


Family Confidential Episode II: Attack Of The Hormones

by Laragh



Series: Confidential!Verse [5]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Birth, F/F, Family, Fertility Issues, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Pregnancy, Sensitive Issues Of Pregnancy And Birth, reference to suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 160,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22679287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laragh/pseuds/Laragh
Summary: They're in the family way again...(Sequel to Family Confidential)
Relationships: Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg
Series: Confidential!Verse [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1237535
Comments: 56
Kudos: 23





	1. Prelude

* * *

_**Family Confidential II:  
Attack Of The Hormones** _  


* * *

** _Prelude_ **

Traffic.

Endless. Unrelenting. Traffic.

Willow dropped her head against the steering wheel, careful not to hit against the horn in case she added even more noise to the cacophony of traffic noises surrounding her on all sides.

It was hard to love even her beloved car on evenings like this when she hit rush hour and the long minutes ticked by with her sitting enclosed in it.

She was sure Tara and the kids had eaten by now.

She’d be lucky to even make story-time, with the thoughts of bath-time and pre-bed snuggles well and truly abandoned.

It had been a long day, a long week, and a long few months. She hated to miss some of the little pleasures that got her through it all. She picked up her phone to check in with Tara but put it down quickly when there was a surge of movement.

Thirty-seven arduous minutes later, she put her key in the front door of the place she called home and opened it, hoping to hear the rush of little feet that usually greeted her. Alas, there was silence and she glumly shut the door behind her.

When she turned back around, Tara was standing in the doorway to the living room, wearing a dress Willow loved on her; purple with elbow-length sleeves, just enough fabric to keep her warm on the mid-Spring evening with its soft fabric hugging her soft curves.

Willow was happy to see her but was lamenting the silence.

“Did I completely miss bedtime?” she whispered as she set her purse down and hung her key on the rack, “I was hoping to snag a cuddle or two.”

Tara shook her head.

“They’re with your Dad and Michelle.”

Willow straightened back up and spoke in her regular volume.

“Oh. Is everything okay? Were they being unruly again? I swear I think those kids have finally listened and turned on their angel side and then they go and ruin the ruliness all over again!”

“I don’t think that’s a word, sweetie,” Tara replied softly.

“Well it should be,” Willow grumbled.

Tara walked forward and took both of Willow’s hands.

“I know you’ve been so stressed out lately. I wanted to give you a night off and you know your Dad and Michelle, they jump at the chance to have the kids.”

“They do now that Robyn sleeps all night,” Willow replied wryly, “Only took twenty months.”

Tara squeezed Willow’s hands.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that tonight. You can just relax.”

Willow’s face softened, not at the prospect of some much-needed sleep but by the lines on Tara’s face she decidedly _couldn’t_ see. None of the pain or worry that had immersed itself so fully on her wife’s features for the past few months.

“You haven’t been having the easiest time yourself.”

“Well, we can share all of the good things tonight,” Tara replied with a crooked smile that shot right to Willow’s heart.

Willow almost melted on the spot. She stepped forward to drape herself across her wife in a warm hug.

“Good things?”

Tara just smiled again and silently led Willow through the kitchen and out to the back yard, where the small table that lived on their patio was set intimately for two, complete with candles and flowers in a jug to brighten up the dark tablecloth. Two roses, entwined, free of thorns.

“I made your favorite dinner.”

Willow thought she smelled the fresh bread to accompany Tara’s special slow-cooked chicken pot pie and was glad her stomach didn’t give away her sudden intense hunger. Her turkey sandwich — scoffed at lunchtime in her office while she tried to finish off some paperwork that never actually had an end — seemed like a lifetime ago.

Tara picked up an open but full bottle of red wine and poured Willow a glass.

“I got you wine for now…and chocolate strawberries for later.”

Willow was surprised; they hadn’t had much alcohol in the house lately but was grateful Tara had picked that day to get it. She took a slow slip, savoring how she could feel it relaxing her already, and put the glass back on the table.

“Both are much needed.”

She hugged Tara again, and saw over her shoulder that behind the table a blanket had been laid out with pillows in a perfect spot to do some stargazing; an activity they didn’t get to engage in often these days. In fact, she couldn’t even remember the last time.

She pulled back from the hug, hands caressing Tara’s shoulder blade and fingers caressing the nape of her neck.

“Tara…this is so sweet. It’s just what I needed.”

She went in for a kiss, which Tara returned, but only for a moment.

“One other quick thing.”

“I’ll tell you now, nothing will top cuddling with you on that blanket,” Willow replied, then raised an eyebrow alluringly, “Except maybe if we have an early night after…”

Her hands were creeping down toward Tara's breasts, but Tara plucked them before contact and held them between their bodies. She interlinked their fingers.

“This might,” she said softly.

Willow waited with a soft, expectant smile and Tara took a moment to fall in love with her all over again.

“You’re so beautiful,” she intoned with an adoring look and pressed their hands against each other so their palms squeezed together.

She inhaled a gentle breath, which exhaled through a blooming smile.

“You’re gonna be a Momma again.”


	2. Chapter 2

_“You’re gonna be a Momma again.”_

  


* * *

_**Eight Months Earlier**_  


* * *

“Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday to you…Happy Birthday dear Robyn…Happy Birthday to you!”  
  
  
Robyn slammed her fist right into the frosted ‘1’ on her birthday cake just in time for Willow to snap a picture and for everybody else to laugh. Robyn giggled as she brought a purple frosted finger to her mouth to taste, then used the rest to add a highlight to her hair.  
  
  
Willow passed out slices of the second, non-smashed up cake, which Tara had wisely baked for the occasion, while Tara cleaned Robyn up and set her down on the ground in their back yard. Robyn started cleaning her sticky hands with her own spit and blades of grass.  
  
  
There were quite a few people standing around enjoying cake and conversation but Robyn was quick to step up on her two little feet and toddle over to her favorite person in the world — her big brother.  
  
  
She mumbled some ‘b’ sounds and JJ put his foot atop his soccer ball to stop it. He looked over at Alex with a grudging look.  
  
  
“I gotta let her play. It’s her birthday.”  
  
  
He kicked the ball to her gently and she rolled herself over it, giggling.  
  
  
Tara weaved through the party-goers and made her way back through the sliding glass doors into the kitchen where she cleaned up her own sticky hands from all of the cake-handling. She cut what was left of the smashed cake into slices to fit into a Tupperware container for Robyn to have later (or, far more likely, for Willow and JJ to think they were sneaking it until it was gone).  
  
  
She stepped back out onto the patio and craned her head around to see if any of the food or drink needed to be refreshed, then made her way across the grass to where Xander and Anya were sitting in lawn chairs, cooing over their very newborn daughter on one of her very first outings.  
  
  
Tara sat with them on the third empty chair that the diaper bag had been sitting on and brushed a finger over the soft-as-silk tuft of blonde hair atop the baby’s head, casting a peach-ish glow around her locks that almost looked pink under the high summer sun.  
  
  
“How’s little Megan doing today?”  
  
  
“You mean Pixie,” Xander interjected in a doting voice toward his daughter.  
  
  
“No, she means Megan,” Anya snapped in Xander’s direction, “I said you could give her a middle name, I didn’t say you could use it in front of everyone!”  
  
  
Alex came running over then and started staggering around the place like he’d been attacked with something.  
  
  
“Dad! She hit me with her pixie dust! The unicorns are coming!”  
  
  
Xander jumped to his feet, picked Alex up under his arm and flew away with him making galloping sounds.  
  
  
Tara smiled at the exchange but Anya looked less than impressed.  
  
  
“They took my daughter and tricked me into giving her some kind of ridiculous, geeky name!”  
  
  
Tara put an arm around the back of Anya’s chair, in a move meant to impart sympathy.  
  
  
“Do you need a break? I’ll hold her for you.”  
  
  
Anya immediately passed the baby over in her blanket to Tara’s more than welcoming arms.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she said, looking around the yard for some kind of cooler, “Where’s the beer?”  
  
  
“It’s a one-year-old’s birthday party,” Tara replied but almost immediately backed down upon Anya’s look, “In the fridge.”  
  
  
Anya walked off and Tara settled the baby, smiling at her little yawns and feeling that swell in her heart when she gripped Tara’s finger.  
  
  
“Hello Miss Megan Pixie Harris,” she clucked in that sweet and soothing voice only baby fever could inspire, “I’m glad you’re in our family. I’m glad we have a little cutie like you.”  
  
  
The baby yawned and made some of those newborn mewing noises that could melt a stone heart. Tara looked over at her little baby waddling around and could hardly believe it.  
  
  
It seemed like yesterday she was holding Robyn the way she was holding Megan now; watching her searching eyes and tickling her rosy cheeks.  
  
  
The year had flown in, even more than JJ’s first year had, and Tara wished she’d savored it more. She loved watching her baby grow into a little girl but it tugged at the heartstrings too.  
  
  
After a little while of baby-gazing, a shadow appeared over her. She looked up and her vision was blinded for a moment from the sun, but she eventually recognized Becky.  
  
  
“Hey Becks,” she greeted, “You looked like Cousin Itt for a moment there in the sun with all the brown you have on.”  
  
  
“Surprisingly, not even the worst thing I’ve been called this week. Kids can be very, very cruel. The ones I teach, not yours,” Becky replied, smoothing a hand out over her shirt, “We’re going to head home. Sorry to be a buzzkill, I’ve got cramps.”  
  
  
“Time of the month?” Tara asked sympathetically.  
  
  
“Cursed uterus,” Becky joked, but Tara could see she was in pain and deflecting.  
  
  
She stood and gave a sidelong hug so as not to squish the baby.  
  
  
“Thank you so much for coming, and for your gift. She loves bath toys. Want to bring some cake home? There’s a bunch of Tupperware on the island in the kitchen, just grab one on your way out.”  
  
  
Becky smiled in thanks and Brian came up with her summer jacket, helping her into it. He gave a hurried goodbye and they headed off back through the house with Brian’s hand rubbing Becky’s back.  
  
  
Tara smiled at how in love they were, even though she’d been so shocked when she first learned they were together. Then again, their extended family structure was nothing like she could have guessed it would be when she and Willow were still just a twosome in Boston.  
  
  
Tara was contemplating whether she needed to move into the shade or if her body was giving enough cover to the baby, when Xander came by again, staying a safe foot away.  
  
  
“Put on baby duty?”  
  
  
Tara looked up, then down at the baby fondly.  
  
  
“I offered.”  
  
  
“So I don’t have to graciously offer to take her off your hands?” Xander asked sheepishly.  
  
  
Tara’s lips curled into a smile on one side and she nodded toward their boys abandoning the soccer ball and picking a football out of the mess of outdoor toys laying on the lawn.  
  
  
“Looks like the boys might need some teammates.”  
  
  
Xander offered a salute of gratitude and started to move away.  
  
  
“Hey,” Tara called, “Let Robyn score one.”  
  
  
Xander gave a thumbs up and went to grab Jesse to give the game some volume.  
  
  
Some of the neighborhood husbands started to join in, grateful to have something to do at a party most were dragged to by their wives. Angel, Xander, Jesse and the boys formed their team against the others.  
  
  
Buffy often both participated and annihilated everyone else playing, but she was busy amusing herself with a NERF gun this time, pulling Willow into her antics to ‘get’ as many people as they could without anyone seeing them.  
  
  
The neighborhood wives seemed to be the main target, as they all clumped together in their little clique to chat.  
  
  
Willow and Tara weren’t particularly close to any of the neighbors, but they were friendly and the kids played together so it was understood that party invites would be extended around the block.  
  
  
Tara was generally in charge of maintaining neighborly relations and things like the PTA, so she had to negotiate who should be invited where. Since Robyn wasn’t in school she had stuck to their core group of the friends and just the surrounding block of neighbors, as well as the doting grandparents of course.  
  
  
Ira was staying out of the game but did take a knee to offer JJ his best tips and to cheer from the sidelines.  
  
  
Xander stayed true to his word and passed the ball off to Robyn during a quieter play.  
  
  
Robyn had to use her entire arm circumference to hold onto the ball, which she did, hugging it to her chest. She looked around at all the large people staring down at her and squeezed the ball tighter, taking a wobbly step back.  
  
  
“Come on, Robyn, this way!” JJ called encouragingly, standing in the end zone, “Bring me the ball, Robbie, you can do it!”  
  
  
The men parted so she had a path to walk down and JJ kept calling and encouraging her down. Robyn started to toddle, getting faster and faster on her uneven feet until she was right in the center of the end zone and everyone was cheering for her.  
  
  
Robyn let go of the ball and squealed in delight, promptly bouncing down to sit on her diapered butt. She clapped her hands, then rolled over and crawled to hug JJ’s leg, cuddling it like it was her blankie.  
  
  
JJ blushed but discreetly gave his sister a hug, under the guise of dragging her off to the side so the rest of them could keep playing.  
  
  
Robyn seemed happy to revert back to being a spectator, clapping for JJ and playing with the grass.  
  
  
Willow passed by and plucked her up, not liking her quite so close to the action. She squealed indignantly to be put down but forgot about it a moment later when Willow put her with Ella and Alice making daisy chains.  
  
  
Willow chatted to Alice for a moment, then moved up the yard to Tara, falling into the lawn chair beside her.  
  
  
“Great party, baby. Everyone is having lots of fun.”  
  
  
Tara looked at her witheringly.  
  
  
“I saw what you were doing with those foam gun things.”  
  
  
“We were just messing around,” Willow replied with a shrug, “Who said toys were just for kids?”  
  
  
“I didn’t want him to get that NERF stuff in the first place and now you’re playing with it,” Tara replied with a clucking tone.  
  
  
“Chill out, honey,” Willow replied, standing again to avoid a lecture, “Smell some baby head or something.”  
  
  
Tara frowned at first, but then took the advice and held the sleeping baby at an angle that she got a good sniff of that inimitable newborn smell. The baby stirred, so Tara stood and started to pat her back and bottom rhythmically as she walked around.  
  
  
She said hello and exchanged some niceties with people who weren’t engaged in any of the games until the baby was soothed back to sleep. She decided to go and sit with Michelle instead of on her own again.  
  
  
They shared a greeting and Michelle looked over the baby for a minute or two, appreciating her smallness. Tara took her back, getting quite comfortable holding her, and shook her head as she watched Willow run around the yard pretending to be a ninja with Buffy and those NERF funs again; a game that was turning heads away from the football.  
  
  
“Remind me, do I have two or three children?”  
  
  
Michelle placed a hand on Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“That’s why you love her.”  
  
  
“Mmm,” Tara lamented.  
  
  
JJ and Alex were the first to abscond the football to take up NERF guns, crossing team lines at the same time as Anya returned.  
  
  
“Thanks, Tara. I’m sufficiently inebriated to deal with the demands of motherhood now.”  
  
  
Tara smiled almost sadly as she passed the baby back.  
  
  
“She slept the whole time.”  
  
  
Anya held the baby in the crook of her arm and covered her with the blanket as an evening chill started to set in.  
  
  
“I bet the brat will wake up as soon as I touch her,” she said, having to wait exactly three seconds before the baby started to cry, “Told you.”  
  
  
Tara smiled despite this; the affection in Anya’s tone couldn’t be misplaced – she knew it well herself. She excused herself and went into the house to get a drink.  
  
  
She got a bottle of flavored from the fridge, twisted the cap off and let the cool liquid fall down her throat in all of its mandarin and pineapple goodness. As she secured the lid back on, two hands slid over her eyes and a perky voice spoke in her ear.  
  
  
“Guess who?”  
  
  
“My wife-child?” Tara asked, but without any animosity.  
  
  
Willow leaned in so her lips were right on the curve of Tara’s ear.  
  
  
“The person who loves you more than anything in the world.”  
  
  
She dropped her hands and greeted Tara with a smooch when she turned to face her.  
  
  
“Did it really bug you that much that we were having fun?”  
  
  
Tara sighed self-deprecatingly and held Willow’s face in her hands.  
  
  
“No. It bugged me that I was worried about what the neighbors would think.”  
  
  
Willow held Tara’s wrists loosely.  
  
  
“Hun, we’re already the neighborhood gays. I would have thought we learned a long time ago not to care what the neighbors think.”  
  
  
Tara leaned in so they were forehead-to-forehead.  
  
  
“That’s why it bugged me that _I_ was worried. I should know better. I’m sorry I got frustrated at you.”  
  
  
Willow just smiled and picked up some stray confetti on a nearby surface and flung it over Tara’s head.  
  
  
“It’s our daughter’s first birthday party. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about anything.”  
  
  
Tara could only smile and took Willow’s hand to walk back outside with.  
  
  
There, they were greeted with an unexpected scene – almost everyone, including the neighborhood wives, had flipped to the NERF game and had split into teams to have enough equipment to go around.  
  
  
Tara was stunned.  
  
  
“Did I just walk into the Twilight Zone?”  
  
  
Willow stood up on her tiptoes in excitement and took a foot forward.  
  
  
“Buffy needs cover!” she exclaimed, then looked back and offered her hand, “Are you coming?”  
  
  
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, Tara figured and took Willow’s hand as they ran across the warzone to tumble in behind Buffy.  
  
  
The party went on until nightfall came and the kids all started to get tired. Everyone rounded their clan up and departed to their houses or cars.  
  
  
“Great party, Tara,” Barbara, the most high-brow of their neighbors said as they were leaving, “Maybe you could host our Labor Day get together.”  
  
  
“Maybe!” Tara replied with a bit of a forced smile as she thought of ways to get out of it. She gave the obligatory hug as they parted, “Thanks for coming.”  
  
  
She ended her hosting skills as pleasantly as she’d begun them and everyone left smiling. She walked into the kitchen where Willow had Robyn on her hip and JJ was sitting on a stool at the island, both demolishing a grilled cheese sandwich.  
  
  
“Habe own—” Willow started to say, then blushed and finished the mouthful, “Have one here for you baby.”  
  
  
Tara came toward them, stopping to put an arm around JJ.  
  
  
“Hey,” she said, and stole a cheek kiss before he could object, “Thanks for being such a great big brother.”  
  
  
JJ blushed and avoided reacting, but was smiling.  
  
  
Tara sat beside him and watched how mother and son ate in the exact same, hurried way. Even Robyn was taking the bites she was offered with gusto. It made Tara smile. She loved how they’d all found each other.  
  
  
A couple of hours of cleaning and winding down later, Tara finished the major tidying and decided the rest could wait until morning. She went into the living room to be met with the flurry of wrapping paper that Robyn had torn and chewed on earlier, so she decided to get that gathered up too.  
  
  
A few minutes later, Willow came down the stairs from tucking in JJ, still with a party hat on and a grin on her face.  
  
  
Willow came up, intending to give Tara a quick peck, but the party hat fell forward over her nose and thwarted her.  
  
  
“Whoops!” she said, taking the string from around her face and setting the hat down, “It was a great day, Tara. I know you did most of the work, but she loved it.”  
  
  
Tara stuffed the last of the gift wrap into a trash bag and put it by the door.  
  
  
“I had a nice day, too.”  
  
  
She sat down next to Willow on the couch, who was looking through the photos taken that day.  
  
  
“She’s getting so big.”  
  
  
Tara watched the pictures go by, then put her palm on Willow’s forearm to gently lower the phone.  
  
  
“Let’s have another one.”  
  
  
“Another party?” Willow asked, confused.  
  
  
Tara shook her head softly.  
  
  
“Another baby.”  
  
  
Willow laughed, but then she noticed Tara wasn’t. Her head reeled and her eyes slowly widened.  
  
  
“Whoa,” she said, clearly shocked, “Where did that come from?”  
  
  
Tara’s brow furrowed for a moment.  
  
  
“Where does it ever come from? A place inside, a place in your heart. We always talked about another one someday.”  
  
  
Willow made a flippant gesture with her hand.  
  
  
“Yeah, someday.”  
  
  
Tara was beginning to feel very rejected and scooted a little bit away whilst looking down.  
  
  
“I’m not getting any younger.”  
  
  
Willow looked at Tara and offered a slow nod.  
  
  
“Oh. _You_ want a baby,” she said with realization and a little chuckle, “Is this because you were holding Pixie all day? She’s a cutie, I have to admit. Clearly didn’t get Anya’s genes.”  
  
  
Tara looked over to Willow, hurt spreading across her face.  
  
  
“When you wanted a baby, I asked how could we do it. But when I ask, you talk down to me like I’m a child who doesn’t know their own mind?”  
  
  
“Tara, are you serious about this?” Willow asked in disbelief, “Adding number three is a whoooolllle different ball game to adding number two. The space, for one! We’re out of bedrooms!”  
  
  
“We always talked about remodeling the attic,” Tara suggested, but Willow was already up and swinging her hands about in a negative fashion.  
  
  
“Tara, this is…it’s too soon.”  
  
  
Tara seemed heartbroken by the exchange and could only repeat when she felt inside.  
  
  
“I want a baby.”  
  
  
“We have a baby!” Willow snapped, “Upstairs, right now!”  
  
  
Said baby chose that moment to start shouting down through the baby monitor. Tara stood up, snatched it from the coffee table and turned it down.  
  
  
“I know we have a baby, I love her more than anything. All I wanted was to tell you my feelings but clearly, they don’t matter.”  
  
  
She walked off and up to Robyn’s room, where Robyn was standing in her crib, shaking her half-full bottle around.  
  
  
“Omm-mee!” she greeted Tara with a gurgling smile.  
  
  
“Hello my sweet girl,” she said as she approached, “It’s night-night time.”  
  
  
Robyn lifted her arms out and produced a pout she most certainly learned from her other mother. Tara was fruitless to resist.  
  
  
“Okay, one more story. It is your birthday.”  
  
  
“Stow-ee,” Robyn cheered as Tara picked her up and went to sit on the chair in the corner with her.  
  
  
Tara settled Robyn in the crook of her arm with her bottle and rocked her gently.  
  
  
“Why don’t I tell you about the night you were born?”  
  
  
Robyn looked up at Tara with those big, bright turquoise eyes that stunned everyone when they first saw her. Tara brushed some messy strawberry blonde locks from her daughter’s face and smiled when she remembered the first time _she_ saw her.  
  
  
“Well you surprised us, that’s for sure. We didn’t know you were coming until you were already almost here. Like when you crawled for the first time and scared Momma half to death just showing up in the kitchen.”  
  
  
Robyn smiled around the teat of her bottle as if she understood she was mischievous, but it was really just in response to hearing ‘Momma’.  
  
  
“I saw your head start to come out and I realized you were really on your way,” Tara continued, reminiscing for herself but in her soothing ‘Mommy’ voice for Robyn, “And then you were just here; perfect and pink and my little angel. And okay, maybe a little gooey too.”  
  
  
Tara was helping Robyn keep her bottle up as her sleepy hands loosened their grip. Tara hummed as she watched her daughter’s eyes close.  
  
  
“I sang to you that night too…”  
  
  
She quietly put the bottle off to the side and held Robyn to her chest, patting her bottom with a calming rhythm.  
  
  
“Happy Birthday…to you. Happy Birthday…to you. Happy Birthday…Happy Birthday…Happy Birthday…to you.”  
  
  
She felt Robyn’s even exhales against her breast and gently kissed her temple.  
  
  
“Mommy loves you.”  
  
  
She brought Robyn over to her crib and laid her down gently. She gave one last brush over the messy head of curls that neither Willow nor Tara could bring themselves to cut and turned to collect the empty bottle and go back downstairs.  
  
  
She went straight into the kitchen to sterilize the bottle and planned to slip right back up to the bedroom, but Willow caught her wrist as she fled across the hall and stopped her.  
  
  
“I remember. The longing inside.”  
  
  
Tara paused and turned her head to offer Willow a look to continue. Willow kept hold of her hand.  
  
  
“And I remember the…yearning looks you had when I was breastfeeding Robyn.”  
  
  
Tara’s glance fell and Willow silently brought her back into the living room to sit down. She took both of Tara’s hands in her lap and exhaled before speaking.  
  
  
“I shouldn’t have dismissed your desire. I know you’re not just broody from a day with the newborn, this is obviously something you’ve wanted for a while like I did. And you were really supportive; I want to be that for you too.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyebrows rose in surprise, but Willow was in there before she could respond.  
  
  
“So here’s what I think. We rushed into it last time because we had the luxury of doing so. And like I said, number three is a whole different challenge. So…” she paused to take a breath, “Let’s do the attic remodel. Let’s get you on some prenatal vitamins. And in a few months when we’re physically prepared to add another one, we can decide if we’re mentally ready too.”  
  
  
Tara’s face broke out in a slow smile.  
  
  
“Really?”  
  
  
Willow nodded shyly.  
  
  
“I always wanted to see you carry,” she admitted, then retrieved the baby monitor from behind the cushion, “And I kinda listened in just then. You’re so beautiful with her. And you were so beautiful with him. My heart is so there. Let’s get the logistics in order so my mind can be too.”  
  
  
Tara held her hands in front of her.  
  
  
“Can we do it like we did last time?”  
  
  
Willow seemed surprised.  
  
  
“You mean…you want to use my egg?”  
  
  
Tara nodded keenly and Willow was stunned into silence for a moment.  
  
  
“Yeah…yeah, of course, we can,” she eventually replied, touched and now already almost ready to jump in tiny feet first.  
  
  
Tara threw her arms around her wife.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she gushed, kissing Willow’s cheek repeatedly, “I love you, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow closed the embrace and gave Tara a tight squeeze. She was nervous, but it was hard to deny her wife’s joy.  
  
  
“I love you too, Tara. I love you too.”


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

_**Seven Months Earlier** _  


* * *

Willow massaged her temple as the piercing sound of baby cries mixed with the steady buzz of an electric drill pounded through her head.

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When she’d suggested turning the attic into a bedroom as the first step on the road to expanding their family, she thought it would take months to organize and plan — especially when she and Tara decided they’d build on an en suite bathroom to their bedroom while they had the contractors in.

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But then they were put in touch with some construction friends of Xander’s and suddenly there were drawings being approved and materials being bought and their home was being invaded by loud sounds and tripping hazards everywhere.

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At least it got them out of hosting Labor Day.

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Willow knew the end product would look great; they had a big attic and were able to split it into two bedrooms with an adjoining bathroom between. JJ would move into one and the other had plans to become a guest room but would work as storage for now. Each room had a skylight and JJ was promised he could design it however he liked. Plans were still in the making.

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The bathroom add-on had started modestly as they knew they needed to keep enough money for fertility treatments aside; just a basic set-up to let them run to the toilet in the middle of the night and have a shower in the morning when the kids were using the main. But when an investment came through from advice from Ira, he got a bottle of scotch and they got a fully-equipped bathroom to themselves with some little luxuries like a separate tub big enough for two, power shower with attachments for every body part you could think of, and under-floor heating. And, of course, hers-and-hers sinks.

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Willow hadn’t said anything to Tara, but she’d taken the money coming in when it did as a sign. It left them with no financial worry about the medical bills or newborn costs and allowed them to maintain their savings going forward. Everything seemed to be in order.

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She was ready for #3.

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Just as soon as the wailing stopped.

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She shook her head as she tried to align the words staring at her on her laptop screen into legible writing and sent soothing sounds across the living room to where Robyn was sitting in her playpen with a miserable, red, tear-stained face crying incessantly.

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“Honey, shush, it’s okay. Momma’s here…and she really needs to get these files signed off.”

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Another minute passed of Willow calling out reassurances until Tara appeared, much to Willow’s relief, and plucked Robyn from her pen to give her a cuddle.

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“Come here, little love. It’s okay, it’s okay.”

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Robyn continued to scream, which made Willow’s brow crease.

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“You know it’s bad when Mommy cuddles don’t solve it.”

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Tara held the baby to her chest, blocking one ear with her body and covered the other with her palm.

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“It’s the noise. I’ll take her for a walk.”

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“Can you take me for a walk?” Willow asked through a frustrated breath, “It’s driving me crazy that the place is like a building site.”

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“Well, there is building going on,” Tara replied as Robyn started to settle, though still with some whimpering, “I’m going to walk her to the park to collect JJ from basketball, so you don’t have to collect him.”

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“Gee thanks,” Willow replied without much enthusiasm.

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Tara held back her exasperation.

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“I’m trying to do you a favor. You seemed stressed about getting your work done.”

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Willow closed her eyes for a moment, then looked back at Tara sincerely.

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“I appreciate that. I do.”

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Tara came over and dropped a kiss on top of Willow’s head.

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“Why don’t you go out into the yard and plug your earphones in?”

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Willow closed her laptop screen and stood.

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“That’s a great idea. Thank you.”

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She kissed Tara’s cheek, then rubbed the baby’s back.

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“Good girl. Mommy’s going to take you out for some nice, quiet fresh air.”

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Robyn sniffled.

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“Jay-Jay?”

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“Yeah,” Willow replied with a smile, “You’re gonna see JJ.”

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Robyn smiled and cuddled into Tara’s chest. She seemed happy again until she started patting the spot on her own chest her pacifier was usually clipped to. Her face scrunched again, all ready to wail, but Willow noticed and her Mom reflexes kicked in.

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“Binky, binky, binky!” she said whilst diving across the room to pick up the pacifier from the playpen and back to pop it in her daughter’s mouth before the scream could even vocalize.

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Robyn gave an experimental suck to make sure it was there and once satisfied it was, closed her eyes in bliss and opened them again happy.

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“I don’t want to uncover her ears; can you help me get the stroller outside?” Tara whispered; well, whispered loud enough to still be heard over the racket.

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“Of course,” Willow replied and went off to get it.

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She met Tara at the end of the driveway, away from the noise. Willow kissed Robyn’s head before she was put in the stroller.

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“Enjoy your walk.”

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“Thanks,” Tara replied, squeezing Willow’s arm before taking hold of the stroller, “I hope you get your work done.”

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Willow waved them off and Tara set off with Robyn garbling nonsensically behind her pacifier.

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Tara listened, imagining all kinds of intellectual commentary about the birds and the trees. It was a short walk to the park where JJ had his basketball practice and Tara enjoyed the warm summer breeze as they strolled.

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JJ hadn’t shown much inclination toward sports until Xander and Jesse got courtside seats to some Knicks game and took him and Alex one night. The obsession was instantaneous with JJ spending hours on the iPad watching videos and reading scores, begging for merchandise and spending hours shooting at their hoop in the driveway until they found him a team to join.

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Tara was happy he was getting exercise and making friends and didn’t mind sacrificing afternoons and Saturday mornings for it.

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When they got to the park, Tara positioned the stroller by a picnic table outside the court and sat there waiting for everything to finish up. About ten minutes later, JJ came running onto the grass and Robyn started bouncing in her seat.

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“Ay-Ay!” she mumbled through the pacifier.

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JJ wouldn’t hug his sister with all the guys watching, but he did sneak a hand into her stroller to squeeze her hand.

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Tara couldn’t help brushing some dirt from JJ’s shirt.

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“Hi sweetie, was practice good?”

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JJ expertly twisted out of Tara’s fussing.

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“We did layups. I got five in a row!”

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“Well done!” Tara replied enthusiastically.

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JJ’s hands rubbed down over his shorts.

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“We have a game next weekend.”

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“Can I come?” Tara asked hopefully.

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JJ shrugged noncommittally but his eyes kept glancing in Tara’s direction.

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“Yeah, I guess, if you really want to, that’d be okay.”

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“I’ll be there,” Tara promised, and JJ let himself show being pleased for a moment, “Did Alex’s parents collect him already?”

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JJ spun to look around the court.

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“Um, Uncle Xan is…there!”

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Tara started pushing the stroller toward the other side of the court, with JJ on her other side.

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“Hi Xander, hi Alex,” she greeted.

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“Hey Tara, hey little lady,” Xander said with a goofy smile and a wave into the stroller, “How’s the attic going?”

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Tara smiled wryly.

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“We’re still getting used to the noise, but they’ve been very nice to us. Thanks for putting us in touch with them.”

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“My toothbrush had splinters in it last night,” JJ piped up.

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“I got you a new one,” Tara said, putting a hand on JJ’s back, “How’s Megan?”

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“It’s Pixie!” Alex corrected animatedly, but it faltered, “She can’t teleport us though.”

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“Has to grow her wings, bud!” Xander quipped, then looked sheepish, “Baby is fine. A delightful surprise. I mean, uh, just a delight. And Mom is…”

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“Crazy!” Alex interjected, “Mom is crazy!”

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“Now, now, Alex, you know we don’t use the ‘c’ word,” Xander replied with a nervous chuckle, “Anya is…tired.”

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“I’m sure,” Tara replied sympathetically, “Well if you need some help with pick-ups and drop-offs, let us know. Especially now the boys are in school together, it wouldn’t be a problem. We’ve been considering signing JJ up to the school bus for this year, you might want to think about it too.”

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Xander nodded.

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“I’ll let Ahn know, she might appreciate that. Thanks for putting in the good word for us at school. His last school was a little intense.”

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“Mom got kicked off the PTA,” Alex added, matter-of-fact.

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Tara didn’t act surprised, because she wasn’t, and Xander took a firm hold of his son’s shoulders.

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“They asked a lot of a pregnant woman.”

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Tara just smiled and patted his upper arm.

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“I’ll let you get home to your girls.”

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Xander seemed relieved to get away and not risk anything else that could get him on the bad side of his wife.

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“Thanks, Tara. We’ll see you around.”

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JJ started to wave repeatedly.

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“Bye Alex, see you in school next week, bye Uncle Xander.”

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Alex copied him as he was led away.

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“Bye JJ, bye Robyn, bye Aunty Tara!”

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The boys waved until they were out of sight, at which point JJ turned toward the stroller.

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“Can I ride on the back bar?”

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Tara allowed it since Robyn was awake but had to slow them down when he used it like a scooter and it almost got away from her.

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“Two feet on or two feet off, sweetie.”

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JJ put his feet on and spread his arms like he was king of the world. Tara thought it was adorable but kept it to herself in case he proclaimed her embarrassing and stopped letting her in on all his cute moments. Those days would come soon enough, she wasn’t about to speed it up.

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He skidded off when they got home and Tara was about to call him back to take his dirty sneakers off but he suddenly spoke loudly and his words made her forget all about his shoes.

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“What’s wrong with your ankle, Momma?”

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Tara put the stroller in the doorway of the living room and stepped inside, where Willow had her ankle up on a cushion and was icing it.

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“Willow, what happened?” she asked with concern.

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“Someone put a saw on the top of the stairs,” Willow grumbled.

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Tara came and sat on the arm of the couch.

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“Did you fall down them, did you hit your head?”

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Willow shook her head.

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“No, I caught myself on the handrail but I’ve twisted my ankle up nicely.”

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“That could have been one of the kids,” Tara said in shock.

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“I’ve already called my Dad,” Willow replied, trying to hide her pain, “He says we can stay with them for the week until everything is done.”

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Tara paused, then turned to unstrap Robyn.

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“Jakey, will you take your sister out to play with the soccer ball you got her for her birthday?”

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JJ sighed.

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“Fine, but she’s not playing catch with me and Gramps!”

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“I will play with her when you’re with your grandfather, I promise,” Tara said, setting Robyn on the ground.

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JJ took Robyn’s hand and started leading her out the door.

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“Come on Robbie.”

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Tara looked over her shoulder to watch them until she heard the door to the back yard slide open. She then looked back at her wife.

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“Willow, you can’t go changing our living arrangements without talking to me.”

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Willow opened her mouth just in time for a drill to start and she motioned as if to say ‘see?’

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“We have to leave the house to speak at a normal volume. I keep bumping to men I don’t know coming out of the bathroom. And I don’t like going into our bedroom for something to find some guy’s butt crack staring back at me,” she said, louder than normal, “Not to mention it can’t be good for the kids to be inhaling all of this sawdust and crap.”

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Tara thought back to the toothbrush and sighed.

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“I don’t disagree…I just don’t think we can impose ourselves on our parents like that.”

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Willow waved a hand dismissively.

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“It’s a week, they don’t mind. We put them up when their new floors were being put in. Gave them our bedroom, in fact. Why spend a fortune on a hotel where we can’t even cook for the kids? We have to get out of here.”

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“Okay, okay,” Tara agreed through a slow exhale, “I’ll go pack us up. What are we going to do with you, can you walk?”

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Willow lifted the ice from her ankle and stood to try and put weight on it, but winced and started to stumble.

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“Stop, stop,” Tara said, grabbing her and easing her back down, “There are crutches in the basement from the time you slipped in the kitchen.”

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“You mean the time Anya pushed me,” Willow corrected in a surly voice.

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“That was never proven,” Tara replied, already on her way to the kitchen to get to the basement.

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“Believing her over your own wife,” Willow grumbled, “Traitor.”

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Tara returned a few minutes later with the crutches and first aid kit. She leaned the crutches against the couch and sat on the furthest cushion and gently took Willow’s ankle into her lap to wrap it.

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“Thanks, baby,” Willow said as she was tenderly cared for.

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Tara fitted ankle support over the wrapping and cast a sidelong grin in her wife’s direction.

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“I bet you did it on purpose so you wouldn’t have to pack.”

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Willow smiled.

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“You got me.”

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Tara finished her mending with a kiss to the tops of Willow’s toes, which wiggled in response.

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“Keep this rested for the weekend and hopefully it will feel better.”

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Willow sat herself up and leaned over to press a kiss to Tara’s cheek.

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“I’m sorry I accused you of marital treason.”

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“You did what now?” Tara asked with an arched eyebrow.

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Willow’s eyes widened and she quickly grabbed the crutches.

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“I should go check on the kids.”

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Tara narrowed her eyes but didn’t pursue it. Instead, she decided to go upstairs to explain the change in circumstances to the site manager and to pack enough for all of them for the week. The contractor kindly helped her lug everything out to the trunk of the car and promised to keep her updated.

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“I can call in in the afternoons before I collect JJ in case there’s anything you need me to see. Thank you so much, John.”

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The builder shook her hand and returned into the house to finish up for the day.

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Tara went into the kitchen to put some things in a cool box; food that needed to be eaten or was specific to lunches or snacks for the kids. The bottle sterilizer was brought out along with a stuffed diaper bag and Tara was very grateful there was a pop-up crib already in Ira and Michelle’s because she was exhausted and there wasn’t an inch of space left.

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She walked back through the kitchen to the back yard, where Robyn was using her whole tiny body to push the ball to JJ and around to Willow, who used one crutch as her kicking leg.

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“Guys we’re going to Grandma and Grandpa’s,” she called, picking up Robyn and patting JJ on the back, “Jake, make sure you have everything for school, please.”

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JJ brushed past to go back inside and organize his book bag and Robyn started fussing.

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“Don’t kick Mommy, don’t kick Mommy,” Tara said, holding her daughter’s legs to stop the movement.

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Willow brought herself forward with a smile.

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“Remember when I was pregnant with her and we joked we had a little soccer player?”

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“We have a little cutie more like,” Tara replied, pulling the pacifier up from the clip to pop in Robyn’s mouth, “Little cutie monster.”

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Willow patted Robyn’s back.

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“She can be both,” she said affectionately, “I’m sorry you had to do all the packing.”

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“It’s not your fault you got hurt,” Tara replied, offering an arm to help Willow step back inside, “But I’d like to go so we can settle in. I think we should send our parents out to dinner, or give them a gift card for another time they want to go.”

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“Yeah, of course, and we’ll cook for them,” Willow replied, then looked down at her crutches sheepishly, “Well…”

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“Good thing there’s nothing stopping you changing diapers,” Tara quipped, locking up the back door.

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“I’m hearing you, help where I can. I’m not a complete dunce, we’ve been doing this relationship thing a while,” Willow replied with a charming smile, “I’ll hurry up the boy. Jakey, bring your iPad; you can’t hog Grandpa’s TV like you do with ours.”

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Tara brought Robyn to strap into her car seat in the family car, their old reliable Dodge Stratus that they’d bought when they first moved to Buffalo in another, child-free, life. It was a miracle it was still going but it showed little sign of slowing down.

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The supposed second ‘family’ car, the Mercedes, lost more and more of its family status until it had become exclusively Willow’s car where the kids were only allowed when absolutely necessary. Robyn had never even been in it.

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JJ came along and got into the booster seat on the other side, leaving his book bag on the floor of the car.

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“Momma needs help carrying her lady bag.”

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“Do you mean her purse?” Tara asked and JJ nodded like it was obvious.

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Tara walked back into the hallway and picked up both purses and two sets of keys.

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“Come on, hop-a-long. I need coffee.”

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“Enjoy it while you can…” Willow replied in a sing-song voice, meant to tease, “Believe me, the caffeine withdrawal is real.”

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Tara grinned as she locked the door behind them.

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“I will. And I’ll enjoy not enjoying it too. Or at least the reason why.”

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Tara went to open the passenger side on the Dodge but Willow shook her head.

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“I’ll drive the Merc.”

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Tara’s brow creased.

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“You can’t pick up your purse but you can drive?”

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“Baby, it’s only around the corner,” Willow said with a breath of frustration, “I don’t need extra time added to the morning rush to come collect it.”

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“Are you sure?” Tara asked skeptically.

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Willow nodded.

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“Yeah, I really only need the good foot.”

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Tara didn’t look convinced, even slightly worried in fact, but Willow hurried her by tapping the crutch against the wheel.

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“Tara!”

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Tara frowned and tossed Willow her keys, who caught them and kissed Tara’s cheek.

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“See you in a few.”

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Tara waved her fingers and got into the car with the kids. Robyn started fussing and waving her hands toward the window.

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“Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm!”

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“Momma’s coming, Robbie, she’s just taking her car,” JJ said and handed Robyn her teddy that had fallen aside.

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“Thank you, JJ,” Tara said in gratitude for the help, as she pulled out of the driveway.

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She kept an eye in the rear-view mirror to check that Willow wasn’t getting into any bother, though thankfully it really was just a couple of blocks.

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She parked on the street outside Ira and Michelle’s house so as not to block their cars and waited for Willow to pull up behind before getting out.

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She went over and helped Willow out on her crutches.

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“I hope you didn’t exacerbate it.”

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“I will ice and rest as soon as we get inside,” Willow promised.

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Tara let JJ out of the car and fastened Robyn onto her hip while she lugged the first of the bags inside.

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Ira was at the door to greet them and looked at Willow with concern.

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“Have you really hurt yourself, bubelah?”

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“Nothing some rest won’t cure, Daddy,” Willow replied, leaning in to accept a kiss on the cheek.

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“Thank you so much for letting us stay,” Tara added as she came up behind.

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“We’re delighted to have you,” Michelle said, coming out from the kitchen.

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“Ga-ga!” Robyn called out, arms reaching toward Michelle, who warmly took her into an embrace.

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“Hello Robyn, hello JJ,” Michelle said with a ruffle for JJ’s hair, “Oh, Willow let me get you some ice for that. Where’s Tara?”

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“Thank you, Michelle,” Willow replied, easing her way onto the sofa and getting a cushion under her foot, “Tara’s doing the haul.”

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Ira glanced out the door at Tara taking things from the trunk and patted JJ’s back.

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“Jacob, help your mother.”

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Willow glanced over to him.

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“Grandpa’s right, go help Mommy please.”

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JJ somewhat grumpily went out to the car and helped Tara bring the smaller bags inside. Ten minutes later, JJ came skirting into the living and only had to produce puppy dog eyes for three seconds until he was given control of the remote.

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Willow shook her head but wasn’t going to contradict her father in his own house so she said nothing. Tara followed a minute or so later.

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“Again, thank you both so much. We’d love to send you out to dinner.”

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“There’s really no need, we’re happy to have you,” Michelle said happily, bouncing a grinning, giggling Robyn on her knee.

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“We insist. We know it’s like takeover city here with the kids,” Willow replied, then added pointedly, “And we won’t be taking over your TV either.”

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JJ turned around, defensive.

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“He said I could!”

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“He’s okay, really,” Ira replied fondly, “And I won’t hear a word of this dinner. I’m going to cook us all rib eyes.”

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“Dad—” Willow started, but Ira held a hand up.

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“I’ve already been to my butcher and Michelle has been kind enough to prepare her scalloped potatoes, so dinner is all set. It will be a joy to eat with our family.”

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Willow had to smile; it would be nice for the kids to have a week with their grandparents even if it might be a bit of a strain for her and Tara to live with other adults.

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She reached behind and took Tara’s hand to kiss it, then hold it.

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They shared a ‘here we go’ look but neither were dreading it too much.

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Anything was better than the monotonous bang of several hammers, the constant whirring of a drill and the thump, thump, thump of the resulting headache.

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Tara stood in front of a sitting Willow at the end of the bed, trying to get eye drops into her wife’s reluctant eyes.

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“Willow you have to keep your eyes open. The doctor said you need to use them twice a day to get the dust out.”

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Willow's eyes shut tighter every time the bottle came near.

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“I’m trying, they’re going into self-defense mode!”

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Tara dropped her hand in frustration, then pushed Willow back and climbed onto her chest, pinning her arms with her knees while she forced Willow’s eyes open and dropped the solution in.

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“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!” Willow protested, body wriggling for freedom.

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Tara stood up again and secured the lid on the bottle.

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“Tough love. It’s all done.”

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Willow tried not to rub her tearing eyes as she blinked the drops into them.

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“You’re not that rough with the kids,” she said with a pout.

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“They’re children,” Tara replied curtly.

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Willow knew an irritable Tara when she saw one, and also knew it was rarely without reason. Her eyes finally cleared and she walked over to Tara, who was taking clothes out for the next day from the open luggage case.

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“Is the whole living with the parentals thing getting too much? I know it’s been a long five days but John says they’re on-plan to finish up this weekend as planned. It must be the first remodel to ever finish on time!”

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Tara shook her head. She missed sex and privacy in the evenings, but Ira and Michelle were actually godsends for helping with the kids and more than generous with their time and hospitality.

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Willow chanced putting her hands on her wife’s shoulders to start a light massage. When she felt Tara relax, Willow placed a small kiss on her neck.

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“Is it the doctor stuff?”

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“Your eyes will be fine if you let me do that twice a day and you don't even need the crutches anymore for your ankle,” Tara answered absently.

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Willow paused and continued to massage Tara's shoulders.

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“…I meant the other stuff we talked to him about? Our check-ups before we go see the fertility doctor?”

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She didn't really need to wait for an answer. She remembered how it was for her when she was the one in the ‘drivers’ seat.

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“I know it’s nerve-wracking, but once we get the general health screen all done and dusted, we’re all set to start with the clinic.”

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Willow watched Tara’s shoulders hunch once and knew she was holding back tears.

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“I just want it so bad,” Tara said through a cracked voice.

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“Hey…” Willow said softly, turning Tara toward her and giving her a hug, “I know you do. And I do too. I’m with you 100%. I know I said I needed time, but I was just surprised. I don’t need time, or more time at least. I don’t. I want this, for you and for us. I can’t wait. You get that right?”

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Tara nodded.

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“It’s not you, it’s just…everything. So much that could go wrong.”

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“It’s daunting,” Willow agreed as she cupped Tara’s cheek and brushed her thumb along her wife’s cheekbone, “But it’s so worth it.”

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Tara took a moment to gather herself.

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“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t take this out on you.”

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“We would’ve been here all night if you didn’t,” Willow joked, eliciting a smile, “I hope I don’t have a black eye. A twisted ankle, black eye…people will start to talk.”

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She took each of Tara’s hands and linked their fingers.

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“But my ankle is fine, my eyes are fine, I am fine and we are _fine_ ,” she assured, “It’s gonna be okay. This is the easy part. The hard part will be jabbing my ass with those hormone needles. I know it will pierce your heart to pierce my beautiful butt.”

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Tara put her hands either side of Willow’s hips and brought her just that small bit closer.

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“Not when I know I’ll get your beautiful baby.”

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Willow was warmed and moved to rest her forehead against Tara’s.

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“It’ll all be okay. We’ve already conceived together. We’re just reversing roles. Try not to worry, it’s totally counter-productive.”

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She kissed her wife, who responded tenderly until they were interrupted by a tiny but shrill babble.

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“Omm-mee, omm-mee, omm-mee.”

****

****

Willow turned to look at Robyn holding herself up in her travel crib at the foot of the bed and smiling happily up at them.

****

****

“And look how well the first time turned out,” Willow said, reaching out and tucking a piece of Robyn’s wild hair behind her ear, “When are you gonna say ‘Momma’, hmm? Don’t worry, I’m just the person who carried you for nine months and pushed you out of my body.”

****

****

Robyn just blew bubbles and Tara picked her up.

****

****

“She knows who you are. She smiles when she hears Momma. Look.”

****

****

Sure enough, Robyn was smiling at Willow, who took it as a small comfort.

****

****

“I’m still kind of hurt I haven’t made the top five. JJ, Mommy, Story, Hug, and Dog all beat me out. We don’t even have a dog!”

****

****

“Dogggg!” Robyn proclaimed excitedly, looking around, “Woof woof!”

****

****

Willow rolled her eyes but plucked the baby from Tara to give her a cuddle.

****

****

“C’mere little bean,” she said, pulling back the sheet on the bed, “We’re not having sex anyway, she might as well just come straight to bed with us.”

****

****

“Seksssss,” Robyn repeated, hissing like a snake and grinning like a fool.

****

****

“Are you freaking kidding me?” Willow asked incredulously, “Sex gets the number six spot?”

****

****

“Hush, hun, before she picks up something else,” Tara replied, getting into the bed on the other side.

****

****

Willow set the baby down, who curled up between them like a cat. She stroked Robyn’s hair to settle her back to sleep, then smiled at Tara.

****

****

“Let’s make another one of these. We’re good at it.”

****

****

Tara watched her angelic, at least when she was asleep, daughter’s face and felt her worries melt away.

****

****

“Let’s do it.”

****

* * *

****

  
Tara stretched out in bed, enjoying a rested feeling, which wasn’t always a given on a weekend morning.

****

****

She’d felt Willow get up earlier, so she had luxuriated in staying in bed whilst leaving her wife to deal with the children after close to a week of doing most of it herself. She swung her legs out of bed and picked out some clothes to wear.

****

****

In general, they were a morning pajama family at the weekends, but Tara didn’t like walking around Ira and Michelle’s house in her PJs.

****

****

She slipped into her comfortable shoes and made her way downstairs. She went into the living room first, where JJ was playing with his cars with the TV on in the background and Robyn was building blocks in her pen.

****

****

“Good morning sweetie,” Tara greeted JJ, ruffling his hair, then going to Robyn to drop a kiss on her head, “Hello my darling.”

****

****

JJ gave a distracted answer back and Robyn squealed behind her pacifier and offered Tara one of her soft blocks. Tara set it on top of the tower already created and Robyn took great pleasure in immediately demolishing it with her hands and feet.

****

****

Tara just smiled and straightened up again.

****

****

“Where’s Momma?”

****

****

“She went out,” JJ replied without looking up.

****

****

“When?” Tara asked, but JJ just shrugged.

****

****

Tara knew there was no point looking for concentration when there were toy cars or basketballs around, so she went off into the kitchen where Michelle was reading a magazine and nursing a cup of tea, while Ira was sitting opposite with a mug of coffee and a newspaper.

****

****

“Good morning, Tara,” they both said in unison, then smiled at each other for the whimsy.

****

****

“Hi,” Tara replied, keeping herself on the other side of the room, out of their space, “JJ just told me Willow went out.”

****

****

“She said she had to run some errands,” Ira replied.

****

****

Tara flushed pink with embarrassment.

****

****

“I’m so sorry. If I’d known I would have gotten up with the kids.”

****

****

Michelle waved a hand.

****

****

“You deserved a sleep-in, I saw you take on those extra cases this week.”

****

****

“Willow fed them, we’ve just kept an ear out,” Ira reassured kindly, “It was really no problem.”

****

****

Tara nodded, but her blush hadn’t died down.

****

****

“Well thank you, I really appreciate it. I’ll leave you to it.”

****

****

“Oh and, well, Tara…” Ira called after Tara, who turned back to face him, “Young Robyn seems to have learned a new word…”

****

****

If Tara thought she’d blushed before, it was nothing compared to now.

****

****

“Oh?” she said innocently, then quickly continued, “Good to see her vocabulary expanding. I-I’ll go teach her some new ones.”

****

****

In a conversational pivot Willow would be proud of, she turned and went back to the living room, closing the door to prevent any noise from traveling. The kids were caught up in their own games, so she took the remote and changed it to a morning chat show.

****

****

JJ spun around in protest.

****

****

“I was watching that!”

****

****

“What was it?” Tara challenged.

****

****

JJ looked caught out.

****

****

“Um…Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”

****

****

Tara shook her head.

****

****

“It was My Little Pony.”

****

****

“I like that too!” JJ replied with puppy dog eyes.

****

****

Tara sighed and put the cartoons back on.

****

****

“Have you thought about how you want your new room to look?”

****

****

JJ nodded excitedly.

****

****

“Uh-huh, yeah! Momma says I can put a hoop in there!”

****

****

Tara had to resist the urge to roll her eyes at her wife.

****

****

“Soft balls only inside the house,” she said, to a grumpy face from JJ.

****

****

“Why? It’s my room.”

****

****

“Because the sounds will go past your room and disturb everyone else,” Tara replied.

****

****

“Fine,” JJ replied curtly, in a manner at least 10 years beyond his age.

****

****

“Drop the attitude, mister,” Tara warned.

****

****

JJ looked over with his big, green eyes apologetically and scooted his butt toward Tara.

****

****

“Do I still get to paint it how I want?”

****

****

Tara was as taken in as she ever was by those eyes and smiled softly at her son.

****

****

“What color do you want?”

****

****

JJ’s eyes flashed with vibrancy.

****

****

“All of them.”

****

****

“All of them?” Tara asked with an arched eyebrow.

****

****

JJ nodded excitedly, then tumbled back over himself and made a gun shape with his hand.

****

****

“I wanna get a paintball gun and go pow! pow! pow! everywhere.”

****

****

It unsettled Tara’s stomach when JJ pretended to play with any kind of gun but they regularly talked to him about the dangers and she knew — hoped — it was a fairly typical thing he’d grow out of.

****

****

“That’s certainly unique,” she posited, her lips quirking up on one side in memory, “I used to do art projects kinda like that in college.”

****

****

“Can I?” JJ asked, biting his bottom lip for good measure.

****

****

Tara melted and reached out to cup her son’s face.

****

****

“I have to find out if that’s even possible and if it is, how expensive it is, but…” she trailed off with a smile, “I don’t see why we can’t do that.”

****

****

JJ’s eyes bugged and he leaped up into Tara’s lap and smothered her in a hug.

****

****

“Really?? Thank you, thank you!”

****

****

“Uh oh, what was Mommy just charmed into?” Willow’s voice came from the doorway she’d just walked through.

****

****

“He wants to decorate his room with a paintball gun,” Tara replied, while JJ remained clung to her with a massive smile as if she’d just given him the world.

****

****

“That is…” Willow said, considering it for a moment before grinning, “Awesome!”

****

****

JJ jumped off of Tara, ran over to hug Willow’s legs, then went to pick Robyn right up to dance with her.

****

****

“Wahoo!”

****

****

Robyn loved it and tried to tap her feet around in time with JJ, while Willow managed to whip out her phone to get video. Tara stood up and came over to Willow.

****

****

“Where did you disappear off to?”

****

****

“Finalizing things,” Willow non-answered, “We can head home whenever we’re ready.”

****

****

“I thought you had the kids, I stayed in bed,” Tara replied, arms lightly folded across her chest.

****

****

Willow shrugged.

****

****

“Dad said he didn’t mind.”

****

****

“We can’t take advantage like that,” Tara replied, shaking her head.

****

****

Willow continued to play on her phone without answering and Tara was starting to get mad at being ignored when her phone buzzed in her pocket. She took it out and unlocked the screen.

****

****

****

_**You need to get laid. I have an ‘opening’ at 9 pm** _

****

****  


****

Tara slowly grinned and playfully threw her eyes to heaven.

****

****

“I’m going to go finish packing us up before there’s nothing left of me but the spot I’ve been charmed in.”

****

****

Willow snuck an ass pat on Tara as she left, and winked when her wife looked over her shoulder.

****

****

Willow spotted Robyn on the crawl, so quickly plucked her up and back into her pen. She protested but soon got distracted when her foot hit against her book of animal sounds and she went on a quest to find a non-existent cow.

****

****

Michelle appeared then with a plate with two slices of warm banana bread and butter, which she set in front of JJ. He started gobbling it down immediately.

****

****

“’hanks!” he said through a mouthful.

****

****

Michelle smiled at him, then up at Willow.

****

****

“How did the errands go?”

****

****

“Great,” Willow smiled, “We’re going home. Getting out of your hair. Finally; I’m sure you’re saying.”

****

****

“Can I stay here?” JJ asked, licking the butter straight from the slice.

****

****

“What’s here that you can’t get at home?” Willow asked, pretending she couldn’t see the table manners.

****

****

JJ smiled wide, his two new front teeth shining brightly.

****

****

“Banana bread.”

****

****

“I think I might just have some more to send home with you,” Michelle reassured.

****

****

JJ turned his sweet smile to her.

****

****

“Thank you, Grandma.”

****

****

“You’re welcome honey,” Michelle replied lovingly, “We were glad to be able to help.”

****

****

“I know you’re being kind,” Willow said, laughing tiredly as she looked down at Robyn, “No one appreciates this one screeching at 2 am…and 4 am…and 6 am. Someday she might actually sleep through the night.”

****

****

“Oh, we had earplugs from the time we stayed with you,” Michelle said pleasantly.

****

****

“I should get me some of those,” Willow joked, “But I don’t think Tara would appreciate it. Hey buddy, I need you to start getting your stuff together.”

****

****

“Do I get to see my new room?” JJ asked excitedly.

****

****

Willow nodded.

****

****

“You sure do. Now, remember, you can’t move in until we paint, which may be a few weeks considering what you want to do.”

****

****

“I can wait, I can wait,” JJ replied eagerly, “Can I see it right now?”

****

****

“If you get all your stuff together,” Willow replied pointedly.

****

****

JJ jumped up and started gathering all of the toys that had taken over the room. Willow shot another apologetic look Michelle’s way, but she remained in her besotted grandmother bubble and just complimented JJ on his tidying skills.

****

****

Willow snuck off upstairs, checking the second guest room aka JJ’s room. It had basketball posters on the wall and an area of toys that stayed there all the time rendering the ‘guest’ part of the room limited to one in particular. It looked neat and pristine, definitely having had a mother’s touch to tidy it.

****

****

She continued down to the room she and Tara were sharing with Robyn. Robyn could have had her own room as Ira and Michelle had five bedrooms, but she wouldn't have settled on her own so they'd had company all week. In the room, she saw her wife folding things into a case.

****

****

“I was going to clean up Jake’s room.”

****

****

“You didn’t exactly rush upstairs after me,” Tara replied wryly, though in good humor, “And you can’t blame the crutches, you only needed them for a couple of days.”

****

****

Willow reached out and tapped Tara’s butt before stealing a squeeze.

****

****

“I just love watching you go too much.”

****

****

“Stop smacking my ass,” Tara said, not too convincingly.

****

****

“Stop having such a smackable ass,” Willow countered with a devilishly raised eyebrow.

****

****

Tara picked up a bag and shoved it at Willow’s chest in pretend annoyance, though she really loved it.

****

****

“Car.”

****

****

“Yes, ma’am,” Willow replied with a wink as she departed.

****

****

They packed up the car, then packed up the kids before saying goodbyes and thank yous to Ira and Michelle. JJ eagerly waved to his grandparents as the car drove off until they were out of view, then he started bouncing in the booster seat he was close to growing out of as they turned the corner to their street. His hand went to the seat belt but Willow caught it in the rear-view mirror and turned around with a raised mom-ish eyebrow.

****

****

“I better not see anything close to unbuckling before this car stops.”

****

****

JJ’s hand paused above the button but Willow stared him down until he removed it completely. Tara pulled up in the driveway and JJ leaped from his seat, though he could only bang on the window with his palms until Willow set him free.

****

****

She followed him up to the door to let him in, where he immediately went bolting up what was now the first set of stairs to the second set of stairs that led to his new bedroom.

****

****

“Don’t run on the— oh, it’s pointless,” Willow said in exasperation as she watched his head disappear around the new stairwell that led to the attic rooms.

****

****

Tara came up behind, carrying Robyn on her hip.

****

****

“He’s excited.”

****

****

“He won’t be excited when we have to go to the ER for a split head,” Willow replied, which made Robyn giggle for some reason.

****

****

“Momma’s funny isn’t she Robbie?” Tara asked with a smile and a bounce, “Momma’s so funny.”

****

****

“Momma wasn’t trying to be funny; she was trying to be safety-conscious!” Willow fake-grumbled with a smile, “Follow me.”

****

****

Tara followed Willow up to the second story hallway and to the bottom of their new stairs.

****

****

“You got a baby gate,” she said with a smile, grateful for her wife’s attention to detail.

****

****

“Like I said, Momma’s safety-conscious,” Willow quipped as she opened the gate for Tara to walk through.

****

****

Tara walked up the winding stairs, for the first time seeing the finished product they’d paid a decent chunk for and had their house turned upside for — not to mention having to move out.

****

****

There was a small corridor separating the two rooms, with each room having horizontal sliding doors to seal in privacy, both of which were opened right now to give them the full effect. The bathroom at the end of the hallways had an entrance from either room and had a full shower, toilet, and sink.

****

****

In the room to the right, JJ was skidding around, touching various points.

****

****

“And this is where I can put my bed, and this is where I can put my Knicks poster and this is where I can put my basketball hoop and this…”

****

****

Willow came to stand beside Tara and put an arm loosely around her shoulders.

****

****

“It looks great, doesn’t it?”

****

****

Tara nodded.

****

****

“I’m starting to wonder why we didn’t nab the whole space for ourselves.”

****

****

“Well this way we still have a guest room, which is nice,” Willow replied, then kissed Tara’s cheek, “Plus I love our room. It’s bright and warm and ours. Especially now that we have our own bath.”

****

****

She traced a finger lightly down Tara’s spine as she said that, who shot her a look to behave, though not before a noticeable shiver.

****

****

JJ ran up then, excitedly jumping on his tiptoes.

****

****

“When can I move all my stuff up??”

****

****

“I told you, buddy, we have to paint first and it might take a while to organize what you want,” Willow replied, “A couple of weeks.”

****

****

JJ was dejected but picked himself up.

****

****

“Can I play in here?”

****

****

Willow nodded.

****

****

“Yes, just make sure the baby gate is closed after you.”

****

****

JJ started to skid down to his ‘old’ bedroom to collect his Legos and some other toys but thought better of himself before Willow had a chance to correct him this time and slowed down, taking each step carefully before running off when he knew he was out of sight.

****

****

Willow heard the thud of his feet as he ran again.

****

****

“What’s gotten into him?”

****

****

“Being a little boy has gotten into him,” Tara replied light-heartedly, then leaned in and pressed a kiss to Willow’s lips, “You did great. I’m sure it was a lot to clean and organize.”

****

****

Willow smiled bashfully.

****

****

“I wanted you to get the full effect. The guys were pretty good, they cleaned up after themselves. Didn’t the roof lights turn out great?”

****

****

“Everything did, really,” Tara replied, walking from the corridor into JJ’s room and over to the far wall where closet space had been built in, “I’m very impressed.”

****

****

Willow grinned.

****

****

“You haven’t even seen our bathroom.”

****

****

She curled her finger in a ‘follow me’ motion and brought Tara back downstairs and into their bedroom.

****

****

Tara was pleased when she walked into the bedroom that the new addition didn’t shrink the rest of the room. Their house had always been a three-bed in a four-bed-space, so they had generous rooms to work with and she was grateful for it now.

****

****

Willow gestured for Tara to have a good look and took the baby from her, who started to fuss, not wanting to be away from Mommy.

****

****

Tara walked into the bedroom and it took her breath away for a moment. It was truly elegant with porcelain and marble features; dark, warm tiles, a shower Tara couldn’t wait to be under on a cold winter’s morning and a tub fit for two — and then some.

****

****

“Wow.”

****

****

“That’s what I said,” Willow replied, smiling despite Robyn hitting at her collarbone, “Truly our own space.”

****

****

Tara touched the smooth marble of the sink and enjoyed thinking of everything from bubble baths for two to sharing the sinks to brush teeth in the morning rush. It didn’t matter if it was sexy or mundane; as long as she got to do it with Willow by her side.

****

****

Robyn’s whines could only be ignored for so long and Tara turned back to take her.

****

****

“Okay, fussy monster, I think it’s naptime.”

****

****

Willow sighed.

****

****

“Reality setting back in. I guess I better go make lunch and start researching this paintballing business. And I’m sure the house will be in chaos before dinner is even thought about and that there’s homework to be done and baths to be had and I’ll have just enough time to brush my teeth in that beautiful, expensive sink before crashing and starting the whole thing over again.”

****

****

“I was promised a good lay,” Tara interjected playfully, making Willow grin again.

****

****

“Hey, I never said it would be good.”

****

****

Tara rested her chin on top of Willow’s head and pressed a kiss to her hair part.

****

****

“Thank you.”

****

****

“For what?” Willow asked, confused.

****

****

Tara took Willow’s hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

****

****

“Making this house a home.”

****


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

_**Six Months Earlier** _   


* * *

JJ kneeled at the window in the living room, face pressed against the glass and eyes darting back and forth across the street outside.  
  
  
A few false hopes were dashed as black SUVs drove by without slowing, and so he nearly leaped out of his skin when one finally turned into the driveway.  
  
  
“Uncle Jesse is here, Uncle Jesse is here!”  
  
  
He skidded out of the room and over to the front door, jumping the few inches he needed to snap the lock and open it. Jesse was coming up the pathway with a large black duffle bag, which JJ pounced on.  
  
  
“Is that it, is that it, is that it?!”  
  
  
“Hey, careful little dude,” Jesse advised, bringing the bag up behind his shoulder to protect it, “It’s sensitive equipment.”  
  
  
“Can I see it?” JJ begged with his sweet green eyes that had charmed many people twice his size.  
  
  
Jesse kneeled down and unzipped the bag. He reached in and brought the paintball gun out with both hands. JJ’s eyes grew big but before he could reach out to touch it, his mother’s voice boomed from behind.  
  
  
“That’s the only gun that’s ever going to pass this threshold.”  
  
  
Jesse hid the gun away in the bag and put it over his shoulder again.  
  
  
“Don’t worry, Tara. Health and safety first. I won’t let anything happen to your little guy,” he said as he rose with a smile.  
  
  
“Mmm,” Tara replied unsurely, “I’ve laid the plastic down, so you can go right on up. Jakey, you have to listen to everything your Uncle Jesse says.”  
  
  
“I know, I know,” JJ replied with annoyance but quickly retreated when he saw the look on Tara’s face, “I mean, I will, I promise. It’s this way, Uncle Jesse!”  
  
  
He bounded up the stairs, leaving the baby gate swinging in his wake.  
  
  
“Thanks again for doing this, Jesse, you’re making one very happy boy,” Tara said, picking Robyn up as she came crawling from the living room.  
  
  
“No problem, happy to help,” Jesse replied easily, “We do this all the time on boys’ weekends. He and Alex will be old enough to come along soon.”  
  
  
“Mmm,” Tara replied again, “Well I’ll have lunch ready for you boys when you’re done.”  
  
  
“Not gonna say no to some of your home cooking,” Jesse said as he moved toward the stairs, “We’ll have this done in no time.”  
  
  
He ambled up after JJ, taking alternating steps. Tara watched, sighed, and turned to Robyn sitting on her hip.  
  
  
“You’re not going to terrify Mommy and ask to bring guns into the house, are you?” she asked, tickling her daughter’s chubby pink cheek, “No, you won’t. No, you won’t.”  
  
  
Robyn blew bubbles and cuddled into Tara’s side. Tara walked into the kitchen and put her into her highchair. Robyn started to fuss but a few Cheerios kept her busy mauling and chewing. Tara checked on the shoulder of pork cooking in the crock pot, then went about chopping veggies for coleslaw and sweet potato fries.  
  
  
As she put the fries into the water to par-boil, she heard the front door open and close, then saw Willow appear a few moments later.  
  
  
“Hello, my honey pie,” Willow greeted, wandering over to kiss Tara’s cheek, then rounded the island again to catch Robyn’s hair, “And my cutie pie.”  
  
  
Robyn looked and smiled while clapping her hands.  
  
  
“Mmm, mmm, mmm!”  
  
  
“Mom-ma,” Willow said slowly, “Mommmm ma.”  
  
  
Robyn just flashed her front teeth in a grin and Willow sighed, though was smiling too.  
  
  
“Did you pick up the prescription?” Tara asked, just as Willow put a pharmacy bag up next to her.  
  
  
“Yep. In no time my ovaries will be thoroughly stimulated,” she announced cheerily, “Which is good because they were starting to get a little lazy. Only waking up once a month!”  
  
  
She perched herself on a stool and looked at Tara, who was grinning at the cabbage she was chopping.  
  
  
“What?”  
  
  
Tara looked up with her softly slopping lips, which Willow swooned at, still.  
  
  
“I just love you.”  
  
  
“Enough to carry my baby?” Willow asked sweetly.  
  
  
“Enough to carry two,” Tara joked, just as they heard a thud from above.  
  
  
“Paintballing?” Willow inquired.  
  
  
Tara didn’t look up this time to mask her disdain.  
  
  
“Mmm.”  
  
  
Willow pursed her lips and lowered her voice.  
  
  
“Better keep the baby talk down.”  
  
  
Tara pointed toward the door with the knife in her hand.  
  
  
“Go hide that stuff in our room, in the locked drawer.”  
  
  
Willow slid off the stool.  
  
  
“I know, I know, no needles to find their way into little hands,” she said, then looked over her shoulder as she sassily shook her ass, “Only in big butts.”  
  
  
Tara grinned again, which Willow saw as a victory and sauntered off up to their bedroom.  
  
  
She secured the hormones in the old mini-fridge she’d rooted out and locked it and the equipment in the highest drawer on the dresser. She couldn’t say she was looking forward to getting those needles jabbed in her ass every night, but she loved that Tara had asked for her to do it.  
  
  
She wasn’t hung up on the DNA of anyone in their family but having Tara grow a life she could gift her was a wonderful feeling, and the exact reason she’d asked Tara to give her Robyn. Once Tara had asked that of her, the last reservations had gone; she just couldn’t say no. She wanted it just as much.  
  
  
After double and triple-checking that drawer was locked, she climbed the attic staircase to check on the boys. There were about ten paint splashes on the wall, as well as all over the plastic covering, and JJ was seriously pondering the next set of colors to load up.  
  
  
Willow hung back and took a few sneaky pictures of him in the goggles, fuelling her own fantasies of him being a little scientist. She took a photo of Jesse helping him hold the gun, deciding she wouldn’t show Tara that one, but JJ heard the sound this time and spun around, incredulous.  
  
  
“Momma! Get out of here! You can’t see ‘til it’s done!”  
  
  
Willow took a shot of his adorable little outraged face but got out of there before a paintball was directed at her.  
  
  
“I’m leaving, I’m leaving.”  
  
  
She went back down both sets of stairs to the kitchen and walked in behind Tara, closing her arms around her wife’s middle.  
  
  
Tara leaned back whilst continuing to mix the bowl in front of her and enjoyed Willow’s embrace.  
  
  
Willow pulled up the goggles and angry face pictures on her phone and held it in front of Tara to see.  
  
  
“Oh, he’s so cute,” Tara said in that affectionately doting motherly voice.  
  
  
“And very, very serious,” Willow replied, mock-stern and grinning, “I think it’ll look pretty funky up there. He’s creative, like you. That makes me happy.”  
  
  
Her chin rested on Tara’s shoulder and she looked at the pictures for another moment before putting the phone away.  
  
  
“You know, we never talked about the donor.”  
  
  
“I just assumed we’d use the same one as before,” Tara answered easily, “We still have some on ice.”  
  
  
“But he looked like me,” Willow said, brow creasing.  
  
  
“Yes?” Tara asked, voice indicating confusion.  
  
  
Willow let go and came around the other side of the island to face her wife.  
  
  
“Don’t you want one that looks like you?”  
  
  
“I don’t care about that,” Tara replied with a shrug, followed by a soft smile, “I get to carry him or her. That’s more than enough. I think it’s smart to have them be genetically linked too if we can.”  
  
  
Willow nodded slowly.  
  
  
“Yeah, you’re right,” she replied, pausing for a moment before reaching out to stop the spoon Tara was mixing with, “Tara, are you sure you want to use my egg? They could be full siblings.”  
  
  
Tara stopped what she was doing to give Willow her full attention.  
  
  
“They will be full siblings, just like Robyn and JJ are,” she said, holding Willow’s hands and squeezing them, “I very much want to carry your baby.”  
  
  
She lifted Willow’s hands and kissed between them both, making Willow feel that heart-fluttering, stomach-flipping, all-around-melting feeling that only Tara could evoke.  
  
  
“Okay,” she replied with a sweet, gushing smile, “I love you, Tara.”  
  
  
“I love you, my darling,” Tara said and they met in the middle for a kiss.  
  
  
They parted with a little nose nuzzle, then Willow stepped back with a little pep in her step.  
  
  
“Put me to work.”  
  
  
Tara nodded toward Robyn.  
  
  
“Play with your daughter.”  
  
  
“You sure?” Willow asked.  
  
  
“Positive,” Tara replied, “She misses you when you’re not here.”  
  
  
Willow went over to Robyn and first cleaned up her slobbery hands and discarded the half-chewed, soggy Cheerios. When she was freshened up, she picked Robyn up and held her up like she was flying.  
  
  
“Is it a bird? Is it a plane?” she asked as she flew Robyn out of the kitchen and into the living room where they could play together, “It’s Super Robbie!”  
  
  
Tara reveled in hearing her daughter’s joyed giggle float through the walls and was so happy that soon there would be even more laughter in their house.  
  
  
She closed her eyes for just a moment to picture it, then glanced down at her belly. It was her turn to get a pep in her step as she finished off the pulled pork, ready to assemble into sandwiches.  
  
  
A little while later, feet came pounding down the stairs and JJ skidded into the kitchen, paint in his hair and clothes and still with the goggles covering his face.  
  
  
“Mom it’s so cool!” he gushed, then got a waft of all the smells around and clutched his stomach, “I’m hungry.”  
  
  
“Go sit at the table,” Tara advised as she handed him a clean dish towel to stop her chair cushions receiving any transference of paint, “Here, put this under you. And tell your Momma lunch is ready, please.”  
  
  
He rushed off and Tara smiled at the older man still standing there.  
  
  
“Did it all go okay, Jesse?”  
  
  
“He’s a pro,” Jesse replied, “I’ve seen grown men have more trouble shooting that thing. And he was very color-conscious.”  
  
  
“How does it look?” Tara asked, a little wary.  
  
  
Jesse just smiled.  
  
  
“Hipsters would probably make thousands if they did what he did in an art show.”  
  
  
Tara arched an eyebrow and Jesse threw a hand up, dismissing his own words.  
  
  
“It’s busy but perfect for a kid’s bedroom.”  
  
  
Tara opened the fridge and knocked the cap on a bottle of beer off, handing it over to him.  
  
  
“You earned this. I’ll bring your lunch in, in a second.”  
  
  
He started to walk away but Tara called him back.  
  
  
“Jesse.”  
  
  
Tara handed him a dishtowel too, which he took with a smile and enthusiastically waved it in the air.  
  
  
Tara finished up the sandwich platter and brought it into the dining room, with another trip for lemonade before sitting with the rest of them. They had all dutifully waited but were quick to dig in when Tara sat down, throwing out thanks as their hands and mouths got busy.  
  
  
“Thanks, Tara.”  
  
  
“Thanks, Mom!”  
  
  
“Thank you, baby.”  
  
  
“Ta-ta omm-mee, omm-mee ta-ta!”  
  
  
Tara lifted a few sweet potato fries onto Robyn’s high chair table before taking her own portion.  
  
  
“You’re welcome, everyone.”  
  
  
Jesse’s sandwich was big enough to need both of his huge hands to hold onto, though he was making decent dents into it.  
  
  
“Alice and Ella are gone on a shopping day, but they’ll be so jealous I got fed here.”  
  
  
“You can take the leftovers,” Tara offered graciously.  
  
  
Jesse winked.  
  
  
“They still wouldn’t get any of it.”  
  
  
After lunch, Jesse cleared the plates and JJ jumped up to help; wanting to maximize the time with his uncle.  
  
  
Willow brought Robyn into the living room to play for a little while before her nap and Tara took a load of laundry upstairs to fold and put away. As she returned the basket to the laundry room, JJ turned from where he was sitting on the island and grinned at her.  
  
  
“Uncle Jesse says he can take me REAL paintballing when I’m eight.”  
  
  
Jesse chuckled nervously.  
  
  
“I said you had to ask your moms, little dude.”  
  
  
“Can I?” JJ asked with the puppy dog eyes Tara could very rarely resist, no matter who in the family it came from.  
  
  
“We’ll think about it,” Tara answered diplomatically, “That’s still a while away yet.”  
  
  
JJ pouted but didn’t argue. Jesse headed out with plans to call Xander and Alex for some 2-on-2 basketball later and JJ was immediately trying to pull Tara upstairs to see his room. They met Willow on the way from leaving Robyn’s room.  
  
  
“Jeez, we’re coming,” she said as their eager boy took his new stairs two by two.  
  
  
They got to the top and pushed the sliding door along the floor until they could walk into the room. The walls had sporadic bursts of paint in every color of the rainbow; some huge splashes and other small splatters.  
  
  
“I did it all, I did it all! I used the machine and went splat, splat, splat, splat!” he said, motioning what he’d done with his hands, before turning to them with much more innocence, “Do you like it?”  
  
  
Tara bent down and held her son's face gently in her hands.  
  
  
“It looks wonderful, honey. I’m very proud that you had an idea and you saw it the whole way through. I love all of the colors.”  
  
  
JJ flashed his smile, missing a tooth, and Willow offered her hand.  
  
  
“High five, bud.”  
  
  
He met the high five and jumped along with it.  
  
  
“When can I move all my stuff?”  
  
  
“We’ll let the paint dry overnight and get everything moved up tomorrow. How does that sound?” Tara suggested.  
  
  
JJ threw his hands around both of their legs.  
  
  
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”  
  
  
Willow stroked his fair hair.  
  
  
“We love you Jakey.”  
  
  
JJ leaped toward the door.  
  
  
“I’m gonna go pack all my toys in my toy box!”  
  
  
“Quietly please, don’t wake your sister,” Willow advised, which JJ acknowledged by making his steps quieter on the stairs, “You know, it’s not awful. I was kind of looking forward to decorating though. Getting my overalls on and being all sexy with paint-wisped hair.”  
  
  
Tara put an arm around Willow’s shoulders.  
  
  
“Soon we’ll have a new nursery to decorate.”  
  
  
“Is it weird I’m looking forward to getting jabbed in the ass?” Willow asked with a sly grin.  
  
  
Tara grinned back.  
  
  
“It’s not the weirdest fetish.”  
  
  
Willow bumped Tara’s hip with her own.  
  
  
“Shut up,” she said, before adding coyly, “You’ll have to kiss it better.”  
  
  
Tara raised her eyebrows suggestively.  
  
  
“Like I need an excuse.”  
  
  
They met for a quick kiss, after which Willow sighed.  
  
  
“This month is going to be pretty crazy.”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara agreed, “But it’s always pretty crazy.”  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“We’ll get through it. We always do. Together.”  
  
  
Tara moved, taking Willow’s hands and resting their foreheads together so their noses bumped.  
  
  
“Together.”  
  


* * *

  
Willow stood, bent over the end of the bed with a tensed body and eyes flashing with anger.  
  
  
“I’m not giving the dresser a 10-minute moon here, can you hurry up?”  
  
  
Tara finished filling the syringe with the ovulation stimulation hormones and approached Willow from behind.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, honey,” she said apologetically, “Is there a certain way you want me to do it? You said I hurt you yesterday.”  
  
  
“Yeah, quick,” Willow replied with curtness on the verge of rudeness, “As in very.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed her own emotions and steadied her hand enough to jab the needle into the exposed top of Willow’s butt. Willow snapped herself away before Tara was even finished retracting, pulling her pajama bottoms up and sulking off.  
  
  
“Ow, by the way.”  
  
  
“I’m really sorry Willow,” Tara replied, at a bit of a loss, “I don’t enjoy it. I’m trying to do it as quickly as possible.”  
  
  
“Yeah, well, a lot of people are thankful you’re not a nurse,” Willow replied snarkily as she fiddled with the alarm clock they continued to set despite all of the electronics around with the same features.  
  
  
Tara looked away. She knew the hormones were making her wife far more irritable than usual, but the words still stung. She didn’t feel like she could say anything though, because she knew she’d been cranky too when she was doing it nearly two years ago.  
  
  
She moved over and put a soothing hand on Willow’s back.  
  
  
“I know it’s hard but it’ll all be worth it.”  
  
  
Willow’s head snapped toward Tara, venom in her voice.  
  
  
“Will it, huh? Is it after I get repeatedly punctured, or after I have all this crap soaring through my veins, or after I have to get knocked out so I can get a probe shoved up my vagina?”  
  
  
“I did this, I know exactly how it feels,” Tara replied, trying to sound sympathetic, “But I promise as soon as we hear the words—”  
  
  
Willow scoffed.  
  
  
“Words schmords, nothing about this is good.”  
  
  
Tara reached out to touch Willow’s belly but thought better and retracted it.  
  
  
“This is the only way to get your egg.”  
  
  
“Maybe I don’t want to give you my egg anymore!” Willow replied with nothing but petulance.  
  
  
Tara couldn’t brush that one off; it hurt.  
  
  
“I-Is that the hormones talking o-or do you mean it?”  
  
  
Willow knew that was too far and the look on Tara’s face made her feel a hundred times worse than any set of hormones could. It just made her angrier and she turned away completely.  
  
  
“Oh, just leave me alone.”  
  
  
She felt the springs of the bed shift beneath her as Tara stood up, then heard the heart-wrenching sniffle as Tara passed by the doorway and left her alone, as she’d asked but nothing like she actually wanted.  
  
  
She sunk down onto the floor with her head in her knees and felt like bursting into tears. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms for a few moments to try and stave it off until she heard soft footsteps coming back.  
  
  
She dropped her hands, ready to profess her deepest apologies and pronouncements of her own stupidity, but a much tinier version of her wife appeared in lieu of who she expected.  
  
  
“Hey, where did you come from?” she asked as Robyn toddled over to her with her blankie dragging behind her, clutched in her little hand.  
  
  
Robyn climbed into Willow’s lap and Willow started to crane her head to look for Tara, expecting her to be right behind but was soon distracted as Robyn nuzzled into her.  
  
  
“Mom-mah.”  
  
  
Willow did a double-take and held Robyn out in front of her.  
  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
  
Robyn offered a toothy grin and flailed her arms.  
  
  
“Mom-mah. Mom-mah.”  
  
  
Willow wanted to cry for a whole new reason but emitted it all in a smile instead. She brought her daughter in close and cradled her to her chest like she was a tiny baby again.  
  
  
“Yeah, baby girl. I’m your Momma.”  
  
  
They had a cuddle with Robyn clinging to her Momma and blankie with the same intensity.  
  
  
After a moment, there were heavier footsteps and Tara appeared, speaking before she even got to the door.  
  
  
“I know you want to be alone, but I just want to say if you really don’t want to keep doing this—”  
  
  
“I do,” Willow interrupted, caressing the back of Robyn’s strawberry-blonde locks as she looked up to Tara with apologetic eyes, “I do want to give you my egg. As many as you need. If it means a hundred needles or a thousand or a million. If it means feeling like this for a week, or a month, or a year. I want you to carry my baby and everything that entails.”  
  
  
Tara moved onto her knees near her wife and daughter and Willow moved to rest her head on Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“I’m sorry I’m such a crabby cow.”  
  
  
Tara gently gathered them both into her embrace.  
  
  
“I hate seeing you so all over the place. You must feel awful.”  
  
  
Willow hated herself even more in the wake of Tara’s kindness.  
  
  
“Not enough to take it out on you,” she said, discreetly wiping the corner of her eye on the neckline of Tara’s top, “I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. I promise I won’t act like that again. I love you, Tara.”  
  
  
Tara kissed the top of Willow’s head.  
  
  
“I love you so much Willow and I love you for doing this for me.”  
  
  
They all cuddled together on the floor for a minute or two until Robyn reached out to yank some of Willow’s hair.  
  
  
“Mom-mah.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes widened.  
  
  
“She said—”  
  
  
“I know,” Willow replied softly, the joy clearly evident in her voice and not even a hint of pain from the hair-pulling, “Lucky number seven.”  
  
  
Tara kissed Willow’s shoulder repeatedly, knowing how much this meant to her wife, then leaned in a little further to kiss Robyn’s forehead.  
  
  
“Good girl. That’s your Momma. That’s your Momma, you know your Momma,” she said in a soft voice before continuing normally to Willow, “Did she wake up or did you wake her up for a cuddle?”  
  
  
Willow’s head swung around to look at Tara.  
  
  
“You didn’t get her out of bed?”  
  
  
Tara’s brow creased.  
  
  
“No, I went downstairs to make some tea.”  
  
  
Willow’s mouth hung open.  
  
  
“She came in here by herself.”  
  
  
“She what?” Tara asked, and was immediately standing and rushing over to Robyn’s room.  
  
  
Willow followed a few steps behind her and watched Tara examine the crib for damage or instability, but it was perfectly intact.  
  
  
“Did she climb it?” Willow asked in disbelief.  
  
  
Tara was literally scratching her head.  
  
  
“There’s no way she could climb it yet, is there?”  
  
  
“Well, she got out somehow,” Willow lamented.  
  
  
“JJ didn’t climb out until he was two,” Tara pondered to herself, but had to concede a point when she looked over and saw the butter-wouldn’t-melt look on her daughter’s face, “But he wasn’t this mischievous little cutie monster.”  
  
  
Willow peered into the crib and had a little tug of the slats, hoping to find something wrong that could be fixed so she didn’t have to face the reality of it all.  
  
  
“We can’t lower the crib, it’s handmade,” she said eventually, resigned.  
  
  
Tara sighed.  
  
  
“Looks like we’ll be researching toddler beds again.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“I’m not ready for that.”  
  
  
“You mean she’s not ready?” Tara questioned.  
  
  
Willow held Robyn closer to her again.  
  
  
“No, Climby McClimberson here is clearly ready. _I’m_ not ready for my baby to be a toddler!”  
  
  
Tara could only laugh and Robyn fed off it, giggling along with her. Tara pursed her lips to stop herself and lowered her voice.  
  
  
“We need to get her back to sleep or we’ll be up all night. We’ll have to take her in with us.”  
  
  
Willow started to nod, then stopped and handed Robyn off.  
  
  
“Wait, I have an idea.”  
  
  
She went over to the door to close it just in case the noise traveled upstairs and woke up JJ, then went back to the crib and turned it around so the low side was against the wall and the higher side faced out.  
  
  
“Look how smart your Momma is,” Tara said to Robyn, who reached out again for Willow.  
  
  
“Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom-mah.”  
  
  
Willow took Robyn again for a big cuddle, while Tara knocked out the lights and left the nightlight on. They both kissed the baby and Willow set her back down into her crib and set her mobile to spin.  
  
  
Her pacifier was popped into her mouth so she knew it was time to settle. She sucked on it and looked at them expectantly, so they duly obliged.  
  
  
“Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,” Tara sang in a gentle, soothing tone.  
  
  
“Do-do-do-do-do,” Willow added in some soft doo-wop.  
  
  
“Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,” Tara continued, smiling at her wife.  
  
  
“Ba-do ba-do,” Willow smiled back.  
  
  
Tara slipped her hand into Willow’s on the other side of the crib.  
  
  
“I hate to leave you, but I really must say…”  
  
  
“Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight,” they sang together and Robyn gave a last, slow suck of her pacifier before nodding off.  
  
  
They both watched to make sure she was peaceful, and just to admire the little life they made together. It was quite affirming and they both squeezed each other’s palms at the same time, then shared a smile.  
  
  
They walked back into the hallway and both sought out each other for an immediate hug and quick smooch.  
  
  
“What are we like?” Willow asked as their heads rested together and their arms stayed around each other.  
  
  
“Any other family,” Tara answered, kissing Willow again just because she could.  
  
  
“I’m going to take my shot in the butt like a champ from now on,” Willow announced surely, though became distracted as her eyes fell to Tara’s lips, up to her eyes and back down again, “You know there are other side effects apart from the grump…I’m sure you remember…”  
  
  
Tara’s lips quirked into a suggestive crooked smile before she took a step forward to lead Willow into the bedroom.  
  
  
“Oh, I remember…”


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

_**Five Months Earlier** _  


* * *

Tara shifted around, trying to get comfortable in the medical gown that was very loosely tied around her body.  
  
  
The hard examination table she was sitting on didn’t help much; neither did the paper chafing against the back of her thighs.  
  
  
To her side, Willow was opening the drawers of medical supplies, taking out tongue depressors and cotton balls and tossing them around.  
  
  
Tara reached and flicked her fingers against Willow’s arm.  
  
  
“Willow, stop it.”  
  
  
Willow put everything away quickly.  
  
  
“Sorry,” she said sheepishly, “It’s antsy being on this side of things.”  
  
  
She pulled up the stool and sat beside Tara.  
  
  
“Why does a gyno need tongue depressors anyway? Does she need your vagina to say ‘ahhh’?”  
  
  
Tara began to give Willow a withering look, whilst hiding a smile when their doctor came into the area.  
  
  
“Hello, ladies,” Dr. Wells greeted with a warm smile, “The nurse is prepping the treatment room, then we’ll wheel you in there. I’m just going to do a quick exam here first, if you don’t mind, Tara. Just procedure to make sure there are no problems before the embryo transfer. Have you got a full bladder?”  
  
  
“Quite full,” Tara replied, pleasantly despite the uncomfortableness.  
  
  
“Are they looking good?” Willow asked, holding onto the side of the stool to contain her excitement, “The embryos?”  
  
  
“All three, ready to go,” the doctor confirmed as she pulled up at Tara’s lower half to conduct the examination.  
  
  
Tara looked over to Willow with a wry, crooked smile.  
  
  
“She’s fishing for a compliment,” she explained, before reaching over to pat Willow’s hand, “I’m sure you have very pretty eggs, honey.”  
  
  
Willow stuck out her tongue but took Tara’s hand and held it firmly between them.  
  
  
After a couple of minutes, the doctor looked back up and disposed of her gloves.  
  
  
“Everything looks good.”  
  
  
“I could have told you that,” Willow quipped.  
  
  
“If you don’t behave I won’t let you come with me,” Tara warned playfully as she took her feet down from the stirrups.  
  
  
“Please let me come,” Willow asked with a pouting mouth, “You’ll want a companion when you have to lie upside down for an hour anyway.”  
  
  
“Will you regale me with your bad jokes and geeky stories?” Tara asked, failing to hide the mirth in her voice.  
  
  
Willow leaned in so their faces were close.  
  
  
“Those bad jokes and geeky stories got you to marry me. Do you regret it?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“Not for a second.”  
  
  
Willow pressed a soft, sweet kiss to Tara’s lips.  
  
  
“Love you,” she whispered.  
  
  
“Love you,” Tara whispered back.  
  
  
Dr. Wells finished noting something on Tara’s chart and placed it back on the end of the bed.  
  
  
“I’m going to prep myself for the procedure and the nurse will be in to take you down shortly.”  
  
  
“Thank you, doctor,” Tara replied.  
  
  
“Thanks, Dr. Wells,” Willow echoed.  
  
  
She left through the curtain they were waiting behind, which Willow fixed up again to preserve Tara’s privacy. Her mothering instincts came to the fore and she came around to fluff Tara’s pillow too.  
  
  
“I’ll pick up dinner on the way home this evening. Don’t exert yourself after we leave here.”  
  
  
“I have tuna casserole ready to bake,” Tara replied easily, “I have to go to court this afternoon before I collect JJ anyway.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrow rose.  
  
  
“I thought you took the day off.”  
  
  
Tara shrugged.  
  
  
“I’ve just been managing my mornings to make the appointments work. I make my own schedule so as long as the work gets done no one suspects or questions anything.”  
  
  
Willow smiled.  
  
  
“I’ve been claiming trouble with the DMV. No matter how much time is wasted, or how ridiculous a claim I make about them, everyone believes it. Work piles up when I’m gone though, which sucks.”  
  
  
Tara smiled sympathetically, just as the curtain rustled and a curly-haired woman appeared, in blue scrubs that sat loosely on her unblemished, dark skin.  
  
  
“Hello, Willow and Tara. It’s good to see you again. Are we ready to head down to the treatment room?”  
  
  
Willow stood up straight, happy to see her.  
  
  
“Hey, it’s Maya, right? You were our nurse when I was getting pregnant. We’ve been dealing with Amy this time.”  
  
  
“I’m afraid you’re stuck with me today,” Maya replied good-naturedly.  
  
  
“Hey, that’s great, you can be our good luck charm!” Willow replied cheerily, “Got it first time ‘round last time.”  
  
  
“She’s hiding a brag behind a compliment,” Tara teased, which was helping to ease her own nerves.  
  
  
“You guys had a daughter, right?” Maya asked in a way that seemed nothing but genuine interest, despite how many patients she had to keep track of.  
  
  
Willow fished her phone out of her pocket and started showing off the latest set of pictures she had.  
  
  
“That’s Robyn. She’s 15 months now. It almost seems like yesterday I was here getting her in my belly but I also can’t remember life without her.”  
  
  
“She’s adorable,” Maya said with a real smile, “You guys ready to go try and give her a little brother or sister?”  
  
  
Willow walked back to Tara and took her hand. She smiled at her wife.  
  
  
“We’re ready.”  


* * *

_**Four Months Earlier** _  


* * *

The first time Tara got the phone call that the pregnancy hadn’t taken, Willow wasn’t there.  
  
  
Willow had come home from some last-minute grocery shopping for their family Hanukkah meal the next day, to find her wife hiding in the laundry room and sobbing.  
  
  
They’d been so gung-ho, so certain after their previous success that they hadn’t really prepared themselves that it wouldn’t just work again this time around.  
  
  
Willow took charge as the chief comforter; hugging Tara and telling her it was all okay, that they’d try again and that they should just enjoy and ride out the holidays until the next round.  
  
  
Tara had decided she wanted to do consecutive cycles of IVF, which meant no breaks in-between each one. Freezing Willow’s eggs has made this process easier, but still promised to be taxing on Tara’s body, so Willow planned to make their downtime as relaxing as possible. Normally ready to sped into anything she needed done, Willow actually thought they should space it out, but it was Tara's body and Willow deferred to her on it.  
  
  
Christmas morning had come and they’d had a really lovely time, eating pancakes and opening gifts.  
  
  
Willow was sitting behind JJ as he played with his newly-opened gift from Santa, a toy train.  
  
  
He had assembled the track and had the train following along it, while he built a surrounding town with his Legos.  
  
  
Willow was offering advisement and encouragement, but mostly sneaking peeks at Tara, sitting on the couch with Robyn in her arms, soothing her to sleep after the excitement of Christmas morning.  
  
  
She loved watching them together any time but particularly enjoyed seeing her wife in her baby-whisperer mode as she calmed their often unruly daughter into slumber.  
  
  
Robyn was reaching up and playing with Tara’s hair, her little fingers growing persistently wearier.  
  
  
Finally, Willow saw the gentle suck of the pacifier slow to a halt and Robyn’s hand fall to her side as she instinctively cuddled into her Mommy.  
  
  
It warmed Willow’s heart and turned her desire for another even more solid.  
  
  
As Tara set Robyn down in her play pen with a blanket, Willow snuck up beside her on the couch with one hand hidden behind her back.  
  
  
She presented a present to Tara and kissed her cheek.  
  
  
“This one got lost behind the tree.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and returned the cheek kiss to Willow. She turned over the gift and unwrapped it.  
  
  
It was a photo frame.  
  
  
A nice photo frame, in keeping with their décor, but completely empty. Willow spotted the confused look and tapped the empty space where a picture would go.  
  
  
“That’s where we’ll put the very first photo of our new baby.”  
  
  
Tara was touched, and couldn’t say anything; too choked up. Willow reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.  
  
  
“I know it’s not fair that it worked for me the first time and not you, but it just means we go again. Never give up.”  
  
  
She pressed a tender kiss to Tara’s lips, who repeated the sentiment with a shaky voice.  
  
  
“Never give up.”  


* * *

_**Three Months Earlier** _  


* * *

The second time Tara got the phone call, Willow was upstairs.  
  
  
She was packing clothes away into their dresser when JJ appeared in the doorway, his handheld games console hanging by his side and his young eyes troubled.  
  
  
“Momma?”  
  
  
Willow didn’t look up, so she missed his look.  
  
  
“Yeah, buddy?”  
  
  
“I think Mommy’s upset,” JJ said, his tone indicating he was too.  
  
  
Willow looked up and dropped the laundry hamper. She came over and bent down to JJ’s side.  
  
  
“Don’t worry, it’s just adult stuff,” she said rubbing his arm comfortingly, “Hey, how about we plan a laser tag visit with Alex and your uncles soon. Do you want to call and ask?”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes shone excitedly and he nodded. Willow took her cell phone from her pocket, dialed the number and gave it to JJ, who ran upstairs to his room.  
  
  
Willow hurried down to the living room, where Tara was sitting on the couch.  
  
  
She wasn’t crying but was clearly trying to hold it in. Willow didn’t need to ask what it was. She sat down and pulled Tara’s head to her chest.  
  
It took a moment, but she felt wet drops start to fall on the exposed skin on her chest. She knew she had to be strong, for Tara, so just repeated the mantra she told herself every day too.  
  
  
“Every time our chances go up. Every time.”  
  
  
Tara’s pained sniffling hit Willow in the heart and she took in a shaken breath, trying to breathe out the emotion again so her tone would be reassuring.  
  
  
“Every time.”  


* * *

_**Two Months Earlier** _  


* * *

The third time Tara got the phone call, Willow was right beside her.  
  
  
They knew the call was coming that day and Willow hadn’t left her side in anticipation.  
  
  
This time had to work; it had too.  
  
  
She’d been quipping ‘three times lucky’ and ‘third times a charm’ for weeks and there were no platitudes for four.  
  
  
Their anniversary had passed them by without much fanfare other than getting food delivered so neither of them had to cook. They couldn’t have sex as it was in the post-implantation period and both were kind of relieved as the weight of their fertility impedance hung over them.  
  
  
When the phone eventually rang, there was little of the nervous excitement that such an event had produced in the past. The only hint was in Tara’s voice as she answered and confirmed her name.  
  
  
Willow watched with every muscle tensed so her shaking wouldn’t betray her.  
  
  
She saw the moment her wife’s world was crushed all over again.  
  
  
Tara's eyes weren’t filled with tears, but dejection.  
  
  
Tara hung up, silently shook her head in Willow’s direction and stood to get on with things like nothing had happened. The lack of reaction was as upsetting as the news itself. With all of the heartache her wife had endured, Willow had never seen her grow so demoralized so quickly.  
  
  
Willow had kept herself together each and every time; to be strong for Tara, to be her support, but the dead look in her wife’s eyes took her strength away and tears sprang to her eyes.  
  
  
It ripped her heart apart every time they were told their dreams were dashed and she felt entirely guilty that she had had such an easier time when it was her ‘go’.  
  
  
She gave herself 60 seconds to silently sob, before wiping her eyes and standing up to continue to take care of her wife and children.  


* * *

_**One Month Earlier** _  


* * *

Tara pulled the car to a halt in the old and dilapidated church parking lot.  
  
  
She closed her eyes for a moment, but it was a bad idea as she immediately heard shots being fired and saw splashes of blood behind her eyelids.  
  
  
It was the same thing whenever she came near this place, so she avoided it often. Even staying clear from ' _the_ house', the worst memory of her life plagued her here.  
  
  
Today, though — today, she was desperate.  
  
  
For guidance, for clarity, for relief.  
  
  
She wasn’t religious in any specifically aligned way, but she felt she might get whatever she needed here. She had to try, at least.  
  
  
She stepped out of the car and took some measured steps across the lot. She hesitated before approaching her confidante but finally just kneeled down.  
  
  
“Hi, Mom.”  
  
  
She took some stones from the grave and put them on top of the headstone, out of habit from visiting with Willow.  
  
  
“Back again…I couldn’t speak so openly when the family was here for your birthday…today I just needed some one-on-one time.”  
  
  
She traced her mother’s name and then her gaze fell to the dates printed beneath.  
  
  
She shook her head.  
  
  
“You were younger than I am when you died.”  
  
  
Her eyes glazed over for a moment.  
  
  
“I still can’t get my head around that. My little boy is just a bit younger than I was. I can’t imagine him being alone with…”  
  
  
She made herself stop to focus.  
  
  
“I came to ask you your…advice…opinion…whatever.”  
  
  
She sat back on her heels and took a few moments to ponder where to start.  
  
  
“I want a baby, Momma. I want to feel a child grow in me, to know that kind of nurturing.”  
  
  
Her voice started to get choked up.  
  
  
“But it’s not working. I haven’t been doing it years like some people, but I’ve been doing it intensely and it just…isn’t working.”  
  
  
She made herself stop and take a breath.  
  
  
“I know that it takes time, I do. But it’s taxing. And tolling. And…to continue the theme, tumultuous,” she said, smiling despite everything as she thought she sounded a little bit like Willow, “It’s expensive, too. We have the money but I just keep thinking about how much is wasted every time it fails.”  
  
  
Her hand skimmed the layer of pebbles atop the grave.  
  
  
“But I’m not here about the money…I’m here about…me.”  
  
  
She took several minutes then to gather her thoughts, grateful no one else was around to eavesdrop.  
  
  
“I haven’t told her, but…if this time doesn’t work…I don’t think I can go again.”  
  
  
She closed her eyes.  
  
  
“I know everyone will say take a break, give your body a chance, but…I can’t. The waiting is so painful. It’s been six months; it feels like six years, six decades. My emotions are…destroyed. I’m neglecting the kids I have. My job is suffering. Willow and I ate takeout pizza for our anniversary dinner.”  
  
  
Tears sprung to her eyes and one fell down her cheek.  
  
  
“All I can think about is the ache in my womb, and…”  
  
  
She inhaled shakily and pulled herself together.  
  
  
“A-and it’s too self-indulgent. I have a family. I’m lucky.”  
  
  
She breathed out and felt calmer.  
  
  
“I’m lucky.”  
  
  
She nodded as if to reassure herself.  
  
  
“Thanks for the talk.”  
  
  
She started to stand but paused for a moment to press her lips to her fingers, then against the slate of the headstone.  
  
  
For the first time, she noticed the bunch of roses already sitting there. She figured Michelle must have been visiting again recently.  
  
  
“Do what you can for me. I love you, Mom.”  
  
  
With one last reverential bow, she walked back to her car and went home.  


* * *

_**Two Weeks Earlier** _  


* * *

Willow hurried downstairs, phone in hand, and sped into the living room where Tara was flicking through a magazine on the couch.  
  
  
“Baby.”  
  
  
Tara looked up and Willow indicated to the phone in her hand.  
  
  
“They say there were only able to harvest one embryo and want to know if we want to wait to do another egg retrieval to get more before doing the next round.”  
  
  
Tara tensed.  
  
  
She’d braced herself that this would all be over soon, one way or the other.  
  
  
It took a moment, but she finally answered.  
  
  
“No.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow creased, not expecting that answer.  
  
  
“But Tara, it’s way more economical and easier all round to just–”  
  
  
“I said no,” Tara interrupted, more firmly.  
  
  
“Is it because I’d have to do another retrieval?” Willow asked in confusion, “Because I don’t mind, it’s not that bad. It’s just one day off work, it’s not that much to catch up on. That old DMV excuse is still going strong. And I won’t get crabby this time, I promise.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“I’m done.”  
  
  
Willow sank down beside Tara.  
  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
  
“I mean I’m done,” Tara elucidated clearly, “If this egg doesn’t work…it’s over.”  
  
  
“O-Over?” Willow asked with her voice cracking.  
  
  
Tara couldn’t stand the distress in her wife’s tone and stood up, leaving the room.  
  
  
“I’m sorry. I just can’t anymore.”  
  
  
Willow gaped for a moment before registering someone was speaking from the phone. She lifted it to her ear.  
  
  
“Um…I guess we’re…going ahead. Thanks. Bye.”  
  
  
She hung up and put the phone down, staring after Tara is disbelief.  
  


* * *

  
Willow nervously sat in the familiar stool along Tara’s bedside as they waited for the latest, and now potentially last, embryo transfer to take place.  
  
  
Her legs were shaking but she was trying to hide it, not very successfully. She finally just jumped up, needing out of that sterile room for a moment.  
  
  
“Do you want some water?”  
  
  
Tara was feeling much the same but was more restricted in her movements on the operating table.  
  
  
“Yes, please,” she answered croakily.  
  
  
Willow hurried out of the room and down the end of the corridor to the water cooler. She filled a cup three times, downing it each time before crushing it in her hand.  
  
  
She was really shaking now and people were staring as they passed by. Someone must have said something because a minute or two later, Dr. Wells appeared in her scrubs, but not yet in her gloves or mask.  
  
  
“Willow,” she said with concern as she approached. “Are you all right?”  
  
  
Willow had worked herself into a mini-state and turned to the doctor with troubled eyes.  
  
  
“She said this is it, this is our last chance and when I ask about it she just says she can’t anymore!”  
  
  
Dr. Wells offered comforting a comforting gaze and took Willow’s babbling in her stride.  
  
  
“It’s a very hard process on you both. You have to take each development as it comes.”  
  
  
Willow looked up, eyes glassy with unshed tears.  
  
  
“Why isn’t it working? Is it my fault? Is it my eggs? Screw my eggs, I don’t care whose eggs we use! Her eggs work, they work, they worked with me, why are we using my reject ones?!”  
  
  
The doctor recognized Willow’s pain and let her have a moment to compose herself.  
  
  
“Unfortunately this is how the process goes. There are no guarantees. But you’re both doing everything right, everything you can.”  
  
  
“There’s nothing else I can do?” Willow asked in a small voice.  
  
  
“Plenty,” the doctor advised with enough confidence that it passed to Willow too, “Keep positive. And I know how difficult that is, I do. But for her, try to keep positive. And if the time comes that you decide to stop these procedures…let her mourn and hang onto hope that there is always a way. You have a strong relationship.”  
  
  
Willow made herself stand taller.  
  
  
“I can do positive. I can kick negative’s butt!”  
  
  
The doctor smiled and geared Willow back toward the room Tara was in.  
  
  
“Go in there and hold her hand. I’ll be in in a moment.”  
  
  
Willow tossed the empty cup into the trash can and headed back into the treatment room with her head held high.  
  
  
Tara watched her sit back down beside her, brimming with a smile.  
  
  
“Did you get my water?”  
  
  
Willow stalled for a moment.  
  
  
“Um…the cooler was empty. I can get you a bottle from the car.”  
  
  
“It’s okay, I’m not that thirsty,” Tara replied quietly.  
  
  
That had put pause to Willow’s step, but she made herself recover for Tara’s sake. She took her wife’s hand.  
  
  
“Just so you know, I think you’re so strong to do this for us.”  
  
  
Tara slowly brought her gaze to meet Willow’s eyes.  
  
  
“I don’t feel strong,” she admitted.  
  
  
Willow brought her stool as close to the table as possible.  
  
  
“What do you feel?”  
  
  
Tara blinked away some tears.  
  
  
“Scared. Scared I’m…broken.”  
  
  
Willow brought Tara’s hand up to kiss it.  
  
  
“You’re not broken, my love. You’re the strongest of us all.”  
  
  
Tara waved her hand at her face and fought the tears back.  
  
  
“I wish my womb would listen.”  
  
  
Willow smiled, hoping her wife would mirror it.  
  
  
“You just have to remind your womb to mind its manners. Tell it to say ‘hello little embryo, how are you doing today? Feeling all great and grow-y? Hey, can I offer you some nice uterine wall to attach to?’”  
  
  
Tara not only smiled, she laughed and laughed hard. It was a joyous sound to Willow’s ears, who giggled along with her until they both calmed down, huddled close together. Willow rubbed her thumb over Tara’s knuckles and gazed at her lovingly.  
  
  
“It’s gonna be okay, baby.”  
  
  
Tara looked deep into Willow’s eyes and for the first time in a while, felt that strength pour through her.  
  
  
“It’s gonna be okay.”  
  
  
She caught Willow’s hand tighter and repositioned herself on the table with a steely determination. The doorknob moved with anticipation of the nurse and doctor coming through, and Tara leaned in to steal a kiss from her wife while she still could.  
  
  
“Let’s make a baby.”


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_**Chapter One** _  


* * *

**Present Day**

  
“You’re gonna be a Momma again.”  
  
  
Tara watched as over a couple of seconds Willow went from surprised to amazed to actually leaping up in the air with joy.  
  
  
“Wait…what? You’re—you’re pregnant?” she asked in disbelief, though thankfully for their neighbors, not loudly, “They said it could be next week before the blood test was processed!”  
  
  
Tara could barely contain her glee at finally being able to share this news.  
  
  
“I felt different, so I took a test.”  
  
  
Willow’s glee, however, suddenly faltered.  
  
  
“Oh…honey…they told us not to take those tests. They can give false positives.”  
  
  
“Which is why I called the clinic and spoke to the nurse and she confirmed it,” Tara quickly replied, “Dr. Wells asked for it to be rushed.”  
  
  
Willow was back to being stunned.  
  
  
“Are you serious?”  
  
  
Tara nodded with utter delight.  
  
  
“I think I made her feel so bad that she called in a favor but yes, they put a rush on it and got the results back just before the close of business and it’s official,” she answered, tears forming in her eyes, “I’m pregnant.”  
  
  
Willow went red right to the roots of her hair, then suddenly picked Tara up and started spinning her around jubilantly. Never to be outdone by her own clumsiness, she tripped over a twig and sent them both flying, but to a soft landing on the blanket and pillows laid out for them.  
  
  
She immediately made a grab for Tara, hands running over her front and landing on her stomach.  
  
  
“Oh, oh, oh! Are you okay, is the baby okay?”  
  
  
Tara covered Willow’s hand on her belly and gently brushed their fingers.  
  
  
“I’m more than okay. But you probably shouldn’t do that again.”  
  
  
Willow met Tara’s eyes and immediately felt a lump rise in her throat.  
  
  
“Tara.”  
  
  
Tara lifted her hand and pressed her palm to Willow’s cheek.  
  
  
“We’re having a baby, baby.”  
  
  
“We’re having a baby, baby,” Willow replied giddily, “I knew we would.”  
  
  
Tara’s gaze dropped.  
  
  
“I didn’t.”  
  
  
Willow felt the pain hiding behind Tara’s eyes. It had been a long road, in days and emotions.  
  
  
“I didn’t think we’d get here,” Tara continued, eyes closing and reopening with fresh tears.  
  
  
Willow brushed away Tara’s tears.  
  
  
“I know. I know. But we’re here now. We made it.”  
  
  
Tara nodded as if to assert the feelings to herself and not just Willow.  
  
  
“We made it. But when I think of where we started…”  
  
  
Willow leaned in and kissed Tara’s lips on the blanket.  
  
  
“I’m sorry I was so reluctant at first,” she said apologetically as she moved her hand so her palm covered Tara’s belly, “I couldn’t be happier.”  
  
  
Tara enjoyed the press of her silk top under the pressure of Willow’s hand and leaned in to give her a kiss.  
  
  
She let her lips envelope Willow’s softly for a few moments before taking the hand on her stomach and tugging it.  
  
  
“Let’s go eat, I’m starving.”  
  
  
Willow grinned as they helped each other up.  
  
  
“Wait ‘til your third trimester. Remember the 3 am Butterfinger and cotton candy yogurt dashes to the store?”  
  
  
“Fondly,” Tara replied with a crooked smile as she pulled out the chair for Willow and imitated her, “‘No spoon—just chocolate.’ Apparently, you weren’t craving complete sentences.”  
  
  
Willow couldn’t quite give up her hold on Tara’s other hand.  
  
  
“I’ll be that soldier now,” she replied, reaching up to stroke Tara’s cheek with her finger, “Can’t wait. You can just grunt words if you want; I understand Tara-grunts.”  
  
  
Tara turned her head to kiss Willow’s palm, giving her a coquettish smile.  
  
  
“You understand them well.”  
  
  
Willow blushed but didn’t avert her gaze. She tapped Tara’s jawline and leaned in to kiss her softly.  
  
  
“Let me serve you up,” Tara said when they parted.  
  
  
“Okay,” Willow agreed, then slid her hand into her pocket for her phone, “I’m gonna call the kids real quick to say goodnight.”  
  
  
“Let me say goodnight at the end,” Tara requested as she walked in through the sliding door.  
  
  
She made up two plates and brought them out to Willow, who was smiling on the phone.  
  
  
“Wow, three bites of broccoli? Sounds like Robbie will do anything for some of Grandma’s banana bread.”  
  
  
Tara motioned for her to put it on speaker and their daughter’s bright voice crackled through moments later.  
  
  
“‘nana bwead!” Robyn shouted happily, then there was muffled sound before she spoke again, “Ganpy say nigh’ nigh’.”  
  
  
“Okay, put your brother on the phone,” Willow asked, inhaling the steam from the plate as Tara set it down and looking at her with a watering mouth and hungry eyes.  
  
  
“This looks great,” she whispered, covering the speaker on the phone for a moment and leaned over to peck Tara’s cheek while Robyn’s retreating voice could be heard shouting ‘Jay-Jay’.  
  
  
“Hello?” JJ appeared a moment later.  
  
  
“Hey buddy,” Willow greeted their son, “Just calling to say goodnight.”  
  
  
“Hello sweetie,” Tara added warmly, “Are you having a nice night with your grandparents?”  
  
  
“Yeah, Grandma made banana bread and Gramps gave me one of his old baseball cards!” JJ gushed, and Tara could picture him rocking excitedly between his toes and heels the exact same way Willow did when she was excited, “Baseball’s not as cool as basketball but he gave me Mickey Mantle. He’s so cool, he was a Yankee and he hit the most home runs in the World Series!”  
  
  
“That’s amazing,” Willow replied, showing appropriate enthusiasm as she hid her dread at the thoughts of having to watch more sports on TV if JJ really got into baseball as much as he did basketball.  
  
  
He already commandeered the television for every game he could read on the planner and had a few special games recorded to re-watch regularly.  
  
  
“Make sure you thank your Grandpa,” Tara encouraged, “And help with your sister in the morning if she gets upset, you know how to calm her down.”  
  
  
“Yes, Mom,” JJ said flatly, “I gotta go, Gramps said I could stay up to see the Knicks play the Bulls!”  
  
  
“Okay, bye—” Willow started, but the line went dead before she could finish, “Kids.”  
  
  
“When did I stop being ‘Mommy’ and start being ‘Mommmmm’?” Tara asked with a sigh.  
  
  
“All these teams, I just about recognize ‘Yankees’,” Willow replied, scratching her head, “He has a game tomorrow, right?”  
  
  
Tara picked up her fork to indicate they could start eating.  
  
  
“Yes, we’re collecting Alex at 11 but we’re not allowed cheer when he scores a basket.”  
  
  
“Oh, well aren’t we lucky he’s deigned us cool enough to drive him,” Willow said with an affectionate roll of her eye, “7 going on 17.”  
  
  
She picked up a piece of chicken on her fork and totally relaxed back into the chair as the flavors ran along her tongue.  
  
  
“This is amazing,” she said, dabbing her mouth and leaning over to kiss Tara yet again in a kiss she couldn’t resist, “This whole night is amazing. I’m gonna be a Momma again! That part wasn’t a dream?”  
  
  
Tara put her finger delicately against her lips and Willow quickly nodded.  
  
  
“Right, just our secret for now,” she said dutifully, but her grin gave her away moments later, “But I’m so excited, I want to scream it! Baby, baby, baby!”  
  
  
She dropped to her knees and lifted Tara’s shirt to repeatedly kiss her stomach and Tara threw her head back with joyful laughter. It was the climax of all of the tension it had taken to get there and she could hardly deny her wife in reaping all the elation she could.  
  
  
She reached down and cupped Willow’s cheek, tilting her head up so their gazes met.  
  
  
“I have your baby inside me.”  
  
  
She leaned down and kissed Willow’s lips once, softly.  
  
  
“Thank you for giving me a baby.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth to reply but was just speechless, so kissed Tara instead.  
  
  
After a moment, Willow slid back into her seat, keeping one hand linked tightly with Tara’s and they finished their slightly cold, but much enjoyed dinner.  
  
  
Tara had almost completely cleaned up already, so Willow insisted on finishing and sent Tara upstairs to relax.  
  
  
Tara went up to the bedroom but didn’t run a bath in their bathroom, as suggested. She snuck the chocolate strawberries and one glass of wine up, leaving both on Willow’s nightstand.  
  
  
She then dug out their candle stash, creating a triangle perfectly engulfing the bed by placing one on each nightstand and directly opposite on the dresser. She debated whether to undress or leave herself to be undressed but decided to slip into some of her lingerie, taking advantage of still being able to fit into it.  
  
  
She smoothed the appropriately-baby-blue baby doll down her front, sent a smile stomach-ward and a little pat for the next Rosenberg-Maclay she was honored to carry.  
  
  
She put some music on, a treat in itself as they were always too worried about waking the kids. She still put it low — she didn’t want it to be louder than the moans they muffled into each other. She could still hear rustling downstairs, so she popped into the bathroom to brush her teeth before finally angling herself on the bed on her side with her knee bent evocatively.  
  
  
A few minutes later, she heard the sound of locking up and light switches being flicked, then finally steps on the stairs and the kiddie gate opening and closing.  
  
  
Willow came into the bedroom with a magazine in her hand, which promptly dropped straight to the floor when she came through the door.  
  
  
“Whoa.”  
  
  
Tara patted the bed invitingly.  
  
  
“It’s lonely in here.”  
  
  
Willow’s body was pulled to the bed like a magnet, or at least that’s what she assumed happened as she had no memory of actually walking over there.  
  
  
She crawled into the bed and lay beside Tara; faces close enough to share breath.  
  
  
Tara’s smile slid up on one side and she reached over Willow to pluck one of the strawberries from the plate. She pressed it to Willow’s lips, who nibbled on it without her eyes ever leaving Tara’s.  
  
  
Tara rolled the strawberry around Willow’s lips, then took it back and bit it herself. With its juices still on her lips she kissed Willow, soft and assured.  
  
  
“We’ve been in a cycle of hormones and procedures and disappointments…of not being able to have sex when we want to have sex and not wanting to have sex when we were able…” she breathed into Willow’s mouth, “Now I just want to consume you.”  
  
  
Willow felt the air pulled from her lungs at the way Tara evocatively whispered the last two words.  
  
  
“I, I can be consumed,” she stammered, bottom lip quaking and chapped, “I’m very consumable. ‘Most consumable’, that’s what they voted me in high school, after ‘most likely to never stop being a dork’ but I’m pretty sure that was an unsanctioned superlat—Oh!”  
  
  
Tara kissed Willow’s throat and Willow's eyes rolled back into her head. It was such a simple touch but Tara did it _just so_.  
  
  
Another little kiss was left right in the hollow as Willow swallowed and this time, Willow moaned. Tara lifted her mouth and was about to plant it right on Willow’s, she suddenly felt a roll of nausea. She’d actually been experiencing it on and off over the last couple of days, but she’d put it down to the stress and anxiety of the wait. It had never come on quite so strongly before though.  
  
  
Her nose twitched and she felt that tumble in her belly. She could feel where the scent was coming from now it now; the yellow candle flickering behind Willow. She could certainly smell it. And her stomach was going into revolt over it.  
  
  
Without much of a chance to say anything to Willow, she tumbled out of bed and made a beeline for the bathroom so she could relief her stomach of its nausea.  
  
  
Willow wasn’t far behind, on her knees to hold Tara’s hair back.  
  
  
“Oh, babe. You’re really getting it hard to get morning sickness this early. It’s okay, I’ve got you. Willow’s got you.”  
  
  
It didn’t take too long for Tara to feel better again, but as she flushed and wiped her mouth with some tissue paper, she looked to Willow with a pained expression.  
  
  
“That was not what I had intended when I put this outfit on.”  
  
  
Willow ran her hand down Tara’s hair and fell off to gently rub her stomach.  
  
  
“Well I still enjoyed the outfit a whole lot.”  
  
  
Tara grinned and Willow kissed her cheek.  
  
  
“Do you need a shower or anything?”  
  
  
“Wouldn’t mind some of those jets,” Tara replied with a wry smile.  
  
  
Willow held Tara around the waist and put her chin on Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“You’re not cheating on me with Mr. Shower Head.”  
  
  
“It’s 'Mrs.',” Tara retorted.  
  
  
“A married showerhead,” Willow replied with a clicking tongue, “Have you no shame?”  
  
  
Tara raised an eyebrow suggestively.  
  
  
“Let’s just say her surname is ‘head’ for a reason.”  
  
  
Willow smirked and brushed some hair away from the nape of Tara’s neck to kiss there.  
  
  
“Vixen.”  
  
  
She nuzzled her nose into the spot where Tara’s neck met her shoulder then helped her stand up.  
  
  
“I just need a minute,” Tara said as she settled back into standing position.  
  
  
“Of course,” Willow nodded and returned to the bedroom.  
  
  
She quickly blew out the candles and opened a window to help air the place out a bit.  
  
  
She laid back in bed and finished the last mouthful of wine and the second chocolate strawberry so it wouldn’t go bad — she was environmentally conscious that way.  
  
  
Tara returned after a couple of minutes with mint on her breath and got back into bed without changing, a development Willow was pleased by.  
  
  
She leaned in for a kiss and Tara was happy to comply.  
  
  
When they popped apart, Tara happily started to wiggle downward.  
  
  
“I need some jelly belly.”  
  
  
‘Jelly Belly’ was what Tara affectionately called Willow’s post-pregnancy stomach that never smoothed out again despite her losing most of the baby weight.  
  
  
Willow had been self-conscious about her stomach and after expressing it to her wife, Tara had said ‘I love your jelly belly’.  
  
  
Willow had been a bit hurt at first, but it was said with so much sincerity, followed with so much sincere affection, that she realized it was a lot better for Tara to extend love to something Willow saw as an imperfection than if Tara had just told her she looked the same and not to worry about it falsely.  
  
  
So she embraced her jelly belly and had come to love the attention it got.  
  
  
“We’ll both have jelly bellies soon,” she replied and smiled when she realized she quite liked the idea of kissing Tara’s jiggling stomach too.  
  
  
“If I stay as sexy as you I have nothing to worry about,” Tara replied, kissing Willow’s faded stretch marks, “I love this belly. It looked after our baby so well.”  
  
  
Willow closed her eyes for a moment to blink away tears. She knew Tara meant that, and that meant everything. She was looking forward to getting to fall in love with Tara’s changing body too.  
  
  
Tara kissed back up Willow’s body, undoing the buttons on her blouse on the way but paused back at Willow’s neck.  
  
  
“I don’t think I’m up for much more tonight. I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
Willow held Tara with a hand either side of her neck.  
  
  
“You have no reason to be sorry.”  
  
  
She pulled her in for another kiss but again, Tara had to make a dash off the bed.  
  
  
“I gotta pee, I gotta pee.”  
  
  
“Yep, get used to that too!” Willow called after her.  
  
  
Tara ran into their bathroom, then called out in relief moments later.  
  
  
“I’m so glad we built on the bathroom.”  
  
  
“Yeah, no kidding,” Willow replied, lying lazily back in bed, “You know we’ll have three teenagers one day. They’ll outnumber us!”  
  
  
It was getting chilly so Willow got up to close the window again now that the scented smell had left the room. While up she set the music to play out the last song and turn itself off.  
  
  
The toilet flushed and Tara came out of the bathroom a moment later.  
  
  
“JJ will be 21 by the time this one is 13.”  
  
  
Willow looked at her in horror.  
  
  
“Don’t say horrible things like that. He’ll be my little boy forever.”  
  
  
Tara came over and kissed Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
“Of course he will.”  
  
  
She went back to bed and Willow went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she was brushing, she sat to use the facilities and noticed the pregnancy test sitting in the trash.  
  
  
Making sure not to use her brushing hand, she picked it up by the ‘safe’ end and smiled at the two pink lines. It made her feel fuzzy inside and she wondered how she could have ever thought this was a bad idea.  
  
  
She finished up in the bathroom, then walked back into the room and waved the test around.  
  
  
“Would it be weird to keep this?”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara nodded quickly, “I peed on it.”  
  
  
Willow sighed.  
  
  
“Yeah, alright.”  
  
  
She went back to the bathroom, put the test back in the trash and washed her hands again. She returned to bed and placed her hand on Tara’s stomach.  
  
  
“You said you felt it. I felt it too when it was me. Like a little warm worm wiggling in my belly.”  
  
  
Tara covered Willow’s hand and brushed their fingers together.  
  
  
“I know it’s silly but I felt it…as soon as it went in. I knew it felt different from the other times.”  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“You seemed different. When we went into that last appointment you were…well, I’m sure you remember how you felt. So distraught. But you seemed hopeful again coming out,” she explained, “You weren’t as…crazy nervous. Or stressed. Or so heartbroken.”  
  
  
She looked up at her wife and offered a sheepish smile.  
  
  
“And well, you um, had sex with me. I couldn’t return obviously but you were insistent so I knew you weren’t just being nice. You had that coy smile on your face…I dunno, it just wasn’t a side I’d seen in a while.”  
  
  
Tara put her arm around Willow and held her close.  
  
  
“I haven’t been the easiest person to live with the last few months.”  
  
  
“You haven’t had the easiest time the last few months, you mean,” Willow corrected, then smiled, “But this is it, now. That road has ended and we have a whole new start.”  
  
  
“One that’s been a long time coming,” Tara replied with a long exhale, “Maybe not in years…but in emotion.”  
  
  
“I know it’s been torturous. For you especially,” Willow said, then patted Tara’s stomach, “And I’ve found it tough too. Seeing you go through it and work being a bit of a nightmare with things piling up during appointments. But it was worth it.”  
  
  
Tara nodded surely.  
  
  
“Worth every last agonizing second for what’s going on inside me right now.”  
  
  
“And worth every agonizing pregnancy symptom you’re going to endure,” Willow reassured, “At least now I’ll actually catch up with work when I help you through them. I can work on my laptop with one hand and hold your hand with the other!”  
  
  
“I think I’ve started with the sensitive boobs thing too…” Tara replied, cupping one of her own breasts, “You touched my nipples while we were kissing and you could have been touching me much lower.”  
  
  
Willow circled the air above Tara’s nipple, not actually making contact.  
  
  
“We’re going to have to wrap them up in some kind of resistance tape.”  
  
  
“The rough stuff?” Tara asked with an arched eyebrow, “I like a little spanking every now and then but I don’t think I’m into getting tape pulled off my nipples. Especially now.”  
  
  
“No, resistance— So I can resist temptation,” Willow clarified, and laughed at the look on her wife’s face, “Hey I’m going to be a mom of three, I get to make jokes like that.”  
  
  
She paused and her face broke out in a serene smile.  
  
  
“Wow. Three.”  
  
  
“Three little loves,” Tara confirmed softly.  
  
  
Willow leaned in and kissed her wife’s lips again.  
  
  
“I love you, Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay.”  
  
  
Tara returned the kiss.  
  
  
“I love you too, Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay.”  
  
  
They nuzzled noses as their legs tangled together and both glanced down at the same time; both appreciating the space they had between their stomachs and looking forward to the day when it would be impossible.  
  
  
Their gazes met with a smile and Tara settled her head under Willow’s chin and snuggled in close.  
  
  
“Goodnight, love.”  
  
  
Willow brushed her hand along Tara’s spine soothingly, then over her stomach for a last feel of the new life growing beneath.  
  
  
“Goodnight loves.”


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

_**Chapter Two** _   


* * *

It was a brisk but clear spring morning that Tara found herself waking to her first full day of being knowingly pregnant.  
  
  
‘Knowingly’, she thought to herself, was a funny word, because she had known – deep inside of her – that this time it had actually worked right from the get-go. For someone who had been ready to give up and move on from this dream, she had actually felt the warmth spread throughout her body as the embryo had been released into her uterus.  
  
  
She hadn’t wanted to get her hopes up; the previous months had taught her how soul-crushing that could be. But every day had felt like a build-up to a birthday, or wedding, or vacation. A sure event. She just had to wait and she’d be rewarded.  
  
  
Buying the pregnancy test had made her hands shake, both with the anticipation and the fear that she was somehow tempting fate. The cashier, probably used to seeing women in a similar state with such a purchase, had offered a kind smile and a coupon for a bottle of Gatorade to help along the process of finding out.  
  
  
Tara had taken it but saved the drink for JJ to have after his basketball practice that afternoon.  
  
  
She had cleared her morning but as soon as she had gotten a chance to go home and carry out the test, work rang with an urgent case that needed tending to.  
  
  
She hesitated but ultimately had to leave it on the side of the sink to run off and get back into the car and drive to the situation where she was needed. She made a brief call to the clinic on the way to see if they could tell her anything but was left disappointed yet again when nothing was back.  
  
  
Her afternoon consisted of some of her never-ending stream of paperwork, collecting JJ and dropping him to basketball and then bringing Robyn to toddler swim before loading them both back home.  
  
  
After settling Robyn in her playpen and getting JJ a snack, Tara had finally had a moment to herself.  
  
  
“Jake, keep an eye on your sister for me, okay?”  
  
  
“Okay Mom,” JJ had answered, shoving peanut butter topped Ritz crackers into his mouth with one hand while the other held a pencil, steadily working out his math homework.  
  
  
Tara ascended the stairs without displaying any of the anxiety she was feeling inside, and through their bedroom to the shiny new bathroom where she’d left the oblong indicator of her future.  
  
  
She stood a foot away, staring at the piece of plastic. Her hands had started to shake now and she was waiting for them to stop. When it became clear that wasn’t going to happen, she just snatched the test up and turned it toward her.  
  
  
The two pink lines stared back at her like flashing lights at the end of a very dark tunnel. She shook her head to clear her vision, sure it was a mirage of sorts; her desires tricking her brain into seeing what she wanted to see.  
  
  
As she was still trying to work out whether she was double-versioned or single-minded, her cell phone buzzed in her front pocket.  
  
  
Having the job she had and two kids to keep track of, she always answered, no matter what, so one hand slid down to take the phone out automatically.  
  
  
“Hello?” she answered absent-mindedly.  
  
  
She listened to the other side for a minute and dropped the test in shock. She stood there in stunned silence for a moment before gathering herself together.  
  
  
“Yes, yes, I’m here. Thank you for confirming. Thank you. Bye.”  
  
  
She hung up, blinked several times, then finally allowed a huge, all-encompassing smile to break out on her face.  
  
  
She stopped short of jumping up and down, though she wanted to, and quickly disposed of the test. She washed her hands before making her way back downstairs.  
  
  
“Kids…do you want to spend the night at Grandpa’s?”  
  
  
The kids had jumped at the chance, because they got away with a lot more at their grandparents, and Michelle and Ira had been ever-obliging when Tara had called to see if it was okay.  
  
  
It hadn’t taken much to organize a night in for herself and Willow and it had been worth holding off calling her and screaming the news when she got to see the look on her wife’s face as she told her.  
  
  
Back in the present on her first full day of knowing, Tara looked over at her wife’s sleeping face — in a rare moment free of snores or drool, though her mouth was slightly open. Tara reached over and gently closed it, then tickled Willow’s cheek.  
  
  
Willow snorted and rolled over. Tara just smiled and moved her hand to caress her belly.  
  
  
“You have the best Momma, little one. But I hope you don’t inherit her sleeping habits.”  
  
  
She patted the spot above her bellybutton and swung her legs out of bed. She immediately felt woozy, something she’d noticed the past few days but had put down to not being able to stomach much to eat from her nerves. This time, at least, she didn’t have to make a dash for the bathroom.  
  
  
“Whoa. Guess I have to get used to that now.”  
  
  
She stood a bit slower and made sure she was steady on her feet before padding across the room to their bathroom. The warmth of spring meant it was a much more pleasant journey than it had been during the winter months, but Tara still appreciated the under-floor heating beneath her feet when she stepped into the bathroom.  
  
  
She went through a brief morning routine; brushing her teeth, cleaning her face, popping her prenatal vitamin.  
  
  
She smiled as it slid down her throat.  
  
  
_That’s for you, baby. All you need to do is keep on growing._  
  
  
She looked at herself in the mirror and though she couldn’t identify a traditional ‘glow’ —  
in fact, she looked quite tired still — one thing was obvious:  
  
  
She was happy.  
  
  
The months of trying had been hard on her — she had no idea how people went through it for years — but now her face could barely contain her smile. She looked away, bashful even of her own reflection and loosely tied her hair up in a ponytail to keep it out of her face.  
  
  
She got dressed quickly and silently, so as not to wake Willow. She picked a pair of flats and carried them downstairs so she wouldn’t make noise on the stairs. Her tummy rumbled with hunger, so she grabbed a banana while she put the coffee pot on but her stomach put a stop to it mid-peel.  
  
  
She'd spoken, or thought, too soon about making a dash for the bathroom.  
  
  
That was the same smell she’d gotten last night before her stomach contents had been upchucked. Why on earth did they have a banana scented candle? It was her own fault for getting sucked in with multipacks.  
  
  
Quickly dropping the banana again, she was able to avoid anything more than a passing few seconds of queasiness and opted instead to get some granola and yogurt.  
  
  
She leaned back against the counter and the smell of the brewing coffee wafted up into her nose. It smelled rich and earthy and she knew she would miss her regular cup of Joe; but since she tended to have it so caffeine-dense it could wake Sleeping Beauty from slumber, it had been a reduced treat since they started trying again. And one she was cutting out completely now.  
  
  
_Anything for you, baby._  
  
  
Her hand pressed against her stomach again and she thought by the end of her tenure she might just be left with a permanent imprint, and that wasn’t even accounting for Willow touching her.  
  
  
_You are so loved._  
  
  
She took another moment to herself to internalize the feeling of wanting to dance and skip with joy.  
  
  
When she’d calmed herself down, she glanced out to the back yard and considered donning her gardening gloves, but didn’t much feel like crawling around on her knees today. She checked her watch and decided it was time to relieve Ira and Michelle anyway.  
  
  
It was a nice day, so she walked the few blocks to her aunt and father-in-law’s house; hearing her children before seeing them. When she turned the corner she finally saw the mouths where all of the laughter was coming from.  
  
  
Michelle was sitting on a sun lounger, accepting imaginary cups of tea from Robyn who was sitting by her on a blanket with her tea set and various other kitchen toys.  
  
  
Ira was sitting in a garden chair, helping JJ shoot layups in the net hanging off the garage door, by tossing the ball back and forth between shots.  
  
  
“Good boy, perfect underhand,” Ira praised as the basketball sank through the net and bounced back to JJ.  
  
  
“Nice shot Jakey,” Tara commended as she stepped onto the corner of the grass.  
  
  
“Thanks, Mom!” JJ replied with a smile over his shoulder, “Hi, Mom!”  
  
  
Tara wiggled her fingers in a greeting but before Ira and Michelle could say hello to her, or she to them, a Robyn-sized rocket launched itself at her leg.  
  
  
“Mommmmm-eeeeeeeee!”  
  
  
Tara looked down at the mop of unkempt strawberry-blonde hair, which she knew was unbrushed. Not through any lack of trying on the grandparents’ part, but her daughter’s flat out refusal to stay still long enough.  
  
  
Robyn reached for Tara’s hand and used all her little baby strength to try and drag Tara away, pointing animatedly to her set-up.  
  
  
“Tee fuh gamma!”  
  
  
“I’m coming,” Tara replied, smiling in greeting to Michelle, “I’ll come and see grandma.”  
  
  
Robyn turned back sternly, thinking she’d been misunderstood.  
  
  
“Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Mom-mee, teeeeeeee!”  
  
  
“Tea, I will come and have tea,” Tara reassured as she sat at the end of Michelle’s lounger.  
  
  
Robyn looked over in Ira’s direction.  
  
  
“An’ Ganpy.”  
  
  
“I would love a cup, princess, would you bring me some?” Ira asked lovingly.  
  
  
Robyn carefully poured a cup of imaginary tea and toddled over to Ira. Ira made a show of enjoying it with a pinky up, much to Robyn’s delight.  
  
  
Tara smiled at them.  
  
  
“They love it here. Thanks so much for taking them on such short notice.”  
  
  
“Oh we love to have them,” Michelle replied affectionately, “JJ is a great help with Robyn, knows how to settle her down and what her garbled requests mean. I know Ira is very proud of the boy, as am I.”  
  
  
“He’s a great big brother,” Tara replied, fighting hard to resist the urge to touch her belly, “But really, thank you. You’ve helped us out a lot the past few months.”  
  
  
Michelle reached over and patted Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“That’s what family is for. I’m glad you and Willow had a night to yourselves. You’ve seemed like you needed it.”  
  
  
Tara picked up the implication; her stress had been obvious, even if the reason was unknown.  
  
  
“We’ve had a crazy few months with the renovations and Robyn tumbling headfirst into toddlerdom,” she covered, for once glad that their chaotic life gave her an excuse, “But we really appreciate it.”  
  
  
They chatted for a few minutes until Tara checked the time and knew Michelle would be leaving soon for her regular weekend hair appointment.  
  
  
“Okay kids, get your things, we’re going home.”  
  
  
JJ caught his basketball and held it under his arm.  
  
  
“Gramps, will you come to my game today?”  
  
  
“Grandpa probably has other plans, honey,” Tara said gently.  
  
  
Instead, Ira seemed quite pleased to be asked.  
  
  
“I’d quite like to if it’s okay. I was always more of a baseball man but Jacob has been filling me in on the finer points of the game.”  
  
  
Tara shrugged with a smile.  
  
  
“Lafayette Park at 12, right Jake?”  
  
  
JJ nodded eagerly.  
  
  
“Uh-huh!”  
  
  
“I’ll see you there,” Ira promised, holding his hand up to his grandson’s direction.  
  
  
“Yeah!” JJ replied triumphantly, accepting the high five, “Let’s go! I wanna put my Knicks jersey on!”  
  
  
Robyn’s face slowly crumpled.  
  
  
“Goh-ho?”  
  
  
With her milliseconds away from bursting into tears at the prospect of leaving her grandparents, JJ kneeled down beside her and held her little hand in his proportionately giant one.  
  
  
“It’s okay. We’ll go see Momma.”  
  
  
The crease in Robyn’s forehead smoothed out and her turned-down lips quirked up into a crooked smile reminiscent of one particular mother.  
  
  
“Mom-mah?”  
  
  
Tara picked Robyn up and held her in a close, comforting hug hold.  
  
  
“Let’s go see Momma,” she said soothingly, “Say bye-bye.”  
  
  
Robyn started waving wildly with both hands.  
  
  
“Buh-boy Ganpy, buh-boy gamma!”  
  
  
She was passed over to give them hugs while Tara tidied Robyn’s toys and grabbed her overnight bag sitting inside the door. JJ ran past her to get his things from his room.  
  
  
“Here, Tara, take some banana bread,” Michelle offered, walking out from the kitchen with some.  
  
  
“Ooh, I’m not sure—” Tara started to reply and back away but to her surprise, the nutty and molasses-y scent overpowered the bananas nicely.  
  
  
She actually felt an overwhelming desire to shove it all on her mouth. She all but snatched it from Michelle’s hands and tore a chunk off to do just that. As she was swallowing, she realized Michelle was looking at her oddly.  
  
  
She blushed and wrapped the rest back up.  
  
  
“Could you send me the recipe?”  
  
  
“Sure…” Michelle replied evenly, but still looked confused because she’d been making her banana bread for years and Tara had never asked before.  
  
  
Luckily for Tara, JJ saved any more probing by bounding back down the stairs and flinging himself at Michelle’s legs.  
  
  
“Bye Grandma, thanks!” he said before flying off like a tornado to find Ira and do the same.  
  
  
Tara said her goodbyes and they set off home. JJ waxed on about the game Ira had let him stay up late to watch and Robyn garbling on about nothing, refusing to leave Tara’s arms so she could reach up and let her fingers run through the leaves on the trees that decorated the path home.  
  
  
Tara used her expertly trained mom ears to retain the information going in either side and responded in kind where appropriate.  
  
  
When they got home, Tara could hear rustling in the kitchen and knew her wife was up. JJ made a beeline for the stairs to jump the baby gate and run up to his room. Tara caught the back of his t-shirt and gently patted him toward the kitchen first.  
  
  
“Go say good morning to your Momma please.”  
  
  
JJ didn’t object and slid back off the handrail and straight into the kitchen.  
  
  
“Good morning Momma!”  
  
  
Tara followed behind him and Robyn squealed, reaching out for Willow to take her.  
  
  
“Come here lil’ bean,” Willow cooed, kissing her daughter’s cheek as she took her in her arms and added pointedly, “Because Mommy shouldn’t be carrying you anyway.”  
  
  
Tara leaned in and pecked Willow’s lips in greeting.  
  
  
“Now, now, my love, remember when the roles were reversed and how much you hated the _fussing_.”  
  
  
“Well now I approve of the fussing,” Willow replied, haughtily turning her nose up, “It’s an essential tool; nay, a right bestowed upon a spouse in such a situation.”  
  
  
“Why can’t you carry Robyn, Mom?” JJ interjected, then stood up on his toes to see what Willow was sizzling in the pan, “Is that French toast?”  
  
  
“It sure is, you want some?” Willow asked.  
  
  
JJ’s eyes were wide as saucers as he nodded. He hooked himself up onto a stool at the island and sat with his chin in his upturned hands.  
  
  
“Why can’t you hold Robyn?”  
  
  
“I’m all old and creaky,” Tara replied conspiringly, and glanced sideways at Willow, “But I don’t think your baby sister will do much damage.”  
  
  
JJ accepted that easily.  
  
  
Tara started to get down plates and cups, while Willow flipped the French toast in one hand whilst holding Robyn on her hip with the other.  
  
  
Robyn rested her head on her Momma’s shoulder and poked at her cheek, which Willow mostly ignored until her daughter took a finger and shoved it up Willow’s nose, nearly braining her in the process.  
  
  
Robyn tugged the finger back out, with a parting gift attached, making her giggle.  
  
  
“Booger, Mom-mah.”  
  
  
JJ snickered and Willow expelled the air from her nose to get the feeling of intrusion out. She quickly grabbed Robyn’s hand before the contents on her finger made its way into her mouth.  
  
  
“Robbie, don’t do that,” she said as she washed her daughter’s hand, “We don’t stick our fingers in other people’s noses.”  
  
  
“Or our own,” Tara added as she passed by to get silverware.  
  
  
“Yes, or our own,” Willow amended, though not without a slightly guilty look on her face, “Jake, wash your hands too please.”  
  
  
“I didn’t stick my finger in my nose!” JJ protested.  
  
  
“You’re about to eat,” Willow insisted, “Come here and use the soap.”  
  
  
JJ grumpily marched over and washed his hands.  
  
  
Tara took over the skillet and Willow brought the children into the dining room with a jug of orange juice and a bottle of maple syrup. Willow tied Robyn into her booster seat and got her some cut-up grapes to snack on and keep her quiet.  
  
  
“Do we have any strawberries?” JJ asked as he played with his knife and fork.  
  
  
Tara appeared with a plate for JJ and a smaller, plastic plate for Robyn, her portion already cut up in bite-size pieces.  
  
  
“I’ll cut some up for you, sweetie.”  
  
  
“Can I be part of that ‘sweetie’ too?” Willow asked hopefully.  
  
  
Tara kissed Willow’s hair part as she passed.  
  
  
“Always.”  
  
  
She returned minutes later with a bowl of berries and hers and Willow’s breakfast.  
  
  
Willow stood and took the plates, placing them down before pulling the chair out right beside her.  
  
  
“I’m a doofus,” she whispered behind Tara’s ear, “I should be doing the taking-care-of.”  
  
  
“We always have been, and always will be, a team,” Tara replied as she scooted herself in and tapped her cheek for Willow to kiss, who dutifully obliged.  
  
  
“Wah-bewwies,” Robyn requested with her mouth stuffed.  
  
  
“What’s the magic word?” Willow asked as she gathered some strawberries on a spoon, “Without a full mouth, this time.”  
  
  
“Peeze,” Robyn added on when she swallowed, but immediately began sucking on a half a strawberry as it landed on her plate.  
  
  
Willow put some fruit on hers and Tara’s plate and put the bowl in front of JJ to serve himself.  
  
  
“Did you guys have a nice night at Grandpa’s?” she asked as she poured a little syrup over her breakfast.  
  
  
Willow received the same babbling crosstalk Tara had endured on the walk home and just nodded and ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’  
where appropriate until she could actually discern what was being said.  
  
  
“Can we stay there every weekend?” JJ asked as he struggled to maintain decorum and not shove his food into his face.  
  
  
“Gee, thanks,” Willow replied, oddly struggling with the same test of willpower her son was enduring, “You get to stay up late and have some ice-cream and suddenly we’re forgotten about?”  
  
  
JJ shrugged.  
  
  
“Grandpa talks to me about basketball.”  
  
  
Willow laughed.  
  
  
“Grandpa knows as much about basketball as I do!”  
  
  
JJ popped the last square of French toast into his mouth and chewed as he pushed his plate away.  
  
  
“Yeah but he listens when I talk about it,” he said, then pushed back the chair and stood, “Can I go get ready?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Yes, just put your plate in the sink please.”  
  
  
JJ took his plate and left the dining room while Willow pushed her food around.  
  
  
“Ouch.”  
  
  
Tara put a comforting hand on her back and waited a moment to speak.  
  
  
“…we do our best.”  
  
  
Willow’s face pursed like she’d been slapped.  
  
  
“He’s flip-flopped on a lot of sports over the last couple of years.”  
  
  
“I know, but this is a bit different,” Tara advised gently, “It’s a real league that he goes to every week and has a game every second Saturday. Plus, if you haven’t noticed, he’s totally obsessed.”  
  
  
Willow felt the guilt settle in her stomach.  
  
  
“I’ll give the wiki page a good read,” she said meekly.  
  
  
“And we can cheer him on this afternoon. Well, quietly,” Tara replied cheerily and reached over to tickle Robyn’s cheek, “You wanna go watch JJ play basketball?”  
  
  
“BeeBee JayJay!” Robyn squealed excitedly, mulching a strawberry through her fingers.  
  
  
Tara stood up and lifted Robyn out of her chair. Willow was still finishing her food.  
  
  
“I hate that he thinks I don’t care. I do.”  
  
  
“I know,” Tara reassured softly, “And he doesn’t think that. We’ll both just try and be more attentive and it will be fine.”  
  
  
Willow nodded, then looked at Tara helplessly.  
  
  
“There’s no way I’m going to get you not to lift her, is there?”  
  
  
“I pick her up and drop her off from daycare and take care of her every afternoon alone. How do you propose I do that without lifting her?” Tara asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
  
“Robot?” Willow suggested, but only Robyn laughed, “Thanks, kid.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head to herself and brought Robyn back into the kitchen to clean her hands again, then to put her in her playpen with her toys so she could get a few things ready.  
  
  
She went into the kitchen, where Willow had cleared the rest of the plates and was wiping down the counters, including disposing of Tara’s half-peeled banana from earlier.  
  
  
“These kids just leave their crap everywhere…think we can teach the new one some manners?”  
  
  
“Um…actually, that was me,” Tara admitted with a blush, “Sorry. Baby does not like the smell of bananas, apparently. Unless it's banana bread, then apparently they can't have it fast enough.”  
  
  
Willow tossed the two halves in the trash.  
  
  
“No bananas unless baked! Bananas be gone! Got it! Don’t worry, the Rosenberg brain is a trap of memory!”  
  
  
Tara walked over and tapped Willow’s head.  
  
  
“Rosenberg-Maclay.”  
  
  
Willow leaned in and nuzzled Tara’s nose.  
  
  
“Your name only enhances it, just like you enhance everything else. You are the chocolate sauce of people.”  
  
  
She popped a kiss on Tara’s lips.  
  
  
“I better go get dressed. We’re driving, right? To go get Alex on the way?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Mmhm. Xander is out of town or something and, well…you know Anya was asked not to come back after the incident.”  
  
  
“He and Jesse are doing a sting,” Willow explained, “That’s why I was late last night. Better than making me go with them though.”  
  
  
Tara crossed her wrists around Willow’s neck.  
  
  
“I appreciate that…I would have hated to spend last night alone.”  
  
  
Willow held Tara by the waist and gently rubbed the exposed piece of skin between her shirt and pants.  
  
  
“I would never have left you during all of this.”  
  
  
“You’re a good wife,” Tara replied softly, leaning in to brush her lips against Willow’s, “I might just keep you.”  
  
  
Willow rested their foreheads together.  
  
  
“Happy to be kept.”  
  
  
They got another 15 seconds or so of peace together until something crashed and something else banged and they went off in different directions to deal with the chaos.  
  
  
Twenty minutes later they all bundled into the family car and headed toward the Harris household. The park was actually within walking distance from their house but they didn’t mind helping out by picking up Alex.  
  
  
Tara jumped out when they got there and rang the bell. Anya answered, carrying her eight-month-old daughter, who was a big fan of Aunty Tara and immediately reached out to her. Tara was just as smitten and happily took her, smelling the top of her head and feeling butterflies inside knowing she would be doing it to one of her own again soon.  
  
  
“Hey, Anya. Is Alex ready for the game?”  
  
  
“I’m coming!” Alex’s voice screeched from upstairs, followed by the sound of sneakers skidding.  
  
  
Anya crossed her arms over her chest with a pout.  
  
  
“I don’t see why I can’t come. I don’t know what the big deal is anyway.”  
  
  
“Well, I guess they don’t like the parents throwing a ball at the coach’s face,” Tara hypothesized, though managed to withhold the sarcasm and judgment others had offered when saying the same thing.  
  
  
“Alex was benched for no reason!” Anya defended.  
  
  
“You broke his nose, Ahn,” Tara replied but was more focused on tickling the baby.  
  
  
Anya continued to pout.  
  
  
“Oh, he should have ducked. What kind of basketball coach doesn’t know how to duck?”  
  
  
Alex came pounding down the stairs and passed the two of them.  
  
  
“Mom, quit it!” he complained, then jumped up with a wave, “Hi Aunty Tara.”  
  
  
“Hey sweetie,” Tara greeted, “JJ is in the car.”  
  
  
“Bye Mom!” Alex replied as he went running down the path.  
  
  
Anya cupped her mouth and called after him.  
  
  
“Remember BEEF, Alex, BEEF! Balance, Elbow, Eyes, Follow—”  
  
  
The car door slammed shut, and Tara could see Anya was down about it all.  
  
  
“Basketball season only runs for another couple of weeks,” she said comfortingly, “They’ll have a new coach next season if they keep with it.”  
  
  
“One who can take a ball to the face like a man,” Anya grumbled indignantly.  
  
  
“Why don’t you meet us after for ice cream and I’ll give you a full debrief,” Tara suggested kindly.  
  
  
Anya’s eyes suddenly lit up.  
  
  
“We can video chat!”  
  
  
“I’m sorry?” Tara asked, perplexed.  
  
  
Anya clapped her hands together, startling the baby.  
  
  
“You can video call me and I can see the game!”  
  
  
Tara didn’t know how to argue that.  
  
  
“Okay…I guess.”  
  
  
Anya got a triumphant look on her face and gave Tara a hug.  
  
  
“You’re a good friend. Even if you won’t let me join the PTA with you. The last school don't know what they were talking about. I was just counting the money, not stealing it!”  
  
  
“I know,” Tara replied softly, “But the moms from all the schools talk, you know how it is. Plus you’re overqualified.”  
  
  
“In many areas,” Anya replied haughtily.  
  
  
Tara could only smile and turned to leave but was quickly called back.  
  
  
“Tara?”  
  
  
“Yeah?” Tara asked, spinning on her heel.  
  
  
“My baby?” Anya prompted.  
  
  
Tara flushed lightly.  
  
  
“Right,” she said, passing the baby back to Anya, “Bye-bye Pixie.”  
  
  
“It’s Meg—” Anya started but just waved a hand dismissively, “Oh, I give up. Call her Pixie, her name is Pixie.”  
  
  
Pixie smiled with a big toothy grin, which Tara returned.  
  
  
She returned to the car and looked into the backseat to make sure everybody was buckled up.  
  
  
“All ready to go?”  
  
  
“It’s squishy back here,” JJ complained.  
  
  
Tara glanced at Willow as she secured her seatbelt.  
  
  
“We’re going to need a new car.”  
  
  
“We’re gonna need new lots of things,” Willow replied as she pulled off from the curb, “The phrase ‘money pit’ comes to mind.”  
  
  
Tara reached over and placed a hand on Willow’s, on the wheel.  
  
  
“The phrase ‘love pit’ comes to mine.”  
  
  
Willow looked at the kiddies through the rearview mirror and smiled.  
  
  
“With you there.”  
  
  
They drove to the park and parked the car in the parking lot near the outdoor basketball courts. JJ and Alex ran ahead while Willow and Tara stayed back to get Robyn and the cooler of drinks out.  
  
  
Ira was already there, sitting on the bleachers, and the two boys ran up to him.  
  
  
“Gramps!”  
  
  
“Hi, Mr. JJ’s Grandpa!”  
  
  
“Hello boys,” Ira greeted, “Are you all ready for the game?”  
  
  
They both nodded and Alex said something to JJ before making his way toward the rest of the team. JJ started to follow but turned back.  
  
  
“Gramps, if you wanna cheer for Alex today too, that’d be okay ‘cause his Daddy couldn’t come and I have you and Mom and Momma but pleaaaassseeee make sure Mom and Momma don’t cheer, okay?”  
  
  
Ira softened his posture.  
  
  
“Now, now, my boy. Why wouldn’t you want your mothers to cheer for you?”  
  
  
JJ eyed the ground.  
  
  
“It’s embarrassing.”  
  
  
Ira put a hand on JJ’s shoulder.  
  
  
“When they’re cheering for you, they’re showing you how much they love you and how proud of you they are.”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes lifted to meet Ira’s.  
  
  
“They don’t know anything about sports.”  
  
  
“And yet they come here every week to see you play,” Ira replied sagely, “You are blessed to have parents who will cheer your name no matter what. What say you cut them a little slack?”  
  
  
JJ considered it for a moment, then smiled.  
  
  
“Okay, Gramps.”  
  
  
Ira patted the spot his hand was at.  
  
  
“Attaboy. Now you go out there and play to the best of your ability and do what’s best for your team. Can you do that?”  
  
  
JJ nodded keenly.  
  
  
“I can do that!”  
  
  
Ira held his hand up for a high-five, which JJ clapped.  
  
  
“That’s your pal from school over there, isn’t it?” Ira asked as a young boy waved over to JJ eagerly.  
  
  
“Yeah!” JJ agreed and ran off to finally join the team, “Hey Thomas!”  
  
  
He waved at some of the other kids starting to gather.  
  
  
“Hey Henry, hey Cooper, hey Max!”  
  
  
Willow came up to the fence with the waters and smiled at her father.  
  
  
“Hi, Daddy. I didn’t know you were coming.”  
  
  
“Hope you don’t mind,” Ira replied, giving his daughter a kiss on the cheek as she passed.  
  
  
“Of course not,” Willow replied, offering a bottle, “Thanks for taking the kids last night.”  
  
  
“Our pleasure,” Ira replied.  
  
  
Tara came up with a squirming Robyn, unhappy from having had her face slathered in sunscreen.  
  
  
Willow held her arms out and Tara gratefully transferred her.  
  
  
“Come here grumpy face,” Willow said affectionately.  
  
  
“Hello Ira,” Tara greeted, taking a seat beside her wife.  
  
  
“Hello again, Tara,” Ira returned, stroking his full beard, “Lovely day for it.”  
  
  
They exchanged smiles and turned toward the courts, where the jump ball was about to be thrown.  
  
  
Tara quickly called Anya, who had her switch the camera without greeting so she could see.  
  
  
“Charming as ever,” Willow muttered.  
  
  
It was a busy game with lots of running to and fro between baskets. People gave them odd looks as Anya shrieked from the speaker, so Tara turned the volume down to mute and let her scream into oblivion.  
  
  
Near the end of the game, the score was tied and a few of the more antsy parents were getting loud and slightly belligerent, though most cursed under their breath and left it at that.  
  
  
One man, however, was screaming at his kid and when JJ opted to send a pass to another teammate instead of his son, yelled at him too.  
  
  
Willow scowled at him.  
  
  
“Hey, lay off.”  
  
  
He was standing off to the side and a bleacher below then and looked over his shoulder with disdain.  
  
  
“Just what I need, a soccer mom on my case. Back off, woman.”  
  
  
Tara’s head turned, an eyebrow arched.  
  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
  
He rolled his eyes at them.  
  
  
“Two of you? What are you, dykes?”  
  
  
Willow stood right up.  
  
  
“Excuse me!?”  
  
  
Tara stood too, immediately grabbing Robyn and walking her away from the situation. The phone volume pressed up as she put it in her pocket and Anya could be heard screeching to let her see the court.  
  
  
Ira moved to stand protectively between the man and Willow,  
  
  
“Sir, I ask that you show some respect. This is a children’s game.”  
  
  
JJ again passed the ball to another, closer, teammate and the man became enraged.  
  
  
“Don’t worry, I’ll just get your kid kicked off the team and you won’t have to see me ever again, how about that?”  
  
  
“What possible benefit could come from that?” Ira asked, starting to show some irritation.  
  
  
The man snarled.  
  
  
"I wouldn't let my son play with a son of a bitch so I definitely won't let him play with a son of two."  
  
  
Ira was so stunned he was rocked into silence but as a cheer erupted from the court, followed by a whistle, Willow just smirked.  
  
  
“That son of two bitches just scored the winning basket.”  
  
  
The man took two steps down to ground level and peered through the cage at everybody, including his son, patting JJ on the back. From that angle, Ira was able to see the logo on the back of the man’s jacket.  
  
  
He cleared his throat.  
  
  
“Are you an employee of Chapman Construction?”  
  
  
“What’s it to you?” the man grumbled.  
  
  
Ira stood proudly.  
  
  
“Well, I just so happen to be a business associate and close personal friend of Christopher Chapman and I’m sure he and his husband Dave would be very interested to hear how an employee is representing the company in public.”  
  
  
Fear ran through the man’s eyes, as his mouth opened and closed until he finally walked away muttering something about being ‘better off doing football anyway’.  
  
  
Once Willow calmed down enough to stop sending the man death stares, she tugged gently on her father’s jacket arm.  
  
  
“Thanks for sticking up for us, Dad. That really…that really means a lot.”  
  
  
Ira waved a hand bashfully, but Willow pressed.  
  
  
“Do you really know his boss?”  
  
  
A small grin tugged at Ira’s lips.  
  
  
“I saw him speak at a business conference once.”  
  
  
“But you knew about his husband,” Willow prompted.  
  
  
“They co-own the business. He was there too,” Ira explained, “Rightly or wrongly, it still stands out to me to hear a man mention his husband.”  
  
  
Willow laughed.  
  
  
“My Dad, the master bluffer! You should play poker with Tara, she’s a shark.”  
  
  
“Will we go find her?” Ira asked.  
  
  
Willow nodded and they went to find Tara, eventually locating her on the grass, holding Robyn on her hip whilst she pleaded into the phone.  
  
  
“Anya, I’m sorry, I dropped it…I didn’t mean—I have to go, the boys need me, bye!”  
  
  
She seemed relieved to hang up and Willow put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
  
“Is everything okay?”  
  
  
Tara smiled that I’m-exhausted-but-you’re-here-so-everything-is-okay smile that made Willow’s insides turned to Jell-O.  
  
  
“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before. What about you? What was that a-hole’s problem?”  
  
  
“Nothing to worry about,” Willow replied casually, “Everything’s great. Great-y, great, great.”  
  
  
Just then JJ came running out and bypassed Ira to be straight into his mothers’ arms.  
  
  
“Mom, Momma, did you see, did you see?”  
  
  
Willow ruffled JJ’s hair as she side-long hugged her wife and daughter.  
  
  
“We saw you, buddy! You were amazing!”  
  
  
Tara praised him similarly and he didn’t seem to mind too much, despite earlier protestations.  
  
  
Willow watched as Robyn clapped for JJ and felt bliss at allowing herself to be content again.  
  
  
She used one hand to stroke JJ’s back and the other to caress Tara and Robyn, who were all exchanging words animatedly. Willow was listening, but also in her own little cloud of happiness.  
  
  
She never thought she’d think that about a basketball game, but it wasn’t about the sport.  
  
  
This was all she never knew she needed and everything she would never let go of.


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

_**Chapter Three** _   


* * *

Willow let the warm water slide off her hair and down her back.  
  
  
She _loved_ their new shower.  
  
  
The high-powered showerhead doled out a delicious burst of hot water and the various jets offered the same treatment at different heights. There was room for steam to rise which she inhaled as her head tilted back under the spray.  
  
  
She really loved this space. She didn’t remember it seeming so big off the plans, but inside it was a different story. She could lie down on the floor and do a full 360-degree turn if she wanted. Okay, maybe not quite, but you could fit five people in there at a squeeze, though she thought the perfect number to be two.  
  
  
The water thrummed relentlessly, almost leaving pinprick bruises on Willow’s skin that hurt in the best possible way. It was a beautiful way to way up quickly on a rushed weekday morning, or to luxuriate in when she had the time.  
  
  
She couldn’t actually remember which situation she was in right then, but also didn’t care.  
  
  
It was her birthday.  
  
  
That much she remembered.  
  
  
She turned to get the water at a new angle and let the warm beads wet her lips. Her tongue poked out to catch one and she smiled.  
  
  
_Tastes like lemonade._  
  
  
“Your hair smells like lemons.”  
  
  
Willow spun back around and saw Tara. She hadn’t heard her enter.  
  
  
“Your shampoo,” Tara continued, acting like she wasn’t being so effortlessly sexy standing there naked, getting wet.  
  
  
She put her hands on her own breasts and dragged her palms down her body.  
  
  
“I thought my lingerie this year could be of the more…elemental variety.”  
  
  
Willow watched the water droplets hug Tara’s curves, indeed acting as evocatively as some lacy panties would. She dragged her gaze back up to Tara’s eyes.  
  
  
“My birthday present…is your birthday suit.”  
  
  
Tara leaned in and placed her mouth right at Willow’s ear to whisper.  
  
  
“Your birthday present is whatever you want.”  
  
  
The seductive look Tara was giving was enough to make Willow feel weak-kneed. However, instead of hers buckling, she watched as Tara slowly sank onto hers.  
  
  
She gasped when Tara kissed above her hairline, a miraculously smoother spot than where her normal ‘jelly belly’ resided.  
  
  
Tara’s hands grabbed Willow’s hips as her lips dipped lower.  
  
  
She watched as Tara’s head started to bob and was beginning to moan when Tara suddenly started shaking her hips violently.  
  
  
“Tara?” Willow asked, her voice quaking in the same rhythm.  
  
  
The shaking just got faster and faster and faster until Willow startled awake, sitting upright in bed with flushed cheeks and a pool of wetness that, for once, wasn’t drool on her pillow.  
  
  
Her thighs shifted uncomfortably for a moment until she realized JJ was standing beside her and had been the instigator in the waking shaking.  
  
  
She flushed more and pinned the sheet on top of her to the mattress to try and stop any of her arousal becoming noticeable.  
  
  
“What’s wrong?” she asked in a gruff, morning voice.  
  
  
“Robyn stuck a crayon up her nose,” JJ replied casually.  
  
  
“Why is that child obsessed with shoving things in hers and other people’s noses,” Willow grumbled, “How far?”  
  
  
“Just the tip,” JJ replied helpfully, “But she won’t let me pull it out.”  
  
  
Willow sighed.  
  
  
“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute. Don’t let her get it any further up there!”  
  
  
JJ left again and Willow sighed. She glanced over at her wife and was grateful their son hadn’t woken her up. Tara had been struggling with pretty bad morning sickness and didn’t need to be woken up over nonsense.  
  
  
She gently kissed Tara’s cheek and carefully got out of bed.  
  
  
She stumbled into the bathroom to pee and clean herself up, pulling on a pair of sweats on under the old t-shirt she thrown on the night before. As she skirted a toothbrush around her teeth to get that icky feeling gone, she glanced sideways at the shower and what could have been.  
  
  
_It is my birthday…maybe I’ll get that birthday suit present later…_  
  
  
She finally rinsed and hurried downstairs, where JJ was holding Robyn’s hands to stop her pushing the crayon any deeper.  
  
  
“Robyn, what are you doing?” she asked in exasperation as she picked the toddler up, “Crayons go on paper, not in noses!”  
  
  
Luckily it was just in the nostril and came out with a light tug. Willow made a face as she tossed it in the garbage and washed Robyn’s hands for good measure.  
  
  
“Stop putting things in your nose or your mouth or anywhere else that aren't supposed to go there!”  
  
  
Robyn just smiled sweetly and Willow _almost_ regretted asking to use Tara’s egg because that smile was going to kill her one of these days.  
  
  
She brought Robyn back into the living room and put her in her playpen, making sure it was free of anything small enough to fit in a bodily orifice.  
  
  
“Thanks for helping out, buddy,” she said to JJ, picking up the empty bowl of cereal he’d poured himself.  
  
  
“It’s okay,” JJ replied absently, enjoying his cartoons.  
  
  
Willow cleared the mess without complaint since he’d been so good to help and headed into the kitchen to make some coffee.  
  
  
She knew the kids wouldn’t remember her birthday until reminded, but she held off on making breakfast in case they all wanted to do something special.  
  
  
She brought her laptop to the island in the kitchen and opened up her social media to like and thank all of the birthday wishes.  
  
  
While she was drinking her second cup of coffee, Tara appeared with her hair still messed up from sleep. Willow looked up with a big smile.  
  
  
“Good morning,” she greeted warmly, “Hey, I need to ask Michelle if you liked to shove things up your nose when you were little. Some funky genetics is the only guess I have left.”  
  
  
Willow waited with bated breath for the lovely fusion of the good morning and happy birthday kiss that was about to be bestowed upon her, but it never came. Instead, Tara, all the while looking like Oscar the Grouch, grabbed the house phone and left again.  
  
  
Willow held up a hand and finally slapped it back down by her side.  
  
  
“Good morning to you, too, Willow; oh, and here’s a lovely smooch because hey, it’s your birthday, and I love your witty observations about our nasophile daughter.”  
  
  
Less than five minutes later, Tara appeared again, this time hastily dressed. She deposited the phone back on its dock, whilst avoiding Willow’s gaze.  
  
  
“I’m going out.”  
  
  
“Okay, where are you—” Willow started but Tara marched out again, “Can you at least tell me if I should make breakfast?!”  
  
  
There was no response and Willow thought Tara had walked out, until a couple of moments later she came back into the kitchen and closed the door behind her.  
  
  
Now that Willow could actually see Tara’s face for more than a passing second, she could tell something was wrong.  
  
  
Really wrong.  
  
  
She came out from behind the island and walked over to take her wife’s hands.  
  
  
“Baby, what is it?”  
  
  
Tara looked down as silent tears escaped and ran down her cheeks.  
  
  
“I-I’m bl-bleeding.”  
  
  
Willow drew an indrawn breath as Tara swiped at her eyes.  
  
  
“I called the doctor and she’s meeting me at the hospital. I was just going to go so you wouldn’t have to worry, but I can’t do it, I can’t go alone.”  
  
  
“Of course you’re not going alone!” Willow replied emphatically and guided Tara over to a stool, “Just, um, sit here, just for a few minutes. I’m taking the kids to my dad and I’m going to come back for you.”  
  
  
Tara’s head rolled forward into her hands and her back hunched with sobs. Willow took Tara’s hands away from her face.  
  
  
“Hey,” she said, then cupped Tara’s face and held it up to her, “Hey.”  
  
  
She locked eyes with Tara and tried to pass on some strength and resolve.  
  
  
“It’s going to be okay.”  
  
  
Tara’s wet eyelashes fluttered and her gaze fell again. Willow pressed a kiss to Tara’s hair part and hurried off into the living room, plucking Robyn from her playpen to protests as she was having fun playing.  
  
  
“JJ, you’re going to Grandpa’s.”  
  
  
“Can I finish watching—”  
  
  
“Now, Jacob,” Willow replied curtly, and JJ scowled but knew better than to argue when his full name had been deployed.  
  
  
Willow grabbed the diaper bag and put a hand on JJ’s back to lead him outside.  
  
  
“I’m in my jammies!”  
  
  
“It doesn’t matter, come on,” Willow said, getting them out the door before they heard Tara crying.  
  
  
She strapped them into their seats and quickly had the car reversing out of the driveway.  
  
  
“Why are we going to Grandpa’s in our jammies?” JJ asked, his voice on the verge of quivering, “And why are we driving?”  
  
  
Willow took a moment to try and compose herself.  
  
  
“I have to take Mom to the hospital. She got a cut and is bleeding so the doctor just has to look at it, but she’s going to be fine,” she said in an even tone not betraying her inner panic. She glanced in the rearview mirror at her son, “Don’t worry, okay? I promise everything is fine.”  
  
  
She reached behind and held his hand until they pulled up outside Ira and Michelle’s house. JJ went right up to ring the doorbell and Willow was there with Robyn by the time Ira answered the door.  
  
  
He looked surprised and pleased to see them.  
  
  
“Can I watch TV?” JJ asked, and Ira looked down at him, right away noticing his lack of shoes on his footy pajamas.  
  
  
“Of course, go ahead,” he replied, voice starting to tinge with concern.  
  
  
JJ padded off into the living room and Ira turned back to Willow.  
  
  
“I’m sorry to just show up like this.”  
  
  
“It’s alright, I was hoping to see you today anyway,” Ira replied, reaching out to squeeze his daughter’s arm.  
  
  
Willow swallowed to hold back the emotion.  
  
  
“Tara had an accident, I have to bring her to the ER,” she said, handing off Robyn, “She’s fine, but I gotta go. I’m sorry.”  
  
  
She dropped the diaper bag and started to retreat. Ira looked shocked.  
  
  
“Willow, what—”  
  
  
“I have to go,” Willow said apologetically.  
  
  
“Happy–”  
  
  
“Later!” Willow called back over her shoulder as she hurried back into the car.  
  
  
She drove home, faster than she should have. She looked in the mirror and realized she looked way too close to tears.  
  
  
She allowed herself fifteen seconds to break down, then sucked it all back up, slapped her cheeks to look as red as her eyes so she looked less inconspicuous and rushed back inside to Tara.  
  
  
She was where Willow had left her, staring down vacantly at the floor. Willow took a deep breath and put a hand on Tara’s back.  
  
  
“C’mon, honey. It’s gonna be alright.”  
  
  
She guided Tara out to the hallway, silently until her wife spoke.  
  
  
“Shoes.”  
  
  
“You have shoes on, baby,” Willow soothed softly.  
  
  
Tara sniffed.  
  
  
“You don’t.”  
  
  
Willow looked down and realized she didn’t, in fact, have any shoes on. She hadn’t noticed, nor had she noticed her soles being cut up by the gravel and path she’d walked on.  
  
  
“Oh.”  
  
  
There was a pair of slip-on sneakers they shared to do night runs to the car sitting by the door, so Willow put them on as she walked them both outside.  
  
  
Neither of them said a word the whole way to the hospital; Tara just stared out the window with creased eyes and Willow was too busy focusing on the road. Her knuckles were white and there was no other brainpower left over to speak. Her instinct was to panic, panic, panic, but she knew if she did that she’d be letting Tara down and she wouldn’t do that to her wife.  
  
  
After they parked, Willow had no idea where they were supposed to go, but Tara seemed to so she just followed.  
  
  
Tara, somehow, in a cracking voice told an OB nurse who they were and they were guided to a room. Tara was given a gown, which Willow helped put on and tried not to react when she saw the red hue on the pad Tara had hastily shoved into her underwear.  
  
  
She stood next to the bed and took Tara’s hand. It was trembling so hard that not even holding it in both of hers put any pause to it.  
  
  
“It’s gonna be—”  
  
  
“Stop saying that,” Tara interrupted, her face ashen.  
  
  
“Sorry,” Willow whispered.  
  
  
The nurse asked Tara some questions, took her vitals and left again.  
  
  
They were both stuck in a sterile silence, and Willow guessed Tara wasn’t speaking because she was two seconds away from breaking down. She guessed that because she was in a similar state herself.  
  
  
She hadn’t let herself think the words yet, because she needed to be there for Tara and being there for Tara did not involve her giving in to such thoughts.  
  
  
A new woman in scrubs came in.  
  
  
Their hands trembled in each other’s again as she introduced herself as a sonographer, told them their doctor, Dr. Wells, was held up in a delivery but would be with them soon and asked Tara some more questions about what she’d experienced that morning. When they finished conversing, she brought them down to the ultrasound room and asked permission to perform an internal exam.  
  
  
Tara nodded silently and got readjusted with a sheet over her as the technician prepared the probe.  
  
  
Willow saw a brief moment of pain as it was inserted, then Tara's face returned back into its crumpled, worried state quickly.  
  
  
There were fifteen long minutes of more silence that both Willow and Tara could only describe as agonizing. Willow was screaming at the technician inside her head; _‘say something, say anything’_.  
  
  
Finally, she did, but the words didn’t help in the slightest, especially with the surprised look on her face.  
  
  
“If you’ll excuse me, one moment. I’d like to see if Dr. Wells is ready.”  
  
  
Tara’s entire face crumbled and she started to sob.  
  
  
“W-W-Willow.”  
  
  
She took in a hiccupping breath, but it barely filled her lungs as waves of grief released themselves.  
  
  
“I lost the baby, I-I lost the baby. She doesn’t want to tell me.”  
  
  
Willow looked at the swinging curtain where the technician had left, then back at Tara.  
  
  
“She didn’t say that. She didn’t say that, sweetie.”  
  
  
“W-why else would she look like that and go off like that?” Tara stammered, “She wants the doctor to tell us.”  
  
  
Her face fell into Willow’s shoulder and she sobbed and sobbed.  
  
  
Willow held her gently and stroked her hair, unsure what to say.  
  
  
She was terrified.  
  
  
She didn’t know how she’d get Tara through this.  
  
  
She didn’t know how she’d get through this. How they would get through this.  
  
  
Eventually, the tech returned, with Dr. Wells this time, who was clearly exerted from the delivery she was coming from. Still, her initial interaction was to pat Tara’s hand comfortingly.  
  
  
“Oh, Tara, don’t cry. There’s nothing to be concerned about yet. We’re just going to take another look.”  
  
  
The technician was already reinserting the probe and Tara made herself calm down so they could do the exam. Both of them looked intently at the screen for several minutes until Dr. Wells shook her head.  
  
  
“You’re right, Diane.”  
  
  
Tara started to hyperventilate and Willow lost it.  
  
  
“Can you please just tell us something?!”  
  
  
The doctor pointed out something on the screen, which the tech started taking measurements of.  
  
  
“I’m sorry,” Dr. Wells said, turning her attention to them, “Tara, you haven’t lost the pregnancy.”  
  
  
Tara cried out in utter relief and surprise and Willow had to grab ahold of the hospital bedside rail to steady herself again.  
  
  
“What’s going on?” she asked, some emotion finally breaking in her voice.  
  
  
The doctor nodded to the technician, who flipped a switch. They waited a few moments, then there was a fast-paced galloping sound.  
  
  
“Yes…definitely two heartbeats,” Dr. Wells said.  
  
  
Tara’s eyes widened and Willow slumped with relief.  
  
  
“And they’re both strong? Tara’s and the baby’s?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells smiled over at them.  
  
  
“I’m not listening to Tara’s right now.”  
  
  
“But you said you heard two,” Willow replied in confusion, looking between Tara and the doctor, “I don’t…I don’t understand.”  
  
  
Tara took her wife’s hand.  
  
  
“Willow,” she said softly, “There’s two.”  
  
  
Willow continued to look blank and Tara’s eyes were starting to fill again but with happy tears this time.  
  
  
“Honey, they’re twins.”  
  
  
Willow blinked once, very slowly.  
  
  
“Tw—twins?” she asked, eyes looking between Tara and the doctor, “They’re…they’re…?”  
  
  
She trailed off in shock, before promptly collapsing on the spot.  
  
  
Tara flew up on her elbows.  
  
  
“Willow!”  
  
  
“Tara, stay lying down, please,” Dr. Wells advised calmly as both she and the tech took either end of Willow.  
  
  
They moved behind the curtain and put Willow on the other bed in the room.  
  
  
When she was settled, the technician left with the ultrasound and the doctor checked Willow over.  
  
  
“She’s okay,” she concluded after a minute, “It’s just shock. She’ll wake up any second. I’ll go get her a glass of water.”  
  
  
“Would you put her bed next to mine?” Tara asked, her heart still hammering in her chest.  
  
  
Dr. Wells could only smile.  
  
  
“Of course.”  
  
  
She took the brake off the bed and wheeled it over so the metal edges of the two beds lightly clanged against each other. She checked Tara was okay, then left to get Willow some water.  
  
  
Tara took Willow’s hand and it truly was only a few seconds until she stirred.  
  
  
Willow’s eyelids flickered open and settled on Tara quickly. Her vision was slightly hazy but waking up next to Tara was so familiar, she didn’t seek out anything else.  
  
  
“Good morning, baby…” she mumbled, “I had the craziest dream…”  
  
  
She gave a little stretch as she would in bed and shielded her eyes from the fluorescent light. She blinked in confusion and looked around, finally registering her surroundings. She shot up straight in the bed.  
  
  
“Ah!”  
  
  
Her head spun around and she pointed at Tara’s stomach, accusatory.  
  
  
“Two! There’s two!”  
  
  
Dr. Wells came back in with a plastic cup of water and tried to ease Willow back down.  
  
  
“Willow, take it easy for a few moments. You fainted. Drink this.”  
  
  
Willow followed orders and gulped it down. She looked less shocked, but her mouth was still slightly agape.  
  
  
“We only used one egg.”  
  
  
“Which makes us pretty sure they’re identical,” Dr. Wells advised, smiling.  
  
  
“Of course your egg would be an over-achiever,” Tara said, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
  
Willow’s gaze turned to her and Tara felt a knot in her tummy.  
  
  
“Are you not happy?”  
  
  
Willow blinked one more time and a smile slowly spread across her lips.  
  
  
“Of course I am,” she said, reaching for Tara’s hand again, “I was just a little, okay, whoa, y’know? But I _do_ know. We’re having twins. We’re having two babies!”  
  
  
Tara breathed out in relief and Willow lifted her hand to cup her wife’s cheek. She stroked her skin gently, both of them failing to suppress burgeoning grins.  
  
  
That was, until, Dr. Wells started tapping the back of Willow’s head. Willow looked over her shoulder, mildly annoyed.  
  
  
“Hey, doc. I’m having a moment with my wife here.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells retracted her hand.  
  
  
“Apologies. Just making sure you didn’t bump your head. I want to check your blood pressure again but if you’re feeling better, I think you’re both free to go.”  
  
  
“Why was I bleeding?” Tara asked, “They’re okay, right?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells returned to standing in front of the two beds.  
  
  
“It looks like some cervix inflammation. You have no signs of infection, which is positive. May I harbor a guess that you engaged in intercourse recently?”  
  
  
Willow visibly paled.  
  
  
“I did this to her?”  
  
  
“Not at all,” the doctor reassured quickly, “The blood vessels around the cervix are extra sensitive during pregnancy. It’s very normal, though I appreciate distressing. I’ll give you my after-hours emergency number in case you have any more concerns but if you have no pain or fever and the bleeding isn’t excessive, it’s nothing to be concerned about, should it happen again. Keep note and let me know at our normal appointments though. Just give it a couple of days to let it heal before any more activity. And be assured, there was no damage or hurt done to the babies. I’ll go see if we can’t get you a copy of that ultrasound.”  
  
  
She left, and Willow tried to process what she was being told, but one word stood out. She turned back to Tara, the grin unashamedly taking over her face now.  
  
  
“Babies.”  
  
  
“Babies,” Tara repeated, squeezing Willow’s hand tightly.  
  
  
They shared a happy look until Willow just threw her hands up with joy.  
  
  
“This is the best birthday present ever!”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes widened and her hand flew to her mouth.  
  
  
“It’s your birthday,” she said in a low, regretful tone, then reached out to touch her wife’s arm, “I didn’t forget, I swear. I have your present and dinner organized. Just when I woke up…”  
  
  
Willow took Tara’s hand and kissed her knuckles.  
  
  
“It doesn’t matter.”  
  
  
Tara looked pained.  
  
  
“And now we can’t…”  
  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Willow dismissed softly, “Dream Tara gave up the goods this morning.”  
  
  
Tara dropped her gaze bashfully for a moment and Willow was transported right back to the girl she first fell in love with.  
  
  
“She did?” Tara asked, looking up to her eyelashes.  
  
  
And with that tone, Willow was right back to her sultry, seductive wife.  
  
  
“Until she was rudely interrupted,” Willow replied, brushing some hair from Tara’s eyes, “But enough to keep me going until Real Tara is up for it again.”  
  
  
Tara caught Willow’s hand and held it to her face while mouthing ‘I love you’. Willow leaned in and nuzzled their noses.  
  
  
Willow helped Tara redress, and got her a fresh pad from a nurse, though the bleeding seemed to have stopped.  
  
  
Still, Willow made sure Tara made easy movements and aided her wherever she could.  
  
  
Dr. Wells returned with an envelope of the ultrasound and told them they were free to go. Willow forgot herself for a moment and threw her arms around the doctor.  
  
  
She realized what she was doing pretty quickly and retreated with a blush.  
  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
  
“It’s quite alright,” Dr. Wells replied easily, “Congratulations. I’ll see you for your 12-week scan, but please don’t worry in silence if something is bothering you. It’s always better to be safe than sorry.”  
  
  
Both women thanked the doctor again and Willow brought Tara out to the car. She had to take a minute to orient herself, as they’d come in in such a flurry that she couldn’t remember where she’d parked.  
  
  
Finally, she vaguely recognized a landmark and they found the car. They both sat in, but Willow made no move to start the car.  
  
  
“Can I see the pictures?”  
  
  
Tara opened the envelope and a large printed copy of a still of the ultrasound came out. She held it between them.  
  
  
Willow traced the two little blobs of grey against the black.  
  
  
“The little egg that could…”  
  
  
Tara leaned her head against Willow’s shoulder and Willow leaned her head back onto Tara’s.  
  
  
Several minutes passed in awed silence until Willow finally reached out to stroke Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“I love you so much,” she said, turning in to kiss the top of Tara’s head, “And I love our children. All…four of them.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes slowly blinked.  
  
  
“Whoa.”  
  
  
“They’ll outnumber us two to one now,” Willow said uneasily.  
  
  
“We’re bigger,” Tara countered.  
  
  
“For now,” Willow replied, “JJ is shooting up as if he really is eating his vegetables and not hiding them under the potato!”  
  
  
They met each other’s eyes and Tara shook her head softly to herself.  
  
  
“We’re crazy.”  
  
  
“You talked me into this,” Willow retorted playfully.  
  
  
“You gave me the great replicating egg,” Tara shot back, through a big smile.  
  
  
Willow caught Tara’s cheek and swooped in for a smooch.  
  
  
“And you made me two beautiful…identical…babies. Two little…” Willow suddenly pulled away, eyes wide, “Holy shit. Two little mes! The Ruliness will be well and truly destroyed!”  
  
  
“Still not a word,” Tara replied.  
  
  
“Well it should be,” Willow grumbled.  
  
  
Tara turned Willow’s face to hers.  
  
  
“C’mere,” she said, pecking Willow’s lips affectionately, “I love my two little Willow’s. I can’t wait to grow them, then meet them, then raise them. However…rambunctious they may be.”  
  
  
“My Dad called it ‘curious’,” Willow replied sheepishly.  
  
  
“I love you,” Tara whispered, and Willow returned the sentiment, again.  
  
  
It was very love-proclaiming kind of news.  
  
  
Eventually, they broke apart and Tara put the images back safely.  
  
  
Willow drove them back to her father’s house, during which they would keep meeting each other's eye and grinning, and parked on the curb.  
  
  
“My poor Dad. I just showed up with the kids in their jammies. They think you cut yourself by accident.”  
  
  
She released her seatbelt but didn’t open her door yet.  
  
  
“Tara, can I tell him? I know we were going to wait but…”  
  
  
Tara covered Willow’s hand and nodded.  
  
  
“Discreetly.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Willow agreed.  
  
  
They both got out and headed to the front door, which opened before they even knocked to an ashen-faced Ira, slowly getting some color back in his cheeks.  
  
  
“Oh thank god.”  
  
  
Willow stepped up and hugged her father.  
  
  
“Sorry for the scare.”  
  
  
Ira seemed to relax and patted Willow’s back, whilst looking to Tara.  
  
  
“Is everything alright? Did you need stitches?”  
  
  
“I didn’t cut myself, Ira,” Tara replied softly.  
  
  
Ira looked between them confused. Willow pulled the door behind them so it was ajar and lowered her voice.  
  
  
“She’s pregnant, Daddy.”  
  
  
Ira’s eyes widened and Willow rocked on her toes with excitement.  
  
  
“With twins.”  
  
  
Ira’s hands covered his face as he took that in.  
  
  
“Everything is okay,” Willow said quickly, pre-empting the concern, “We had a little scare but everything is okay.”  
  
  
Ira turned to Tara and offered her a joy-filled smile. His big hands cupped her face and over her ears and he kissed her square on the forehead.  
  
  
“B'sha'ah tovah.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth to translate but Tara just held up a hand; she understood.  
  
  
The door peeked open and Michelle stuck her head out.  
  
  
“Tara, Willow? Is everything alright?”  
  
  
Ira looked at Michelle and burst out with a sound that could only be described as a schoolgirl squeal.  
  
  
“We have two more grandchildren on the way!”  
  
  
Willow brought a finger to her lips.  
  
  
“Nobody knows,” she whispered, “It’s very early, so please keep it to yourselves. Especially around the kiddos.”  
  
  
Ira settled himself down with a chagrined smile.  
  
  
“Of course we will, sweetheart.”  
  
  
Michelle leaped from the door with the step of a spring chicken and threw her arms around Tara.  
  
  
“Hey, how’d you know it wasn’t me?” Willow asked, though just amused.  
  
  
Michelle held Tara’s face the same way Ira had.  
  
  
“I can see it in her eyes,” she said, looking at her niece deeply in the eye, “Your mother would be so proud. And did you say two?”  
  
  
Tara nodded and it seemed to finally dawn on Michelle.  
  
  
“Well that is just…” she puffed out happily, “Splendid! Simply splendid!”  
  
  
The door creaked open again and JJ looked out to see what all the commotion was.  
  
  
“Mom? Are you okay?”  
  
  
“What is this, party on the patio?” Willow asked and scooped JJ up with one arm, something she rarely did anymore as he was so big, and he never let her anyway – but did this time, a sure sign he was a bit upset, “Mom is just fine. Look at her. Doesn’t she look fine?”  
  
  
JJ nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah. She looks shiny.”  
  
  
Willow blushed.  
  
  
“I’ve been letting him watch Firefly.”  
  
  
“No, shiny!” JJ clarified through a toothy grin, “Like, like…like the moon!”  
  
  
Willow matched the grin, albeit with a full set.  
  
  
“I think you mean to say Mom is glowing,” she said, then smiled softly at Tara, “And I agree.”  
  
  
“Thank you, honey,” Tara said to JJ and Willow let him down so he could hug her.  
  
  
Ira put a hand on JJ’s back and guided him back inside while using the other hand to welcome them in.  
  
  
“Come in, come in,” he said jollily, “Won’t you stay for lunch? You have to get your birthday present.”  
  
  
Willow put her arm around Tara’s waist and leaned in to kiss her cheek; lowering her voice so only her wife could hear.  
  
  
“I already did.”


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

_**Chapter Four** _  


* * *

“Robbie, no! That’s too much, you’ll spill.”  
  
  
Robyn looked down at the plastic tumbler cup she’d shakily filled to the brim with apple juice, getting as much on the surrounding counter as in the cup. She started to tip it so more would spill out, but JJ spotted her in time and came screeching over to stop her.  
  
  
He grabbed an orange from the fruit bowl and put it in her hands.  
  
  
“Here. You hold this.”  
  
  
He lifted her down from the stool and put her on the ground.  
  
  
“Don’t tell moms I let you sit up there.”  
  
  
“No tell, Jay-Jay,” Robyn promised, and started to suck on the orange peel as she waited.  
  
  
JJ gulped the apple juice so it wasn’t so precariously full and put it on the tray along with the other items he’d placed there.  
  
  
“Come on, let’s go.”  
  
  
Robyn toddled on in front, climbing the stairs on her hands and feet. She stood on her tiptoes to open the handle on her mothers’ bedroom door.  
  
  
JJ struggled to balance the tray between the wingspan of his arms.  
  
  
“Wake ‘em up! Hurry, this thing is heavy!”  
  
  
Robyn bent one knee and pushed up on the other to get some traction on the bedsheet, enough to pull herself up. She was quite used to sneaking into bed with her mothers when she wasn’t supposed to, but she’d never done it with JJ before. It was exciting.  
  
  
She looked to him for guidance but he just made a ‘hurry up’ face, so she made her best guess and started to jump between them.  
  
  
“Mom-mee, Mom-mah, Mom-mee, Mom-mah, Mom-ee, Mom-mah!”  
  
  
Willow startled awake with wide eyes and messed hair, while Tara awoke quickly but with a little more grace. She reached for her daughter and settled her onto her knees, not as yet seeing JJ standing behind her.  
  
  
“Robyn, what’s wrong?”  
  
  
“Is mo-ning,” Robyn answered with a somewhat misleadingly sweet smile, “Beck-fist.”  
  
  
Willow grunted and rolled onto her side.  
  
  
“Get JJ to pour you some cereal. I’ll make you something later.”  
  
  
Robyn looked at JJ, which made Tara glance over for the first time. Her hand covered her mouth at the struggling, earnest smile on her son’s face. She shook Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
“Tara, don’t make me,” Willow whined.  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara said more insistently.  
  
  
Willow puffed out an annoyed breath and sat up, finally taking in the scene in full.  
  
  
JJ was tensing his muscles now and the strain showed in his face.  
  
  
“This is super heavy.”  
  
  
“C’mere, c’mere,” Willow said quickly, smoothing out the sheet so there was a spot for him to leave the tray down.  
  
  
JJ gratefully dropped it and kneeled behind.  
  
  
“Happy Mothers’ Day,” he said shyly, showing them a piece of paper that Robyn had squiggled on and JJ had printed both of their names.  
  
  
“Th’as us!” Robyn said proudly, pointing to the squiggles.  
  
  
Tara kissed Robyn’s cheek from behind, who giggled at the tickle. Willow went from grumpy to grinning in two seconds flat.  
  
  
“You both are the sweetest kids we could have ever asked for,” she said as she extended her arms, “Come here.”  
  
  
JJ looked away, pretending to resist to retain his image but Willow knew it wasn’t real denial, so insisted.  
  
  
“Yes, we get to give at least one kiss each on Mothers’ Day. Come on.”  
  
  
JJ relented and scooted up for a brief squeeze and kiss on the cheek from each of them.  
  
  
Duty done, he sat back and looked around for a moment before back at them.  
  
  
“Can I go watch cartoons again now?”  
  
  
Willow and Tara both smiled and Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Go ahead, honey.”  
  
  
He jumped down and Robyn was at his heels, footy-pajama’d feet padding across the floor.  
  
  
“Me come, Jay-Jay!”  
  
  
They watched their children go — one only somewhat grudgingly tolerating the other — with happy smiles on their faces, which they then directed at each other.  
  
  
They leaned in and met for a kiss.  
  
  
“Happy Mothers’ Day,” Tara said softly.  
  
  
Willow nuzzled Tara’s nose, popped another kiss on her lips, then turned toward her nightstand and opened the top drawer. She pulled out a small gift and an attached card.  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara said, putting her hand on her wife’s thigh.  
  
  
“It’s not from me!” Willow protested, handing over the contents of her hands.  
  
  
Tara turned over the gift and opened it, an accessory called the Belly Belt.  
  
  
“It was a lifesaver when I was pregnant,” Willow explained, “You can wear your own clothes instead of the maternity stuff. One time shopping with Anya will do me for several lifetimes!”  
  
  
Tara opened the card to a sweet Mother’s Day verse signed from ‘Thing 1’ and ‘Thing 2’.  
  
  
She gestured Willow in and laid a big smooch on her cheek.  
  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
  
“Love you, missus,” Willow replied and they kissed each other’s cheeks together another time.  
  
  
Willow took a little rub of Tara’s belly, smiling.  
  
  
“So check out this haul,” she said, examining the contents of the tray, “Soggy Cheerios, half a tub of PB&J on burnt toast and what looks to be a slobbery orange.”  
  
  
“Don’t forget the apple juice,” Tara replied, sipping from the batman cup.  
  
  
Willow did the same.  
  
  
“The apple juice is of a fine vintage.”  
  
  
She set the cup back on the tray and looked at the combined globular mess.  
  
  
“So how do we get this downstairs uneaten without hurting the kids’ feelings?”  
  
  
“Trash it in the bathroom,” Tara suggested.  
  
  
Willow looked at her wife, scandalously.  
  
  
“You’re evil Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay.”  
  
  
“Maybe I just want to get you into the bathroom alone,” Tara said seductively.  
  
  
Willow pushed the tray down by their feet and grabbed Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“I don’t need convincing.”  
  
  
She pulled her wife, not too forcefully, but enough to let her know she wasn’t kidding around.  
  
  
Tara’s legs swiveled around to the other side of the bed, her feet skidding just over the abandoned dishes.  
  
  
They landed on the floor, her toes at Willow’s heels and they stumbled together into their bathroom.  
  
  
Tara closed the door softly shut behind them and Willow started up the water in the shower. They each threw off the t-shirts they were wearing, but only Tara’s made it into the laundry hamper. Tara came up behind Willow and pressed her front gently into her wife’s back.  
  
  
“Mmm,” Willow moaned softly, reaching behind to trail her fingertips along Tara’s side.  
  
  
Tara placed kisses along Willow’s shoulder, into her neck and up to her ear where her tongue followed the curve. She felt the shiver as it shook through Willow’s spine.  
  
  
Tara lifted Willow’s arm, bent it gently at the elbow and trailed her fingers back down in a light, tickling touch.  
  
  
As her fingers descended, her knees followed and she kissed Willow’s back down to her buttocks.  
  
  
Willow’s palms stretched out flat against the glass shower door and as Tara moved toward her front, she tilted her head back so the water flowed right down her body.  
  
  
When Tara’s mouth touched her between her legs, Willow let out a long sigh.  
  
  
“This reminds me of my birthday…”  
  
  
Tara’s head drew back and she looked up with an arched eyebrow.  
  
  
“Dream-you!” Willow answered the unasked question very quickly.  
  
  
“Mmm,” Tara replied with slightly narrowed eyes, “I’m starting to get jealous of that gal.”  
  
  
“Don’t tell her, but you're way better at going down,” Willow replied with a charming smile that could make Tara forgive anything.  
  
  
The smile tugged on Tara’s lips.  
  
  
“Oh really?”  
  
  
Willow grinned downward.  
  
  
“She’s got you beat on mystical third hands that touch me everywhere though.”  
  
  
Tara slowly rose from her knees, and fixed Willow with a steady gaze, making her wonder if she was in trouble for a moment.  
  
  
Then Tara smiled and swooped in for a kiss again. Willow giggled and cupped Tara’s cheeks as they stepped back under the spray.  
  
  
Tara’s hands settled on Willow’s hips as a bit of a wooziness came over her. Willow recognized the heavier hold as something more than an affectionate touch and caught Tara by the shoulders.  
  
  
“Hey,” she said softly, “Shower shenanigans can wait for another day.”  
  
  
Tara sighed apologetically and rested her head on Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
After a moment to feel the wooziness lift, Tara's mouth ended where she started, leaving a trail of kisses along Willow’s shoulder blade and into her neck.  
  
  
“Will you wash my hair?” she whispered.  
  
  
“Of course, my love,” Willow whispered back tenderly.  
  
  
Willow closed her arms around Tara’s back at the waist and gently slid them back fully under the spray.  
  
  
She shampooed up Tara’s hair, lightly massaging it into her scalp.  
  
  
“Mmm,” Tara replied happily.  
  
  
Willow paid special care to the back of Tara’s head, so she could enjoy her wife’s strained neck as she leaned back.  
  
  
“You are so beautiful,” Willow whispered against Tara’s skin.  
  
  
Her hand dropped to Tara’s belly and rubbed it in soft circles.  
  
  
“You’re going to get even more beautiful.”  
  
  
She kissed the back of Tara’s neck, where the muscle stretched into her shoulder.  
  
  
“And I get to love you the whole way through. How lucky am I?”  
  
  
She washed the shampoo from Tara’s hair and conditioned the ends until they were soft. Tara turned and leaned in to brush their lips together.  
  
  
“I love you, Willow.”  
  
  
Their noses bumped and they shared another few kisses before Tara took over washing Willow’s hair.  
  
  
They finished up in the shower and tucked themselves into towels. Willow walked into the bedroom to get dressed and Tara stayed in the bathroom to take her folic acid and apply lotion to stave off stretch marks.  
  
  
Unfortunately, instead of her cream, she opened Willow’s hair gel, which was nauseous enough to make her immediately reach to lift the toilet lid.  
  
  
Willow heard the familiar sound and grimaced.  
  
  
She knew it was too good to be true. They’d been lucky to get the whole shower without Tara retching. She rushed in to hold Tara’s hair and rub her back.  
  
  
She wished she could do more.  
  
  
“It’s really hitting you hard,” she said in a soothing voice, though with concern, “Maybe we should check in with the doctor about it.”  
  
  
Tara rested her head on the toilet lid rim.  
  
  
“You should see what other women have to put up with, the ones with it bad. It’s um, hyper…”  
  
  
“Hyperemesis gravidarum,” Willow finished, “Yeah, I’ve looked it up. I know some get it _bad_ but you’re getting it more than I did. A lot more.”  
  
  
“Some women aren’t able to keep down anything at all or have to fight nausea for 20 minutes just to get a little bit of nutrition absorbed,” Tara said, sighing, “At least I can still eat meals with you and the kids every day.”  
  
  
Willow wet a washcloth and blotted it against Tara’s forehead.  
  
  
“Well, we have brunch reservations today, if you can cope with that,” she said, helping Tara to her feet, “And then we can go visit your mom if you wanna?”  
  
  
Tara’s head ducked.  
  
  
“I haven’t been since I found out I was pregnant.”  
  
  
Willow held each of Tara’s upper arms and squeezed them.  
  
  
“She knows.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed deeply. She hadn’t been to the grave since before the last round of IVF, though she’d thought about it often. So often that it left her upset sometimes.  
  
  
“I’ve been scared,” she admitted.  
  
  
“Scared?” Willow questioned unsurely.  
  
  
“Scared that I’d break down,” Tara answered, her voice suddenly cracking, “Because I want her here. I want her to give me advice and tell me what she did when she was having me. I haven’t missed her this much since I was a child.”  
  
  
She started to sob, which took Willow by surprise. Willow gently gathered her in and stroked her back.  
  
  
“Okay,” she soothed, “It’s okay.”  
  
  
She put the toilet seat down and flushed it, then eased Tara down to sit while she got her some tissue.  
  
  
“Sorry,” Tara said in an embarrassed tone as she dabbed her eyes.  
  
  
Willow kneeled gently and placed her hands on Tara’s knees.  
  
  
“As if you have to apologize to your wife for letting out some feelings.”  
  
  
She pressed a kiss to Tara’s cheek and gently ran her hands up her wife’s thighs, to the point where the towel cut off.  
  
  
“We can go or not go. It’s up to you. But I know your mom is looking down and by your side the whole way.”  
  
  
Willow didn’t know about Tara’s last trip.  
  
  
Tara had been in such despair that she’d started to shut everything out.  
  
  
Everyone.  
  
  
It was a kind of hopelessness she'd never known before, even with all of the trauma she went through in her young life.  
  
  
She hoped she never felt it again.  
  
  
But now she felt guilty she hadn’t returned with the good news and decided quickly that didn’t want to let any more time go to waste.  
  
  
“We’ll go.”  
  
  
“Great!” Willow replied, removing her hands from Tara’s legs, “Well since you’re looking after these two…”  
  
  
She placed her palm on Tara’s belly.  
  
  
“I’ll go take care of the other two.”  
  
  
She stood up, pressing another kiss to Tara’s cheek on the way.  
  
  
“Take your time. Don’t rush. Do you need water or juice or anything?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head, so Willow kissed the top of her messy, wet hair and headed out to finish getting dressed and head downstairs.  
  
  
She looked into the living room and grew suspicious at the peaceful scene. JJ was quietly watching cartoons and Robyn was having a grand old gobbledygook conversation into her toy phone.  
  
  
“Good morning kids. Thanks for breakfast.”  
  
  
“‘Welcome,” JJ replied, uninterested.  
  
  
“Me talk phone, Mom-mah!” Robyn replied tersely and Willow cringed because she knew it wasn’t Tara that Robyn had picked up that snapping back from.  
  
  
“We’re going out for a meal with Grandma and Grandpa in a little bit, so finish up your shows Jake,” Willow advised, “Robbie, I'm getting you dressed soon!”  
  
  
She left the living room and walked into the kitchen, where it was in chaos from the very sweet but also very messy breakfast that had been made.  
  
  
“And there it is,” Willow sighed.  
  
  
She went over and started clearing the counters of the various sticky messes and piles of crumbs.  
  
  
As she was finishing up, Tara came in with the breakfast tray cleared as if every bite had been eaten with glee.  
  
  
“Why is it so quiet?” she asked, leaving the tray down beside the sink, “What did they do?”  
  
  
“Nothing,” Willow answered, taking the dishes into the sink to rinse, “I’ll get Robs ready in a sec. You sit down and have some tea. I bought more of the cinnamon one, you’ve been going through it.”  
  
  
Tara put the kettle on and took down the box of teabags.  
  
  
“It started as a craving but it settles my stomach,” she answered, “One of those ‘your body craves what it needs’ things, I think.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head to herself.  
  
  
“You’re so much healthier than me. All I had when I craved cinnamon was an endless bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”  
  
  
“I have two onboard,” Tara replied, pouring the hot water into her mug, “If I still want to be able to walk in the ninth month, I have to be careful.”  
  
  
A moment later, she felt Willow’s arms close around her belly and some light kisses on the nape of her neck.  
  
  
“I’m very on board with a little chubby baby-makin’ Tara giving me her feet to rub.”  
  
  
“And I will hold you to that, be careful,” Tara replied, looking over her shoulder and tapping Willow’s nose with the warm spoon.  
  
  
Willow leaned in and stole a smooch, then squeezed Tara’s butt as she walked away.  
  
  
Tara grinned to herself as she dunked her tea bag and let it steep. A couple of minutes later, JJ walked in and pulled himself up onto a stool.  
  
  
“I’m hungry.”  
  
  
“Okay, sweetie,” Tara replied, sipping from her tea, “I can cut you up some apple slices or make some pinwheels for the car, but we’ll be eating properly soon at the restaurant.”  
  
  
“Pinwheels, please?” JJ requested.  
  
  
Tara set her cup down and went to the fridge.  
  
  
“Let’s see…” she said as she looked through the contents, “Turkey and hummus, ham and cream cheese or PB&J?”  
  
  
“Turkey,” JJ answered surely, then tacked on again, “Please.”  
  
  
Tara took the turkey, hummus, and pack of wraps over to the counter space she could roll them up together.  
  
  
“Okay, go get dressed and brush your teeth, please. We’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”  
  
  
JJ jumped down and started to walk away, but Tara spoke first.  
  
  
“Jake?”  
  
  
He turned and Tara smiled at him.  
  
  
“Thank you for breakfast this morning, and for including your sister. You’re a great big brother.”  
  
  
He smiled, but ducked his head and hurried out and up the stairs. Tara made half a wrap's worth of pinwheels and put them in a baggie, then got a few minutes to sip her tea before there was another kerfuffle of sound. Robyn came sliding in on the tile in her socks, wearing a t-shirt on her torso correctly, but with her pants on her arms, flapping them about and giggling at the sound they made.  
  
  
Willow followed in after her, red-faced.  
  
  
“Robyn Ruth Rosenberg-Maclay put your pants on right now!”  
  
  
“Please don’t yell,” Tara pleaded softly, “What’s going on?”  
  
  
Willow gestured in frustration.  
  
  
“She won’t put her pants on!”  
  
  
Tara put one hand on Willow’s shoulder, squeezed it, then bent down to Robyn’s level.  
  
  
“We’re all going to meet Grandma and Grandpa in ten minutes. And if you’re not ready to go, you’ll have to stay home with me and we won’t be able to go out. Okay?”  
  
  
Robyn giggled some more and skipped out, still waving her pants legs about like elephant trunks.  
  
  
Willow’s eyes followed her, then looked toward Tara with exasperation.  
  
  
“Uh, that didn’t look like getting ready.”  
  
  
Tara put her cup in the sink, dried her hands on a dishtowel and came over to where Willow was standing.  
  
  
“Willow, darling,” she said, hands cupping both of her wife’s cheeks as she planted a kiss on her lips, “Chill the f out. They’re just pants.”  
  
  
Tara exhaled slowly in lead, and Willow followed, slowly calming.  
  
  
She kissed her again and returned the ass squeeze from earlier to make her wife smile. It worked.  
  
  
Tara went upstairs to gather her things before leaving. She stopped by the living room on the way, where Robyn was now wearing her pants on her head and playing with her dollies.  
  
  
“Don’t forget to get dressed before we have to go in five minutes, Robyn.”  
  
  
Willow lingered nervously by the door, eyes on her watch as more time ticked by.  
  
  
“We’re going in one minute, okay, Robbie?” she said eventually, trying to keep her tone light to mimic Tara's.  
  
  
“O’tay, Mom-mah,” Robyn agreed and leisurely pulled her pants on, then plopped herself down on her butt, “Where Wobbie shoo-es?”  
  
  
Willow practically tripped herself up getting Robyn’s shoes to her and snapped them on. Willow saw Tara pass by and hurried to grab her.  
  
  
“Tell me what witchcraft you’ve studied,” she said, to a confused look from Tara, “She put her pants on!”  
  
  
Tara sighed.  
  
  
“Do you read any of the parenting articles I send you?”  
  
  
“Yes,” Willow replied a bit defensively, then more emphatically, “Yes! Peaceful, careful, encouraging, consenting, trusting—”  
  
  
“What was that last one?” Tara asked, turning her ear in Willow’s direction.  
  
  
“Trusting,” Willow repeated, then had to look contrite, “As in trusting them to make their own decisions. Alright. You got me.”  
  
  
“JJ did the running off half-naked and sometimes fully-naked thing until he was six, you know why?” Tara asked pointedly.  
  
  
“Because I reacted and made it funnier,” Willow replied with a long sigh, “I know, I know.”  
  
  
“We’re about to have four,” Tara said, squeezing Willow’s upper arm, “You’re the best Momma, but we need to make sure we’re working off the same page.”  
  
  
Willow held her hands up.  
  
  
“I get it. You hate when I yell.”  
  
  
“And I hate to see you so frustrated,” Tara continued, holding Willow's face again, “I don’t want a cranky wife or cranky kids. I love you, okay?”  
  
  
Willow nodded and they met for a kiss but were disturbed by Robyn pulling at their legs, then putting her hands on her own hips impatiently.  
  
  
“Mom-mee, Mom-mah, one min, we go! Wobbie weady!”  
  
  
They both looked at each other, holding in grins.  
  
  
“Okay, bean, we’re coming, we’re coming,” Willow said, picking her up, and noticing her shoes were on the wrong feet, “Let’s get you in your seat.”  
  
  
Willow brought Robyn out to the car to strap her in and fix her shoes while Tara moved to the foot of the stairs and called up.  
  
  
“JJ…come on honey.”  
  
  
She waited a moment, then climbed the stairs halfway to help her voice amplify up to the attic.  
  
  
“Jake, come on. Your sister and Momma are in the car waiting.”  
  
  
JJ appeared at the top of the stairs stuffing something into his pockets. He pounded down the stairs, shoes lighting up with each thud of his foot.  
  
  
“Can I get pancakes?”  
  
  
“Yes, if they’re on the menu,” Tara replied hastily as she got them down to the front door.  
  
  
“Can I get chocolate chip pancakes?” JJ asked, tone hopeful.  
  
  
“You can get whatever you want,” Tara replied as she pulled the door closed behind them and locked it.  
  
  
Willow finished strapping Robyn into her car seat and tossed the keys over the car to Tara. Tara got in the driver’s side and waited for Willow and JJ to buckle up.  
  
  
“Everyone ready?” Tara asked before turning the engine on.  
  
  
There was a ‘yes’ and a ‘yep’ from those two, then:  
  
  
“Yay, Mom-mee!” from Robyn, most enthusiastic of the bunch.  
  
  
Tara smiled and reached behind briefly to squeeze Robyn’s little hand since she couldn’t see her in her rear-facing seat. She handed JJ the baggie of pinwheels and told him to share it with his sister.  
  
  
She pulled out of the driveway and headed out of the neighborhood toward the restaurant they’d arranged to meet Ira and Michelle at.  
  
  
“You know we’re going to a restaurant,” Willow commented as she glanced in the mirror.  
  
  
“He was hungry, Willow, was I supposed to leave him hungry?” Tara asked in a tired tone.  
  
  
“For fifteen minutes, sure,” Willow retorted.  
  
  
Tara cast a sidelong glance in Willow’s direction.  
  
  
“Can we not bicker on Mothers’ Day please?”  
  
  
Willow sighed and looked out the window for a few moments, before turning back.  
  
  
She saw her wife’s ashen face and felt a pang of guilt. She placed a hand on Tara’s knee.  
  
  
“How’s the tummy?”  
  
  
“Tolerable,” Tara answered, which meant she was suffering.  
  
  
“Do you want to pull over so I can drive?” Willow offered.  
  
  
Tara just shook her head and focused had. Willow moved her hand from her wife’s knee to her stomach. She slipped under the shirt and rubbed in circles. She helped how she could; entertaining the kids as quietly as possible so Tara wouldn’t get a headache too. She fell back on the old reliable I Spy, which worked enough for the thankfully short journey.  
  
  
Tara carried Robyn inside while they were seated, but turned green before the high chair was brought to them.  
  
  
“Willow could you—”  
  
  
“Go, go,” Willow replied, scooping Robyn out of Tara’s arms, “I’ll get you some tea.”  
  
  
Tara bolted in as graceful a manner as she could. Willow seated the kids and ordered the tea and ice water for the table. The server was still placing menus when Ira and Michelle arrived.  
  
  
“Hi Dad, hi Michelle,” Willow greeted, giving each a hug.  
  
  
“Ganpy!” Robyn squealed excitedly, “Gamma!”  
  
  
Willow settled her down so she wasn’t disturbing the other diners, and sat between her and JJ to keep an eye on both.  
  
  
“Where’s Tara?” Michelle questioned.  
  
  
“She just ran to the bathroom,” Willow replied easily.  
  
  
“Is she alright?” Ira asked with concern.  
  
  
“She’s fine,” Willow replied, throwing a cursory but pointed glance in the kids’ direction.  
  
  
Ira and Michelle shared a look but didn’t push it any further. JJ held the menu, almost bigger than himself, in front of him. It required almost his whole wingspan.  
  
  
“I’m getting the pancakes and the waffles and the sausage and the bacon and—”  
  
  
“That’s too much, JJ,” Willow cut him off, “You won’t be able to finish it all and it won’t keep in a doggy bag. It’s a waste of money.”  
  
  
JJ looked crestfallen.  
  
  
“But!”  
  
  
“Jacob, listen to your mother,” Ira advised sagely and Willow tried not to be annoyed because she knew he was only trying to help.  
  
  
“Mom said I can get whatever I want!” JJ protested.  
  
  
“Mom was assuming you’d be reasonable,” Willow countered.  
  
  
“Mom said—” JJ tried again but Willow interrupted with a stern voice.  
  
  
“JJ, you can pick two half portions of something, or one thing and one side. I don’t want to be fighting when Mom comes back, do you?”  
  
  
JJ slunk back into his seat.  
  
  
“Can I get a dessert?” he asked eventually.  
  
  
Willow sighed.  
  
  
“It’s brunch.”  
  
  
“So?” JJ retorted.  
  
  
Willow had to rein herself in and remind herself he was seven and she was an adult. She wasn’t proud of her temper and did try very hard to ascribe to all of the peaceful parenting methods Tara encouraged.  
  
  
She sometimes resented feeling judged on her sporadic outbursts, but she understood Tara’s pain from her childhood and didn’t envy it for a second.  
  
  
“Okay, JJ. You can pick whatever you want to eat, but you can’t waste any of it. If you don’t finish it, I’ll take it out of your allowance.”  
  
  
She let that marinade with him and got Robyn set up with some coloring crayons. Tara returned to the table and greeted Ira and Michelle. Willow was glad to see a little color back in her cheeks and squeezed her knee under the table. Tara shot back a grateful smile and Willow felt calm again.  
  
  
The server came to get the drinks order.  
  
  
“Champagne for the table?” Ira offered as everyone settled.  
  
  
“Not for me,” Tara interjected.  
  
  
A fond smile broke out on Ira’s face.  
  
  
“Of course not. Can we get you something non-alcoholic? A spritzer perhaps?”  
  
  
“We have a list of juices on the beverage menu,” the server supplied helpfully.  
  
  
Tara quickly scanned the options.  
  
  
“I’ll take a cran/raspberry spritzer but could you mix it with ginger ale?”  
  
  
“Delightful,” Ira replied, and looked to JJ, “And for you, son?”  
  
  
“Dr. Pepper!” JJ replied eagerly, knowing it was one of the few occasions he’d get away with it.  
  
  
“For the little lady?” the server asked.  
  
  
“She has a sippy cup, thank you,” Tara replied.  
  
  
“Want docta peppa!” Robyn replied, having no idea what it was but desperate to be like her big brother.  
  
  
“Okay, Robbie, I’ll put some in your sippy cup,” Willow blatantly lied.  
  
  
Robyn was placated and went back to coloring. The server returned with the drinks for everyone and took their food orders.  
  
  
“Um, can I get the small stack of chocolate chip pancakes with bacon and hash browns,” JJ asked, then cast a wary look to his side, “Is that okay, Momma?”  
  
  
Willow reached over and patted him between the shoulder blades.  
  
  
“That’s fine, Jakey.”  
  
  
“What a polite boy,” their server said with a smile, making JJ blush.  
  
  
“She’ll have some silver dollar pancakes with berries and I’ll have the Eggs Benedict,” Tara replied, indicating between her and Robyn, “No syrup for her.”  
  
  
“Bacon and sausage with biscuits and gravy, please,” Willow said when it came to her turn.  
  
  
Ira sat up excitedly in his chair.  
  
  
“That sounds delicious. For me too please.”  
  
  
“Ira, you know you’re supposed to be keeping your salt down,” Michelle fussed.  
  
  
Ira seemed disappointed but resigned.  
  
  
“Well I am about to be a grandfather of—” he started, then was cut off when Willow kicked him under the table, “Ooof. Well, let’s just say I see the benefit of keeping healthy. Make that a frittata with extra mushrooms.”  
  
  
“I’ll join him,” Michelle said, handing her menu back and turning back to the table when the server left. “So…how is everything?”  
  
  
“It’s good,” Willow answered, non-committal.  
  
  
“Things are…ticking along?” Ira asked, an obvious eagerness in his tone.  
  
  
Willow and Tara exchanged a glance, which turned into a smile.  
  
  
“Things are going very well,” Tara answered finally.  
  
  
Michelle clasped both hands in front of her.  
  
  
“We’re just so thrilled.”  
  
  
“What is everyone talking about?” JJ asked with a confused look etched across his face.  
  
  
Everyone pursed their lips to hold in laughter and just quickly changed the subject.  
  
  
They enjoyed a long lunch with only minimal disruption or meltdown and Tara was feeling calmer, in mind and stomach, as they finished up.  
  
  
“Wait,” JJ interrupted excitedly when the check came, “I wanna pay. I’ve been saving up.”  
  
  
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a variety of low-value bills and coins.  
  
  
“Is that enough?” he asked hopefully.  
  
  
Ira stood and gathered the cash.  
  
  
“That’s the exact right amount,” he said, tapping JJ’s back once as a sign of respect, “I’ll go give it to the waitress.”  
  
  
JJ was very pleased, even when his mothers and grandmother began doting on him.  
  
  
“You’re such a sweet boy,” Tara said, brushing some of his hair aside, “Thank you, JJ.”  
  
  
He accepted quick hugs from them all and let the one with Willow linger for a moment. He was her son, there was no doubt about it. Good and bad.  
  
  
In the parking lot, they discussed the trip east to Rochester to visit the grave and Michelle expressed interest in coming too, so they arranged to meet there and Michelle and Ira set off first.  
  
  
Willow got the kids settled and let them have their respective screens because the long car journey was not worth dealing with otherwise. Willow got into the driver's side without question; Tara was not up for any more time behind the wheel.  
  
  
Tara didn’t speak for the ride, but that wasn’t unusual. She wasn’t the biggest fan of returning to the town she’d grown up in, even for a necessary and usually fulfilling visit such as this.  
  
  
When they finally arrived, Ira and Michelle were waiting in their car and stepped out as the Dodge parked up beside it. Tara and Michelle went forward into the graveyard and Willow walked behind with Robyn to give them a little breathing space.  
  
  
Still standing in the parking lot, Ira pulled JJ back and slipped a $50 bill into his hand.  
  
  
“You have to put that in your piggy bank,” he advised with a wink, “Just between us men.”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes bugged as the bill flapped in the wind. That was multiples more than the cash he'd offered up at the restaurant.  
  
  
“Thanks, Gramps!”  
  
  
He stuffed it in his pocket and hugged Ira. They followed the women into the graveyard and stood back behind Tara’s mother’s grave.  
  
  
Willow held Robyn and stood beside Michelle. Tara kneeled reverently. She placed the flowers they'd bought on the way down next to a set of roses, which she hadn’t even seen Michelle carry. She didn’t think too much of it until Michelle commented.  
  
  
“Those are nice roses. Lisa used to have ones like them in the window all the time.”  
  
  
Tara looked back with an arched eyebrow.  
  
  
“You didn’t leave those?”  
  
  
Michelle shook her head.  
  
  
“No.”  
  
  
“I was here a couple of months ago and there were fresh roses then too,” Tara replied in confusion, “I thought it was you.”  
  
  
“Not me,” Michelle replied, shrugging, “Maybe it’s for the grave beside it.”  
  
  
Tara felt a pang of concern, but there was too much else going on to process it.  
  
  
Everyone said hello and wished Lisa a Happy Mother’s Day, which choked Tara up. As they were finishing their time, she stayed on her knees.  
  
  
“Would you guys mind if I had a moment?”  
  
  
Everyone nodded and left, leaving Tara by herself.  
  
  
She had to take in a few deep breaths, but it didn’t stop tears spring to her eyes.  
  
  
“I’m sorry I haven’t been back,” she said, her voice cracking, “I miss you.”  
  
  
She let out a somewhat-bitter laugh.  
  
  
“Having children, bearing children. I miss you even more.”  
  
  
She hung her head and just appreciated the silence.  
  
  
“I know you can’t do anything about that. I’m going to come back soon. More,” she promised, “I love you, Mom.”  
  
  
She pressed her fingers to her lips, then against the name etched in stone. She stood on slightly shaky legs and pulled herself together.  
  
  
She wondered if any Mother’s Day would ever pass where she didn’t feel the absence.  
  
  
No matter how many children filled her heart, there would always be a part that longed for some connection to her mother.  
  
  
She wasn’t sure it could ever be filled. That she could ever find peace for the connection so cruelly ripped away from her.  
  
  
She was wrong.


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

_**Chapter Five** _  


* * *

Willow winced as an M&M crunched underfoot.  
  
  
It wasn’t the first one she’d smashed into the floorboards and she knew Tara would have her out with the handheld vacuum later to get in-between the crevices later.  
  
  
That wasn’t even taking into account the cake she’d seen being mashed into the couch or the sticky soda that was dripping from the coffee table.  
  
  
They’d always held their kids' birthday parties at home — because event parties became horrendously expensive, horrendously quickly — but Willow was realizing that Tara did _a lot_ of work both pre-, post-, and during all of their previous parties to keep the fun going and their home intact.  
  
  
Willow had happily agreed — nay, volunteered to take on JJ’s eight birthday party when Tara had been so exhausted from morning sickness and general pregnancy woe to even have a proper discussion about it.  
  
  
But as she stood amongst the sea of boys getting hyped up on sugar and fighting over video games, including a bonk on the head with a guitar hero guitar which narrowly avoided a trip to the ER, Willow had had to give in and call in reinforcements.  
  
  
Xander and Jesse were due to arrive after a suggestion that they go to a place where they could show up unannounced with no problem – the grounds of their paintballing league. Willow would stuff them all with McDonald's afterward and happily drop them right to their doors so their own parents could deal with them for the rest of the evening. She would have handed over a month’s salary to get out of this situation.  
  
  
Telling Tara though…she wasn’t looking forward to that.  
  
  
She finally waded through the boys to answer the front door and stopped herself just short of flinging herself at the two men in gratitude.  
  
  
“Thank you for coming.”  
  
  
Jesse offered his easy, broad smile and clapped a friendly arm around Xander’s shoulders.  
  
  
“You kidding? Xander here will amongst his peers. In fact, their conversation might be too advanced for him.”  
  
  
“I have been struggling to keep up with Alex these days,” Xander replied in mock-self-deprecation.  
  
  
Alex, apparently having heard the familiar voice, rushed out into the hall.  
  
  
“Dad! Come see my high score!”  
  
  
Xander nodded that he would and Willow stepped toward the stairs.  
  
  
“Can you just gather everyone into cars? I’m just going to tell Tara we’re leaving.”  
  
  
They both gave her a thumbs up and made their way into the masses to try and exert some semblance of control.  
  
  
Willow went through the kiddie gate and up the stairs to their bedroom, where Tara was lying with a sleeping Robyn.  
  
  
Robyn had _not_ been happy that all of the big boys were excluding her and turned herself red from screaming crying until Tara had removed her and brought her upstairs for a nap.  
  
  
Robyn’s cheeks were still red but she was out cold, curled up like a cat; a position she liked to get in when she was in their bed, usually when sneaking in at 3 am.  
  
  
Quite cute to see, but also, Willow had found, slightly terrifying when you wake up and unexpectedly find her at your feet. Willow was always afraid she’d kick her daughter in the head one morning.  
  
  
Tara was lying with her head at the end of the bed so that she could stroke Robyn’s hair. She was half-asleep herself, her eyes closed and her hand just following the repetitive motion.  
  
  
Willow sat opposite them on the bed and the movement of the sagging made Tara’s eyes flicker open.  
  
  
Willow waved her fingers silently, and Tara took a moment to wake herself.  
  
  
She glanced at Robyn to see what state she was in and gently cupped her ear to hide any sound. Willow saw and took the opportunity to speak, albeit quietly.  
  
  
“Why does she do that?” she asked, gesturing to the way Robyn was curled up.  
  
  
Tara shrugged one shoulder.  
  
  
“She’s comfortable.”  
  
  
Willow held a hand up, helplessly.  
  
  
“She sleeps right in her own bed…she sleeps right when she goes down on the couch…”  
  
  
“She’s sleeping right now, it’s just a different position,” Tara defended, “If I had a problem with awkward bed positions I never would have married you, Ms. Hokey Pokey.”  
  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Willow asked indignantly.  
  
  
“I put my right leg in, I put my right leg out…” Tara said in a whispered sing-song voice, “I do the hokey pokey and annoy my wife to death.”  
  
  
Willow lifted her chin haughtily.  
  
  
“Well, I’m sorry that my hypothalamus isn’t as flawless with temperature regulation as yours is.”  
  
  
They shared a smile.  
  
  
Willow put her hand on Tara’s waist and gently rubbed her hip, above her pants.  
  
  
“I’m taking the boys out with Xander and Jesse. Let them be rambunctious on someone else’s turf.”  
  
  
“Where?” Tara asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
  
Willow smiled nervously.  
  
  
“…paintballing.”  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara clicked her tongue quietly, “We said we’d speak about that first.”  
  
  
Willow covered Tara’s hand with hers.  
  
  
“Sweetheart, I know you hate guns. And I know why, I know why the most,” she stopped and swallowed, “But making it a ‘thing’…it just makes him want it more. And honey, it’s just some paint. What did you tell me? Chill the f out.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t look too impressed to have her words thrown back at her but also didn’t continue to argue.  
  
  
“Can you handle it?”  
  
  
Willow looked nervous again.  
  
  
“Twelve 8-year-old boys…paint guns…what can go wrong?”  
  
  
Tara’s other eyebrow met the first up by her hairline, and Willow tried to look reassuring.  
  
  
“Xan and Jess will help me out,” she said quickly, “I’ll pay them in burgers and fries. Really, it’s all good.”  
  
  
She brushed her fingers along the expanse of skin revealed from her top riding up.  
  
  
“I’m locking the living room door. Please don’t go in there. I’ll clean it when we get back.”  
  
  
She leaned down and placed a kiss on her deceptively angelic-looking daughter’s face.  
  
  
“Momma loves you,” she whispered.  
  
  
She leaned in and pressed another lingering kiss on Tara’s lips.  
  
  
“Momma loves you too.”  
  
  
Her hand scooted around and pressed against Tara’s belly.  
  
  
“And you two!” she said with a giddy smile, “Geddit?”  
  
  
Tara rolled her eyes but was smiling. Willow gently rubbed her hand in circles.  
  
  
“You’re getting a bump. I noticed it in bed last night. It ‘bumped’ against me, so to speak.”  
  
  
She gave it a little pat and stood.  
  
  
“I better go. I’ll bring dinner home. Anything in particular you want or don’t want, or maybe more specifically what the babies don’t want?”  
  
  
“Burgers and fries actually sound pretty good,” Tara admitted.  
  
  
Willow leaned back over and kissed Tara’s forehead.  
  
  
“Got it. I’ll get us nicer ones than I’m feeding the kids. See you later.”  
  
  
“Be careful,” Tara returned and waved her fingers the exact same way Willow had on her entrance, then went back to stroking Robyn’s hair.  
  
  
She told herself it was to comfort her little girl, but really she got plenty of comfort from it herself.  
  
  
Her daughter’s strawberry-blonde locks were still silken to the touch, even when it was mussed up and wild. It curled up and tickled Robyn’s rosy cheeks so every so often her nostrils would flare like she was about to sneeze.  
  
  
Tara alternated watching Robyn sleep and resting her own eyes.  
  
  
After one such rest, her eyelids fluttered open to find a turquoise pair staring back.  
  
  
Robyn was calmly sucking on her pacifier, in fact, it was likely the only reason she was calm. They’d had JJ off the pacifier before his first birthday but Robyn’s binky may as well have been surgically attached to her. It was something they were slowly working on.  
  
  
“Hey little bean,” Tara greeted, leaning down to rub her face on her daughter’s cheek, “Did you have a nice nap?  
  
  
Robyn nodded and reached up to play with Tara’s hair. Tara put her head down by Robyn’s so she didn’t have to stretch her tiny arms.  
  
  
They had a few quiet moments together until Tara woke up properly.  
  
  
“What would you like to do today, Robbie?”  
  
  
Robyn garbled something and Tara had to gently tap the handle of the pacifier to remind her.  
  
  
“You have to take binky out to speak, baby.”  
  
  
Robyn hooked her pinky into the handle and pulled the pacifier out.  
  
  
“Kih’chen.”  
  
  
Tara smiled knowingly. Robyn had loved making JJ’s birthday cake the day before.  
  
  
“And what do you want to do in the kitchen?”  
  
  
Robyn gave it some thought.  
  
  
“Uppie pie!”  
  
  
“You wanna help Mommy make some whoopie pies?” Tara asked with appropriate enthusiasm.  
  
  
Robyn nodded keenly.  
  
  
“Yah.”  
  
  
“Hmm…” Tara replied, pretending not-very-seriously to ponder it, “Okay!”  
  
  
Robyn kicked her feet and clapped.  
  
  
“Yay!”  
  
  
Tara ran a quick brush through Robyn’s hair — because if she didn’t stay on top of it regularly throughout the day, there would be tears at bedtime — and brought her downstairs into the kitchen.  
  
  
The living room door was shut firmly closed and the kitchen had some remnants of the mess left behind – an open bag of chips, a bowl of melted ice-cream, some randomly strewn confetti stuck to the floor and a withering balloon floating about like tumbleweed.  
  
  
“Mess-ee,” Robyn commented, used to the kitchen being quite pristine.  
  
  
Tara looked down at Robyn standing by her leg, then back up.  
  
  
“Yes, it is. I guess we better clean it up.”  
  
  
“O-tay!” Robyn agreed and skipped off to get her special miniature dustpan and brush.  
  
  
She sat by a pile of confetti and very importantly swept it all up.  
  
  
Tara cleaned up everything else in just a few minutes and praised Robyn for her help. She turned the oven on and took out a few bits of equipment.  
  
  
“Now, what do we do before we ever start cooking?”  
  
  
Robyn did jazz hands and Tara smiled.  
  
  
“That’s right, we wash our hands.”  
  
  
She turned the faucet on in the sink and lifted Robyn to wash her hands, then handed her a towel to dry with while she washed her own.  
  
  
When they were all washed up, she lifted Robyn onto the counter beside her and gave her the large mixing bowl.  
  
  
“You have to be my chief mixer, okay?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded, stretching her arms around to cover the whole circumference of the bowl.  
  
  
Tara got the dry ingredients in the bowl and turned to mix the wet ones together to make it easier for Robyn to stir it in. She was only turned for a few seconds, but when she turned back Robyn had managed to get flour all over herself and the counter.  
  
  
Tara put her hands on her hips, but Robyn just offered a toothy grin and a giggle. Tara couldn’t help but smile.  
  
  
“What am I going to do with you?”  
  
  
Robyn giggled again.  
  
  
Tara tried to suppress her grin and brought the bowl of wet ingredients over.  
  
  
“Are you going to mix properly?”  
  
  
“Yeh, Mom-mee,” Robyn replied, holding up the wooden spoon, “Pwomise.”  
  
  
Tara felt her heart do the fluttery thing only three people in the world could induce. She slowly added the mixture from the bowl and Robyn did her best to navigate the spoon, even though it was as long as her arm.  
  
  
Tara closed her fingers around the top of the spoon and together they stirred until the cookie mixture cohesively came together.  
  
  
Tara dropped spoonfuls onto the baking sheet, and Robyn clapped and counted each time it connected. She got all the way to ten by herself, which was mostly down to observing Willow’s obsessive counting.  
  
  
“Eleven,” Tara continued as she scooped up the last of the mixture, “Twelve.”  
  
  
“Welve!” Robyn cheered happily.  
  
  
“Now, Mommy has to put them in the oven,” Tara warned, “We never ever touch the oven alone, yes?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded once, sure, but her eyes were on the bowl the remnants of the cookie dough. Tara closed the oven and just put the bowl in Robyn’s lap.  
  
  
She was already dirty; she may as well go the whole hog.  
  
  
Robyn’s eyes brightened; she usually got the spoon to lick, but never the whole bowl. Her hands immediately went in and got pieces of stuck dough all over. She licked them like a popsicle, giggling the whole way through.  
  
  
It was so cute that Tara took her phone out to take a video to show to Willow later. She quickly whipped up the marshmallow center and washed all of the other dishes, and finally the practically-licked-clean-already bowl from Robyn.  
  
  
When they were done she stood in front of her very messy daughter with her hands loosely on her hips.  
  
  
“What’s next?”  
  
  
Robyn looked from side to side, then shrugged.  
  
  
“Ess-kees?”  
  
  
Tara couldn’t keep her smile in this time. She leaned down to give Robyn an Eskimo kiss, as requested.  
  
  
Robyn nuzzled back, wearing the exact same smile as her mother.  
  
  
“Who loves you?” Tara asked softly.  
  
  
“Mom-meeeee!” Robyn proclaimed with her tongue through her teeth.  
  
  
“And?” Tara prompted.  
  
  
Robyn’s face lit up.  
  
  
“Mom-mah!”  
  
  
“And?” Tara asked again.  
  
  
“Jay-Jay!” Robyn said, giddy with the excitement of it all.  
  
  
Tara held up her hands.  
  
  
“And how much do we love you?”  
  
  
Robyn stretched her arms up above her head.  
  
  
“Moon an’ back!”  
  
  
Tara lifted Robyn and held her.  
  
  
“That’s exactly right,” she said, holding up a sticky hand, “And now someone is getting a BATH.”  
  
  
The timer on the oven went off and Tara used a single hand to put on an oven glove, take out the tray and used tongs to put the cookies on the cooling rack she’d left out.  
  
  
No one juggled better than a parent of a clingy toddler.  
  
  
Robyn tried to reach out and grab one of the cooling cakes, but Tara shifted her body and dodged it before they connected.  
  
  
“These are for everyone for dessert. You can have one after dinner, okay?”  
  
  
Robyn pouted, and though she could be a carbon copy of Tara at times, Willow’s influence could still clearly be seen.  
  
  
“C’mon little bean, bath time.”  
  
  
Robyn cuddled under Tara’s chin and kept sucking her fingers to get any hint of cookie before the bath washed it away.  
  
  
Tara undressed her and put all the clothes into a pile to pre-soak before she washed them. She ran a warm, shallow bath and sat Robyn in with her basket of bath toys.  
  
  
Whilst Robyn’s dolphin and ducky explored the great expanse of tub water, Tara scrubbed her daughter’s body and washed her hair so she wouldn’t have to have another bath later on.  
  
  
Willow had been amazing in picking up the slack Tara couldn’t manage, but she knew both of them would be exhausted that night.  
  
  
Celebrating their children’s birthdays made for warm memories and weary legs.  
  
  
When Robyn was clean and glistening, Tara took the blue tang fish toy and added it to the adventures of Chilly Bill and Quack. She let the plastic fish wade alone for a few moments while she used the facilities in the bathroom.  
  
  
“Mom-mee go pee-pee?” Robyn asked curiously.  
  
  
“Yes, honey,” Tara answered absently.  
  
  
Eventually, the water grew cold so Tara lifted Robyn out and wrapped her into her towel-robe to let her run off to her room and pick out clothes.  
  
  
Tara emptied and wiped down the bath then followed her, where Robyn had chosen a tutu, green leggings and a purple tank top with her favorite cartoon character on it.  
  
  
Tara used a tickle match as a guise to dry Robyn down, who hollered and squealed in delight.  
  
  
She let Tara put her into her top but balked when Tara tried to get her into a new diaper.  
  
  
“Bad dipe-y.”  
  
  
Tara checked it and didn’t see anything wrong.  
  
  
“Just like you always wear, sweetie.”  
  
  
She tried again, but Robyn pushed it away and shook her head.  
  
  
“No dipe-y,” she said quite insistently, “Go like Mommy.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Tara replied, understanding what her daughter was trying to communicate, “Okay.”  
  
  
She brought Robyn back to the bathroom and lifted her up onto the toilet. She could have easily fallen into the bowl, so Tara helped hold her hands over the lip of the seat.  
  
  
“So when you feel like you’ve gotta go, you come up and sit here. Do you have to go?”  
  
  
Robyn kicked her legs and shrugged. Tara sat cross-legged in front, still holding onto Robyn, to wait it out. She knew a baby with no bladder control wouldn’t take long for something to be released.  
  
  
Sure enough, after a few minutes passed, there was a brief tinkle.  
  
  
Robyn grinned and Tara clapped her hands as she lifted her down.  
  
  
“Good girl! Now there’s something else we have to do,” she said and reached for the kiddie wipes, “Can you take one of these?”  
  
  
Robyn plucked one and Tara set the pack back by the sink. Robyn started to wipe her hands but Tara stopped her and showed her how to pat, pat, pat. Robyn seemed to get it but Tara knew it would take a lot of reinforcing to get it down.  
  
  
She brought Robyn back to her room to finish getting dressed.  
  
  
“Let’s put on a dipe-y just in case you really have to go,” Tara said kindly, “But you come tell Momma or me if you need to go and we’ll bring you to the big girl potty if you want, okay?”  
  
  
“Me big girl,” Robbie grinned as she was taped into her diaper.  
  
  
“You are,” Tara encouraged, “Such a big girl.”  
  
  
It would be a helpful narrative to push when it came time to tell her about the babies.  
  
  
Tara brought Robyn back downstairs, and she couldn’t help herself. She peeked into the living room. Her stomach churned and she knew she couldn’t leave it, so she settled Robyn in her playpen and put on her favorite cartoon.  
  
  
It took her an hour, but she was glad she did it because things were starting to cake in — pardon the pun, she thought to herself. Despite smiling, she actually had to sit and take a break between scrubbing the couch as it needed so much elbow grease to get that buttercream gone.  
  
  
She could have easily closed her eyes again and let the TV babysit for a quick burst of sleep, but she had things she wanted to do before Willow and JJ were home again.  
  
  
Willow was bringing home dinner, so she was glad she had no food to prepare. But laundry needed to be done and she felt everywhere needed a good mop.  
  
  
She stood up after her session attacking the couch, and immediately the room began spinning. The back of her calves hit against the cushions and she sunk back down. She could feel her heart pounding and a cold sweat form on her brow.  
  
  
“Whoa.”  
  
  
She took a hazy look around and spotted the juice box she’d given Robyn sitting on the floor beside her. She reached and closed a shaky hand around it, then sucked the straw so hard the box crumpled in her hand.  
  
  
Robyn looked over and frowned.  
  
  
“Wobbie juice,” she said somewhat sternly, but it turned into a smile, “Wobbie share.”  
  
  
Tara had to close her eyes to let the world come back to a stationary position. She knew she was coming to again when she imagined Willow correcting her about the constant movement of the Earth and giving her precise calculations of how fast they were really spinning at that point in time.  
  
  
She sat up, slower this time, and patted Robyn’s head.  
  
  
“Thank you, sweetheart.”  
  
  
She was embarrassed by how dehydrated she’d let herself get and scolded herself for not realizing sooner. Taking another few minutes to let the juice settle, she got up again but moved slower and didn’t tend to the chores. She filled a water bottle to have on hand and finished making up the cookies. She put a few into a Tupperware and went back into Robyn.  
  
  
“Come on, bean, let’s go for a visit.”  
  
  
She held Robyn on her hip and left the house, locking the door behind her. She walked across the street and down a few hours and knocked on the door of the elderly lady that lived there.  
  
  
Tara had been making a habit of calling in since a piece of mail had been misdelivered and caused their paths to cross. Tara, being so very naturally emphatic, could tell the woman appreciated having someone to talk to. She had children, but they all lived out of state. Tara hated to think of anyone becoming lonely. She’d lived that life. She wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  
  
  
She knocked on the door and waited politely for the older woman to answer.  
  
  
She was in her eighties but sprite on her feet, tiny (probably under five foot) with white hair, a gold chain she wore always around her neck and the same style of cardigan and slacks she wore every day.  
  
  
“Hello Mrs. Potts,” Tara greeted, “Say hello baby.”  
  
  
Robyn’s little fingers wiggled.  
  
  
“‘lo!”  
  
  
“Tara, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Myra,” the older lady said with warm affection.  
  
  
Tara held up the Tupperware.  
  
  
“We made some cookies and thought you might like some,” she said, then smiled when an unfamiliar dog popped up behind Myra’s legs, “Oh, hello. Who’s this?”  
  
  
“My new companion,” Myra said fondly, looking down at the young beagle/jack russell cross, though she imagined he had an even more colorful lineage than what she was told.  
  
  
“Dogggg!” Robyn exclaimed and immediately lunged, “Woofy!”  
  
  
Tara grabbed her before she made contact.  
  
  
“Hey, bean. You can’t pet any doggies unless their owner says it’s okay.”  
  
  
Robyn looked up to Myra with her hypnotizing bright eyes.  
  
  
“Pet woofy pwease?”  
  
  
Myra nodded.  
  
  
“Go right ahead, young lady.”  
  
  
Robyn tumbled in and plopped herself down on her butt so she could stroke the dog. He lay down at her feet and accepted it.  
  
  
“What’s his name?” Tara questioned.  
  
  
“None yet, he only arrived to me this morning,” Myra answered.  
  
  
“Guh woofy,” Robyn complimented, patting his head.  
  
  
“Well your daughter offers a fine suggestion,” Myra said, watching them interact, “Hello Woofy.”  
  
  
The dog turned his attention to the older lady, who smiled.  
  
  
“Woofy it is.”  
  
  
They would never know the original owners had called him ‘Woody’ and that Robyn’s inadvertent letter-replacement would bestow him with a name that he would recognize.  
  
  
“Come in, come in,” Myra insisted, closing the door behind Tara, “Tea?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Yes please.”  
  
  
Tara moved in the same direction and motioned for Robyn to follow her. Robyn skipped after her mother.  
  
  
“Come Woofy!”  
  
  
The dog trotted along behind Robyn until Tara settled her in a corner to play with the dog, who seemed to be lapping up the attention.  
  
  
Myra made some tea in an old fashioned pot and brought it to the table.  
  
  
“I love your cozy,” Tara complimented the knitted strawberry clinging to the pot.  
  
  
Myra smiled as she set a cup and saucer in front of Tara. She sat opposite her and poured in the tea.  
  
  
“So,” she said casually as she poured her own, “How far along are you?”  
  
  
Tara had been about to take a sip and almost choked. She cleared her throat several times, eyes wide.  
  
  
“How did you—”  
  
  
Myra patted Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“You don’t get to my age without recognizing a thing or two,” she said wisely.  
  
  
Tara held the cup in both hands and shook her head to herself in surprise.  
  
  
“Eight weeks,” she said eventually.  
  
  
“Twins?” Myra asked, smiling secretly.  
  
  
“How—” Tara started to reply but knew better almost instantly, “Yes.”  
  
  
She cocked her head toward Robyn.  
  
  
“She doesn’t know. Only we and our parents do.”  
  
  
“You don’t get to my age either without keeping a secret or two either,” Myra replied, sipping from her cup, “Don’t worry about her, she’s a gentle little thing. What wonderful news. Congratulations.”  
  
  
Tara smiled shyly.  
  
  
“I’m very excited. We’re very excited. It was a bit of a tough slog but now we have twice the blessings.”  
  
  
“My Jane had twins, must be about your boy’s age,” Myra replied, “How old is he now?”  
  
  
“Eight today,” Tara replied with a smile, “Wow, the years have really gone by so quick.”  
  
  
“Oh, it’s his birthday, how lovely,” Myra replied, “I hope I’m not keeping you from a party.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“His Momma took him off with all his pals.”  
  
  
“Does he do a paper route or anything?” Myra asked.  
  
  
“I don’t think he even knows real newspapers still exist,” Tara joked, then motioned typing on a keyboard, “Willow has him…coding or whatever it’s called, and all that stuff.”  
  
  
“Well if he’s interested in taking on a daily job, I’ll be needing someone to take young Woofy here out,” Myra mused, “My old legs aren’t able for much. If he’s allowed, of course.”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“He can walk around the neighborhood or go to the park alone. He’s been bugging us for a dog, so I bet he’d love to.”  
  
  
Myra got that secretive smile on her face again.  
  
  
“You send him over to me and we’ll have a little talk.”  
  
  
Before Tara could reply, Robyn’s delighted laughter filled the room as Woofy brought a toy to Robyn to play with.  
  
  
“Isn’t that just a joyous sound?” Myra remarked thoughtfully.  
  
  
Tara had been keeping an eye on the two, but both of them seemed relaxed.  
  
  
“He’s great with her. He must have been with kids before.”  
  
  
“The lady at the shelter told me the family just up and left him,” Myra sighed, “He was only found because he burrowed out of the back yard. But he’s stayed such a happy little thing. Only a pup still.”  
  
  
Tara’s jaw clenched.  
  
  
“I don’t know how anyone can treat an animal like that.”  
  
  
“Especially such a placid little fella like him,” Myra replied, shaking her head, “You bring that sweet girl over whenever you like. I think they’ve bonded.”  
  
  
Tara was happy to see Robyn being so gentle with the dog. A baby and a puppy all in one was cuteness overload, even if they were both bigger versions of each.  
  
  
Tara finished her tea, and another cup as she visited with Myra. When it was time to head home, she went and kneeled by Robyn.  
  
  
“Robbie, you have to say bye-bye to Woofy now. We have to go home.”  
  
  
Robyn’s face turned toward her and her lower lip jutted out, trembling. Tara put a hand on her back and patted it.  
  
  
“We’ll come to visit again, okay?”  
  
  
Robyn wasn’t happy and tried to fight her way out.  
  
  
“Robyn, do not kick ever,” Tara said firmly, holding her daughter out so it missed her stomach, “Robyn Ruth I said stop.”  
  
  
Robyn’s face tensed; Mommy having that tone of voice was serious business. She stopped resisting.  
  
  
“Will you say thank you to Mrs. Potts for letting you play with Woofy please?” Tara asked, voice softer again.  
  
  
“Tant-too,” Robyn said, hollowly, “Bye-Bye Woofy.”  
  
  
Tara let her down to pet him goodbye and couldn’t help but smile when he nuzzled in. He was a sweet little thing, and she was very glad Myra was going to have some company around the house. They said goodbye and Tara brought Robyn home and sat her on the couch.  
  
  
“You never, ever kick or hit or try to hurt someone,” she said sternly but clearly, “I know you were angry because you wanted to keep playing with Woofy, but it was time for us to come home. You have to listen when I say something so no one gets hurt. Do you understand?”  
  
  
Robyn’s head bobbed solemnly.  
  
  
“Next time you’re mad you can tell me with your words or hold yourself tight like this,” Tara suggested, wrapping her arms around herself in a demonstration, “But when you hit, it hurts me. You don’t want to hurt me, do you?”  
  
  
Robyn sniffled and shook her head. Tara hated her heartbroken little face.  
  
  
“Can Mommy have a hug?”  
  
  
Robyn all but flung herself at Tara, who gathered her up against her chest. She swung around and sat on the couch, rubbing Robyn’s back.  
  
  
“Thank you, Robbie.”  
  
  
She used her other hand to check her phone and saw a text in from Willow.  
  
  
“Are you hungry sweetpea?” she asked tenderly, “Momma’s coming home with JJ and she’s bringing French fries.”  
  
  
“Fwies!” Robyn replied excitedly, her mood instantly shifting.  
  
  
“Let’s go wash our hands,” Tara suggested, “You can try the big girl potty again.”  
  
  
They went upstairs and got ready for dinner. She put the kids' plates on the coffee table to eat and went into the kitchen to finally get that load of laundry on.  
  
  
“We’re home!” Willow called when they walked in, and Robyn pounced on her for fries and to bend her ear off with toddler babble.  
  
  
Willow was patient and listened as she doled out the kids’ food but eventually tore herself away and into the kitchen with the second bag of food.  
  
  
“I got us the nicer stuff from the restaurant across the street…” she started, then looked around the empty kitchen, confused, “Tara?”  
  
  
Tara came out of the laundry room, carrying a hamper of folded clothes.  
  
  
“Hey, how was it?”  
  
  
“Eh,” Willow replied with a one-shoulder shrug, taking the hamper she didn’t think Tara should have been carrying in the first place.  
  
  
Tara arched an eyebrow.  
  
  
“Willow…”  
  
  
Willow’s face slowly lit up.  
  
  
“It was awesome! Like a NERF fight but you get to splat! splat! splat!”  
  
  
She mimicked shooting the gun, then reined herself in.  
  
  
“It was okay.”  
  
  
Tara let out a slow, soft sigh.  
  
  
“Guess I’m going to have to get over it. I’m glad you all had fun.”  
  
  
Willow caught Tara’s wrist and pulled her in.  
  
  
“Tara, you cleaned. I believe I specifically said not to.”  
  
  
“Don’t worry, you can rub my feet later,” Tara teased, “I’ve been run off them all day.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth, closed it, then glanced back at the door.  
  
  
“Did Robyn say she used the toilet?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah, she just asked me kind of out of the blue,” she said, shrugging softly, “I guess we’re potty training now.”  
  
  
“Yay,” Willow replied with about as much enthusiasm as she felt when her father starting going on about bonds.  
  
  
“It’s good to get it done before the babies arrive,” Tara reasoned, “Though it may be something she drops again until she’s ready. I figured we’d just go with it. We might even get the binky gone while we’re at it.”  
  
  
“Yeah, Thing 1 and Thing 2 will have enough diapers to go around,” Willow sighed, then frowned, “She said something about huffing too. I’m hoping I heard that wrong.”  
  
  
“You did, she said ‘Woofy’. A new dog across the street we met,” Tara explained, “How would you feel about JJ walking him around the park after school? She’ll give him a couple of bucks. I thought it was a nice idea. He’s a sweet dog, too. Look.”  
  
  
Tara took her phone out to show her the photos.  
  
  
“Oh what a sweetheart,” Willow commented fondly, “Woofy. Heh. That’s a funny name.”  
  
  
“Robyn named him actually,” Tara replied, “Not that she knows it. How do you feel about the dog walking?”  
  
  
Willow handed the phone back.  
  
  
“That’s fine with me. I’m not into child labor but if he’s happy to do it and it helps that lady out…I know you look out for her. Because you’re kind and sweet and wonderful and all the other reasons I married you.”  
  
  
Tara took a step inward but lost her footing for a moment. Willow caught her by the waist.  
  
  
“Whoa, you okay?”  
  
  
Tara put her hands on Willow’s shoulders to steady herself. She reminded herself she was really going to have to stay hydrated going into the summer months. She cocked her head at Willow’s concerned face, which was just all too adorable. Her hands moved around so her fingers gently pulled at the hairs on the nape of Willow’s neck.  
  
  
“You look so good you’re making me dizzy.”  
  
  
Willow glanced down at her loose jeans and blue-and-white striped shirt.  
  
  
“Well, you’re clearly delirious too because my clothes couldn’t be more mom-ish if they tried.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes glanced downward, lingering on the curve of Willow’s breast for a second too long.  
  
  
“I like a nice MILF.”  
  
  
“Oh you do, do you?” Willow smirked and blushed at the same time.  
  
  
Tara pressed her body into Willow’s.  
  
  
“Well, truth be told…just one.”  
  
  
Willow couldn’t help it; her body reacted to Tara’s being so close. Her wife had been having intermittent headaches and terrified they’d turn into migraines again, Willow had been leaving Tara asleep in the dark instead of trying to get amorous.  
  
  
“Someone seems like they’re headache-less tonight,” Willow said, needing to lick her lips for moisture.  
  
  
Tara leaned in so she was just loud enough for Willow to hear.  
  
  
“I’m throbbing somewhere else.”  
  
  
Willow gulped.  
  
  
“There’s that whack of pregnancy hormones I remember.”  
  
  
Tara lifted Willow’s chin and planted a kiss on her lips. It was searing and smoldering and lasted just long enough to give some satisfaction without tipping over into frustration.  
  
  
“That’ll have to keep me satisfied for a while,” Tara said, pecking Willow’s lips softly again.  
  
  
Willow was still hanging onto the front ends of Tara’s shirt.  
  
  
“Oh, Momma’s up for an early night.”  
  
  
She leaned in again, but right before their lips connected Willow’s eyes widened at something over Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“Are those whoopie pies?” she asked excitedly, “You know why they’re called whoopie pies, right?”  
  
  
Tara arched an eyebrow and Willow grinned goofily.  
  
  
“Because when I see one I go ‘whoopie!’”  
  
  
She giggled and Tara’s eyes slowly clouded with fresh affection.  
  
  
“You’re my whoopie pie,” she said, bumping her nose against Willow’s.  
  
  
Willow would have melted were Tara not holding her up.  
  
  
“Baby…” she smiled from ear-to-ear.  
  
  
Tara kissed the corner of Willow’s mouth, a soft but intimate exchange.  
  
  
“All these years are flying by us, sometimes it’s nice to just stop and appreciate the moment.”  
  
  
“I appreciate every moment I spend with you,” Willow whispered back, “Even if I don’t say it enough.”  
  
  
“I love you,” Tara said tenderly.  
  
  
“Love you,” Willow answered and they just breathed together for a moment.  
  
  
They had at least six seconds until screeching came from the living room.  
  
  
“Mom, Robyn threw her cheeseburger at me!”  
  
  
They both looked at each other, grinned and broke apart with a final peck.  
  
  
Loving or challenging, they wouldn’t trade a moment of their lives for anything.  
  
  
Tara rolled up her sleeves.  
  
  
“You take big, I'll take little.”  
  
  
“On it,” Willow smiled in response.  
  
  
“But hold that thought,” Tara advised with an arched eyebrow.  
  
  
Willow winked as they walked toward the chaos.  
  
  
“Held in perpetuity.”


	11. Chapter 11

* * *

_**Chapter Six** _   


* * *

Willow was cleaning up after a delightful family breakfast, which was followed by a not-so-delightful bout of morning sickness for Tara.  
  
  
She was contemplating whether to take the kids out for some fresh air before they went to the Harris household for their annual Fourth of July BBQ when JJ suddenly appeared and swung himself up onto a stool at the island.  
  
  
“Momma?”  
  
  
“Yeah, bud?” Willow asked with a smile as she wiped the marble down opposite him.  
  
  
JJ clasped his hands in front of him and his thumbs circled around each other. He sat there silently with his eyes downcast.  
  
  
Willow dropped the cloth into the sink and leaned over to give her son her full attention.  
  
  
“Jakey?” she prompted softly when he continued not to speak.  
  
  
JJ looked up and started biting a corner of his finger.  
  
  
“Is Mom pregnant?”  
  
  
Willow blinked once, her face remaining entirely neutral.  
  
  
“What makes you ask that?”  
  
  
JJ shrugged both shoulders heavily.  
  
  
“I hear her throwing up all the time like you did when you were pregnant with Robyn. But a lot more.”  
  
  
Willow exhaled a soft breath.  
  
  
“I didn’t know that you remembered that.”  
  
  
Willow straightened up, thought for a moment, then came and sat beside JJ.  
  
  
“I’m going to be honest with you,” she said, covering one of his hands with hers, “Yes, Mom is pregnant.”  
  
  
JJ heaved out a long breath.  
  
  
“So we’re…having a baby?”  
  
  
Willow’s face brightened at his phrasing.  
  
  
“Honestly, Jakey, we’re having two. They’re twins.”  
  
  
JJ’s face became skittish.  
  
  
“Are they boys or girls?”  
  
  
Willow held up her hands.  
  
  
“We don’t know yet. But we do know they’ll be identical. Which do you want?”  
  
  
JJ’s brow began to furrow in deep concentration.  
  
  
“Well, two more girls is… _a lot_ of girls.”  
  
  
“It would be a lot of girls, huh?” Willow agreed with a nod, trying not to laugh.  
  
  
JJ seemed to contemplate it some more.  
  
  
“But I’d never have to share my room.”  
  
  
Willow couldn't help it; the laugh released.  
  
  
“Always look on the bright side, that’s my boy,” she said, pulling JJ in under her chin for a hug, “Tara’s boy for sure. Thanks for coming to talk to me when you felt worried. Do you have any other questions?”  
  
  
JJ fought out of the hug but was smiling with his tongue between his teeth.  
  
  
“Can I have a Dr Pepper?”  
  
  
He waited for the inevitable refusal but Willow’s lips twitched mischievously for a second and she went to the fridge to take out the bottle and pour him a cup.  
  
  
“This is between you and me,” she said as JJ looked on with wide-eyed surprise.  
  
  
He clasped the cup with both hands and drank it back before it was taken away.  
  
  
Tara chose that moment to enter and spied the bottle in Willow’s hands and her son’s eager chugging.  
  
  
“10 am soda,” she said with a tense brow and narrowed eyes directed at Willow, “I guess we’re celebrating independence from civility today too.”  
  
  
Willow smiled awkwardly.  
  
  
“I told him about Thing 1 and Thing 2.”  
  
  
Tara’s whole face fell as she came to stand over them.  
  
  
“Willow,” she said in a quiet but stern chastising voice.  
  
  
JJ’s eyes darted between his mothers in concern, sensing the shift in energy.  
  
  
“It’s not Momma’s fault, I asked!”  
  
  
“That’s sweet JJ, but you didn’t do anything wrong,” Willow reassured and rubbed his arm.  
  
  
Tara quickly placed her hand on JJ’s back and rubbed it.  
  
  
“No, honey, you didn’t,” she comforted softly and released a slow breath, “Well, how do you feel about being a big brother again?”  
  
  
JJ seemed to relax under the simultaneous attention.  
  
  
“I guess it’s cool,” he said eventually with a hint of a smile.  
  
  
“He wants girls so he doesn’t have to share his room,” Willow said fondly.  
  
  
“As good a reason as any,” Tara laughed and looked him in the eye, “Do you think you can keep our secret a little longer?”  
  
  
JJ nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah, I guess.”  
  
  
Tara enveloped JJ in a hug and he obliged in returning it.  
  
  
Willow put her hands on her hips.  
  
  
“Why does she get a hug?”  
  
  
JJ pulled away from Tara a little self-consciously.  
  
  
“Because you’re s’posed to be extra polite to pregnant ladies like giving up your seat and stuff.”  
  
  
“Thank you JJ,” Tara said softly and kissed the top of his head, “Finish your drink and go get dressed okay? We’re leaving soon.”  
  
  
“Okay,” JJ agreed and finished off his soda before jumping down and scurrying away.  
  
  
They both watched him leave and Willow resisted looking back at Tara but couldn’t back away from that penetrating stare.  
  
  
“Before you freak out at me—”  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Tara interrupted, holding her hands up, “He asked, I was indisposed. You made a call. It’s okay. But—”  
  
  
“I know,” Willow interrupted this time, softly.  
  
  
She leaned in but stopped just short.  
  
  
“Have you brushed your teeth?”  
  
  
Tara just chuckled.  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
Willow closed the gap and kissed Tara’s lips. Her hands ran across Tara’s shoulders and fell down to Tara’s waist where she pulled gently at the ends of her sweater.  
  
  
“Honey it’s 85 degrees out there,” she said when she felt the heaviness of the material.  
  
  
Tara smoothed her hands over the bump the fabric was obscuring.  
  
  
“I know, I wish I didn’t have to wear this. I’ll have to sit in the shade.”  
  
  
“Or we could go with the wacky notion of actually telling people?” Willow suggested with an upward eyebrow and similarly inflected tone, “We’re past the three-month mark.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“I want to wait until after Robyn’s birthday.”  
  
  
Willow looked pained.  
  
  
“That’s another month. Another summer month,” she said pointedly and began to gesture to Tara’s stomach, “And you’re, you know…”  
  
  
Tara raised an eyebrow and Willow laughed nervously.  
  
  
“Showing appropriately for the two babies you have growing in there,” she covered as her eyes fell back to the bump, “Seriously, has nobody in work noticed?”  
  
  
Tara smiled.  
  
  
“I asked Michelle to spread fake gossip that I was stress eating.”  
  
  
The corner of Willow’s lips tugged up as well.  
  
  
“Why do you want to wait?”  
  
  
“It’s Robyn’s last chance to be the ‘baby’,” Tara explained, shrugging one shoulder, “…I just want to let her enjoy it.”  
  
  
Willow’s face softened and she popped another kiss on Tara’s lips.  
  
  
“And that’s why I picked you to be the mother of my children,” she said, resting her forehead on Tara’s for a moment, “I can’t wait to see them again at the next ultrasound. Do you think Thing 1 will be curling her little toes again?”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“We need to give them names.”  
  
  
“It was good enough for Seuss,” Willow protested.  
  
  
Tara tapped Willow’s nose.  
  
  
“I meant what I said and I said what I meant.”  
  
  
Willow grinned.  
  
  
“Names. Okay. Hey, why don’t we pick one each?”  
  
  
Tara considered it.  
  
  
“Okay. Yeah,” she smiled, “Sure. Let’s pick one each. I think—”  
  
  
She suddenly swayed on her feet and Willow caught her by the arms.  
  
  
“Tara,” she said, standing fully to support her, “Are you gonna throw up?”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes and opened them through slow blinks.  
  
  
“No, it passed,” she said when the room focused back into steadiness again.  
  
  
Willow rubbed Tara’s arm with concern on her face.  
  
  
“You sure?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara exhaled softly, “I’m just going to get some cold water.”  
  
  
“I’ll get it,” Willow said, guiding Tara to sit on the stool.  
  
  
She went over to the refrigerator and poured Tara a glass of ice water. Tara took it and held it against her cheek, then sipped it slowly.  
  
  
“Take the sweater off.”  
  
  
“I can’t, Willow,” Tara sighed again.  
  
  
Willow bit her tongue and just rubbed Tara’s arm.  
  
  
“Sit somewhere more comfortable at least.”  
  
  
“I have to make a potato salad,” Tara replied weakly.  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“I’m capable of mixing some mayo into some potato,” she said and tried not to be offended when Tara looked skeptical, “Jeez. Fine, sit there and supervise me then.”  
  
  
“I know you can make potato salad, Willow,” Tara said, reaching over to brush some hair from Willow’s face, “I just…think I forgot to buy the ingredients.”  
  
  
Willow threw her hands up.  
  
  
“Well, we can’t be those people who support grocery stores opening on the holiday!”  
  
  
Her eyes closed and slowly opened agin.  
  
  
“Okay. I guess I’m making a salad with…” she threw open the refrigerator, “Tomatoes and mozzarella and uh…watermelon?”  
  
  
Tara arched an eyebrow.  
  
  
“Like a watermelon Caprese?”  
  
  
Willow spun around, ingredients in hand.  
  
  
“Watermelon Caprese!” she said with a grin, “That’s totally a thing right? It is now. Watermelon Caprese it is.”  
  
  
Tara held her hands out.  
  
  
“I can chop.”  
  
  
Willow just smiled and handed a chopping mat over the island.  
  
  
“You just want in on the rights when my salad goes international.”  
  
  
Tara picked out some tomatoes from the fruit bowl.  
  
  
“I hate to break it to you honey, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this on The Food Network.”  
  
  
“Original Thought Theory,” Willow opined with a sad pout, “No matter what you say/do/think now, someone somewhere in the past has thought about it or said it before.”  
  
  
“What about that thing you do in bed?” Tara asked with a soft, crooked smile.  
  
  
Willow winked.  
  
  
“That’s a Willow exclusive.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and ducked her head.  
  
  
They chopped together a salad to bring to the BBQ and put it in the fridge along with the fruit skewers and drinks they had prepared for it.  
  
  
Willow took Robyn to get dressed in the red top and blue shorts with white socks Tara had picked out for her. She knew the socks would only be fit for the trash by the end of the day and that was why they were the only items of white clothing in Robyn's closet.  
  
  
JJ was too old to coerce into patriotic garb and stayed in his shorts and a basketball jersey. He was going to a basketball camp during the summer break from school and the thing was practically molded to his body. They’d had to buy him extras just so they could actually wash them without argument.  
  
  
They all bundled into the car with food and toys to last the afternoon and set off for the Harris household.  
  
  
At least, they did after a tire-screeching pull back into the driveway when Robyn announced she wanted to use the potty.  
  
  
When they finally got across town, Jesse and Alex were playing basketball with the hoop in the driveway and JJ was snapping the handle off the door to try and bypass the child lock and open it.  
  
  
“JJ, chill out,” Willow called back as she parked up on the curb  
  
  
“Honey,” Tara looked over her shoulder at him with a calming look.  
  
  
JJ’s arms wiggled about in a gesture toward the game.  
  
  
“I wanna play!”  
  
  
“I know you do, but you will be in one minute,” Tara soothed softly, “Okay?”  
  
  
JJ heaved out a sigh.  
  
  
“‘Kay.”  
  
  
“‘Kay,” Robyn echoed with a giggly laugh and a clap.  
  
  
JJ smiled at her and tickled her leg, which produced another gurgling laugh.  
  
  
Willow stood out of the car and opened the door for JJ, who leaped out. Willow put her hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze as she smiled down at him.  
  
  
“Remember what we talked about this morning?”  
  
  
JJ nodded and cast his eyes conspiringly toward his Mom.  
  
  
“Yeah, I won’t say anything.”  
  
  
Willow patted his shoulder.  
  
  
“Go play.”  
  
  
Tara lifted Robyn out of her car seat and held her on her hip until they got off the road and walked around the house to the back yard. She toddled off to play with Pixie and Ella in the little paddling pool; tumbling over into the water before either mother had a chance to snatch any of her clothes off.  
  
  
Oh well, Willow thought as she watched Robyn dunk her head just to make sure every single piece of herself was drenched. They always brought spares when bringing their little adventurer anywhere. Getting her out of that pool to go for a nap was going to be torture though.  
  
  
They shared a look that they were both having the same thought but put it out of their minds as they moved around the yard to say hello to all of their friends. Xander was manning the BBQ already, Anya was setting up a game of Life, Alice and Brian were playing with the kids, Becky was looking over the bar selection, Buffy was assembling a new picnic table and Angel was sitting in the shade with a glum look on his face; the happiest they’d seen him in months.  
  
  
“Burgers up!” Xander yelled and the boys ran in from the driveway in seconds.  
  
  
“I’ll go bring our stuff in,” Tara said and moved to take the car keys from Willow.  
  
  
“I’ll do it,” Willow replied, snatching the keys back before Tara could take them, “Sit.”  
  
  
“Pussy-whipped,” Anya muttered as Tara obediently sat down.  
  
  
Xander smiled at her kindly.  
  
  
“It’s okay, Tara. We can start a club.”  
  
  
Jesse slapped a hand between Xander’s shoulder blades and shook his head.  
  
  
“My man. No. Just no.”  
  
  
Tara returned a sympathetic smile in gratitude for the support and Xander saluted her with a spatula. Willow came back through the back of the house and turned Robyn right-side-up as she passed.  
  
  
“‘wimming, Mom-mah!” Robyn protested and splashed happily in the water, the way she did at Toddler Swim every week with Tara.  
  
  
At least she was putting the skills to use, Willow thought. She went by the table to pour them a couple of red solo cups full of lemonade and brought it over to Tara, who was sitting on a blanket in the grass. Willow sat alongside her and smiled.  
  
  
“You okay?”  
  
  
“Better now you’re back,” Tara murmured sweetly as she craned her neck back and pressed a kiss under Willow’s ear.  
  
  
Willow grinned at the tickle and gently tickled Tara’s thigh back with one finger before letting her hand slide up so her palm pressed on Tara’s belly.  
  
  
She caressed her there, smiling so much it almost became a laugh and pressed a long kiss to Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
As she pulled away she noticed Becky was looking at them.  
  
  
Becky started to smirk and raised an eyebrow.  
  
  
Willow looked like a deer caught in the headlights for a moment then discreetly lifted a finger to her lips. Becky just full-on grinned and raised her cup enough to indicate it was acknowledged. She threw Willow a wink and turned her attention away inconspicuously.  
  
  
Willow’s heart sped up a bit; first JJ and now Becky knowing, even unintentionally, was really starting to make it all feel real. Maybe she could still convince Tara to tell everyone early…  
  
  
She moved back into the moment and realized Tara was talking to her.  
  
  
“Hmm?” she asked, blinking rapidly.  
  
  
“Where did you leave the salads?” Tara asked, already on her way to standing, “Xander is serving up.”  
  
  
Willow started to stand too.  
  
  
“Oh. In the fridge. I’ll get ‘em.”  
  
  
“I can do it,” Tara insisted softly, then added on quieter, “I’m not an invalid.”  
  
  
She wobbled but before Willow could tell her to sit down she was striding across the grass to the door that led into the kitchen.  
  
  
Willow followed, slipped in the door and walked over to where Tara was bending at the fridge.  
  
  
“Tara, go eat.”  
  
  
Tara stood up with a dish in each hand.  
  
  
“Stop bossing me around in front of our friends,” she said sternly, then blew a piece of hair from her face and sighed, “Please.”  
  
  
“Hey…” Willow said softly at Tara’s annoyed voice, “I’m worried about you. You look pale. Please go eat something? You haven’t eaten since breakfast and you threw that up.”  
  
  
Tara tried to relax her shoulders.  
  
  
“I’ll bring this platter out and pick up a plate, okay?”  
  
  
Willow touched Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“You’re clammy too. Maybe keep to the shade? You could practice brooding with Angel.”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“Why would I need to brood?”  
  
  
Willow smiled awkwardly.  
  
  
“…because Becky kinda knows now too.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes closed and her nostrils flared.  
  
  
“Willow. First JJ, now this. I want to tell people together.”  
  
  
“She guessed,” Willow defended, “She saw me rub your belly. Honestly, I’m surprised the rest of them haven’t put 2 and 2 together as well. I really don’t think we’re going to get away with this for another mo—”  
  
  
Tara wobbled again but Willow caught her this time.  
  
  
“Tara.”  
  
  
Tara was beginning to feel a little woozy and looked contrite.  
  
  
“I’ll go sit down.”  
  
  
Willow took the dishes and Tara picked up a stack of napkins instead to bring out. She walked back out the way she came and Willow followed a moment behind her.  
  
  
About three steps onto the grass, Tara suddenly stopped abruptly. Willow stopped behind her, confused.  
  
  
“Tara?”  
  
  
The air became a sea of white as the napkins were tossed away as Tara’s body took a shaken step and started to fall.  
  
  
The platters joined the napkins strewn around the grass as Willow flung them away to do a baseball slide to get under Tara to catch her.  
  
  
“Tara!” she shrieked as Tara’s pale, unconscious face turned in her lap, “Call an ambulance!”  
  
  
Becky already had her phone out and Xander took a big step forward them.  
  
  
“It’s okay, it’s probably just heatstroke in that big sweater.”  
  
  
“Dammit, she’s pregnant, call an ambulance!” Willow yelled, not seeing Becky with the phone to her ear or Brian ushering all of the kids inside or anything but quite how closed and unresponsive Tara’s eyes were.  
  
  
“Come on baby,” Willow said gently, tapping Tara’s face, “Come on Tara!”  
  
  
She checked Tara’s pulse and it was racing but at least it was there.  
  
  
“Baby,” she choked, her jaw starting to tremble.  
  
  
She bit back the tears and looked up in alarm that JJ or Robyn were seeing this.  
  
  
“Where are the kids?”  
  
  
“Brian brought them all inside,” Becky said as she bent down with Willow and held her holding Tara up, encouraging her into the recovery position, “The ambulance is on the way. It won’t be too long.”  
  
  
Everyone remained in stony silence but stood ready to act in whatever capacity they may be needed, for the few minutes it took for sirens to be heard. Jesse ran out to the front to guide them in and they immediately pushed Willow out of the way to check Tara and load her into the bus.  
  
  
“She’s fourteen weeks pregnant with twins,” Willow said after answering some standard questions as to Tara’s state and history, “She had some bleeding early on but it was just irritation. She hasn’t collapsed before, except she used to get migraines but it’s been over 10 years. She’s had headaches but she said they weren’t like those and…and she’s been unsteady on her feet but I thought it was just exhaustion.”  
  
  
“We’ll take care of her,” one of the paramedics said stoically and then Tara’s unconsciously body was slid into the ambulance and it was off again with the sirens ringing in everyone’s ears.  
  
  
Willow watched for a long second then stamped the ground as tears sprung to her ears.  
  
  
“Dammit!”  
  
  
Becky put her hands on Willow’s shoulders from behind.  
  
  
“C’mon, Willow. I’ll take you to the hospital,” she said and took a step forward, then looked back when Willow didn’t follow, “Willow. Come on.”  
  
  
Willow looked around, lost and helpless.  
  
  
“My kids.”  
  
  
“We’ll keep them,” Anya said in a sincere tone, “We have some of Pixie’s pajamas that are too big for her for Robyn if they need to stay the night and Alex and JJ can share.”  
  
  
Willow blinked away some tears.  
  
  
“‘Kay,” she said in a hollow, echoing voice as she stepped toward Becky, “‘Kay.”  
  
  
Everyone stood dumbfounded and watched them go until eventually, Xander piped up, tongs open in his hand as the meat burned behind him.  
  
  
“Did she say twins?”  
  
  
In the car, Becky didn’t bother Willow with talk until they were almost at the hospital.  
  
  
“She’ll be alright, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow’s jaw was so tense it was trembling.  
  
  
“Not if those babies aren’t, she won’t.”  
  
  
Her head dropped into her lap.  
  
  
“This is all my fault. I should have, I should have…”  
  
  
Becky drove into the hospital parking lot and parked the car in the nearest spot she could find.  
  
  
“Willow, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Tara when that janky ass sperm donor of hers put a bullet in you.”  
  
  
She turned in the seat and put her hand on Willow’s shoulder, making Willow lift her gaze.  
  
  
“You need to stay strong here. She’s gonna need all your strength when she gets through this and wallowing in anger and self-pity isn’t helping your wife. Okay?”  
  
  
Willow took in a long, sharp breath.  
  
  
“You’re right.”  
  
  
Becky smirked.  
  
  
“How many years did it take you to finally get it?”  
  
  
A small laugh escaped as Willow’s mouth as she wiped her arm over her face to wipe away the few tears that fell.  
  
  
“Shut up Becky.”  
  
  
Becky squeezed Willow’s knee.  
  
  
“Go. I’ll be in the waiting room.”  
  
  
“You don’t ha—” Willow started but Becky cut her off.  
  
  
“I’ll be in the waiting room.”  
  
  
Willow just gave her a pained smile and exited the car and jogged into the hospital where she approached the nurse at the triage desk.  
  
  
“M-My wife was brought in. She collapsed and s-she’s pregnant. Tara Rosenberg-Maclay.”  
  
  
The nurse looked up at her and her red eyes and wet cheeks and smiled kindly.  
  
  
“Third floor.”  
  
  
Willow nodded and pushed herself off to go to the elevators.  
  
  
The brief ascent felt like an age but she stepped off onto the maternity care unit. She remembered being there the last time; when Tara had been bleeding. She thought that was the most scared she had ever been but this was worse. There was no one manning the nurses’ station so Willow had to discreetly peer in through various doors until she saw someone familiar.  
  
  
“Tara,” she said in a relieved rush as she pushed the door open and ran over to Tara’s bedside.  
  
  
Tara was awake and seemed just as relieved to see her.  
  
  
“Willow.”  
  
  
Willow grabbed Tara’s cheeks and kissed the top of her head repeatedly.  
  
  
“What’s wrong, what happened?”  
  
  
“I-I…” Tara started, helplessly and distressed, “I woke up in the ambulance. They gave me these things to chew on and took blood and hooked me up to this IV…and a nurse said they were getting the ultrasound machine. I don’t know, Willow, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m bleeding but I don’t know what happened.”  
  
  
“The babies will be okay,” Willow promised quickly even though she didn’t quite believe it herself, “I’ll call Dr. Wells.”  
  
  
“D-Don’t leave me,” Tara asked in a meek voice.  
  
  
Willow had to swallow a deep lump.  
  
  
“Never.”  
  
  
She slipped her hand into Tara’s and squeezed tight.  
  
  
Eventually, they were brought to the ultrasound room and there was a doctor waiting to squirt the jelly onto Tara’s exposed belly.  
  
  
Tara’s eyelashes flickered as the probe pressed down on her bump and she felt Willow hold her hand tighter.  
  
  
The doctor cocked her head at the screen.  
  
  
“…did you know you were having twins?”  
  
  
“Are they okay?” Willow asked quickly.  
  
  
There was an aching moment of silence as the doctor moved the probe around to get a good look.  
  
  
“Strong heartbeats and no signs of distress. Everything looks okay.”  
  
  
Tara exhaled a shaken breath and Willow’s tensed shoulders slowly dropped.  
  
  
“What happened to my wife?”  
  
  
The doctor started to wipe the jelly away.  
  
  
“We’re running tests. But expect to be kept in overnight.”  
  
  
“Could we listen for a minute?” Willow requested quickly and then continued when the doctor glanced at her watch, “I know you have other places to go. Just a minute.”  
  
  
The doctor flicked a button on the ultrasound and put the probe down.  
  
  
“I’ll let the orderly know you’ll be ready in a minute,” she said kindly.  
  
  
Willow smiled gratefully and then they were alone with their babies on screen and their galloping heartbeats filling the room. Willow bent her knees and put her forehead on Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“Hear that baby?” she asked softly, “That’s our babies growing big and strong. Close your eyes and remember it.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes flickered closed softly and they just listened together for a calming minute.  
  
  
As calm as they could be in the midst of this uncertainty.


	12. Chapter 12

* * *

_**Chapter Seven** _   


* * *

Tara adjusted her shoulders against the propped-up hospital bed and sighed.  
  
  
Willow was on the chair beside her, her arm strewn on the bed with her head resting on top as she snored softly. She’d been there all afternoon and Tara was already wincing at the crick she knew would be in her wife’s neck when she woke up.  
  
  
It was a distraction from wondering what was going on with her own body though, and if it was affecting the babies.  
  
  
She resisted stroking Willow’s hair, giving her as much time as possible to avoid her fate.  
  
  
The light was disappearing through the window blinds but Tara had no idea what time it was and didn’t feel much like moving to find out.  
  
  
Except she would like to know how long she'd been there and what was going on. All she’d been told so far between fleeting nurse visits was she was being kept in for observation.  
  
  
The door peeked open and when Tara looked over she spotted Dr. Wells sneaking in quietly. The doctor offered her a smile.  
  
  
“Not waking you, am I?” she asked quietly.  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“They came to take my blood pressure again a little while ago. Hard to stay asleep when you’re being squeezed like that.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells looked at her sympathetically as she picked up Tara’s chart to read it.  
  
  
“One of these days you’re going to have to actually come to a scheduled appointment and not in a hospital bed,” she said as she flicked through and put it on the end of the bed again, “How are you feeling?”  
  
  
“A bit out of sorts,” Tara admitted, “They haven’t told us anything. Did I get dehydrated again? I know it was warm yesterday but I’ve been drinking water like it’s going out of fashion. They said the babies are okay but are they just telling me that to keep me calm?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells consulted the chart again, then looked toward Willow.  
  
  
“Do you want to wake her?”  
  
  
Tara paused nervously and glanced over at Willow.  
  
  
“It’s the beeping,” she explained, somewhat defensively, “She finds robotic noises soothing. A-and she got up early with the kids.”  
  
  
“There’s no need to explain,” Dr. Wells replied graciously, “I’ve known many people to fall asleep in times of great stress. It’s actually the same exact neural pathway that handles wakefulness which also controls a key aspect of our stress response so it's not not unusual.”  
  
  
Tara smiled gratefully.  
  
  
She hovered her hand above Willow’s head for a moment, then brought it down gently to stroke her hair.  
  
  
It took a few seconds but then Willow’s eyes peeked out from under her arm and her face grew pained as a hand flew to the back of her neck.  
  
  
“The doctor is here,” Tara said softly.  
  
  
Willow’s head flew up which produced a groan but she quickly stood up and offered her attention.  
  
  
“What is it, what’s happening?”  
  
  
“Hi Willow,” Dr. Wells smiled warmly and picked the chart up again, holding it in front of her, “The reason they keep taking your blood pressure is because it’s a little low. It’s likely why you fainted.”  
  
  
“Why is her blood pressure low?” Willow asked groggily as she blinked away the last of her sleep.  
  
  
Dr. Wells flicked through the chart again.  
  
  
“The blood work indicates that you’re anemic. Which is not at all unusual during pregnancy. We’ll add in a B12 supplement and everything should even out.”  
  
  
“That’s great,” Willow said through a relieved breath, but her brow started to crease again at the silence in the room, “Right?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells sat on the bottom corner of the bed.  
  
  
“Tara, when you came in, your blood sugar was very high. What had you eaten prior to collapsing?”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“I had breakfast. We had eggs. I had a glass of orange juice, would that do it?”  
  
  
“But you also threw it all back up,” Willow added in, “Her morning sickness has been awful.”  
  
  
“It’s not that bad,” Tara dismissed, “I can control it with tea.”  
  
  
Willow frowned this time.  
  
  
“She’s also had headaches.”  
  
  
Tara sat up uncomfortably.  
  
  
“Well, obviously I’m tiring easier these days.”  
  
  
“And she’s wobbly sometimes,” Willow said, shaking her head as she was starting to put the pattern of symptoms together.  
  
  
Tara’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“It’s just moments of clouded vision, I thought maybe I needed glasses.”  
  
  
Willow’s face snapped toward Tara in annoyance.  
  
  
“When are you going to learn that not taking care of yourself is not taking care of our family?!”  
  
  
Dr. Wells stood to her full height in an attempt to calm the situation.  
  
  
“Okay, Willow perhaps you could step out for a moment—”  
  
  
“No, I’m…” Willow immediately shrunk back and blinked several times, “I’m sorry. I know that wasn’t helpful, I’m sorry. I-I’ll leave if Tara wants me to leave.”  
  
  
Tara reached out and took Willow’s hand.  
  
  
“I don’t want you to leave.”  
  
  
Willow mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ and Tara just nodded and squeezed their hands together.  
  
  
Dr. Wells gently folded her arms across her chest and moved a step closer.  
  
  
“Tara, they want to test for something called gestational diabetes. It’s on the early side for it to present, but your blood work warrants investigation. Your glucose levels may just have been skewed if you were vomiting frequently but they’re having a little trouble stabilizing it again.”  
  
  
Tara paled and Willow’s mouth dropped.  
  
  
“Die…diabetes?” she asked, her voice trembling, “But Tara’s the healthiest of the lot of us.”  
  
  
“It’s not inherited from lifestyle. Having a healthy diet and exercise regime will be a good thing if she has developed the condition,” Dr. Wells replied reassuringly, “The good news is for the vast, vast majority of women, it doesn’t extend beyond pregnancy.”  
  
  
She gave them a moment but something beeped on her waist and she had to continue.  
  
  
“You have to be fasting for eight hours for the test so they’ll be keeping you overnight. Have you eaten anything since you’ve been here?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head, her face still stony and shocked.  
  
  
“Um, no. No. Just some water.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells nodded.  
  
  
“They’ll give you a glucose drink and draw your blood before and after. In pregnancy, we usually do this twice with different concentrations to confirm it. If you do have it, then we can take next steps. But it is very manageable and as Willow said, your healthy lifestyle will only benefit you.”  
  
  
She patted Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“I’m doing a delivery here today so I’ll check in on you. Babies don’t recognize federal holidays,” she joked and looked sympathetic again when the room remained understandably silent, “Don’t worry, Tara. You and the babies are in the best hands.”  
  
  
“T-Thanks, doctor,” Willow said in an echoing tone and Dr. Wells offered them both a soft smile before leaving.  
  
  
Neither of them said anything and Willow had to snap herself into action.  
  
  
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay.”  
  
  
She fussed over Tara’s pillow and blanket.  
  
  
Tara put a hand on Willow’s arm and slid it down to her wrist.  
  
  
“You should get out of here. It sounds like it’s going to be another while, at least.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow creased in concern.  
  
  
“I’m just going to try and sleep,” Tara continued, “I need the rest.”  
  
  
Willow nodded slowly.  
  
  
“Yeah, no, you should rest,” she said, straightening her back up and feeling lots of muscle movement, “Um, okay, I’ll let you sleep. Becky said…oh man, I hope she’s not still hanging around the waiting room. I’ll call her and ask her to bring me to get the car.”  
  
  
Tara nodded back.  
  
  
“And the kids.”  
  
  
Willow blinked heavily.  
  
  
Everything was still on a go-slow.  
  
  
“Right, the kids,” she swallowed, “Um…I’ll…I’ll check in with Xander. Maybe they wouldn’t mind keeping them. They said they could sleep over.”  
  
  
Tara linked her fingers with Willow.  
  
  
“Willow, there’s no point in you coming back until the morning. Be with the kids.”  
  
  
Willow’s pained eyes fell to Tara’s face.  
  
  
“I wanna stay with you. I’ve…I’ve always stayed with you.”  
  
  
Tara smiled sadly.  
  
  
“Before we had children who need their Momma.”  
  
  
Willow gulped.  
  
  
“I don’t want you to be alone.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“I need a Willow who’s had a good night’s sleep. That little chair will kill you. That’s if you’re even able to sweet-talk the nurses into letting you stay,” she said and her lips sloped up in a crooked smile, “What am I saying, of course, you would.”  
  
  
She squeezed Willow’s hand.  
  
  
“But you shouldn’t. I’d just be worried about the kids and I’m really trying to keep my head together right now. For the babies.”  
  
  
“For the babies,” Willow repeated with a short, sure not, “Okay, well I’ll swing back with some pajamas and home comforts. Phone charger and stuff so we can call to say goodnight.”  
  
  
“Thank you, yes,” Tara nodded quickly.  
  
  
“Do you want anything to eat?” Willow asked, trying to be helpful, then swallowed again, “Oh. Guess I better leave that to them.”  
  
  
“Yeah, I think so,” Tara replied, biting her bottom lip, “Maybe just my face spritz. To keep cool.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Willow said and looked at Tara for a long moment before cupping both of her cheeks and leaning down to kiss her.  
  
  
“I love you so much,” she whispered, resting her forehead on Tara’s forehead, “All of you.”  
  
  
Tara closed her hand around the back of Willow’s neck and held her there.  
  
  
“We know.”  
  
  
They stayed in that moment until the door opened and a nurse came in to check Tara’s vitals again.  
  
  
Willow pulled back and cleared her throat.  
  
  
“Um, well, I’ll be back in a bit.”  
  
  
“Give the kids a big hug from me,” Tara requested and Willow just nodded.  
  
  
She pressed two fingers to her lips and blew it over before slipping out the door to stop Tara from seeing her tears.  
  
  
She wiped them away as she made her way back down the elevator and only remembered at the last second before exiting the building that she hadn’t driven.  
  
  
She walked back to the waiting room and felt her heart clench when she saw Becky sitting in a plastic chair with her chin on her chest and her eyes closed.  
  
  
Willow hurried over and put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
  
“Becky,” she said apologetically when Becky opened her eyes jadedly, “I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
Becky stretched as she stood up.  
  
  
“I said I’d be here,” she said in a reassuring tone, “What’s happening?”  
  
  
“She’s okay. The babies,” Willow stopped and swallowed, “Are okay. She’s…she’s anemic and they think she might have diabetes?”  
  
  
Becky’s eyebrows furrowed deeply.  
  
  
“Huh?!”  
  
  
“It’s pregnancy-related,” Willow tried to explain, though she wasn’t sure she understood herself, “She won’t have it forever, if she does have it at all…but they’re keeping her in. I-I need to get her a few things, I…”  
  
  
Becky just nodded.  
  
  
“We’ll go to your house.”  
  
  
Willow looked down and shook her head.  
  
  
“You don’t have to—”  
  
  
Becky slapped a hand on Willow’s back and led her wordlessly out of the hospital toward the parking lot.  
  
  
They got strapped into the car and Becky smirked across as she started the engine.  
  
  
“So, twins, huh?” she asked in a teasing tone, “You’re fucking nuts. Have you crunched the numbers on how many kids that will mean you have?”  
  
  
Willow couldn’t help but chuckle.  
  
  
“It’s the kind of ‘buy one, get one free’ you can’t refuse.”  
  
  
“Hey, this technically means one of your kids was unplanned,” Becky joked and Willow let out a big belly laugh.  
  
  
Becky brought Willow home and waited in the car while she packed up a bag for Tara. Willow had to hunt out the spare key and some of the cash they kept for emergencies since she had nothing in her pockets but her phone.  
  
  
On the way back to the hospital, they stopped by the store to get some magazines and fresh water which Willow carried back up to Tara’s room.  
  
  
Inside, the room was silent apart from the gentle whirr of machines. Willow snuck past Tara’s fast-asleep form and put the bag on the chair so Tara could reach it when she woke up. Willow fixed the blanket and placed the gentlest of kisses on Tara’s lips before leaving again, stopping at the door to give one last longing look back.  
  
  
She returned to the car and Becky just pulled out from the spot, respecting Willow’s obvious need for silence.  
  
  
At the Harris household, Willow heard Robyn crying before she’d even gotten in the door.  
  
  
Xander, holding and trying to soothe her in arms, looked apologetic as Willow walked into the living room.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, Willow. We tried to put her down. Not even her binky is working.”  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Willow said with a tired smile, reaching out to pluck Robyn from Xander’s arms, “It’s okay, baby. Momma's here.”  
  
  
Robyn threw her little arms around Willow’s neck as best she could and blew snot bubbles against Willow’s skin until she calmed down.  
  
  
Willow just silently stroked her back and sat on the couch. Xander and Anya checked if she needed anything, then left her alone. As she cradled Robyn, she heard Becky’s car leaving again.  
  
  
Eventually, Robyn’s only movement was the soft rise and fall of her chest. Willow stayed still with her, needing the baby cuddles as much as the actual baby until a ray of light shone inside as the door peeked open.  
  
  
“Momma?”  
  
  
Willow looked over and blinked several times to bring herself back into the room.  
  
  
“Jakey. Come here.”  
  
  
She held her arm out and JJ hurried over on the tips of his bare feet, stretching out the slightly-too-small PJs he’d borrowed from Alex. JJ situated himself snugly under Willow’s arm with his knees pulled up to his chest.  
  
  
“Mom is okay. She just needs to rest,” Willow reassured, rubbing his arm up and down, “You must have gotten a big scare.”  
  
  
JJ reached over to pick up the pacifier clipped onto Robyn’s jammies and popped it into her slightly opened mouth. After a moment, Robyn’s mouth closed around it and she began to suck.  
  
  
“I took care of Robyn,” JJ answered plainly.  
  
  
“Well I’m here now to take care of you both,” Willow said, kissing the top of JJ’s head.  
  
  
“Are the babies okay?” JJ asked with creased eyes.  
  
  
Willow nodded reassuringly.  
  
  
“Everything is okay. And we can see Mom tomorrow.”  
  
  
JJ’s face evened out and he snuggled back into Willow. They silently cuddled for several minutes until Robyn started rubbing her nose against Willow’s collarbone and then looked up sleepily.  
  
  
“‘om-mah?” Robyn garbled under her pacifier as if she might be a mirage.  
  
  
“I’m here baby,” Willow soothed, “Let’s call Mommy and say night-night and then get you two up to bed.”  
  
  
They called Tara who had obviously just woken up as well but hid it well. They all said goodnight to her and Willow checked in with cautious language to make sure she was doing okay.  
  
  
Willow got the kids tucked in again quietly so as not to disturb the other sleeping children.  
  
  
When she got back downstairs she went into the kitchen where Xander and Anya were talking. A beer was thrust at her, which she took gratefully.  
  
  
“Is it okay to crash on the couch? Just, with the kids here and everything.”  
  
  
“We already made up the guest room for ya Wills,” Xander smiled tenderly, reaching out to clutch Willow’s shoulder and giving it an affectionate squeeze.  
  
  
Willow smiled back weakly and her eyes darted from side to side. She looked over her shoulder.  
  
  
“Maybe I’ll try to go sneak back into the hospital room.”  
  
  
“Willow. No,” Xander replied gently and pulled her into a proper hug, “It's just for one night.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“Yeah, I-I know, but…it's a whole night. I don't think I can sleep without her.”  
  
  
“You can sleep with me,” Anya offered with a sincere smile.  
  
  
They both looked at Anya with raised eyebrows. Anya started to frown.  
  
  
“Well, now that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.”  
  
  
“That’s actually really nice, Anya,” Willow said, her eyes flashing over to her gratefully for a moment, “But I’ll be fine in the guest room.”  
  
  
She looked at the unopened bottle of beer again and put it down on the counter.  
  
  
“Actually I think I might just go and try and get some sleep. I’ll get my Dad to take the kids tomorrow so we’ll be out of your hair. I’ll figure out a babysitter or something if Tara has to stay in longer than the weekend.”  
  
  
“We got you, Will,” Xander promised, “Whatever you need. Becky filled us in.”  
  
  
Willow offered as much of a smile as she could and lifted her hand in a short wave before retreating back upstairs to the guest room. Realizing she had brought absolutely nothing for herself, she stripped down and tied the robe hanging on the back of the door around her.  
  
  
She laid down and began her night of fistful sleep.  
  


* * *

  
Willow snuck into the hospital room intending to be silent as a mouse but Tara was awake and idly flipping through a magazine Willow had brought her yesterday.  
  
  
“Hey, honey,” Willow said softly as she stepped in fully.  
  
  
“Hey,” Tara replied, perking up as she saw her wife’s face.  
  
  
She sat up more fully and put the magazine off to the side.  
  
  
“How are the kids?”  
  
  
“Fine. Good,” Willow said, coming over to the bedside and kissing Tara’s cheek, “JJ is feeling it more. I don’t think Robyn actually saw anything, she was just mad she was taken away from the paddling pool and missed her bedtime routine.”  
  
  
She sighed and took Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“She was upset when I went back. She needed a cuddle,” she smiled weakly at Tara, “So did I.”  
  
  
She pulled the chair forward so it was right by the bed and she wouldn’t have to let go of Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“Any updates?”  
  
  
“They’ve done all the tests so we just have to wait for the results,” Tara replied, her voice clearly apprehensive.  
  
  
Willow brought Tara’s hand to her mouth and kissed her knuckles.  
  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes grew downcast.  
  
  
“Okay, I think. They brought me some toast right after the last blood draw and it was the nicest toast I’ve ever had. I was starving.”  
  
  
“Honey,” Willow replied sympathetically, rubbing her thumb over Tara’s fingers, “Well my Dad took the kids this morning. They’re good to stay there for the weekend if needs be. They’ll settle better there.”  
  
  
“Did you apologize for me ruining the BBQ?” Tara asked with her shoulders fallen in on themselves.  
  
  
Willow shot Tara a look.  
  
  
“Are you kidding me right now, Tara?”  
  
  
Tara reached out and cupped Willow’s cheek.  
  
  
“You’re tired,” she deduced pretty easily, “Did you sleep at all?”  
  
  
Willow looked down guiltily.  
  
  
“One stretch lasted an entire seven seconds.”  
  
  
Tara tucked some hair behind Willow’s ear.  
  
  
“Go home and—”  
  
  
Willow looked right up.  
  
  
“Don’t,” she cut Tara off before she could even say it, “Would you?”  
  
  
Tara let her hand fall away and then used it to pat the bed.  
  
  
Willow cocked her head.  
  
  
“Tara…”  
  
  
“Willow…” Tara teased back in a soft voice with an accompanying crooked smile and patted the bed again.  
  
  
Willow felt like her body was being pulled onto the bed like a magnet and found herself curling up alongside Tara; taking up as little room as possible and yet feeling the most comfortable she had ever been.  
  
  
Tara stroked Willow’s hair and Willow pressed a light kiss into Tara’s neck.  
  
  
Thankfully Willow heard the door opening before it did and she was able to quickly stand off to the side before Dr. Wells came in.  
  
  
She greeted them but quickly got to the point.  
  
  
“The diabetes test has come back positive.”  
  
  
Tara’s hand tightened in Willow’s. She took a moment, closing her eyes and opening them again, glassy.  
  
  
“Is it dangerous for the babies?” she asked in a tense voice.  
  
  
“Not as long as we keep it in control. Which we will,” Dr. Wells promised, “You will need more frequent check-ups and if you were considering home birth as you did last time I cannot recommend you proceed with the idea. I wouldn’t even be comfortable with a complication-free twin home birth so it’s not a huge loss for you, I hope.”  
  
  
“We hadn’t talked about it,” Tara replied, glancing over to Willow, “I was nervous when it was Willow but it all happened so fast in the end. I’m okay with doing it in the hospital. Whatever is best for the babies.”  
  
  
“And Tara,” Willow added on in concern, “What’s best for Tara too.”  
  
  
She rubbed Tara’s arm and Dr. Wells nodded.  
  
  
“Of course. Let me go through everything you need to know.”  
  
  
She outlined what the diagnosis meant for Tara going forward and what she might expect of her pregnancy as it advanced. It wasn’t too overwhelming but still made Willow feel very, very nervous.  
  
  
“Any questions?” Dr. Wells asked at the end.  
  
  
“Can she go home?” Willow asked, swallowing deeply.  
  
  
Dr. Wells smiled sympathetically.  
  
  
“They want to keep you but I know you must be anxious to get home to the kids. So on the balance of anxieties, I’d prefer to see you at home too, if you’re willing to have a home nurse check in for a couple of days and stay on bed rest until we stabilize your blood pressure and sugars. After that, we’ll discuss a follow-up appointment for a nutrition and exercise plan to go forward with.”  
  
  
She stopped and scribbled something on Tara’s chart.  
  
  
“You’ll need to get a blood glucose monitoring kit. Check morning and night and then after every meal,” she said and looked between them with a softly creased brow when they both looked a bit ashen, “I know this is overwhelming.”  
  
  
“I’ll take care of her,” Willow said quickly, squeezing Tara’s hand.  
  
  
Dr. Wells nodded and smiled at Willow.  
  
  
“Well, I just called by to check on you before I go into my clinic for the day. I’ll discuss what we talked about with the doctors here and they’ll organize your discharge.”  
  
  
“Thank you so much for coming by,” Tara replied, pushing herself up on her palms to sit straighter, “I really appreciate it.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Dr. Wells smiled again, “Everything will be okay. I’ve had hundreds of patients navigate this without any harm done to mom or baby. Feel better, Tara.”  
  
  
Tara thanked her again and Willow echoed it. Willow watched her leave and ran a hand back through her hair.  
  
  
“I’m gonna go call our insurance and see what I can organize.”  
  
  
“Okay,” Tara said, biting the side of her lip.  
  
  
Willow leaned down and kissed the top of her head.  
  
  
“You heard her. Everything will be okay.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara replied, closing her eyes, “Of course.”  
  
  
Willow hugged her sidelong for a minute or so and then pushed away to try and organize the nurse; just to give her something to do, to feel like she was helpful.  
  
  
Tara dropped her head back against the angled bed and looked up at the ceiling. She put a hand on her belly and closed her eyes.  
  
  
She only remembered feeling this scared once before and it was the moment she realized her father's bullet had pierced Willow and not her.  
  
  
But Willow had been okay.  
  
  
And the babies would be too; Tara had to believe that.  
  
  
  
Quietly, she opened her mouth and started to sing under her breath.  
  
  
_Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through  
We'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you  
I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through  
We'll make it through_  
  
  
The last words were barely spoken out loud as she tried to just breathe. She’d sung that song to Willow after the 'incident' and it had helped. So maybe this time it would help too. They were Willow's babies, after all.  
  
  
Willow blew in like a hurricane a little while later and while Tara hadn’t been asleep, she did feel jolted out of whatever place she’d been in.  
  
  
“Thank god for health insurance,” Willow said as she went to pick up her purse to find a pen, “I suddenly feel like making a very big donation to Planned Parenthood.”  
  
  
She ended up groaning in frustration and upending her bag onto the floor.  
  
  
Tara jumped and reached out to grab her arm.  
  
  
“Honey.”  
  
  
Willow’s fist balled by her side.  
  
  
“I have to write this number down before I forget.”  
  
  
“Write it on your phone,” Tara advised softly.  
  
  
Willow looked down at the phone in her hand and gulped.  
  
  
“Right.”  
  
  
She entered the phone number and saved it for safety but the tremble in her fingers was too much to actually commit to the call.  
  
  
Tara noticed and tried to pull Willow closer gently by tugging on her hand.  
  
  
“Willow…”  
  
  
Willow’s jaw tensed and she visibly held back tears.  
  
  
“You’re gonna be okay,” she said to convince herself more than Tara, “We’ll adjust our meals, go on family walks in the evenings. We’re all in this together. You won’t have to take care of the babies alone after they’re born and you don’t have to before either.”  
  
  
“It’s okay to say that you’re scared,” Tara replied in a soft tone, “I am.”  
  
  
Willow remained stoic.  
  
  
“It’s fine. It's all good.”  
  
  
Tara reached up and caressed Willow’s cheek.  
  
  
“Hey, Will, this is me. It doesn't all have to be ‘good’ and ‘fine’. This is the room where you don't have to be brave. I still love you. If you're worried you can be worried.”  
  
  
Willow sank down onto the side of the bed.  
  
  
“This room doesn’t feel too comforting.”  
  
  
“Not the hospital room,” Tara said with a tender, sloped smile, “The…space…any space…where it’s just us.”  
  
  
“The cosmic room of commitment,” Willow suggested with some forced joviality.  
  
  
“There you go,” Tara replied warmly, moving her hand down to Willow’s upper arm and rubbing there.  
  
  
Willow swallowed deeply and brought her gaze over to Tara.  
  
  
“I’m scared.”  
  
  
Tara nodded slowly.  
  
  
“I know. Me too.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes closed and a tear escape.  
  
  
“C’mere,” Tara said and they bundled together again on the bed as they had earlier, holding each other.  
  
  
Neither cried but they didn’t speak either and just tried to process everything in silence together. Willow actually felt stronger for it and was able to pull herself away with a new sense of purpose.  
  
  
“Okay, I have to call this home nurse agency and I need to check in with my Dad and the kids…he said they could stay for the weekend so it shouldn’t be a problem.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“I want them at home.”  
  
  
Willow paused and pursed her lips for a moment.  
  
  
“You heard the doctor, you have to be on bed rest for a couple of days at least. Our children are not the ‘resting’ type.”  
  
  
“Willow, please,” Tara pleaded softly, “I just want to be at home with my family.”  
  
  
Willow sighed.  
  
  
“Okay, but you have to back up my bad cop if they’re trying to crawl all over you.”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly.  
  
  
“Sergeant Stern, reporting for duty.”  
  
  
“Alright,” Willow agreed, starting to smile, “I’ll go figure things out so we can go home.”  
  
  
She kissed Tara’s cheek and left the room again to make her phone calls outside.  
  
  
Finally, everything came together and Willow was wheeling Tara out to the car. She fussed over the angle of the seat and the pull of the safety belt.  
  
  
“Willow, I’m okay,” Tara said, placing her hands over Willow’s arm to stall her, “I know you’re just worried. I get it. But please treat me normally. You make me feel sicker when you treat me like an invalid.”  
  
  
Willow held her hands up.  
  
  
“Okay. I’m sorry.”  
  
  
She pressed down on the buckle and Tara playfully slapped her away, making her giggle.  
  
  
“Alright, alright.”  
  
  
They smiled at each other and Tara dropped her hand onto Willow’s and squeezed it. Willow linked their fingers for a moment, then nodded and closed the door so she could go around to the driver’s side.  
  
  
The drive home was thankfully uneventful and Tara enjoyed a moment in the front yard before she forced herself inside for her hopefully short stint stuck inside.  
  
  
Willow noticed and came up behind her to stroke her back.  
  
  
“We’ll keep the window open so you can hear the birds sing.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and reached back to hold the hand sitting on her shoulder.  
  
  
Willow led them inside and Tara made her way upstairs, negotiating the baby gates on her way and wondering why they kept them at all when Robyn often just climbed right over.  
  
  
She went into the bedroom and ran her hand behind the back of her neck. There’d been many a weekend she and Willow had never left the bed but this didn’t have quite the same allure to it.  
  
  
“Willow, I’m going to have a shower,” she called down, poking her head out of the door.  
  
  
“Okay, I’ll bring you tea!” Willow called back.  
  
  
Tara smiled, despite everything. It was never difficult to feel loved in this house.  
  
  
She went into the bathroom and ran the shower. She looked at herself in the mirror as it got to temperature. Her eyes betrayed her less-than-stellar night and she suddenly felt the weariness come over her. She undressed and stepped under the spray, grateful to feel the water wash away her day-and-a-half of sweat.  
  
  
She kept the shower brief and dressed in cool pajamas. Just as she was settling some pillows behind her back, Willow walked in with a cup of tea.  
  
  
“Your fave. Cinnamon. Good for nausea _and_ sugar control, apparently,” she said with a helpful smile as she set it down on the nightstand and stood back to look at Tara, “Your color is better.”  
  
  
Tara nodded back against the pillows.  
  
  
“It’s good to be home.”  
  
  
Willow perched herself on the edge of the bed and ran her hand up and down Tara’s thigh.  
  
  
“I read a bunch last night when I couldn’t sleep. Loaded up my brain on low GI foods and simple carbohydrates. Bet I could ace a Food Nutrition exam.”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly but before she could respond, the doorbell rang.  
  
  
“That’s probably my Dad with the kids,” Willow said, standing up again.  
  
  
“I want to say hello,” Tara requested and Willow looked back and nodded before disappearing.  
  
  
Tara heard her children long before she saw them as well as the shushing from Willow as she brought them upstairs.  
  
  
When Robyn got to the door and spotted her mother, she flailed excitedly and started to make a running jump.  
  
  
Willow caught her just short of doing a back spring onto the bed.  
  
  
“Hey, what did I just tell you?”  
  
  
“She’s okay,” Tara said with a v in her brow at seeing Robyn’s sad little face at being reprimanded.  
  
  
Willow looked at her intently.  
  
  
“Is Sargent Stern available please?”  
  
  
Tara relented but held her arms open. Willow delicately placed Robyn in her lap and Tara wrapped an arm around her while keeping the other open for JJ to come around and cuddle on the other side.  
  
  
“How are my little loves doing?”  
  
  
“We missed you,” JJ said with his head down.  
  
  
Willow sat on the bed and patted his back while Tara dropped a kiss on top of his head.  
  
  
“I missed you too.”  
  
  
“Mom-mee why go?” Robyn asked, her bright blue eyes looking up at Tara, wounded.  
  
  
“Well, Robbie,” Tara started and looked over to Willow who nodded for her to continue, “I had to go because my tummy felt funny. And guess what?”  
  
  
“Wha’?” Robyn asked, her mouth lifting in a grin.  
  
  
Tara placed her palm on her stomach and pulled up her top to show her the bump.  
  
  
At least she could make the reveal to one person.  
  
  
“You’re gonna be a big sister,” she said with appropriate awe, “I have babies in my belly.”  
  
  
Willow nudged JJ and winked at him while Robyn looked around all of them with a little confused face.  
  
  
“Mom-mee 'ave bay-bee?”  
  
  
“Babies,” Willow corrected, holding up two fingers, “Two.”  
  
  
Robyn’s brow furrowed some more.  
  
  
“Mom-mee 'ave bubbies?”  
  
  
Tara brought Robyn’s hands onto her stomach to feel.  
  
  
“Yes, Mommy has two babies in her belly. Like when you were in Momma’s belly.”  
  
  
Robyn felt around for a few moments and lifted her hand but before she could slap it down or anything else, JJ grabbed her.  
  
  
“So we gotta be gentle and not hit Mom’s stomach or anything okay?”  
  
  
“O’tay!” Robyn agreed obediently from her big brother, “Bubbies wan’ play?”  
  
  
“The babies have to grow in Mommy’s belly for a while,” Willow explained, “They have to grow big and strong like you!”  
  
  
“No play?” Robyn asked with a protruding lower lip.  
  
  
“Not yet,” Tara replied with a sympathetic back rub.  
  
  
Robyn looked at Willow hopefully.  
  
  
“Mom-mah play?”  
  
  
“Guess I can’t use the big and strong excuse,” Willow grumbled and then felt a very insistent toddler tug, “Okay, okay, I’m coming.”  
  
  
Willow followed Robyn out to play in her room and Tara took the opportunity to have a moment with JJ.  
  
  
“You’re a good boy,” she said, squeezing him sidelong, “The babies are very lucky to have you as a big brother.”  
  
  
“A-Are they okay?” JJ asked with a nervous tilt to his voice.  
  
  
Tara nodded and looked at him reassuringly.  
  
  
“Yes. I just have to look after myself so I can take care of them,” she said, gesturing around them, “So I have to stay in bed for a couple of days. Will you help your Momma?”  
  
  
JJ nodded diligently.  
  
  
“I can make breakfast and bring Robyn on my walks with Woofy.”  
  
  
Tara’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“Why don’t you ask Mrs. Potts if Woofy can come over here to play with you both instead.”  
  
  
“Okay,” JJ shrugged.  
  
  
Tara opened her arms.  
  
  
“Can I have a hug?”  
  
  
JJ ‘obliged’ though he seemed to need it too as he lingered.  
  
  
Moments after they parted, Willow appeared in the doorway with pink clips stuck in all fashions all over her hair. JJ and Tara looked at each other and shared a hidden smile.  
  
  
“Okay Jakey, Mommy needs to rest now,” Willow advised and JJ jumped down off the bed to follow her out, “Is grilled fish okay for dinner? Green beans, maybe some quinoa?”  
  
  
“That sounds really good,” Tara nodded, trying her hardest to take Willow seriously when she looked like that.  
  
  
Willow put her arm around JJ and smiled back.  
  
  
“Call down if you need anything. I’ll check on you too.”  
  
  
Tara exhaled softly, settled back against the pillows and finally picked up her tea.  
  


* * *

  
Tara stared at the multiple empty cups sitting on her nightstand and didn’t react as her finger was pricked to draw a drop of blood.  
  
  
Catching it on a strip, a nurse named April slot the strip into a machine and waited for the beep. She smiled at Tara.  
  
  
“Good. Your sugars are finally stabilizing.”  
  
  
Willow came into the room carrying a tray with yet another cup of cinnamon tea and a bowl of oatmeal also topped with cinnamon. It was now having the odd effect of both causing and soothing her nausea.  
  
  
“I checked her first thing this morning too and they were holding steady after sleeping.”  
  
  
“I’ve been, um, quite the pincushion,” Tara said as she raised her arm obligingly for her blood pressure to be checked and looked over to April, “Does that mean I get out of bed now?”  
  
  
April smiled sympathetically.  
  
  
“Not my call, I’m afraid. You’ll need to check in with your doctor.”  
  
  
Willow left the tray on Tara’s lap and picked up the little notebook where April had marked in Tara’s readings.  
  
  
“I’m going to call the doctor with these,” she said and made her way back downstairs.  
  
  
April finished what she needed to do and told Tara she would see her later. Tara stared down at her oatmeal and idly stirred it with her spoon.  
  
  
A few minutes later and when Tara had managed to get down half of her breakfast, Willow came skipping back in.  
  
  
“Good news, Dr. Wells says if your numbers stay steady for the next 24 hours that you can come off bed rest,” she said with a smile for Tara, “ _And_ JJ’s gone off to camp and Robyn is at daycare so you’ll be disruption-free and can sleep as much as you want.”  
  
  
Tara brightened slightly at the thought of an end in sight, but it still felt like a long time.  
  
  
“Are you going to work?”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“Working from home again.”  
  
  
She said it easily but Tara knew it was a pain in the ass because Willow couldn’t access a lot of classified files from home.  
  
  
Tara glanced downward.  
  
  
“I feel so guilty.”  
  
  
Willow came over and sat on the edge of the bed opposite Tara.  
  
  
“Nothing else is more important,” she said, covering Tara’s hand on the comforter with her own, “Hey, I’ve been sourcing recipes for the meal plan the doctor sent over. Mostly we can still all eat the same things. Have you thought about doing some more swimming when you’re able again?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head slowly.  
  
  
“I’m kind of worried about getting a kick in the stomach or slipping on the way in and out. I couldn’t even take Robyn to toddler swim last time.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“Oh baby, I didn’t know that. I’ll take her, that’s no problem.”  
  
  
“I thought I might try yoga,” Tara mused quietly, “I’d have my own space, at least.”  
  
  
“That’s a great idea,” Willow encouraged, then smiled sympathetically as Tara kept stirring her food, “You’re really fed up, aren’t you?”  
  
  
Tara looked up guiltily.  
  
  
“I’m just used to being able to be up and doing stuff.”  
  
  
“It won’t be much longer,” Willow reassured and tried to provoke a smile, “Your numbers are looking as good as the rest of you.”  
  
  
Tara blushed despite knowing she wasn’t much in the good looking department right now, or at least she felt that way. It worked, though, she also smiled.  
  
  
Willow pushed herself back to the headboard and put her arm around Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“I’ve got you. Never forget that, okay?”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes and rested her head on Willow’s shoulder. Everything felt so up in the air but she could always rely on Willow.  
  
  
“I won’t.”


	13. Chapter 13

* * *

_**Chapter Eight** _   


* * *

Tara let herself into the quiet house and closed the door on the night sky behind her.  
  
  
She walked into the living room and left her purse on the end table by the couch.  
  
  
“Hey.”  
  
  
“Hey,” Willow greeted, dropping her laptop screen and leaving it on the coffee table so she could stand and kiss Tara’s cheek, “How did yoga go?”  
  
  
“Good,” Tara nodded, returning the kiss.  
  
  
“Yeah?” Willow asked, smiling softly, “Great. Do you want a snack? Some crackers and cheese or apple and peanut butter or something?”  
  
  
“Apple and peanut butter would be great,” Tara requested, leaning into Willow for a hug before taking a seat on the couch which had just been vacated.  
  
  
“On it,” Willow replied, walking out before popping her head back in, “Do you want some tea?”  
  
  
“Yes, please,” Tara nodded with a smile, “You know the kind.”  
  
  
Willow disappeared again and Tara put her feet up and relaxed back after her exercise class.  
  
  
A few minutes later, Willow came in with a plate and steaming mug. She handed them to Tara and was gifted to another quick kiss when she sat down again.  
  
  
“I love you.”  
  
  
“I love you, too,” Willow smiled, bending her knees behind her and putting a hand on Tara’s thigh, “Was it fun?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara nodded as she swiped the side of her mouth with her thumb when she felt a clump of peanut butter stick itself there, “All of the women are pregnant so no one laughs when we’re all falling about the place on the exercise balls.”  
  
  
She smiled sideways.  
  
  
“Actually, everyone laughs.”  
  
  
Willow smiled too and squeezed Tara’s thigh.  
  
  
“Well, you need to check your glucose levels in—”  
  
  
Tara reached out and stroked Willow’s cheek.  
  
  
“Can you be wife Willow and not nurse Willow?”  
  
  
Willow mouthed ‘sorry’ and leaned her head back on her upturned palm.  
  
  
“Actually, I have something to talk to you about.”  
  
  
“Mmm?” Tara asked as she set the empty plate aside and held her mug between two hands.  
  
  
She’d been able to start enjoying it again as long as she didn’t add extra cinnamon to any of her meals. Talking Willow off that train had taken some convincing but eventually Willow had stopped sneaking in cinnamon whenever she could.  
  
  
Now, taking a sip of her tea felt like an indulgence in comfort somewhere deep inside her again, including her stomach.  
  
  
Willow exhaled a breath and held up her hands nervously.  
  
  
“Lily.”  
  
  
“Lily,” Tara repeated, getting nothing from Willow’s eager face, “Are you making a gardening suggestion?”  
  
  
Willow chuckled in a low tone.  
  
  
“I would never tell you how to run your yard. You do much too fine a job of it on your own.”  
  
  
She bit her lip again before explaining.  
  
  
“My name. Lily.”  
  
  
“Your name is Willow,” Tara countered with a furrowed brow.  
  
  
Willow blew out a breath of eager frustration.  
  
  
“No! My baby name! Our baby name! My choice of baby name!”  
  
  
“Oh!” Tara replied quickly.  
  
  
Willow bounced gently in the seat.  
  
  
“I was reading that in the Victorian language of flowers, orange lilies stand for happiness, love, and warmth. A-and I think that’s a really nice embodiment of what I want for her. For all our kids,” she gushed excitedly, then added on with a sheepish smile, “And I figured the donor was a redhead and I’m a redhead so there’s a pretty good chance she’ll be an—”  
  
  
“Orange Lily,” Tara finished with a smile that radiated happiness, love, and warmth.  
  
  
“And to nerd out a little bit,” Willow continued.  
  
  
“I expect nothing less,” Tara cut in and jokingly poked Willow with her foot.  
  
  
Willow rolled her eyes playfully.  
  
  
“Yeah, yeah. But. I like that it ends in ‘ILY’. In internet shorthand, ILY means—”  
  
  
“I love you,” Tara said softly, “You text it all the time.”  
  
  
“I love you,” Willow confirmed and looked at Tara hopefully, “What do you think?”  
  
  
“I love it,” Tara answered without hesitation.  
  
  
“You do?” Willow asked excitedly.  
  
  
Tara nodded quickly.  
  
  
“It’s kind of funny actually. It fits with the name I was thinking of,” she said, pausing a moment for effect, “Emily.”  
  
  
Willow’s head cocked to the side and she smiled.  
  
  
“Like our old babysitter?”  
  
  
“I’ve always liked it,” Tara replied shyly, “And it ends in…”  
  
  
“ILY,” Willow said, a huge grin spreading across her face, “I think we just named our babies.”  
  
  
She placed her hand over Tara’s belly.  
  
  
“Who’s Lily and who’s—” she started before her eyes fell sharply downward when she felt a movement against her palm, “Was that a kick?!”  
  
  
“Did you feel it?” Tara asked, looking down excitedly too.  
  
  
“Yeah!” Willow replied, elated, “I felt it!”  
  
  
“I guess that’s Lily,” Tara said, grinning down at her belly, “She’s the bigger one, up here under my ribs.”  
  
  
She moved Willow’s hand at a slightly different angle.  
  
  
“Hi Lily,” Willow said softly, “It’s your Momma.”  
  
  
She stroked Tara’s stomach and then adjusted her hand lower.  
  
  
“And that means Emily is down here somewhere?”  
  
  
“She’s usually just about here,” Tara replied, getting Willow’s hand around the curve of her bump, but there wasn’t any little movement there unlike just a few inches above, “She’s our little quiet sweetie.”  
  
  
“Well, it’d be a nice change to get a calm one,” Willow only half-joked.  
  
  
She moved her hand around Tara’s belly and slowly looked up to her face with a small frown.  
  
  
“Um, Tara?”  
  
  
“Yeah?” Tara asked, smiling to herself as little ripples of movement bubbled under her skin.  
  
  
“I, um, just realized…” she said, lips pulling into a confused smile, “We don’t actually know if they’re boys or girls.”  
  
  
Tara looked up and her eyes widened.  
  
  
“Oh,” she said, blinking slowly, “That’s…kind of odd that we didn’t think of that.”  
  
  
“Or…telling maybe?” Willow suggested.  
  
  
Tara looked down at her stomach again.  
  
  
“I’ve always felt like they were girls…so much so I didn’t even think about it.”  
  
  
She smiled softly.  
  
  
“I guess it’s Lily and Emily or…Linus and Emmet?”  
  
  
Willow met Tara’s tender gaze.  
  
  
“I really think it’s Lily and Emily.”  
  
  
Tara covered Willow’s hand over her bellybutton.  
  
  
“Me too,” she stopped and grinned, “Or else we're going to have to come up with something a lot better than Linus!”  
  
  
They settled back together, smiling and Tara rubbed Willow’s hand.  
  
  
“Would you mind if I took some time on Sunday?”  
  
  
“Of course not,” Willow shook her head, “Are you doing an extra class?”  
  
  
“Want to go see my mom,” Tara replied with a sad smile.  
  
  
Willow linked their fingers and squeezed their palms together.  
  
  
“I’ll bring the kids out to the movies and for something to eat. Take as much time as you want.”  
  
  
Tara sighed.  
  
  
“I still feel so guilty that we had to cancel Robyn’s birthday.”  
  
  
“We didn’t cancel Robyn’s birthday,” Willow replied pointedly, “She loved her cake and is still getting gifts from everyone. It’s like a dozen birthdays for her! We just weren’t up to another party this year and that’s okay. Necessary, in fact. Okay? So don’t worry, Robyn is totally fine and will never even remember any of this anyway.”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Tara replied and leaned in to rest her forehead on Willow’s forehead, “You will be rewarded in heaven.”  
  
  
Willow giggled as she pecked Tara’s lips.  
  
  
“Is that an offer?”  
  
  
“Always,” Tara murmured and pressed in a little closer.  
  
  
Willow snaked her arm around Tara’s waist.  
  
  
“Well if your blood sugar is stable…”  
  
  
Tara pulled back and sighed.  
  
  
“You ruined it.”  
  
  
Willow pouted.  
  
  
“I’m just taking care of you.”  
  
  
“I know,” Tara replied sincerely, “But you still ruined it.”  
  
  
Willow held her hands up in defeat.  
  
  
“Top up your tea?”  
  
  
Tara nodded and handed her cup over.  
  
  
“Thank you. I love you.”  
  
  
Willow kissed Tara’s cheek and pushed the blood glucose monitor toward her pointedly before skipping out and calling back in a sing-song voice.  
  
  
“I love you too.”  
  


* * *

  
Tara parked the car in the small church parking lot and just took a breather.  
  
  
Even just driving places these days was starting to take it out of her. Growing two tiny humans was no joke. At least she was too exhausted to feel her usual terror at being here.  
  
  
She rolled her neck from side to side and brought her hand up to rub the back. As she glanced out the window, she spotted another woman standing near to where she knew her mother’s grave to be.  
  
  
Curious, she stepped out of the car, locked it and started to walk into the graveyard.  
  
  
Sure enough, as she got closer she saw the woman was standing right in front of her mother’s grave, with a fresh bunch of flowers laying on the gravel.  
  
  
Tara smiled to have that mystery solved.  
  
  
“You’ve been leaving the roses.”  
  
  
The other woman nearly leaped out of her skin and Tara quickly put a hand out to steady her.  
  
  
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”  
  
  
The woman had to catch her breath. She was tall and lean and though her dark hair cut off at her shoulder it bore the easy wave of a cut that had once grown freely down her back. She was in her fifties and though her face looked appropriate for her age, her eyes bore a sadness that put years on her.  
  
  
At that moment, they were also filled with shock.  
  
  
“Tara.”  
  
  
Tara’s hand fell away from the woman’s arm.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, do I know you?”  
  
  
The woman looked like she’d seen a ghost.  
  
  
“I was a…” she stopped and that deep pain flashed in her eyes again, “I was a friend of your mother’s.”  
  
  
“You’re not another secret sister, are you?” Tara joked with a crooked smile.  
  
  
“No, no,” the woman shook her head, brow creased, “Your mother only had one sister. Secret?”  
  
  
“We…” Tara paused for a moment, wondering how much of this she should be getting into with a stranger in a graveyard, “We never saw each other after…mom died. I only found out about her as an adult. I’m sorry, I—”  
  
  
“So you only had your father?” the woman cut her off, her breath audibly catching in her throat.  
  
  
Tara blinked several times and veered away from the question.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I…I’ve forgotten things from before my mother died. A-A lot of stuff happened after. I didn’t know she had a friend who still visited her grave. I’ve never seen you here before.”  
  
  
The woman looked over at the grave and swallowed.  
  
  
“I only recently moved back to the area.”  
  
  
Tara was unsure what vibe she was getting here, but this woman presented a unique opportunity that Tara had been craving. This woman cared enough for her mother to repeatedly bring flowers to her grave; she might have all kinds of stories Tara had never been privy to before. Information to help her feel closer.  
  
  
“Could I buy you a cup of coffee? And you could…tell me about her?” she asked hopeful and cradled her belly, “I’ve been thinking a lot about her since…”  
  
  
The woman looked down at Tara’s stomach, seemingly noticing it for the first time. She lingered a moment too long before meeting Tara’s eye again.  
  
  
“Congratulations.”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Tara smiled.  
  
  
The woman seemed to collect herself and finally nodded.  
  
  
“Why don’t you come back to my place. I’m nearby. I can brew some cinnamon tea.”  
  
  
Tara looked at her curiously.  
  
  
“How did you know I’ve been drinking cinnamon tea?”  
  
  
The woman smiled sadly.  
  
  
“So did she,” she said, exhaling softly toward the headstone, “When she was pregnant with you.”  
  
  
A smile bloomed across Tara’s face and she offered her hand.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t even get your name.”  
  
  
The woman covered Tara’s hand with both of hers and shook it as warmly as any hand had ever been shaken.  
  
  
“Rose. My name is Rose.”  
  
  
“Tara,” Tara replied warmly and laughed at herself, “Which you knew. So you knew me when I was little?”  
  
  
“I did,” Rose smiled, “I did.”  
  
  
They stepped away together and arranged for Tara to follow Rose’s Subaru to her little bungalow, tucked away in forest land down a lane Tara had never noticed before.  
  
  
When she stepped out at the house, the rustle of the trees with the fresh air blowing through triggered something in the back of her mind. She saw herself weaving in and out, chasing a little blonde girl.  
  
  
She shook her head and realized Rose was waiting at the open door so she shut the car door and followed her inside. The house had a cottage feel with warm white walls and gray floors. There was a hook for sweaters or coats to be hung and a cushioned chest to sit and take shoes on or off.  
  
  
The hallway was long and led, presumably, to bedrooms in the back but Tara was brought in at the first door to the living room. It had a big, plush, old couch and another chest like the one she had at home filled with the kid’s toys. This one seemed empty. The coffee table was circular with a gray top that matched the floors but with nothing to decorate it.  
  
  
It all seemed set up for a family, but there was none. There were no displaced cushions or shoes hiding under the couch or any sign that there was anything other than a solitary person living there.  
  
  
Tara perched herself on the couch and sank right back into its old curve. She flashed with another memory; falling back into that couch howling with laughter as her mother’s hands squirmed around trying to tickle her.  
  
  
Again, she was so overcome by the memory she didn’t realize she was lost in it until her attention was pulled to the woman waiting on her.  
  
  
“I’m sorry?”  
  
  
“Do you take honey or sugar?” Rose repeated kindly.  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“Oh, no thank you.”  
  
  
Rose disappeared for a moment and then popped back out with a tray of tea.  
  
  
“Sweet enough,” she said with a fond smile, “That’s what Lisa would say when I asked her.”  
  
  
She sat opposite Tara and began to pour the tea into the cups.  
  
  
“So you wanted to ask some questions?” she asked and her voice held a slightly nervous lilt.  
  
  
Tara accepted a cup gratefully and sipped on it.  
  
  
“Well, um…how did you know my mother?”  
  
  
Rose seemed so stiffen at that but shrugged it off as she lifted her own cup from the tray.  
  
  
“Your father worked with my ex-husband at the quarry,” she answered eventually and sighed softly, “And they became drinking buddies.”  
  
  
“Ah,” Tara replied, figuring she understood exactly what had happened there, “I’m sorry to just impose on you like this. It’s just…all I have of her is my memories and her diary.”  
  
  
She frowned.  
  
  
“She, um…she never wrote about you.”  
  
  
Rose took a slow sip of her tea.  
  
  
“She had more than one.”  
  
  
Tara blinked several times.  
  
  
“Oh. That…makes sense. She never talked about Michelle either. I guess she had to hide a lot from my um…my…father. Understandably.”  
  
  
Rose’s eyes closed and she looked ashamed.  
  
  
“I read that he went to prison,” she said eventually.  
  
  
Tara nodded in a similarly stoic way.  
  
  
“He did.”  
  
  
“When I read the article I worried the woman he shot was you,” Rose replied honestly, “But it said he shot an FBI agent.”  
  
  
“Analyst,” Tara corrected.  
  
  
“Oh,” Rose replied, her brow furrowing.  
  
  
“Mmm,” Tara replied, lifting her cup to her mouth.  
  
  
She missed the bottom of Rose’s jaw shaking.  
  
  
“Tara, if I had known…”  
  
  
Tara felt her shoulders tense. She’d heard that lot.  
  
  
“I’m okay,” she said through an exhale, waving a hand about which landed on her belly, “Who knows if…”  
  
  
“Did he—” Rose started but Tara held her hand up.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I’d really rather not talk about him.”  
  
  
Rose nodded quickly.  
  
  
“Of course.”  
  
  
“I don’t mean to be rude,” Tara replied guiltily, “You’re incredibly kind to invite me into your home.”  
  
  
Rose lifted a hand and brushed the air off to the side.  
  
  
“I never liked talking about him either.”  
  
  
Tara cracked a smile and placed her cup back on the table. She had another memory, coloring on that table. Her eyes automatically glanced at a particular spot and she could actually see some green crayon embedded into the tabletop.  
  
  
“Did you live here, back then? This room feels so familiar,” she said, closing her eyes and shaking her head, “I can see myself playing here with another child.”  
  
  
Rose got that faraway look in her eye she’d had at the grave.  
  
  
“That would be Beth.”  
  
  
Tara held a hand up, recognizing something.  
  
  
“Yes, cousin Beth.”  
  
  
Rose broke out a small smile.  
  
  
“That’s right, you did call her that.”  
  
  
“I had forgotten completely,” Tara smiled, enjoying the release of new positive memories from her childhood that were usually only painful, “Wait, why did I call her cousin Beth if you weren’t sisters? Was she…”  
  
  
“My daughter,” Rose nodded, “You just called her that because you were so close.”  
  
  
Tara noticed the glassy look in her eyes and frowned apologetically.  
  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry.”  
  
  
“Oh she hasn’t passed,” Rose said quickly and covered a hand over her heart for a moment, “I-I left and she…was raised by her father.”  
  
  
Her lower jaw clenched for a moment.  
  
  
“Quite the traditionalist now. My fault. For leaving her with…him.”  
  
  
Tara realized that perhaps her new memories weren’t so new or so pleasant for the other woman. If their fathers were drinking buddies, she could guess the man wasn’t the nicest of men.  
  
  
Feeling too much of an imposition, she politely finished her tea and started to stand.  
  
  
“Well, thank you so much for the tea.”  
  
  
“Oh, no,” Rose replied, standing as well and wiping the back of her hand on her brow, “My pleasure.”  
  
  
She walked Tara to the door and rand a hand down her arm and off past her fingertips.  
  
  
“It really was so nice to see you,” she said, her voice shaking for a moment. “You look just like her.”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly.  
  
  
“I’ve heard that before. I remember her as an angel so it’s quite the compliment.”  
  
  
Rose nodded.  
  
  
“She was.”  
  
  
Tara briefly hugged the other woman.  
  
  
“I’m so glad she had a friend. My father, I…” she stopped and shook her head, “I’m glad she wasn’t alone.”  
  
  
Rose just nodded again.  
  
  
“Goodbye, Tara.”  
  
  
“Goodbye Rose,” Tara replied and waved her fingers over her shoulder as she walked over to her car.  
  
  
She got in and drove out with another quick wave, unsure about how to feel about the whole exchange.  
  
  
At the end of the lane was a left turn home or a right turn back toward the town.  
  
  
After just a moment’s deliberation, she turned right. But instead of driving back into the parking lot of the church like she had fully intended when making the turn, she found herself continuing.  
  
  
She drove further than she had in years, over eight to be exact, and the last memory of this place plagued her mind as she drove up the dirt road.  
  
  
She remembered the quiet.  
  
  
How neither of them had screamed.  
  
  
Just the echo of the bullet as it ripped through the air and then ripped through Willow’s skin.  
  
  
She blinked.  
  
  
Remembering wouldn’t do her any good now.  
  
  
She drove up to the house and just looked at it from the safety of the car for a few minutes.  
  
  
It was abandoned, all but boarded up. Tara had never bothered to find out what happened to it after. She’d rejected any correspondence and tried to move on.  
  
  
It was funny, she didn’t feel like she thought she might by being here. She felt very little. She truly had moved on.  
  
  
But her mother; that longing; that tugging on her heart, she couldn’t move on from that. And that was why she was here.  
  
  
She exited the car and approached the front door. She touched it and when she gave the handle a small push it swung open with a creak.  
  
  
Tara took a step in and admittedly, she felt her stomach flip as she walked inside. She hadn’t actually been inside the house since the day she left for college.  
  
  
She was glad she had the cinnamon tea there as a buffer.  
  
  
She stood in the middle of the hallway and looked around, unsure where to go.  
  
  
Unsure why she’d come here.  
  
  
Her conversation with Rose played back in her mind and she suddenly realized.  
  
  
The diary.  
  
  
Or diaries, as it were.  
  
  
It had come as a surprise to hear there was more than one, but on reflection, it wasn’t that odd. The one Tara had almost exclusively talked about her and started when her mother had found out she was pregnant. Her mother had lived a life before her and outside of her too.  
  
  
But she wasn’t quite sure what she was expecting to find.  
  
  
She’d found the diary she currently had under her Mom’s side of the mattress when she’d been changing the sheets as a tween. There had definitely been only the one. And in two decades there was a more than reasonable chance it any more had been tossed or burned or disintegrated to be lost to time.  
  
  
And yet she felt like she was supposed to be here.  
  
  
She wandered around for a while and everything looked pretty much as it had when she left it that morning at 18 years old to catch the bus to Boston. It was a lot less tidy, as even at that stage she’d cleaned the house from top to toe before she left. It was caked in dust from all the years it had been abandoned and Tara covered her mouth with her sleeve to stop herself from inhaling too much.  
  
  
Her old bedroom looked so tiny compared to the rooms in their home; barely more than a coat closet. But that room also held some of the only good memories she had in that house; of bedtime stories and fort building and singing while her long hair was brushed.  
  
  
She smiled sadly in the doorway and pushed away again. Why was she here again?  
  
  
She walked into the kitchen and leaned on the counter, remembering all of the meals she’d cooked and the laundry she’d hiked up and down from the basement. She remembered her mother getting a new machine when she was about six and having it installed in the basement.  
  
  
She never ever once cursed her mother’s name but on one of those many arduous trips up and down the stairs as a resentful teenager, she had wondered why bother adding the extra strain of coming up and down with heavy laundry when there had been space in the kitchen for the machine to sit.  
  
  
She opened the door of the basement and peeked down. The air was damp and she was almost afraid to put a foot on one of the wooden steps on the stairs but it held her without issue. The bulb was physically blown, exploded, but there was some light from the small rectangle window and she could use the flashlight on her phone to get around.  
  
  
She actually found herself smiling as she looked around. There was plenty of junk around, things her father had broken or discarded but her little rusted pink bike was there and a macaroni photo frame she’d made in the first grade that had stood the test of time and an old Office Depot box that somehow hadn’t crumbled into nothingness.  
  
  
Tara opened the box a little tentatively but there were just pages inside. Mostly drawings she’d done as a child; free-spirited and outside the lines of course. She decided she’d bring them home to show Willow, who would love any glimpse at her younger self.  
  
  
It was light enough for her to carry easily and with a final little look around, she decided she’d gotten more than she could have expected from coming here and turned to leave.  
  
  
She put her phone in her pocket so she could carry the box and turned toward where she knew the stairs were.  
  
  
On her second step, she suddenly found her foot tripping from under her.  
  
  
She dropped the box and grabbed her stomach, panting as the fright left her body.  
  
  
“We’re okay, babies,” she said quietly, still catching her breath, “We’re okay.”  
  
  
She bent back down to feel for the box and right before she was about to get her phone out again to see, her hand gave way to a faulty floorboard. She felt it move like a little lopsided see-saw under her hand’s pressure and it didn’t feel like it was crumbling from damp, which would have made her bolt before she got trapped down there.  
  
  
She used the flashlight to peer the light over it and her breath caught when she saw what was inside.  
  
  
“Oh.”  
  
  
Her hand touched over the familiar front of a diary, one of a few sitting inside. She lifted it out and traced the flower drawn on the front, a rose.  
  
  
With slightly trembling fingers, she opened to the page and read the first three words.  
  
  
A different three words left her mouth.  
  
  
“Oh my god.”


	14. Chapter 14

* * *

_**Chapter Nine** _  


* * *

Tara gently sank back onto her knees and as she wiped her hands free from the clawing pebbles that had embedded themselves into her palms.  
  
  
She placed one palm on the last remaining diary, the first one she'd plucked from their underground sanctuary, then reached out to trace the letters of her mother’s name on her grave.  
  
  
“Well, Momma. I came here to feel closer to you,” she said and just chuckled, “I certainly feel like I know you in a whole new way.”  
  
  
Her brow slowly furrowed into a v shape.  
  
  
“Was she your Willow?” she asked softly.  
  
  
A gentle breeze ran across the gravel and a petal from the bunch of roses still sitting there blew off and hit Tara in the chest. Tara plucked it between her fingertips and exhaled gently.  
  
  
“She was your Rose,” she said understandingly, “I guess she’s needed to feel close to you too.”  
  
  
The petal flew from her fingers and landed a foot away. Tara just laughed.  
  
  
“Okay, Mom. I get it. I’m going.”  
  
  
She had to use the headstone for leverage to get herself back up but she didn’t think her mother would mind. She pressed her fingers to her lips and then against the grave one last time before returning to the car. She drove toward the little lane she’d left earlier.  
  
  
She approached the bungalow with her arms crossed in an X shape across her chest with that last old diary nestled inside. She reached out to ring the doorbell and took a step back. Her heart was pounding a bit.  
  
  
Rose answered the door and looked surprised but pleased to see her again.  
  
  
“Oh, Tara. Hello again. Did you forget something?”  
  
  
Tara found herself a bit overcome at the sight of the other woman and just shook her head silently; reticently.  
  
  
Rose started to frown.  
  
  
“Tara, is everything alright?”  
  
  
Tara looked up and almost felt like a child again afraid to ask a question she wasn't sure of the answer to. She slowly met Rose’s eye.  
  
  
“Were you lovers?”  
  
  
Her voice cracked and she had to swallow repeatedly to get the moisture back.  
  
  
Rose remained stony-faced for a long moment before stepping back and opening the door fully.  
  
  
“You better come in.”  
  
  
Tara stepped over the threshold and wordlessly returned to sit on the big couch. Rose hung back awkwardly, her face pale.  
  
  
“Would you like more tea?” she offered with a dry voice.  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
  
Rose perched uncomfortably on the edge of an armchair. The silence hung in the air until Rose broke it moments later.  
  
  
“How did you…?”  
  
  
Tara looked down at the diary and slowly released her grip before handing it across to Rose.  
  
  
“I only read the first three words,” she said quietly, “It was all I needed to read.”  
  
  
Rose took the diary and opened the cover with trembling hands. She gasped quietly when she recognized the handwriting. Her finger followed the first three words.  
  
  
_Rose, my love…_  
  
  
It took every hard-fought-for ounce of strength she had not to crumble on the spot as her hand caressed the old and withered but still legible page.  
  
  
“Where did you find this?” she asked eventually with just a single crack of her voice.  
  
  
“I went to the house,” Tara answered, gnawing on the side of her lip, “A bunch of them were hidden away. That one was on top.”  
  
  
Rose looked up and there were unshed tears in her eyes.  
  
  
“Please don’t think less of your mother. She was an amazing, beautiful human being.”  
  
  
Tara slowly frowned.  
  
  
“…why would I think less of her?”  
  
  
Rose closed her eyes and swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“Some people don’t…well they don’t approve of…”  
  
  
“Oh,” Tara replied, confused for a moment as she tried to work out exactly what was being said, “Oh!”  
  
  
She reached into her pocket and unlocked her phone so the wallpaper was on view. She turned it around so Rose could see. Rose took it but it only served to make her look more confused.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, what am I looking at?”  
  
  
“My family,” Tara answered softly and made a point to tap her finger against Willow’s image, “My wife.”  
  
  
A long breath released from Rose’s body.  
  
  
“Oh.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara smiled down at the image, “Oh.”  
  
  
Rose seemed to be taking it all in and Tara didn’t interrupt.  
  
  
“You have beautiful children,” she said eventually, unable to take her eyes off the screen, “Can I ask their names?”  
  
  
“This is Jacob and that’s Robyn,” Tara pointed out, “And that’s Willow.”  
  
  
“What a wonderful, kind smile,” Rose said, nodding and sniffling along the way, “All of them.”  
  
  
She reluctantly handed it back and seemed to look relieved.  
  
  
“Oh my, I think I need a glass of water.”  
  
  
She got up to go into the kitchen again and Tara watched her down a glass through the open doorway. Rose leaned over the sink with her back hunched and Tara looked away; feeling like she was intruding. She waited patiently and quickly texted Willow that she’d be home a little late today.  
  
  
Suddenly Rose appeared in the open doorway again.  
  
  
“We were going to take you both and go, you know,” she said, lifting her hand to her forehead and dropping her gaze, “We talked about it all the time. We’d even squirreled away money. We were going to start a new life somewhere in New England. We’d pretend-argue because she wanted to go to Connecticut and I wanted to go to New Hampshire. We’d kid that we would end up somewhere in Massachusetts.”  
  
  
It felt like she was atoning and Tara didn’t know how to absolve her.  
  
  
“I went to college in Boston,” she said eventually, just to say something.  
  
  
Rose looked up and slowly brought herself back to her chair.  
  
  
“She would have been very proud of that,” she replied with a small smile and looked lost for a moment before bringing herself back, “I never asked what you do.”  
  
  
Tara kept her hands clasped between her knees.  
  
  
“I’m a social worker.”  
  
  
Rose smiled again.  
  
  
“Like your aunt.”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“That’s how we ended up meeting again. We work in the same office.”  
  
  
Rose shook her head softly.  
  
  
“Life is funny.”  
  
  
“Life is…something,” Tara agreed and found her thumbs moving around each other as she tried to process everything and not wonder what a nice life she might have had with two moms in Massachusetts, “Can I ask what happened…after?”  
  
  
Immediately pain filled Rose’s features; her eyes darkening and the sags in her skin growing heavier while the skin around her mouth somehow got tauter. Tara quickly waved her hands in front of her.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, that’s too much. Forget it.”  
  
  
She didn’t like to talk about that time either; she couldn’t expect anyone else to.  
  
  
Rose closed her eyes for a moment.  
  
  
“No,” she said sternly as if talking to her own thoughts then looked back at Tara with a softer eye, “I’d like to answer everything I can for you. You deserve that.”  
  
  
“Please don’t feel obligated to share anything you don’t want to,” Tara replied, laying her hands out indicatively, “You had a personal relationship, I’m not trying to pry. You can understand my mind is a little blown.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Rose nodded sympathetically and reached out to touch her knee, “Me too, to see you. All grown up.”  
  
  
Her hand lifted and touched Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“So beautiful. Just like her.”  
  
  
She let her hand fall away and sat up more fully in her seat; lifting her shoulders to keep herself poised.  
  
  
“You asked what happened after,” she stopped to take a breath, “It was like my heart was ripped out but I had to pretend it wasn’t. Stand at her graveside watching her being lowered into the ground and pretend that half my soul wasn’t going with her.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t even remember the funeral. She remembered not wanting to go at all. Maybe she hadn’t. That time was such a blur.  
  
  
“I didn’t cope, to say the least,” Rose continued, rolling her eyes at herself, “I came close to a breakdown and decided I had to leave. I needed to be somewhere I could talk about who she was to me. I tried to bring Beth but her father fought it and well…I let him win. It will always be my greatest shame.”  
  
  
Tara reached over and squeezed her hand. She couldn't just ignore someone who needed comfort; it was her mother's legacy in her.  
  
  
“Where did you go?”  
  
  
Rose smiled softly.  
  
  
“I went to Connecticut like she wanted. And New Hampshire. And Massachusetts. And a handful of other places as well. But I never quite found the connection I had lost.”  
  
  
“You never found anyone else?” Tara asked gently.  
  
  
Rose just flicked her hand dismissively.  
  
  
“How can you be with someone when you’ve already found your soulmate? It’s not fair for anyone involved. They can never be…It can never be…”  
  
  
She paused and visibly tensed her face to stop tears.  
  
  
“I understand,” Tara replied honestly, feeling a similar rise of emotion rise from inside, “My wife, I…”  
  
  
Her face tensed in the same way.  
  
  
“I understand.”  
  
  
They both held each other’s hand for a moment and didn’t let go even when they’d pulled themselves back together.  
  
  
“Can I ask if my father knew about your relationship?” Tara asked when she felt they were both ready to speak again.  
  
  
“During, I’m not sure, to be honest,” Rose answered with a discreet swipe of a finger against her eye, “No one questioned our close friendship in those days and we were careful around you girls not to be affectionate. After, certainly. My ex-husband saw how I reacted and put two and two together when he found old letters. He told me the only reason he wasn’t blasting my name all over town as the resident degenerate was out of respect for your father.”  
  
  
Tara slowly exhaled.  
  
  
“That explains why he reacted so violently when he found out I have a wife.”  
  
  
Rose frowned.  
  
  
“I’m sorry?”  
  
  
Tara held a hand up and sighed.  
  
  
“You said you read why he went to prison earlier.”  
  
  
“But it wasn’t you,” Rose replied, confused.  
  
  
“No, but it was meant for me. The bullet,” Tara clarified and swallowed deeply, “My wife jumped in front of it.”  
  
  
Rose physically reeled back.  
  
  
“Oh my god.”  
  
  
“I watched them shock her back to life,” Tara said, her voice taking on a little tremble, “So I can’t understand everything you went through. But I do…I do get the terror.”  
  
  
Rose held a hand against her chest.  
  
  
“Is she alright?”  
  
  
Tara smiled a watery smile.  
  
  
“She’s perfect. She’s my…absolutely everything.”  
  
  
They shared another tender look until they were interrupted by Tara’s phone emitting a beeping sound. She quickly reached into her pocket to turn it off.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I have some pregnancy complications and I have to eat regularly. I should—”  
  
  
“I can make you something,” Rose interrupted and quickly stood, “If you’d like.”  
  
  
Tara smiled gratefully and stood too.  
  
  
“Yes. Thank you. Let me help.”  
  
  
Rose smiled as she led her into the kitchen.  
  
  
“I’m guessing your tastes have moved past pancakes.”  
  
  
“I still make them with my kids,” Tara answered, smiling sadly, “My wife says if I hadn’t already wooed her, the pancakes would have done it. Mom's recipe; never fails.”  
  
  
Rose opened a cabinet where an old fashioned CD player was sitting on the lowest shelf.  
  
  
“What about The Beatles?”  
  
  
Tara grinned.  
  
  
They put together a cold salad plate while listening to the ‘Revolver’ album, one that had featured heavily in Tara's childhood, and brought it to the kitchen table to eat from. Tara pierced an edamame bean and asked a question as she brought it to her mouth.  
  
  
“You said earlier you knew her when she was pregnant? When did you meet?”  
  
  
Everything felt a bit more relaxed now and Rose seemed to find the memories a bit fonder to recall.  
  
  
“I was working as a mechanic and she would buy food in the store across the street from my auto-shop. We discovered our husbands worked together so we became friendly. We were both newly married. She was 19, I was 20. And yes, she was pregnant. I helped her back to her car when she got a bit dizzy that first day. Well, the first day we spoke. I’d noticed her before.”  
  
  
She blushed and it made Tara smile. She thought for a moment, then started to shake her head.  
  
  
“Wait, no, my mom was a few years older than that when she had me. I've seen my birth certificate.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Rose replied, pursing her lips for a moment like she’d revealed a secret, “Well…yes. She was.”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“I-I don’t understand. Was she pregnant before me?”  
  
  
Rose inhaled and finally exhaled it out again.  
  
  
“She was. But it wasn’t successful,” she answered in an apologetic tone as if it were her fault, “She miscarried just shy of 19 weeks. It was a boy. She called him Donald after her grandfather.”  
  
  
Tara looked stricken and Rose frowned in concern.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I’ve upset you.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed silently. A hand cradled her belly/  
  
  
“It’s just…that’s where I am now. 19 weeks.”  
  
  
“Oh darling I’m sure everything will be okay,” Rose reassured.  
  
  
Tara just nodded.  
  
  
“I never knew,” she said, wiping a finger against her brow, “Michelle never told me.”  
  
  
“I don’t think she knew, to be honest,” Rose replied with an unsure frown, “Your mother and aunt were estranged for a while. They didn’t reconnect until their parents died. And it wasn’t something Lisa liked to talk about. To remember, honestly. And your father never got over the idea of losing a son. So it didn't come up much.”  
  
  
“Is that why she married my father?” Tara asked with an arched eyebrow, “Because she was pregnant?”  
  
  
Rose sighed sadly.  
  
  
“It was expected of them even before she knew she was pregnant. But the pregnancy sped things up. She told me when she found out it was all done in a rush before people suspected. That’s why Lisa and Michelle were estranged. She didn’t ask Michelle to the wedding. As far as I’m aware Michael tried to stop her parents from coming even, but they did in the end.”  
  
  
Tara rested her head on her upturned hand.  
  
  
“I remember seeing their wedding album. Everyone looked miserable.”  
  
  
Rose nodded in agreement.  
  
  
“She told me all of this later. I think she was afraid to voice any of it for a long time,” she said and reached out to cover Tara’s hand, “She regretted a lot but she never regretted you.”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly; she had no trouble believing that.  
  
  
“Tell me if this is too intrusive but you don’t have any photographs of you back then, do you? I’m sure I remember you if we spent so much time together but I just can’t place you.”  
  
  
Rose thought for a moment, then stood up and left the room. She returned with a small notebook and sat down again before opening the cover and taking out a folded photograph, which she handed over to Tara.  
  
  
“My Mom,” Tara whispered reverently, touching the image of her mother’s face.  
  
  
In the photo, she was gazing off to the folded side and Tara peeled it back to see the full thing. On the hidden side, it was a woman laughing and it took a moment for Tara to realize it was actually Rose. She looked so different; so light, carefree. Happy.  
  
  
They both looked so happy.  
  
  
“Look how she looks at you…” she said reverently and had to smile at a particular feature, “You were a redhead.”  
  
  
Rose rested her chin on top of her fist and allowed herself a full moment to remember.  
  
  
“Red Rose.”  
  
  
Tara suddenly started humming without even meaning to.  
  
  
“Red roses from my Red Rose,” she sang, so quiet she almost couldn’t be heard at all, “She used to hum that and sing while she put them in a vase. I can see the sun shining in from the back yard into the kitchen and she’d take my hand and dance. They made her so happy.”  
  
  
She brought her thumb and forefinger up to pinch the bridge of her nose to stop any tears.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I’ve been having a lot of memories come forward today. It’s a little overwhelming.”  
  
  
Rose just came around and held Tara from behind, kissing the top of her head. It some ways it was way too familiar, but Tara still found herself accepting the comfort.  
  
  
Over the next few hours, they moved between Rose filling Tara in on what life was like for her and Lisa back then and Tara telling Rose what had become of her life now. It still wasn’t quite real for Tara to hear of this side of her mother’s life she never knew existed; everything played in her mind like a movie though she politely didn’t mention this to Rose.  
  
  
She couldn’t be sure but she thought she saw the other woman become more unburdened as their conversation went on.  
  
  
“We drank wine and read poetry,” Rose reminisced, “We actually came to enjoy our husbands going off to drink because we knew it was a few extra precious hours together.  
  
  
“When Willow and I first started dating we would lie in bed and read poems,” Tara shared fondly, “I loved it. Reading poetry together felt so intimate and warm. That must be where I got it from.”  
  
  
“Sometimes we all did that on a Sunday morning with you girls when your fathers were working overtime,” Rose replied and even know kindly didn’t add ‘or were hungover’, “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul. And sings the tune without the words—”  
  
  
“And never stops at all,” Tara finished from a place inside her that she wasn’t entirely sure of but felt familiar and loving.  
  
  
Rose beamed to hear her say those words, so like Lisa and yet still so like herself.  
  
  
“You remember. Emily Dickenson.”  
  
  
Emily,” Tara’s breath caught softly, “Emily Dickenson. I do remember. I always have.”  
  
  
Her heart felt full as the conversation went back and forth to learn and relearn many things.  
  
  
She was quite happy to sit and chat with this older lady until she suddenly caught sight of the time.  
  
  
“Oh my god. I really need to get home. I told my wife I’d be late but I didn’t tell her I’d be miss-dinner-and-bedtime late.”  
  
  
Rose quickly stood and lifted the diary Tara had brought earlier to hand back to her.  
  
  
Tara looked at it for a moment, then shook her head.  
  
  
“No,” she said, gently pushing it back, “You should keep that one.”  
  
  
Rose looked touched and held it to her chest.  
  
  
“I’ll treasure it.”  
  
  
They walked to the front door and Tara put her purse over her shoulder. She turned before opening the door.  
  
  
“Would you like to stay in contact?” she offered, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear shyly, “Is that too much?”  
  
  
Rose shook her head with tears pricking her eyes.  
  
  
“No, darling, I’d love to.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and they hugged. Rose opened the door for Tara and she stepped out into the darker sky than it had been when she came in.  
  
  
“Can I ask one last thing?” Tara asked from the doorway.  
  
  
Rose nodded.  
  
  
“Anything.”  
  
  
“Why’d you come back?” Tara asked with a curious crease of her brow.  
  
  
Rose smiled sadly.  
  
  
“I know I can never get her back,” she said with the hurt in her voice a little less raw than Tara had heard it before, “But I felt like this place we called home would be the closest I’d ever get again. So I sold my businesses and decided I’d try out retirement here to see if I was right.”  
  
  
Her fingers brushed Tara’s upper arm.  
  
  
“And I think I was.”  
  
  
Tara offered another hug.  
  
  
“I will call you. Maybe you could meet my family.”  
  
  
“I would love to,” Rose replied, smiling when she felt Tara’s belly press into her.  
  
  
Tara pulled herself away and smiled sincerely.  
  
  
“Thank you, Rose.”  
  
  
Rose waved a hand dismissively.  
  
  
“It was just some salad.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“No. For loving her,” she clarified, “It means the world knowing that all of the bad stuff I know she went through, that someone was loving her through it.”  
  
  
Rose placed a hand over her heart.  
  
  
“She gave it back in spades.”  
  
  
“I know she did,” Tara nodded and lifted a hand to wave, “Bye Rose. Talk soon, I hope.”  
  
  
“Goodbye Tara,” Rose replied with a similar wave and stood in the doorway watching Tara leave until she had completely disappeared down the laneway.  
  
  
Tara was silent the whole way home. She didn’t turn on a playlist or flick on the radio or even open the window to hear the sounds going by outside. She just drove, alone with her thoughts.  
  
  
The street was quiet when she arrived home and so was the house when she let herself in. The kitchen light was on so Tara left the box on the floor and made her way in there.  
  
  
Willow was standing at the island peeling orange segments.  
  
  
“Hey,” Tara greeted softly, making Willow look up and smile, “I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
She came over to give Willow a kiss, who smiled into it.  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Willow replied, throwing some fruit into her mouth, “I’m making school lunches.”  
  
  
“Oh, let me help,” Tara said and rolled up her sleeves.  
  
  
She took an apple and started to cut out star shapes for Robyn.  
  
  
“Did you take yourself out for a date?” Willow asked, still smiling over at Tara.  
  
  
Tara bumped Willow’s shoulder with her own.  
  
  
“If I’m going on a date, I want you there.”  
  
  
Willow pressed her lips to Tara’s cheek. Tara leaned into it and exhaled softly.  
  
  
“I actually have a lot to tell you.”  
  
  
“You do?” Willow asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“I was hoping we could finish up and go snuggle.”  
  
  
Willow bounced up on her toes.  
  
  
“Don’t have to convince me.”  
  
  
Tara rubbed Willow’s shoulders for a moment.  
  
  
“Did the kids go down okay? I’m sorry I missed bedtime.”  
  
  
“Robyn tried to fight but binky won the battle,” Willow smiled, “I know it’s great she only takes it at bedtime now but…I am not looking forward to not having it. Oh, and she removed her pull-up and climbed up on the toilet after brushing her teeth all on her own. She’s so cute, she has this tinkle smile when she goes and she grins from ear to ear.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and went to the fridge to get the bread.  
  
  
“JJ asked for a roll-up instead of a sandwich,” Willow said just before Tara closed the door.  
  
  
Tara put the bread back and got the wraps out instead. As she spread it out on the counter, she noticed Willow about to twist off the lid of the peanut butter.  
  
  
“Oh, we have to switch out Robyn’s peanut butter to almond butter. There’s a kid with an allergy in daycare this year.”  
  
  
“Whoops!” Willow replied, turning to put the jar back in the cabinet, “Do we have almond butter?”  
  
  
“Top shelf,” Tara instructed as she rolled the filled wrap up and cut it in three to fit in the lunchbox.  
  
  
They finished up the lunches and left them in the fridge for the morning.  
  
  
Willow turned to face Tara and laid her hands on her thighs.  
  
  
“Couch?”  
  
  
“Bed?” Tara counter-offered and Willow gave something akin to a tinkle smile.  
  
  
“Lead the way.”  
  
  
Tara passed by Willow and linked their fingers along the way to gently pull her past the kiddie gates to get upstairs into the sanctuary of their bedroom.  
  
  
Tara had to just sit on the end of the bed for a minute; it had been a day.  
  
  
Willow silently picked out some light pajamas for her and handed them off in a pile. Tara smiled and curled her finger toward herself, inviting Willow closer. She kissed Willow’s lips when she was close enough and lingered, feeling her energy replenish from the contact.  
  
  
Leaving the clothes in her lap, her hands slid up Willow’s cheeks and held her face.  
  
  
“Mmm. I love you,” she whispered through a natural pause in the kiss.  
  
  
One hand moved behind Willow’s neck and massaged there for a moment before falling off.  
  
  
She changed into the pajamas while Willow did the same with her own. When Tara finished changing first, she may have watched Willow shimmy into her PJs.  
  
  
Finally, Willow laid down beside Tara and booped her nose.  
  
  
“Caught you looking.”  
  
  
“I wasn’t trying to hide it,” Tara smiled and Willow ducked her head but answered with the same adoring look.  
  
  
“So what wild adventure did you get up to today that had your wife worrying half to death?”  
  
  
Tara’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“Oh Willow, I’m sorry.”  
  
  
Willow shrugged her outer shoulder.  
  
  
“I know you haven’t had any hypos or anything but I still worry you’ll be alone or…”  
  
  
“I made sure to eat when I was supposed to and I checked my sugars in the car,” Tara reassured.  
  
  
Willow’s over-attentiveness had frustrated her sometimes lately but it was hard to be annoyed when she was looking straight at her with those earnest eyes.  
  
  
Willow looked down.  
  
  
“You’d worry too if…”  
  
  
Tara couldn’t disagree.  
  
  
“I would. But you know I would never do anything to put the babies at risk.”  
  
  
“And you,” Willow added pointedly, placing her palm over Tara’s heart, “The babies’ Mommy is very important too.”  
  
  
Tara brushed her thumb against Willow’s bottom lip.  
  
  
“I love you.”  
  
  
Willow's eyes narrowed playfully.  
  
  
“You keep saying that and now I’m getting suspicious.”  
  
  
Tara blinked quickly, several times.  
  
  
“I don’t know where to start.”  
  
  
Willow brought her hand to Tara’s hip and held her there.  
  
  
“Last I knew you were going to visit your mom.”  
  
  
“I did,” Tara nodded slowly, “And someone else was there.”  
  
  
Willow audibly took in a sharp breath and Tara immediately cupped her cheek and moved closer.  
  
  
“Sssh, ssh. Everything is okay. It wasn’t him. He’s in prison.”  
  
  
Willow gulped and closed her glassy eyes.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I know. I know he’s—” she stopped before she tumbled right into anger, “Just had a moment. I’m sorry. Tell me. Who was there?”  
  
  
“A woman,” Tara answered simply, taking a long break before continuing, “She said she was a friend of my mom’s that recently moved back to the area.”  
  
  
Willow nodded her head quickly.  
  
  
“That’s…cool!” she said finally, looking to Tara for confirmation, “That’s cool, right? You never knew any of your mom’s friends. Kinda thought your Dad had chased ‘em all away, honestly.”  
  
  
“So did I,” Tara replied, pursing her lips for a moment, “But she was a…special friend.”  
  
  
“Like from childhood?” Willow asked curiously.  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“Like sisters?” Willow guessed again, eyes slowly widening.  
  
  
Tara's mouth opened and closed again before she finally spoke.  
  
  
“Like lovers.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes almost bugged out of her head.  
  
  
“WHAT!?”  
  
  
Tara reached out and pulled her back by the shoulder.  
  
  
“Shh, you’ll wake Robyn.”  
  
  
“Your mom was a lesbian?!” Willow almost cut her off, mouth hanging open.  
  
  
“We didn’t get into the nitty-gritty of labels,” Tara answered, biting the corner of her lip, “But they were a couple. They were a couple since before I was born. She was my mom’s birthing partner, she was my mom’s escape, she was my mom’s…everything.”  
  
  
Willow let out a breath.  
  
  
“Whoa.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara agreed, swallowing deeply, “It was intense. And when I went back to the house—”  
  
  
“Wait, wait, wait,” Willow interrupted, waving her hands, “Which house? YOUR house? The one you grew up in? The one where—”  
  
  
Tara lifted a finger to Willow’s lips.  
  
  
“Yes. That house.”  
  
  
Willow accepted the move to shut her up and tried to rein in the emotion.  
  
  
“Why?” she asked finally.  
  
  
Tara brought a hand up to her own forehead and massaged there for a moment.  
  
  
“I think I need to go back and tell you from the start.”  
  
  
Willow nodded evenly.  
  
  
“Yeah, I think you might.”  
  
  
So Tara took a deep breath and recounted her day with the multiple trips to the graveside, breaking into her old house and the hours spent learning about parts of her mother’s life she never knew existed.  
  
  
Even Willow looked exhausted by the time she was finished and Tara realized she too was feeling tiredness beyond her normal pregnancy fatigue.  
  
  
“Baby, that is insane,” Willow said with her eyebrows permanently risen on her brow, “How do you feel about it all?”  
  
  
“It’s a lot,” Tara admitted, “And Rose, she…she seemed so broken. Even still.”  
  
  
“I get that,” Willow replied softly and Tara pressed her hand over Willow’s heart again where the small scar remained.  
  
  
“Me too.”  
  
  
She tucked some hair behind Willow’s ear affectionately.  
  
  
“But I’m glad to know she — my mom — had some light in her life. And it’s not like it’s a big shock that my parents’ relationship wasn’t happy. I’d like to see her again. Rose, I mean. She knew my mom when she was pregnant with me, she knew her…she knew her better than anyone. I have a chance to feel close to her again. And that was why I was visiting the grave in the first place.”  
  
  
“I hope…” Willow stopped to consider her words carefully, “I hope you get what you need.”  
  
  
Tara just nodded and leaned in for a smooch.  
  
  
When they parted, Willow’s shoulders bounced excitedly.  
  
  
“Okay, I’ve held this in as long as I could,” she said, starting to grin, “Did you say you had baby Tara drawings?!”  
  
  
Tara put her hand on Willow’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze.  
  
  
“I’m so tired. Can we look at them tomorrow?”  
  
  
Willow considered it.  
  
  
“I’ll wait and hold you until you fall asleep.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and pulled Willow into her again.  
  
  
“Deal.”  
  
  
She placed a kiss in the hollow of Willow’s throat before turning back around to scoot off the bed and head to their bathroom to brush her teeth.  
  
  
Willow already had the covers pulled back for her when she was done and promised to plug Tara’s phone in to charge as Tara sleepily fell back into bed.  
  
  
Tara felt Willow’s arms close around her from behind and with a little kiss to the back of her neck, sleep overtook her quickly and peacefully.  
  
  
Willow waited a whole ten minutes before sneaking down to get a rare glimpse of her wife’s youth.  
  
  
There were lots of drawings of nature and animals and then one labeled ‘My Family’ that had two women and two girls with a big house under a rainbow. It had been ripped in half and taped back together and Willow could guess who had done the ripping.  
  
  
Still, it was a case of a picture telling a thousand words and Willow felt comforted that Tara had seen her family like so at such a young age. It made sense now to Willow why Tara had never really needed to come out and it wasn't because she hadn't had anyone to come out to. It was just because it had always felt normal to her.  
  
  
“Still learning about you,” she whispered, smiling, “Like how much you hated staying inside the lines, apparently.”  
  
  
She took the bundle of pictures out because that box looked _really old_ and brought them upstairs to carefully put away in a safer place.  
  
  
She got back into bed and snuggled up to her wife, feeling joy just to know her that little bit more.


	15. Chapter 15

* * *

_**Chapter Ten** _  


* * *

“Hey Willow.”  
  
  
Willow looked up from her phone as she heard the familiar voice call her name and spotted Xander standing a few feet away paying for his coffee order while she waited at the pick-up point for her mocha and Tara’s passion tango tea. She smiled and waved.  
  
  
“Hey, Xan. How's it going?”  
  
  
“Escaping the fam?” Xander asked as he sidled up beside her.  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“No, they’re with our parents. Going to the zoo! Robyn’s birthday treat! Thankfully she’s still young enough to not be mad at us for going a bit more low-key this year. She thinks she’s getting multiple birthdays because people keep taking her out or bringing her presents. She loves the ice-cream cart toy you got her by the way.”  
  
  
“Pixie is obsessed with hers,” Xander grinned, “Turns out imaginary ice-cream is the only kind that’s kind to my waistline.”  
  
  
He patted his stomach and smiled.  
  
  
“Out for some self-love?” he smiled awkwardly, “I mean, uh, on a solo date?”  
  
  
Willow shook her head again.  
  
  
“Tara’s in the car. I was picking her up from yoga and she had a craving hence immediate stoppage for satisfaction.”  
  
  
“Oh the cravings,” Xander chuckled in solidarity, “At least this one didn’t come at 2 am.”  
  
  
“Pfft, 2 am?” Willow waved her hand dismissively, “2 am is nothing. I was in Wegmans at 4 the other night because we only had gala apples and Tara said she would die if she couldn’t have a pink lady. She actually said those words to me; that she would die.”  
  
  
“Payback’s a bitch, huh?” Xander grinned.  
  
  
Willow exhaled through a laugh.  
  
  
“You’re telling me. I keep telling myself I wasn’t this bad, but honestly, I was worse.”  
  
  
“And now she has a personal chauffeur,” Xander replied, gesturing indicatively.  
  
  
Willow shook her head to herself.  
  
  
“She’s finding driving pretty uncomfortable now she’s getting so big.”  
  
  
“Isn’t she only 20 weeks?” Xander asked with a curious lift on the corner of his mouth.  
  
  
“With twins,” Willow amended and Xander began nodding.  
  
  
“I keep forgetting that part,” he said, then leaned in conspiringly, “Does that mean double the hormones?”  
  
  
“It sure feels like it,” Willow chuckled.  
  
  
“Wallow,” a barista called out and Willow retrieved her drinks with a sullen ‘thanks’.  
  
  
“Wallow isn’t even a name! It’s an act!” she complained quietly to Xander.  
  
  
“Xander,” the same barista called out perfectly and he smiled at her as he collected his order.  
  
  
Willow rolled her eyes but waited for Xander to walk back out to their cars. She backed up against the door to open it and used her foot to hold it open while Xander walked out.  
  
  
“Anya would eviscerate you if I told her you were flirting with the cute barista.”  
  
  
Xander countered her with a boyish grin.  
  
  
“And Tara would hormone-hulk-out if I told her you said she was cute.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes narrowed.  
  
  
“You’re playing hardball, Harris.”  
  
  
Xander shrugged both shoulders.  
  
  
“I’m just—”  
  
  
Before he could say whatever he was going to say, they both winced as a loud skidding sound rattled their eardrums from mere feet away.  
  
  
One of Willow’s arms raised instinctively as if shielding her eyes might stop the sound but all it did was block the sun from her gaze and allow her to watch as a white dump truck speedily skidded through a red light, out of control. She heard lots of beeping and then yelling, all in a split second; the same split second that she noticed the car directly in the path of the oncoming collision was hers.  
  
  
The one she’d left Tara in.  
  
  
Everything slowed to an almost inert state.  
  
  
The drinks fell at Willow’s feet and splashed all over the ground and Tara’s name rang through the air; so shrill and slow that Willow didn’t even realize she was the one screaming it.  
  
  
One foot took a running step forward but then there were arms around her middle, tugging her back and everything changed back to real-time. Willow felt her feet being lifted off the ground and her body tugged back right as the truck slammed into the car and turned it into a sideways accordion.  
  
  
Willow was fighting Xander’s grip, twisting and turning to get out of his arms.  
  
  
“Tara! Tara! Tara!”  
  
  
“What the hell happened?!”  
  
  
Xander, and in turn Willow who was still being held by him, spun around to spot Tara standing behind them with her mouth hung open.  
  
  
Xander let go of Willow and brought both of his hands up to his head in shock. Willow stumbled toward Tara with a small frown on her face.  
  
  
“Tara?” she asked in a small, child-like voice.  
  
  
Before Tara could answer, Willow promptly dropped to her knees and threw up.  
  
  
“Oh my god,” Tara said and did her best to bend down and comfort Willow while looking up at Xander.  
  
  
Xander was taking in large breaths.  
  
  
“We thought you were in the car,” he said, dropping a hand to his chest, “We thought you were in the car.”  
  
  
“I-I had to pee,” Tara explained, her hand moving over her belly, “I couldn’t hold it. I-I can’t hold it anymore.”  
  
  
There was a fresh wave of panicked yelling and Xander looked over his shoulder to where a group of people were trying to get the unconscious truck driver out of his seat. He ran over to help and Tara focused back on Willow.  
  
  
“Hey,” she said, stroking Willow’s hair and coaxing her gaze back up, “Hey.”  
  
  
Willow looked up and every part of her was shaking; Tara was sure she could even see the hairs in her eyebrows trembling. She closed Willow’s hand in hers and brought it up to her face.  
  
  
“Touch me. I’m here. I’m right here.”  
  
  
Willow held a shaky hand against Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“I-I thought I lost you, I thought I lost all of you.”  
  
  
Tara held Willow’s hand right where it was, firmly.  
  
  
“I know. But I’m—”  
  
  
There was another sudden loud explosion and a few people screamed while flames started spitting from the engine of the truck. Both Willow and Tara were knocked back onto their butts but were at a safe enough distance not to have any damage but for the ringing in their ears.  
  
  
Willow started looking around desperately. Tara spotted who she was looking for first.  
  
  
“Xander’s okay, he’s clearing the scene. They got that man out. C’mon, we gotta move back a bit. It’s okay.”  
  
  
They both scooted back, still on the ground, neither quite able to get their legs out from under them.  
  
  
When they were back as far as the gathering crowd would allow, Tara closed her arms around Willow, holding her as close as she could. She kissed her neck, repeatedly, and tried to keep the tears at bay.  
  
  
“Everything is…”  
  
  
_not_  
  
  
“Okay.”  
  


* * *

  
Willow walked into the bedroom with a ream of papers she was tidying away into a folder.  
  
  
“Okay, I went through all of our insurance documents and it’s obviously a write-off. We were going to have to buy a bigger car anyway so it’s not too big of a financial deal. I might have to rent something while we get things dealt with but I’ve been looking up safety ratings for minivans and I’ve got a solid five choices we can look into if you’re cool with it.”  
  
  
Tara blinked; barely processing a word of that. Her blood pressure had bottomed out when the adrenaline wore off and she’d nearly fainted, leaving her stuck in bed all day with a long time to think.  
  
  
“Yeah, sure, whatever. I-I don’t really care about the car right now.”  
  
  
Willow left the folder on top of the dresser and came over to the bed, kneeling on top of it opposite Tara.  
  
  
“Sorry. Going into research mode…helped.”  
  
  
“And kiddie cuddles,” Tara replied quietly.  
  
  
“I think Jake has doled out all the hugs we’re getting for the rest of the year,” Willow joked weakly and looked down, “That guy is okay. The driver. Xander called.”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Good. That’s good.”  
  
  
Willow’s jaw tensed.  
  
  
“I wouldn’t care if he wasn’t.”  
  
  
“Don’t say that,” Tara chastised softly.  
  
  
Angry tears pricked Willow’s eyes.  
  
  
“You were a thimbleful of pee away from being—”  
  
  
She cut herself off and looked away. Tara shut her eyes tight and opened them again.  
  
  
“I need to talk to you.”  
  
  
Willow sat properly with her back against the pillows.  
  
  
“Yeah, of course. I’m here. We can talk about it.”  
  
  
“Not about the crash,” Tara interjected quickly, “Not specifically.”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“I don’t understand.”  
  
  
Tara’s face was hard in a way Willow was not accustomed to seeing. It made her nervous.  
  
  
“I need to talk to you about what happens…if there’s ever a situation where there’s a choice.”  
  
  
“A choice,” Willow repeated but it didn’t make any more sense the second time around, “A choice of…?”  
  
  
Tara’s breath grew heavier.  
  
  
“I need you to promise that if it ever comes down to a choice between me and the babies…that you choose the babies.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes flashed with something and she jumped back off the bed, pacing.  
  
  
“Tara, don’t be…” she shook her head so violently it could have spun off, “Just no.”  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara said seriously.  
  
  
“Tara,” Willow returned, almost petulantly.  
  
  
Tara looked down and closed her eyes.  
  
  
“Willow, you’re my next of kin—”  
  
  
“I’m your wife,” Willow corrected, “I am your WIFE.”  
  
  
“Exactly, you are my wife. This decision will come down to you,” Tara replied, unable to cover the shake in her voice, “And I’m asking you to promise me you’ll make the right one.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head again.  
  
  
“You don’t get to ask me this.”  
  
  
“I have to ask you this,” Tara replied, her voice hollow and pained, “I need you to promise.”  
  
  
“No!” Willow said, waving her hands in front of her definitively.  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara replied, near breaking.  
  
  
Willow marched toward the door.  
  
  
“I said no!”  
  


* * *

  
“Do you have to be so fidgety?”  
  
  
Willow smoothed her hands out over her thighs and held them up defensively.  
  
  
“Sorry Oscar,” she said in a mocking tone, “How’s the view from that trash can?”  
  
  
Tara looked at Willow bitingly.  
  
  
“Do you know how much of shitty a person it makes you to be sniping at your pregnant wife like this?”  
  
  
“Whoa,” Willow replied, her hands sinking down by her sides, “I was joking.”  
  
  
Tara looked off to the other side.  
  
  
“Find better jokes.”  
  
  
Willow went rigid with tension and remained like that until Dr. Wells called them into her office.  
  
  
She trudged in after Tara and sat silently in the free chair, mumbling a greeting when the doctor said hello.  
  
  
Tara had to lower herself into the chair while gripping the arms and Dr. Wells smiled sympathetically.  
  
  
“You are big, aren’t you? I had to glance at my notes to see were you further along than I remembered.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t look mightily impressed with the comment but Dr. Wells didn’t catch it as she started looking through the fresh print-outs she’d brought in with her.  
  
  
“But your weight looks good. Your blood work is looking better than last time, Tara and your glucose diary is still holding steady enough that I don’t think you need medication. How are finding the diet and exercise program?”  
  
  
“Fine,” Tara answered quietly.  
  
  
Dr. Wells nodded along and looked up expecting more but just saw two glum faces.  
  
  
“Why don’t we take a little look, hey?”  
  
  
She stood and walked over to the examination table.  
  
  
“Tara, can you get up here?”  
  
  
Tara slowly walked over but absolutely refused to entertain the idea that it was a waddle. She was only at the halfway point; she couldn’t be at the waddling stage yet.  
  
  
She struggled to push herself up on the table and Willow tried to help but Tara rebuffed her.  
  
  
“I can do it.”  
  
  
Willow just held her hands up again and took a step back.  
  
  
Dr. Wells was now glancing between them unsurely but busied herself with setting up the ultrasound.  
  
  
Tara eventually got herself up onto the table and exposed her belly.  
  
  
Willow realized how much she really had popped out with just the belly on show and figured Tara must really be worn out. She remembered being that big but it was a lot closer to her due date. She wanted to go up and give her wife’s shoulder a little rub but didn’t think she’d be welcome so hung back.  
  
  
The doctor squirted the jelly onto Tara’s stomach and brought the probe up to press into her.  
  
  
“Let’s see what we’ve got going on here,” she said in a cheery voice that tried to permeate the tension in the room.  
  
  
She moved the probe up toward Tara’s chest and turned the screen toward them.  
  
  
“Hello Baby A,” she said as little lines went up on the screen as she took measurements, “And there’s Baby B, hiding out on us for a moment.”  
  
  
“Are they okay?” Tara asked in a rushed, nervous voice.  
  
  
Dr. Wells nodded.  
  
  
“They are looking well. Good size. Baby B still lagging a little behind in measurements but still in the normal range,” she said, still trying her hardest to smile enough for the three of them, “Would you like to know the sex?”  
  
  
Tara just shook her head, though it didn’t really seem like she had heard the question. Willow frowned; she’d kind of thought they were going to confirm their suspicions.  
  
  
Tara suddenly shifted uncomfortably.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I really need to use the restroom.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Dr. Wells smiled as she wiped the jelly from Tara’s stomach, “Quite normal for my patients. I know it’s unpleasant having that full bladder for the ultrasound. You know the way?”  
  
  
Tara just nodded silently and slid herself off the table to ~~waddle~~ walk out to the restroom.  
  
  
Willow watched her leave feeling the distance between them grow even further than the few feet to the bathroom. Before she even knew it was coming she found herself dropping back into the chair and bursting into tears.  
  
  
Dr. Wells didn’t miss a beat and came to her side with a box of tissues she plucked from her desk on the way. She bent down to offer a tissue and a soothing voice.  
  
  
“Are you finding this pregnancy tough, Willow?”  
  
  
Willow cried for another solid minute before she was able to reply.  
  
  
“I-I wasn’t, but…” she stopped to catch her breath, rolling the tissue all over her nose and swiping at her eyes with embarrassment, “We had an accident at the weekend. A truck slammed into our car.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells put a hand against her chest.  
  
  
“Oh my lord. I heard about that accident. I didn’t know that was the accident you were in when the doctors at the ER called for her records.”  
  
  
Willow dropped her face into her hands.  
  
  
“We weren’t in the car, but Tara…she was in it like a minute beforehand. And now she wants me to make a promise I can’t make and she’s mad at me and I’m scared I’m making her complications worse but—”  
  
  
The door opened and Willow tried to turn her body and hide the fact that she was crying but Tara knew right away.  
  
  
“Willow,” she said softly, getting into the chair beside her and placing a hand on Willow’s back, which she rubbed in circles.  
  
  
Willow shut her eyes tight and tried not to crumble even more. Dr. Wells encouragingly held the box of tissues for Tara to take to aid Willow and stood up to her full height and returned back behind her desk.  
  
  
“I think it’s fair to say there’s some tension in the room.”  
  
  
She looked at them both sympathetically.  
  
  
“Is there anything I can help with? Any fears or concerns I can alleviate?”  
  
  
Tara felt awful that Willow had gotten into this state and just kept rubbing her back.  
  
  
“I asked her to promise me she’d choose the babies if it came down to a choice.”  
  
  
A fresh sob rose in Willow’s throat and it broke Tara’s heart.  
  
  
Dr. Wells nodded evenly.  
  
  
“While it is good to discuss these matters,” she said in a calm voice, “There is absolutely no reason to think there will be any reason to employ that choice. Tara, you’re keeping your diabetes is excellent check; the babies are a healthy size, their hearts look good and you’re progressing your pregnancy in a perfectly normal manner. I fully believe you’ll have a healthy labor and deliver two perfectly healthy baby girls.”  
  
  
Willow looked up for the first time since Tara had returned to the room.  
  
  
“Girls?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells looked shocked.  
  
  
“Oh my lord, I’m so sorry,” she said, swallowing multiple times to compose herself, “I’ve never done that before. Please accept my profuse apologies.”  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Willow sniffled, eyes drying up as she tentatively glanced to Tara, “We kinda knew.”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly at Willow; an apology and reassurance all at once.  
  
  
“Yeah, we did,” she said softly without averting her gaze, “We’ve named them.”  
  
  
Willow actually laughed and wiped her eye with her sleeve since the tissue was near disintegration.  
  
  
“Baby A is Lily and Baby B is Emily.”  
  
  
“Those are beautiful names,” Dr. Wells said softly as an acknowledgment but both Willow and Tara were lost in each other, so she didn’t take offense when she wasn’t replied to.  
  
  
Willow’s gaze was locked on Tara as her face slowly scrunched up.  
  
  
“Okay,” she said after a moment, new tears falling down her cheeks, “I promise.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells read the room and stood back up.  
  
  
“Would you like a video of the ultrasound?”  
  
  
Tara briefly looked over and nodded.  
  
  
“Yes please.”  
  
  
“I’ll go organize it,” Dr. Wells replied and quietly slipped out the door.  
  
  
When the door closed behind her, Willow burst into fresh tears and Tara dragged her over in the chair to wrap her in a hug. Willow allowed herself to cry into Tara’s chest while Tara stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.  
  
  
“I’m sorry I’ve been Oscar the Grouch.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head into Tara’s chest.  
  
  
“Y-You’re not Oscar, you’re, you’re Kermit! All wise and kind and in love with an idiot.”  
  
  
“You’re mixing up your puppet shows, honey,” Tara said lovingly.  
  
  
“Or Rowlf the Dog!” Willow offered earnestly.  
  
  
“I think that’s a compliment,” Tara replied with a gracious smile.  
  
  
Willow sniffled.  
  
  
“Wanna blow off lunch and go home to watch our babies over and over again?”  
  
  
Tara smiled and nodded.  
  
  
“I would love nothing more.”  
  
  
Willow gripped Tara’s shoulder and squeezed repeatedly.  
  
  
“I’ll give you a massage.”  
  
  
Tara’s lips quirked up on one side.  
  
  
“You can give me more than a massage if you like.”  
  
  
Willow giggled through glassy eyes.  
  
  
“Are you suggesting some afternoon delight?” she asked, rolling her eyes self-deprecatingly, “Is it the snotty nose? Turning you on too much?”  
  
  
Tara touched her fingers to Willow’s cheek.  
  
  
“Just my wife. Turning me on by existing.”  
  
  
Willow blushed and ducked her head and finally blinked away the last tear.  
  
  
“But let’s watch the babies first because I didn’t get a very good look.”  
  
  
“Lily and Emily. Officially,” Tara replied with an unending grin, “We need middle names.”  
  
  
“Lily gets Lisa,” Willow said with a sure nod, “Of course.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“Really?”  
  
  
Willow’s brow furrowed with intentional certainty.  
  
  
“Not even a question,” she took Tara’s hand, “I know you didn’t want to name Robyn ‘Lisa’ because you didn’t want her to have to live up to a ghost, but…I think this one was meant to be.”  
  
  
Tara let out a shaken breath.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she smiled watery and nodded, “You can pick Emily’s then—”  
  
  
“Eve,” Willow said without hesitation.  
  
  
“Oh,” Tara replied with a surprised but pleased smile, “Okay. I like Eve. I like it a lot.”  
  
  
“It’s Hebrew. My dad will like that,” Willow explained, “It means ‘living’.”  
  
  
Tara thought that was a very apropos word for them to leave this room with.  
  
  
“Emily Eve,” she said with giddy clarity, “We named our babies.”  
  
  
Willow bit her lip but it did nothing to hold back the smile.  
  
  
“We should go and let the poor doctor get her room back from the hot mess moms.”  
  
  
Tara offered her hand and Willow let out one long exhale before linking her fingers firmly with Tara’s.  
  
  
They stood together and walked out the door ten times stronger than they had been walking in.  
  
  
Now they just had to keep that strength for the second half of this pregnancy.


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

_**Chapter Eleven** _   


* * *

Tara sat down on the couch and slowly exhaled a long breath.  
  
  
Her hands moved over her rounded belly and she closed her eyes, grateful for a moment to breathe after the rigorous exertion of carrying the laundry hamper down the stairs.  
  
  
Robyn was standing in her playpen underneath the bay window, standing on her tippy toes and watching the world go by.  
  
  
“Woofy!” she announced happily.  
  
  
“I’ll take you to see Woofy later, honey,” Tara called over to her in a comforting tone.  
  
  
“Woofy!” Robyn repeated insistently, trying to stand taller.  
  
  
“Robyn, I said later,” Tara said curtly and immediately regretted it, “Baby, Mommy just needs a little rest.”  
  
  
She looked over and spotted Robyn pressing her face right into the glass. Tara quietly whined to herself for a moment before forcing herself to stand.  
  
  
“Robbie, I know Mommy’s told you not to press your face into the glass like that. I can't get down low enough to clean it anymore.”  
  
  
She walked over and pulled Robyn back but as she did so she noticed that Robyn was saying Woofy’s name because he was running around out on the lawn of Mrs. Potts’s house. She could hear faint barking when she got close to the window. Tara peered out and around the street but saw no sign of Mrs. Potts.  
  
  
“What is he doing out there alone?”  
  
  
“Woofy!” Robyn said again, looking up at Tara earnestly.  
  
  
Tara frowned and stroked Robyn’s hair.  
  
  
“I see, sweetie. Good girl, you showed me Woofy. Why don’t you come color, okay? I’ll get you your coloring book.”  
  
  
Robyn was agreeable and liked being able to break free from her playpen to sit at the coffee table and color. Tara took her coloring book and crayons from the drawer and made sure she was happy with her picture selection before leaving her.  
  
  
“Will?” she called out from the base of the stairs, “I need to step out for a minute. Can you keep an eye on Robyn?”  
  
  
“On it!” Willow’s voice called back down.  
  
  
Willow came down the stairs just as Tara was closing the front door behind her.  
  
  
She went into the living room and smiled.  
  
  
“Hey little bean,” she said, sliding onto the floor behind Robyn so she was sitting between her legs, “Coloring your monkey?”  
  
  
“Yah,” Robyn replied affirmatively as her brown crayon scribbled back and forth on the page.  
  
  
Willow looked over her shoulder and frowned.  
  
  
“Oh, honey, you’re not staying inside the lines.”  
  
  
“Nope,” Robyn replied, the casualness of it making Willow frown deeper.  
  
  
“Why not?”  
  
  
“Don’ wanna,” Robyn replied as she happily rolled the crayon all over the page.  
  
  
Willow felt her heart start to beat a little faster with anxiety as she watched it.  
  
  
“Why?”  
  
  
“Fuhn,” Robyn announced with a heavy emphasis on the ‘F’.  
  
  
“But it changes the picture,” Willow said, having to close her hand to stop her from reaching out to put Robyn’s hand back in line.  
  
  
Robyn drew a squiggle that was meant to be a tail for the monkey.  
  
  
“Make bettah.”  
  
  
Willow slowly smiled and her hand released back to a tension-free state. She remembered the box of Tara’s childhood drawings and how beautifully free they were.  
  
  
“You know what you are?” she asked, squeezing Robyn around the middle and repeatedly kissing the top of her head, “You’re my tiny Tara.”  
  
  
Robyn didn’t protest the affection.  
  
  
“I’m Wobyn,” she replied simply.  
  
  
Willow smiled against her daughter’s hair.  
  
  
“Yes, you are.”  
  
  
She happily peered over Robyn’s shoulder to see what fantastical creation she would end up making until she heard the door opening again and then the rustle of a dog as he ran into the living room.  
  
  
“WOOFY!” Robyn shouted excitedly and launched herself at him.  
  
  
“Oh look, Woofy came for a visit,” Willow smiled and gave the dog a little scratch as she passed by back out into the foyer, “JJ, Woofy is here!”  
  
  
JJ came down the stairs two-by-two and physically leaped over the baby gate to come to see the dog. Tara put the dog bed in her arms, which had his toys and bowls sitting in it, by the foot of the stairs.  
  
  
“Jake why don’t you take Woofy and your sister out to the back yard to play.”  
  
  
“Does he have his ball?” JJ asked excitedly, bending down to rub Woofy’s face when he saw him.  
  
  
“Yeah, I think I grabbed it,” Tara replied absently.  
  
  
Willow noticed she was distracted.  
  
  
“Here.”  
  
  
She picked the ball up from the collection of things and Woofy’s tail immediately began wagging. She passed it to JJ who hollered for Woofy to follow and Robyn toddled along happily without even being told.  
  
  
Willow watched them leave until she heard the sliding door to the back yard open and approached Tara, taking a gentle hold of both of her arms.  
  
  
“Baby, what’s wrong?”  
  
  
Tara’s mouth trembled and then her eyes shut tight and tears escaped.  
  
  
It took a moment, but then Willow put two and two together.  
  
  
“Oh. _Shit_.”  
  
  
“She was in her chair,” Tara said through a quiet cry, “She looked peaceful.”  
  
  
“Oh, Tara…” Willow said softly, closing her into a hug.  
  
  
Tara accepted it and nuzzled into Willow’s neck for a minute or so until she was able to quieten her sobs. She swiped at her eye with her sleeve and Willow fished out a barely-used tissue from her pocket. Tara took it and wiped it under her nose.  
  
  
“I don’t know how long she’s been there. She was cold. Woofy dug himself out of the back yard, the poor thing.”  
  
  
“Oh my god!” Willow exclaimed, visibly doing a double-take.  
  
  
Tara nodded with her cheeks still wet.  
  
  
“He seems okay. I gave him some food and more water while I called the ambulance.”  
  
  
Her eyes welled up again.  
  
  
“I was going to go see her yesterday but I didn’t because I was so frickin' tired. I'm always so frickin' tired.”  
  
  
Willow gripped Tara’s arms again.  
  
  
“Baby, don’t do this,” she said in with a resolute shake of her head, “You could not have been kinder to the woman.”  
  
  
Tara inhaled shakily.  
  
  
“She was my friend.”  
  
  
Willow began rubbing Tara’s arms up and down.  
  
  
“I know she was. And you were hers. Okay? She knew that. Oh, come here sweetheart.”  
  
  
She gathered Tara in again but Tara squeezed her eyes shut tight to try and stem the flow.  
  
  
“I don’t want the kids to see me like this.”  
  
  
“It’s fine for them to see you cry,” Willow replied softly, “To know that it’s okay to cry.”  
  
  
Tara nodded quickly.  
  
  
“I just want to explain everything calmly. No one they know has ever died before.”  
  
  
Willow nodded understandingly.  
  
  
“Take as long as you need.”  
  
  
Tara took a moment to take in a deep breath.  
  
  
“The ambulance is coming. I’d like to see her off,” she nodded to herself as she exhaled, “Oh, someone needs to call her children.”  
  
  
“I’m sure someone else can do that,” Willow said with a small frown.  
  
  
“Who?” Tara asked and Willow didn’t know, honestly.  
  
  
She nodded again.  
  
  
“What can I do?”  
  
  
“Keep the kids outside,” Tara asked, “I don’t want them to see the ambulance.”  
  
  
“We’ll do a backyard picnic,” Willow said, squeezing Tara’s hand, “They won’t even know anything is happening.”  
  
  
Tara gestured toward where she’d put Woofy’s things.  
  
  
“I brought the dog’s bowls over, can you make sure he has some more food and water?”  
  
  
“I’ll take care of everything here,” Willow promised, then gently took Tara’s cheeks in her hands and kissed her softly, “I love you, okay?”  
  
  
“I love you too,” Tara sniffled and wiped the tissue over her face again before turning to head for the door and go back across the street.  
  
  
Willow rubbed her face with her hands for a moment then physically shook herself and went off into the kitchen, closing the door firmly shut behind her.  
  
  
She went to the open sliding door out to the yard and watched as JJ threw the ball and both Woofy and Robyn chased after it; the latter giggling and clapping her hands as she went. Willow leaned against the doorframe and smiled softly.  
  
  
“Hey, who wants to have a picnic?”  
  
  
She kept the kids busy and brought them inside to the kitchen when she spotted flashing lights reflecting on the side of the house. Thankfully, there weren’t any sirens and the children didn’t notice anything wrong.  
  
  
Robyn was allowed to sit on a stool at the island and reveled in being allowed in a ‘big girl chair’. Willow made sure to really sell the distraction with creamsicle floats.  
  
  
After a quick peek checking that the ambulance had gone, she sent them back out to the back yard and JJ, on a sugar high no doubt, chased after Robyn who was trying to kick a soccer ball about with her tiny feet.  
  
  
Willow heard the front door close as she loaded the dessert glasses into the dishwasher and waited for Tara to appear. It only took a moment for the kitchen door to open and Tara just stood there, looking distressed and disheveled.  
  
  
Willow walked up and opened her arms, which Tara fell into; well, as much as she could with the bump in the way.  
  
  
“Baby,” Willow comforted softly, stroking Tara’s hair, “I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
She kissed her cheek.  
  
  
“What do you want to do? Do you need a night off from the kids?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head immediately.  
  
  
“The opposite,” she said, swiping at her eye with her sleeve, “But we need to tell them.”  
  
  
“We don’t have to do it right away if you’re not up to it,” Willow replied gently, “The funeral probably won’t be for a couple of days.”  
  
  
Tara held her face in her hands and looked up helplessly.  
  
  
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”  
  
  
Willow took a firm, rooting hold of Tara’s shoulders.  
  
  
“I’m gonna run you a bath and you’re going to have a long soak. I will order the kids some pizza and when you’re ready we’ll all sit down on the couch. Okay?”  
  
  
Tara nodded quickly, appreciating the direction.  
  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
“Okay,” Willow comforted again, kissing Tara square on the forehead, “Go on upstairs, I’ll be up in just a minute.”  
  
  
Tara nuzzled for a moment, then turned to make her way up to their bedroom.  
  
  
Willow walked back out to the yard and called out.  
  
  
“Kids, pizza for dinner, okay?”  
  
  
“Yeah!” JJ exclaimed enthusiastically and Robyn matched it while clapping her hands together, mostly to mimic her brother.  
  
  
“Watch your sister, please,” Willow requested and left the door open as she turned to follow Tara upstairs.  
  
  
When she got there, Tara was sitting on the end of the bed, slowly pulling her clothes off. Willow came over to help her get her pants down her legs.  
  
  
“You’re outgrowing the Belly Belt.”  
  
  
Tara leaned back on her arms and accepted Willow’s help with a grateful and tired sigh.  
  
  
“Pants, in general, are becoming a real pain in the tuchus.”  
  
  
Willow smirked up from her position kneeling at Tara’s feet.  
  
  
“Hey, you’re not allowed to become an old Jewish Bubbe before I do.”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly despite everything and lay back down fully to unbutton her shirt. Willow saw the energy it was sapping from her wife to do such a simple task and frowned.  
  
  
“Baby, when did you last eat?”  
  
  
Tara mumbled something and started to rub her eyes. Willow stood and came to the head of the bed where she noticed beads of sweat visibly forming on her wife’s brow.  
  
  
“Tara,” she said in concern and when she reached out to touch Tara’s shoulder, she felt her trembling, “Shit!”  
  
  
She yanked open the nightstand drawer and pulled out the glucose monitoring kit that was kept in there. Trying not to shake as well, she took Tara’s fingers and pricked it; staying with an anxious bounce on the balls of her feet as she waited for the reading to pop up on the screen.  
  
  
Once it confirmed what she already knew — that Tara’s sugars had dipped way too low —she popped open the little pack of glucose tablets.  
  
  
“Baby you need to chew this,” she encouraged as she got it between Tara’s lips, “I know you feel really shitty right now. It will pass soon, I promise. Just chew that and this one too.”  
  
  
Tara was groaning quietly but complying with everything Willow said; chewing on each tablet as it was pushed into her mouth. When she’d swallowed the third one she felt her extremities tingle and then as a few minutes ticked by the fog that had started to descend over her brain evaporated.  
  
  
Her eyes opened and Willow was right at her side, holding her hand.  
  
  
“I got you, baby.”  
  
  
Willow touched Tara’s clammy cheek and stroked her skin gently. Tara reached up with a weak hand to hold her there.  
  
  
“I forgot to have lunch.”  
  
  
“And you were running around figuring things out,” Willow replied, breathing easy too after a tense few minutes, “We won’t let that happen again, yeah?”  
  
  
Tara just nodded and closed her eyes again, exhausted.  
  
  
“I don’t think I feel up to a bath.”  
  
  
Willow moved onto the bed and gently turned Tara onto her side so she could rub Tara’s back.  
  
  
“Just rest for a bit. Everything is okay.”  
  
  
She closed her eyes too and just listened out for Tara’s even breathing and the faint happy hollering she could hear carrying through the house from the backyard.  
  
  
When another set of minutes had passed, Willow gently squeezed Tara’s arm.  
  
  
“How you doing?”  
  
  
“I feel better,” Tara replied, sleepily but clearly.  
  
  
“Let me check again, okay?” Willow asked and Tara just raised a finger to offer the drop.  
  
  
Willow repeated the test and exhaled when she saw the numbers back where they should be.  
  
  
“You’ve leveled out again,” she said, squeezing Tara’s shoulder, “I’ll make you some grilled chicken and zucchini for dinner. Rest and I’ll check in on you in a few minutes again. I’m going to go get dinner for everyone.”  
  
  
She kissed Tara’s cheek, covered her up with the blanket and stroked her hair once before leaving to go back downstairs again, leaving the door open again so she could hear, just in case.  
  
  
She popped her head out to check on the kids but they were still having the time of their lives and Woofy was lapping up all of the attention and opportunity to run around freely.  
  
  
She returned to the kitchen and called in the pizza for the kids while she heated up the grill pan. She cooked everything in the one pan to make it easier for her to clean up later on.  
  
  
She called up to Tara after a few minutes but left her alone when she got an affirmative response back until the pizza arrived at the door.  
  
  
“Tara? Dinner’s ready. You coming?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara called back and Willow thought she sounded a bit stronger.  
  
  
“JJ! Robyn! Pizza’s here,” she called through to the back yard and the two kids came skidding in excitedly with Woofy panting at their feet.  
  
  
Willow left the open box of pizza on the table in the dining room and put a slice on JJ’s plate and cut up Robyn’s for her. She kissed Tara’s cheek again as they passed in the doorway who smiled as she fixed the tie around the robe she’d thrown on.  
  
  
Tara kissed the top of both kids’ heads and gave Woofy a little scratch for good measure before sitting near the top of the table. Willow brought in two plates and sat with her.  
  
  
Tara covered Willow’s hand with her own as she sat.  
  
  
“You don’t have to eat the boring dinner with me. Have some pizza.”  
  
  
“No meal is boring with you,” Willow smiled, scooting in on her chair, “Hey, I was thinking, why don’t you pick out some maternity dresses you like online? Then you just have to pull it on and off. They make really pretty ones these days.”  
  
  
“Thank you, that’s a really good idea,” Tara sighed softly as she began to eat, “And this is not boring at all. It’s delicious. Did you use mirin?”  
  
  
“I did,” Willow smiled, “And I added some sesame seeds.”  
  
  
Tara leaned in and pressed her lips against Willow’s.  
  
  
“Delicious.”  
  
  
Willow was pleased to see Tara in better spirits and getting some good food into her.  
  
  
When everyone had finished eating (and, admittedly, Willow may have wrapped the last uneaten slice of pizza away in the fridge for later), Tara put an arm around JJ’s shoulders and a hand atop Robyn’s head.  
  
  
“Hey, kids? We need to talk to you.”  
  
  
Willow looked over as she walked out of the kitchen.  
  
  
“Tara, are you sure?”  
  
  
Tara just nodded and Willow nodded back that she was with her.  
  
  
They brought the kids into the living room and all sat on the one couch, huddled up together. JJ was starting to seem concerned but Robyn was happy to relish in the family snuggles.  
  
  
“We have to tell you both something,” Tara said softly, dropping her head into the top of Robyn’s head to inhale from her and gather some strength, “You know Mrs. Potts across the street? Well, something happened to her today. She died.”  
  
  
“She did?” JJ asked, his eyes creasing slowly as he figured it out, “She’s dead?”  
  
  
“Wat ded?” Robyn asked in a curious up-speak tone.  
  
  
Tara looked to Willow for help, who nodded that she had it.  
  
  
“When people die, their body stops working and they can’t eat, walk, or play anymore. You won’t be able to see her anymore.”  
  
  
Robyn’s lower lip protruded.  
  
  
“No, see?”  
  
  
“No. bean,” Willow said sadly, “You won’t see Mrs. Potts anymore. Her body stooped working.”  
  
  
Robyn’s eyes lit up and she suddenly jumped down from the embrace and toddled across the room to get her doctor kit. She brought it back and presented it to them.  
  
  
“Fix!”  
  
  
Both Willow and Tara had to swallow a lump but a voice of calm reason came from somewhere unexpected.  
  
  
“No, Robbie,” JJ said, his green eyes suddenly setting deeper on his face, “You can’t fix it.”  
  
  
Tara cleared her throat.  
  
  
“When a body stops working, it can never start again,” she explained with tears filling her eyes, “There was nothing anyone did that made her go away. And we can’t bring her back again. And it’s okay to feel sad about that.”  
  
  
Robyn looked at Tara, forlorn.  
  
  
“Mom-mee sad?”  
  
  
Tara sniffled.  
  
  
“Yes, baby. Mommy’s sad.”  
  
  
Robyn frowned and put her doctor kit on the floor again. Instead, she reached for her favorite soft toy, Stripey the Tiger, and toddled back to Tara, thrusting the animal in her face.  
  
  
Tara couldn’t stop the tears from falling.  
  
  
“Thank you, sweetie.”  
  
  
She closed Robyn in a hug with the toy between them. Willow patted JJ’s back.  
  
  
“How are you doing Jakey?”  
  
  
JJ looked up at his mother with sad lines in his brow but acceptance in his eyes.  
  
  
“Was she sick?”  
  
  
“I don’t think so honey,” Tara answered the question, “She just fell asleep and never woke up.”  
  
  
JJ immediately looked stricken.  
  
  
“That can happen?”  
  
  
“She was old, sweetheart,” Willow said gently.  
  
  
JJ’s eyes darted back and forth.  
  
  
“Grandpa’s old.”  
  
  
Robyn’s head popped out from Tara’s arms, bright eyes suddenly wild.  
  
  
“Ganpy ded?”  
  
  
“No, no, your Grandpa is fine,” Willow said, quickly waving her hands back and forth, “He’s not old like Mrs. Potts was. And he’s very healthy.”  
  
  
“Your Grandma makes sure of that,” Tara added with a reassuring nod, “Grandpa is fine, I promise.”  
  
  
Robyn snuggled back into Tara and JJ needed a minute but he seemed to calm too until he saw their house guest laying on the floor waiting for more fun to happen with his tail wagging back and forth patiently.  
  
  
“What about Woofy? What’s gonna happen to him?”  
  
  
Tara glanced over at the dog and a large exhale left her body.  
  
  
“Well, we’ll…we’ll watch him—”  
  
  
JJ’s mood immediately shifted to elation.  
  
  
“We’re keeping him?!”  
  
  
“Whoa, whoa,” Willow interrupted, furiously waving those hands back and forth again, “No, we’re not keeping him.”  
  
  
Robyn immediately started to cry.  
  
  
“Woofy go? No Woofy go!”  
  
  
“Where’s he going?” JJ asked antsily, “Why can’t we keep him? He needs a home!”  
  
  
“Because we’re already adding two more to this household in a few months,” Willow replied, gesturing at Tara’s swollen belly hidden under a Robyn-shaped lump, “Baby, back me up here.”  
  
  
Tara glanced at Willow, then glanced away. Willow’s eyes bugged.  
  
  
“Um, kids…go play with the dog for a minute.”  
  
  
Neither objected and shimmied off the couch to play again. Willow scooted up close to her wife.  
  
  
“Tara, you can’t honestly be suggesting we get a dog right now. You’re pregnant and diabetic and we’re about to drop thirty grand on a new car.”  
  
  
“I know but—” Tara started but Willow cut her off quickly.  
  
  
“We talked about pets when JJ started asking for a dog, we said not until the new babies were toddlers at least.”  
  
  
“We’re not getting a dog, Willow, we’re inheriting one,” Tara corrected softly, “It might help the kids process.”  
  
  
Willow arched an eyebrow.  
  
  
“We’re making a 10+ year commitment for some processing? Even we're not that gay.”  
  
  
“Willow, what are we supposed to do?” Tara sighed, “Send the poor thing to the pound? He’s the one who alerted me. He’s not a rowdy pup and he knows us. He’s going through trauma too. This will be his third home in practically as many months.”  
  
  
“Tara…” Willow replied in a long, drawn-out tone that eventually became resignation, “I knew what I was getting into when I married someone with a heart like yours.”  
  
  
She dropped her head back against her palm with her elbow bent against the back of the sofa.  
  
  
“I guess we have a dog now.”  
  
  
JJ, who had been not-so-covertly eavesdropping, leaped up on the spot.  
  
  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah! You hear that boy? You live with us now! We’re your family!”  
  
  
“Fam-lee!” Robyn repeated, clapping her hands.  
  
  
“JJ you have to keep taking him on his walks,” Willow said with a firm nod, “And you both have to help us feed him and clean up after him and make sure he has water.”  
  
  
Robyn crawled over to the coffee table where she snatched her sippy cup up.  
  
  
“Woofy wan’ watah?”  
  
  
Even Willow couldn’t deny her heart melting at that.  
  
  
“Woofy eats and drinks from special bowls, bean.”  
  
  
“I’ll show you, Robbie!” JJ said, already running out to the kitchen with Woofy, naturally, at his heels.  
  
  
Willow rubbed her temples as she heard the clacking of the dog bowls.  
  
  
“They took the news well.”  
  
  
“It’s just dog fever,” Tara replied with a soft sigh.  
  
  
Willow reached out and held Tara by the shoulder. She leaned in and pressed her lips to Tara’s tenderly. Her hand naturally dropped but Tara pulled away when it brushed her thigh.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m really not in the mood.”  
  
  
Willow was startled by the statement.  
  
  
“What? No, I wasn’t trying—” she cut herself off, just shaking her head, “I’ll…I’ll start settling the kids.”  
  
  
She shook her head again as she stood and made her way into the kitchen to corral the children into some calmness despite the excitement of their house-guest-turned-family-member.  
  
  
Bathing Robyn took twice as long as normal because she kept trying to call for Woofy to get in with her. Willow had to put him downstairs just to wash her hair and was ready to tear her hair out by the time both lights were out for the night.  
  
  
At the base of the stairs, Woofy was lying patiently waiting again and Willow couldn’t help giving him a pet.  
  
  
“You are cute, I’ll give you that. You were a good boy today.”  
  
  
She scratched behind his ears and he diligently followed her back into the living room.  
  
  
Tara sat up straight as Willow walked in.  
  
  
“I-I’m sorry. I upset you earlier.”  
  
  
Willow sat back into the seat she’d vacated earlier, at a bit of a distance.  
  
  
“I just didn’t want you to think I was trying something on in the midst of the day you’ve had.”  
  
  
Tara ducked her head.  
  
  
“I know I haven’t been very receptive lately.”  
  
  
Willow scooted closer.  
  
  
“Tara,” she said softly, “I’m not a pubescent boy. I can wait. I don’t want it unless you’re 100% into it too.”  
  
  
Tara looked up, embarrassed.  
  
  
“Feeling a bit loopy lately.”  
  
  
“I remember baby brain,” Willow replied, not-so-fondly, “Just wait ‘til you forget your keys in the freezer.”  
  
  
Tara chuckled and Willow smiled.  
  
  
“We’re okay, okay?”  
  
  
Tara linked one set of fingers together and nodded toward the television.  
  
  
“A movie just started.”  
  
  
Willow smiled some more as she wrapped her arm around Tara’s shoulders.  
  
  
“Bet you wish you could have a glass of wine.”  
  
  
“Bottle,” Tara answered without hesitation and they both laughed.  
  
  
Willow kissed the top of Tara’s head and nuzzled her nose into Tara’s hair part.  
  
  
“Put your feet up. Have you had enough to eat?”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara replied as she snuggled into Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
They got comfortable and just relaxed together; staying close. About halfway through there was the telltale signs of scurrying feet and clacking of plastic on plastic as _someone_ climbed over the baby gate.  
  
  
Sure enough, moments later Robyn appeared through the doorway, dragging her blankie behind her and rubbing her drooping eyes.  
  
  
They extricated themselves into a sitting position and Tara pivoted her body toward the door.  
  
  
“What’s wrong honey?”  
  
  
“Dawk,” Robyn replied sleepily.  
  
  
“You don’t need to be scared of the dark, sweetie. It’s just the absence of photons,” Willow reassured, then frowned defensively when she got a look from Tara, “What? She didn’t get above-average verbiage from dumbing things down for her.”  
  
  
Robyn padded toward them and looked up with her deep, bright eyes.  
  
  
“Woofy sweep wif Wobbie?”  
  
  
Willow turned her head toward Tara and spoke quietly.  
  
  
“Jeez Tara, why is your genetic material so damn cute?”  
  
  
A pout that was all Willow started to protrude on Robyn's face and she knew resistance was futile.  
  
  
“Alright, then. Come on, I’ll take you up.”  
  
  
Robyn clapped her hands excitedly.  
  
  
“Come bed Woofy!”  
  
  
Tara held her hand out for Willow to help her up.  
  
  
“I’m just about ready to turn in too.”  
  
  
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to finish the movie,” Willow replied apologetically as Robyn reached up with a tiny arm to drag her mother back to bed with Woofy at their side.  
  
  
Tara turned off the television and returned the remote to its place.  
  
  
“Wasn’t watching it anyway,” she said in a sweet tone with a not-so-sweet crease in her eyes.  
  
  
Willow grinned and threw a wink before flicking the light switch and they all walked upstairs. Tara helped tuck Robyn in again and left Willow to stay with her until she fell asleep. Willow found herself petting Woofy’s head as she breathed in sync with Robyn and had to admit he was an adorable little thing and clearly loved the kids as much as they loved him.  
  
  
“Poor little fella,” she cooed quietly. He must have had a very rough day or more and here he was, happy to curl up with people that made him feel safe.  
  
  
Willow thought she might learn a thing or two from him.  
  
  
When Robyn’s sucking on her pacifier had slowed until it just half-hung out of her mouth, Willow gently extricated herself with a kiss to her daughter’s head and a last scratch for Woofy between the ears. She left Robyn’s nightlight on and the door ajar so Woofy could get out if he wanted to and walked into their bedroom, where Tara was already passed out with the robe untied but still on her body.  
  
  
Willow changed and brushed her teeth and got enough of the blanket out from under Tara to cover them both up.  
  
  
She put an arm around her wife’s swollen belly and hoped even through sleep she could make Tara feel safe.  
  
  
The little smile on Tara's face told of a task surely won.


	17. Chapter 17

* * *

_**Chapter Twelve** _   


* * *

Willow watched the casket holding Myra Potts be lowered into the ground and was surprised by the profound sadness she felt considering she’d only ever waved to the woman in passing.  
  
  
One of her hands was on the small of Tara’s back and the other held Robyn to her leg while JJ stood in front of them all with his hands clasped, taking in this new experience stoically. He held Woofy’s leash, who sat at JJ’s feet respectfully like he knew exactly what was going on.  
  
  
Willow felt Robyn start gyrating against her leg and bent down to gently extract her.  
  
  
“You okay Robbie?” she whispered.  
  
  
Robyn looked up at Willow while rubbing her fist into her eye socket.  
  
  
“There’s cwying in my eyes.”  
  
  
“Oh baby,” Willow comforted quietly and lifted Robyn up to snuggle against her chest.  
  
  
Robyn sniffled into Willow but was comforted enough to not let it go any further.  
  
  
The priest finished his prayer and Mrs. Potts’s children took turns to cast some soil over her casket. Woofy suddenly laid his paws down at the edge of the grave and started to howl.  
  
  
This caused a few more tears to be shed around the graveside but with a final little whimper, Woofy stopped and came back to lay on JJ’s feet on his shiny new black shoes.  
  
  
JJ hunched down to pet him and Willow felt her heart clench.  
  
  
The service ended and Tara turned to Willow.  
  
  
“I just want to offer my sympathies to her children.”  
  
  
Willow nodded and jostled Robyn more securely against her body.  
  
  
“We’ll wait in the car.”  
  
  
She stepped forward and placed a hand on JJ’s shoulder.  
  
  
“Ready to go back to the car buddy?”  
  
  
JJ looked up, back down at Woofy and then up again to nod. He stood again and Woofy came willingly as they walked out of the graveyard over to where Willow’s car was parked.  
  
  
“You were so brave and respectful,” Willow said to him gently when she noticed his eyes stayed on the ground, “Do you want to talk about anything?”  
  
  
JJ shook his head.  
  
  
“Can I stay out with Woofy?”  
  
  
“You can sit with the door open, but I don’t want you walking around the parking lot,” Willow replied, “Another car might not see Woofy and hurt him accidentally.”  
  
  
JJ nodded that he understood and sat into the backseat with his legs hanging out.  
  
  
Robyn was still sniffling, so Willow sat into the driver’s seat and gathered her in a bigger hug.  
  
  
“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay to be sad and cry when you need to.”  
  
  
She looked in the rearview mirror at JJ who glanced back and Willow offered him a little smile.  
  
  
Robyn slowly quieted, not even quite understanding why she was crying in the first place but feeling it nonetheless. As Willow stroked her back she caught a little ticklish spot and Robyn let out a little giggle. Willow smiled and tickled her again gently until she could see a permanent smile settle on her daughter’s face.  
  
  
She settled Robyn on her knee and kissed her forehead.  
  
  
“Who loves you?”  
  
  
“Mom-mah,” Robyn announced with a definite nod of her head.  
  
  
“And?” Willow prompted.  
  
  
Robyn grinned.  
  
  
“Mom-mee.”  
  
  
“And?” Willow asked again, the corners of her mouth curling upward.  
  
  
“Jay-Jay,” Robyn clapped her hands and Willow was sure she heard a small chuckle from the back that accompanied the eye roll she caught in the mirror.  
  
  
“And?” Willow asked one more time, her voice rising playfully.  
  
  
Robyn seemed shocked for a moment to be asked and then her eyes blinked excitedly as she realized she knew the answer.  
  
  
“Bubb-eees!”  
  
  
“That’s right, the babies love you too,” Willow replied, closing her arms around Robyn’s back and cradling her from side to side, “We all love our Robbie-Robs.”  
  
  
She kissed the top of Robyn’s head multiple times as she stood out from the car again and brought her to the back to sit in her car seat. She strapped her in and noticed Tara walking across the lot so asked JJ to sit in with Woofy.  
  
  
“Juice,” Robyn requested, smacking her lips together.  
  
  
“Uh uh,” Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“Juice pwease,” Robyn amended with a slightly protruding bottom lip.  
  
  
Willow cleared her throat.  
  
  
“Thank you for saying please, but no. There’s no eating or drinking in Momma’s car,” she replied firmly, “I’ll find your sippy cup with your water.”  
  
  
“No wan’ watah!” Robyn protested, flailing her little arms.  
  
  
“Then nothing,” Willow said as she closed the door again and returned to the driver’s seat, “Can’t wait for that minivan to be delivered.”  
  
  
Tara sat into the passenger seat moments later and looked back to check on the kids.  
  
  
“I talked to Mrs. Potts’s children and they are very grateful that they know Woofy has a new family,” she said in a gentle tone, “They said she would be very happy to know he’s with great kids who love him and take care of him.”  
  
  
She petted the dog’s head, who was now lying beside JJ, who had snapped him into his special safety belt. She looked at JJ with a sad smile and then over to Robyn who had turned from blubbery to grumpy since she’d last seen her.  
  
  
“Robyn, what’s wrong?”  
  
  
Robyn’s little arms crossed petulantly across her chest.  
  
  
“Momma no lemme dwink!”  
  
  
Tara glanced over to Willow.  
  
  
“Why won’t you let her drink?”  
  
  
“She wanted juice!” Willow protested, “Do you remember what JJ did with the grape juice when he was her age?”  
  
  
“I don’t even remember that!” JJ protested at his good name being brought into this.  
  
  
Tara sighed at Willow, exasperated.  
  
  
“Are you seriously being this petty, today of all days?”  
  
  
Willow’s teeth clenched but she let it go as Tara reached into her bag to give Robyn a juice box.  
  
  
Willow looked over at Robyn as best she could through the rear-facing seat.  
  
  
“Please don’t spill.”  
  
  
Robyn just grinned and took a long, slow victorious sip through the straw.  
  
  
Willow’s nose scrunched and she looked ahead forlorn as she started the car. She had to wait to let the hearse pull out again and that sobered her pretty quickly. She reached over and put her hand on Tara’s thigh and just rubbed softly, letting Tara know she was there.  
  
  
She felt Tara’s hand cover hers and hold on.  
  
  
Back at the house, Robyn grinned a toothy grin for Willow as Willow unstrapped her to take her from the car.  
  
  
“No spill Mom-mah.”  
  
  
“Hey, good girl,” Willow smiled back, kissing the top of Robyn’s head as she set her down.  
  
  
She cheerily grabbed the empty juice box Robyn had left behind.  
  
  
Except it wasn’t quite empty and the pressure of her grabbing it made the last spurt of juice squeeze out and stain the interior.  
  
  
“Goddammit!”  
  
  
Inside, Tara refilled Woofy’s food bowl and took some meat out of the fridge for dinner and just generally tried to find things to keep her busy.  
  
  
The kids ran in and out with the dog but she didn’t think to correct them; she was glad to see them be able to be happy.  
  
  
After a little while had passed, Willow appeared with her phone pressed to her ear.  
  
  
“Uh, let me check.”  
  
  
She put it against her shoulder to muffle the speaker.  
  
  
“Um, Tare?” she asked, noting the way Tara was half-leaning on a stool, half hunched over the island like she’d become too exhausted to move and had just leaned on the spot, “The dealership just called. They want to deliver the minivan today. Is that okay?”  
  
  
Tara forced herself up and held her back.  
  
  
“Yeah,” she agreed wearily, “Sure.”  
  
  
Willow finalized the details with the dealership and hung up. She came over to Tara and rubbed her back gently.  
  
  
“Do you need some space?”  
  
  
Tara sighed gratefully for the contact on her back.  
  
  
“Maybe?”  
  
  
The kiddie smiles were great but she wasn’t able to compartmentalize her emotions quite so easily.  
  
  
Willow gave Tara a side-hug from behind and kissed her cheek.  
  
  
“I will…take the kids to the arcade. Burn off some energy on Dance Dance Revolution.”  
  
  
Tara sighed again, a little easier this time.  
  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
  
Willow thought of griping about the car but thought better of it when she saw how sad Tara still looked at losing her friend. It reminded her to give Mrs. Michelson a call and see how the old book store in Sunnydale was doing.  
  
  
“Remember when we’d do that on dates?” she asked instead, smiling softly, “We were _good_.”  
  
  
Tara couldn’t help but smile back.  
  
  
“The only dancing I do these days is in the five seconds between when I realize I have to pee and when the pee is coming out. Is this what you envisioned when you asked me to marry you?”  
  
  
Willow kissed the side of Tara’s neck from behind.  
  
  
“No,” she admitted in a low tone, “I never knew it could be this good.”  
  
  
Tara reached back and covered Willow’s hand on her shoulder. Willow leaned up and placed her chin there and they just had a quiet moment.  
  
  
Until a crashing sound and annoying child-sized bickering made Willow pull away.  
  
  
“I’m on it. Make some tea and take some time for yourself. We’re out of here for an hour. JJ, Robyn, come on. We’re going to the arcade and if you come quickly I’ll give you $10 each to spend.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t even argue the bribery; she was too tired. She made tea as Willow advised and after giving the children a quick hug goodbye, she sat on the couch with a pot and cup and put her feet up. She’d stood more today than she had in a while and everything was screaming in protest.  
  
  
She tried not to think about the twelve long weeks she had left to go with her stomach just growing more and more swollen, along with multiple other body parts. She felt like she was starting to look like helium was being pumped into all of her extremities.  
  
  
The warm tea felt nice as she cradled the cup between her palms so she just closed her eyes and appreciated the moment of solitude to say a private goodbye toward the heavens.  
  
  
After a while, she heard activity from the driveway and watched Woofy jump up, on alert.  
  
  
She pulled herself up into a standing position and started working toward the front door.  
  
  
“It’s okay, Woofs,” she reassured vocally when she wasn’t able to bend down to pet him.  
  
  
Woofy lay down but stayed in the hallway to keep his eye on things.  
  
  
Tara opened the door expecting to see the new minivan being towed into the driveway but it was a woman leaving a bundle of flowers on the doorstep.  
  
  
“Rose,” Tara said in surprise as the woman looked up, equally surprised.  
  
  
“Tara,” she replied, standing up straight again with the flowers still in her hands, “I didn’t think anybody was home. There were no cars.”  
  
  
“Willow took the kids out in her car,” Tara explained with a gently creased brow, “We’re waiting on the replacement we had to get after the crash.”  
  
  
Rose visibly swallowed.  
  
  
“My heart still stops for a moment when I think of the picture of the wreckage you sent.”  
  
  
“Mine too,” Tara admitted and looked away for a moment, “But we were going to have to upgrade anyway.”  
  
  
She ran a hand down from her shoulder over her heart, then stepped back to open the door fully.  
  
  
“Come in.”  
  
  
Rose cautiously stepped over the threshold.  
  
  
“I really didn’t mean to impose,” she said with a slight nervous shake in her voice, “I-I know it’s a tough day. I just wanted to leave you these.”  
  
  
She offered Tara the bunch of flowers, which came accompanied by a sympathy card and a box of candy.  
  
  
“Runts,” Tara smiled.  
  
  
“You loved them when you were little,” Rose replied with a self-deprecating smile, “Silly to think—”  
  
  
“My Mom would buy a box when we went to the movies,” Tara interrupted, though not rudely, “She would always give me all of the strawberries because they looked like hearts.”  
  
  
“I remember that,” Rose replied softly.  
  
  
Tara found the nostalgic craving overwhelming and broke into the box then and there. She tossed a small handful into her mouth, cautious not to spike her sugars, and immediately felt like a little girl sitting in the front row of the movie theater, popping candies into her mouth while she watched The Little Mermaid on screen and fell in love with her first redhead.  
  
  
She seemed to realize how she must look and sheepishly held the open box out.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, do you want some?”  
  
  
Rose just raised a hand and shook her head.  
  
  
“I’ll leave you alone,” she offered and began to leave.  
  
  
“You don’t have to,” Tara cut in quickly as she swallowed what was in her mouth, “I’m just sitting around waiting for our new car to be delivered.”  
  
  
Rose held the strap of her purse on her shoulder and hesitated.  
  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
  
“I’d appreciate the company,” Tara admitted, transferring the flowers between her hands to hold them better, “Willow took the kids out. I just needed some space to process but I think I have. What are you doing over this way?”  
  
  
“Just some shopping,” Rose shrugged noncommittally and Tara smiled softly at what was unsaid.  
  
  
“You were really kind to remember me.”  
  
  
“Your message sounded like you were very fond of your neighbor,” Rose said kindly, “I’m sure she was a lovely woman.”  
  
  
Tara nodded sadly but didn’t feel that stab of grief that had been there even minutes earlier.  
  
  
“She didn’t have any family living near. We became friends. I couldn’t bear to think of anyone lonely.”  
  
  
Rose reached up and placed her palm on Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“You’re just like your Momma. Kindness is innate.”  
  
  
Tara blushed and ducked her head, but was smiling.  
  
  
“Tea?”  
  
  
Rose nodded agreeably and Tara gestured with the hand holding the flowers.  
  
  
“Let me go put these in water. This is our new dog Woofy by the way.”  
  
  
Woofy barked in greeting.  
  
  
Tara guided Rose to the living room and detoured into the kitchen to get a vase. She took the flowers and splayed them out in the water, then brought them back into the living room with an extra cup for the tea.  
  
  
“I love this bouquet,” she said as she set it down in the middle of the coffee table and let her fingers brush against some of the petals in the mixed bunch, “Willow loves pink roses and I love yellow daisies. It’s so colorful.”  
  
  
She leaned down to get the sweet, fresh scent and felt her soul replenish.  
  
  
“They’re beautiful. Thank you so much.”  
  
  
She set the second cup on the tray and moved to sit beside Rose on the couch but ended up kind of falling in instead. She blushed.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, grace has gone out the window in the last few weeks.”  
  
  
“Your mother was a heavy carrier too,” Rose replied with an understanding smile, “We thought you were going to be a boy because she ended up so big, but you weren’t even a big baby in the end. Six pounds, three if I remember correctly.”  
  
  
This was thrilling and surreal to Tara all at once; to hear of her mother’s secret life like this. _We_ thought, Tara couldn’t help but throw around her mind, like I was _theirs_. She wished she could remember more of those pockets of her life where she had a second parent who wasn’t an abusive alcoholic, where she had a sister, where she had a _real family_.  
  
  
Memories did push into her mind sometimes when she and Rose spoke and learned more of those times but she was so young and what did come forward was often fleeting, and probably always would be. But just to know she was on the precipice and she hadn’t even known it…sometimes it felt cruel to have that knowledge with nothing she could do to change it.  
  
  
She idly poured Rose a cup of tea as her heart slowed again to a normal rhythm.  
  
  
As she handed the cup over she looked out the bay window over Rose’s shoulder and was quite sure this time that she could see the minivan arriving on the back of a tow truck.  
  
  
“Oh,” she said in surprise, having kind of forgotten about it, “I think that’s our new car coming in.”  
  
  
As she struggled to stand again, she rubbed her temple nervously.  
  
  
“I shouldn’t have sent Willow out. She’s the car buff, she’ll know if everything is okay.”  
  
  
Rose just smiled and stood with her.  
  
  
“I think I can help.”  
  
  
Tara was very agreeable to help and walked out with Rose to take delivery of their new Subaru Ascent.  
  
  
“Nice model,” Rose smiled at Tara before walking further out into the driveway to consult with the delivery driver.  
  
  
As Willow drove home after getting a little-too-competitive at Skee-Ball and embarrassing the heck out of JJ by trying out Dance Dance Revolution by herself (she thought she’d retained her skills quite well and Robyn seemed to enjoy watching her, giggling and clapping the whole way through), she hoped she’d given Tara enough time to decompress.  
  
  
Robyn wasn’t wearing a pull-up and Willow had no spares in her car. Since Robyn only had a brief nap before the funeral, her capabilities at anticipating her own needs were not full capacity. Willow gave them as long as she was comfortable but she had to bring them back because if her car got urinated on she might be the one to throw a tantrum.  
  
  
In the backseat, Robyn batted at the rattle hanging from her car seat handle like it was her personal maize ball.  
  
  
“Mom-mah?”  
  
  
Willow tensed.  
  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
  
Robyn looked very thoughtful for a moment as her head cocked in her seat.  
  
  
“How spell ay-bee-cee-dee-eee-eff-gee?”  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrows rose and then almost immediately furrowed.  
  
  
“Uhh…” she replied, her mouth pursing tightly, “Let me get back to you on that one.”  
  
  
“Momma, what’s going to happen to Mrs. Potts’s house?” JJ interjected before Robyn could threaten Willow’s orthographical understanding of the alphabet any further.  
  
  
“Well, her kids will probably sell it, buddy,” Willow answered honestly.  
  
  
JJ frowned.  
  
  
“They won’t take Woofy will they?”  
  
  
Willow caught his eye in the rearview mirror and shook her head.  
  
  
“No buddy, Woofy’s a Rosenberg-Maclay now.”  
  
  
“Woseberg-Clay,” Robyn clapped, recognizing her own name.  
  
  
Willow smiled and it only increased as she took the corner onto their street.  
  
  
“Hey look kids! The new car is here!” she pointed ahead excitedly, “It has Wi-Fi! And screens and a great safety rating and you can have all the juice boxes you want and you won’t ever have to sit in my car again!”  
  
  
She immediately tried to laugh off the guilt.  
  
  
“Because you’ll love the minivan so much, of course.”  
  
  
She trailed off with a chuckle and breathed a sigh of relief when she got away with it.  
  
  
She couldn’t pull into the driveway because the new car was there along with another car she didn’t recognize, so she pulled up on the curb.  
  
  
She let JJ out and immediately Robyn started wailing to be let out too.  
  
  
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Willow said as she moved around to the other side of the car, “You’re going to make the whole street think we have a banshee. Do you know what that is? A ghost lady who screams like you!”  
  
  
She lifted Robyn out of her seat and kissed the top of her head before placing her safely on the driveway.  
  
  
“Little baby banshee.”  
  
  
She scurried off toward JJ and by the time Willow followed up, she saw the lights on the minivan flash and the distinct sound of unlocking.  
  
  
She looked up and smiled at Tara in the doorway, holding the keys. She lifted a hand to wave and then slid open the side door of the car so the kids could see inside.  
  
  
“It’s cool, huh?” she said, lifting Robyn in to crawl around inside, “We can put your seat right there, Robbie and JJ you get to have a whole row to yourself! And see there’s room for the babies back here when they’re born.”  
  
  
JJ sat into ‘his’ seat and a slow grin spread across his face.  
  
  
“Cool.”  
  
  
“Very cool,” Willow countered with the same kind of grin.  
  
  
Noticing Tara was waiting at the door, she let the kids have another quick look around before bringing them inside.  
  
  
“Hi,” Willow greeted and popped a kiss on Tara’s lips as they met in the doorway.  
  
  
“Hi,” Tara returned sweetly with a tender smile, “Kids, I want to introduce you to someone.”  
  
  
She gestured over her shoulder for Willow to follow.  
  
  
“You too.”  
  
  
Willow closed the door and followed them into the living room. Willow politely shook the woman’s hand as the introduction was made.  
  
  
“This is Rose.”  
  
  
“Ohhhh,” Willow said in understanding, giving an extra squeeze in her handshake for warmth, “It is very nice to meet you, Rose.”  
  
  
Rose blushed a little under that intentful greeting.  
  
  
“Hello everyone.”  
  
  
Tara put a hand on JJ’s back and the other on top of Robyn’s head.  
  
  
“Rose, this is JJ and Robyn and Willow. Rose was…a friend of _my_ Mommy’s.”  
  
  
Robyn looked up curiously.  
  
  
“Mommy have Mommy?”  
  
  
Tara nodded. They had talked about her before but didn’t expect Robyn to retain it.  
  
  
“I did. She died too, like Mrs. Potts,” Tara said with a sad smile.  
  
  
Robyn picked up on it straight away and frowned deeply.  
  
  
“Sad?”  
  
  
“Sometimes I’m sad. I miss her,” Tara admitted, “But I get to remember her when I see Rose and we talk about her and that’s how we keep her in our hearts. Let me show you a picture.”  
  
  
Rose swallowed deeply and closed her eyes for a moment with her hand over her heart.  
  
  
Tara took Robyn’s hand and led her over to the mantle where there was a framed picture of her mother. She handed it to Robyn to look at and glanced over to JJ.  
  
  
“Do you want to see it, Jake? I know you’ve seen it before.”  
  
  
“Of Grandma Lisa?” JJ asked and got an affirmative nod as he approached. He looked at the picture over Robyn’s shoulder, “She looks like you, Mom.”  
  
  
He looked up at Tara.  
  
  
“Can we put a picture of Mrs. Potts up too?”  
  
  
Tara nodded and squeezed his arm.  
  
  
“Sure, sweetie.”  
  
  
Still standing in front of the couch Willow and Rose made awkward eye contact.  
  
  
“So, you knew baby Tara. Was she always so cute?”  
  
  
“Born that way,” Rose replied fondly as both women ignored Tara blushing off to the side, “Except for her fondness for shoving things up her nose. I only left my toolbox open once, I can tell you.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes widened as wide as they’d ever been.  
  
  
“I KNEW IT!”  
  
  
She looked over at Tara with a grin, who was purposefully ignoring her. Willow rocked back and forth on her heels and smiled again at Rose.  
  
  
“Did you see the cool new wheels?”  
  
  
“Your S class?” Rose asked with an arched eyebrow.  
  
  
“No the—” Willow started to correct, then looked at Rose curiously, “You know cars?”  
  
  
“I like to think so,” Rose replied humbly, “Used to own a few dealerships.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes widened again.  
  
  
“Know any good interior specialists?”  
  
  
They talked shop for a bit until Tara gave Willow the eye to watch the kids for a moment. Willow politely excused herself and swapped places with Tara, who stood alongside Rose again.  
  
  
“I hope I didn’t insult you with the way I described you to the children,” she said with a furrow of concern between her eyes, “I wasn’t sure how you would want…”  
  
  
“Oh,” Rose replied, crossing her arms gently over her chest, “Whatever you feel is appropriate.”  
  
  
“Well they have two moms so it’s not going to be a big shocker,” Tara joked with a crooked smile.  
  
  
Rose blinked several times, lost in thought and that familiar quirk of lips.  
  
  
“It took me a long time to be able to talk about her accurately. Those few minutes we talked before I knew that you knew…it was surprising how cut deep I felt about the idea of denying her again.”  
  
  
“Who was she?” Tara asked softly.  
  
  
Rose swallowed and lifted her chin.  
  
  
“My wife,” she said finally, exhaling a breath on the last word, “Not legally…obviously. But we did exchange rings.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and crossed her arms loosely on her chest too.  
  
  
“Do you still have it?”  
  
  
“Of course,” Rose replied as if there could be any other answer.  
  
  
Tara felt a pang of pain in her heart.  
  
  
“I wish I’d known back then so I could…salvage her ring for you or…I hate to think that my father probably just sold it for a bottle of whiskey.”  
  
  
“Oh, no. I have it,” Rose reassured, quickly shaking off that thought, “She couldn’t wear it at your house so it was always left in mine.”  
  
  
She placed her palm over the base of her throat and looked thoughtful for a moment before slipping her fingers under to pull out the chain from under her shirt, where two rings hung together.  
  
  
“I don’t really show it off but you are an obvious exception.”  
  
  
Tara had to stop herself from reaching out to touch them but did stare for a long moment. Finally, she lifted her gaze back up to Rose with an unshed tear in her eye.  
  
  
“I wish I could have been at your wedding.”  
  
  
“You were,” Rose winked and took Tara’s hand to squeeze it before placing it on Tara’s belly.  
  
  
Tara understood and smiled from ear to ear.  
  
  
She had to sit but she stayed forward on the seat so she was still close to everyone.  
  
  
“Kids?” she called again, “You remember I told you Rose was my Mom’s friend?”  
  
  
Everyone looked at her and Tara smiled up at Rose and then back at the children.  
  
  
“She was my Mom’s wife.”  
  
  
Willow smiled too and nodded respectfully at Rose.  
  
  
“Like Momma is my wife,” Tara clarified when there was no reaction.  
  
  
“I know what wife means, Mom,” JJ all but rolled his eyes.  
  
  
“Watch it,” Willow warned, poking him gently at the back of his shoulder.  
  
  
“I wife!” Robyn announced cheerily as she squeezed her plush tiger toy, “Mah-wee Stwy-pee.”  
  
  
“Can I come to the wedding?” Willow asked and Robyn had to spend a long time thinking about it.  
  
  
“There you go,” Tara smiled at Rose, “No big deal to them.”  
  
  
Rose exhaled through a grin, sitting beside Tara again.  
  
  
“Amazing to see.”  
  
  
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” Tara offered, both kind and hopeful.  
  
  
“Are you sure I’m not imposing?” Rose asked with a flattened brow that facilitated an intent look to make sure Tara wasn’t placating her.  
  
  
“Don’t be silly,” Tara dismissed, “Willow doesn’t mind, do you?”  
  
  
Willow looked over, still in the middle of trying to wrangle an invite to the first-ever documented banshee/stuffed tiger wedding.  
  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
  
“Rose staying for dinner?” Tara clarified.  
  
  
“Oh no,” Willow shook her head agreeably, “Please do. It’s nice to have a friendly face around who can implicate my perfect wife in all kinds of shenanigans.”  
  
  
She extricated herself from wedding planning and walked over.  
  
  
“Speaking of, baby — you need to eat.”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara nodded as she checked the time.  
  
  
“Sit,” Willow said before Tara even had a chance to try and stand, “I’ll bring you something.”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Tara smiled and leaned up to give Willow a kiss just as Willow leaned down.  
  
  
Willow brushed her fingers against Tara’s as she left and Tara watched her go. Rose watched her watching.  
  
  
“She’s lovely,” she said in a quiet, almost teasing voice, “Lisa would approve.”  
  
  
“Oh, I’m pretty sure she sent her to me,” Tara smiled serenely, then place both hands over her belly, “We named the babies.”  
  
  
“Oh how wonderful,” Rose said with an excited bounce in her words and body.  
  
  
Tara motioned to take Rose’s hand, who offered it obligingly. Tara held it under her stomach.  
  
  
“This is Emily Eve,” she said as she let their hands follow the curve upward, “And this…is Lily Lisa.”  
  
  
Rose’s breath audibly caught and Tara felt her hand froze on her stomach. There was an entirely still moment just between them under Robyn’s tiny feet started to stamp.  
  
  
“Give Jay-Jay!”  
  
  
“No, it’s not yours!” JJ protested, swiping back his Lego piece he was trying to build with.  
  
  
Tara blinked and shook her head, throwing her hands up in the air.  
  
  
“And this is what we decided to double down on.”  
  
  
“I can hear you hollering from in here!” Willow yelled from the kitchen.  
  
  
“We can hear you hollering from in there!” JJ retorted.  
  
  
“JJ,” Tara corrected softly, reached out to rub his shoulder and let him know she was there.  
  
  
He glanced over apologetically and Woofy came over requesting pets.  
  
  
Robyn suddenly dropped her claim on the brick and jumped up yelling at the top of her voice.  
  
  
“Need potty!”  
  
  
“Willow!” Tara called out, knowing there was no way she could move fast enough.  
  
  
“I heard, I’m coming!” Willow yelled back, skidding into the room moments later, “Hold it, Robbie!”  
  
  
She yanked Robyn up under the arms and ran flailing with her toward the stairs to bring her up to the bathroom.  
  
  
Tara just gestured around and could only smile.  
  
  
“I am so sorry.”  
  
  
Rose shook her head.  
  
  
“Please, don’t be,” she replied emphatically, “My— Lisa would have loved to be part of this wonderful, real family.”  
  
  
Tara suddenly felt two kicks on opposite sides of her stomach and a peace came over her. She felt her mother closer than she ever had and that piece that had been missing clicked into place. She smiled.  
  
  
“She is,” she replied confidently.  
  
  
“I think so,” Rose agreed and it seemed like perhaps that was the first time she’d ever allowed herself to believe that might be true.  
  
  
And that’s when Tara knew she _could_ change the past and had already. Not what had happened, but what she allowed to influence her. Those snapshots of an almost-family she had as a child had imprinted enough to allow her to form her own family as an adult.  
  
  
“Would you excuse me one moment?”  
  
  
“Of course,” Rose smiled, already at ease and smiled over at JJ who was still intently building between comforting pets of the dog, “You know, JJ, I have a nephew who once had a whole wall made of Lego.”  
  
  
JJ’s head snapped up with his eyes as wide as saucers.  
  
  
“You can do that?!”  
  
  
Tara walked out of the room and made her way toward the steps.  
  
  
This happiness she felt inside her stemmed from one place; one person; the only one who she could ever have built this life with.  
  
  
She needed to go kiss her wife.  
  
  
Right now.  
  
  
Even if it was in front of their toddler on the potty.  
  
  
_Especially_ if it was in front of their toddler on the potty.


	18. Chapter 18

* * *

_**Chapter Thirteen** _   


* * *

Willow rinsed her mouth as she placed her toothbrush back in the holder and brought a washcloth up to her face to wipe her lips.  
  
  
A few feet away in the tub, Tara chuckled lowly and a hand disappeared under the water which was obscuring her whole body, leaving her just a disembodied head poking out amongst a sea of bubbles.  
  
  
“What’s so funny?” Willow grinned over at her wife as she patted the cloth over her face.  
  
  
“The babies float when I’m in the water,” Tara said, her wrist appearing out of the water momentarily as she skated it over her belly, “It’s a funny sensation.”  
  
  
Willow put the toilet seat lid down and sat on top, near the tub.  
  
  
“They’re floating all the time,” she said with a small, confused burrow between her eyes and a smile on her face.  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“No, it’s different. I can feel them all buoyant. Like my hips have a trampoline stretched between them.”  
  
  
“I never felt that,” Willow replied a little wistfully, “It must be so different with two.”  
  
  
“I don’t know what it was like with one,” Tara shrugged one shoulder softly.  
  
  
Willow smiled again and rubbed her hands down her thighs and off her knees as she stood.  
  
  
“Need a hand to get out?”  
  
  
“I won’t be getting out without one,” Tara replied with a bashful smile.  
  
  
She leveraged herself on the sides of the tub and pushed herself up into a standing position with help from Willow to keep her steady.  
  
  
Willow handed her a robe which Tara pulled over herself, already needing to stretch out her back again despite the water being soothing while she was in it.  
  
  
She brushed her teeth and moisturized her face with extra care. It was so dry these days; she felt a long way off from those early glowing days.  
  
  
When she was finished in the bathroom she walked back into the bedroom and across to the bed. Even that short exertion made her need a little rest before she got changed for bed.  
  
  
Willow was sitting on the other side buttoning up her pajama top and bounced back to lie with her head on the pillow. She smiled over at Tara and scooted over to kiss her.  
  
  
Tara responded but had to pull away after a moment.  
  
  
“Oof,” she half-sighed, half-grunted as her palm rounded over her stomach, “They’re playing a game of soccer in there.”  
  
  
“Both of them?” Willow asked, propping herself up on her elbow.  
  
  
“Yeah,” Tara nodded through a bit of a painful wheeze.  
  
  
Willow looked down at Tara’s belly curiously.  
  
  
“How can you tell?”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes as felt multiple winding flicks against her ribs.  
  
  
“Because they only have two feet each and I’m being kicked in every direction.”  
  
  
Willow grinned.  
  
  
“I don’t think they’re very good at soccer,” she said through a laugh, “Robyn will have to give them pointers.”  
  
  
She let her hand hover as she brought it above Tara’s stomach.  
  
  
“Can I feel?”  
  
  
“Of course,” Tara replied, and flicked the sides of her robe off so her belly was exposed.  
  
  
Willow moved her hand around but the babies seemed to have taken half-time. Willow pouted a little that she had missed it then suddenly saw a very obvious bulge and ripple move under Tara’s very taut skin.  
  
  
“Whoa!” she said, her gaze snapping up to Tara, “Did you see that? Was that a head?!”  
  
  
“I think it was a little butt,” Tara laughed quietly.  
  
  
“Whose?” Willow asked, grinning from ear-to-ear, “Lily’s if it was up here, right?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head and felt her belly for the babies’ positions.  
  
  
“Actually, I think it was Emily. She’s just upside down right now.”  
  
  
Willow giggled and tapped Tara’s belly.  
  
  
“I’m gonna spank her little butt.”  
  
  
Tara’s face fell.  
  
  
“Willow.”  
  
  
“I’m just kidding,” Willow defended quietly.  
  
  
“Well don’t,” Tara replied, frowning deeply so her forehead tensed.  
  
  
Willow felt a tension settle on her shoulders but just shook it off.  
  
  
“Hey, you know I would never…”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes glanced down and then slowly up at Willow.  
  
  
“I know,” she said finally, softly, “I’m sorry.”  
  
  
“No, it was insensitive,” Willow replied quickly and leaned down to press her lips on Tara’s stomach, “I will kiss it though.”  
  
  
She kissed where she’d seen the bulge and heard a little laugh as she tickled Tara’s skin. Once she felt Tara’s hand stroking her hair and knew everything was okay again, she lifted herself back up.  
  
  
“Do you want me to get you one of your sexy nighties?”  
  
  
Tara poked Willow in the shoulder.  
  
  
“You won’t be laughing when I keep wearing them even after the birth.”  
  
  
“Hey, easy access, I’m not complaining,” Willow laughed and jumped off the bed before the playful slap Tara was aiming at her could land.  
  
  
She went over to the dresser and took out one of the maternity nighties Tara had bought. Admittedly, they weren’t the sexiest of things but Willow could see the difference it made for her wife not to have a struggle just to get ready for bed.  
  
  
Tara took her arms out of the robe to pull the nightie over her body, then put her arms back in and pulled the blanket up over her body as she turned onto her side.  
  
  
“Cold, baby?” Willow asked and checked the radiator to make sure they were warm, “I changed the timer settings. Compensate for those crisp Fall nights.”  
  
  
“No, I’m okay,” Tara replied in a murmur, “Crap. I forgot to get my sugars.”  
  
  
“I got you,” Willow replied softly and took the monitoring kit out to prick Tara’s finger and take the sample, “130. You’re right on it. Need to keep an eye on that. ”  
  
  
She kissed Tara’s pricked finger and locked the kit up again before washing her hands.  
  
  
She got back into bed and made sure the blanket was comfortably over Tara’s shoulder and kissed the back of her head. She sat up against the pillows and opened her nightstand to take out her glasses and iPad.  
  
  
After a few minutes, she heard the quiet creak of the bedroom door and spotted a mop of strawberry-blonde hair out of the corner of her eye.  
  
  
“Robyn,” Willow intoned in that low, motherly tone, “It’s bedtime.”  
  
  
She placed the iPad down, intending to get up to bring Robyn back to her room, but noticed her daughter was idling in the doorway with a deep, sad frown on her face. It made her heart clench. Usually, Robyn looked mischievous or giggly when trying to sneak into their room.  
  
  
“Are you okay, baby?”  
  
  
Picking up on Willow’s tone, Tara looked over her shoulder and pushed herself to turn onto her other side.  
  
  
“What’s wrong Robbie?”  
  
  
Robyn’s bottom lip started to protrude.  
  
  
“Tumm’ache.”  
  
  
“C’mere baby,” Willow said, opening up her arms.  
  
  
Robyn padded across the room and climbed up onto the bed, shimmying her way between the two warm bodies.  
  
  
“You have a tummy ache?” Tara asked gently and got a resounding nod, “Whereabouts?”  
  
  
Robyn sniffled sadly.  
  
  
“Ih’ my nose.”  
  
  
“In your—” Willow started, bewildered, then stopped herself, shaking her head, “Show Momma.”  
  
  
Robyn cupped her whole lower face gingerly and Tara lifted a hand.  
  
  
“Can I touch?”  
  
  
Robyn eyed Tara hesitantly.  
  
  
“Mommy care-fwul?”  
  
  
Tara nodded seriously.  
  
  
“I promise, bean.”  
  
  
Tara gently put a finger into Robyn’s mouth and had a feel. After a moment, Robyn let out a little yelp and Tara quickly extracted her finger.  
  
  
“Mommy’s sorry, Mommy’s sorry,” Tara said, stroking Robyn’s cheek with her thumb, “Her back molars are coming in.”  
  
  
“Poor baby,” Willow replied sympathetically, rubbing Robyn’s back, “I’ll get her some baby Tylenol.”  
  
  
She delicately extracted herself as Robyn didn’t want to let go.  
  
  
“Go snuggle with Mommy,” she encouraged softly and Robyn glanced at Tara and decided she was forgiven enough to accept snuggles.  
  
  
Tara wrapped an arm around Robyn and cuddled her up close. Robyn hid her face in the crook of Tara’s neck and had almost fallen asleep by the time Willow returned carrying two bottles.  
  
  
“I always forget which one of them is a grape addict and which one is bubblegum.”  
  
  
Robyn’s eyes suddenly sprang open, wide.  
  
  
“Bub’gum!”  
  
  
Willow chuckled as she shook the pink bottle.  
  
  
“This stuff is like baby crack.”  
  
  
She sat back on the bed with her legs out and poured a spoonful for Robyn to take. She smacked her lips together and sought more so Willow gave her a tiny bit and put it away out of sight. She got back into bed and looked over to Tara with a very serious look on her face.  
  
  
“You know, I don’t know if that’s going to do it. It’s just not enough to combat something as serious as a tummyache in the nose.”  
  
  
Tara caught on and matched her tone and look.  
  
  
“Oh, but what can we do to make Robyn feel better?”  
  
  
“There’s only one cure for it,” Willow announced and threw herself around Robyn from the other side, “A mom sandwich!”  
  
  
Robyn jiggled and giggled and forgot all about her sore ‘nose’. Willow and Tara settled around her and Tara started to hum until she smiled easily and her eyes started to droop.  
  
  
“Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,” Tara sang in a gentle, soothing tone.  
  
  
“Do-do-do-do-do,” Willow added in some soft doo-wop.  
  
  
“Goodnight, sweetheart, well it's time to go,” Tara continued, smiling at her wife.  
  
  
“Ba-do ba-do,” Willow smiled back.  
  
  
Tara slipped her hand onto Willow’s hip.  
  
  
“I hate to leave you, but I really must say…”  
  
  
“Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight,” they sang together and Robyn gently slumped into them, happily asleep.  
  
  
“And not a binky in sight. Glad we finally weaned her off that thing,” Willow smiled, “Should I bring her back to her bed?”  
  
  
“Should you?” Tara asked softly, “Yes.”  
  
  
Willow brushed some hair from Robyn’s brow and knew no one was taking her back to her room tonight.  
  
  
“Where’s Woofs?”  
  
  
“It was JJ’s turn to sleep with him,” Tara answered, settling her head back on her pillow.  
  
  
Willow did much the same on her side, content to have their little bean squashed between them.  
  
  
“Then I guess it’s just the…” she stopped and grinned, “Five of us.”  
  
  
Tara felt an uncomfortable flop in her belly and it wasn’t from one of the twins somersaulting.  
  
  
“We’ll need to start setting up the nursery soon. Get the co-sleeping cribs for the beds and the double stroller and—”  
  
  
Willow reached out and rubbed Tara’s arm gently.  
  
  
“It’s only October. The babies aren’t coming until January—”  
  
  
“I’m very unlikely to go full term—” Tara started but Willow just pacified her with another arm squeeze.  
  
  
“So December then. I have everything on a list on Amazon. I just have to press buy. You’re growing Thing 1 and Thing 2 so let me take care of the rest.”  
  
  
Tara looked unamused.  
  
  
“I thought you’d given up on those nicknames.”  
  
  
“Never,” Willow replied empathically, then leaned over to give Tara a quick kiss and Robyn a small one on the nose as she rubbed Tara’s belly, “Goodnight, love. Little loves.”  
  
  
Tara felt the slumber she’d been near when Robyn first came to the door falling over her again.  
  
  
“Goodnight.”  
  


* * *

  
“Yeah! Go Jakey!”  
  
  
There were hollers from all of the parents in the stands as JJ netted the basketball into the basket. His team was playing outside in the park and the sun was peeking out between the clouds down on the open court.  
  
  
Willow was adding generously to the cheers and Tara caught JJ cringing on occasion upon hearing them.  
  
  
Tara brought her hand to Willow’s upper arm and caressed Willow’s skin between her thumb and forefinger.  
  
  
“We’re not allowed to call him Jakey in public.”  
  
  
“Piffle,” Willow replied indignantly, “I named him, I’ll call him whatever the heck I want.”  
  
  
Tara rolled her neck in place.  
  
  
“Willow, I’m just about at my tolerance limit on these seats in this cold with Robyn whining about her teeth. Don’t make me deal with a cranky tween as well.”  
  
  
“He’s eight,” Willow replied pointedly.  
  
  
“And what age are you?” Tara snapped back.  
  
  
It was meant to be playful but came out with a bite. Willow knew it wasn’t meant how it sounded. She reached out and placed a hand on the small of Tara’s back.  
  
  
“Do you need to leave, baby?” she asked softly.  
  
  
Tara glanced over gratefully for the understanding.  
  
  
“I want to see out his game,” she said, sighing as she adjusted her back, “They just didn’t design bleachers with pregnant women in mind.”  
  
  
Willow stood up and took one step up and back to the bench behind. She sat behind Tara and angled her knees out at Tara’s hips.  
  
  
“Lean back on me. Use me.”  
  
  
Tara leaned some of her weight back and murmured happily as some pressure was taken off of her back. She looked to the side and caught a furtive glance or two.  
  
  
“The heterosexuals are staring.”  
  
  
Willow wrapped her arms entirely around Tara’s extended belly and tickled Tara’s ear with her breath.  
  
  
“I’ll give ‘em something to stare at.”  
  
  
Tara grinned from ear to ear and her muscles relaxed a little more. Willow felt it and tried to adjust to give her the most support.  
  
  
“Is that any better?”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara replied softly, “Thanks.”  
  
  
Willow popped a kiss on the side of Tara’s neck and let her chin rest on Tara’s shoulders. She looked down at the court, where Ira was standing at the fence, keenly following the game.  
  
  
“Look at my Dad.”  
  
  
“He loves being a Grandpa,” Tara agreed.  
  
  
Willow watched him physically jump an inch or two in the air when another basket was made.  
  
  
“He always wished he had a boy.”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“Don’t say that.”  
  
  
“I don’t mean it bitterly,” Willow clarified quickly, “He just wanted someone to play catch with.”  
  
  
“He could have played catch with you,” Tara countered.  
  
  
Willow just chuckled.  
  
  
“Like Sheila Rosenberg would have ever let me get mud on my clothes — and for fun? Like spitting in the wound,” she said, dropping a kiss on the spot where Tara’s neck met her shoulder, “I love my gender-role-busting, mud-positive, fun-at-all-costs co-parent.”  
  
  
She kissed under Tara’s ear again. Tara murmured back to her.  
  
  
“Is this the show you were talking about?”  
  
  
Willow rested her chin on Tara’s shoulder from behind.  
  
  
“They should be so lucky.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and then JJ scored again and she clapped while Willow hollered in her ear.  
  
  
“Yeah!”  
  
  
Tara glanced over at Robyn in the stroller but she was sleeping through the noise as she chomped on her teether, as long as Tara kept a gentle motion.  
  
  
The game ended with JJ’s team winning comfortably and there was lots of clapping and a few disgruntled parents grudgingly following along. Woofy stood up from where he had been lying alongside the stroller and began panting excitedly at all the commotion.  
  
  
Tara let out a soft groan as her lower back spasmed and Willow did her best to hold Tara at the waist.  
  
  
“Okay, baby you did it, but you need to be in a proper chair with support and a hot water bottle.”  
  
  
JJ ran up to them and bent to pet Woofy, who jumped and licked all over him.  
  
  
“JJ you did so well!” Willow said, putting her hand up for a high five.  
  
  
“We’re so proud of you, sweetie,” Tara added, reaching out to give some ‘acceptable’ affection; a squeeze of his arm.  
  
  
He surprised her by going in for a quick, sidelong hug.  
  
  
“Moms can I go out for pizza with the team?” he asked excitedly, “Everyone else’s parents are bringing them.”  
  
  
“Well, uh,” Willow started, looking at Tara with concern for a moment, “I mean yeah of course but—”  
  
  
“Yeah!” JJ pumped the air victoriously and gave Woofy another pet before running back into the court with the other boys.  
  
  
Willow wished Alex hadn’t switched from basketball to soccer; times like this it was great to be able to trade-off ferrying the kids around with Xander and Anya. She put her hand on Tara’s back for a moment and whispered that she’d be right back.  
  
  
She stood and walked down the bleachers and over to where her father had just waved JJ off.  
  
  
“Dad, would you be able to take Tara home?” she requested with a hopeful smile, “JJ wants to go out for pizza with the team but she really needs to rest. I’ll sit in the parking lot with Robyn. I don’t think moms are on the guest list.”  
  
  
Ira’s whole face and body lifted excitedly.  
  
  
“If you’d like, I can accompany the boy with his friends instead.”  
  
  
Willow smiled softly. She could see he wasn’t just offering to help her.  
  
  
“I think that sounds perfect. Thanks, Daddy.”  
  
  
“I’ll drop him home after,” Ira nodded.  
  
  
Willow nodded back, then turned to look over her shoulder as she departed again.  
  
  
“Try not to let him get totally annihilated on sugar?”  
  
  
Ira’s grin twitched with mirth.  
  
  
“Oh but that’s all the fun of being a grandparent.”  
  
  
Willow could only chuckle.  
  
  
“Thanks, Dad,” she said again and returned over to Tara, “Okay, let’s get you rested.”  
  
  
She started to push the stroller around so she could take the handles, but Tara shook her head as she slowly tugged herself into a standing position.  
  
  
“Actually, pushing the stroller helps me offset some weight.”  
  
  
Willow slipped her hand around the leash instead.  
  
  
“I’ll take Woofy.”  
  
  
They slowly walked back to the car and Willow used her ninja-mom skills to get Robyn into her seat without waking her. The pain medication they’d given her that morning didn’t hurt in keeping her peaceful.  
  
  
“She’s still gone on the baby crack,” Willow said as she hiked into the driver’s seat of the minivan.  
  
  
“You need to stop calling it that,” Tara clicked her tongue but a smile was threatening to peek out.  
  
  
Willow shot a grin in her wife’s direction and pulled out of the lot. It was a short spin home; a route they usually walked but Tara hadn’t felt able that morning, saying her feet felt like balloons.  
  
  
Willow checked her mirrors and spotted Woofy had put a paw by Robyn’s hand, who was rolling it between her fingers as she slept. She nudged Tara to look too and they shared a smile.  
  
  
Once home, Tara gratefully sat into a chair with support and Willow brought Robyn upstairs for the rest of her nap. She returned to the car when she realized the teether had been left behind so she could retrieve and wash it. On her way back, she spotted a large brown padded envelope sitting to the side in their porch, which she hadn’t seen when going inside the first time, but she had been carrying Robyn.  
  
  
She picked it up and saw it was addressed to Tara but didn’t have many other identifying markers. She held it under her arm as she walked back into the house to leave the teether in the sink and then brought it into the living room to hand it off to the intended recipient.  
  
  
“Package for you.”  
  
  
“For me?” Tara asked with a confused furrow in her brow.  
  
  
Willow did most of the online shopping in this household, as evidenced by the endless packages they’d been receiving as she ticked off items on the Amazon list. Tara took it and scanned it the same way Willow had, but there was nothing that stood out in the handwritten scrawl of her name and address.  
  
  
She tore open the top and peeked inside. There were items wrapped in plastic and another smaller, standard-sized white envelope. It was open and her name was written on the front of it. She took the letter out from inside and unfolded the page.  
  
  
“From the estate of Myra Potts,” she read, only inhaling softly a few moments after she’d realized what she’d read, “Oh.”  
  
  
Willow came over and sat on the arm of Tara’s chair.  
  
  
“Oh, sweetie.”  
  
  
She ran her fingers along Tara’s arm and offered silent support as Tara let the contents fall into her lap. Tara picked up the plastic wrapping on top and slid out what was inside; one round item of knitting that Tara was able to hold over her fist.  
  
  
“A tea cozy she was knitting me so my pot of cinnamon tea would last longer in the office,” Tara smiled sadly, “She saw me admiring hers and smiled that secret smile of hers. I’d forgotten.”  
  
  
She handed it off to Willow for her to see, who smiled as she spun it around her hand.  
  
  
She watched Tara take out the contents from the other envelopes and cocked her head as she took them all in.  
  
  
“How many teapots does she think you have?”  
  
  
“No,” Tara laughed quietly, “They’re hats for the kids.”  
  
  
Willow suddenly noticed the recognizable patterns and even the little ears sticking out on top. She picked up the top two: a beige hate with yellow spikes and an orange one with black lines.  
  
  
“A Lion for JJ like Roar-y and a tiger for Robyn like Stripey!” she exclaimed in delight as she turned over the hats to get a better look at them, “What did the girls get?”  
  
  
Tara held a gray hat over one hand and a black and white one over the other.  
  
  
“A panda and a koala bear.”  
  
  
“She made them both bears!” Willow said, thrilled at the notion but frowned as she took them to examine, “They’re kinda small.”  
  
  
She touched the soft material, then held her hand to her heart and felt a pang of sadness.  
  
  
“I wish I’d gotten to know her better. She was clearly a special woman.”  
  
  
Tara knew Willow meant that but also that her sadness was drawing from another source. She placed a hand on Willow’s knee.  
  
  
“How’s Ruth? I know you've been chatting a few times. Your face lights up when you speak to her.”  
  
  
“She seems like she's doing great. Opens that store every morning, no matter what. And still winning at bingo every Wednesday night,” Willow grinned to herself but it slowly fell away, “But I get the feeling she’s not saying something.”  
  
  
She shrugged her shoulders and looked down. Tara kept running her palm on Willow’s thigh.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, honey.”  
  
  
Willow blinked heavily.  
  
  
“She was old when I was a kid so now she’s…” she stopped and swallowed, “She’s the type that wouldn’t say, y’know? Just enjoy life until…”  
  
  
Tara squeezed Willow’s thigh.  
  
  
“Admirable.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Willow breathed out and then took in a fresh deep inhale, “But right now she’s doing well. She sent me a kid’s book about twins but she sent two of them.”  
  
  
She waved a hand.  
  
  
“Her own little joke.”  
  
  
“Or one for each of them,” Tara suggested, “It’s important actually that they both feel like individuals and are given the same individual opportunities the other kids are.”  
  
  
Willow could only chuckle.  
  
  
“There she goes again, teaching me life skills without me ever knowing it.”  
  
  
She fidgeted just to occupy her hands and picked up the last plastic parcel from Tara’s lap, taking out the adult-sized hat inside.  
  
  
“Aw, cute. She made you an owl.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“It’s for you,” she said, quite surely, “I told her how you read that Owl Babies book to the kids all the time. She knew it, she read it to her grandchildren.”  
  
  
Willow was truly touched and when she took it, she realized there were two; one stuck into the other. She separated them and fixed one on Tara’s head and then the other on her own.  
  
  
“Beautiful,” she announced to Tara and leaned down to kiss her through a giggle.  
  
  
They soon heard the telltale rattling off the baby gate being climbed over and then, sure enough, Robyn padded in with her hair flying in all directions. She climbed straight into Tara’s lap and curled around her belly from the side. Willow thought it was the cutest thing she’d ever seen and reached out to smooth out that wild hair.  
  
  
“Any more tummy aches in your nose?”  
  
  
Robyn shook her head sleepily. Willow held up the tiger hat to show her.  
  
  
“Look at—”  
  
  
Robyn snatched it, suddenly very awake.  
  
  
“Wobby want!”  
  
  
“Take things nicely, please,” Willow said, but couldn’t resist quickly affixing the hat onto her daughter’s head, “Oh you look so cute. Doesn’t she look so cute? All Tara-faced and Tiger-headed.”  
  
  
Robyn climbed down and fetched her most beloved soft toy, Stripey the Tiger, to hug and squeeze.  
  
  
“Me twin too!”  
  
  
Willow chuckled and Tara smiled too but was beginning to feel her regular bout of nausea beginning to creep in.  
  
  
“Willow, would you get me some tea please?”  
  
  
“Of course I will,” Willow replied, hopping up, “I’ll even use your new cozy!”  
  
  
“Cozy,” Robyn parroted and looked suitably so as she cradled her toy.  
  
  
Willow went off to the kitchen to make the tea and Tara settled back in her chair with her hands folded on top of her belly, smiling at the reason she enjoyed sitting in this chair so much: it was in the perfect position to look up at the hanging photo of her and Willow on their wedding day above the fireplace.  
  
  
Robyn played with Stripey for a minute or two but soon became intrigued in what was keeping her mother so enrapt. She followed Tara’s gaze but didn’t spot anything unusual about the same living room wall she’d seen every day of her life.  
  
  
She stood by Tara’s legs and looked between the wall and Tara.  
  
  
“Wha’ dah Mom-mee?”  
  
  
Tara’s head turned and she smiled fondly.  
  
  
“That’s the day I married Momma.”  
  
  
Robyn looked higher and contemplated the photo for a bit.  
  
  
“Pwetty,” she concluded after a moment.  
  
  
“Oh, thank you little bean,” Tara gushed with a sprawling smile, “Wasn’t Momma so pretty? She’s still so pretty.”  
  
  
“Yah,” Robyn agreed with a blunt nod of her head, “Where me?”  
  
  
“You weren’t born yet, honey,” Tara replied softly, “JJ wasn’t even born.”  
  
  
“No Jay-Jay?” Robyn asked in disbelief, then scooted closer to Tara, “I get mwahhied when I growed?”  
  
  
“If you decide that’s what you want,” Tara replied with a nod. Robyn had been quite interested in weddings lately.  
  
  
Robyn seemed contemplative.  
  
  
“To guhl?”  
  
  
“If you want,” Tara smiled softly.  
  
  
“Boy?” Robyn questioned further with an alternating furrowing of her eyebrows.  
  
  
“Whoever you choose,” Tara answered sincerely.  
  
  
Robyn took a moment before her eyes widened excitedly.  
  
  
“Woofy?”  
  
  
Woofy stood at his name being called and Robyn started to skip over to him.  
  
  
“Come Woofy, we get mwahhied!”  
  
  
Willow returned with a tray of tea, complete with new cozy, as Robyn skidding out with Woofy in tow.  
  
  
“Get out while you can, Woofs, they really nab you on that whole ‘to honor and obey’ bit.”  
  
  
“Haha,” Tara replied and playfully threw her eyes upward.  
  
  
Willow set the tray down on the coffee table and pecked Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“First Stripey, now Woofy. She's notching up quite the band of brother husbands,” she chuckled, then put her hands on her hips and looked at Tara's lap, “Wish I could take her place.”  
  
  
Tara’s hands followed the curve of her stomach.  
  
  
“I have more belly than lap to offer these days.”  
  
  
Willow sat on the edge of the couch and poured Tara some tea.  
  
  
“Your back feeling any better?”  
  
  
“As good as it gets these days,” Tara replied as she gratefully accepted the cup, “I don’t think I’m going to be up for trick or treating this year.”  
  
  
“The kids will understand,” Willow reassured.  
  
  
“I’m not worried about the kids,” Tara smiled tenderly, “I know you’ve planned couple costumes.”  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Willow grinned back, “It will work better next year when Thing 1 and Thing 2 are here anyway. I’ll just have to rework the your-belly-as-a-goldfish-bowl idea…”  
  
  
“I wouldn’t have let you make my belly into a goldfish bowl anyway,” Tara countered with a scoff.  
  
  
“I have ways of persuasion,” Willow smirked.  
  
  
Tara couldn’t help but feel her stomach turn in a different way but tried not to let it show and have Willow gloat.  
  
  
“You—”  
  
  
“Moms, I bwide!”  
  
  
Robyn announced herself before she was seen, holding a toilet roll above her head so it fell behind her like a veil. Tara brought a hand to her temple.  
  
  
“Please don’t tell me that’s trailing around the whole house.”  
  
  
Willow stood up at the doorway and gulped.  
  
  
“I…will not tell you that.”  
  
  
Suddenly the front door slammed and then JJ’s voice could be heard as he took the stairs two-by-two.  
  
  
“Moms, Gramps says I need to change. I was getting his car all dirty. Why is there toilet paper everywhere?”  
  
  
“And you thought there was something magically self-cleaning about my floor?!” Willow called after him.  
  
  
Tara sighed softly and looked at the array of baby animal hats and how apt they were.  
  
  
“A zoo would be less chaos.”  
  
  
“But not as cute,” Willow admitted, smiling over at Tara, “Owls mate for like y’know. You still want to wear it?”  
  
  
Tara pointed one finger at the wedding photo.  
  
  
“That day I made a promise for a life I could never even imagine.”  
  
  
She reached and affixed her owl hat over her own head.  
  
  
“But I don't stay with you because nature dictates it. I choose you. I choose us to be owl mothers together.”  
  
  
Willow swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“I’m glad,” she said, trying to fight off a shake in her voice, “Because you are so hoot-iful!”  
  
  
Tara rolled her eyes but was grinning.  
  
  
“And I don’t want to be owl by myself,” Willow continued, laughing through some quickly-shed tears.  
  
  
She leaned down right as Tara leaned up and they kissed softly and slowly for a moment.  
  
  
The door banged and they popped apart. Willow winced as she remembered.  
  
  
“I need to go…not clean up a bunch of toilet paper,” she turned her head to glance out the door, “And possibly get Woofy a divorce lawyer. He’s entitled to one of her sippy cups and at least 50% of her blankie collection, you know.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and rubbed Willow’s arm.  
  
  
“I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.”  
  
  
Willow pressed a kiss to the bridge of Tara’s nose.  
  
  
“Our own little love nest.”  
  
  
“Are you on the owl puns again?” Tara grinned.  
  
  
“That one was an accident,” Willow giggled and inhaled softly, “I love you, my gender-role-busting, mud-positive, fun-at-all-costs co-owl-mother.”  
  
  
She fixed Tara’s ears on the hat.  
  
  
“Especially when you look so cute in that hat.”  
  
  
“Stop stalling,” Tara said a wry smile.  
  
  
Willow held her hands up.  
  
  
“You got me.”  
  
  
She took the hat off and held it in her hands.  
  
  
“Think the cleaning can wait for a quick phone call?”  
  
  
Tara rubbed Willow’s thigh.  
  
  
“I think it can wait as long as the phone call takes.”  
  
  
Willow smiled.  
  
  
“Thanks, baby. I love you.”  
  
  
She kissed Tara’s forehead and left to fetch her phone. Tara held both hats in her hands and whispered, smiling as Willow left.  
  
  
“Owl always love you.”


	19. Chapter 19

* * *

_**Chapter Fourteen** _   


* * *

Willow looked up from her coffee when she heard Tara’s heavy steps on the stairs.  
  
  
Tara was certainly heard before she was seen these days, which Willow appreciated because it gave her precious seconds to make sure nothing was sticking out or acting as an impedance that Tara might knock into. That belly was a mask and a weapon if Tara didn’t have a clear path.  
  
  
Tara walked into the kitchen and Willow had to hide a frown with how exhausted she looked with her day just starting. But Willow hid that frown well and offered her wife her biggest smile as a greeting.  
  
  
“I see you came as a gorgeous pregnant goddess for Halloween.”  
  
  
Tara actually smiled, which Willow took as a success. Tara pressed her lips to Willow’s cheek as she brushed past.  
  
  
“You're just a bee charmer, Idgie Threadgoode. That's what you are, a bee charmer.”  
  
  
Willow ducked her head and lightly blushed then raised her eyebrows suggestively at Tara.  
  
  
“I would definitely play Ruth and Idgie with you sometime.”  
  
  
Tara poured herself a glass of water and started to put her arm around Willow’s shoulders.  
  
  
Like any good lesbian, Willow had watched Fried Green Tomatoes at least once a year since the first time she’d seen it and knew exactly what Tara was up to. Especially because almost all of those viewings had been together.  
  
  
She jumped back before the water could be flicked on her.  
  
  
“Don’t you dare!”  
  
  
Tara seemed to consider it then just grinned.  
  
  
“Only because I have to get to work.”  
  
  
Willow could only laugh and opened her mouth to respond but before she could she saw Tara’s whole face tighten and her cheeks flush. She brought herself back over and put a hand on the small of Tara’s back.  
  
  
“Oh, that was a new face. What’s wrong?”  
  
  
Tara hunched over and breathed in and out.  
  
  
“It just feels like my heart is beating through my stomach every so often.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“…I don’t like how that sounds at all.”  
  
  
“It’s okay. I probably just need to eat,” Tara exhaled roughly.  
  
  
Willow made sure Tara’s back was supported and hurried to get the blood glucose monitor. She brought it back and quickly tested the drop of blood Tara offered from her finger. Her tongue clicked as she read the numbers.  
  
  
“Tara. Your readings have been skewy for three days now. We need to make an appointment with the doctor,” she said softly but insistently but could see Tara wasn’t objecting, “I’ll take care of it, okay? If she can’t see us tomorrow, she’ll see us on Monday and we’ll have to have an easy-going weekend. And I’m taking the kids trick or treating with Xan and the other kids so don’t worry about that. I think Xan wants me, him and Jesse to go as Luke, Leia, and Han. He said he has the costumes. But if they think I’m going all gold bikini…”  
  
  
She took a breath and a step back, frowning at Tara’s face again.  
  
  
“I’m making you some toast.”  
  
  
She kissed the top of Tara’s head and left her sitting there to round back to get some whole wheat bread in the toaster. She took out a half of an avocado sitting the fridge and quickly mashed it in a cup ready to spread out on the toast when it popped up.  
  
  
She placed the plate in front of Tara and got her mug ready with tea while the kettle boiled.  
  
  
“Eat, baby,” she encouraged softly as the kettle started to whistle.  
  
  
Tara looked up and shook her head to herself. After blinking once, she picked up the toast and started to eat.  
  
  
“Thank you, Willow.”  
  
  
“Any time,” Willow replied tenderly as she put Tara’s special teapot and cup by her and poured one into the other.  
  
  
She covered Tara’s hand with her own and held it there for a steady moment. Tara looked up so their eyes locked. She just gently lifted her thumb beneath Willow’s and caressed it gently.  
  
  
Tara ate quietly and Willow slowly saw her color return to normal. Her shoulders began to sit up straight again with a new burst of energy. She finished her breakfast and threw back the tea and jumped up — well, slowly stood with the support of the island, but that was as close as she got to jumping these days — to get her bag for work.  
  
  
“You sure you’re feeling better?” Willow asked cautiously when Tara returned to the kitchen to grab her lunch from the refrigerator.  
  
  
Tara came over to take Willow’s hands.  
  
  
“I had a blip. I bet you felt like I did before your first coffee.”  
  
  
“I’m not carrying two babies,” Willow reasoned with an arched eyebrow.  
  
  
Tara’s lips sloped up on one side.  
  
  
“I’m getting kicked in all four directions again so they’re very much okay.”  
  
  
Willow’s hands instinctively curved around Tara’s belly and she could actually feel what Tara was talking about. She didn’t know how her wife managed to smile through that; she remembered Robyn giving her a dig or two that completely winded her and that was just with two legs.  
  
  
“That’s great,” she said eventually, sincerely, “But I asked about you. Have things settled?”  
  
  
Tara leaned in and pressed her lips to Willow’s softly. Her lips were plump and moist and her kiss passed an evocative quiver between them.  
  
  
“You tell me.”  
  
  
Willow’s lips slowly spread into a grin as she adopted a southern drawl.  
  
  
“I'm as settled as I ever hope to be.”  
  
  
Tara matched her smile and rested their foreheads together. She linked both sets of hands.  
  
  
“Make the appointment so we’re reassured but I think I just need to adjust my eating schedule. Have breakfast before I get ready. I’m using more energy just getting ready than I was a few weeks ago.”  
  
  
“I’ll bring it to you in bed every morning,” Willow promised perkily.  
  
  
Tara’s eyes creased affectionately.  
  
  
“Idgie Threadgoode, you old bee charmer, you.”  
  
  
Willow smiled bashfully, then her eyes suddenly lit up.  
  
  
“We should dress up as Ruth and Idgie one year!”  
  
  
“Outside of the bedroom?” Tara asked with a quirked eyebrow and they both giggled softly with each other.  
  
  
Tara kissed the bridge of Willow’s nose and popped a last, quick kiss on her lips.  
  
  
“I have to go. I love you.”  
  
  
“I love you too,” Willow called after her and then bent down with her arms on the island to just take a breath.  
  
  
She needed to get herself together too. She heard Tara say goodbye to JJ and then the door close and then the minivan drive out of the driveway. She put a fresh coffee on to fill into her travel mug to take in the car with her and went to the fridge to get out JJ’s lunchbox. She noticed Tara forgot to bring Robyn’s lunchbox with her but it wasn’t too big of a deal, Willow could drop it off. It was an inconvenience but only a minor one; their offices were only ten minutes apart on foot, quicker if she could get a parking space.  
  
  
Willow walked into the hallway and could hear sounds of balls being bounced and cheering coming from upstairs.  
  
  
“JJ, your bus will be here in a minute. Get off YouTube please.”  
  
  
The iPad was dutifully shut off and JJ appeared on the top of the stairs, which he took down two by two.  
  
  
Willow stood at the foot, holding up his backpack ready to put on his shoulders, but he stopped to look at her curiously for a moment.  
  
  
“When you were my age, was YouTube in black and white?”  
  
  
Willow spluttered indignantly.  
  
  
“No!” she said grouchily, twisting the backpack straps so they were smooth on his front, “Okay, turn around.”  
  
  
JJ did and Willow stepped back to look at him; he looked unusual but not in the way she expected. A lilac shirt, suspenders, one of the bowties Ira had gotten him and a pair of Groucho glasses with the nose and hair ripped off; so thorough that Willow didn’t even realize what he’d done at first, they looked like any other pair of plastic frames.  
  
  
“You look really sharp today buddy! But why aren’t you wearing a costume?”  
  
  
“Momma,” JJ rolled his eyes, “This is my costume. I’m a nerd. Look I have one of these things and everything.”  
  
  
He waved an object in his hand and Willow frowned.  
  
  
“That's a calculator.”  
  
  
“Yeah!” JJ replied, waving it about, “Did they have these when you were young?”  
  
  
Willow bristled and shook her head to herself.  
  
  
“I’ve failed as a parent,” she murmured, folding her hand on her hips, “Nerds aren’t something to laugh at.”  
  
  
JJ rolled his eyes again and Willow had to squeeze her nails into her palms to stop her from getting too overtly frustrated.  
  
  
“No, Momma, _Nerds_!” he repeated, with emphasis, “I’m a purple nerd and Thomas is a pink nerd. Like the candy? When we stand together we’ll look like the box of candy! Was that around when you were young?”  
  
  
His fascination with her apparent long-gone youth was making Willow’s eyes twitch.  
  
  
“Excuse me, young buck, I will have you know—” Willow stopped when the school bus pulled up outside and honked the horn to indicate it was there, “Saved by the beep. Go get on your bus. And I will have you know, I was the original nerd.”  
  
  
She put a hand on his back to guide him to the door and he looked back as he stepped out.  
  
  
“Is Robyn staying home today?”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
  
“Robyn’s playing upstairs,” JJ explained, rolling back and forth on his heels, “Mom usually takes her in the mornings.”  
  
  
Willow’s frown deepened and she looked back up the stairs.  
  
  
“Okay, thank you for telling me that. Have a good day at school,” she said finally and caught JJ just before he ran off, “Hey c’mere.”  
  
  
He kissed the top of his head.  
  
  
“I love you.”  
  
  
“Momma, not with the door open!” JJ protested incredulously.  
  
  
“Sorry, sorry,” Willow held her hands up, “Have a good day at school.”  
  
  
He hurried off to the bus and Willow watched until he was safely on, then turned on her feet and quickly made her way up the stairs. Sure enough, Robyn was rolling around on her bedroom floor instead of being strapped into her seat in the minivan as she should be.  
  
  
Willow blinked several times like she might be a mirage before stepping into the room. Tara hadn’t forgotten Robyn’s lunch, she’d forgotten _Robyn_.  
  
  
“Hey, Robbie.”  
  
  
Robyn rolled over in her green costume and leaped toward Willow.  
  
  
“Riiiiibbbbbiiiiit.”  
  
  
Willow nearly had a heart attack.  
  
  
“Why are you dressed like a frog!?”  
  
  
Robyn sat back on her butt and cocked her head at Willow.  
  
  
“Hal’ween Mom-mah.”  
  
  
Willow’s hand was clutching her heart.  
  
  
“Why did you pick something so scary?”  
  
  
Robyn just giggled and did a sideways tumble.  
  
  
“I jump, Mom-mah!”  
  
  
Willow quickly strode over to Robyn’s dress-up box and tried desperately to pull something else out.  
  
  
“You wanna dress up as a princess?”  
  
  
Robyn giggled, showing off her white teeth.  
  
  
“I fwog! I kiss pwincess!”  
  
  
Willow had to admit that was endlessly adorable, but still.  
  
  
“You could be a penguin,” she offered, holding up the black and white costume.  
  
  
Robyn shook her head from side to side.  
  
  
“I fwog,” she said determinedly.  
  
  
“First my son, now my own daughter taunting me,” Willow muttered to herself and held her head in her hands for a moment before looking back with a blink, “Okay, fine. Come downstairs with me.”  
  
  
Robyn hurried over.  
  
  
“I jump Mom-mah!”  
  
  
“Not down the stairs you won’t!” Willow said and caught her before she leapfrogged her way into a concussion.  
  
  
A trip to the hospital was the last thing she needed today.  
  
  
She brought Robyn into the living room and sat on the couch to pull her phone from her pocket. She found Tara’s contact number and put the phone on speaker as it began to ring.  
  
  
“Hey Will, what’s up?”  
  
  
“Um…” Willow started, glancing over at Robyn still doing her best acrobatics, “I think you forgot something.”  
  
  
There was a pause and Willow could practically see the little v likely forming in Tara’s brow.  
  
  
“What?”  
  
  
“Our daughter?” Willow asked, her tone lifting curiously at the end.  
  
  
There was an audible whoosh of Tara’s head turning to look to the backseat in the minivan.  
  
  
“Oh my god,” her voice crackled through the speaker, “Oh my god, I’m coming right back!”  
  
  
“I can take her?” Willow offered.  
  
  
“No, I’m coming back right now!” Tara’s frantic voice spoke out, “I’m hanging up, I’ll be right there!”  
  
  
The line went dead and Willow folded her phone back into her pocket.  
  
  
“Mommy is silly.”  
  
  
Robyn looked up and resolutely shook her head; as serious as a toddler could be.  
  
  
“No, Mom-mah is silly.”  
  
  
“Can’t catch a break today,” Willow sighed and threw herself back into the couch lost in her own smile.  
  
  
She waited until she saw the minivan coming back down the street and brought Robyn and her lunchbox to the door. Tara appeared up the driveway, flustered, moments later and rushed toward them, holding Robyn close as if she’d lost her somewhere other than home.  
  
  
Willow handed the lunchbox over with a wry smile.  
  
  
“It’s called baby brain, not forget-the-baby brain.”  
  
  
Tara’s cheeks were flushed and she was shaking slightly.  
  
  
“I’m so sorry, have I made you late?”  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Willow reassured upon seeing her reaction, “But it’s lucky JJ said she was still upstairs. I wouldn’t have looked.”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes to stop any tears from flowing. Robyn looked up and pressed her little hand on Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“Mom-mee sad?”  
  
  
Tara swallowed, opened her glassy eyes and shook her head.  
  
  
“No baby,” she said with a gruff in her voice she had to clear her throat again to get rid of it, “Mommy loves you.”  
  
  
“Love Mom-mee,” Robyn returned and waved a fist toward Willow, “Love Mom-mah.”  
  
  
“Hey, positive validation, go me,” Willow joked and put her arms around them both for a second until Tara pulled away.  
  
  
“We need to go. We’re late now. Goodbye. Again.”  
  
  
“Goodbye you two,” Willow waved, then looked to Tara again, “By the way, when did she get a…that costume?”  
  
  
“She asked to be a frog for Halloween,” Tara replied, hiking Robyn around on her hip as she struggled to keep a hold of her with the belly in the way.  
  
  
Willow shuddered.  
  
  
“And you didn’t think it was a bit…adult?”  
  
  
Tara blinked.  
  
  
“It’s a frog.”  
  
  
Willow really wished she’d stop saying that word.  
  
  
“It’s a terrifying creature.”  
  
  
Tara was struggling now to be staying in that spot and position.  
  
  
“Can you press pause on your frog fear for Halloween please?”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“The one year I don’t organize their costumes and this is what happens.”  
  
  
Tara turned to look at Robyn.  
  
  
“Robyn are you happy being a frog?”  
  
  
Robyn bounced on Tara’s hip.  
  
  
“Riiiiibbbbbiiiiit.”  
  
  
Tara looked at Willow pointedly and started walking back toward the minivan.  
  
  
“I won’t forget this betrayal!” Willow called after them.  
  
  
She watched them drive out safely as well and then walked back into the house to grab her lunch and get out of there. The door shut behind her and she shook her head.  
  
  
“I am DEFINITELY taking back control of Halloween next year.”  
  


* * *

  
Willow sat back in her ergonomic chair with added lumbar support and wondered yet again why Tara wouldn’t let her buy her a similar chair for her cubicle.  
  
  
Tara seemed embarrassed at the idea of bringing in her own chair but Willow didn’t see why. Tara’s sleep was starting to be affected by pain in her back and Willow was getting frustrated seeing it happen when there was an easy solution that would only cost a few hundred bucks.  
  
  
Sometimes she forgot how poor Tara grew up and how adverse she was to spending money on herself. They’d had Rose for dinner a couple of times now and Willow had heard fond stories of them cooking together with the kids to make the small money Tara’s father gave her mother stretch as long as it needed to. There had been tales and licking the bowl and flour fights that were clearly cherished memories but it reminded Willow of the dichotomy of their upbringings.  
  
  
Still, it wasn’t the case anymore and the only thing stopping Willow from buying the chair and installing the damn thing herself at Tara’s desk was…  
  
  
Actually, that was a good idea, Willow thought to herself. She could tag Michelle in and have it pre-assembled so it just needed to be wheeled in place and left for Tara to find. Willow had been party to an undercover sting before on the job; she could pull this off. Force Tara to take care of herself.  
  
  
With a self-satisfied nod, she pushed herself forward back into her desk and brought up some pages of research she had already done when buying her own chair.  
  
  
A few minutes in, her cell phone rang and her eyes glanced quickly at the name to determine if she needed to answer it or not. It was Robyn’s daycare. Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Hello?” she asked as she whipped the phone up to her ear and listened to the person on the other end, “Oh, uh, you’re calling the wrong mother. My wife is the one who collects her. She works upstairs.”  
  
  
Willow listened again and checked the time on the corner of her middle monitor.  
  
  
“Wait, how late is she?” she said and then her eyes widened considerably, “Okay, I’ll call her right now.”  
  
  
Willow noted some irritation on the other end and sighed.  
  
  
“Well, then…I’ll come to get her right now. Is she okay?”  
  
  
Willow jumped up and grabbed her jacket from its hook.  
  
  
“Okay. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Goodbye.”  
  
  
She hung up the phone and marched out her office; already halfway to the elevator by the time her office door slammed behind her, locking itself with an unheard click.  
  
  
Willow already had her phone to her ear again and frowned even more deeply when she got the same voicemail that the daycare had.  
  
  
“Tara, have you checked the time? Robyn needed to be collected an hour ago. They called me, I’m going over there now. Call me when you get this.”  
  
  
When Willow got to the elevator, Xander called out from the bullpen from where he was leaning on Jesse’s desk, discussing a case.  
  
  
“Hey, Willster! Going to try on your costume?”  
  
  
Willow scowled in frustration as she stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby.  
  
  
“I gotta go pick up my kid.”  
  
  
Xander glanced at Jesse and snapped a file closed as the doors pushed together and finally closed.  
  
  
“I have a bad feeling about this.”  
  
  
Willow decided to just walk because it would be faster than trying to find a parking space at this time. She arrived at the building in a little less than eight minutes and walked right across the large lobby to where the daycare was situated at the back of the building.  
  
  
She was a little out of breath as she got there but all business as she approached the clerk at the front desk.  
  
  
“Hi. I got a call about Robyn Rosenberg-Maclay?”  
  
  
The clerk looked up and immediately lifted a phone to her ear.  
  
  
“One moment please,” she said politely and then began conversing with the person on the other end.  
  
  
Willow rocked back and forth on her heels but she didn’t have to wait long. The door to the back opened and a guy with a blue shirt that had ‘Matthew’ monogrammed on the breast walked out with Robyn, her little backpack bouncing on her shoulders.  
  
  
“Mom-mah!” Robyn said excitedly. This was a nice surprise. Usually, only Mommy picked her up. She launched herself around Willow’s leg.  
  
  
“Hey little bean,” Willow greeted in a rush, rubbing her hand over Robyn’s mess of hair.  
  
  
Robyn looked up and swung out of Willow’s leg.  
  
  
“Mom-mah I make pic-chure and I dwawed unicone and…”  
  
  
Matthew looked over at Willow with a disapproving flick of his eyes and loosely crossed his arms over his chest.  
  
  
“Her collection time is over an hour ago. If this happens again—”  
  
  
Willow _really_ did not feel like being patronized right now.  
  
  
“Can you just add whatever charges or whatever you need to to the bill? It won’t happen again.”  
  
  
Robyn was still babbling away about her day so Willow picked her up and held her on her hip, intending to get out of there.  
  
  
“Has Robyn’s other parent changed their working hours? We could advise a better schedule if you require it,” Matthew asked before Willow could turn.  
  
  
Willow’s brow creased.  
  
  
“What? No. She has control over her schedule.”  
  
  
“When we couldn’t reach her cell we called the work number provided we got the out of office message,” Matthew explained.  
  
  
A vein started to pop in Willow’s forehead.  
  
  
“So she hasn’t just lost track of time…she walked right on out of here without collecting Robyn? Again?” she asked no one especially and shook her head, “Unbelievable.”  
  
  
She huffed out a breath and gave a grudging look to Matthew, who seemed like he was beginning to realize he’d stepped into something way over his head.  
  
  
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”  
  
  
He just nodded once.  
  
  
“Goodbye Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay,” he said cordially and smiled warmly at Robyn, “Bye-bye Robyn.”  
  
  
Robyn waved emphatically from over Willow’s shoulder as she was taken away.  
  
  
“Bye-bye Mahh-oooo!” she said until he was out of sight and she twisted back in Willow’s arms, “Mom-mah where we go now?”  
  
  
“To find your mother,” Willow replied tersely.  
  
  
“Mom-mee,” Robyn said with a happy clap of her hands together. This was sure turning into an exciting day.  
  
  
They headed for the elevator but two men were just beginning to lay down tools and a big ‘out of order’ sign had been slapped on the doors since Willow last passed.  
  
  
“Sorry, sweetheart, it’s going to be out a while,” one of the men, older of the two with salt-and-pepper hair said when he saw her stop for a minute.  
  
  
“My legs are perfectly functional and I’m not your sweetheart,” Willow retorted, somewhat petulantly.  
  
  
He glanced at his younger co-worker and rolled his eyes discreetly. Willow just rolled her eyes too and stomped toward the stairs. The Children and Family Services office was only a few floors up.  
  
  
She walked right past the receptionist, to the woman’s slight alarm and over to where she knew Tara’s desk to be. It was as she expected: empty.  
  
  
“Willow?” Michelle asked in confusion, though did give Robyn a little smile and wave.  
  
  
Robyn chewed her fingers and smiled back.  
  
  
“So, she did,” Willow huffed out a breath, “She breezed on out of here. Why won’t she listen to me that she needs to realize she’s not taking care of herself and now it’s affecting the kids.”  
  
  
“Willow,” Michelle started but Willow already had her back turned and her cell against her ear.  
  
  
“God, Tara, you forgot Robyn again! Is it going to be in the car next time or the store? How can I trust you with her?! Call me back as soon as you get this because we need to have a serious talk. Oh, and I have her now if you even care.”  
  
  
Willow immediately regretted that last bit but she was also still incredibly angry. Before she could say even more she would regret, Michelle instantly sought Willow’s attention, not least because she was causing a scene and she knew Tara would be utterly humiliated.  
  
  
“Willow,” Michelle repeated, standing over her to try and physically cover her from view, “I don’t know what’s going on but Tara left here an hour ago and specifically said she was going to collect Robyn. She was going to take a picture of her costume and send it to me when she got to the car and could charge her phone because it just died. We had a whole conversation about her. She never sent the picture, but I thought she was waiting for better light.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow couldn’t furrow any deeper but her thoughts, or attempts at thoughts, were interrupted when she heard jangling and looked down to see Robyn picking up a set of keys from Tara’s desk to play with.  
  
  
Willow took them, to protestation. She turned them around in her hand.  
  
  
“Those are Tara’s keys.”  
  
  
Robyn sought the keys again and Willow let her, too overcome with confusion to stop it.  
  
  
“Wait…if she forgot her keys, how did she drive home?”  
  
  
“She didn’t,” Michelle was frowning now too, “She couldn’t have. She couldn’t even get into the parking lot without her key fob.”  
  
  
“Then where the heck—” Willow started to ask and then in one horrifying moment of realization she knew exactly what had happened, “Tara!”  
  
  
At a speed even Kathrine Switzer would envy, Willow ran back through offices to the utter bewilderment of absolutely everyone else there who had all turned toward the commotion. Michelle amongst them, she tried to quickly follow Willow who started slapping her palm hard against the closed elevator doors.  
  
  
“Tara! Tara! Tara!”  
  
  
Michelle was still taken aback by Willow’s incredibly odd behavior as she stuck her ear to the doors. Little Robyn seemed to be feeling it and her face started to crumble in confusion and upset.  
  
  
“Mom-mah?” she sought her mother’s reassurance.  
  
  
Willow looked at her and just froze. Michelle saw her opportunity to step in.  
  
  
“I’ll take her,” she said calmly, slowly plucking Robyn from Willow’s grasp, “Come here, sweetheart.”  
  
  
Robyn nuzzled into Michelle’s chest, pacified but now Willow looked like she was near tears. She looked at Michelle with sunken, scared eyes.  
  
  
“Tara’s stuck in the elevator,” she barely croaked out.  
  
  
“What?” Michelle asked with a shake of her head, “Are you sure?”  
  
  
Willow nodded and gulped.  
  
  
“I’m pretty positive.”  
  
  
Her heart sunk and then suddenly jumped up into her throat. She clutched her head on both sides.  
  
  
“Oh god, JJ! He’ll be getting home soon, Tara is supposed to be there! They’re supposed to go trick-or-treating with the other kids later!”  
  
  
“Then they’ll go trick-or-treating,” Michelle chimed in, in that easy authoritative voice that she used in work situations, “Do not worry about your children. Your father and I will take care of them. You focus on Tara. I’ll go to your house right now and be there when JJ gets home. It’s all okay, Willow. They’ll get her out. These outages happen all the time.”  
  
  
Willow looked down at Robyn and tensed her face muscles so hard it mimicked Botox. She held it together enough to try and appear normal. She gently stroked Robyn’s hair.  
  
  
“Okay little bean, you’re gonna go home with Grandma.”  
  
  
Robyn looked trouble.  
  
  
“Where Mom-mee?”  
  
  
Willow swallowed deeply and hunched down the few inches to Robyn’s level.  
  
  
“Can you keep a secret?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded solemnly. Willow had to clear her throat again.  
  
  
“Well, see I’m like you, I’m a frog too. That’s why my eyes are green. I didn’t know I’d passed down my frogness to you until this morning! All these years I’ve had to pretend I hated them just to keep my cover.”  
  
  
Robyn was utterly enthralled and started gnawing on her bottom lip.  
  
  
“But Mommy, see Mommy is my princess. She’s the one who kissed me and made me human. So now I have to go save Mommy so she can kiss me again and we can keep playing without our arms and legs being all slimy and icky and terrifying.”  
  
  
“Icky,” Robyn agreed.  
  
  
Willow smiled though still with a sad crease in her eyes.  
  
  
“So you’re going to go with Grandma and get JJ so you can go trick-or-treating with all your cousins. You have to save me a gummy worm okay?”  
  
  
“‘Kay,” Robyn agreed easily after a moment.  
  
  
Willow kissed the top of her head.  
  
  
“You’re going to have so much fun trick-or-treating. You don’t let the big boys trick you out of any candy.”  
  
  
Robyn looked at Willow with her big blue eyes and then offered Willow one of her mischievous little smiles and made a little leaping motion.  
  
  
“Riiiiibbbbbiiiiit.”  
  
  
Willow almost burst into tears.  
  
  
She kissed Robyn’s forehead and looked at Michelle with the urgency of her emotions to communicate to get Robyn out of there maybe sooner than later. Michelle nodded that she understood and quickly brought Robyn away, back into the offices to gather her things and shush the nosy looky-loos.  
  
  
Willow swiped at her eyes to stop herself from having a full-on breakdown and to stem the furtive glances coming her way.  
  
  
She went back to the elevator and ‘knocked’ again.  
  
  
“Tara, can you hear me? Everything’s going to be okay. They’re working to get you out, okay?”  
  
  
And Willow’s heart sunk because once again she heard the reason she was ‘pretty positive’ Tara was in there — a loud shriek that was muffled and incomprehensible but suitably terrified.  
  
  
She didn’t know if her heart was beating so fast she couldn’t feel it anymore or if it had, in fact, just stopped beating. She felt so awful for all of her assumptions and those nasty messages while Tara was trapped and probably alone in a stuck elevator. She tried to keep in mind what Michelle said and knew that people did get stuck all of the time with no issue. Plus there were already people on the job trying to rectify the situation. Everything was in control.  
  
  
But Tara was shouting for her and she couldn’t get her. She’d lied to Robyn. She couldn’t rescue her princess. She was almost as stuck as Tara was.  
  
  
She decided to go back down, figuring it was where the elevator would open when fixed, and quickly made her way back to the staircase.  
  
  
Mr. Salt and Pepper looked at her gruffly as she approached.  
  
  
“You’ll have to keep using those functioning legs of yours.”  
  
  
“Please,” Willow swallowed with a humble tone and glassy eyes, “My wife is stuck in there. She’s seven months pregnant but I think she may be hurt or at least really scared. Her cell phone is dead and I just…”  
  
  
She stopped and swallowed. She’d done it more in the last 10 minutes than she had all day.  
  
  
“I just want her to be okay.”  
  
  
The younger guy looked up sharply and the two shared an intent glance.  
  
  
“They didn’t tell us anyone was in there,” the younger guy said, already picking up pace.  
  
  
“We’ll get her out, ma’am,” Mr. Salt and Pepper promised with a sincere nod before he too quickly got to work.  
  
  
Willow nodded gratefully and stood back. All she could do was bite her nails.  
  
  
As the minutes ticked by a few more people started to hang around. Willow noticed one woman who looked like she might be security and then another woman arrived in business attire and her own walkie talkie which she was talking into importantly. Willow didn’t pay much heed; she just wanted to see that elevator moving again.  
  
  
She blamed herself a thousand times over while standing there.  
  
  
For not getting Tara a power bank for her phone.  
  
  
For not insisting on that chair that would have made it easier for her to get up and down and given her precious seconds to get in the elevator before it broke down.  
  
  
For not being psychic enough to anticipate the whole thing, even.  
  
  
At some point, two paramedics arrived and the flashing lights from the ambulance sitting on the curb would hit against the glass every now and then but Willow still wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes were hyper-focused on those two steel doors and any sign of movement.  
  
  
Finally, there was a loud creaking sound and the two men working let out grunts of relief. Willow tripped over herself trying to get to the doors and got there right as they opened fully.  
  
  
Tara was lying with her back propped up against the wall, her hair wild and her face red. Her cheeks were tearstained and she was utterly heaving with sobs as terror played out in her eyes.  
  
  
“Willow, I’m in labor,” she gasped out the single second she saw her wife’s face.  
  
  
The hair stood up on the back of Willow’s neck but she quickly swung her head from side to side.  
  
  
“It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s probably just Braxton hicks from the stress!”  
  
  
Tara lifted a trembling hand and closed it on Willow’s wrist. She tugged Willow’s hand in and under her body.  
  
  
Willow felt her palm get wet with whatever fluid had fallen out of Tara and was now all over the eye-sore of a fabric that sat on the floor of the elevator.  
  
  
Her heart made itself known again as it tightened with a kind of constriction she’d never known before.  
  
  
She threw herself back out of the elevator.  
  
  
“We need the paramedics!”  
  
  
She sprung back in to clutch Tara’s shoulders as the paramedics rushed in behind her and tried to push her out.  
  
  
“Everything will be okay. It will be okay, okay?!”  
  
  
Tara features contorted in sorrow as she helplessly cradled her belly and looked to Willow seeking something like the fairytale Willow had told Robyn that would make this situation have a happily ever after. Her choked and rattled voice was not one that would be used as a narrator any time soon.  
  
  
“Go on, you old bee charmer. Tell me a good tall tale.”  
  
  
Willow watched her go helplessly, fearing in her heart that that was true.  
  
  
It was a tall tale.  
  
  
Things were not okay.


	20. Chapter 20

* * *

_**Chapter Fifteen** _  


* * *

Willow hurried down the hospital corridor, trying to figure out where she was going — why were the walls so monotonously white?  
  
  
It made her lose all sense of perspective of where she’d come from and where she was going.  
  
  
God, she hated hospitals.  
  
  
She spotted the sign directing her to the maternity unit and skidded through some double doors into it. She rushed over to the desk where some of the medical personnel were conversing with each other or checking files. Porters were moving about freely and everyone seemed so sedate compared to how fast Willow’s heart was pounding and how fast her mind was reeling.  
  
  
“Tara, Tara Rosenberg-Maclay. She was brought in by ambulance.”  
  
  
The clerk at the desk seemed like an entirely-appropriate kind of woman to work on such a floor; exuding happiness and joy and all of the feelings that should go along with bringing a new life into the world.  
  
  
Even the word ‘ambulance’ didn’t seem to dissuade her cheery smile as she typed into the computer at a much, much too slow rate for Willow — even at a time when her head wasn’t fit to explode.  
  
  
Another second and she’d blow an aneurysm, she was sure of it—  
  
  
“Labor and Delivery, upstairs.”  
  
  
“SHIT!” Willow screeched, resulting in the first frown from across the desk.  
  
  
Willow didn’t stick around long enough to see it though as her feet responded before her head even could. She waited for an entire half-second for the elevator but then couldn’t bear the wait and made a beeline for the stairs instead. She channeled her son and took them two by two and ignored the burning that was beginning in her lungs.  
  
  
Finally, she got to the labor and delivery unit and it was empty.  
  
  
Eerily empty.  
  
  
One nurse stood at the station watching over everything and Willow rushed up to her.  
  
  
“Tara—”  
  
  
“Room 17,” the nurse replied urgently, which send a fresh wave of fear throughout Willow.  
  
  
Once Willow burst into room 17, she realized why that nurse had been the only one at the station.  
  
  
Because every other member of staff was in this room.  
  
  
An array of doctors and nurses surrounded Tara’s bed, monitoring different parts of her body.  
  
  
Everything was beeping, in different rhythms; machines were spitting out readings; Tara was almost hidden beneath straps and—  
  
  
—and lying right there.  
  
  
“Tara!”  
  
  
The shoes on Willow’s feet hit hard against the ceramic tile flooring and her body somehow found the few inches by the bedside that wasn’t occupied. She had to follow Tara’s arm just to find her hand.  
  
  
Tara looked overwhelmed, to say the least, but her fingers clawed around Willow’s hand when she found it.  
  
  
“Willow?”  
  
  
“What’s going on?” Willow asked, looking around desperately for something or someone that could explain to her what she — they — were facing.  
  
  
A doctor opposite them pulled a long strip of paper through his hands and, worryingly, also seemed overwhelmed.  
  
  
“These numbers aren’t dropping. We need NICU down here!”  
  
  
An older, more composed doctor ripped the read-out from the other doctor’s hand so she could read it herself. Her eyes widened.  
  
  
“NICU. NOW!”  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara desperately grasped at Willow’s arm, “Remember your promise.”  
  
  
“Wha…” Willow barely registered what Tara said as she tried to follow the many conversations happening all at once.  
  
  
“Doctor, I need you here now! I’m palpating possible cord prolapse,” a nurse called from below.  
  
  
Tara had so many hands on her she didn’t even know where they were or weren’t anymore. But then there was a sudden scramble to the end of her bed and everyone’s hands and eyes were on her, touching her intimately.  
  
  
The older woman doctor looked up at Tara with concern and sympathy.  
  
  
“Tara, the umbilical cord has prolapsed. This is a critical situation and we need to deliver your babies rapidly. I need to push the cord back to prevent strangulation. I’m so sorry. This is going to hurt.”  
  
  
Before anyone had time to process anything, the doctor was moving between Tara’s legs.  
  
  
And then Tara screamed.  
  
  
A scream so loud, its vibrations bounced off the walls.  
  
  
A scream so pained, the energy physically made some of those well-seasoned professionals stumble backward.  
  
  
A scream so encompassing, it lingered above all of the rest of the chaos going on in the room.  
  
  
A scream so haunting, it would invade Willow’s nightmares for the rest of her life.  
  
  
When Willow’s ears stopped ringing and her vision unclouded she focused back down on the bed and got another shock.  
  
  
Tara’s face was contorted with such agony that Willow couldn’t even recognize her.  
  
  
She wanted to reach out and comfort her; just hold them both in a moment where none of this was happening but she couldn’t. She tried to tune back in but it all felt like she was in one of those medical dramas right before the commercial break.  
  
  
She looked at Tara again and saw something new in her face: stubbornness. Gritty, determined stubbornness.  
  
  
A nurse was standing over Tara on the other side and leaned down close to her face.  
  
  
“Tara, you have to push.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head from side to side in quick bursts.  
  
  
“No. It’s too soon.”  
  
  
“Lady, you gotta push!” one of the young residents, out of his depth, called up.  
  
  
“They’re not ready!” Tara yelled back.  
  
  
The kind nurse by Tara caught her by the arm and looked her right in the eye.  
  
  
“Tara your babies are at risk of hypoxia. That means they’re not getting any oxygen. If you deliver them now there is an over 95% chance that they will survive. We will get them to the neonatal intensive care unit immediately. If you don’t deliver, neither of them will survive and you might not either.”  
  
  
Tara stared back at the nurse for a second, an entire second where the rest of the room hushed up and allowed her the briefest of moments to pull herself together.  
  
  
Tara did.  
  
  
“I-I’ll push.”  
  
  
The nurse immediately started helping her into position and finally, something registered with Willow.  
  
  
“Wait, what?” she said in a lost voice, “T-The babies are coming, they’re coming right now?”  
  
  
But there was no time for Willow process or ask questions or even speak at all. All she could do was be a hand to squeeze, too stunned to even offer encouragement.  
  
  
To even know if she should be encouraging at all.  
  
  
This shouldn’t be happening.  
  
  
But it was.  
  
  
Tara was giving birth right this second, like it or not.  
  
  
She was being put in stirrups and incubators were being wheeled in and the doctors’ voices were growing more and more urgent.  
  
  
The nurse took on the role that was Willow’s right but was too dumbfounded to fulfill. She coaxed Tara and encouraged Tara and somehow throughout it all she managed to catch Willow’s eye and convey the message that she needed to shape up.  
  
  
Finally, the enormity and reality of it all hit Willow and she snapped. Thankfully, it was to attention.  
  
  
She hunched down and grasped Tara’s hand in both of hers.  
  
  
“You got this baby. Don’t you worry. Those little girls just want to meet us a little early. You gotta help them okay? So they don’t get stuck.”  
  
  
Tara looked at Willow and quickly nodded.  
  
  
“Push, Tara,” was called down from below.  
  
  
Tara pushed with all of her might and right before she bowed out with nothing left to give for that round, she felt something rush past her legs.  
  
  
An odd sound left her mouth and she began looking around desperately to see what had happened.  
  
  
“Baby A is out,” the doctor called.  
  
  
“Lily,” Tara gasped, her eyes again searching, “Where is she?!”  
  
  
One of the new doctors that had come with the incubator took Lily and quickly rushed her into it. Those split seconds of transfer were the first and only glimpse Willow and Tara got of their newborn daughter.  
  
  
As she was placed into the incubator and another doctor came over to aid, a quiet wail broke through the room.  
  
  
Willow inhaled a sharp, shaken breath.  
  
  
“You hear that? Listen to those little lungs,” she said to Tara and grasped her hand tightly again, “We gotta get Emily out now okay?”  
  
  
“Lily,” Tara whimpered and tears burst from her eyes.  
  
  
Emily was barely seconds behind, slipping out of the birth canal like the little waif she was. The cord was cut with no preamble and much like her big sister, she was transported to her incubator in seconds flat.  
  
  
Unlike her sister, it was without sound.  
  
  
“Why isn’t she crying?” Tara wailed.  
  
  
“Huh?” Willow asked, looking over to the incubator where she could still hear crying, “She is.”  
  
  
“That’s Lily!” Tara screeched, “Why isn’t Emily crying?!”  
  
  
Willow felt that fog coming down around her again.  
  
  
“I don’t…I don’t know…”  
  
  
She looked on helplessly as the incubators were rushed out and held her forehead between her hands for a moment as she slowly turned back around, unsure how to comfort her wife after such an ordeal.  
  
  
When she focused back on Tara, she noticed Tara’s whole head was drooping, like she was falling asleep.  
  
  
“Tara?”  
  
  
Suddenly one of the beeping machines got LOUD and there was a splat! sound.  
  
  
Willow saw blood stain the white floor.  
  
  
“She’s hemorrhaging!” one of the doctors called.  
  
  
“What?” Willow asked in a caught breath, “What’s happening?!”  
  
  
“Get her out of here!” the attending shouted.  
  
  
The nurse looked apologetic but placed her hand firmly on Willow’s chest and pushed her out of the room. Willow fought it as she watched her wife’s body slump into unconsciousness. She suddenly remembered something.  
  
  
“The babies are out! There’s no choice! Save Tara! Save Tara!”  
  
  
She was pushed out with enough force for her back to hit the wall opposite. She was stunned for a moment but it only took that moment for the doctors all to come rushing out pulling Tara on the bed, the sheets of which had turned from off-white to red.  
  
  
The resident stopped to speak to her but stayed on his toes, ready to run.  
  
  
“She’s bleeding out. We have to take her to surgery. We may need to perform a hysterectomy. We need your permission.”  
  
  
Willow didn’t even think about it. She didn’t even really hear it.  
  
  
“Just save her!”  
  
  
She watched her wife disappear around the corner and stumbled back to the wall for support.  
  
  
Alone in the corridor, she sank into the nearest plastic seat attached to the wall and began crying into her hands.  
  


* * *

  
Willow hurried down the hospital corridor, trying to figure out where she was going — why were the walls _still_ so damn white?  
  
  
And so goddamn endless. It felt like she’d turned the same corner a hundred times now.  
  
  
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a bald man wearing glasses exiting from the elevator. He leaned in and whispered to her.  
  
  
“I've made a little space for the cheese slices.”  
  
  
He showed her a table with slices of American cheese laid neatly in a row. Willow frowned.  
  
  
Suddenly the corridors became a tunnel, that same blinding white covering her from all sides. A red light came from the end and a doctor appeared. The resident that had spoken to her as she watched Tara being rushed off.  
  
  
He was covered in blood.  
  
  
Tara’s blood.  
  
  
He took a step toward Willow and left a bloody footprint on the floor behind him. Willow stared at the trail he produced as he walked toward her.  
  
  
“Willow?”  
  
  
“Me?” Willow asked, her voice twitching.  
  
  
The doctor took a slice of cheese.  
  
  
“I’m sorry but I have bad news. We couldn’t stop the bleeding. She died on the table.”  
  
  
The walls began getting fuzzy like a static TV channel was being projected on them on and off.  
  
  
“W-What?”  
  
  
The doctor rolled the cheese and spoke through it like a voice amplifier.  
  
  
“She’s dead. She died on the table, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow felt like she was standing on a spinning top trying to stay on as the doctor’s voice became an echo around her.  
  
  
“She’s dead, Willow. She died. She’s dead. She died, Willow. She’s dead, Willow. Willow, can you hear me?”  
  
  
The red light at the end of the tunnel became brighter as its source became apparent and blood started to flood the space. Tara’s scream reverberated around the tunnel and made the blood pulse.  
  
  
Willow and the doctor got swept up but that didn’t stop his voice from taunting her.  
  
  
“She’s dead, Willow. Willow. Willow—”  
  
  
“Willow!”  
  
  
Willow up with a huge gasp and realized there were hands on her shoulders gently shaking her.  
  
  
“Willow,” the voice was called again, but gentler this time.  
  
  
Willow looked all around and then finally up.  
  
  
“Dr. Wells,” she said, standing up and using the wall for support, “What—What’s happening?”  
  
  
“I don’t know, I just got here,” Dr. Wells replied with a quiet urgency in her voice, “I saw you on my way to find the medical team. What happened?”  
  
  
Willow’s head flew to her hands as she realized only the slumber-induced dream had been fake and the rest of the nightmare was real.  
  
  
“T-They took her, they took her to surgery. They said she was hem-hemorrhaging.”  
  
  
“Did they deliver the babies?” Dr. Wells asked, keeping Willow’s gaze.  
  
  
Willow’s whole head rolled into a nod.  
  
  
“Yeah. Yes,” she said definitively before her lower lip started to tremble, “Oh god, where are the babies?! How could I just, just fall asleep?! I don’t even remember sitting down! Where are my babies?! Where’s my wife?!”  
  
  
Dr. Wells took Willow’s shoulder in her hand and brought them in line with each other to walk ahead.  
  
  
“We need to go find out.”  
  
  
She took Willow across the unit to the station where a lot more staff than earlier had congregated, exhausted.  
  
  
Everyone looked at Willow with sympathy as they approached. It made Willow’s heart sink.  
  
  
Dr. Wells went over to converse and Willow watched, eyes darting from side-to-side as she tried to understand the medical jargon they were passing back and forth.  
  
  
Minutes, it felt like to her, ticked by as her heart got lower and lower wondering if three of the most important people in her life were even alive or dead.  
  
  
“Can somebody please tell me what’s going on?!”  
  
  
Nobody seemed annoyed by her outburst and continued to offer her looked of sympathy. Dr. Wells stepped back to her quickly.  
  
  
“Tara is out of surgery. She is alive and stabilized.”  
  
  
Willow fell against the nurses’ station and dropped her head on it, folding her hands behind her head as her breath heaved in relief.  
  
  
“They had to perform a hysterectomy but they stopped the bleeding.”  
  
  
Willow’s whole body jumped up like she’d been pushed by a spring.  
  
  
“They took her womb?” she said breathlessly, clutching her head again, “Oh god!”  
  
  
Dr. Wells squared up to Willow and held onto her shoulders again.  
  
  
“Willow, I need you to take a long breath,” she said, doing it with her until she felt Willow’s shoulders drop, “They’ve left her ovaries which means she won’t go into early menopause. The surgeons did what was required to save her life and they did, Willow. Do you hear me? They saved her life.”  
  
  
Willow swallowed deeply but it did nothing to dissipate the lump that had formed there.  
  
  
“Where is she?”  
  
  
“She’s in recovery. You won’t be able to see her for a while,” Dr. Wells replied apologetically.  
  
  
Willow nodded soberly, though it was far from what she was feeling.  
  
  
“A-and our babies?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells put a hand on Willow’s back.  
  
  
“In the NICU, the neonatal intensive care unit. I can take you there now.”  
  
  
Willow took in a sharp breath.  
  
  
“They’re alive?”  
  
  
“They’re alive but I don’t know any more than that,” Dr. Wells replied swiftly, “Let’s get up there.”  
  
  
Willow nodded quickly and let herself be pushed in the right direction.  
  
  
Before they turned the corner, she turned back to the other doctor whom Dr. Wells had been speaking to.  
  
  
“T-Thank you for saving my wife.”  
  
  
“Just one of a team, ma’am,” the doctor replied with a courteous nod.  
  
  
Willow nodded back and then hurried to catch up with Dr. Wells at the elevators but they still took too long for her.  
  
  
“Are there stairs?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells opened her mouth, then closed it again.  
  
  
“Yes, of course.”  
  
  
She led them through a swinging door to the staircases and brought them up two floors. A little more corridor weaving brought them to the front of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, which they had to be buzzed into before they could enter.  
  
  
A short but busy and important looking nurse met them on the other side.  
  
  
“Twins?” she asked and continued barely a split second after being given a nod for an answer, “We were told the mother was taken to surgery.”  
  
  
“She was,” Dr. Wells confirmed and held Willow out by the shoulders, “Other mother is here.”  
  
  
The nurse gave one short nod.  
  
  
“Of course,” she said and looked at Willow with emphatic eyes, “I’ll bring you to your children. I’m Genevieve, one of the nurses here. I’ll get you up to speed.”  
  
  
“H-Hi Genevieve,” Willow managed weakly, “Thank you.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells started firing questions at Genevieve but Willow didn’t even try to listen because she was suddenly confronted with a clear-glass view into the unit and all of the babies who were lying in there.  
  
  
Her babies — Tara’s babies — were lying in there. And she couldn’t even tell if she could see them or not.  
  
  
She realized after a moment that the forward momentum had stopped and they were stopped at a giant sink, the kind she saw on TV when watching those medical dramas she felt like she was in earlier and the fake doctors were scrubbing up before surgery.  
  
  
But there was nothing fake about this.  
  
  
“You have to gown up and wash your hands,” Genevieve advised kindly, “To protect against infection.”  
  
  
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Willow nodded quickly, her head still craning to see more behind the glass, “Of course.”  
  
  
Thankfully the instructions were on the wall and she had a nurse and a doctor flanking her either side so she got through the protocol quickly. It only felt slightly more surreal than the rest of this day had been.  
  
  
She was brought into the unit and immediately felt the difference from outside.  
  
  
It was very warm and eerily silent but for the beeping monitors, flashing lights and other mystifying pieces of equipment.  
  
  
And the babies.  
  
  
So, so tiny.  
  
  
Her eyes immediately began scanning but she couldn’t tell one tiny mass of tubes from the next. Genevieve nudged her with an elbow and brought her to the row of incubators right in front of the window.  
  
  
Willow realized she’d been looking right in on them.  
  
  
How could she not know her own babies?  
  
  
“These ones?” she clarified quietly, still feeling utterly lost in this new maze.  
  
  
Genevieve stood between two in particular.  
  
  
“As you can see, both have feeding tubes and we’ve placed Baby B on a ventilator to help her breath.”  
  
  
“E-Emily,” Willow breathed out, finally feeling some clarity as she could put the name to the little face, “Oh my god, Emily.”  
  
  
“Emily?” Genevieve noted with a nod, “And what’s her sister’s name?”  
  
  
Willow had to tear her eyes away from one incubator to another.  
  
  
“Lily.”  
  
  
“Lily,” Genevieve offered a kind smile, “We’ll get them nameplates. Some families like to make their own. You don’t have to figure that out now.”  
  
  
“T-thank you,” Willow replied, thinking she hadn’t heard so much stuttering since her early relationship with Tara, “What um…what weight are they?”  
  
  
“Lily,” Genevieve said pointedly toward the incubator on the left, “Is 3 pounds two ounces and Emily is 2 pounds 8 ounces.”  
  
  
Willow winced; it seemed so small. She’d held cantaloupes bigger than that.  
  
  
“How bad is that?”  
  
  
Genevieve looked to Dr. Wells, who nodded her deference to the nurse’s expertise.  
  
  
“Lily is actually right around average for this gestation. Emily is a little lower. But that’s normal with twins.”  
  
  
Willow wished she could keep one eye on each but eventually she had to just look at one. Tiny, little Emily wearing a diaper that looked almost as big as she did and had so many tubes stemming from her tiny, little body.  
  
  
A sound something like an old school beeper went off, lost in the array of other similar sounds and Willow didn’t even notice Dr. Wells step out.  
  
  
Willow approached and peered over the incubator. She realized for the first time that her baby had red hair. Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes moved over to Lily to see if she was any different, which of course she wasn’t. They looked so different Willow had forgotten that they were identical.  
  
  
Lily didn’t have that giant ventilator tube stuck to her mouth and was visibly bigger, more like what she would expect a newborn to look like just shrunken a little. She didn’t have the same shriveled look Emily had on her exposed skin and she was moving about more too.  
  
  
“C-Can I touch her?” Willow asked, her attention hyper-focused now on the little wiggles of Lily’s body, “Them, can I touch them?”  
  
  
“You can put your hand in,” Genevieve advised and brought Willow to stand between the incubators, so even if her eyes couldn’t be two places at once, her hands could.  
  
  
Willow looked at the nurse with so much gratitude for solving her problem and tried not to let her hands shake as one reached through the small slot on either incubator that allowed her hand in.  
  
  
She touched each babies’ arm at the same time and her eyes closed as she felt their skin was soft and warm and _alive_.  
  
  
She opened them again quickly in case she got so lost in touching she hit against something she shouldn’t.  
  
  
“What problems are they facing?”  
  
  
“Oxygen levels and warmth are being controlled and we have multiple precautions against infection,” Genevieve explained to her calmly, “If there’s no trouble feeding Lily should catch up quickly and then it’s just about getting her to size. If your wife can express then they can receive her breast milk. And we’ll give Emily every chance to breathe on her own as soon as she’s ready.”  
  
  
Willow knew she wasn’t being told every detail and it was because she wouldn’t be able to take in every detail. She appreciated being talked down to at that moment.  
  
  
“Will they survive?” she asked simply and felt her body begin to quake at the prospect of the answer.  
  
  
“Their prognosis is extremely positive,” Genevieve replied emphatically, “The smallest baby we’ve had in there was less than one pound at birth. He’s now eight years old and a big sports fan. Your little ones are in the best place.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded once and sniffled.  
  
  
“Sounds like my little boy. T-the sports part.”  
  
  
“They have a big brother,” Genevieve smiled kindly.  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“And a big sister.”  
  
  
“Ages?” Genevieve asked.  
  
  
“Eight and two,” Willow replied and started to frown.  
  
  
She had no idea what time it was or where her kids were.  
  
  
_My other kids._  
  
  
She swallowed deeply.  
  
  
Genevieve nodded.  
  
  
“We have sibling support staff who can help you help them understand what’s happening with their new baby sisters.”  
  
  
“Thanks,” Willow replied sincerely, “Think I need to get my own head around it first.”  
  
  
Genevieve nodded understandingly.  
  
  
“I’ll give you some time.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded while her eyes kept darting back and forth.  
  
  
She became fixated on that tube taped to Emily’s mouth and thoughts of how uncomfortable her daughter’s first hours had been. Tears pricked at her eyes but she couldn’t cry because that would mean letting go to wipe away the tears.  
  
  
The tears helped though as it skewered her vision enough that her eyes dropped that tiny bit to see Emily’s chest rising and falling. Breathing.  
  
  
“Good girl,” she whispered and ran her thumb down Emily’s arm, subconsciously doing the same to Lily.  
  
  
As her finger brushed Lily’s palm, those teeny tiny fingers no bigger than a matchstick curled around and held on as tight as they could.  
  
  
Willow gasped and her head swiveled to Lily’s incubator. She watched the little fingers flex and release but keep hold of Willow.  
  
  
Willow couldn’t see either of their eyes as they were covered for protection but at that moment Willow knew her presence was known and didn’t care anymore; she let the tears flow freely.  
  
  
She wasn’t sure how long passed but she didn’t move but for careful little strokes against her new babies’ translucent skin.  
  
  
She was so absorbed in the same minimal movement that she almost jumped out of her skin when a hand touched her shoulder.  
  
  
Genevieve held her hands up apologetically.  
  
  
“I think you’re needed.”  
  
  
Willow looked over her shoulder and saw Dr. Wells was waiting outside the window with an urgent look on her face. Willow nodded quickly and reluctantly withdrew her hands, only feeling the cramp when her arms returned by her side.  
  
  
She followed Genevieve back out of the unit and realized she was the only parent in the room, so it must be late, maybe the middle of the night. She took the gown off on the other side and approached Dr. Wells with a furrowed brow anticipating the update.  
  
  
“Tara woke up,” Dr. Wells started without preamble, “But they had to put her back to sleep.”  
  
  
Willow clutched her chest.  
  
  
“W-What? Why? I-Is something wrong?”  
  
  
“She was very confused,” Dr. Wells elaborated.  
  
  
“Of course she was!” Willow replied loudly, her voice carrying through the silent corridor.  
  
  
Dr. Wells brought Willow to the furthest corner to speak.  
  
  
“She was reacting violently.”  
  
  
Willow did a double-take.  
  
  
“What? No, she—Tara would never be violent toward someone, ever. She gets mad at me if I raise my voice at the kids!”  
  
  
“She wasn’t violent toward anyone,” Dr. Wells replied quickly, using her hands to gesticulate a calm motion, “But she was thrashing and confused and risking severe damage or for a bleed to open again. Restraints would not have worked because of the area that’s at risk could still have been damaged if she resisted. They had no choice.”  
  
  
Willow’s fists balled and released and she huffed out a long breath.  
  
  
“Don’t let them wake her again without me!”  
  
  
Dr. Wells continued the motion and calmed her voice to a low tone.  
  
  
“You should go home and get a few hours of sleep. She’ll be out until mid-morning at least,” she advised softly, “You’re no good to anyone without some sleep.”  
  
  
Willow cast her eye toward the window where she now knew exactly where her little girls lay. Dr. Wells didn’t have to follow the look to know where it was directed.  
  
  
“I have to stay in the hospital anyway. I’ll keep an eye on them.”  
  
  
Willow looked back to Dr. Wells vulnerably.  
  
  
“And—”  
  
  
“I will call you immediately if anything happens, yes,” Dr. Wells nodded.  
  
  
Willow bit the inside of her lip.  
  
  
“Even—”  
  
  
“If it seems small,” Dr. Wells pre-empted the question, “Yes. I promise.”  
  
  
Willow seemed torn but that cramp in her arms had extended throughout her body and she was barely standing.  
  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
“I’ll walk you down,” Dr. Wells offered and together they walked down to the exit.  
  
  
The rest of the hospital was so noisy to Willow after the past while spent in the NICU so she was grateful to get back to the solitude of her car.  
  
  
She drove on autopilot though honestly, she was in no fit state to be driving at all, but driving a familiar route was a welcome distraction. She found herself passing the exit for her own house and driving the next couple of blocks to pull up on the curb outside her father’s house.  
  
  
She turned the car off and after being subjected to more dreary silence, she felt her emotions welling up freshly all over again.  
  
  
She put her head on the top of the steering wheel and cried and cried and cried.


	21. Chapter 21

* * *

_**Chapter Sixteen** _  


* * *

Amid a heaving sob, Willow was startled by a loud knock on the car window.  
  
  
She jumped in fright and hit her head on the roof. She looked out the window and noticed her father crouching down looking concerned, with faint marks of face paint on his neck where he’d undoubtedly let the children attack him earlier.  
  
  
“Willow,” Ira called through, waving his hand back and forth as if Willow needed any further indication of what he wanted.  
  
  
Willow had to swallow several times, then swiped at her eyes as she removed the key from the ignition and started to open the door.  
  
  
She overestimated how steady she would be on her feet and Ira had to catch her by both arms. It was starting to drizzle and droplets of water hit Ira’s bare hands.  
  
  
“Willow, darling, what’s happened? We’ve been calling you all night.”  
  
  
Willow looked up at her father helplessly.  
  
  
“Tara, she…” her voice caught, “She’s alive but they…”  
  
  
Willow felt a droplet hit her square on the forehead and she couldn’t help but imagine it as blood, Tara’s blood. She let out a low cry and Ira put an arm around her shoulders with a fretful face.  
  
  
“Come inside.”  
  
  
He brought Willow inside and into the warm living room, where Michelle stood up from the couch, dressed in her robe.  
  
  
Willow still had no idea what time it was. She looked at her father too and realized he was in his silk pajamas and that she’d probably gotten them up out of bed.  
  
  
“Willow,” Michelle said on an exhale of relief, “What’s going on?”  
  
  
Willow sank into a chair.  
  
  
“Are the kids okay?”  
  
  
Ira shared a concerned glance with Michelle.  
  
  
“They went trick-or-treating with their little cousin-friends.”  
  
  
“I didn’t get to be Leia,” Willow replied and she had no idea why she’d said it. She couldn’t care one bit, “Did Xan and Jess still go as Luke and Han?”  
  
  
Ira’s brow furrowed. He didn’t know why Willow was asking that either.  
  
  
“I believe they went as a spaceman and his bear-dog,” he replied helpfully, “We gave the children dinner when they returned though they filled up on candy.”  
  
  
“That’s okay,” Willow replied with an absent nod of her head, “It’s Halloween…isn’t it?”  
  
  
Ira frowned.  
  
  
“Willow—”  
  
  
“Tara had the babies,” Willow said, as casually as if she was announcing she’d collected the mail, though it stemmed from her sense of surrealness of the day’s events.  
  
  
Michelle’s hand clutched her heart and Ira took hold of her shoulders for support.  
  
  
“Oh my god. Are they okay?”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes began blinking away the faraway look in them.  
  
  
“They’re so little,” she said, her face contorting into a cry, “Little Emily has this big tube down her throat, it’s bigger than she is!”  
  
  
Both hands cupped her mouth and chin and her head dropped into her knees.  
  
  
“And Tara?” Michelle asked in a rushed breath.  
  
  
“It was bad, it was so bad,” Willow replied, tears freely flowing down her cheeks again, “Her blood was everywhere.”  
  
  
Michelle’s head shot toward Ira with wide eyes.  
  
  
“Ira,” she said, terror in her voice.  
  
  
“She said Tara’s alive,” Ira interjected in an equally urgent tone, “Tara’s alive, isn’t she Willow?”  
  
  
Willow ran her hands down her cheeks to wipe the tears.  
  
  
“She’s alive,” she breathed out finally and Michelle looked so relieved she almost fainted, “But they took her womb.”  
  
  
“She can live fine without a womb, darling. Women get it removed all of the time,” Ira replied, not exactly helpful, but trying to be, “The children, the babies. Will they be okay?”  
  
  
Willow looked over helplessly.  
  
  
“They say their chances are good. I don’t know any more than that. I have to go back in the morning before Tara wakes up and I-I guess I’ll talk to a doctor then.”  
  
  
Ira nodded soundly, trying to feel more in control of the situation.  
  
  
“Well, the other children will stay with us, of course, for as long as you need.”  
  
  
“Yes, Willow, don’t you worry about anything like that,” Michelle added in a shaken but genuine voice.  
  
  
“Thank you,” Willow replied, slapping her palms together, “I just feel so lost. And empty.”  
  
  
“Will I get you something to eat?” Michelle offered.  
  
  
“No,” Willow shook her head quickly. She knew she would throw anything up immediately, “Thank you, but I really couldn’t.”  
  
  
“Then you need some sleep,” Michelle replied, glancing at Ira and nodding, “The guest rooms are all made up. The children are in their own rooms.”  
  
  
Willow was suddenly very much aware of the weight of her body.  
  
  
“Yeah, okay. I’ll sleep.”  
  
  
She stood on shaky legs but they stayed under her.  
  
  
“Thank you for taking the kids.”  
  
  
“You don’t have to thank us for that,” Michelle shook her head.  
  
  
Willow looked up, her eyes cloudy under the light.  
  
  
“I don’t know what’s going to happen. I-I don’t know how long…”  
  
  
“Whatever happens you have our full support,” Michelle promised.  
  
  
“Anything you need,” Ira added.  
  
  
Willow sniffled and offered a weak smile.  
  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
  
Michelle just rushed over and gathered her in a hug, which Ira quickly completed from the other side.  
  
  
“Everything will be okay, bubbeleh.”  
  
  
Hearing those words from her father helped Willow. She snuggled into his chest and Michelle stepped away to allow them a moment.  
  
  
Ira kissed the top of Willow’s head and let her cling for as long as she needed.  
  
  
When she was ready, she pulled away and swiped at her eyes one last time and retreated for the stairs with a final thank you.  
  
  
Upstairs, she immediately turned off to the left and carefully turned the handle to peer in on JJ. He was sound asleep, with Woofy at his feet.  
  
  
Willow felt guilty; she hadn’t even remembered to make sure he was taken care of.  
  
  
Woofy looked up at the sound and looked at Willow for one soul-gazing second before settling his head back on his front paws, one of which rested over JJ's leg. Willow got the message; ‘I’ve got this’ and she felt some weight lifted knowing that the little guy was looking out for her little guy.  
  
  
She closed the door again and went to the next room. Robyn was half-hanging out of her bed with her hair practically touching the floor.  
  
  
Willow could only smile. She walked into the room and lifted Robyn back into bed properly. She tucked her in, smoothed the sheets and kissed her daughter’s head.  
  
  
“Good dreams, sweet bean.”  
  
  
Robyn turned her head toward Willow and sighed softly but stayed asleep.  
  
  
Willow noticed that Stripey had fallen to the floor as Willow had readjusted Robyn, so she tucked the toy in with her daughter and smiled when she saw Robyn’s legs kick happily under the blanket.  
  
  
With a heavy heart weighing a little less, she stood up and left Robyn sleeping under the glow of her nightlight.  
  
  
This was something she truly appreciated Ira and Michelle for; their house was a second home for the kids with bedrooms kitted out exactly as they wanted. It was going to make…whatever happened next somewhat easier.  
  
  
She could hear Ira and Michelle still talking in hushed tones downstairs but it was okay, she knew where the guest room was. She had nothing but the clothes on her back but Michelle had the en suite bathroom all kitted out with a spare toothbrush and other essentials and also had a robe hanging on the back of the door that she could sleep in.  
  
  
As soon as she saw the bed, it took every bit of strength in her body to actually use that toothbrush and change out of her clothes.  
  
  
When she finally got into bed, it wasn’t as inviting as she thought it had been.  
  
  
It so obviously lacked Tara.  
  
  
Thankfully, her body overruled her mind on this one and her exhaustion overcame her in seconds.  
  


* * *

  
Willow awoke and though she’d only had a few hours sleep, she somehow felt rested.  
  
  
Maybe because her subconscious had given her a break and she hadn’t been plagued with nightmares.  
  
  
Still, something had woken her and it only took her a second for her eyes to focus in on a mop of strawberry-blonde hair and two big, turquoise eyes staring up at her from the floor.  
  
  
“Mom-mah?”  
  
  
Her blankie trailed behind her as she rubbed a fist into a sleepy eye. Willow smiled at her cuteness and reached down to pick her up.  
  
  
“C’mup here, little bean.”  
  
  
She brought Robyn to her side and settled back down with her.  
  
  
“Did you have a nice Halloween?”  
  
  
Robyn grinned mischievously.  
  
  
“I eeeat allllll dah can-dee Mom-mah. Buh I save gummy worm!”  
  
  
“Thank you, sweetie,” Willow chuckled, “Did you have fun with your cousins?”  
  
  
“Yah,” Robyn nodded affirmatively, then cocked her head, “Mom-mah where Mom-mee?”  
  
  
Willow took in a deep breath but before she could figure out how to answer that, there was a little creak from the door opening. Willow looked over and couldn’t see anyone for a second. Then he jumped on the bed.  
  
  
“Woofy,” Robyn said happily and crawled away to pet him.  
  
  
JJ hovered in the doorway, poking his head in just enough to be noticed. Willow motioned him inside.  
  
  
“Come in buddy. Is Woofy supposed to be on the beds?”  
  
  
JJ looked guilty.  
  
  
“Ummm…”  
  
  
Willow just cracked a small smile.  
  
  
“I won’t tell if you won’t.”  
  
  
JJ smiled and obliged when Willow lifted her arm for him to sit into. Willow dragged Robyn back and kept them both in a close embrace.  
  
  
“Hey, listen. I have to talk to you guys about something. It’s important, so you have to listen, okay?”  
  
  
With two attentive faces looking back at her, Willow decided to be plain.  
  
  
“Yesterday, Mommy gave birth to Lily and Emily.”  
  
  
Robyn didn’t seem to take it in, but JJ frowned.  
  
  
“But I thought they weren’t being born until next year?”  
  
  
Willow nodded solemnly.  
  
  
“They weren’t supposed to be. But remember we talked about how they might come early because they’re twins and there’s just not enough room?” she asked and JJ nodded back, “Well, they did. Just even earlier than we ever thought.”  
  
  
JJ was taking it in but Robyn was just smiling the same way she had been all along.  
  
  
“Do you understand bean?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded surely.  
  
  
“Lim-lee ‘n’ Em-lee get borned!”  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrows rose in surprise.  
  
  
“Yes, sweetheart, that’s right.”  
  
  
“Where?” Robyn inquired excitedly.  
  
  
“They’re in the hospital, sweetie,” Willow answered.  
  
  
“Come home now?” Robyn asked hopefully.  
  
  
Willow’s heart broke at her earnestness.  
  
  
“Well, that’s what I have to talk to you guys about,” she said, closing her hold around them again, “Because they were born so soon, they’re still really little. So they’re going to have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks in a special little box that helps them grow.”  
  
  
“An incubator?” JJ asked.  
  
  
Willow nodded at him.  
  
  
“That’s right, bud. Do you know about them?”  
  
  
JJ slowly shook his head noncommittally.  
  
  
“I’ve seen them on TV.”  
  
  
“Wha’ bator?” Robyn asked, suddenly scared, “Like agg-ator?”  
  
  
“No, sweetie, no,” Willow reassured quickly when she saw that little face scrunching up in fear.  
  
  
JJ looked across the bed.  
  
  
“You know when we build a house with Legos for your dolly, Robbie? They built special little houses for the babies.”  
  
  
“Fur bubbies?” Robyn asked slowly, working it out.  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“Yes, baby, for the bubbies.”  
  
  
Robyn seemed to be considering it. JJ tugged gently on the sleeve of Willow’s robe.  
  
  
“Momma, where’s Mom?”  
  
  
Willow kept rubbing Robyn’s back but gave JJ her full attention.  
  
  
“Mom is still in the hospital.”  
  
  
JJ visibly swallowed. Willow knew the feeling.  
  
  
“When is she coming home?”  
  
  
“I don’t know,” Willow answered honestly, “I’ll know more later today, hopefully. But listen, things are going to be topsy-turvy for a while.”  
  
  
Robyn suddenly giggled and tried to somersault the bed.  
  
  
“‘oppy-urvey!”  
  
  
Woofy only just managed to avoid being rolled over and Willow plucked Robyn back up by her side.  
  
  
“Listen, listen, listen,” she requested, “While Mom is in hospital you’re going to stay with your grandparents. You have to listen to them and be good for them because this is hard for everybody.”  
  
  
Robyn frowned again.  
  
  
“No Mom-mah?”  
  
  
“I promise I’ll see you every day,” Willow replied, quickly looking between both, “I don’t know what times but I will see you both.”  
  
  
Robyn’s lower lip started to jut out.  
  
  
“No Mom-mee?”  
  
  
“Not for a little bit, bean. I don’t know how long,” Willow replied with an ache in her heart for them all, “Hopefully she’ll be allowed visitors soon.”  
  
  
Robyn burst into tears and Willow pulled her up to hold against her chest.  
  
  
“I know, sweetheart. It’s not fair. We can video chat with Mommy okay?”  
  
  
Robyn kept crying but Willow couldn’t blame her so just rubbed her back and let her let it out.  
  
  
“Can we see the babies?” JJ asked pensively after a moment.  
  
  
“Not right away,” Willow shook her head, “You can’t see it but our bodies have all of these little germs on them even when we seem healthy or clean. And if the babies got those germs, it could make them really, really sick. When they’re bigger and stronger, you can see them.”  
  
  
Robyn settled again quickly when JJ pulled some silly faces with her.  
  
  
Willow looked at him gratefully and let Robyn crawl away again.  
  
  
“Do you have any questions?”  
  
  
Robyn looked up with serious, wide eyes.  
  
  
“I have chu-ee-oos?” she asked sincerely.  
  
  
Willow just smiled.  
  
  
“Yeah, I’ll get you some Cheerios,” she promised and looked to JJ, “Do you have any questions?”  
  
  
“Are the babies going to die?” JJ blurted and swallowed again, “Aaron in my class had a baby brother who was born too soon and died.”  
  
  
Willow had to pause. This was the closest she’d come to following Robyn into a tantrum.  
  
  
“They have to fight,” she said finally, “And we have to fight for them too.”  
  
  
“How?” JJ asked, frowning.  
  
  
Willow nodded toward Robyn.  
  
  
“Take care of Robbie. Help your grandparents. And always come to us if you’re feeling sad or worried or just want a hug. Promise?”  
  
  
JJ nodded diligently.  
  
  
“I promise, Momma,” he said and jumped up, “I’ll go get Robbie some Cheerios right now!”  
  
  
Willow felt her heart swell.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she said sincerely, “You’re a good boy and I’m so glad you picked me to be your Momma.”  
  
  
JJ blushed and didn’t say anything but Willow saw the smile as he ushered Robyn downstairs with Woofy by their feet.  
  
  
Willow lay back on the pillows and enjoyed precious seconds of letting her mind go blank before she spotted the time and jumped up to get ready.  
  
  
She hurried downstairs and into her father standing in the kitchen with a mug of coffee which he thrust at her. Willow gratefully downed it all in one go.  
  
  
“Dad, I gotta get to the hospital before Tara wakes up. She can’t wake up alone.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Ira nodded, an air of (probably forced) calm around him, “Everything is under control. We’ll take Jacob to his basketball practice later and I believe young Robyn has toddler swim, so Michelle reliably informs me. I’ll save the pool the embarrassment of seeing me in swimwear and let her take her.”  
  
  
Willow cracked a smile and Ira offered a small one back.  
  
  
“Tara shares some kind of an online calendar, Michelle says? In case of emergencies. So everything will be as normal for them, don’t you worry about that.”  
  
  
Willow held her head for a moment.  
  
  
“I don’t even know what day it is,” she admitted. Had this all only started yesterday? She looked at her father gratefully, “Thank you.”  
  
  
Ira nodded again.  
  
  
“Keep in touch, when you can.”  
  
  
“I will,” Willow promised then ducked out to walk into the living room, “Kids, come give me a hug.”  
  
  
They bounded over to her, still in their pajamas, and into her arms. Willow kissed them both on the head.  
  
  
“I’m going to try and get home for bedtime, okay?”  
  
  
JJ thrust a handmade card at Willow.  
  
  
“We made this for Mom.”  
  
  
“An’ bubbies!” Robyn added importantly.  
  
  
Willow stroked both of her children’s soft hair.  
  
  
“I love you both so much. Mommy and the babies will love this.”  
  
  
She kissed them each again and quickly made her way to the door before they saw her tears.  
  
  
She didn’t waste any time pulling away from the curb and drove the few blocks to their house. She changed her clothes and packed a bag with things for Tara. She stood helplessly over the empty bag for a moment before snapping to it. She knew Tara’s favorite clothes; she had to get herself together.  
  
  
She found Tara’s yoga pants and her soft, purple dress and the blue sweater that was older than their relationship. She packed Tara’s creams and moisturizers, the toothpaste that she liked and her soft washcloth.  
  
  
As she was looking through the nightstand for any books or other entertainment Tara might want, she found the two little bear hats that Mrs. Potts had knitted before she passed away.  
  
  
She held them in her hand for a moment, then secured them into the bag.  
  
  
When she was ready she hauled it back down to her car, threw it in the backseat and drove straight to the hospital.  
  
  
It looked much as it did the night before, all white walls and sterile smell. She had to check which unit Tara was in and waited not-so-patiently to be told; ignoring the woman shouting after her that visiting hours hadn’t started yet.  
  
  
Visiting hours be damned.  
  
  
She finally found Tara’s room and her breath caught when she saw her wife lying there. She was pale and looked tiny due to not being pregnant anymore but her chest was rising and falling and that was an utter relief for Willow to see.  
  
  
She left the bag on the floor under the bed and pulled up the chair to sit by her love.  
  
  
She took Tara’s hand in hers, closed her eyes and just breathed.  
  
  
“She slept all night.”  
  
  
Willow felt her eyes open so heavily, she wasn’t sure if she’d actually fallen asleep or not.  
  
  
She blinked several times, then looked over her shoulder and saw Dr. Wells leaning against the doorframe.  
  
  
“I kept an eye on her as I promised.”  
  
  
Willow started to stand but the doctor waved a hand telling her not to as she stepped inside.  
  
  
“Thank you so much,” Willow said as she retook her seat, “She looks so peaceful.”  
  
  
“Her vitals have stayed steady,” Dr. Wells replied and came over to the end of the bed to pick up the chart, “Did you sleep?”  
  
  
Willow nodded. Dr. Wells arched an eyebrow.  
  
  
“Did you eat?”  
  
  
Willow just shook her head and Dr. Wells reached into her pocket and tossed the contents across the bed to Willow.  
  
  
“I always carry one around on hospital shifts.”  
  
  
Willow turned the protein bar over in her hand and her stomach rumbled gratefully.  
  
  
“Don’t you need it?”  
  
  
Dr. Wells shook her head.  
  
  
“I’m just about to head home for some sleep myself,” she said, only her eyes betraying her tiredness, “I consulted with the NICU attending and I am very positive about your girls’ prognosis. But it’s going to be a long road.”  
  
  
“I know,” Willow nodded softly, “I know I’m going to have to think about work and stuff but I don’t have to do it right this second, so…”  
  
  
Dr. Wells pointed a finger upward.  
  
  
“You should go up to the NICU so you can talk to the doctor during her rounds.”  
  
  
Willow glanced upward uneasily. Dr. Wells guessed why.  
  
  
“I’ll ask them to call up when Tara is starting to wake.”  
  
  
Willow let out a breath.  
  
  
“Yeah, okay. You’re right, I should go up there. Thank you, Julia, for everything. I think I would have ended up in a hospital bed too last night if you weren’t here.”  
  
  
Dr. Wells reached out and squeezed Willow’s upper arm.  
  
  
“The staff in the NICU here are the best in the city. Your girls are in the best hands.”  
  
  
Willow swallowed and nodded again. She said a quick goodbye and got herself together to head back up to the NICU. She pressed the buzzer to get into the unit and gave her name. The door opened and the same kind nurse from the night before was there to greet her.  
  
  
“I’m glad to see you again before my shift ends.”  
  
  
Willow’s heart jumped into her throat.  
  
  
“Are they okay?”  
  
  
“They’re both still stable,” Genevieve reassured, “If we hurry you’ll be able to speak to the doctors.”  
  
  
They quickly walked together toward the sink and Willow reached into her pocket.  
  
  
“Um. I-I brought their little hats. Our late neighbor knitted them. I don’t know if they can…”  
  
  
Genevieve took them and turned them over in her hand, then smiled.  
  
  
“She used the perfect material. We’ll make sure they’re properly laundered so they can wear them.”  
  
  
She placed them behind the desk with a note while Willow ‘scrubbed in’ and was allowed into the NICU. A doctor, with a bunch of younger doctors standing around her, was right where Willow remembered being the night before. She rushed up to them.  
  
  
“Are you the mother?” the oldest doctor asked quickly.  
  
  
“One of them,” Willow nodded quickly.  
  
  
The doctor started calling a lot of medical jargon back to her interns and asked questions. Her attention swiveled back to Willow so quickly, Willow didn’t even realize and had to catch up.  
  
  
“This twin has what we call bradycardia — a slow heart rate. We’re treating with medication and monitoring. I’m pleased with her weight and she’s accepting fluids nasogastrically without issue.”  
  
  
Willow tried to follow the doctor’s hands and determined she was talking about Lily.  
  
  
More back and forth followed but Willow was attentive this time and noted the moment she started talking about Emily.  
  
  
“This twin has presented with some breathing problems which we’re currently treating by a ventilator to aid her breathing. Her weight is quite low and she has shown signs of hypoglycemia. Mother had gestational diabetes, correct?”  
  
  
Willow nodded dutifully as she used to in school.  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
The older doctor nodded once, though not unkindly.  
  
  
“We will continue to monitor her. Can I answer any questions?”  
  
  
Willow looked down at Emily. She looked even frailer in the light of day.  
  
  
“When do you think she’ll come off the ventilator?”  
  
  
“We’ll have to evaluate at a later date,” the doctor advised.  
  
  
Willow looked back up.  
  
  
“How long will they be here?”  
  
  
“Impossible to say for sure,” the doctor replied emphatically, “We work on a day-by-day basis here.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded and started to look back between the babies. The doctors’ moved on and Willow was happy to take up their space so she could stand between them and put her hands into the incubators.  
  
  
“Hi Lily, Hi Emily,” she said softly, “It’s Momma again.”  
  
  
She rubbed her thumb over little hands.  
  
  
“It’s just me here today but you don’t just have me. You have a really great family, y’know? You have a brother and a sister,” she paused, “And your Mommy is just…she’s the best. You’ve been living in her so I’m sure you already knew that.”  
  
  
A new nurse approached and confirmed Willow’s name with him.  
  
  
“We just got a call from downstairs. Your wife is waking up.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes widened.  
  
  
“I gotta go to your Mommy! I’ll be back babies, I promise!”  
  
  
“Take pictures.”  
  
  
Willow spun around at the sound of a new voice and noticed a woman sitting in a chair next to her, her hand in the incubator of the little boy one space over. Willow looked confused.  
  
  
“For their Mommy?” the woman clarified with a soft smile, “She’ll want them.”  
  
  
The light bulb went off over Willow’s head.  
  
  
“Pictures, right!” she said, quickly pulling her phone out, “Thank you.”  
  
  
The woman nodded and turned back to her son.  
  
  
Willow took several pictures and little videos of the babies’ movements and said goodbye to them once more before rushing out and back down to Tara’s room.  
  
  
Unfortunately, she heard Tara before she saw her.  
  
  
The screaming and sounds of metal clacking made Willow speed up so much she ended up skidding in there.  
  
  
Tara was thrashing in her bed, as wild as Willow had ever seen her. Two orderlies and a male doctor were trying to hold her down.  
  
  
“Get me 2.5ccs of droperidol,” the doctor shouted at a nurse.  
  
  
“No don’t sedate her again!” Willow said, announcing herself to the room.  
  
  
The doctor didn’t look at her.  
  
  
“Ma’am you need to leave!”  
  
  
“I need to stay because you’re sure as hell not getting her to calm down!” Willow retorted as she tried to shimmy her way between all of the men who were using their weight against her, “She had her babies ripped from her body, give her a freakin’ second!”  
  
  
“She’s a danger to herself,” the doctor barked but Willow ignored him.  
  
  
“Tara,” she said, placing her hand on Tara’s cheek, “Tara, look at me!”  
  
  
She turned Tara’s head toward her and locked eyes.  
  
  
“The babies are fine. The babies are fine!”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes flashed with recognition and her body stilled but for a tremble.  
  
  
“I have pictures!” Willow said, pulling her phone out, “Look I have pictures, see?”  
  
  
She was shaking too, but she managed to bring up the photos she had just taken.  
  
  
“See, this is—”  
  
  
“Lily,” Tara breathed out, still obviously sluggish.  
  
  
“Yeah, it’s Lily,” Willow said and her brow furrowed, “How did you know?”  
  
  
“Where’s Emily?” Tara asked instead and tried to pull herself up, just resulting in a groan of pain.  
  
  
“Keep still, baby,” Willow advised softly and shot daggers to the other three, who were beginning to back away.  
  
  
“Em. Il. Y,” Tara insisted breathlessly.  
  
  
Willow showed Tara a picture of Emily.  
  
  
Tara whimpered.  
  
  
Willow’s heart broke.  
  
  
“It looks worse than it is. They’re gonna take her off the ventilator really soon!”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes filled with tears and Willow hunched down to stroke her hair.  
  
  
“Calm now, baby. Everything will be okay.”  
  
  
Only the nurse stayed in the room to oversee them but both Willow and Tara acted like she wasn’t there. Tara tried to lift a floppy hand toward Willow.  
  
  
“I…need…to go…to them.”  
  
  
“Soon, baby, I’m sure,” Willow said gently, “But you had a big…you had an ordeal. The medication has to leave your body. You need to stay calm. Breathe. Breathe, okay? I’m right here. I’m right here.”  
  
  
Tara’s glassy eyes did their best to keep Willow’s as she fought the urge to act out on her confusion.  
  
  
Willow reached under the bed and got out the card JJ and Robyn had made.  
  
  
“Look what the kids made you.”  
  
  
Tara immediately looked concerned and Willow pre-empted the question. She smiled soothingly.  
  
  
“They’re okay. They’re with our parents. Everything is okay.”  
  
  
Tara’s still-trembling hand closed around the card. She couldn’t quite read it, so she just clutched it to her heart and closed her exhausted eyes again.  
  
  
Willow kept a hand on Tara’s arm and caressed her gently. She watched Tara’s body settle better into the bed and her breathing settle into something more regular.  
  
  
The next time Tara’s eyes open, they were clearer though still exhausted. She looked straight at Willow and Willow felt shocked at how deathly she looked.  
  
  
“Willow—” Tara croaked and Willow reached over to pour her a cup of water from the filter.  
  
  
She held the straw to Tara’s lips, where it was gratefully sipped until empty.  
  
  
Tongue able to move with regular agility once more, Tara tried again.  
  
  
“Willow, what happened?”  
  
  
Willow’s head dropped against her chest.  
  
  
She didn’t want to be the one to tell Tara this, but she also knew she was the only one who could or should.  
  
  
She looked up again and took Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“After you delivered, you passed out because you started to bleed inside. And it wouldn’t stop,” she stopped and swallowed, hoping what she was remembering wasn’t able to be read on her face, “So they had to bring you to surgery to get it to stop. But the only way to get it to stop…”  
  
  
Tara’s face started to tense up.  
  
  
“Willow, you’re scaring me.”  
  
  
“They had to take your womb,” Willow blurted and immediately regretted not easing into it more.  
  
  
Tara blinked rapidly, the fastest movement she’d had anywhere since calming down.  
  
  
“W-What?”  
  
  
Willow gulped.  
  
  
“You were bleeding so much, Tara, you were, you were…” her own eyes began to fill with tears, “You were dying. They had to.”  
  
  
Tara’s face was stony and yet the skin around her eyes twitched. Willow felt discomfort between Tara’s reaction and her own reaction that she couldn’t hold back. She tried to joke to ease the tension.  
  
  
“We weren’t going to have any more children anyway, right?” she said with a very forced smile, “I mean we already got a bonus baby.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes closed again and opened with hidden pain.  
  
  
“I want to see them.”  
  
  
Willow stood up quickly, grateful for the opportunity to escape for a moment.  
  
  
“Okay. Yeah, of course. I’ll check for you.”  
  
  
She was perturbed by Tara’s reaction; it unsettled her to see Tara act so out of sorts.  
  
  
She almost walked right past the nurses’ station, but remembered at the last second and doubled back.  
  
  
“Um, my wife. Tara Rosenberg-Maclay. She really wants to get up to the NICU. Can I get a wheelchair or something to bring her up?”  
  
  
The doctor who had been in the room earlier stood up behind the nurse that was about to speak.  
  
  
“Has she calmed down?”  
  
  
So many sarcastic comments ran through Willow’s mind. She resisted.  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
The doctor looked down at Willow.  
  
  
“If she gets violent again we will be forced to take action.”  
  
  
Willow’s fist balled on one side but she released it before it was seen.  
  
  
“My wife is not violent. She passed out in the middle of a traumatic birth and woke up without her babies. She was confused.”  
  
  
The nurse looked at her sympathetically.  
  
  
“I can be on hand to supervise, doctor.”  
  
  
Willow admired the woman’s ability to placate both of them and smiled at her.  
  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
  
“She’s not going anywhere anyway,” the doctor muttered.  
  
  
“What?” Willow asked, raising an eyebrow challengingly.  
  
  
The doctor looked too exhausted to argue. He’d hoped his superior would return from her break to have this conversation. Some days he seriously considered going back to the start and becoming a radiologist.  
  
  
“Your wife is a high risk for hemorrhaging again, particularly when she thrashes her body around like she was. She needs to stay as immobile as possible. Her infection risk is also high. She can’t leave that bed until we’re satisfied the main risk has passed. Total bed rest, she can’t even go to the bathroom.”  
  
  
Willow felt her head start to spin.  
  
  
“Are you telling me she can’t see her babies?” she asked, dumbfounded and the doctor had the good grace to look contrite, “For how long?”  
  
  
The doctor folded his arms on his chest.  
  
  
“Three days minimum.”  
  
  
It may as well have been three years. Tara was not going to react well to this.  
  
  
“Her babies are in the NICU,” she replied helplessly.  
  
  
“We’ve been informed they’re not at imminent risk of death,” the doctor replied matter-of-factly and even the nurse rolled her eyes.  
  
  
“Don’t you dare say anything like that in front of her!” Willow said angrily.  
  
  
The nurse stood to put space between the two, though she was only concerned at Willow lunging. The doctor she worked with might have an awful bedside manner but she could be confident he wasn’t about to get into fisticuffs in his workplace.  
  
  
“I will explain to her what’s happening,” she offered.  
  
  
“No, I will,” Willow pushed off the desk.  
  
  
She stopped at the water cooler to pour herself a little paper cup full so she could gather her thoughts.  
  
  
Unfortunately, there was no way to spin this. She was going to have to crush her wife for the second time in a matter of minutes.  
  
  
And worse, Tara was going to _be_ crushed for the second time in a matter of minutes. While she recovered from major surgery.  
  
  
Willow’s knees felt weak already.  
  
  
She crushed the cup in her hand and let it fall into the small trash can beside it. She squared her shoulders and nodded once before returning to Tara’s room. Tara tried to sit up but her body protested and just her head lifted instead.  
  
  
“Well?”  
  
  
Willow sidled up to Tara’s side and took her hand. She opened her mouth, but she couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t.  
  
  
“I think the attending is going to come by soon to go over everything that’s happened.”  
  
  
“So can we go to the babies before they come back?” Tara asked impatiently.  
  
  
Willow's eyes flicked down.  
  
  
“Well, see, Tara…” she made a vague gesture to the various tubes attached to Tara’s body “You have this catheter in and—”  
  
  
“So get them to take it out,” Tara interjected.  
  
  
Willow gulped.  
  
  
“They can’t.”  
  
  
Tara’s brow began to furrow.  
  
  
“Why not?”  
  
  
Willow’s voice lowered to a whisper.  
  
  
“Because you’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.”  
  
  
Tara was getting visibly frustrated.  
  
  
“Why?”  
  
  
“Because you have to stay in bed,” Willow replied eventually, her thumb fidgeting in the sheet, “You have to keep still so you don’t end up bleeding out again. Your insides, they need a chance to heal a little bit.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head, confused.  
  
  
“But how do I get to the NICU?”  
  
  
Willow gulped again.  
  
  
“You don’t,” she said, with the decency to meet Tara’s eyes, as difficult as it was to watch them reflect her heartbreak, “It’s not forever. Three days, just three days!”  
  
  
Tara’s face crumbled and shook back and forth again as tears fell down onto her cheeks.  
  
  
“No, no, no. I have to see them, Willow, I have to see them. What if—”  
  
  
“Sshh,” Willow soothed, “The babies will be there when you’re able to go up.”  
  
  
Tara kept shaking her head.  
  
  
“I don’t care about me. I-I don’t care if it hurts or it takes longer to recover, I just want to see them.”  
  
  
“Tara, you almost died,” Willow replied desperately, clutching Tara’s hand tighter, “I know this is truly awful for you but _you almost died_. You can’t risk it. It’s not an option. You’re risking leaving all of our children without their mother. You asked me to promise before and now I have to ask you to promise me you won’t do anything that risks our family.”  
  
  
She watched Tara’s lower lip tremble and knew hers wasn’t far behind.  
  
  
“I know you’ve just been through the wringer and it’s not fair to ask anything of you but this is the situation we’re in.”  
  
  
With an entirely tense jaw and closed eyes, Willow just about registered Tara give a single, short nod. Willow’s eyes closed too and a single tear escaped.  
  
  
Tara’s chin dropped into her chest and she just started to cry. Willow lifted her hand to Tara’s hair and stroked it gently.  
  
  
Tara continued to sob.  
  
  
“My babies don’t know my voice.”  
  
  
“I’ll record you!” Willow offered, eager to ease Tara’s woe in some way, “You could even sing to them!”  
  
  
Tara took in a shaken breath and her jaw tensed again. Her eyes opened, glassy but not flowing and she looked straight ahead.  
  
  
“The babies shouldn’t be by themselves.”  
  
  
“They’re not,” Willow reassured quickly, “The staff up there is really great. You’ll, you…”  
  
  
She stopped and swallowed.  
  
  
“You’ll see.”  
  
  
Tara’s whole body was deflated.  
  
  
“I want you to be with them.”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“I was and-and I will be,” she said with a quick nod, “But I can be here right now. To take care of you.”  
  
  
“There’s nurses,” Tara replied in that same flat tone that unnerved Willow.  
  
  
“Tara, do you want to talk about—”  
  
  
“I just want to sleep,” Tara said quietly, “If I sleep it will pass quicker.”  
  
  
“O-Okay,” Willow agreed reluctantly, “Well, I’ll come back later. See if you’re up for video-chatting with the kids.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t respond. Willow brought up the bag she’d brought from home onto the chair so Tara could have access.  
  
  
“I’ll leave your stuff right here. I put your books in there, and your tablet and phone. And you can text me if you need anything at all, okay?”  
  
  
Tara just angled her body away, not quite turning on her side as her positioning in the bed wouldn’t allow it.  
  
  
Willow glanced down and kissed the back of Tara’s head before retreating. She passed by the nurses’ station and was relieved to see the doctor she’d gotten into the argument with had left. The kind nurse was still there.  
  
  
“Um, she’s very tired,” Willow said to her, “Can you make sure she’s okay? I don’t think she’s processed everything that’s happened to her. I know you have other patients, I just…”  
  
  
The nurse nodded.  
  
  
“I’ll be sure a doctor goes in to answer any questions.”  
  
  
Willow returned the nod.  
  
  
“I’ll be up in the NICU if I’m needed.”  
  
  
The nurse smiled at her and Willow pushed off again. She left the unit and on the way to the NICU just stopped at a vacant chair to take a breather.  
  
  
She sat on that chair and ate her protein bar, alone.


	22. Chapter 22

* * *

_**Chapter Seventeen** _   


* * *

“Willow.”  
  
  
Willow turned around at the sound of her name and spotted someone walking up to her driveway.  
  
  
“Becky.”  
  
  
She turned the key in her door but waited there until Becky caught up to her. Becky embraced her when she got there.  
  
  
“I just came to see if I could do anything.”  
  
  
Willow surprised herself at how grateful she was to lean on someone for a moment. But just a moment.  
  
  
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”  
  
  
“It’s 6 pm,” Becky replied softly.  
  
  
“Right,” Willow shook her head to herself and opened the door to let them both in, “I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch with anyone. It’s been a crazy couple of days.”  
  
  
“Of course it has,” Becky replied as she crossed the threshold.  
  
  
“I’m not even staying here at the moment,” Willow replied, closing the door behind them, “Our parents took over kid duty so I’m just crashing there when I can. I’m just grabbing some more things for Tara.”  
  
  
“Can I help?” Becky offered, “Or I could make you a coffee.”  
  
  
Willow checked her watch and finally nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah, okay. A coffee sounds really good, actually,” she smiled gratefully, “I’ll just go get the bag ready.”  
  
  
Becky nodded and went into the kitchen while Willow ascended the stairs and threw an overnight back onto the bed to pack things into.  
  
  
She didn’t know specifically what Tara wanted because the only desire Tara expressed was wanting to see her babies. She barely spoke apart from that unless the kids called and she put on a front for them. She wanted Willow to be with the babies _all_ of the time instead of her to make sure they were okay. A real sting for Willow was coming down to check on Tara to see that her normally modest wife had permitted a nurse to give her a sponge bath in the bed when Willow had offered only that morning.  
  
  
Willow felt run ragged and her biggest confidant and the only other person who understood what she was feeling was completely shutting down.  
  
  
She ran her hand back through her hair and noted she was going to need to wash it soon. Her own self-care hasn’t been exactly high on the priority list at the moment.  
  
  
Willow just packed the warmest, loosest clothing and PJs she could find and the bar of soap Tara usually liked to wash with so _the nurse_ could help her smell like herself. Willow grumbled at her own petulant thought and reminded herself that Tara was in her own ninth circle of hell right now.  
  
  
Not that she needed reminding; Tara’s pale, broken body lying small in the hospital bed was a regular and stark reminder. Considering the only other view she had for 90% of the day was her two tiny babies with wires spiraling out of their bodies, she was very much aware that more than half of her family were in dire straits and that there wasn’t a single, damn thing she could do about it.  
  
  
She rolled her neck in her hand and closed her eyes for a moment, almost falling asleep just standing over the bed like that.  
  
  
Then a waft of the coffee Becky was brewing hit her nose and Willow perked up again. Hospital coffee sucked and so did the small bites she could grab from the cafeteria between roaming corridors. Michelle and Ira always had a plate leftover for her when she got home to tuck the kids in but by that point, she was so hungry she usually wolfed it down without even tasting it.  
  
  
She zipped up the bag and left it at the door and went into the kitchen, where Becky was pouring the coffee into mugs.  
  
  
Becky pushed one mug across the island toward Willow and another plate that had mashed avocado on toast with a runny poached egg broken on top. Willow could see the empty saucepan in the sink.  
  
  
“Hope you don’t mind,” Becky said as she leaned over with her forearms on the island, “I saw that avocado sitting in your fruit bowl on the turn…”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Willow said in surprise, her stomach rumbling at the sight, “When the heck did you learn how to cook?”  
  
  
“When my metabolism turned 30,” Becky sighed.  
  
  
“You mean when you turned 30,” Willow replied with a soft smile.  
  
  
“My metabolism turned 30 a couple of years after I did,” Becky grinned, “It was fun while it lasted.”  
  
  
Willow held the mug with both hands and let it warm her palms.  
  
  
“You’ve been holding out on us. Why don’t you have any dinner parties?”  
  
  
“We have a small apartment,” Becky shrugged, “Plus all of that pressure would make B anxious.”  
  
  
Willow took a giant bite from the toast. It was the freshest, most flavorful thing she’d had in days (which felt like weeks).  
  
  
“Well, it’s delicious.”  
  
  
She tried to make an effort to eat it slowly, to savor the taste and also just to feel normal for a second. Becky didn’t push for conversation and Willow didn’t feel the need to offer it either.  
  
  
When she finished the toast she continued to sip on her coffee and felt her shoulders relax a little.  
  
  
“You wanna see pictures?” she offered.  
  
  
Becky nodded quickly and Willow slid out her phone.  
  
  
“I haven’t sent them to anyone yet out of respect for Tara.”  
  
  
Becky nodded that she understood and took the phone when it was offered.  
  
  
“They’re beautiful, Willow. Who’s who?”  
  
  
“The right is Lily and the little one is Emily,” Willow explained, “The kids made those little name signs, aren’t they cute?”  
  
  
“Adorable,” Becky agreed, then looked up at Willow, “How are they doing?”  
  
  
Willow gnawed on her lower lip.  
  
  
“Lily is doing pretty well, considering. Her heart beats a little slow sometimes. And Emily’s little lungs…they’re just so immature. They shot Tara up with steroids when she went into early labor but Lily seems to have gotten most of the benefit. They did say it all happened so fast it may not have had any effect at all but Lily just gets oxygen through her nose, she’s not all hooked up to tubes. Their little hands and feet are blue sometimes. And I just want to hold them and snuggle them like I did with the other two.”  
  
  
Becky covered Willow’s hand and squeezed sympathetically.  
  
  
“When can you hold them?”  
  
  
“Once Lily can maintain her body temperature for long enough. Maybe just days,” Willow replied hopefully with a swift nod, “And Em, they can’t give any guarantees but they think if they can move her from the ventilator to the C-PAP that we can try. But that will be a couple of weeks at least.”  
  
  
“What about Tara?” Becky asked with a softly arched eyebrow.  
  
  
Willow inhaled a slow breath.  
  
  
“Tara is…”  
  
  
She blinked several times and shook her head.  
  
  
“Distraught. She barely speaks to me, to anyone. She won’t let me help her with any of her care. I think she’s mad at me.”  
  
  
Becky frowned.  
  
  
“None of this is your fault.”  
  
  
Willow swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“I don’t think she thinks that.”  
  
  
“What?” Becky asked with a furrowed brow, “Why?”  
  
  
“Just a feeling I’m getting,” Willow replied, looking down.  
  
  
Becky shook her head.  
  
  
“I’m sure she doesn’t blame you.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded, not exactly convinced.  
  
  
“If everything is going well with her, I can wheel her up to the NICU the day after tomorrow, so…”  
  
  
Becky’s eyes offered a look of support.  
  
  
“How are the kids coping?”  
  
  
Willow sighed.  
  
  
“Robyn is really missing Tara. She’s throwing tantrums and wants her binky all the time. She hadn’t even asked for that thing in ages. Her routine is just totally blown up and she doesn’t really understand about the babies,” she continued, feeling that neck cramp tightening up again, “JJ’s been great, though. He’s really stepped up with helping out his grandparents while all of this is going on.”  
  
  
“Have they been in to see her?” Becky asked.  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“Tara’s at high-risk for infection so she can only have limited contact. But they said they can come in tomorrow for a short visit. Hoping it lifts everyone’s spirits.”  
  
  
Becky gave Willow a long look.  
  
  
“And what about you?”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“What about me?”  
  
  
“How are you coping?” Becky asked softly.  
  
  
Willow shrugged one shoulder.  
  
  
“Fine.”  
  
  
“And really?” Becky pushed, raising both eyebrows.  
  
  
Willow looked down and cleared her throat.  
  
  
“If I teeter even a smidge away from ‘fine’, then I fall apart,” she admitted, her whole body tensing to prevent just that, “And I can’t fall apart.”  
  
  
Becky’s brow furrowed with concern.  
  
  
“Willow—”  
  
  
Willow held a hand up.  
  
  
“Becky, I know you mean well…”  
  
  
Becky covered Willow’s hand again, then just walked around to her and wrapped an arm around Willow’s shoulders.  
  
  
“I know that I’m not your best friend. I know Tara is that. But I am your oldest friend. And I’m built solid. You can lean on me until your best friend is back.”  
  
  
Willow looked up with her eyes full of tears and wrapped her arms around Becky’s back as her head fell against Becky’s chest. She didn’t smell like Tara or feel like Tara but she was solid, just like she’d promised and Willow embraced that feeling she’d felt earlier of someone to take the weight off for a moment.  
  
  
“Anything you need,” Becky promised, “I will do for you. And so will the others. You could not be farther from alone, okay?”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Willow sniffled, “This would be so hard even with Tara at full health. I just want to be able to fix them all and I can’t!”  
  
  
Becky pulled back and looked Willow in the eye.  
  
  
“No, but you can fix you. Take care of you. Because what’s going to happen if you run yourself so far into the ground that you end up in hospital too?”  
  
  
Willow’s breath quickened and she found herself nodding resolutely.  
  
  
“Yes, I know. I know, you’re right.”  
  
  
Becky massaged Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
“I am twenty minutes away any time you need a laugh or a cry or a hand with…anything. Please use me.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded again. Becky smiled.  
  
  
“Now why don’t you go take twenty minutes for you. Watch something or have a bath or just sit in silence. Whatever you want.”  
  
  
Willow swallowed.  
  
  
“I-I really do appreciate what you’re saying but I have to get that bag to Tara now so I can get back to the kids for bedtime and—”  
  
  
“I’ll go drop the bag off,” Becky offered easily, “It’s on my way home anyway.”  
  
  
Willow exhaled.  
  
  
“Really?”  
  
  
Becky nodded.  
  
  
“Of course.”  
  
  
Willow swiped at her eyes.  
  
  
“It would be kinda nice to just sit down and turn my brain off for a few minutes.”  
  
  
“Candy Crush?” Becky asked knowingly.  
  
  
“Saga,” Willow giggled back, “JJ got me addicted. The only thing better at shutting off the old noggin than…”  
  
  
“Ain’t that the truth,” Becky murmured and bumped Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
Willow punched her back in the arm and for a whole second, she felt normal.  
  
  
She gave Becky the details of where to drop off the bag and told her Tara would be sleeping but she could just leave it under the bed.  
  
  
Becky left Willow with another hug and a refill of coffee as she settled on the couch with her iPad and something close to a relaxed smile on her face.  
  
  
Becky put the overnight back on the passenger seat and drove to the hospital. She found Tara’s room and she was asleep, as Willow had advised, so Becky quietly left the bag under the bed.  
  
  
Then, instead of leaving again, she sat in the chair sitting alongside the bed with her legs stretched out and watched her thumbs turn around each other in her lap.  
  
  
A while passed in which Becky got very familiar with an impending hangnail on her index finger until a frail voice spoke up.  
  
  
“B-Becky?”  
  
  
Becky looked up and Tara’s whole brow was furrowed.  
  
  
“H-Has something happened to Willow?”  
  
  
“No, no,” Becky reassured, reaching out to take Tara’s hand, “I just brought in your new clothes for you. Willow was running behind herself.”  
  
  
Tara looked stricken.  
  
  
“S-She’s not with the babies?”  
  
  
Becky slowly shook her head.  
  
  
“She was going to tuck the kids in.”  
  
  
Tara’s forehead slowly evened out.  
  
  
“Oh. Yes. Of course.”  
  
  
The room lapsed into silence and Becky looked at Tara with sympathy and concern.  
  
  
“How are you doing?” she asked, then rolled her eyes at herself, “Stupid question, huh?”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes cast downward.  
  
  
“I don’t think I’m much up for visitors.”  
  
  
Becky pulled her chair closer to the bed.  
  
  
“I’m not really here to visit,” she replied with a steady nod, “See, I was speaking to Willow and I mentioned that I was her oldest friend.”  
  
  
Her head cocked curiously.  
  
  
“And I sort of realized that I think I’m yours too.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes searched Becky’s but eventually, she saw what Becky wanted her to see: safety. She blinked heavily several times. Becky squeezed her hand with Tara’s.  
  
  
“I can’t even imagine the pain of not being able to see Lily and Emily.”  
  
  
Tara’s head ducked but Becky continued in a soft voice.  
  
  
“But I can — kinda, a little bit — imagine the pain of having your womb taken. And something tells me that pain is lost in there amongst all the other crap going on.”  
  
  
Tara looked up again, frowning.  
  
  
“I-it’s not…” her outer shoulder shrugged but her eyes betrayed her, “I-I wasn’t going to have any more children. Even if we were, Willow could still…”  
  
  
Becky was silent for a few moments, contemplative.  
  
  
“A little over a year ago I found out I was pregnant.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes widened considerably and Becky smiled sadly.  
  
  
“You know me. I never wanted kids. And finding out…did not change that. For Bri, either. We took the test together and looked at each other and we knew what we were going to do.”  
  
  
She patted a hand against her own thigh, clearly talking through a lump formed in her throat.  
  
  
“So I made the appointment. Friday, after school for me, Brian would take a half-day. We were both relieved to have our plan and the weekend to recover. We even planned a little movie-night-in date for afterward so we could snuggle with a hot water bottle and some treats.”  
  
  
Becky released a slow breath.  
  
  
“Then a few days before the appointment, I started to bleed. The pregnancy passed naturally.”  
  
  
She said it easily but her smile was still sad.  
  
  
“I made that appointment. I would have gone through with that appointment,” she said resolutely and clasped Tara’s hand tighter while looking her right in the eye, “But it still _sucked_ to have my choice taken away.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes filled with tears and Becky just nodded quickly, encouragingly. She stood up and moved over the bed, embracing Tara gently as Tara began to cry into Becky’s shoulder and release some of the emotion she’d been struggling with.  
  
  
Outside, Willow approached Tara’s room with a freshly baked half-loaf of Michelle’s banana bread for Tara to hopefully get some home comfort from. It was the only way she could consume bananas at all during pregnancy, so she’d taken quite a liking to it. Willow had brought it over especially for her after she’d tucked the kids in.  
  
  
She heard soft crying just a foot away and frowned.  
  
  
The frown only deepened when she stood in the doorway and watched Tara crying with Becky.  
  
  
Feeling out of place as her wife was comforted by another, Willow turned back around and walked away sadly.  
  


* * *

  
“Don’ wan’a!”  
  
  
“Robyn, you don’t have a choice,” Willow replied as Robyn hid her hands behind her back and refused to let Willow put the antiseptic hand gel from the dispenser on them.  
  
  
“You gotta do it, Robbie,” JJ encouraged, “Look, I did it.”  
  
  
Robyn twisted her body out of Willow’s futile grasp and pouted.  
  
  
“Don’ like!”  
  
  
“I don’t like it either Robyn but you either let me wash your hands or you don’t see Mommy!” Willow snapped, to disapproving looks from other people leaving and entering the hospital, and a couple of sympathetic ones too.  
  
  
Robyn dropped onto her butt and began to wail.  
  
  
Willow heaved out a quick sigh. She got down on her knees and felt all of her weight on her shoulders. She picked Robyn up and held her firmly in front of her, despite wiggling and protestations.  
  
  
“Robyn, I know you don’t want to wash your hands again but we talked about this. We need nice, clean hands so we don’t get any germs on Mommy and make her sick.”  
  
  
Robyn’s still face remained scrunched up and shook quickly from side to side.  
  
  
Willow felt like throwing herself on the ground to kick and scream too.  
  
  
“You miss Mommy,” she sighed again, “I miss Mommy too.”  
  
  
She wasn’t even sure where she was going with this.  
  
  
“We can go see Mommy right now, but you have to wash your hands with this special soap.”  
  
  
“Look, Robbie, it’s like magic,” JJ spoke again, using the dispenser to get some sanitizer in his hands and wringing it away to dryness, “It appears…and just goes poof!”  
  
  
Robyn seemed slightly appeased and leaned in to watch. She cautiously put her hand under the dispenser and giggled when the sanitizer plopped into her hands.  
  
  
“Now rub it all away!” Willow encouraged and Robyn laughed loudly as she did just that, then clapped.  
  
  
“Poof, poof!” she announced excitedly.  
  
  
Willow dropped a kiss on Robyn’s head and mouthed ‘thank you’ to JJ before leading them through the unit to Tara’s room.  
  
  
“Guys, remember, you can’t jump all over Mommy. Very gentle hugs and you have to stay off the bed. Got it?”  
  
  
“Got it,” JJ confirmed.  
  
  
“Gog ih!” Robyn added proudly, though she only had a tenuous grasp of what she was agreeing to.  
  
  
They got to the door, Willow’s hand on each of her children’s back to grab them in case they lunged.  
  
  
Tara was sitting up in bed, looking as well as she’d looked in days. Her hair was washed and brushed and she’d put on a little make-up to hide her pale face. Even her clothes had changed from mismatched PJs to a nice loose top and skirt that hid the catheter still attached underneath.  
  
  
Willow realized she’d done her best to look normal for the kids but her eyes were still sunken and exhausted.  
  
  
“Jakey, Robyn,” Tara breathed and did seem to brighten upon seeing them all, “C’mere and give me a hug.”  
  
  
“Gentle,” Willow reminded and held Robyn for the entirety of the hug just in case.  
  
  
That kid used her legs like she was a teenage rebel protesting an anti-dancing ordinance.  
  
  
Tara used her upper half to squeeze them both as hard as she could.  
  
  
“I missed you, Mom,” JJ admitted quietly, gnawing on the corner of his lip.  
  
  
“I missed you so much,” Tara replied, repeatedly kissing his forehead, “Both of you. Hey little bean, how’s it going? Jakey, did you win your basketball game at the weekend?”  
  
  
JJ stood by Tara’s side, happily filling her in on all she’d missed. Willow sat on the visitor chair, holding Robyn by the waist as she stood on the armrest and snuggled into Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
She had to admit, it was quite adorable to see her daughter’s head of curls nuzzling Tara’s neck. Occasionally Robyn would twirl her fingers in Tara’s hair like she would as a baby when Tara was giving her a bottle.  
  
  
Willow's arms suddenly felt so empty as she longed to cradle the two upstairs. She could only imagine how Tara felt.  
  
  
All too soon, the short visit had to come to an end and Tara was clearly holding back tears so Willow didn’t delay the goodbyes too much. Robyn was surprisingly passive and toddled on out holding JJ’s hand.  
  
  
“Willow?” Tara’s shaken voice called out.  
  
  
Willow looked back and put a hand on each of the kid’s back again.  
  
  
“Stay with your sister for a minute,” she asked JJ as she guided them out the door.  
  
  
She jogged back into Tara and slipped her hand in.  
  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
  
Tara seemed a little startled by Willow’s touch but shook it off.  
  
  
“H-Hi,” she swallowed, her pale lips betraying the true color of her face, “You’re going up to the NICU now right?”  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah, the sibling support worker said we could bring them to the window so they can look in and see the babies.”  
  
  
“And you’ll stay with them after?” Tara asked insistently.  
  
  
“With the kids? Of c—” Willow started but Tara cut her off with a swift shake of her head.  
  
  
“With the babies.”  
  
  
Willow slowly frowned.  
  
  
“Well…I gotta get the kids home for dinner. I was going to come back after but I was thinking maybe we could have dinner together. I can bring in something better than the tray stuff you’ve been getting.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head again.  
  
  
“You should go straight to the NICU.”  
  
  
Willow offered a light smile.  
  
  
“I can bring you in that lemon chicken scallop—”  
  
  
“You should go straight,” Tara insisted, “I-I have to eat the meals they give me until my blood sugars regulate again.”  
  
  
The smile on Willow’s face faltered.  
  
  
“I want to come here. I don’t have to bring food.”  
  
  
Willow actually saw Tara’s jaw move with the intensity of her clench.  
  
  
“I need you to be with the babies.”  
  
  
“Why can’t I be with you too?” Willow asked, trying to squeeze Tara’s hand, only for it to be withdrawn.  
  
  
Tara’s whole jaw was trembling now.  
  
  
“Because MY body failed them so I need to know that YOU will be there!”  
  
  
Willow’s heart broke.  
  
  
“Tara, your body didn’t…”  
  
  
Tara’s whole face turned away and Willow felt like she was making everything ten times worse.  
  
  
“Okay. Okay, Tara. I’ll go to the babies.”  
  
  
Tara’s face turned back but her eyes remained downcast.  
  
  
“Will you send me pictures?”  
  
  
That was it, heart shattered.  
  
  
“Yes,” Willow said softly, “I’ll send you pictures.”  
  
  
She paused and pushed away from the bed.  
  
  
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
  
  
“You’ll be here on time?” Tara requested meekly.  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“Doctor rounds at 8. I’ll be here at 7:30.”  
  
  
She walked to the door but stopped and looked back.  
  
  
“Tara?” she said softly, “I love you.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes filled with tears and she didn’t respond, but she did nod quickly and Willow knew the sentiment was returned. She blew a kiss and hoped the tears threatening to spill from her own eyes didn’t spill before she got the kids upstairs.  
  
  
She recovered enough in the elevator to stem the flow and complimented the kids on how well they’d acted with Tara.  
  
  
Up in the NICU, the sibling support worker, an older woman named Marie, greeted them and introduced herself to JJ and Robyn. She brought them into a side room that had an incubator with a dolly in it to prepare them for what they were about to see. JJ asked some questions and Robyn just wanted to play with the doll.  
  
  
Willow walked with them down the corridor and picked up Robyn so she could see above the window when they got there. The nurses in the NICU had brought the incubators close in preparation and positioned them sidelong so they could all see right in.  
  
  
“That’s Lily,” Willow pointed out, “And that’s Emily. Those are your little sisters.”  
  
  
JJ stared in at them wide-eyed, eyes darting back and forth like Willow’s had that first night.  
  
  
Robyn seemed keen on the idea that her little sisters were like the dolly she wanted to play with. Then she saw Lily do a wiggle and suddenly she started to roar, terrified.  
  
  
Willow had to jostle to keep her in her arms and tried to put Robyn’s face into her neck to muffle the cries.  
  
  
“Okay, this is too much for her.”  
  
  
“Entirely normal,” Marie soothed, “It’s a very overwhelming sight.”  
  
  
Willow thanked her for her time and had to pull at JJ’s t-shirt to get him to follow her.  
  
  
“Momma, I wanna see the babies! I wanna see how the machine works that helps Emily breathe!”  
  
  
Willow was flustered until she got them all back out to the elevator.  
  
  
“I’ll bring you back to see them okay? Without your sister.”  
  
  
JJ frowned but he tried to remember he helped by being good and didn’t protest.  
  
  
Robyn was still crying back at the car, so Willow just grabbed a pacifier from the seat pocket and popped it into her mouth, dejected.  
  
  
She knew she’d come to regret it, but there was only so much she could put up with in one day.


	23. Chapter 23

* * *

_**Chapter Eighteen** _  


* * *

“OW!”  
  
  
Willow snapped her hand up as the knife she was using to cut the crusts off Robyn’s sandwiches for her lunch sliced through her finger.  
  
  
She watched the starchy-white bread turned red in spots as her blood dripped down. She sighed before rinsing it under the faucet.  
  
  
That’s what you get for wielding a knife on no sleep, she said to herself. She’d get to bed earlier tonight.  
  
  
Who was she kidding? She wasn’t sleeping anyway.  
  
  
She tossed the sullied slice of bread into the trash and was met with Woofy standing at his bowl, looking up at her pleadingly.  
  
  
“Early riser this morning today too, huh Woofs?” she asked as she bent down to pick up his bowl to fill, “I hope JJ remembered to feed you last night.”  
  
  
“I did.”  
  
  
Willow looked across the kitchen as JJ entered, frowning.  
  
  
“I did, Momma, I replaced his water and everything!”  
  
  
“I believe you,” Willow soothed softly.  
  
  
JJ walked over, still in his jammies, and took the bowl to fill with kibble. When he was finished, and Willow had gotten Robyn’s blood-free sandwich into a baggie to keep fresh, he stood in front of Willow and scratched his bed-tousled hair.  
  
  
“Momma?”  
  
  
Willow put her hands on JJ’s shoulders. He was getting so tall.  
  
  
“Yeah, bud?”  
  
  
JJ frowned.  
  
  
“I tried to get Robyn up…but she was all wet.”  
  
  
“All wet?” Willow asked in confusion, then let out a low groan, “Dammit!”  
  
  
She quickly looked at JJ.  
  
  
“Don’t tell your grandparents I said that. Are you okay to get your own breakfast?”  
  
  
JJ just nodded and Willow rushed upstairs to Robyn’s room. Robyn still had Stripey clutched tightly against her chest but was in that fitful state between being asleep and being awake. It just took one pat of her butt, as Willow felt around to confirm her suspicions, for her to rouse and look up at Willow with her big, sleepy turquoise eyes.  
  
  
“I all wet.”  
  
  
Willow used her arm to wrap around Robyn and pluck her from the bed.  
  
  
“You had an accident, baby. It’s okay, it happens sometimes,” she comforted, kissing Robyn’s mop of messy hair, “Let’s give you a little bath.”  
  
  
She brought Robyn to the bathroom and undressed her from her sleep romper while the tub filled just enough to sit her in.  
  
  
Robyn weaved her arms around the water, then looked up sadly.  
  
  
“Wan’ my ducky.”  
  
  
Willow paused and looked at Robyn for a moment.  
  
  
Her dad and Michelle went above and beyond in making this place a home for their grandchildren, but ultimately, it wasn’t. As if there weren’t enough changes going on for the kids at the moment, she’d plucked them out of their home too.  
  
  
“You can have ducky for your bath tonight, okay?”  
  
  
She quickly washed Robyn down before another complaint could be made and distracted her with a towel monster she made to chase her back to her bedroom, to many giggles.  
  
  
She tried to bask in the moment and let those giggles reverberate around her brain.  
  
  
“Come here little bean. What would you like to wear today?”  
  
  
“Ooh-nee-cohns!” Robyn replied, clapping her hands together.  
  
  
Willow looked through the limited shirt options tucked away in the drawer.  
  
  
“You can have a magic carrot or a family of bears.”  
  
  
An angry furrow appeared on Robyn’s brow.  
  
  
“Wan’ ooh-nee-cohns! An’ ducky! An’—”  
  
  
Willow tried to best to stop the tantrum before it could start and just pulled Robyn’s cold body against her and enveloped her in a hug. This is what Tara would do, she thought.  
  
  
Robyn fought it for about fifteen seconds but eventually realized the hug was much more pleasant and nuzzled into Willow’s neck.  
  
  
Willow held on for a whole minute, for herself as much as Robyn, then silently dressed her in the magic carrot and whatever pair of pants came to hand first. As Robyn pulled her socks on, Willow kneeled in front of her.  
  
  
“Hey, hey, c’mere,” she said, helping secure the sock over Robyn’s ankle, “Remember, you need to tell an adult if you feel like you gotta go potty okay?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded resolutely and Willow gave her a little smile.  
  
  
“Help me get these sheets off the bed so we can clean them.”  
  
  
Robyn carried her soiled sheets down to the washer importantly and pressed the start button on the machine when Willow lifted her high enough to push it. They washed their hands together and returned to the kitchen, where Robyn ran over to JJ to climb all over him while he poured her some cereal.  
  
  
Willow finished cutting up some apple for Robyn’s lunchbox and left both boxes in the fridge.  
  
  
A while later, Ira appeared in his work suit, turning down his cuffs. Michelle was close behind him, securing her sweater over her shoulders.  
  
  
If Willow didn’t know any better she thought there might have been some hanky panky going on, but honestly, she’d seen enough of that for several lifetimes the one time she and Tara had caught them on the couch.  
  
  
_Her_ couch.  
  
  
She shuddered and tried to hide it.  
  
  
“Um, there’s coffee in the pot. Woofy is fed and I made the kids’ lunches.”  
  
  
“You know I don’t mind making them,” Michelle said kindly.  
  
  
Willow nodded.  
  
  
“I know, but you guys are doing so much. Taking on me and the kids, even Woofs. It’s too much,” she swallowed and shook her head, “I’m really sorry, but Robyn had an accident last night. I’ve cleaned everything up, the sheets are in the washer.”  
  
  
Ira and Michelle shared a concerned glance.  
  
  
“Is that the first accident she’s had since being potty trained?” Michelle asked gently.  
  
  
Willow looked down into her own cup of coffee.  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
She looked over at the kids, who were making Woofy give the paw for fruity pebbles, the kind of cereal Tara would never have allowed before school if she was here.  
  
  
But she wasn’t.  
  
  
And Willow was doing her goddamn best.  
  
  
And having hypothetical arguments in her head, she thought.  
  
  
“I think I need to move home,” she said eventually, “You guys have been so incredibly amazing, but they’re back in school and they need as close to a regular routine as I can give them. Work is being great and told me to take as long as I need so I’m just going to have to work out a schedule of when I can be at the hospital and when I need to be at home with them.”  
  
  
Her voice got obviously choked at the end and Ira came over to put himself between her and the kid’s line of vision. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  
  
  
“You’re not alone, darling.”  
  
  
“Let me make your dinners at least,” Michelle offered, “I’ll be cooking for us anyway, so it’s just a little extra. I can drop them at your doorstep, don’t even have to come inside.”  
  
  
Willow waved a hand in front of herself.  
  
  
“You’re both welcome inside any time, that’s not the issue.”  
  
  
“What if we moved into your house for a while?” Ira suggested casually, “So the children are in their own surroundings.”  
  
  
“And I can keep doing pick-ups and drop-offs,” Michelle added in quickly, “It’s one my way, anyway. Tara and I take the same route.”  
  
  
Willow looked up with glassy eyes.  
  
  
“Really? You’d do that?”  
  
  
Ira pulled Willow into a hug.  
  
  
“We’d do anything for you all, bubbeleh.”  
  
  
Willow reached back to massage the back of her own neck.  
  
  
“I can’t ask you.”  
  
  
“You didn’t, we offered,” Ira said resolutely.  
  
  
“And we mean it,” Michelle said softly.  
  
  
“We’d already discussed it, in fact,” Ira revealed, “We’ve been watching you run around trying to have the right clothes and books…it’s silly, really.”  
  
  
Willow exhaled a slow breath.  
  
  
“You’ll have to take our room. We were going to do up the second attic bedroom someday but right now it’s just storage and — CRAP, I haven’t even thought about the nursery! It’s half set up, there’s stuff everywhere and their cribs aren’t even put together!”  
  
  
Ira looked very momentarily unimpressed at the slipped (minor) expletive but had the good sense not to say anything. He kissed the top of his daughter’s head just as Willow had kissed her daughter’s that morning.  
  
  
“It’s not a concern for right this moment.”  
  
  
Willow’s phone alarm went off in her pocket and her eyes turned to panic stations.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I have to go. Tara’s doctors don’t wait around. Can we talk about it later?”  
  
  
“Of course, darling,” Ira nodded and patted Willow’s back as she dashed off.  
  
  
She rushed over to kiss the children goodbye.  
  
  
“Bye kids, I love you. Have a good day at school!”  
  
  
“Can we see Mom today?” JJ asked and Robyn started bouncing from where she was sitting on the floor.  
  
  
“Mom-mee, Mom-mee!”  
  
  
Pain visibly etched over Willow’s features. She didn’t know what answer to give them when she didn’t even know herself.  
  
  
“You can definitely video chat.”  
  
  
JJ looked down and Robyn was distracted enough at the excitement of video chatting to realize that meant she wouldn’t get to see her mother.  
  
  
“I’m sorry bud,” Willow kissed JJ’s temple, “Everyone is doing everything they can to get her home.”  
  
  
JJ looked over and nodded quickly, almost scared. Willow frowned at the reaction, but she had to go.  
  
  
“Goodbye,” she said and stood again, “Bye Dad, bye Michelle. Thank you so much for everything.”  
  
  
They both waved her off and Willow left her half-full coffee in the sink before rushing out to the car.  
  
  
She thought she’d put enough of a buffer into her timing to get to the hospital with some breathing room, but she had not anticipated the build-up of an accident that made her creep bumper-to-bumper quite literally to the door.  
  
  
She found herself resenting that the ambulance was getting to the hospital quicker and had to seriously tell herself to get it together.  
  
  
Finally, she skidded into Tara’s room a couple of minutes past the hour, out of breath and red with stress.  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara said in relief, though it came out harsher than she meant it from the build-up of worry.  
  
  
Willow quickly came over to Tara’s side, eyes apologetic.  
  
  
“Tara, the traffic, I’m so sorry. Have they been, did I miss them?”  
  
  
Tara lifted her hands to put over Willow’s but her fingers just fell back down onto the bed instead.  
  
  
“No,” she said, shaking her head, “I think they’re next door. I can hear lots of talking when it’s quiet.”  
  
  
Willow hushed up and sure enough, there did seem to be a lot of chatter coming between the wall.  
  
  
Willow took in a grateful breath and tried to relax her shoulders.  
  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
  
“Anxious,” Tara replied, gnawing on the corner of her thumb.  
  
  
No, duh, Willow thought.  
  
  
“What about your body—”  
  
  
Suddenly that gaggle of voices became a lot more obvious as a senior doctor, whom Willow didn’t even know if she recognized her or not considering how many medical professionals she’d met over the past few days, led a team of more junior ones into the room.  
  
  
She introduced herself quickly as the head of the Obstetrics department. They _had_ met before, but it had been in the immediate aftermath of Tara’s surgery and all she and Tara remembered was the deep, aching sorrow of Tara being told she couldn’t go to the NICU. They hadn’t ben coherent enough to ask many more questions.  
  
  
Willow did recall her name though, now that she could place the doctor.  
  
  
Dr. Beaver.  
  
  
In some back recess of her mind, she heard Robyn’s giggle and managed a little smile of her own.  
  
  
She watched Dr. Beaver lift Tara’s chart and begin to converse with her team. Willow recognized a lot more of the terms in this round of medical Jeopardy! — mostly because she kept herself up half the night looking up all of the broken parts of her wife and babies wondering if she could somehow put them back together.  
  
  
Finally, Dr. Beaver turned her attention fully back to Tara, while every one of the junior doctors scribbled furiously.  
  
  
“Suffice to say, you gave the delivery team quite the challenge. You had an overdistended uterus because of your twin pregnancy and your gestational diabetes causing acute polyhydramnios, an excess of amniotic fluid. It caused pre-term labor and post-partum hemorrhage, quite a severe one. They performed a total hysterectomy which resolved the immediate blood loss and any additional tears haven’t progressed with medication intervention and monitoring. Can I examine your incision site?”  
  
  
Tara removed the blanket from the lower half of her body and the doctor peeled away the bandage to look.  
  
  
It looked angry and painful to Willow, but apparently not to the doctor.  
  
  
“Looking very well. I am extremely pleased with that,” she said and continued to have a gentle feel up under Tara’s breasts, “Have you had any issues expressing?”  
  
  
Tara glanced down to where her breasts felt like two boulders sitting on her chest.  
  
  
“M-My supply hasn’t been co-operative. I’ve been trying to use the pump and dumping what I get but I think because I know it’s being dumped, it just won’t come. When will my milk be safe for them?”  
  
  
That hit Willow like a ton of bricks.  
  
  
She felt so guilty. She hadn’t even considered how Tara must be feeling with swollen breasts and no baby to feed. She’d forgotten about the process entirely. Tara had been self-expressing, alone? Crying, probably, imagining where it should be going.  
  
  
God, she felt like an asshole. She’d been through breastfeeding, she knew what it felt like, especially those early days. But she knew the babies were being fed so, like the hand sanitizer on Robyn’s hand, the notion of breastfeeding had poofed entirely from her mind, wrung away before she could even consider it. Tara must have been so uncomfortable on top of all of the other pain.  
  
  
“Let me review your medications,” Dr. Beaver picked up the chart again, “Hmm. Tara, I don’t see anything here that would interact with your breast milk. We always try to prioritize that when utilizing treatment, especially when prematurity is involved. Was it the NICU that rejected it?”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“I-I don’t know. It just gets taken away to be analyzed.”  
  
  
Realization dawned on the doctor’s face.  
  
  
“I see the misunderstanding. You’re expressing into a small test tube correct?” she asked and Tara nodded, “It’s not being taken to analyze. It’s being delivered to the NICU to your babies. I’m sorry this wasn’t adequately explained to you.”  
  
  
“They’ve been getting my milk?” Tara asked with tears filling her eyes as she looked over to Willow, “They’ve been getting my milk.”  
  
  
“I heard, baby,” Willow replied softly, caressing Tara’s upper arm with her thumb.  
  
  
She knew how much that must have meant to Tara psychologically if she still thought her body had ‘failed’ the babies. God, that was something Willow needed to get on top of soon too. Tara couldn’t go on thinking like that.  
  
  
“All colostrum up to now, all the better for them,” Dr. Beaver smiled, “Your milk should be ready to come in. You can discuss with the NICU nurses about organizing a pump and a lactation consultant to come up with a plan for you going forward.”  
  
  
Willow heard Tara’s breath catch in her throat.  
  
  
“Does that mean I can go up?”  
  
  
Dr. Beaver held her hands up cautiously.  
  
  
“I need to do a physical exam.”  
  
  
She called for a nurse to assist and pulled the curtain around so it was just the two of them and Tara for the examination. Willow remained on the outside of that curtain and felt just as awkward as all of the juniors, looking at her feet while she waited for it to be opened again.  
  
  
Eventually, the nurse pushed the curtain back as the doctor pulled off her gloves.  
  
  
“As long as you remain in the wheelchair for the moment, I’m happy to take you off bed rest. If everything goes okay with some limited movement, we would look into starting to get you up and about and then discharge. But absolutely no heavy lifting. If it’s over 10 pounds I don’t want you even looking at it or putting any undue strain on your body.”  
  
  
Tara’s nails clawed the sheet beneath her as she began to shake with anticipation.  
  
  
The doctor looked at Tara’s chart one more time to make sure Tara’s temperature was normal that morning, then lifted her head and nodded.  
  
  
“Can I go now, can I go right now?”  
  
  
“I’ll call up to NICU and get a wheelchair right away,” the nurse said, appropriately expedient as she left the room.  
  
  
Tara’s hands shook in front of her as she looked over to Willow.  
  
  
“I can see the babies.”  
  
  
Willow took a step forward and blurted everything she’d been trying to keep patiently inside while the doctor was there.  
  
  
“Tara, I’m so sorry I haven’t helped you express your milk.”  
  
  
Tara looked bewildered.  
  
  
“What?”  
  
  
“I didn’t think about it, with the babies and the kids…” Willow trailed off, shaking her head, “But I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
Tara waved a hand.  
  
  
“It’s fine, I took care of it.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth.  
  
  
“I—”  
  
  
“Willow, who cares?” Tara cut Willow off, and it stung a little.  
  
  
“Right,” Willow swallowed, nodding, “Yeah, no, of course. Let’s just get you upstairs.”  
  
  
Obviously, that was Tara’s only priority right now. How could anything else be?  
  
  
The nurse returned, wheeling a wheelchair with various supplies sitting in the seat.  
  
  
“For the NICU, we have to change your bandage and clean any exposed skin. We need to get that catheter out too.”  
  
  
She donned a pair of gloves.  
  
  
“Because you’ve had that inserted for a few days, you’ll have to wear something for extra padding in case of inadvertent leaks—”  
  
  
Tara felt like the universe was conspiring against her or that she was in one of JJ’s video games trying to figure out how to dodge the obstacles.  
  
  
“I don’t care if I have to wear a yeti costume, I just want to see my babies.”  
  
  
Willow winced but the nurse just smiled understandingly.  
  
  
“Then let’s get you up there.”  
  
  
The nurse worked quickly in readying Tara who just tried to keep her breathing steady so she didn’t jump right out of her skin. Finally, when she was ready to be moved to the wheelchair, the nurse and Willow got either side of her to guide her into the seat carefully.  
  
  
Tara made an impatient jerking motion trying to drop in quicker.  
  
  
“Hey,” Willow said quietly but firmly, “If you overdo it, you’re going to end up stuck back in the bed.”  
  
  
“I know that, Willow,” Tara snapped back.  
  
  
Willow sighed and Tara did allow herself to be guided instead of trying to speed it up but her whole body was trembling excitedly when she finally settled.  
  
  
She was sore and uncomfortable and worn out and hormonal but this was the most elated she had felt in her entire life.  
  
  
Willow pushed Tara out of the room and Tara felt incredibly small in her chair. She hadn’t seen outside the four walls of her room since waking from surgery and she’d barely moved either apart from when the nurse came in to massage and exercise her legs. She hadn’t realized quite how much of an invalid she felt until being surrounded by people moving around with ease.  
  
  
She kept her eyes down, so much so that she didn’t even realize they were crossing into an elevator until Willow turned her around and she watched the doors close.  
  
  
Her heart sped up.  
  
  
She closed her eyes until she heard the ding of them opening again, repeating the same mantra in her head.  
  
  
_Lily-Emily-Lily-Emily-Lily-Emily-Lily-Emily_  
  
  
Her heartbeat slowed to the sound of the names but she could still feel her blood rushing past her ears. She remembered blood rushing past her thighs and then being held down in a bed as her body fought for what was torn from her.  
  
  
Her breathing was on the cusp of becoming ragged when a hand on her shoulder brought her back into the moment.  
  
  
“Tara.”  
  
  
She looked like she awoke from sleep with a gasp, but it was just from being so deep inside her own mind.  
  
  
She wasn’t in the elevator anymore.  
  
  
She was in a new department with a long corridor and in the distance, she realized she could see the L-shaped window into the NICU.  
  
  
She gasped again when it hit her how close she was to seeing her babies on something other than Willow’s phone screen.  
  
  
Willow continued to wheel her toward it and it took all of her strength not to jump right out of the chair. At the entrance, a nurse approached and bent down so she’d be on Tara’s level.  
  
  
“It’s very nice to meet you, Tara. I’m Genevieve, I’m one of the nurses who’s been taking care of your twins.”  
  
  
Tara pulled her searching eyes away from the window to look at the woman.  
  
  
“Thank you so much.”  
  
  
“No need to thank me,” Genevieve smiled, “We just have to go through a hand-washing procedure and then you’ll be brought right in.”  
  
  
Willow brought Tara to the sink and stepped aside to wash her own hands. The soap stung her finger where she’d cut it that morning and it occurred to her that she may need to cover it.  
  
  
“Um,” she looked over to Genevieve, “I cut myself earlier.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Genevieve replied quickly, “Let me get that wrapped up.”  
  
  
She quickly brought Willow to the nurses’ station while Tara made sure to thoroughly wash her hands free of any hospital germs that might harm her precious babies.  
  
  
Genevieve wiped Willow’s finger with more antiseptic — which again, ow, Willow thought — and then pulled a latex cover over it down to her middle knuckle.  
  
  
“Nifty,” Willow said as she wiggled her finger, then bounced it up and down in front of Tara, “Grr. Argh.”  
  
  
Tara actually cracked a smile and it lifted Willow’s spirits to a place it hadn’t been since this all began.  
  
  
She closed her hands around the handles of the wheelchair while Genevieve entered the code to get in the door.  
  
  
“Ready to meet our girls?” Willow whispered.  
  
  
“More than anything,” Tara breathed softly.  
  
  
Willow rubbed Tara’s shoulder gently and began pushing her inside as soon as the door opened.  
  
  
Tara felt that same sense of being overwhelmed that Willow had when she’d first been in here. There were so many tiny babies and she was eye-level with all of them. Her heart ached but it ached more for her own tiny babies.  
  
  
She didn’t need to see their nameplates to know when she was where she needed to be.  
  
  
“Lily,” she inhaled and exhaled at a quick pace, “Emily.”  
  
  
In one long second, she took in everything she could; Lily’s slick of red hair, Emily’s teeny fingers. Both of their chests rising and falling.  
  
  
Though the big tube in Emily’s throat was even more confronting in person.  
  
  
“Hi sweeties,” she said softly and started to lift a hand toward each of them but pulled back.  
  
  
“You can touch them,” Willow encouraged.  
  
  
Tara looked back at Willow like she was a small child seeking reassurance. Willow wasn’t used to being in that position with Tara but just nodded that it was okay.  
  
  
Tara reached an arm out either side of her and slipped both hands passed the openings in the incubators. With her fingers shaking, she settled them against each baby’s arm.  
  
  
“Hi girls. Mommy’s finally here.”  
  
  
Tears started streaming down her face. Willow bent down to put her hands on Tara’s knees.  
  
  
“Good tears?”  
  
  
Tara could only nod.  
  
  
“I know,” Willow soothed softly as she watched her wife go through the same emotional rollercoaster she had the night the twins were born. She felt someone tap her shoulder and the mom of the boy ‘next door’ handed her a pack of tissues, “Thank you.”  
  
  
She pulled one of the tissues out and dabbed Tara’s face for her so she wouldn’t have to relinquish the new hold she had on the babies’ skin.  
  
  
“They’re so little,” Tara commented with a choked voice.  
  
  
“They’ll grow,” Genevieve said helpfully, “Especially if you’re able to keep expressing for them.”  
  
  
Fresh tears formed in Tara’s eyes and she sniffled as she looked back and forth between her babies.  
  
  
Genevieve decided to give her a few minutes and went off to attend to other duties while Tara acclimatized to life in the NICU.  
  
  
Willow watched Tara try to take in everything and for the first time truly felt like everything would be okay.  
  
  
Eventually.  
  
  
“See, baby? They’re wearing their hats. I-I wasn’t sure which one to give them but well, Lily is bigger and…”  
  
  
She trailed off thinking of how she’d read baby joeys spend six months in their mother’s pouch, thinking Tara would not appreciate that comparison being made.  
  
  
“So, um, yeah. So I gave Lily the panda hat and Emily the koala.”  
  
  
“I see,” Tara replied, raising her hand a tad and choking back a tear when she ever-so-carefully touched Emily’s cheek, “Hi my little koala bear.”  
  
  
She turned her head and did the same to Lily.  
  
  
“Hey, panda.”  
  
  
Willow stood up and went around to the other side of Lily’s incubator to put her hand in on the other side. She lightly held her hand over Lily’s heart.  
  
  
“We’re both here, panda. We’ve got you.”  
  
  
Genevieve returned at that moment, smiling.  
  
  
“Good timing. I spoke to one of the doctors and he believes Lily might be ready to try some kangaroo care.”  
  
  
Willow gasped while Tara took a moment to process what had been said.  
  
  
“We can hold her?” Willow asked, voice near trembling, “Skin to skin?”  
  
  
Genevieve nodded, the bright smile on her face indicative of someone happy to have good news.  
  
  
“She’s as stable as we could hope her to be at this point. Kangaroo care can only help with that.”  
  
  
“Good girl,” Willow whispered under her breath, stroking Lily’s arm.  
  
  
“When?” Tara croaked out, finally understanding what was happening.  
  
  
“Right now,” Genevieve replied, looking just as excited as they were, “If you’re ready?”  
  
  
“As ever!” Willow replied enthusiastically and Tara could only add a swift nod of agreement.  
  
  
Genevieve went to get a blanket and another nurse to help with the transfer while Willow came to stand by Tara, rolling back and forth between her heels and toes.  
  
  
“You’re our lucky charm, baby!”  
  
  
The whole situation felt far from ‘lucky’ to Tara, but she didn’t care to argue the point at that moment in time.  
  
  
The new nurse came over with the blanket and looked between them.  
  
  
“Who is…?”  
  
  
“Oh,” Willow replied a little breathlessly, feeling her heart sink and soar all at once, “Oh, Tara. Absolutely, Tara.”  
  
  
She took a step back chivalrously and stood behind Tara so she could still crouch down close enough to touch Lily over Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“We have to closely monitor her temperature to make sure she stays warm enough,” the new nurse explained, “Do your best to keep her in the position we put her in.”  
  
  
Tara nodded diligently if a little impatiently also.  
  
  
The nurse moved back to the incubator to aid Genevieve in wrangling all of the wires so Lily could be lifted out.  
  
  
As Willow waited with bated breath, Tara looked up and tugged on Willow’s sleeve.  
  
  
“Will you hold Emily’s hand? I don’t want her to feel alone.”  
  
  
Willow felt more of the heart-sinking feeling this time.  
  
  
“Oh. Yeah.”  
  
  
She quickly tried to shake herself out of it.  
  
  
“Yeah, of course.”  
  
  
Her heart clenched as she watched Lily be lifted into the air, her first glimpse of her daughter not surrounded by plastic walls. Her eyes were strained from looking so hard, but she wouldn’t let Emily down and she quickly had her hand in there to touch her little face.  
  
  
“Momma’s here,” she whispered, lost to the endless beeping of machines.  
  
  
Tara’s eyes were also painfully strained as it all happened in slow motion. She watched her tiny baby, whom she’d known for minutes and forever all at once, be lifted into the air like an anointed one. She was gently cradled as she was brought toward Tara’s chest.  
  
  
All of a sudden the slow-mo crashed into double time for Tara and there was a little warm bundle tucked between her breasts and a blanket wrapped around them both and finally, FINALLY, she was holding her baby.  
  
  
She burst into tears which must have startled Lily because she did as well. As soon as that frail little wail hit Tara’s ears she felt a fullness in her breasts that hadn’t quite happened before and two big wet patches appeared right in front of the blanket.  
  
  
Tara started to laugh through the tears and the gentle shake of her upper half seemed to soothe Lily, who settled down and started to nuzzle into this nice, new warm place. Her cheek rested on Tara’s breast and her lower lip smacked against the top.  
  
  
Genevieve peered over to make sure Lily was sitting right.  
  
  
“She smells your milk,” she said encouragingly to Tara, “And she’s seeking your nipple, that’s good. You can rub a little milk on her lips.”  
  
  
Tara cautiously reached under her shirt to squeeze a little milk between her fingers, which she rubbed onto Lily’s mouth. She tried to suck on Tara’s finger, so Genevieve put her hand under Lily’s head from above the blanket and helped guide her more toward the nipple.  
  
  
Lilly kept trying but her little mouth would fall away before completing the motion.  
  
  
Genevieve just smiled at Tara.  
  
  
“The coordination of her sucking, swallowing, and breathing isn’t quite there yet but we will do everything to facilitate getting both of them to a point where they can feed from you. In the meantime, you can keep expressing so they get your milk.”  
  
  
Tara nodded; she was determined to do that.  
  
  
“The doctor downstairs said I should talk to a lactation specialist to get a pump.”  
  
  
“We’ll organize that,” Genevieve replied and nodded downward, “They’ll tell you this kind of contact is the best milk stimulation you can get.”  
  
  
“No kidding,” Tara chuckled, actually enjoying the swollen sensation in her breasts.  
  
  
“I’m going to replace the blanket so she doesn’t get wet,” Genevieve replied discreetly.  
  
  
Five long feet away, Willow tried to stand on her tip-toes to see if she could get a better view but it was pretty futile.  
  
  
“What’s she doing?” she called over a bit helplessly.  
  
  
“Being,” Tara replied softly as her unbroken gaze remained downward, “Just being.”  
  
  
Willow breathed softly. That was good enough for her, for now.  
  
  
It was Tara, ultimately, who ended up faltering first and had to release Lily back to the incubator so she could return to her room to sleep, but only after several hours of feeling tiny baby breaths on her breast healing her soul.  
  
  
She was so exhausted that Willow and the nurse had to lift her right into her bed from the wheelchair. Willow was glad; it lessened the trauma of having to leave the NICU for the first time.  
  
  
She kissed Tara’s forehead and checked her watch.  
  
  
She could get home to help JJ with his homework and play with Robyn for a bit if she left now. She gnawed on the corner of her thumb, caught between her two sets of children but decided to head homeward while she had the chance. Well, to her Dad’s house.  
  
  
She got into the car and got her glasses from the glove compartment to stem the headache that had been pushing at the corners of her brain since the moment she realized Tara was stuck in the elevator.  
  
  
Michelle’s car was, expectedly, in the driveway when she got to their house. Willow parked on the curb so her car wouldn’t block Ira’s space when he got home.  
  
  
She knocked politely, though she did have a key to let herself in and out at some of the less sociable hours she’d been keeping.  
  
  
Michelle answered it and smiled at her.  
  
  
“Oh Willow. You’re home early.”  
  
  
“I want to spend some time with the kids,” Willow explained as she stepped through, but noted the dishcloth hanging over Michelle’s shoulder, “But I want to help too. Can I make dinner or do dishes or something?”  
  
  
Michelle smiled kindly toward the living room, where two familiar voices were having an exchange.  
  
  
“You can go in there and do what you came home to do.”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Willow replied and hugged Michelle for a moment, “We held Lily today. Well, Tara did.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Michelle replied in surprise, holding up her hands to cover her mouth, “Darling, that’s wonderful. How was she?”  
  
  
“Tara or Lily?” Willow asked with a quiet chuckle in her voice, “Tara was so happy to get up there to see them. It was just…killing her.”  
  
  
Michelle nodded sympathetically.  
  
  
“Anyway,” Willow continued, clearing her throat, “She wore herself out just staring. But Lily hung on so well. She maintained her temperature and heart rate. She’s really thriving.”  
  
  
Michelle reached out and squeezed Willow’s upper arm.  
  
  
“And how’s Emily?”  
  
  
“…stable,” Willow said with a hint of sadness, “Which is great, incredible even. It’s just hard to see her so frail when…”  
  
  
She stopped and shook her head.  
  
  
“We just have to give her some time.”  
  
  
Michelle hugged Willow again before turning to go back to the kitchen. Willow pulled herself together and approached the living room.  
  
  
“Robyn you can’t grow up to be a dolphin,” JJ intoned patiently.  
  
  
“Wy?” Robyn asked with an innocent cock of her head.  
  
  
“Hey, kids!” Willow greeted enthusiastically as she walked into the living room with them.  
  
  
JJ was sitting at the coffee table, half-doing his homework while conversing with Robyn as she lay on the floor wiggling about, but sat up happily when she saw Willow.  
  
  
“Mom-mah!”  
  
  
“Hi Momma,” JJ said in a rush, “Is Mom okay, are the babies okay?”  
  
  
Willow came over and kneeled on the floor. She put a hand on his back.  
  
  
“Yeah buddy, everyone is okay,” she said softly, and hugged Robyn when she crawled over, “Guess what you guys? Mom held Lily today. They do this thing called kangaroo care where you hold the baby close like a kangaroo does with a little joey.”  
  
  
“‘woo care?” Robyn asked curiously.  
  
  
“You wanna see how, Robbie?” Willow asked encouragingly, “Get your dolly.”  
  
  
Robyn toddled off to pick her baby doll up from her small corner of toys. It was small but still took over a chunk of the room. Willow was reminded of how much they were taking over the house and how much she needed to bring them all back to their own.  
  
  
Robyn presented her doll to Willow, who carefully laid it down like it was a real baby to undress it.  
  
  
“See, first we have to strip them down to their diaper. The baby’s skin is on your skin and that makes them feel a lot better. Like how a hug makes you feel better. Take your top off, honey.”  
  
  
Robyn gladly took the opportunity to whip her t-shirt off and though she was left in a little vest, Willow didn’t try to take that off. She had Robyn hold the doll to her chest and made a blankie with the discarded t-shirt.  
  
  
“And then we make a little pouch with a blanket and get the baby all cozy inside!”  
  
  
JJ looked over excitedly.  
  
  
“Seahorses do that too! Except it’s the Daddy seahorse who hold the babies in their pouch,” he explained knowledgeably, then frowned, “I don’t know who does it if the baby seahorse has two moms. It doesn’t say in any of the books.”  
  
  
Willow frowned a little too but tried not to show it.  
  
  
“You wanna try, Jake?”  
  
  
JJ nodded and took his top off too. Willow showed him how to hold the doll securely and how to keep the blanket in place.  
  
  
“You have to make sure your arms are resting at the sides, otherwise it becomes too hard to keep them up,” Willow said, smiling as she remembered holding both Robyn and JJ like that when they were as many days old as the twins were now.  
  
  
She’d known the curve of their little bodies so intimately. She only knew Lily’s hand that way, having stood for hours just to feel that tiny grip. Emily, she knew even less. Just the tiny length of her tinier arm or how her chest rose with assisted breath.  
  
  
“Mom-mah, I be dol-fin when I gwowed?” Robyn asked and pulled Willow out of her thoughts by dropping into her lap and winding her for a moment.  
  
  
Willow blinked several times and looked down at her daughter.  
  
  
“Why do you want to be a dolphin?”  
  
  
JJ was pulling his shirt back on beside them and rolled his eyes.  
  
  
“Because I told her I wanted to be a marine biologist and she wants to be a dolphin so we can be together forever.”  
  
  
“Aww!” Willow replied, squeezing Robyn and smiling at JJ, “Marine biologist is new.”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes shone with the excitement of a new hobby that only childhood could bring.  
  
  
“Gramps took us to the aquarium at the weekend!”  
  
  
Willow felt a pang of guilt that she didn’t even know that. She did her best to conceal it.  
  
  
“Did you guys have fun?”  
  
  
She happily let both kids babble in her ear, a welcome relief to her own thoughts.  
  
  
JJ had a few math questions left on his homework, which she was eager to help with and threw out some verbal problems for them both to fight over solving afterward. Despite the obvious discrepancy in knowledge, JJ whispered answers to Robyn and ‘let’ her win, which made Willow send him the proudest of smiles.  
  
  
When Michelle called them to dinner, Willow hung back to give him a hug, which he folded into — not a given these days, but they were in private.  
  
  
“You are the best big brother. Do you hear me?”  
  
  
“Momma,” JJ groaned but was smiling.  
  
  
Willow pulled away with a kiss to his temple, but he tugged her back by the hand.  
  
  
“Momma?” he asked unsurely, “Can I see the babies again?”  
  
  
Willow sat on the arm of the couch.  
  
  
“Your sister is too little, I think,” she said with a frown, “It’s too scary. What did you think when we visited it before. Did it look scary?”  
  
  
JJ shook his head.  
  
  
“It just looked like my little sisters. They were all wiggly.”  
  
  
Willow cupped JJ’s ears and gently pulled him in against her chest.  
  
  
“I’m going to talk to the hospital and arrange something okay?”  
  
  
She kissed the top of his head and stood with her arm around his back.  
  
  
“Let’s go eat dinner. I think Grandma made spaghetti and meatballs. Sure smells like it, huh?”  
  
  
“And garlic bread!” JJ replied enthusiastically.  
  
  
They walked into the dining room, where Robyn was already enthusiastically slurping up spaghetti. Willow smiled at Michelle as she took a plate.  
  
  
“Wow, eating dinner when it’s actually served. Feels like a banquet.”  
  
  
“Ira called, he’ll be late home,” Michelle replied as she sat opposite them, “But he insisted we eat without him.”  
  
  
“Save some garlic bread for Gramps,” Willow said when JJ started grabbing at it.  
  
  
“I put a plate aside already,” Michelle said with an easy smile.  
  
  
It all smelled amazing to Willow and tasted even better — _almost_ as good as Tara’s, even though Willow suspected they were working from the same recipe.  
  
  
When everyone was finished, Willow was quick to jump up.  
  
  
“Please let me clean up,” she said as she picked her plate up, “The kids will help, right kids?”  
  
  
Both kids threw some side-eye and Willow noticed Robyn’s entire face was stained with sauce.  
  
  
“Robbie, c’mon, I’m going to have to give you a pre-bath wash!”  
  
  
“Sketti,” Robyn beamed a messy mouth from ear to ear.  
  
  
“Come on,” Willow sighed, taking Robyn’s hand with her own.  
  
  
JJ followed with his own plate and Willow decided to excuse him from wash-up but told him to get his Grandma whatever she wanted. Willow planted Robyn up on the counter beside the sink and wiped her mouth, to much protesting giggles. Willow found herself joining in on the giggles and dabbing Robyn in different places.  
  
  
“Only one diagnosis: a real bath.”  
  
  
“Mom-mee give bath?” Robyn requested while kicking her legs.  
  
  
Willow stiffened and sighed.  
  
  
“Baby, Mommy is still in the hospital. She has to get better before she comes home.”  
  
  
Robyn smacked her lips together with a smile tugging at the corners.  
  
  
“Wing wing?”  
  
  
_Shit_ Willow thought. She should have made sure to organize a call for the kids. She could try to call Tara now but her phone was undoubtedly dead without Willow there to remind her to plug it in.  
  
  
“How about tomorrow morning before you go to daycare?” Willow offered gently.  
  
  
Robyn’s face flickered with anger, then scrunched up entirely. Her fists banged on the counter.  
  
  
“Mom-mee! NOW!”  
  
  
Willow tried a reasoned tone.  
  
  
“Robbie—whoa!” she barely got her daughter’s name out before she had to yank her hands out of the sink to grab Robyn as she jumped right off the high counter, “Hey! You don’t just jump off like that! You know that!”  
  
  
Robyn twisted out of Willow’s hands and threw herself on the floor.  
  
  
“Wan’ Mom-mee!” she wailed, kicking and screaming, “Wan’ Mom-mee!”  
  
  
Willow got onto her knees and tried to reach out but Robyn slapped her away.  
  
  
“NO!”  
  
  
Willow spotted Michelle hover in the doorway and held up a hand.  
  
  
“It’s okay, I’ve got it.”  
  
  
She sat on the floor with her legs out and just waited, silently. It took less than a minute for Robyn to crawl, still crying, into Willow’s lap. Robyn reached down and grabbed a pacifier from her pocket, which she immediately began to suck on.  
  
  
Willow brought her knees up and held Robyn in a hold, not unlike the one she’d watched Tara hold Lily in.  
  
  
It made Willow’s eyes prick with tears.  
  
  
“It’s not fair that Mommy and the babies aren’t with us. We’re missing part of our family.”  
  
  
Willow had nothing else to say.  
  
  
None of the parenting articles Tara had sent her ever covered something like this. She just cocooned Robyn between her chest and knees until she was calm again.  
  
  
“Let’s go have a nice bath and read some stories.”  
  
  
Robyn didn’t even take out the pacifier while she was being bathed and Willow didn’t try to make her either. It only took one story for Robyn to nod off, overcome by her emotional exhaustion.  
  
  
Willow wished she had the same luxury. She quickly finished the dishes, grateful to feel like she wasn’t unloading everything on their parents, and returned to the living room where Michelle was knitting and JJ was explaining every basketball move in a game playing on the television.  
  
  
Michelle seemed so enrapt and enamored with his sportscasting, Willow didn’t even suggest JJ change the channel.  
  
  
“Is it okay if I head back to the hospital? Robyn is asleep.”  
  
  
Michelle seemed surprised to see she’d entered the room and smiled softly.  
  
  
“Of course, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow smiled back and tapped JJ’s shoulder.  
  
  
“Give me a hug,” she requested and JJ turned in his beanbag to give her one, “Brush your teeth and be good for Grandma?”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes turned wide and he nodded quickly.  
  
  
“I will. Right now!”  
  
  
“When you go to bed, buddy,” Willow chuckled and ruffled his hair, “I love you and Mommy loves you. I’ll be here when you wake up.”  
  
  
She stood again and offered a brief wave before heading out and to the door. Just as she pulled it open, it was being pushed on the other side and Ira stepped through the threshold.  
  
  
“Oh, Dad. I was just heading out.”  
  
  
Ira wrapped his large frame around Willow.  
  
  
“I meant to be home earlier but good news, I can now take some personal leave! How is everyone?”  
  
  
“Tara got to come up to the NICU and hold Lily,” Willow explained succinctly, “They both did really well.”  
  
  
Ira’s hand covered his heart.  
  
  
“And young Emily?”  
  
  
Willow slowly frowned.  
  
  
“Um, yeah…we just have to give her some time.”  
  
  
Ira squeezed Willow’s upper arm.  
  
  
“She’s a Rosenberg, it won’t take her long to catch up.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded.  
  
  
“Listen, Dad, I wanted to talk to you about your offer earlier,” she said, the words falling out of her mouth awkwardly, “It’s so generous. But it’s too much. I do need to get the kids home, though. I’m going to look into hired help.”  
  
  
Ira dropped his briefcase and took Willow by both arms.  
  
  
“Willow, please, allow us to do this for you,” he said emphatically, “I was not there for you when I should have been.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“You don’t owe this to me.”  
  
  
“It is not about owing. You are a parent. Tell me you wouldn’t do this for your child,” Ira replied, looking straight into Willow’s eyes, “I’ve already put in for my leave. So I can sit at home and read my newspaper or I can be the kind of father you always deserved and help you through this. I know what my preference is.”  
  
  
Willow swallowed.  
  
  
“It’s not just you that I’d be asking.”  
  
  
“It would be me too,” Michelle piped up quietly from the living room doorway and walked toward them, “Who also owes Tara a great deal for times forgotten. And would do this anyway because you’re our family, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow’s shoulders sagged. It would alleviate so many of her worries.  
  
  
“We’ll take it day-by-day, yeah? Hopefully, Tara will be home soon. And you have to promise you’ll tell me if it’s too much or not working for you? I can’t deal with any more drama.”  
  
  
“We promise,” Michelle smiled and Ira nodded too.  
  
  
Willow nodded gratefully, tearful.  
  
  
“Okay. Thank you. We can figure it out tomorrow maybe.”  
  
  
“Why don’t you let us move the children over and you just worry about coming and going from your own house instead of this one,” Ira suggested, “I won’t be working anyway.”  
  
  
Some tears escaped from Willow.  
  
  
“Thank you. I um…I should, uh…”  
  
  
Ira stepped aside with a smile and Willow swiped at her eyes and said goodbye quickly.  
  
  
She sat in her car for a minute or two, took off her glasses as the pressure on her head seemed to have lifted and driven straight back to the hospital. She could do the route in her sleep by now.  
  
  
She checked in on Tara, who was still fast asleep, so Willow just made sure her phone was plugged in to charge, her arms weren’t cold and she had a glass of water next to her if she woke up thirsty.  
  
  
With another little kiss to Tara’s forehead, she went back up to the NICU where she was buzzed in by Genevieve.  
  
  
“Hello, again Willow. Back before shift change? Did you have some questions?”  
  
  
“Yeah. One,” Willow replied, lifting herself onto her toes, “Is there any way possible that I could hold Lily?”  
  
  
Genevieve looked at Willow sympathetically.  
  
  
“As long as she doesn’t get upset.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Willow nodded quickly, almost jumping on the spot.  
  
  
Willow washed up in the sink thoroughly and said hello to Emily while Genevieve fetched a blanket. Willow had to unbutton the front of her shirt but she didn’t care if she had to sit there buck naked at that moment. A second nurse returned with Genevieve and carefully they did the transfer so Lily was sitting between Willow’s breasts.  
  
  
Willow gasped as they were both wrapped in the blanket and she understood Tara’s fascination with just staring and feeling that little heartbeat against hers.  
  
  
“Momma’s here,” she whispered as Lily’s hand blindly clawed and touched her, “I love you.”  
  
  
The nurses smiled and left Willow alone to her time, though obviously staying close by.  
  
  
Lily’s eyes opened, able to take the dim light of the nighttime NICU lighting and looked straight up at Willow, her eyes a pale hue of blue that already made Willow feel like she was looking at Tara.  
  
  
Willow was captivated and didn’t break that gaze for a second.  
  
  
After a few moments, she began to hum quietly, so quietly it almost couldn’t be heard at all, but she knew Lily heard her.  
  
  
Willow had never felt more seen in her entire life.  
  
  
“Hush, little baby, don't say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird…”


	24. Chapter 24

* * *

_**Chapter Nineteen** _   


* * *

Willow walked into Tara’s hospital room, surprised to find it empty.  
  
  
She looked around in confusion as if her wife could be hiding under the bed.  
  
  
“Tara?”  
  
  
A toilet flushed and the bathroom door opened, where Tara tentatively walked back the few feet to the bed.  
  
  
Willow's eyebrows gently rose on her head.  
  
  
“Hey, look at you all walking around unaided!”  
  
  
“I didn’t break my legs,” Tara replied a bit snarkily.  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“No, I know but…” she trailed off and shook her head, “It doesn’t matter, it’s great to see. How are you feeling?”  
  
  
_Anxious, exhausted, alone_ , Tara thought.  
  
  
“Fine,” Tara said.  
  
  
Willow’s brow creased and she stepped toward the bed to help Tara get back up.  
  
  
“Baby—”  
  
  
“Good morning Mrs. Rose—” a voice entered the room before a body, but then Dr. Beaver walked in and smiled pleasantly when she saw them both there, “Mesdames Rosenberg-Maclay.”  
  
  
“No lab-coat wearing shadows today?” Willow asked good-naturedly but Tara scowled at her.  
  
  
“Willow,” she chastised under her breath.  
  
  
“No, I appreciate the laugh,” Dr. Beaver held up an acquiescing hand, “I’m not on official rounds yet. I just came to say we’re ready to discharge you.”  
  
  
Willow almost leaped out of her skin.  
  
  
“Really?” she asked, a huge grin spreading across her face, “She can come home?”  
  
  
Tara swallowed deeply.  
  
  
Dr. Beaver nodded, standing at the foot of the bed as she crossed her arms loosely over her chest.  
  
  
“I’m pleased with your progress, especially now that you’re back up on your feet. You’ll need to keep resting and you’ll be limited in your activities but there’s no reason you can’t rest at home where I’m sure you’ll be much more comfortable.”  
  
  
“I-I need to get to the babies,” Tara asked with a lump of panic stuttering her voice.  
  
  
“You can still get around by wheelchair for any distance you feel you’re not able to walk,” Dr. Beaver reassured, “You’ll need to come back to get your staples out in about two weeks and we’ll do a wound review but as long as you keep up with the anti-inflammatories and pain medication as needed there shouldn’t be any complication.”  
  
  
Willow was physically bouncing on her toes.  
  
  
“When can she go?”  
  
  
“I’ve signed off the papers. Pharmacy should be ready by lunchtime,” Dr. Beaver smiled at Willow, then came up alongside Tara and placed a hand on a bed near Tara’s hand, “You’ve been exceptionally brave during a very hard blow being dealt to you.”  
  
  
She looked at Tara with admiration.  
  
  
“So remember — rest, absolutely no heaving lifting or driving and listen to your body if it’s saying enough is enough.”  
  
  
She looked between them easily.  
  
  
“We’ll give you all of the information, don’t worry.”  
  
  
“I’ve read up all about it,” Willow nodded diligently, “She won’t even have to lift her own cup of tea.”  
  
  
Tara looked up between Willow and the doctor, who pushed herself away from the bed.  
  
  
“You can go on up to the NICU. I know you're eager. We’ll send a call up when we’re ready to discharge you.”  
  
  
“Great!” Willow replied eagerly, rushing over to the corner to unfold the wheelchair that was leaning against the wall there, “Thanks, Dr. Beaver!”  
  
  
“Thank you, doctor,” Tara echoed quietly as the doctor left.  
  
  
Willow popped open the wheelchair and wheeled it over to the bedside.  
  
  
“Can you believe I got through this whole stay without laughing at her name once?” she asked as Tara shot her some side-eye as she carefully got out of bed and into the chair, “Okay, without laughing out loud?”  
  
  
She squeezed Tara’s shoulder and pushed Tara out the door, so excited she felt like popping a wheelie right there and then, but she resisted.  
  
  
They went up to the NICU and went through the hand-washing procedure; the same routine of soaping and cleansing their arms that they both went through multiple times a day.  
  
  
Willow offered a cheery hello to every nurse and parent she passed. She gave a particularly big one to nurse Genevieve.  
  
  
“Tara gets to come home today!”  
  
  
“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Genevieve replied, returning a big smile.  
  
  
“How are the girls doing?” Tara asked as she was wheeled between them and put a hand in each incubator.  
  
  
“Getting stronger,” Genevieve replied with an encouraging nod, “No big changes, no overnight events. The doctors will be around soon to discuss the next steps.”  
  
  
Willow moved around to each incubator to put her hand in on the opposite side to Tara and greet the twins for the morning.  
  
  
After a little while, she removed her hands and came up behind Tara, putting her hands on Tara’s shoulders, making her jump.  
  
  
“I’m going to leave you with the girls and go get a few things ready for you coming home.”  
  
  
Tara paled and turned her head frantically to Willow.  
  
  
“How will I feed them?”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Huh?”  
  
  
“I-I’ve been using the pump in my room for them,” Tara explained in a rushed, panicked tone.  
  
  
Willow’s frown deepened at how frantic Tara had become so quickly. She came around and kneeled in front of her.  
  
  
“I’m sure you can still use the pump.”  
  
  
“But what about when I’m at home?” Tara asked, her chest rising faster with every word, “I have to pump every couple of hours.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head to herself; feeling so stupid for not thinking of it.  
  
  
“Of course,” she nodded quickly, “I’ll go buy you one right now.”  
  
  
Tara’s jaw tensed.  
  
  
“It has to do both sides like the one here does.”  
  
  
“I’ll go find out the exact model they use here and buy you one for home,” Willow replied, taking both of Tara’s hands as Tara closed her eyes, “Okay?”  
  
  
Tara nodded, eyes still closed.  
  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
“Okay,” Willow breathed softly, “Don’t worry about a thing, okay? I love you.”  
  
  
She stood and pecked Tara’s cheek then made her way back through the NICU and out to hunt down whoever was in charge of the breast pumps.  
  
  
A few hours later she pushed into their house with her arms laden down with bags.  
  
  
Ira popped his head out from the kitchen and quickly strode across to help her.  
  
  
“What’s all this?”  
  
  
“Needed a breast pump,” Willow huffed as she followed her father back into the kitchen and dropped the bags on the island, “I had to go to SEVEN baby stores just to find the damn thing.”  
  
  
Ira looked down, a little flustered.  
  
  
“Oh, well, of course.”  
  
  
Willow got a glass from the cabinet and filled it with ice and water from the fridge. She took a big gulp and sighed.  
  
  
“Tara’s going to be pumping a lot so I’m going to need you to ix-nay that icky face when she’s doing it. She really doesn’t need to be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home.”  
  
  
“Of course,” Ira nodded diligently, then looked at Willow curiously, “Wait. Is Tara coming home?”  
  
  
Willow’s smile lit up her face.  
  
  
“Yes, they told us this morning. I needed to grab some other stuff too to make her comfortable but I’m going to go collect her soon.”  
  
  
Ira clasped his hands together.  
  
  
“Oh, this is wonderful.”  
  
  
Willow left her glass in the sink and came to stand with her father.  
  
  
“Dad, you and Michelle have been an absolute godsend. I don’t know how I would have coped, how the kids would have…”  
  
  
Ira unclasped his hands and held them in front of him, smiling softly.  
  
  
“I know. It’s time for us to go home.”  
  
  
Willow nodded a couple of times.  
  
  
“I’ve actually been sleeping pretty well on the couch but she needs her bed.”  
  
  
“Will she be able for the stairs?” Ira asked with concern.  
  
  
“Slowly at first, but yes,” Willow confirmed, “It will be a good way to get her strength back up.”  
  
  
“Well, you are not to worry about meals. I’ve batch cooked and frozen enough for two weeks,” Ira said with a helpful pep in his tone, “And Michelle will have no problem collecting Robyn in the mornings for daycare. And if there is anything else we can do…”  
  
  
“I know, Dad,” Willow looked up and found herself getting choked, “Truly. Thank you so much.”  
  
  
Ira kissed the top of Willow’s head.  
  
  
“I’m going to go change the sheets so Tara has fresh ones to get into.”  
  
  
Willow burst out laughing.  
  
  
“What happened to you?”  
  
  
“A good woman,” Ira replied with an uncustomary wink.  
  
  
“Ain’t that the truth,” Willow chuckled as they turned together to go up the stairs, “Are you wearing an apron?”  
  
  
“Do you think it’s slimming?” Ira asked back and they laughed together.  
  
  
Together they changed the sheets and then went through the bedrooms and did the same in all of the kids' rooms so that Tara was coming home to a spick and span house that smelled like fresh laundry.  
  
  
Willow paused at JJ’s old room, what should be the twin’s nursery, and looked at all of its bareness. She had everything that was needed to build the nursery, except maybe some new paint, but it was all sitting in boxes in the storage half of the attic bedrooms.  
  
  
She thought she had more time.  
  
  
She could only bear to look for a second; there were other things to focus on. More expedient matters.  
  
  
Like getting Tara home.  
  
  
Tara always (reluctantly) needed to rest during the afternoon so Willow figured it was about the right time to get over there and bring her home to settle in. Willow could actually feel her legs tingling with excitement when getting into the car knowing she was coming back with Tara.  
  
  
She hadn’t been lying when she said she’d been sleeping well on the couch; it was _her_ couch and she was able to nab Tara’s pillow, which smelled like her wife and was some small comfort to fight the nightmares. With the news of Tara coming home and something akin to a good night’s sleep on her back, she felt positively spritely.  
  
  
She hugged her father and thanked him again for all of his help and promised she’d be in touch soon. She then ran around, fixing up the last few necessities before jumping into the car to head back to the hospital. It was her happiest ride yet.  
  
  
Practically humming, she stopped by Tara’s unit first to check if the discharge papers were ready, which they were. Willow took everything she needed, thanked the nurses, and then made her way to the NICU where she scrubbed in and went over to Tara who was holding Lily tucked up against her bare skin.  
  
  
It was such a beautiful sight for Willow and she stopped for a moment to appreciate it.  
  
  
“Hey,” she said softly as she approached and looked over Tara’s shoulder to peer in at the bundle, “Hey little girl.”  
  
  
She reached in and tickled Lily’s cheek, then quickly moved off to the side to put her hand in with Emily. She noticed the incubator had been angled to face Tara better, but she didn’t think much of it.  
  
  
“Hey, koala bear.”  
  
  
Tara looked up and smiled a real smile, one which had scarce graced her face since the night she gave birth.  
  
  
“Willow, look closer.”  
  
  
Willow frowned in confusion and wasn’t sure exactly where she was supposed to look closer. She peered into the incubator and tried to look past all of the tubes and wires. It took a moment for her to see it, but when she did, she gasped.  
  
  
“Her eyes are open!” she said, almost jumping up and down on the spot; only her arm still in with Emily stopping her at all, “Her eyes are open!”  
  
  
She bent down to look in from the side and got as close as possible to look at the little open slits on her daughter’s face; weakly held open but alert behind it all.  
  
  
“Hey, Emily. Hi. It’s Momma. Hi. Oh, you have your Mommy’s eyes.”  
  
  
She glanced over and met Tara’s gaze for a moment.  
  
  
“Strong.”  
  
  
Tara visibly swallowed and looked back down at Lily.  
  
  
Willow focused back on Emily and stayed so long in that hunched position that her knees creaked with dissent when she finally rose again, having seen Tara’s whole body start to slump.  
  
  
“Hey. It’s time.”  
  
  
Tara wanted to protest but she was physically unable. Willow called the nurses over to get Lily back into the incubator — it was time for her feeding anyway and Tara had expressed that morning for them. It didn’t stop the front of her top becoming soaked when Lily let out a little wail as she was being transferred.  
  
  
“Got you the pump you wanted,” Willow whispered to Tara, mostly to distract them both from the heartbreaking sound, “With extra…bottles.”  
  
  
They both held Lily’s hand, either side, as she settled back down, and only when Tara’s head was close to bobbing on the spot did Willow start to push her away.  
  
  
She nodded gratefully to the nurses tending to the twins and brought Tara out of there so she could get her rest.  
  
  
Tara woke in the elevator and clutched her chest with a gasp.  
  
  
“Hey, it’s okay, just bringing you to the car,” Willow reassured, “You’re not holding Lily, don’t worry.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes twitched as the elevator doors opened and her whole body bristled when they first got outside. It felt like a long time since she’d felt air and it was so cold compared to how hot the hospital was kept.  
  
  
Willow had preempted this of course and settled a blanket around Tara as she helped her into the passenger seat of the car.  
  
  
“There you go, baby. I’ll turn the heat up as soon as I start the car.”  
  
  
She kissed Tara’s cheek, who pulled the blanket up tighter and shifted uncomfortably at how the seat felt under her.  
  
  
It felt surreal to step out onto their driveway at home when she’d been trapped inside the hospital walls for so many days. Everything felt open and vast and overwhelming. She quickly tried to take a step toward the house but was immediately reminded of her limitations and had to work to hide the flash of pain on her face from Willow.  
  
  
Willow, thankfully, was off in a little ramble as she flicked through the keys to let them inside.  
  
  
“…and I wasn’t sure if you would want to go to bed or stay up but both rooms are ready for you wherever you’ll be most comfortable.”  
  
  
Tara took a tender step over the threshold and held her arms to her chest. Everything looked…the same.  
  
  
Why didn’t it feel the same?  
  
  
Tara finally realized Willow was looking at her expectedly and she used some muscle memory to replay the babble.  
  
  
“Oh. I’ll, um…I’ll stay up to see the kids.”  
  
  
Willow nodded and rushed into the living room to make sure every pillow was perfectly fluffed.  
  
  
“I got you lots of pads, the big ones so you wouldn’t have to go up and down to the bathroom so much and I got new hot water bottles and one of those donut pillows and, and a shower chair so you can shower all on your own!”  
  
  
Tara gently sat onto the couch, feeling the familiar sag of where it had yielded to her body every day for so many years. But now it just felt like it was sucking her body from her as an emptiness gaped between her legs.  
  
  
“Thank you, Willow. That was very thoughtful,” she said sincerely and tried to adjust into something akin to comfortableness, “Could I get that pillow, actually?”  
  
  
Willow nodded quickly.  
  
  
“Yeah, of course!” she said and rushed off to get it, returning moments later with it in her mouth, inflating it, “Yuwahsmlanuch?”  
  
  
She popped the tab out of her mouth, sealing it.  
  
  
“You want some lunch?” she tried again, “I think there’s plenty of shakshuka and frozen knishes in the freezer.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyebrow arched and Willow just smiled as she passed over the pillow.  
  
  
“My dad cooked for us.”  
  
  
“That was incredibly kind of him,” Tara replied and tried not to look as awkward as she felt as she situated the pillow beneath her, “Where is Robyn?”  
  
  
“Daycare,” Willow replied with a nod, “It’s just…easier to keep sending her. Good for her to keep her routine, too. Michelle’s been picking her up and dropping her off and she said she doesn’t mind continuing.”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“I can…”  
  
  
Willow just shook her head.  
  
  
“You can’t drive for a few weeks, baby. Because of the—”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara interrupted quietly, “Of course.”  
  
  
“But it’s okay. Because we have a really great family who will help. We’re okay, okay?” she said with a reassuring smile and nod, “Let me go see what kind of nosh I can get for you.”  
  
  
Tara rested her head back and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted all over again.  
  
  
It felt like just a second when Willow’s voice stirred her, but it must have been a lot longer since she had a plate in her hand with a cup of tea.  
  
  
“Okay, I whipped you up some matzo brei but he actually put some brisket in the oven so dinner is all—” Willow stopped as she noticed she was rousing Tara from sleep, “I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
“It’s okay, I’m hungry,” Tara replied sluggishly, actually forgetting for a moment the situation she was in until her breasts began to ache, “And I need to pump.”  
  
  
Willow quickly left Tara’s lunch down on the end table beside her.  
  
  
“I’ll get you the pump.”  
  
  
Tara looked down at the cinnamon tea; the drink she’d had every day of her pregnancy and looked down at her belly, still rounder than before but with none of the swollen fullness of when her two little babies had been in there.  
  
  
Safely.  
  
  
Her eyes glazed over with tears as she felt like such a useless mother, unable to do the one basic thing she was supposed to do for her children. She took in a large gasping breath when she heard Willow’s footsteps on the stairs and quickly grabbed the pump when it was presented to her so she could at least do _something_ for them.  
  
  
“Tara, are you okay?” Willow asked with a frown.  
  
  
Tara didn’t quite meet her gaze.  
  
  
“Willow, you need to bring this back to the hospital when I’m done.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow creased uncomfortably.  
  
  
“Didn’t they say we can keep it in the freezer and bring it in in a cool bag?”  
  
  
“At nighttime, but I want them to have fresh as much as possible,” Tara rushed off quickly.  
  
  
Willow slowly sat down on the edge of the coffee table.  
  
  
“I don’t want to leave you here alone. What if you needed something?”  
  
  
Tara’s breath quickened but she hid it.  
  
  
“I can walk. I just have to be careful.”  
  
  
Willow reached to scratch her ear, considering it.  
  
  
“I guess JJ will be home soon. And I would like to hold Lily today,” she said with a little pained pang in her tone, “Keep your phone on?”  
  
  
“I will,” Tara nodded quickly.  
  
  
Willow stood up on the spot and bent down in front of Tara, leaving her hands in Tara’s lap. She looked at her longingly.  
  
  
“We missed you, Tara.”  
  
  
Tara felt like her whole body was quaking with the feeling of despair trying to crush her.  
  
  
“I missed you too.”  
  
  
Willow smiled and put the plate back in Tara’s lap.  
  
  
“Eat your lunch. Keep your strength up.”  
  
  
Tara just nodded quickly and waited tensely to the sound of the whirring pump. She ate what she could because she knew her body needed fuel to produce milk and in a back corner of her mind she remembered the promise she’d made Willow not to do anything to risk their family. She couldn’t fail them all again.  
  
  
When the pump finished, she busied herself with securing the bottles and putting the little labels the NICU had printed for them to make sure they knew which milk to use. She secured it in the little cooler and called up to Willow to tell her it was ready.  
  
  
Willow made sure Tara was set up with everything she might need and made off with the cooler and a triple kiss to Tara’s cheek, which made Tara’s eyes flash with guilt.  
  
  
As soon as she heard Willow’s car pull out of the driveway, her body jerked as she stopped tensing every muscle and a breath released in a strained exhale.  
  
  
She closed her eyes tight, shook her head, and clenched her jaw, but it did nothing to stop the tears that began to flow down her cheeks.  
  
  
She silently cried herself into sleep again and actually got some real rest despite the less than restful feelings that had prompted it.  
  
  
She felt okay when she woke up, though wished she’d asked to go with Willow now. That was until she realized she’d been woken by something and it was the shouts of young children. She looked out the window and saw the school bus driving off, then the sound of a key in the door.  
  
  
“Gramps?”  
  
  
Tara felt her heart skip with something other than dread.  
  
  
“Jake?”  
  
  
“Mom?!” JJ’s voice called out from the hallway, followed by the thump of his backpack on the floor as he ran in and saw Tara, “Mom!”  
  
  
His voice and eyes were lit up but he seemed to remember just short that he couldn’t jump all over Tara. Instead, he fell into the seat beside her and wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled his head into her chest.  
  
  
“Mom!”  
  
  
“Hello my boy,” Tara greeted softly, kissing the top of JJ’s head, “I missed you so much.”  
  
  
She ignored the fact that his squeezing was still a bit tight because it felt so warm.  
  
  
“I heard you’re being the best big brother.”  
  
  
JJ pulled his head back excitedly.  
  
  
“Are the babies here too?”  
  
  
Tara swallowed a lump.  
  
  
“Not yet, sweetie,” she shook her head, “Not yet.”  
  
  
“Oh,” JJ replied sadly, “But you are?”  
  
  
He looked so hopeful and Tara felt a peace settle over her.  
  
  
She hadn’t failed them _all_.  
  
  
There was someone here she could still ‘mom’. She took his cheeks in her hands.  
  
  
“I’m here, little love. Let me get you a snack.”  
  
  
“No, I can do it!” JJ replied, jumping up quickly. He made a move to go out the door, then ran back to hug Tara again, gentle and tender, “I’m so glad you’re home, Mommy.”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes, hiding a different kind of tear this time.  
  
  
She hadn’t been ‘Mommy’ in a while.  
  
  
She closed the hug and felt the love from her sweet son and kissed the side of his face several times.  
  
  
This was what she’d promised. This was what she had to remember in those worst moments when she didn’t want to keep the promise at all. She tried to pretend those never existed.  
  
  
“Me too, Jakey. Me too. Do you know what happened?”  
  
  
JJ nodded under Tara’s chin and looked up.  
  
  
“Momma told me you got your baby bag out when the twins were born so we have to be really careful in case you get poked and bleed inside. Don’t worry Mom, I’ll protect you.”  
  
  
He hugged her again, then pulled away and smiled.  
  
  
“Do you wanna challah roll, Mom?”  
  
  
Tara cracked a smile at Ira’s obvious influence. She had a lot to thank him for.  
  
  
“I’m okay honey, I had lunch not too long ago. You go get one for yourself.”  
  
  
JJ hurried off into the kitchen and when he returned minutes later he had a glass of milk in one hand and a challah roll in the other piled high with Nutella. Tara let it go because that big smile was still plastered on his face as he sat on the floor at the coffee table and really, she hadn’t been here. She didn’t know what had been allowed.  
  
  
Behind JJ, Woofy followed and Tara suddenly realized he must have been home the whole time, which of course he was. Where else would he be?  
  
  
“Woofy,” she said in surprise, and he came over and jumped on the couch beside her to say hello, “Where was he?”  
  
  
“In the back yard,” JJ answered around a big mouthful of bread.  
  
  
Tara scratched Woofy’s head and he put his chin on her thigh, showing his appreciation.  
  
  
“I didn’t know, I would have let him in.”  
  
  
“It’s okay, Mom, he likes it back there,” JJ looked back with chocolate smeared on his lips, “I think he has a crush on the dog next door.”  
  
  
Tara found herself amused at the thought.  
  
  
“The little sausage dog?”  
  
  
JJ nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah, he pokes his head through the fence to see her. Maybe they can have puppies!”  
  
  
“Sorry honey, but Woofy was neutered,” Tara let him down gently, “That means he can’t have any puppies.”  
  
  
Woofy put his paw over his nose in dissatisfaction at the reminder.  
  
  
“Oh,” JJ replied sadly, “Poor Woofs. I think he wants to be a Daddy.”  
  
  
Tara looked over at JJ curiously.  
  
  
“Why do you think that?”  
  
  
JJ shrugged one shoulder as he dipped some challah in his milk.  
  
  
“He just thinks it looks cool,” he surmised and popped the last bit of his snack into his mouth, “Will you help me do my homework, Mom?”  
  
  
“Of course,” Tara replied and found herself going on autopilot, “Bring your dishes to the sink, please. And wash your face.”  
  
  
JJ smiled even wider and jumped up to do everything he was instructed, apparently thrilled to do so.  
  
  
Some normality.  
  
  
He came back with his backpack and sat where he was before, at Tara’s feet. Whilst Tara helped him pick out his trapezoids from his parallelograms and gently petted Woofy, she surprised herself at how normal she felt too.  
  
  
When JJ was finishing up there was another key in the door and Woofy’s head rose in alert and he jumped down to investigate. There was a shrill, excited squeal that Tara recognized and found her own heart speeding up with excitement.  
  
  
Michelle walked through into the living room, where Robyn was squirming to get out of her arms.  
  
  
“There’s my little bean!” Tara said affectionately, turning her body softly toward them.  
  
  
“Remember gently, like we talked about,” Michelle encouraged as she set Robyn down but held her by the back of her overalls so she didn’t run and jump at Tara.  
  
  
She helped Robyn climb up onto the couch and into Tara’s lap without incident and pressed a kiss to her niece’s cheek while she was close.  
  
  
“So glad you’re home sweetheart. Willow called me. She’s on her way back too. She asked me to take the brisket out of the oven.”  
  
  
“I can—can’t, can I?” Tara started and swallowed as she was reminded yet again of her broken body but Robyn didn’t let her dwell too much as she vied for attention, “Hi baby, I see you. Mommy is so happy to see you.”  
  
  
Michelle snuck off to take care of dinner after kissing JJ hello.  
  
  
“Mom-mee, Mom-mee, Mom-mee!”  
  
  
“Robbie, Robbie, Robbie,” Tara countered sweetly, “Don’t bounce on me, good girl.”  
  
  
Her voice was gentle but that swirling feeling of being out of control was starting to settle over her again as she realized how catastrophic an excited foot to the gut would be.  
  
  
In all the jostling, Tara noticed the pacifier hooked onto Robyn’s shirt. She clutched it in confusion.  
  
  
“What are you doing with this?”  
  
  
Robyn’s cheeks suddenly went red and her nostrils flared angrily as she snatched it back.  
  
  
“MINE!”  
  
  
Tara’s weary eyes widened.  
  
  
“Don’t snatch, Rob—”  
  
  
“No!” Robyn screamed, having gone from 0 to 100 in less than a second.  
  
  
Tara had to bring her arms in front of her to protect her middle from attack at the way Robyn was blowing up.  
  
  
“Robyn stop, you’re going to hurt me.”  
  
  
“Robyn STOP!” JJ screamed and pulled Robyn right off of Tara to the floor, where she began to kick and scream and cry.  
  
  
JJ looked up at Tara with concern.  
  
  
“Mom, are you okay? Did she hurt you?”  
  
  
“No, sweetheart, I’m okay,” Tara replied though her heart was hammering in her chest.  
  
  
“Tara?” Michelle asked from the doorway, having rushed in when she heard the screeching.  
  
  
“I’m okay, she didn’t kick me,” Tara said, gently pressing her own stomach as if to check.  
  
  
The front door slammed and then Willow was in the room, trying to assess the chaos.  
  
  
“What’s going on?!”  
  
  
JJ stood between Tara and Robyn helplessly.  
  
  
“She almost kicked Mom.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes flew to Tara.  
  
  
“Are you okay?!”  
  
  
“Yes,” Tara affirmed for the third time but was more focused on her daughter in hysterics on the floor, “But she’s not.”  
  
  
Willow quickly hurried over and plucked Robyn up into her arms.  
  
  
“C’mon Robbie.”  
  
  
She brought Robyn out of the room and Tara noticed as they passed that there was a small, darker patch on the seat of Robyn’s overalls.  
  
  
The crying subsided as they went upstairs and the others were left in a tense room.  
  
  
“JJ, will you help me in the kitchen?” Michelle asked just to break it, “The table needs to be set.”  
  
  
“No,” Tara said suddenly and brought herself to a ginger standing position, “Thank you so much for everything, Michelle. But I can set my table. I can do that, at the very least.”  
  
  
She looked at Michelle as surely as she could and Michelle nodded that she understood. She came over to kiss Tara’s cheek again.  
  
  
“On the end of the phone if you need us,” she said, keeping Tara’s gaze for a moment.  
  
  
Tara nodded sincerely.  
  
  
“I can never thank you enough,” she said, her voice starting to break, but she reined it in.  
  
  
“You never have to,” Michelle smiled back, “JJ, I’ll see you soon. I think Grandpa is bringing you to basketball this weekend.”  
  
  
“Bye,” JJ waved, hovering close to Tara.  
  
  
She left again and Tara put an arm around JJ’s shoulders.  
  
  
“Mom, I don’t want to go to basketball this weekend,” he said when she was out the door.  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“Why?”  
  
  
“I-I wanna be here if you need help,” JJ gulped.  
  
  
Tara’s eyes closed and she stood in front of JJ and cupped either ear to angle his head to look up at her.  
  
  
“I want you to go to basketball. Okay? I want you to.”  
  
  
JJ kept Tara’s gaze and finally nodded.  
  
  
“Okay,” he agreed eventually.  
  
  
“Okay,” Tara smiled, “Will you help me get dinner on the table?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” JJ agreed easily, “I can carry the big pot. Gramps showed me how to use oven mitts!”  
  
  
“Your grandpa is full of surprises,” Tara replied, ruffling JJ’s hair.  
  
  
Carrying nothing heavier than a single plate at a time, Tara set the places for dinner while JJ beamed at being a little chef and carrying all of the food dishes in. Willow brought Robyn back downstairs, changed into her pajamas early, which was unusual because she could be a messy eater, but Tara didn’t question it since Robyn was quiet again.  
  
  
Robyn padded over to Tara in the dining room and looked up with her big, bright blue eyes.  
  
  
“Mom-mee I sowwy.”  
  
  
Tara glanced at Willow, who fell, exhausted, into her seat and started to dish up. She looked back down at Robyn and stroked her strawberry-blonde locks.  
  
  
“It’s okay. But you can’t hit or kick anyone ever, especially not me right now. I have a big owwie inside my tummy and it could make it lots worse. Do you understand?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded diligently and Tara smiled at her.  
  
  
“Do you want to sit beside me?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded even more eagerly this time and dragged her chair over to sit beside Tara in her booster seat.  
  
  
She picked up a piece of brisket in her hand and started chomping on it.  
  
  
“Mom-mee, yu go ‘way ‘gain”?  
  
  
“No baby. I’m not going away again,” she said softly, “And please don’t speak with your mouth full.”  
  
  
Robyn just leaned forward to grab more meat and as she did so, Tara noticed some crinkling behind her jammie bottoms. She reached over and touched it, then frowned.  
  
  
Dinner was uneventful, mostly Willow filling the kids in on how the babies were doing with lots of questions from JJ. Willow cleared the heavy dishes away when they were finished while Tara got the kids' small bowls of ice-cream and left them to watch some cartoons together.  
  
  
“Willow, can I talk to you?” Tara asked as she walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind her, “Why is Robyn in a diaper?”  
  
  
“It’s just a pull-up,” Willow said defensively, then turned to face Tara and massaged the back of her own neck, “She’s been having some accidents. And some tantrums.”  
  
  
“I noticed,” Tara said pointedly, crossing her arms over her chest, “I thought we got rid of binky months ago.”  
  
  
Willow’s body was tense and alert for a few seconds, then just completely slumped.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, Tara. I’ve been trying my best,” she said, her voice near tears.  
  
  
The tone snapped Tara to attention and she suddenly felt overcome by the same emotion.  
  
  
“I’ve been so focused on the twins, I’ve completely neglected my other children.”  
  
  
Willow looked up sharply.  
  
  
“Tara, no,” she said, striding over to take Tara’s hands, “You’ve been recovering from an insane birth and major surgery. You couldn’t be here. Nobody thinks less of you for it.”  
  
  
Tara rubbed the heel of her hand against her eyes, which were now starting to leak.  
  
  
“JJ’s turned into an adult, Robyn’s gone back to being a baby! Everything is falling apart so hard.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head quickly from side to side.  
  
  
“It’s my fault. I took the easy routes, I let Robyn have her binky because it shut her up for a second,” she said, tears forming in her eyes now too, “Okay, that’s the truth. _I’m_ the one who neglected them.”  
  
  
She threw her hands up.  
  
  
“This is so hard. I feel like I don’t have enough limbs with all of the directions I’m being pulled. I don’t know how to take care of all of you! I keep swinging from highs to lows. I couldn’t wait to get you home and now I can’t stop crying.”  
  
  
Willow heaved some sobs into her hands and Tara didn’t know how they’d gotten to this point so fast. Her hands hovered helplessly over Willow. She couldn’t actually deal with this on top of everything.  
  
  
“Can you do a schedule?” she blurted after a few moments.  
  
  
It had somewhat of an effect, as Willow was surprised enough to look up to question it.  
  
  
“Huh?”  
  
  
“C-Can you draw up a schedule?” Tara repeated, rubbing her temple.  
  
  
“A-A schedule?” Willow asked, brow furrowing.  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“So we have the time we need with all of the kids.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow slowly evened out.  
  
  
“I could make a schedule,” she nodded, her eyes beginning to light up through the glassy tears, “Color-coded with different colored pens!”  
  
  
Tara breathed a sigh of relief. Some part of her brain still knew how to help Willow.  
  
  
_Your wife._  
  
  
“I think that would be helpful.”  
  
  
“Yeah, I can do that,” Willow nodded quickly, taking in deep breaths to calm herself, “I’m so sorry about Robyn. I dropped the ball.”  
  
  
Tara nodded understandingly.  
  
  
“We’ll just have to work with her. We’ve already overcome it with her, we can do it again.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes filled with fresh but less frantic tears and she extremely gently enveloped Tara in a hug.  
  
  
“I needed you home so badly.”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes and closed the hug.  
  
  
_My wife._  
  
  
“I needed to be home, apparently,” she said softly and spent the next minute genuinely trying and failing to ignore the sudden aches in her breasts, “I’m sorry, Willow, I have to pump.”  
  
  
Willow wiped her eyes and pulled away from the hug.  
  
  
“Of course,” she nodded, smiling again, “No, I feel so much better. We can do this. We just need to get a little more organized. Which I am so on top of! I’ll start a schedule right now!”  
  
  
She squeezed Tara’s hand once more and didn’t see the way Tara’s spine jumped in fear.  
  
  
“Everything’s going to be okay.”  
  
  
Tara just nodded and repeated it in her head, hoping if she did it often enough that she would believe it.


	25. Chapter 25

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty** _   


* * *

Tara walked through the doors of the OB/GYN unit at the hospital, rubbing her nose as that sterile hospital smell infiltrated it.  
  
  
She gave her name at the desk and sat in the waiting room while she waited to be called, trying to keep her eyes down.  
  
  
She didn’t like the memories this place elicited.  
  
  
She didn’t like to remember, but it overcame her sometimes.  
  
  
Like right now, when the bulb was flickering overhead just like it was on the night her babies were pulled from her body.  
  
  
Every part of her body would grow tense and then the memories would flood; feeling like they were coming from nowhere even though she’d spent whole minutes concentrating so hard on trying to ignore them.  
  
  
They swirled in a flash of fluorescent lights with strangers screaming and her body falling out of her from the inside.  
  
  
She could feel it now; the pressure between her legs of everything bottoming out no matter how hard she squeezed them together.  
  
  
“Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay? Mrs. Rosen—”  
  
  
Tara recognized her name being called but she could only snap out of it long enough to stand.  
  
  
“I-I need to use the bathroom.”  
  
  
“The doctor—” the nurse called after her but Tara was gone, moving too fast to be comfortable, into the restroom.  
  
  
She pressed her back behind the door and took in big gulping breaths just to get the air into her desperate lungs. Tears pricked her eyes and one solitary soldier fell down her cheek. She took in a long breath just to steady herself and quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Slowly pushing herself away from the door, she moved over to the sink to use a paper towel to blot her eyes. She felt a tugging between her thighs and a painful stretch across her abdomen and just held onto the sink for a moment to allow her body to forgive her for her swift movement.  
  
  
She felt like she’d been in there for an hour as she nervously walked back to the waiting area but the nurse had only a kind smile for her.  
  
  
“The doctor is ready to see you. Room 12A. You can go right in.”  
  
  
Tara nodded gratefully and gently but hastily made her way down to room 12A, knocking politely and waiting for a ‘come in’ until she entered.  
  
  
“Tara,” Dr. Beaver greeted warmly, extending her hand to shake, “How are you doing?”  
  
  
Tara shook the doctor’s hand, then reached across her own body to hold her opposite arm nervously.  
  
  
“I’m fine,” she said quietly.  
  
  
“How are the twins?” Dr. Beaver asked as she indicated for Tara to take a seat and did the same too.  
  
  
Tara just nodded.  
  
  
“They’re okay too.”  
  
  
Dr. Beaver leaned forward invitingly.  
  
  
“What about you? How are you feeling?”  
  
  
Tara swallowed.  
  
  
“I-I don’t mean to be rude but I need to get back to the NICU.”  
  
  
Dr. Beaver gave a soft smile and an understanding nod.  
  
  
“Let’s check that incision,” she said, donning gloves as she stood and brought Tara over to the examination table, “No excess pain or swelling?”  
  
  
Tara settled herself and closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see her wound.  
  
  
“N-no.”  
  
  
Dr. Beaver peeled the bandage away and gently palpated the area.  
  
  
“Any trouble urinating?” she asked, “Bleeding?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head and Dr. Beaver looked at her sympathetically.  
  
  
“Discharge is normal, or the sudden urge to go. It should settle, don’t worry.”  
  
  
Tara looked lost, then blushed as she realized why the doctor was saying that.  
  
  
“S-Sorry I kept you waiting.”  
  
  
“It’s not a problem,” Dr. Beaver waved a hand and offered another kind smile, “I’m going to take these staples out, they look like they’re ready to pop. Well done at keeping the area clean.”  
  
  
Tara paused and blinked.  
  
  
“M-My wife,” she said softly, “She’s been doing it.”  
  
  
She looked down.  
  
  
“I forget to.”  
  
  
Dr. Beaver gathered her equipment and nodded.  
  
  
“It’s a lot to have gone through what you went through. It’s great to have such a good support system.”  
  
  
Tara just swallowed silently. The doctor prepared her for when she would start to pull the staples, but it wasn’t that bad. She found the brief flit of pain a welcome distraction from that new flickering light and seriously, could this hospital not afford a single working bulb?  
  
  
She closed her eyes again.  
  
  
She hated snapping like that, even in her own mind, but her impulse control on reining it in had dialed back to zero.  
  
  
Before she knew it, she had a smaller bandage on and the doctor was washing her hands.  
  
  
“You’re healing great, Tara. You can follow up with your regular OB/GYN in about six weeks as long as no issues crop up between now and then,” she said, flicking the excess water off her hands into the sink, “We’ll be in another new year by then. Funny to think about. They just keep flying in.”  
  
  
Tara got herself into a sitting position.  
  
  
“Thank you, Dr. Beaver,” she said as she stood and tidied herself up again quickly, eager to get back upstairs.  
  
  
Dr. Beaver just smiled.  
  
  
“And thank you for being the only patient to never once laugh at my name.”  
  
  
Tara forced a smile and Dr. Beaver looked sympathetic.  
  
  
“Keep well, okay?” she said sincerely and nodded toward the door, “Go see your babies.”  
  
  
Tara repeated her thanks and quickly made her way out of the unit and back up to the NICU, where Willow was sitting on a chair between the incubators, with a hand stretched into each.  
  
  
She stood up quickly when she saw Tara coming, offering her the chair.  
  
  
“What happened? Is everything okay?”  
  
  
“Everything is fine,” Tara replied quietly, “She took the staples out.”  
  
  
“Oh, that’s great,” Willow smiled, but it started to turn downward, “I wish you’d let me come with you. Hold your hand.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“Someone had to be here with them.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth.  
  
  
“Someone always—”  
  
  
“Just…please, Willow,” Tara said, exasperated, “Can you move so I can put my hands in please?”  
  
  
Willow acquiesced and silently stood aside with a frown.  
  
  
It was becoming a feature she felt on her face far too often.  
  


* * *

  
Willow weaved her way through the NICU and was relieved to see none of the doctors were gathered around Emily’s incubator yet.  
  
  
“Sorry, I’m late. Work was in a bind, needed me to talk the temp through something. Is everything okay?”  
  
  
“Just waiting,” Tara said quietly from where she was standing over Emily with a hand in to touch her.  
  
  
“Phew,” Willow replied and looked over at Lily, who was sleeping in her newly converted bassinet.  
  
  
It was a recent adjustment from the incubator, just the day before, and Willow was still fascinated by how freely she could touch and watch Lily move. Every wriggle was a revelation.  
  
  
Lily was sleeping but Willow couldn’t help touching her in her new favorite way — a splayed hand right over her middle. Lily twitched at the contact and though Willow felt a little guilty when she saw her little eyes opening, she also kinda didn’t.  
  
  
“Hey, Lil. Hi, panda bear,” Willow gushed, very gently shaking her hand in a light tickle.  
  
  
Despite just waking up, Lily seemed to enjoy her Momma’s playing and let out a little gurgle that could be interpreted as a laugh. It wasn’t actually one, of course, she was still much too little, but it felt like one to Willow’s ears and heart.  
  
  
“Tara, did you see her giggle?”  
  
  
Tara looked over from the other incubator. Her eyes were heavy and her hair was a mess but she was there for her girls and that was all that mattered.  
  
  
“Are you giggling, Lily?”  
  
  
Lily’s gaze fell away and she fell back asleep pretty quickly. Willow took her hand away and looked over at Tara, noting the hunch of her back as she looked over Emily.  
  
  
“Do you need to sit honey?” she asked softly.  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“No, I want to be here in case she needs me.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth but closed it again. Arguing was pointless.  
  
  
Instead, she stood behind her wife in the hopes Tara might lean back against her instead.  
  
  
Soon after, a doctor and two nurses approached and surrounded Emily’s incubator. There were little pleasantries — not that they were unpleasant but they were here with a job to do. Genevieve was one of the nurses and did smile and say hello, which Willow returned and Tara did her best to acknowledge.  
  
  
The top was lifted from Emily’s incubator and Willow was struck by how different it was to look in at her than it was at Lily.  
  
  
Emily was quite still and her breathing so obviously mechanically controlled. She still looked tiny in her little diaper and her skin was missing the flush of pink of her sister’s that made her seem so much more alive.  
  
  
“Hey, koala bear,” Willow said softly, swallowing deeply.  
  
  
Tara must have been having similar negative thoughts to Willow as Willow suddenly felt the weight of her wife’s body as Tara leaned back against her. Willow put her hands on Tara’s upper arms and held them there.  
  
  
The doctor asked both nurses multiple questions to make sure all of the checks had been performed. Finally, when she was satisfied, she looked up at Willow and Tara.  
  
  
“We’re going to try and extubate her now so we can transfer her to the C-PAP machine. This will mean she’s breathing more on her own but still with assistance. This may not be successful and if so, we will have to put her back on the ventilator.”  
  
  
Willow’s hands squeezed Tara’s upper arm and she exhaled with a nod and Tara nodded quickly too that she understood.  
  
  
They adjusted the incubator to complete flatness and gently moved Emily’s little head so it was angled upward. The tape holding the tube in her throat was removed and Tara winced as it peeled away from her baby’s thin, delicate skin.  
  
  
The tube was pulled and the area around Emily’s mouth was suctioned and then a plastic mask was placed over her to keep her breathing while the C-PAP was moved into place. It was more plastic tubes, but situated over her mouth and not down her little throat.  
  
  
“C’mon, Em,” Willow whispered, her foot fidgeting nervously.  
  
  
It felt like a long time for them to get everything in place but in reality, it wasn’t. Finally, they heard the beeping of Emily’s heart and respiratory rate continue in a steady rhythm. They watched Emily’s chest rise while also witnessing her little tongue moving around her mouth.  
  
  
“Take a few seconds with her,” Genevieve advised while she helped the other nurse check Emily over from the other side.  
  
  
Tara quickly stepped forward and as soon as she touched Emily’s arm, her little eyes tried their best to open. Tara laughed quietly, hiding a cry.  
  
  
“Hey, baby girl.”  
  
  
“Hey sweetheart,” Willow said from right behind her, reaching it to stroke Emily’s leg where she really only got touched during diaper changes because it wasn't easy to reach down there from the armhole in the incubator without the fear of dislodging one of her many wires, “It’s Momma and Mommy.”  
  
  
It was just seconds but it was precious.  
  
  
The doctor removed her gloves.  
  
  
“The procedure was successful. We’ll continue to monitor her. If her stats remain steady for the next 24-48 hours it will be an excellent sign, but do be prepared that sometimes we have to return the infants to ventilation.”  
  
  
Tara gulped and Willow nodded this time.  
  
  
“She can do it. I know she can,” she said resolutely.  
  
  
Tara looked at Willow with tears filling her eyes and then back at Emily.  
  
  
“That’s a mini-resolve face if ever I saw one.”  
  
  
That broke Willow and she looked away to bury her face in her hands.  
  
  
Emily was settled back into her incubator and Tara fell back into a chair, her legs almost completely going from under her.  
  
  
Willow swiped at her eyes but no other parents looked at her strangely. They were all in the exact same position. Everyone’s sleeves were wet with tears as their own babies progressed and regressed.  
  
  
She put her arm back into the incubator as she was accustomed.  
  
  
“You got this koala bear,” she whispered with a sniffle.  
  
  
Emily’s eyes were still struggling to stay open and Willow looked right into them until they finally closed for good and her fast little heartbeat settled into a somewhat slower, restful one.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she said to the nurses and doctor who were finishing writing up what they needed to.  
  
  
“Thank you,” Tara echoed with a deep sigh.  
  
  
They were both watching the machines like a hawk, ensuring Emily’s respiration rate stayed where it needed to.  
  
  
They stayed in that tense state, not even realizing they were doing it. Hyper-vigilance had become a natural state of being.  
  
  
“It’s time for Lily to have a feed,” Genevieve approached after giving them some time to recover from the trauma of watching your baby go through any kind of procedure.  
  
  
Willow glanced over to Tara. She would have loved to hold Lily for that but she thought she ought to be gracious.  
  
  
“Do you want to give her the bottle?”  
  
  
“I know it’s been a big day but do you want to try breastfeeding again?” Genevieve suggested gently, “I think she’s up for it. Her sucking reflex has really developed and she’s been taking the bottle without issue.”  
  
  
“Of course I’ll try,” Tara replied, her chest rising fast like Emily’s.  
  
  
She loosened her shirt so Lily could be placed on her chest. Willow quickly wrapped the blanket around them like she’d learned to when it had fallen off one day and Tara had started screaming in a panic that Lily would lose heat.  
  
  
Tara settled Lily, nestled at her breast. She looked down at her little girl growing stronger and stronger each day and desperately hoped her body wouldn't fail her tiny baby again.  
  
  
She expressed some milk with her fingers to encourage Lily and gently rubbed it on her lips. Lily tried to wrap her lips around the tip of Tara’s finger, so Tara quickly guided her nipple there instead. She’d done this so many times that she had the rhythm down and usually at this point Lily would essentially kiss Tara’s nipple several times before getting too tired.  
  
  
This time, though, Tara felt the oddest suctioning sensation and then her milk flowing, but not to a tight, painful end as she’d gotten used to when waiting to pump.  
  
  
Her eyes widened and she looked up between Willow and Genevieve.  
  
  
“I-I think she’s doing it.”  
  
  
“She is?!” Willow practically squealed and came to look over Tara’s shoulder, “Good girl!”  
  
  
“Don’t distract her,” Tara chastised, terrified Lily would suddenly pop off and this wonderful rush would end.  
  
  
“Sorry,” Willow whispered and stayed with her chin perched on Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
Genevieve ensured Lily was latching correctly and helped adjust her position slightly so she was most comfortable.  
  
  
Both Willow and Tara couldn’t keep their gaze off Lily’s still weak but spirited eyes jumping between them as she fed from the body that bore her for the very first time.  
  
  
Where their hearts had been pounding with dread just minutes before, now it was fluttering with all kinds of excitement.  
  
  
Such was the capricious adventure of life in the NICU.  
  
  
They took joy where they could get it.  
  
  
And this moment had it in abundance.  
  


* * *

  
Tara stepped into an elevator and watched the doors close.  
  
  
When nothing happened, she realized she needed to press the button for her floor but she couldn’t for the life of her remember where she was going. She looked down and around for guidance and was immediately alarmed to see her belly extended out past her feet.  
  
  
And it kept going.  
  
  
As her belly got larger and larger, the space between the walls started to get smaller and smaller. Her arms cradled her stomach and she arched her body to protect it as much as she could.  
  
  
“Let me out! Let me out!” she screamed, but no sound came.  
  
  
She crouched down on her knees, hunched over into a ball, desperately crying until she found herself somersaulting and suddenly she was flat on her back with just a flickering, fluorescent light overhead.  
  
  
She tried to lift her head to look around but she couldn’t. She was pinned in place by some invisible force. She could hear, though.  
  
  
Cries.  
  
  
Weak, little cries that barely rose enough to carry through the air, but Tara’s ear was tuned to them.  
  
  
Little cries that needed her, that called to her but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get to them. She screamed again, but this time sound did come out. She screamed so loud she smashed the glass in the mirror she was suddenly standing in front of.  
  
  
Through the broken shards, she saw a reflection of herself in a shimmering, pink top sitting squarely on her shoulders. The pink version of her started to speak.  
  
  
“You think you know…what's to come…what you are. You haven't even begun.”  
  
  
The pieces of glass fell away and Tara was looking through the window of a vast wasteland; desert for miles. She took a step forward and a bald man with glasses stepped in from the side, holding up two slices of cheese. He grinned and shook the cheese before retreating again.  
  
  
Tara stepped onto the sand and looked around for something in the nothingness.  
  
  
Finally, her eyes caught something in the abyss.  
  
  
She saw two graves.  
  
  
A panda hat sitting on one and a koala on the other.  
  
  
Before she could even gasp, she woke up in the middle of doing just that, her heart hammering and her brow sweaty.  
  
  
Her insides were churning and only the thought of her legs going out from under her if she tried to move stopped her from running to throw up.  
  
  
She glanced over at Willow, who was drooling a little but it didn’t make Tara smile like it usually did.  
  
  
She laid back down and brought her pillow over her head to drown out the deafening silence.  
  


* * *

  
Tara sat beneath an old table that JJ had once used for a lemonade stand and cried into her knees.  
  
  
The basement was dark and cold — she hadn’t been down there in so long that she hadn't known the bulb had blown and she also suspected there was a draught coming in from a leaky window.  
  
  
These were real thoughts, about home improvement, she had as she cried because she didn’t even know what she was crying about.  
  
  
She had plenty to cry about, of course, with her two tiniest children miles away from her being cared for by people other than her just because her body couldn’t keep them safe for as long as it should have.  
  
  
But she didn’t even think she was crying about that anymore. The urge would just hit her like a punch to the gut that made her eyes water uncontrollably.  
  
  
She’d come to like this spot as her crying getaway; the basement was far away that no one could hear her and this little table stopped her from getting too out of control. If she was getting too worked up, she would bang her head and remind herself she needed to get back into control.  
  
  
As she sniffled from the nose resting between her knees, she suddenly heard the sound of a door opening and then saw a stream of light from above.  
  
  
“Tara? Are you down there?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head quickly and swiped at her cheeks.  
  
  
“Coming!”  
  
  
She twisted herself out from under the table and continued to rub her cheeks with her sleeves. With three quick breaths, she came up the stairs. Willow put a hand on her shoulder and Tara bristled but hid it well.  
  
  
“What were you doing in the basement?” Willow asked with an amused grin.  
  
  
“L-looking for, um,” she cleared her throat, “Extra bottles.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Willow said in reply, “Did you find them?”  
  
  
“No,” Tara replied quietly, “I-I may have to go back down.”  
  
  
“We can just buy some more, don’t worry about it,” Willow smiled, “Everyone has been in touch asking if they can bring dinner.”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“Dinner?”  
  
  
“Turkey and stuff, I guess but they’re obviously not going to pull it off as well as you,” Willow replied sweetly, “They’re getting together, but I told them we couldn’t this year, of course.”  
  
  
“Right, for Thanksgiving,” Tara nodded as if she’d actually remembered the date, “Oh, what a shame. I-It would have been great to see everyone.”  
  
  
She wondered if her lie sounded as obvious in real life as it did in her head but Willow just nodded.  
  
  
“Well, I was thinking of dropping Robbie over instead of my Dad taking her. Have a day with her cousins, give them some peace. They’ve babysat every day this week. I know they say they don’t mind but…”  
  
  
Tara swallowed. She felt so guilty about wanting to be in the NICU all of the time and so guilty when she wasn’t there.  
  
  
Everywhere she turned she was smacked with guilt, guilt, and more guilt.  
  
  
“What about JJ?”  
  
  
“He’s coming to the NICU, remember?” Willow said with an arched eyebrow, “I met with the sibling coordinator and she said Robyn was too little to come in but JJ could visit if I thought it was appropriate…which I did? We talked about this.”  
  
  
Willow reached out to Tara’s arm again.  
  
  
“Maybe you should take a day at home to res—”  
  
  
“No,” Tara gasped and her whole body tensed for a moment, “I-I just didn’t sleep very well last night. I’ll get some tea and I’ll be fine.”  
  
  
Willow nodded understandingly.  
  
  
“Yeah, you look a little tired. I guess this isn’t what either of us thought maternity leave would be like,” she said with a sad smile that she tried to turn hopeful, “I hope you sleep better tonight. Is it pain?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head and averted her gaze.  
  
  
“Weird dreams.”  
  
  
“Well, at least you didn't dream about that guy with the cheese,” Willow chuckled as she walked away, “I don't know _where_ the hell that came from.”  
  
  
Tara followed Willow with a frown.  
  
  
“Hey kiddos, let’s get ready,” Willow called out and walked into the living room where JJ was hovering over Robyn drawing a picture, “What are you drawing there, Robbie?”  
  
  
In place of a handprint turkey, there was a crudely drawn heart with lots of vaguely-people-shaped squiggles. Robyn pointed at every one of them proudly.  
  
  
“Das Em’lee an’ das Lil-lee an’ Mom-mah an’ Mom-mee an’ Jay-Jay an’ Wobbie! An’ Woofy!”  
  
  
“This Thanksgiving they’re in our hearts,” JJ explained the origins of the piece, “But next Thanksgiving they’ll be right here with us.”  
  
  
“That’s exactly right, buddy,” Willow smiled and reached over to ruffle his hair. “Are you looking forward to today?”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes lit up.  
  
  
“Do I really get to come in and touch them and say hello?”  
  
  
Willow nodded and Robyn started to frown, feeling left out.  
  
  
“Me say ‘lo!”  
  
  
“We’ll do a video chat with you okay, Robbie?” Willow said in a soft tone.  
  
  
“Wing wing,” Robyn agreed happily and bounced on her butt.  
  
  
“Come on Robs, let’s go pee-pee before we leave,” Willow said encouragingly and held out her hand.  
  
  
Robyn crawled over and Willow tried to lift her into a standing position.  
  
  
“You know how to walk, come on.”  
  
  
Robyn tucked her feet back in behind her and giggled as Willow was forced to swing her forward.  
  
  
A little while later they were driving to Xander and Anya’s house in the minivan. Tara, in the passenger seat for the foreseeable future, had gotten quite used to their upgraded wheels and the space it provided but now all she did was desperately try not to catch sight of the two empty car seats in the second row.  
  
  
“We need to stop and get a pie or something,” she said as she gazed out the window.  
  
  
Willow looked over with a wry smile.  
  
  
“You honestly think there’s one left on the shelves anywhere in the greater Buffalo area? In the greater NEW YORK area?!”  
  
  
“Me make mud pie, Mom-mee!” Robyn offered brightly from the back.  
  
  
Tara looked over her shoulder and smiled softly at Robyn’s eager grin.  
  
  
“Thank you, sweetheart.”  
  
  
“Just don’t put it on the BBQ this time,” Willow added pointedly, then added on quietly, “Even if it was funny to watch Xander bite into a mud burger.”  
  
  
They arrived at the Harris household and Willow stepped out first to bring Robyn inside. Tara looked around at JJ, who seemed to be looking a bit longingly outside the window.  
  
  
“Do you want to go in and have Thanksgiving with your cousins? It’s okay if you do.”  
  
  
JJ turned his gaze back on Tara.  
  
  
“No, I want to meet the babies, Mom.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed a small lump and with it, her own sense of failure. She reached back to run her hand over JJ’s head.  
  
  
“They want to meet their big brother too,” she said softly, “I’m not sure how long you’ll be allowed to stay. Momma will have to bring you back here later for a bit probably.”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes bugged out of his head.  
  
  
“So I get to meet the babies AND have turkey?!”  
  
  
Tara smiled and curved her hand around to cup JJ’s chin.  
  
  
“Sweet boy.”  
  
  
Willow came back down the driveway and back into the driver’s seat, strapping herself in.  
  
  
“I tried to give them money, but they wouldn’t take it. Can you believe that? Anya refused money! She once asked Xander if they could convert to Judaism because she thought the gold coins we gave the kids on Hanukkah were real and she’d get some too!”  
  
  
“She stole mine and got mad when they were chocolate,” JJ supplied from the back.  
  
  
Willow gestured back indicatively and chuckled as she started the car again.  
  
  
“I’m sure she’s just itemizing a bill to make sure she includes everything.”  
  
  
“Do you have to be so rude about her?” Tara snapped, lifting her hand to rub her temple when a steady thump had become resident, “It’s been years, can you not just get along?”  
  
  
The car was silent for a long second.  
  
  
“Sorry,” Willow said eventually, through a gulp, “I was just kidding around.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t respond.  
  
  
Willow checked out JJ in the rearview mirror, who was looking down and rubbing his hands against the seat.  
  
  
She cast her eye back to Tara, now looking out the window glumly and silently drove ahead. She turned on the radio to the station she knew JJ liked and sure enough, after a few minutes, he started singing from the back. Willow smiled that he was completely unselfconscious about the fact that he was tone-deaf and enjoyed The Spice Girls.  
  
  
They got to the hospital and Tara rushed ahead, prompting Willow to call out to her to wait up for them. Inside, they stood outside the elevator to bring them to the NICU floor. There was a ‘ping’ and Tara’s breath caught in her throat.  
  
  
Her eyes were already twitchy and ashamed. There was no room for the dread bubbling inside.  
  
  
“I-I’m going to take the stairs.”  
  
  
She turned toward the stairwell and Willow nodded at JJ.  
  
  
“See your mother’s commitment to exercise?” she complimented gently, “She takes the stairs every time we come here even after having surgery. It helps her get stronger.”  
  
  
“I like climbing stairs!” JJ replied eagerly and hurried ahead to take them two-by-two.  
  
  
Willow followed behind them and softly put a hand on the small of Tara’s back. Tara glanced over and Willow just kissed her cheek. Tara looked down to hide the tears and continued up the stairs.  
  
  
JJ was full of wonder as they arrived in the NICU, holding both of their hands and jumping between them like he was two years old again, all but begging them to swing him.  
  
  
He was fascinated by the scrubbing-in procedure and felt like a doctor he’d seen do the same on TV.  
  
  
Willow bent down to his level just before they entered the main room.  
  
“Hey, you have to be really quiet in here, okay? All of the babies are sleeping. And your sisters are in these big boxes and will probably be sleeping too.”  
  
  
“I know, Momma,” JJ replied impatiently.  
  
  
“And you can’t touch anything,” Willow continued seriously, “The equipment is all very delicate. Mouth closed, hands by your sides, okay?”  
  
  
“Like when Gramps takes me to temple?” JJ asked with another nod.  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Yeah, I had that rule too,” she said, shaking her head, “You try to open the Ark one time…”  
  
  
She smiled at JJ.  
  
  
“Just stay by us and be very, very careful, yeah?”  
  
  
JJ nodded again quickly and visibly tried to withhold his excitement but still bounced on the tops of his toes. A nurse finally came to let them into the NICU and Willow stood behind JJ to guide him as he took in the new place. She knew how odd a feeling it was to first step in.  
  
  
His head roamed around the whole, large room; taking in all of the incubators and various machinery hooked up to them. Tara went straight over to the twins; seeing them alive and breathing alleviating her anxieties for whole seconds before new ones could set in.  
  
  
Willow took the journey with JJ slower, so as not to overwhelm him.  
  
  
Finally, they made it to the girls’ spot beside the window. Willow stood him between them.  
  
  
“Lily, Emily, meet your big brother,” she said softly, “Jakey, meet your little sisters. This is Lily and this is Emily.”  
  
  
“H-hi,” JJ said, a sudden nervous catch in his voice.  
  
  
He just about remembered Robyn being born but he was able to hold her and rock her in her chair. His curiosity leaned more toward the fear end of the spectrum when he wasn’t sure how to explore.  
  
  
Tara saw the little quiver in his voice and recognized it quite evocatively. She put a hand on his back and rubbed gently.  
  
  
“You can put your hand in and give them a little rub.”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes shot to Tara fearfully and the kindness so innate in her was able to shine through her eyes.  
  
  
“It’s okay. I’ll do it with you.”  
  
  
He hesitated, then nodded trustingly and let Tara enclose his hand in hers to put through the opening to stroke Emily’s arm. When that went successfully, they went to the other side to do the same to Lily and suddenly JJ was full of enthusiasm and questions about the machines and what they were doing.  
  
  
Thankfully his other mother was an Encyclopedia Willanica on all things NICU and brought him around to explain in the least-scary way what everything did.  
  
  
Tara found herself relieved that she didn’t have to take on his emotional labor too. This only made the guilt gnawing at her insides take a stronger hold. She sought out a nurse to help her get Lily set up for some kangaroo care; the one thing she could do where she actually felt like she was doing _something_ for one of her children.  
  
  
JJ was captivated watching Lily be lifted through the air as if it was Rafiki holding Simba up on Pride Rock. Getting to the age where he was starting to get reticent about nudity, he didn’t even blink when Tara exposed her chest for Lily to be placed on.  
  
  
“Can I look, Mommy?” he asked shyly as he peered in from over her shoulder.  
  
  
“Of course,” Tara replied softly, “Holding her like this helps her grow big and strong. My skin keeps her warm and I can feed her from my breast.”  
  
  
“Like how Momma fed Robbie from her boobies?” JJ asked, eyebrows lifting together.  
  
  
Tara smiled and nodded.  
  
  
“Exactly.”  
  
  
“Cool,” JJ breathed and gasped when Lily suddenly latched her mouth around Tara’s nipple, “Did she bite you?!”  
  
  
Tara pursed her lips to stop a laugh.  
  
  
“No, sweetie, she just has to hold on so she can eat.”  
  
  
JJ watched Lily’s hat pat Tara’s breast.  
  
  
“She’s so little.”  
  
  
A while later, Willow returned from wherever she’d disappeared to and bent her knees in front of JJ, a bright sparkle in her eye.  
  
  
“Guess what?”  
  
  
JJ looked at Willow expectedly, who just grinned wider.  
  
  
“Do you want to hold Lily like Mom is? Right against your body?”  
  
  
There was no forehead left for how high JJ’s eyebrows rose into it.  
  
  
“Really?” he asked, the high pitch of his squeal the only thing keeping it from being so voluminous that it bounced off every wall, “This is best Thanksgiving ever!”  
  
  
Tara, on the other hand, had furrowed her brow so much it was nothing but lines.  
  
  
“I-I don’t know if he can…”  
  
  
Willow just smiled.  
  
  
“I checked with the nurses. They said it’s okay as long as it doesn’t cause her any distress,” she reassured and looked down at JJ again, “If her machines start to beep too loud buddy, we have to stop.”  
  
  
JJ nodded excited and with two eager heads looking right at her, Tara swallowed and peeked down at Lily.  
  
  
“O-of course.”  
  
  
They got JJ a bigger chair that he couldn't slip off from and he took his shirt off. The nurses helped with the transfer and Willow had to kneel around JJ from the front to make sure she was being held exactly as she should.  
  
  
Tara covered herself up and stood to go spend some time with Emily. She was reminded of how much of her time she spent in contact with Lily since she could do kangaroo care with her. Yet again she was overcome with guilt.  
  
  
She held Emily’s hand and closed her eyes when there was a little squeeze. Emily was really only starting to do that and it was a split-second distraction from finding herself jealous of her own son and the much-needed sibling bonding.  
  
  
She was so lost in her own self-flagellation she didn’t hear Willow calling her name until a passing nurse put a hand on her shoulder to get her attention.  
  
  
“Tara,” Willow said softly, smiling out through the window, “Tara, look.”  
  
  
Tara lifted her head in that direction and was surprised to see each and every one of their friends and family members gathered in the hallway with the kids holding a homemade sign saying Happy Thanksgiving. They were all smiles and waves.  
  
  
Even Robyn was waving curiously and didn’t seem so distraught to see her baby sisters this time, a little bigger and with less wiring overtaking them.  
  
  
Tara blinked several times and heard a phone beep.  
  
  
“Tara, look!” Willow said moments later, shoving her phone under Tara’s nose.  
  
  
Tara pulled back to try and see what Willow was trying to show her. Pictures of a nursery, somewhere. It looked vaguely familiar but she didn’t understand.  
  
  
“They did it up for us,” Willow said, choked up, “I haven’t had a chance and all the Amazon stuff was flat-packed and…”  
  
  
Tara realized that the room was vaguely familiar because it was in her house.  
  
  
That was wrong.  
  
  
Wrong, wrong, wrong.  
  
  
Willow looked out to the crowd and mouthed ‘thank you’. They all smiled and waved some more.  
  
  
Willow had tears in her eyes as she looked back to Tara, but not the same droplets of anger and sadness that were pricking at Tara.  
  
  
“We have the best family.”  
  
  
Tara made herself smile back with those tears hidden in her eyes.  
  
  
She looked out at the kind faces.  
  
  
They truly did.  
  
  
So why did she feel so alone?


	26. Chapter 26

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty-One** _   


* * *

Willow greeted the nurses warmly as she made her way through the NICU after taking a brief break to get some lunch.  
  
  
She felt good as she crossed the room, sharing a smile of solidarity with the other parents as she went by and one of sympathy with the new parents, of which thankfully she wasn't any longer.  
  
  
Today was a good day.  
  
  
She’d slept great last night, in sharp contrast to Tara who had spent the wee hours staring up at the ceiling and counting sheep made up of the dark cloud hanging over her that wouldn't seem to leave no matter what she did or what emotional umbrellas she sought shelter under.  
  
  
“Look at my big girl,” Willow gushed as she stood over Emily’s incubator and put a hand in to touch her arm, which had enough flesh now that Willow couldn’t see the veins lying beneath any more, “Are you going to breathe all on your own today? Are you, koala bear? It’s okay if you don’t but we’d really love it if you did.”  
  
  
Emily moved her mouth around a little and Willow took that as a sign she was practicing.  
  
  
“That’s my girl.”  
  
  
She lifted her hand and stroked Emily’s head but quickly heard tiny noises of protest from a few feet away.  
  
  
She looked over to Lily squirming in her open crib and quickly splayed her other hand out over Lily’s stomach.  
  
  
“I hear you, I haven’t forgotten you,” she cooed quietly, “You’re the all-seeing, all-gurgling baby since you got out of that incubator.”  
  
  
Lily kicked defiantly and Willow smiled.  
  
  
“Where’s your Mommy, huh? Did she finally listen and go home to get some sleep? Those bags under her eyes are bigger than your whole heads.”  
  
  
“I just went to the bathroom,” Tara’s voice came from behind and Willow came close to toppling the incubator when she jumped, “And thanks.”  
  
  
“Jeez!” Willow replied, catching her breath, “Don’t sneak up on me like that when I’m handling baby at both ends.”  
  
  
“Don’t tire Emily out,” Tara replied quietly, “She needs all of her strength.”  
  
  
Willow withdrew her hand from Emily’s incubator and looked over her shoulder back at Tara contritely.  
  
  
“I-I didn’t mean—”  
  
  
“The doctors are coming,” Tara interrupted without meeting Willow’s gaze.  
  
  
Willow looked up and spotted the team weaving through the NICU toward them. It never ceased to be an intimidating sight, no matter who it comprised of. Today it was a woman and a man in white coats, flanked by Genevieve and a second nurse.  
  
  
Willow moved to stand beside Tara, putting an arm around her shoulders to support her. Tara was too tired to argue, and as long as she kept her eyes open and out of the darker recesses of her mind, it was actually quite pleasant. A moment of connection that had been so hard to find anywhere while lost in her own void.  
  
  
She was a half-second away from leaning into Willow when suddenly the doctors and nurses all turned toward them and she had to focus back on what was happening.  
  
  
“Moms, any concerns?”  
  
  
All at once, Tara had to break away and step forward.  
  
  
“Her stomach is slightly swollen.”  
  
  
“Probably the air caught in there from the C-PAP,” the woman doctor mused and looked toward Genevieve, “That shouldn’t be a problem once she’s off the C-PAP machine. Let’s remove it manually before we begin, for her comfort.”  
  
  
Genevieve and the younger male doctor went about attaching an empty syringe to one of the tubes coming from Emily. Neither Willow nor Tara really saw much of the procedure as the attending doctor stood in front of them to talk them through how the next few minutes would go as they tried to get Emily breathing without assistance.  
  
  
They knew the routine.  
  
  
All previous attempts up to this had been an immediate failure.  
  
  
Finally, they stood back enough to let the professionals get on with their work. Willow retook her position holding Tara.  
  
  
They were both shaking.  
  
  
Everything felt so still and quiet with the background NICU noise just continuing on as if something momentous wasn’t occurring. It didn’t take long at all for Willow and Tara to get a glimpse of Emily not obstructed by people or her perfect little face not obscured by that big mask that had been helping her breath up to now.  
  
  
Tara clutched Willow, who held her tighter as the seconds ticked by, agonizingly slowly this time. It was a real rollercoaster of emotions and they both felt resulting nausea.  
  
  
That stillness came upon them again where everyone seemed to be holding their breath. So too, it seemed, was Emily, as the silence was broken by several of the machines beginning to beep loudly.  
  
  
Willow took a step forward and looked down at Emily from above.  
  
  
“Come on baby girl, you can do it.”  
  
  
Both Willow and Tara tried to delicately rub her feet to stimulate her, as they had every other time, trying to ignore the pain of watching their daughter’s lips turn blue.  
  
  
“Sats are dropping,” the second nurse advised.  
  
  
They waited again, then the attending shook her head.  
  
  
“We need to go back in.”  
  
  
“Wait,” Genevieve cut in and the doctor looked over at her sharply.  
  
  
“Nurse Fletcher, you know I value your opinion but we need—”  
  
  
Suddenly, Genevieve turned to Lily’s little crib and lifted her right out. Lily seemed excited to have some movement and gave tiny, little kicks to show it.  
  
  
Willow and Tara were completely taken aback and were only more stunned as they watched Genevieve place Lily in the incubator alongside Emily. Just moments later, the brash beeping returned to the regular, steady sound that had become synonymous with this place.  
  
  
Lily’s more mobile fist rubbed against Emily’s arm and then their little fingers clutched each other.  
  
  
“She’s stabilizing,” the younger doctor said in surprise.  
  
  
The attending looked at Genevieve with a look between an arched eyebrow and a blooming grin and started to gently examine Emily with her stethoscope.  
  
  
“T-thank you,” Tara swallowed deeply as she looked at Genevieve.  
  
  
“Just a hunch,” Genevieve replied softly, “We’ll have to keep monitoring her closely, but every step forward is a positive one. Even if she has to go back on the machine, every bit she does on her own is good. This is a great step.”  
  
  
Willow nodded gratefully and squeezed Tara with tears in her eyes.  
  
  
“Look at our girls together, Tara.”  
  
  
“I see them,” Tara echoed softly.  
  
  
They stood there just staring downward, watching their two little girls interact with each other for the first time since leaving the womb.  
  
  
At some point, Genevieve came up beside them again.  
  
  
“I just discussed it with the doctor and if Emily keeps her sats up we can try her with kangaroo care later today.”  
  
  
Tara’s face suddenly fell.  
  
  
“Sh-She hasn’t liked being moved before now,” she said, her whole jaw tensing, then trembling, “Her heart rate dropped out every time we tried.”  
  
  
“We know, but today is another triumph in a long list of stabilizations for her,” Genevieve advised softly, “It will be supervised, if she’s at all distressed we’ll settle her. The sooner we can get that going, the better.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes filled with tears and she looked down.  
  
  
“I don’t want her to have to go back on the machine.”  
  
  
“But if she could tolerate it, that would help her stay off the machine,” Willow said with a sure nod, “Your skin to keep her warm, your heartbeat to steady hers. Look how much it’s helped Lily.”  
  
  
She held Tara’s arm softly.  
  
  
“We can hold them together.”  
  
  
Tara slowly nodded.  
  
  
“J-Just give her a chance to get used to this breathing thing.”  
  
  
“Give them a chance to get used to each other,” Willow replied with a soft smile, “I bet they’ve missed each other.”  
  
  
She looked back down at her two girls wiggling in each other’s proximity with some gurgles from Lily and teeny, tiny quiet lip smacks from Emily.  
  
  
“They look like they’re having a good chat.”  
  
  
Tara looked down at the sight and smiled properly for the first time in a while.  
  
  
“They look perfect.”  
  


* * *

  
Tara tried to gently guide Emily’s tiny mouth to her nipple and tried not to feel the crushing weight of defeat when she was refused yet again.  
  
  
“Come on, sweetheart. Just try it out. You like my milk. You have it every day.”  
  
  
She expressed some onto her fingers and brushed her lips with it, but that only made Emily refuse her more and seek out her bottle. Tara sighed and relented, picking up the bottle on standby and settled back on the chair to feed it to Emily.  
  
  
A few minutes later, Willow returned carrying Lily on her shoulder, looking proud as punch.  
  
  
“How did it go?” Tara asked, lifting her gaze to them.  
  
  
“Aced her hearing test, that’s my girl,” Willow replied proudly as she kissed Lily’s head before settling her back in her bed, where a little Christmas angel had been stuck next to her name.  
  
  
She wiggled Lily’s belly — like a big bowl of jelly, she thought to herself — and watched as her daughter gave something close to a smile. She was just on the brink of it, Willow was sure.  
  
  
She turned back to Tara and Emily, who was gustily sucking down her bottle.  
  
  
“Look at her go. She’s sure got this catching up thing down!”  
  
  
“I-It’s great,” Tara replied with little enthusiasm.  
  
  
It was great, honestly, that she was feeding by mouth at all but Willow knew Tara was disappointed she hadn’t been able to start breastfeeding yet.  
  
  
She sat down on the feeding couch beside Tara and rubbed her back in circles.  
  
  
“She’ll get the breastfeeding thing soon. She’s just so busy catching up on everything else. Have you seen how she’s maintaining the heck out of her temperature during feeds? And all that weight gain from the bottles!”  
  
  
Tara pressed a warm baby cheek against her breast and looked down sadly.  
  
  
“Lily just caught on so quickly.”  
  
  
“I know but she’s a different baby,” Willow reasoned.  
  
  
“I know that,” Tara returned harshly, then swallowed and looked down again, “Sorry.”  
  
  
She’d been saying that a lot lately. Willow tried not to add to her obvious stress by doing anything but nod silently in response.  
  
  
“Want me to burp her?”  
  
  
Tara just nodded back and finished up the bottle before carefully passing Emily over to Willow and turned to cover herself up. She gently cupped Emily’s head and kissed her tuft of soft, red hair; a novelty and privilege she didn’t take for granted.  
  
  
She left Willow to do the burping and walked the few feet to her other daughter’s bed.  
  
  
“Hi Lily,” she cooed and Lily cooed a little back.  
  
  
She grabbed Tara’s finger and for a whole second Tara experienced bliss.  
  
  
The next time she looked away from her wiggling daughter was only when her presence was summoned as Genevieve came over to their little corner of the NICU that had become their second home.  
  
  
“Great, I was hoping to catch you both together,” she said with a winning smile, “We had our multidisciplinary meeting and we’re hoping your girls might be home for Christmas.”  
  
  
She paused and glanced at the little dreidel adorned to Emily’s name on her crib, smiling some more.  
  
  
“And Hanukkah.”  
  
  
“Really?” Willow’s eyes bugged and only Emily fussing reminded her of what she was doing. She stood and brought Emily back to her crib so she could stand by Genevieve and Tara.  
  
  
“W-what?” Tara asked in surprise.  
  
  
That wasn’t news she was expecting.  
  
  
“They’re really doing well and are on track to pass all of the standard tests we’ve been conducting with over the past few days. The last thing we need them both to complete something called the car seat challenge,” Genevieve explained, “They just need to sit in a car seat for a while so we can monitor them for any apnea, bradycardia, or oxygen desaturation and be sure they’re safe to travel home.”  
  
  
“When can we do that?” Willow asked eagerly.  
  
  
Before Genevieve could answer, there was a shrill bleeping to their left and all of their attention was drawn over there. Tara crossed the small space first and gasped as she took in Emily’s appearance.  
  
  
“She’s going blue!”  
  
  
Willow was by her side in a millisecond and went into action mode. It had been a while, but she remembered what to do. She rubbed Emily’s foot and in just seconds Emily responded to the stimulation and took in a breath, making her sats rise quickly.  
  
  
“She just forgot to breathe for a second,” Willow exhaled through a breath, “She just forgot. She’s still little.”  
  
  
Tara’s hand came up to cover her own eyes.  
  
  
“She’s not going to come home with Lily now,” the crying evident in her tone if not on her face.  
  
  
“But she will come home,” Willow replied softly but as soon as she tried to touch Tara’s shoulder, she was shrugged off and Tara turned away.  
  
  
“I-I need to use the restroom.”  
  
  
“Tara—” Willow started to apologize or reassure, even she didn’t know, but Tara just kept walking.  
  
  
Genevieve hung back until she was gone. She checked Emily quietly and looked over at Willow.  
  
  
“This isn’t catastrophic. This is still quite normal in preemies to experience momentary destabilizations, even when it’s very intermittent. You did the exact right thing. You reacted quicker than I did. And you were also right, she just forgot for a moment. Nothing more serious than that.”  
  
  
Willow just nodded sadly and Genevieve looked sympathetic. After a moment, she continued talking while busying herself between both Lily and Emily.  
  
  
“Do you have extra support at home?”  
  
  
“Yeah, we do,” Willow nodded, feeling her whole heartbeat return to normal as Emily’s hand curled around her finger, “Everyone is being fantastic. Taking care of our other kids and helping with meals and stuff.”  
  
  
Tara returned then with red but not puffy eyes and Willow slumped in relief.  
  
  
“Tara,” she said, gently lifting her finger so Tara could see Emily holding on tight, “Everything is okay. See?”  
  
  
Tara swallowed and nodded, then looked contritely between everyone.  
  
  
“S-Sorry if I was rude.”  
  
  
“You got a fright,” Genevieve said gently, “If you think you might benefit from someone to talk to, we have staff available for that.”  
  
  
“I talk to Willow,” Tara brushed her off, untruthfully.  
  
  
Genevieve turned them ever-so-slightly toward the other bed so they had a little bit more privacy.  
  
  
“Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger.”  
  
  
Tara bristled and made about checking Lily’s diaper.  
  
  
“I don’t have time. The babies need me.”  
  
  
Genevieve backed off and with a slight bow of her head.  
  
  
“The offer is open.”  
  
  
Tara just nodded and changed the clean diaper so she wouldn’t have to look up until the nurse was gone.  
  


* * *

  
Willow rolled back and forth on her heels as she looked on excitedly as Lily was prepped for her car seat test.  
  
  
“I feel like holding a sign up saying ‘Go Lily’ and waving it above my head.”  
  
  
“It will be a long two hours if you do that,” Tara replied and Willow smiled curiously because that kind of sounded like a joke, something scarce from her wife’s mouth lately.  
  
  
She chose to believe it was.  
  
  
Little electrodes were placed on Lily’s chest but she took it all in her stride, used to things being placed and pulled from her.  
  
  
“Good girl,” Tara comforted quietly from nearby.  
  
  
A little sensor was placed on Lily’s foot and she was strapped into the car seat. She wiggled around and got used to being in this new position, but didn’t cry or seem uncomfortable.  
  
  
“So now we just…wait?” Willow asked a bit dumbly after a second.  
  
  
“Now, we wait,” Tara exhaled a long breath.  
  
  
And so they waited and watched the nurse watch Lily. Lily didn’t care for any of their gazes and fell asleep pretty quickly.  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth to speak a few times, but thought better of it and tried to count down the minutes instead.  
  
  
It startled them both when the nurse finally stood and they both hovered close as Lily was de-probed and returned to her bassinet. She did fuss this time and Tara went to soothe her.  
  
  
Willow hovered over the nurse, dangerous close to entering his personal space until he finally turned with a smile.  
  
  
“She did as well as can be. Maintained all of her vitals as we hoped.”  
  
  
“Yeah!” Willow replied, victory punching the air and rushing over to wiggle Lily’s belly, “You did it, baby girl!”  
  
  
Tara’s heart was racing but she wasn’t sure it was in the same way as Willow’s.  
  
  
She did her best to smile.  
  


* * *

  
Willow watched Tara gnaw on the corner of her thumb while Willow tried to change Lily into new clothes.  
  
  
“Tara, this is a good thing. It’s an amazing day.”  
  
  
She smoothed the little gown down Lily’s body and picked her up to show Tara.  
  
  
“Look how pretty she looks in royal blue,” she said and held Lily in the crook of her arm, “Not that you should base any of your value on looks, but you really do look so cute. Yes, you do. Yes, you do.”  
  
  
She tickled Lily and that smile threatened itself on Lily's face again.  
  
  
“Let’s get you to your ceremony, little miss.”  
  
  
She nodded for Tara to follow her and Tara secured the blanket holding Emily to her chest better so she wouldn’t flash the whole NICU with her movements. Emily was sleeping soundly in there and feeling her little breaths against her breast was something of a comfort to Tara. Even if the baby wouldn’t feed from her still, which frustrated and upset her each time they tried.  
  
  
They walked to a small treatment room that had been decorated like a graduation ceremony, complete with little podium and chairs set up with some of the other families of the unit already sitting with happy smiles for them.  
  
  
Willow gave little, grateful waves to them for showing up and proudly showed off Lily in her little graduation gown and hat that Willow had maybe, possibly, specifically bought online for the occasion.  
  
  
One parent pressed play on an old CD player and the opening notes of The Graduation March began playing.  
  
  
“Walk with me,” Willow whispered to Tara with a smile.  
  
  
Tara kept her head down.  
  
  
“You just do it.”  
  
  
Willow frowned for a moment but fixed a smile back on her face as she walked Lily down the aisle, up to the little podium where Genevieve was waiting. The nurse couldn’t help but smile too at Lily’s little rigout. She did these little ceremonies weekly but this was the first time she’d seen a baby come toward her in a cap and gown.  
  
  
She nodded diplomatically as they got to her and the music was stopped.  
  
  
“Today is a special day. Today, at 7 weeks and 5 days old, Lily Lisa Rosenberg-Maclay is graduating from the Mercy Hope Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and is going home to her family.”  
  
  
There was a quiet clap so as not to startle either baby; just the tips of fingers against tips of fingers.  
  
  
“Lily is a very special little girl. Not just a daughter, but a blessing.”  
  
  
Willow pressed a kiss to the top of Lily’s head.  
  
  
“Not just a sister, but a twin.”  
  
  
Tara held Emily closer to her and swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“And not just a baby, but a fighter.”  
  
  
Another little clap rang out.  
  
  
“Today she returns with her mothers to their home with their big brother Jacob, their big sister Robyn and their fur brother Woofy.”  
  
  
There was a little chuckle but Tara’s eyes were downcast.  
  
  
“We all await the day very soon that her twin Emily will join them.”  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes so the tears wouldn’t be visible.  
  
  
The ceremony finished and Willow moved Lily’s little tassel to the other side, where Lily scrunched her face up in dissatisfaction at how it tickled her cheek.  
  
  
A few photos were taken, which Tara managed to stand up for, and then it was all over and they were suddenly faced with the fact that Lily was free to be taken out of there by them for the very first time.  
  
  
Tara sat back by Emily’s bed and rocked her gently on her chest, looking completely and utterly drained.  
  
  
“Will you let me know you got home safe?”  
  
  
Willow spun around with Lily in her arms and her little rolled-up diploma/discharge certificate in Willow’s mouth as she’d been trying to put Lily down to redress her again.  
  
  
“Wha…?” she said, muffled, then dropped the diploma from her mouth into the edge of her hand curled under Lily, “Why do I need to let you know? Aren’t you coming?”  
  
  
Tara looked up, exhausted.  
  
  
“Willow, Emily would be here all alone. Her twin is leaving, I’m not leaving her too.”  
  
  
“Ever?” Willow asked, perplexed.  
  
  
Tara shifted uncomfortably.  
  
  
“I can sleep on the feeding couch. I’ve already checked.”  
  
  
Willow had not been anticipating an affirmation answer to her question.  
  
  
“Tara, we have three other children.”  
  
  
“Don’t you think I know that?” Tara snapped, her tone momentarily betraying her guilt of not being around for JJ and Robyn and now Lily too, with her pain at her utter sense of failure for putting them all in this position, to begin with.  
  
  
How could Willow not see how she was being torn apart from having to choose?  
  
  
Her eyes clouded and she retreated into herself with a softer but still pained tone.  
  
  
“I’m all that she has.”  
  
  
“No, you’re not,” Willow stated, her words popping with anger, “I’m her mother too.”  
  
  
Tara just continued patting Emily in a steady beat; something she could control; something she could focus on.  
  
  
“I’m not arguing with you about this.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes twitched and she put Lily back down in her bed and removed her little square graduation hat so she could safely move about while they spoke.  
  
  
“Well we’re arguing about something because this can’t go on,” she said, turning back to face Tara, “I’m concerned about how you’re processing all of—”  
  
  
Tara looked up sharply.  
  
  
“Do. Not. Psych. Me.”  
  
  
Willow threw her hands up.  
  
  
“Psych you?! Tara, it’s been a decade, I don’t even remember anything from my degree! I’m not psyching you, I’m wifing you!”  
  
  
They were loud enough now to draw looks from other parents and staff and Tara made her intentions about ceasing the conversation clear by turning her whole body away.  
  
  
Willow sighed and her neck dropped, dejected.  
  
  
“Tara—”  
  
  
Emily let out a little cry.  
  
  
“Sssh, baby, it’s okay,” Tara comforted with a rock, “Mommy’s here. Mommy’s not going anywhere.”  
  
  
Across town, Ira sat patiently as Robyn plastered pink, glittery eye shadow all over his cheeks in the living room of the Rosenberg-Maclay residence while Michelle went around the room, and the rest of the house, cleaning already clean surfaces.  
  
  
They both stood to attention when they spotted the minivan pulling into the driveway but shared concerned looks when no one was forthcoming.  
  
  
Ira jumped when his cell phone buzzed in his front pocket and quickly fished it out.  
  
  
“Willow,” he read from the screen right as he answered and lifted the phone to his ear, “Do I not see your car in the driveway?”  
  
  
“You do,” Willow’s voice came from the other end, “But I have a little passenger in the back and I need to make sure I’m coming into a quiet house.”  
  
  
“Oh, Michelle, it’s happened, she’s here,” Ira squealed like a little girl, “Turn off the television, quick!”  
  
  
He grabbed the remote himself and turned it off, which made Robyn stomp her foot grumpily.  
  
  
“Hey, Ganpy! I-a watch’in that!”  
  
  
“Robyn, would you like to help me make lunch?” Michelle redirected her quickly.  
  
  
Robyn looked up with mischievous eyes.  
  
  
“‘Nana bwead?”  
  
  
“Only if I have my chief banana musher,” Michelle smiled and offered a hand.  
  
  
A much smaller one was slapped into it and she skipped along as Michelle brought her out to the kitchen.  
  
  
Ira lifted his phone back to his ear.  
  
  
“All quiet, Willow.”  
  
  
The line went dead and Ira quickly made his way to open the front door for them.  
  
  
He stopped at the mirror in the hallway to check his tie was straight and then stood at the door to wait.  
  
  
Willow appeared moments later holding Lily in her arms, wearing a new panda-themed romper to match her hat. She smirked as she saw Ira’s face.  
  
  
“Suits you, Dad.”  
  
  
Ira lifted a hand to his cheek and blushed when it pulled away with the pink glitter on it. He quickly swiped it off with the hanky in his pocket.  
  
  
“Is it just you here?” Willow asked as she stepped over the threshold.  
  
  
“Michelle took Robyn into the kitchen so you could come in in peace,” Ira replied absently as his hand lifted to touch the baby, but thought better of it and let it drop again.  
  
  
Willow nodded and stood in the middle of the hall, gently turning Lily so she faced out. The light was nice and dim so it didn’t strain her eyes and she had a little eyeball of this new place. She hadn’t known anything but the walls of the NICU for weeks…forever as far as she was concerned.  
  
  
“Well baby girl,” Willow said, though she sounded more dejected than such an occasion should elicit, “Lily, this is your home.”  
  
  
She turned back to Ira and offered a smile.  
  
  
“And this is your Grandpa,” she said as she dropped a kiss on Lily’s head, who was still just taking in her surroundings, “Or your Zayde. I think he’s still holding out hope that one of you will call him that.”  
  
  
Ira crossed his hands over his heart.  
  
  
“Oh, can I hold her?”  
  
  
Willow’s brow furrowed.  
  
  
“I don’t mean this insultingly, but have you washed your hands?”  
  
  
“Yes, of course,” Ira nodded his head, “I’ll go rewash them, just to be sure.”  
  
  
Before Willow could say that it was okay, he was taking the stairs almost two-by-two, as JJ would, though with a slower roll of his hips.  
  
  
Willow bounced Lily gently in place and wandered into the living room. There was a welcome home sign hanging over the fireplace made by the children the night before with a messily but lovingly drawn lily flower and panda face on it.  
  
  
Willow sank onto the couch and couldn’t help but feel empty inside.  
  
  
“This is it, panda bear.”  
  
  
Thankfully she wasn’t left to her own brooding silence for long as Ira returned and eagerly stood on the spot with his hands out hopefully.  
  
  
Willow nodded for him to sit down beside her, which he did promptly. Willow gently transferred Lily over to him, who kicked her legs against his hairy arms as they tickled her.  
  
  
Ira started making cooing faces and gave the gentlest of kisses on top of Lily’s brow. Her face scrunched. She wasn’t used to stubble.  
  
  
Ira saw her peering eyes and laughed.  
  
  
“Oh, she’s just like you,” he said, holding a finger out for her to hold onto, “She’s so alert.”  
  
  
“She looks like a newborn, but she’s been around a while,” Willow reasoned with a sigh.  
  
  
Ira spent a few more minutes acquainting himself with Lily, who tolerated it mostly because she liked how his big hands cupped her bottom so fully and made her bounce.  
  
  
“How are you going to introduce Robyn?” Ira asked as he pulled a funny face that Willow couldn’t help but smile at because she’d been pulling the exact same one.  
  
  
She registered her father’s question and sighed again.  
  
  
“I really thought Tara would be here for this,” she muttered under her breath.  
  
  
Ira’s gaze moved away from the baby for the first time since he’d locked eyes on her.  
  
  
“Is she not coming?”  
  
  
Willow held up a hand helplessly.  
  
  
“She won’t leave Emily,” she said, closing her eyes for a moment while feeling her jaw tense, “I need to bring Robyn in soon before Lil gets fussy and needs a bottle or starts screaming.”  
  
  
“We’ve been telling her all about hand-washing and practicing it,” Ira supplied helpfully, “And she and JJ have been holding her baby doll and asking if they’re doing it right. Well, JJ asks and corrects Robyn.”  
  
  
Willow released a slow breath.  
  
  
“Thank you, Dad,” she said, her tone breaking for a moment, “Really. Truly. Without you…”  
  
  
Ira cradled Lily in one arm and reached out the other to squeezed below Willow’s shoulder.  
  
  
“That is what family are for.”  
  
  
Willow nodded and ducked her head to hide the tears.  
  
  
She _really_ thought Tara would be here for this.  
  
  
“Can you hold her for another minute while I go get Robyn?”  
  
  
“I think I can manage that,” Ira replied softly.  
  
  
Willow stood and looked down at her father staring so adoringly at Lily. It felt such a long time coming and yet so hollow without Emily in the other crook of his arm.  
  
  
She turned away and walked out to go into the kitchen, where Robyn was sitting on a stool flinging a fork repeatedly into a big, plastic bowl. She didn’t look up but Michelle did, excitement evident in her eyes.  
  
  
“Hi Michelle,” Willow greeted with a soft wave and came up to the island, “Robbie. I have someone special for you to meet.”  
  
  
“I busy Mom-ma!” Robyn replied importantly.  
  
  
Michelle started to take off her apron.  
  
  
“I think we can take a little break, sweetie.”  
  
  
Robyn threw the fork into the bowl and climbed down before Willow could even try to lift her. She threw her arms upward.  
  
  
“Haveta wash hands!”  
  
  
“That’s right,” Michelle praised, “Will we show your Momma your song?”  
  
  
Willow watched as Robyn was brought to the sink to soap up her hands. Michelle sang softly for her.  
  
  
“Wash, wash, wash your hands, soap will make them clean! Scrub the germs ‘til they fall off—”  
  
  
“Germs go down d’dwain!” Robyn finished proudly and waved at the sinkhole, “Bye-bye germies!”  
  
  
Willow looked at Michelle gratefully and bent down to dry Robyn’s hands.  
  
  
“Do you know who’s here?”  
  
  
Robyn nodded once.  
  
  
“Wobyn and Gwamma and Mom-ma!”  
  
  
Willow had to smile at the literalness.  
  
  
“There’s someone else here.”  
  
  
Robyn’s eyes shone curiously.  
  
  
“Mom-mee?”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“Jay-Jay?” Robyn tried again.  
  
  
“Lily,” Willow said softly, “Lily came home to see you. Like we told you. Would you like to say hello?”  
  
  
“Me wave Lil-lee?” Robyn asked, her feet turning in excitedly.  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“No baby, she’s here, not behind the window anymore. You can hold her.”  
  
  
She waited a moment for it to sink it before offering her hand.  
  
  
“Ready to meet your little sister?”  
  
  
Robyn put her hand in Willow’s and let herself be led into the living room. Ira smiled at her warmly as she came in and presented Lily to her.  
  
  
“Look who’s here, Robyn.”  
  
  
Robyn looked up at Willow unsurely, who sat her on the couch next to her grandfather. Robyn poked Lily’s foot, who kicked back, making her giggle. Moments later though, Lily began her anticipated fuzzing and then let out a wail.  
  
  
Robyn’s bottom lip started to wobble.  
  
  
“She no like Wobbie!”  
  
  
“No, no, that’s not true,” Willow reassured quickly, “See, sometimes babies just cry. You cried too before you were a big girl.”  
  
  
Robyn didn’t look convinced and Willow suddenly had a brain wave.  
  
  
“She brought you a present!”  
  
  
She recalled the Before Times, when terms like cyanosis and endotracheal tubes had not yet entered their lexicons; when they were reading normal pregnancy books anticipating a normal pregnancy and had picked out toys for Robyn to be gifted from the babies to ease the transition.  
  
  
She rushed out of the room and went into the closet in the hall. After a frantic flittering of her eyes around the place, she finally spotted two stuffed toys on a shelf and grabbed one. She hurried back to Robyn, who she knew could go from zero to catastrophic meltdown in moments, and presented it to her while Ira tried to soothe Lily.  
  
  
Robyn took the little panda bear with a big R on its belly and looked between it and Lily.  
  
  
“Like Li-lee head,” she put together and Willow smiled.  
  
  
She was glad now she’d bought Panda and Koala stuffed toys for this occasion, way back when; before they ever became nicknames. It was a lack of inspiration on her part at the time, as she happened to glance at the hats while she was online shopping, but now it felt inspired.  
  
  
“That’s right, you match.”  
  
  
Robyn brought the stuffed toy against her chest.  
  
  
“Tank yoo Lil-lee,” she said quietly.  
  
  
Willow took Lily from Ira, who tried hard not to look distraught at the loss.  
  
  
She patted Lily the way she knew she liked and brought Robyn onto her lap.  
  
  
“Why don’t we sing her a lullaby?” she suggested, “What does Mommy sing you?”  
  
  
Robyn sniffled.  
  
  
“Sunshine.”  
  
  
Willow smiled sadly.  
  
  
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me hap-py when skies are gray,” she sang, soft and cheerful as Lily quieted in response, “You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”  
  
  
“‘way,” Robyn finished with Willow and looked at Lily skeptically.  
  
  
“See, little bean?” Willow said, “You can pat her head gently.”  
  
  
Robyn brought her hand close to Robyn and Willow helped show her how to touch.  
  
  
On contact, Lily smiled.  
  
  
Willow gasped.  
  
  
She looked between them and felt a tear form in her eye.  
  
  
“You’re a great big sister, Robyn.”  
  
  
Robyn beamed.  
  
  
“Me gweat big sistah.”  
  
  
“That’s right,” Willow grinned and nodded.  
  
  
Robyn suddenly leaped from the couch.  
  
  
“Ganpy I GWEAT big sistah!”  
  
  
The sudden movement and noise set Lily off again, but Robyn was too busy hanging out of Ira to care.  
  
  
Willow looked down at Lily and moved arms as Michelle approached with hers outstretched.  
  
  
“If you’d like I can…”  
  
  
Willow had gotten so used to having the babies to herself and Tara; she hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be to share them.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she said with a soft swallow, pressing three quick kisses to the side of Lily’s head before placing her in her waiting grandmother’s arms.  
  
  
Willow didn’t see her again for hours as Ira and Michelle traded her off and dealt with Robyn in the in-between so Willow could sit and just rest, though it didn’t feel like resting.  
  
  
It felt like hard labor by way of thinking.  
  
  
What did coming home with just one baby really mean?  
  
  
How did her immediate future look?  
  
  
She couldn’t go to the NICU all day as she had been, she needed to take care of Lily AND Robyn AND JJ and she’d have to care for Lily overnight and was Lily only going to be bottle-fed until Emily could come home and would she only see Tara for minutes a day and what the hell was going on with her wife?  
  
  
She sat silently, feeling like she was suffocating.  
  
  
She tuned back into her surroundings when she heard the front door open and then JJ skidded in, dropping his backpack on the floor.  
  
  
“Are they here, are they here?”  
  
  
“Hey JJ,” Willow said, needing a moment to adjust, “Yeah, honey, Lily is here.”  
  
  
JJ hurried up to Michelle, who had just finished giving her a bottle. He tenderly touched her cheek.  
  
  
“Hi Lily, it’s JJ, do you remember me? I held you in the room with all the windows. I’m your big brother.”  
  
  
“And me GWEAT big sistah!” Robyn added on from where she was playing with her panda bear toy on the floor.  
  
  
JJ shook Lily’s little hand and she curled it around her finger. JJ beamed and looked around the room, then over at Willow.  
  
  
“Where’s Emily?”  
  
  
Willow leaned forward on her arms.  
  
  
“Remember we talked about how Emily has to stay another little while in the hospital?”  
  
  
JJ looked grief-stricken.  
  
  
“You said ‘maybe’.”  
  
  
“Well ‘maybe’ is ‘really’ now,” Willow replied sympathetically, “But—”  
  
  
JJ suddenly burst into tears, surprising everyone.  
  
  
“Where’s Mommy?”  
  
  
Ira quickly started moving Robyn along the floor.  
  
  
“Robyn, darling, show me that little bear you have there. Let’s make him a snack, yes?”  
  
  
“Is pan-dah, Ganpy! Eat leaves!”  
  
  
Michelle stood with Lily to follow them and left Willow with JJ, whom she pulled into her arms.  
  
  
“Sweetheart.”  
  
  
“Is it my fault?” JJ sobbed, “Did I do something wrong?”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“No, Jakey, it’s not—”  
  
  
JJ hiccupped loudly.  
  
  
“I was a good boy and I listened and I helped with Robbie and—”  
  
  
Willow stopped and reached out to hold JJ’s face in his hands.  
  
  
“Oh honey,” she said softly, “Did you think you had to do everything right or the babies wouldn’t come home?”  
  
  
JJ’s eyes creased and he nodded.  
  
  
Willow’s eyes closed but she avoiding letting any of the tears threatening to fall spill out  
  
  
“You are not responsible for this. The babies…it’s out of everyone’s hands, even mine. Even Mommy's.”  
  
  
JJ sniffled and Willow had heard that sound too many times from too many people that she loved that day.  
  
  
“Even God’s?”  
  
  
“That might be a question better suited to your grandfather,” Willow reasoned slightly helplessly and moved to squeeze JJ’s shoulders, “You don’t have to worry about any of this, okay? Everything will be alright. And our whole family will be together soon.”  
  
  
JJ looked at Willow with sunken, vulnerable eyes.  
  
  
“Promise?”  
  
  
“I promise,” Willow replied emphatically.  
  
  
She wiped his eyes with her thumbs and kissed his forehead.  
  
  
“You okay?”  
  
  
JJ nodded and fell into Willow’s arms for another hug.  
  
  
“Everything is okay, buddy.”  
  
  
A minute or so into the embrace, the door opened a crack and a ringing phone sound came through.  
  
  
“Willow, sweetheart?” Ira said through the crack, “Tara is calling. It’s the second time.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes widened and she jumped up to grab the phone from him.  
  
  
As she ran off to answer, JJ scuffed his shoe against the floor.  
  
  
“Gramps, can I talk to you?”  
  
  
Ira smiled softly.  
  
  
“Let me give your grandmother the baby.”  
  
  
“I-I could hold her,” JJ offered quickly, then added on shyly, “I’m allowed.”  
  
  
Ira smiled some more and brought Lily in for JJ to hold.  
  
  
Just a few minutes later, Willow came in like a hurricane, gathering up her things.  
  
  
Cognizant of JJ sitting beside him but also noting he was completely absorbed in his baby sister and all smiles again, Ira cleared his throat.  
  
  
“Willow, is everything alright?”  
  
  
“I have to go to the hospital,” Willow answered quickly as she looked around desperately for the phone she was holding in her hand.  
  
  
Ira stood sharply and strode over to Willow.  
  
  
“What’s wrong?” he asked gravely.  
  
  
Willow looked up with the same sunken, vulnerable face that JJ had looked at her minutes before.  
  
  
“I don’t know. Tara was hysterical, I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.”  
  
  
To his credit, Ira remained strong for her.  
  
  
“You go. We’ll take care of the children.”  
  
  
“Lily needs another bottle in an hour and she doesn’t like getting her diaper changed so you have to be quick and there’s a pacifier in the diaper bag but we’re really trying to avoid using them if possible because it’s been such a hassle getting Robyn off it but—”  
  
  
“Go, darling,” Ira interrupted gently.  
  
  
Willow stopped, nodded once, and made a beeline for the car. On the doorstep, she met someone about to knock.  
  
  
“Hi Rose, bye Rose! Door’s open!”  
  
  
She sped off as a Willow-tornado and was in the car and out of the driveway in thirty seconds.  
  
  
Rose watched her go, a little startled, and finally turned herself around again. She moved the dishes in her arms to one side and put her hand on the door to push it open and walk inside.  
  
  
“Hello?”  
  
  
She stepped in and closed the door behind her just as Michelle’s head popped out from the doorway.  
  
  
She looked confused for a moment then moved a hand over her heart, looking like she’d seen a ghost.  
  
  
“Rose McAllister as I live and breathe,” she said as she stepped forward and a smile bloomed on her face, “Tara told me you had reconnected but I haven’t seen you since…”  
  
  
Rose ducked her head for a moment.  
  
  
“It’s been a long time.”  
  
  
She let the moment pass as quickly as it came.  
  
  
“Tara mentioned Lily was coming home today,” she explained and held up the two dishes in her hands, “I thought she might find it hard to leave Emily. I just brought some meals so they wouldn’t have to worry about cooking. Is everything okay? I just saw Willow running out of here.”  
  
  
“We’re not sure exactly,” Michelle answered cagily, “But I’m sure everything is okay. Thank you for bringing the food.”  
  
  
She took the dishes from Rose and smiled again.  
  
  
“Would you like to meet the baby?”  
  
  
“Not if it’s an imposition,” Rose replied courteously.  
  
  
Michelle just nodded her head to invite her further into the house and dropped the dishes off in the kitchen before bringing her to the living room.  
  
  
“Hi Rose,” JJ said eagerly as he looked up, “This is my baby sister. Her name is Lily.”  
  
  
“Hello JJ,” Rose said as she perched on the side of the chair next to him and smiled as Lily slept, “She’s beautiful.”  
  
  
“Oh, you already know each other?” Michelle asked cheerily.  
  
  
JJ nodded.  
  
  
“Yeah, Rose is Grandma Lisa’s wife.”  
  
  
Michelle smiled and put a hand on JJ’s back.  
  
  
“Oh no, sweetheart, you’re confused.”  
  
  
“Nuh-uh!” JJ replied indignantly.  
  
  
Michelle’s brow furrowed and Rose inhaled a long, slow breath as she met her gaze.  
  
  
“We should have a chat.”  
  
  
An hour or so later, JJ had lost some affection for big brotherhood when confronted with helping change his first diaper, Ira was dreaming about two fingers of Macallan 18 and some peace and quiet and Rose had left with promises to return after the holidays, leaving Michelle sitting very still and quiet with a slightly shocked look on her face  
  
  
The front door opened and nobody really reacted except Ira who braced for a door slam that would wake Lily, which thankfully didn’t happen.  
  
  
This all changed when Willow appeared in the doorway. Ira sat up sharply and Michelle looked over with a gasp, suddenly remembering why they’d been landed with babysitting duties to begin with.  
  
  
“Willow, what’s happened?”  
  
  
Willow just smiled.  
  
  
“Look who we have…”  
  
  
She stepped aside and Tara was there with Emily on her chest. Both Ira and Michelle gasped.  
  
  
“Mom-mee!” Robyn yelled excitedly and Emily made some noises in response.  
  
  
“Mom,” JJ said, rolling up onto his feet and hurrying over, “Is that Emily?”  
  
  
Tara nodded and bent down so JJ could see her. She was like Lily but smaller, he thought.  
  
  
“I thought she wasn’t coming home ‘til later.”  
  
  
“It’s a Chrismukkah miracle,” Willow grinned.  
  
  
“Oh, a miracle indeed,” Ira said, covering his mouth with his hands as he approached with Lily and took a good look at Emily, “What beautiful darling girls. Home safe.”  
  
  
“She just has to wear this monitor to keep track of her heart and breathing but she’s home,” Willow said, motioning to a little cuff around her ankle “But we’re home. We’re finally home.”  
  
  
Ira looked like he might cry.  
  
  
“Oh, congratulations. This calls for a toast. I have a bottle in the car!”  
  
  
Willow took Lily and she and Tara made their way to the couch so they could sit with the kids together as a whole family for the first time.  
  
  
Michelle went to get glasses and pour the kids some juice so they could participate.  
  
  
On the couch, Robyn and JJ crawled either side of their mothers and peered at their new baby sisters.  
  
  
“What do you think?” Tara asked Robyn as she helped her caress Emily’s face.  
  
  
Robyn smiled with stars in her eyes.  
  
  
“I think me gweat big sistah.”  
  
  
Tara kissed her forehead.  
  
  
“The best.”  
  
  
Ira and Michelle returned and handed the glasses of red wine and grape juice.  
  
  
“To home,” Ira submitted cordially.  
  
  
“To home,” Willow and Michelle returned with Tara saying it quickly behind them.  
  
  
As they clinked glasses, Woofy joined in on the toast and howled.  
  
  
JJ jumped up to take the set of doggy antlers from under the tree to put on him.  
  
  
“It’s barkmas!”  
  
  
Everyone laughed and the dull, exhausting energy of old was completely expelled for new excitement.  
  
  
While JJ ran around after Woofy, who kept coming over to cautiously sniff a baby foot before retreating again. Finally, he licked Lily’s foot and JJ called him away but Lily didn’t cry, she made her little scrunchy almost-smile face again.  
  
  
Willow caught it and lit up with the memory of the real one. She leaned into Tara.  
  
  
“Lily smiled.”  
  
  
Tara’s face jumped to attention and she looked down at Lily, who was going off to sleep again.  
  
  
“W-what?”  
  
  
“At Robyn, earlier,” Willow said as she took a sip of wine that tasted like heaven after not being allowed any so she could be on call to go to the hospital, “It was the cutest thing.”  
  
  
“A-are you sure?” Tara asked with a gulp, “She’s still very young.”  
  
  
“Definitely,” Willow grinned, then cocked her head at the look on Tara’s face, “Are you okay?”  
  
  
Tara turned away and nodded quietly.  
  
  
“Of course.”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Did I upset you—”  
  
  
“No,” Tara interrupted, not able to bear the guilt pressing down at the concept of ruining this moment for them, “No, everything is great.”  
  
  
She nodded again as if to convince herself.  
  
  
They were finally home and things could finally get back to normal.  
  
  
She hoped.


	27. Chapter 27

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty-Two** _   


* * *

Tara’s eyes drooped, desperate for sleep.  
  
  
Of course, it was 10 am and not 10 pm where sleep might be welcome and she couldn’t just fall asleep on the spot when all of the family was here.  
  
  
So she sat slumped into the couch with barely-able-to-keep-open eyes and tried to drown out the once-joyful sound of her children playing with their new toys on Christmas morning.  
  
  
She was teetering somewhere in the existence of delirium when suddenly a loud sound cut through everything with a sharp trill.  
  
  
Tara’s lethargic eyes became as wide as saucers and she dropped from the couch onto the floor on all floors and flung herself toward where Emily and Lily were laying on their mat on the floor.  
  
  
“Emily,” she screeched as she repeatedly ran her finger up and down the sole of her youngest daughter’s foot, “Emily, breath!”  
  
  
Emily’s face was scrunched in distaste at the loud sound but then Tara heard several distinct puffs of breath and took in a long breath of her own.  
  
  
Emily was breathing.  
  
  
So why was the alarm still going off?  
  
  
She moved her hand up to Emily’s ankle and realized the cuff was gone. She looked all around and spotted Robyn holding it, looking a bit shocked.  
  
  
Tara grabbed it off of her.  
  
  
“You can never take this off of her, ever.”  
  
  
Robyn made a small pout.  
  
  
“I play, Mom-mee.”  
  
  
“You can’t play with this!” Tara replied, pained and drained.  
  
  
Robyn’s lower lip protruded.  
  
  
“I sowwy Mom-mee.”  
  
  
“She didn’t know, Mom,” JJ cut in from behind, his brow furrowed too.  
  
  
Tara was dangerously close to tears.  
  
  
“We told you both!”  
  
  
She wasn’t loud but the tension was palpable.  
  
  
“She’s just little,” JJ replied a bit timidly, “She didn’t mean it.”  
  
  
Just then Willow skidded in with just one sock on, having abandoned getting dressed mid-way through.  
  
  
“What’s going on?” she said, falling toward them all the same way Tara had, “I heard the alarm.”  
  
  
With shaking hands, Tara secured the cuff back around Emily’s ankle.  
  
  
“Robyn took the cuff off,” she said quietly, with a tensed jaw.  
  
  
Willow could see the quake in Tara’s movements and the scared look on Robyn’s face. JJ looked frustrated and maybe even angry and that startled her all the more.  
  
  
She reached for Robyn and held her gently in her lap.  
  
  
“Okay, Robyn, we don’t touch that. It keeps Emily safe and she has to wear it all the time. You won’t ever touch it again, yeah? Promise?”  
  
  
“I pwomise Mom-ma, I sowwy!” Robyn burst into tears and buried her face into Willow’s chest, “I ‘urt Em-lee?”  
  
  
“No, baby, Emily is okay,” Willow comforted, turning Robyn around to show her the babies wiggling happily again, “Look, she loves the little dinosaur you drew her up on her mobile.”  
  
  
Willow waved the little homemade picture they’d clipped on when Robyn drew them as thank yous to the babies for giving her the new panda and koala bear toys they’d ‘gifted’ her. She’d chosen to draw them a dinosaur and a shark, which didn’t quite offer the same cuddly motif as the rest of the animals on the mobile, but they were drawn with love, so up they went.  
  
  
“Give your baby sisters a kiss, a nice gentle one,” Willow advised, leaning down with Robyn so she could press her mouth to Emily and then Lily’s forehead, “Good girl, now give your Mommy a hug.”  
  
  
Robyn looked up at Tara with her big, blue eyes and slowly crawled into her lap, where Tara closed the embrace gently. Willow patted Tara’s back and Robyn’s back at the same time.  
  
  
“Everyone got a little fright but everything is all okay.”  
  
  
She looked over to JJ to see if he needed any reassurance but he was already going back to his games console.  
  
  
“Robbie, you wanna play two-player?”  
  
  
Robyn smiled and sprang out of Tara’s arms.  
  
  
“Yah!”  
  
  
She toddled away happily, all forgotten, but the slightly confused look on JJ’s face directed toward her hit Tara right in the heart.  
  
  
Never had she felt like a bigger piece of shit.  
  
  
Willow guided Tara back up to the couch and exhaled.  
  
  
“I know, my heart stopped when I heard it too. It’s okay, though. Take a breath.”  
  
  
Tara tried but nothing seemed to be able to fully fill her lungs.  
  
  
It appeared as though she was breathing normally again though, as Willow suddenly turned to her excitedly.  
  
  
“Close your eyes.”  
  
  
Tara frowned. Did Willow not realize how big a request she was asking?  
  
  
“Close your eyes,” Willow insisted playfully.  
  
  
Tara realized Willow just meant for a moment and so obliged.  
  
  
Something was quickly placed in her lap.  
  
  
“Open.”  
  
  
Tara opened her eyes and looked down at an envelope atop a wrapped gift.  
  
  
“Willow, I…” she stopped and swallowed, swamped by guilt, “I didn’t get you anything.”  
  
  
“You mean apart from the two mini-mes?” Willow smiled down at the floor then back up at Tara tenderly, “You gave me everything.”  
  
  
She pressed a long kiss on Tara’s cheek.  
  
  
“Open it, open it!”  
  
  
Tara turned it over in her hands, trying to beat the shake, and managed to open it. There was a sweet verse to a wonderful wife inside. Tara felt nothing like one.  
  
  
She let the card fall to the side and unwrapped the gift. It was a frame, one she recognized because Willow had already given it to her once before. Exactly one year ago.  
  
  
Except this time, it had a photo inside.  
  
  
Lily and Emily in their crib together for the first time, sleeping peacefully, finally home.  
  
  
Willow smiled down at it.  
  
  
“I told you that that’s where we’d put the very first photo of our new baby. I just didn’t know it would be babies.”  
  
  
Tara gulped.  
  
  
“T-thank…thank you, Willow. That’s very sweet.”  
  
  
“And it’s not even the best part,” Willow replied excitedly, “I’m giving you a day off! Whenever you choose. You get to go and do whatever you want. I’ll take care of all the kiddos, don’t you worry. They won’t even know you’re gone.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed.  
  
  
That sounded about right.  
  
  
She couldn’t blame Willow for not wanting her around.  
  
  
She also couldn’t even fathom the thought of leaving the babies for an hour, let alone a day.  
  
  
“T-Thank you,” she said eventually, quietly.  
  
  
“You’re welcome,” Willow replied, though with a small frown.  
  
  
She sat back on the couch to look at the new toys spread out over the floor.  
  
  
“God bless my Dad, huh? I’ve barely had a chance to even think about the holidays. He had it figured out before I even asked! He even organized _Christmas_ presents, though it probably killed him.”  
  
  
Tara nodded swiftly.  
  
  
“Y-yes, yes,” she said, feeling so inconsiderate, “I’ll thank him.”  
  
  
Stupid Tara. Should have done that already.  
  
  
Willow’s eyes averted to the children.  
  
  
“Hey Robyn, Jake,” she said mischievously, “I think Rudolph left presents outside.”  
  
  
The kids both looked at each other and jumped up, making a beeline for the door.  
  
  
“Put your shoes on!” Willow called after them and grinned over at Tara, “Okay, that one is on me. I got them snowball shooters!”  
  
  
She stood up excitedly.  
  
  
“Are you coming? We can wrap the babies up warm.”  
  
  
“No, no,” Tara cleared her throat and shook her head, “I think they should stay inside. I-I don’t want one of them to get accidentally hit. And the other neighborhood kids will probably join. I don’t want the babies getting sick.”  
  
  
“Yeah, okay,” Willow shrugged one shoulder, then nodded outside, “You mind if I…?  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Go ahead.”  
  
  
She preferred to be on her own anyway.  
  
  
When it came to her emotions, misery did not love company.  
  


* * *

  
Tara’s eyes opened from their state of exhaustive non-sleep into the dark room.  
  
  
She could hear it.  
  
  
Not even a sound.  
  
  
A pre-sound.  
  
  
It was barely audible, but she could hear it.  
  
  
She sat up and swung her legs out of bed, all the movement she needed to be able to reach into the first bassinet where Emily was sleeping. Her eyes honed in on Emily’s face and adjusted quickly to make out her features.  
  
  
About three seconds later, Emily's eyes popped open and her mouth opened to cry. She didn’t get a chance to though as Tara already had her in her arm and comforting away the cry that never had a chance to form.  
  
  
“That’s my girl,” she whispered as she rocked her gently.  
  
  
After a moment there was a small stream of light that rose over Tara’s head and settled there. Tara looked over her shoulder and saw Robyn idling in the doorway, twisting around on her ankles.  
  
  
“Robyn, go back to bed,” Tara said quietly.  
  
  
Robyn stayed there, grinning cutely.  
  
  
“You heard me,” Tara repeated firmly as Emily started to fuss, “Bed. Now.”  
  
  
Robyn’s brow furrowed and so did Tara’s.  
  
  
“Robyn, bed!”  
  
  
Willow woke up during the exchange and with a sleepy look between the two deduced what was going on and threw the blanket off of her to go catch Robyn’s hand and lead her out of the room.  
  
  
“You gotta just bring her back without words,” she said on her return and as her eyes fought the urge to close, she spotted the muted outline of a frown on Tara’s face, “It’s okay, you haven’t been here so much. We’ve let her co-sleep on her demand her whole life, she’s still getting used to having to stay in bed.”  
  
  
Tara ducked her head.  
  
  
She’d always been the one to lead their parenting and now she was making rookie mistakes.  
  
  
Her jaw clenched painfully.  
  
  
Willow didn’t see it as Lily decided to join the late-night party with a small cry.  
  
  
“Come here Lily-pad,” Willow cooed as she picked her up, “Let me get you a bottle.”  
  
  
“I can feed her,” Tara cut in quickly.  
  
  
“Oh,” Willow replied, turning in the bed, “Do you want to swap?”  
  
  
Tara’s breath caught.  
  
  
She looked down at Emily, tiny and frail in the crook of her arm and over at Lily, more robust but chomping for her breast.  
  
  
How was she supposed to choose?  
  
  
They both needed her and she wasn’t enough.  
  
  
She just wasn’t enough.  
  
  
Both babies were quickly moving from quiet mewing toward needy crying.  
  
  
“Tara?” Willow pushed.  
  
  
Tara blinked and found some part of her cognizant enough to try and react to the situation.  
  
  
“N-No,” she said eventually, her voice somehow sounding normal despite the doom trying to jump up from her throat, “No, just feed her. I-I’m trying to get Emily to latch.”  
  
  
Her heart tore in two.  
  
  
Willow chuckled, an unnerving and undermining sound to Tara’s ears.  
  
  
“3 am is not the time to try and get Em on the boob,” she said, leaving Lily beside Tara as she jumped up again, “I’ll go get the bottles.”  
  
  
As soon as Willow left the full-blown screaming did indeed start and Tara quickly tried to juggle both babies to comfort them.  
  
  
“Okay, sweetie…okay, Emmy, I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Lil, I’m—”  
  
  
She put them both on their backs and kneeled on the floor in front of them so she could address them both.  
  
  
“Okay sweethearts, it’s all okay.”  
  
  
She was barely holding in her own tears so seeing their little faces streaming with tears was not helping her overwhelming sense of failure.  
  
  
“Please babies,” she whined as her mind flashed back to being in the delivery room with all of the screaming and shouting and Lily’s little cry as she was taken away.  
  
  
Her eyes tried to rapidly blink away the tears so she wouldn’t stain her daughters’ cheeks with any more of them but it didn’t work. Everything was spiraling and she felt like she did back in the delivery room; wanting to run but locked down.  
  
  
She couldn’t run then but she could now and her feet were moving before her brain even knew what was happening. She threw herself into the bathroom and then the shower cubicle with her knees up and her breath barely coming at all.  
  
  
Some short blur of time later, she heard a yell.  
  
  
“Oh my god!”  
  
  
Basic mothering instincts kicked back in and Tara hurried back into the room, where Willow was using the nursing pillow to feed both babies their bottles. The crying had stopped but it still rang in Tara’s ears.  
  
  
Willow looked over sharply as she navigated both hands trying to feed.  
  
  
“Tara how could you leave them in bed alone like that?! They could have fallen or suffocated!”  
  
  
Tara looked like she’d been slapped.  
  
  
“I-I’m sorry, I…”  
  
  
“What were you thinking?!” Willow exploded, then her shoulders slumped.  
  
  
Tara made much the same motion.  
  
  
Everything was so loud but so lonely.  
  
  
“I'll go,” she said quietly, heading for the door, “I'm very sorry.”  
  
  
“Wait! Go?” Willow called in distress, “I, you just put the babies down wrong. It-it was just a mistake. I overreacted. You were just going to the bathroom.”  
  
  
Tara hung her head; she didn’t deserve sympathy.  
  
  
“I-I’ll go prep more bottles for later.”  
  
  
She didn’t give Willow a chance to respond and went straight downstairs, past the bottle sterilizer, and kept going all the way down to the basement to cry.  
  


* * *

  
Tara pushed her food around her plate while everyone else at the table happily gobbled theirs.  
  
  
“Rose, this chicken casserole is delicious!” Willow grinned, putting her hands over her stomach, “You come to visit us, bring gifts AND lunch? You’re welcome back any time!”  
  
  
Rose chuckled.  
  
  
“It’s very simple but I’m glad you enjoyed it. Did I even see Robyn eat her broccoli?”  
  
  
Robyn looked down at her plate, shocked at its deceit by presenting a vegetable as something yummy.  
  
  
“Can we go play the swingball Rose brought us?” JJ asked with an eager face and empty plate, “Please, please, please?!”  
  
  
Willow smiled.  
  
  
“Oh alright. But everyone has to bring their plate in first!”  
  
  
The kids happily cleared the plates and JJ dragged the box with the game in it out to the front yard.  
  
  
“Tara, I’m, uh, guessing you don’t want to come with?” Willow asked cautiously.  
  
  
Tara looked up and seemed surprised that not everyone was at the table anymore. She blinked twice and tried to recall what she’d been asked.  
  
  
“Babies,” she croaked out.  
  
  
The babies were fast asleep but Willow just nodded.  
  
  
“‘Kay. Rose, do you want to come?”  
  
  
Rose smiled easily.  
  
  
“Why don’t I keep Tara company with the babies. I haven’t gotten my eyeful of cuteness yet.”  
  
  
Willow nodded again and went to join the kids in the front yard.  
  
  
“Will we retire into the living room?” Rose suggested.  
  
  
Tara nodded. She stood and lifted one of the babies' car seats and seemed startled when Rose went to take the other.  
  
  
She closed her fist by her side and swallowed.  
  
  
Not for the first time that day, Rose glanced at Tara with concern.  
  
  
They carefully brought the seats into the living room and Rose sat in the armchair opposite Tara on the couch.  
  
  
Tara had her hands clasped between her knees and her gaze downward.  
  
  
Rose went back in forth in her mind what to say, but eventually just spoke what was on her mind.  
  
  
“It’s hard, isn’t it? You think your body will go back to normal once you’ve given birth but it doesn’t,” she said sympathetically.  
  
  
Tara looked up unsurely.  
  
  
“I-I guess.”  
  
  
Rose nodded gently.  
  
  
“The mind either,” she said nonchalantly, “You feel permanently altered from something so momentous as childbirth. It does come back to normal, though. Changed, yes, enhanced some might even say but you feel like a real person again.”  
  
  
Tara’s jaw trembled.  
  
  
“…d-do you?”  
  
  
“If you nurture it,” Rose replied sincerely, and nodded for several seconds as she considered her next words, “Your mother struggled with post-natal depression.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes widened and Rose looked off fondly as she always did when discussing Lisa.  
  
  
“She loved you so much the ache of anything happening to you was too much to bear. And she just couldn’t reconcile that such a perfect little bundle like you would need to be cared for by someone as imperfect as herself, as she saw it.”  
  
  
Tara reached across her chest and clutched her opposite shoulder.  
  
  
“W-what happened?”  
  
  
Rose held a hand up sadly.  
  
  
“Well, we weren’t as wise back then as we are now. They called it the baby blues and said it would pass. Thank god I had a friend who was a psychiatric nurse and was able to get your mother in to see someone without your father finding out.”  
  
  
She looked for Tara's reaction, who's eyes were darting back and forth. Rose sighed wistfully.  
  
  
“Such a long time ago. But she would always say she was so happy she got help before she missed out on too much of your infancy.”  
  
  
She held Tara’s gaze with a smile until Lily started to stir and almost as soon as she started to cry, Emily followed.  
  
  
Tara blinked heavily.  
  
  
“They're hungry.”  
  
  
Rose stood.  
  
  
“I think that’s my cue to give you some privacy. Unless I can help in any way?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head, gaze down again.  
  
  
“I have my pillow.”  
  
  
Rose quickly crossed the room and gave Tara a brief hug.  
  
  
“If only we knew back then what we know now, eh?” she smiled sadly and kissed Tara on the forehead, Thank you for having me. “It's been so great to see you all.”  
  
  
She looked at Tara for another second, then nodded and retreated out toward the front door.  
  
  
Tara sank back down onto the couch but didn’t have time to think.  
  
  
The babies needed to be fed and that's all she had the energy to care about.  
  


* * *

  
Tara sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the twins sleeping in their bassinets.  
  
  
Staring, really.  
  
  
Making sure she could see every breath.  
  
  
She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there now, but the twins hadn’t woken up again yet so it couldn’t have been hours.  
  
  
Willow came into the bedroom and went into the bathroom to use the facilities.  
  
  
“JJ wants to go to the park to play basketball with his friends,” she called from inside, followed by the sound of a toilet flushing, and then Willow came back out, wringing her hands, “I thought we could wrap everyone up and have a family walk.”  
  
  
Tara was too exhausted to even look up.  
  
  
“No, Willow, I don’t want the babies to go outside yet. They weren’t even supposed to be born yet. And it’s flu season.”  
  
  
“Any other excuses?” Willow muttered jadedly under her breath.  
  
  
Tara’s eyes just grew more dejected but no one could see but the floor.  
  
  
“The doctors said to keep them inside. They’re still too little.”  
  
  
Willow sighed. They did say it would be okay if they were wrapped up and had minimal human interaction, but Willow was tired too; too tired to argue.  
  
  
“Okay,” she replied with a nod of her head and an attempt at a cheerful upswing in her tone, “How about you take JJ and Robyn to the park and I’ll stay with the little ones?”  
  
  
Tara rolled her neck.  
  
  
“Just let him walk to the park if he wants to go. It’s only a few blocks, he brings Woofy there sometimes.”  
  
  
“I think that’s considered monster parenting these days,” Willow joked and missed Tara’s shoulders shriveling as she sat beside her, “So I get why the twins can’t go outside but why haven’t _you_ gone outside since we brought them home? I know you don’t have diabetes anymore but exercise is still good. Or even just some fresh air? I thought you could take me up on my gift for a day off and go to the holiday sales and treat yourself or something.”  
  
  
Tara felt the breath start to come quickly in her chest.  
  
  
“I can’t go. They need me,” she answered with a gulp, “They cry every ten minutes and there’s spit-up all over me and I still can’t get Emily to latch on so I can’t feed them together unless they both use bottles and I want to breastfeed Lily and I’m just completely and utterly failing at all of this—”  
  
  
“Okay, Tara,” Willow replied with a sigh and Tara realized she’d only said that second portion of her sentence in her head despite it feeling like she was screaming it out loud, “I’m still exhausted from all the night feeds. Robyn’s having a nap. I’m going to go tell JJ he can go out and try to rest on the couch too. Call me if I don’t wake up when they do, okay?”  
  
  
“Okay,” Tara answered, hollow.  
  
  
“Okay,” Willow answered in much the same tone, hesitated, then left.  
  
  
Tara continued to stare.  
  
  
It was near to their wake time, she could tell by the little fists they were making.  
  
  
At some point Robyn wandered in, trailing her blankie behind her and rubbing her eyes sleepily.  
  
  
“I thirsty.”  
  
  
“Your sippy cup is by the couch,” Tara answered on autopilot.  
  
  
Robyn walked over, cutely turning her feet in.  
  
  
“Don’ wan’ watah.”  
  
  
“Then you can’t be that thirsty,” Tara replied like a drone.  
  
  
Robyn frowned and turned her attention to the babies. She reached out and Tara caught her arm.  
  
  
“Robyn, don’t touch them.”  
  
  
“I say ‘lo,” Robyn replied cheerily, “‘Lo Em-lee, ‘lo Lil-lee.”  
  
  
She reached out again.  
  
  
“I told you not to touch them,” Tara said harshly and pulled Robyn back by the waist, “They’re sleeping.”  
  
  
“I say ‘lo! I GWEAT big sistah,” Robyn argued like this forgave all sins and tried to twist out of Tara’s grip hard enough that she kicked one bassinet, though thankfully not either baby.  
  
  
Tara felt her breath leave her body as she watched Robyn’s foot marginally miss Emily’s head and pulled her away, screeching.  
  
  
“Goddamn it Robyn, can you just do what you’re told for once!”  
  
  
Robyn fell on her butt, stunned.  
  
  
Mommy never, ever shouted at her.  
  
  
It was a bit of a game as to how to next press Momma’s buttons but Mommy never EVER shouted at her.  
  
  
She looked up at Tara and with a wobbling lip, burst into tears.  
  
  
The babies awoke with all of the commotion and Tara backed up against the wall. She slowly fell down with her knees up against her chest and she began to sob too.  
  
  
True to her word, Willow was climbing the stairs within thirty seconds of the twins waking to help.  
  
  
She wasn’t prepared for the scene she was confronted with.  
  
  
She rushed to Robyn first to check for injury.  
  
  
“What the frilly heck is going on?”  
  
  
Tara barely looked up as she croaked out a response between tears.  
  
  
“Willow, I need help.”  
  
  
“Yeah, I—” Willow started to respond to the chaos but stopped when she actually saw the sorrow embedded deep on Tara’s face.  
  
  
All at once, she saw what she’d hoped wasn’t there; what was so hauntingly present.  
  
  
It was her turn to fall onto her butt, stunned as it hit her like a gust of hot air, except it chilled her to the bone.  
  
  
Tara didn’t need help, she needed _help_.  
  
  
She swallowed to get some moisture in her mouth.  
  
  
“I-I know.”  
  
  
She blinked several times and looked down shamefully.  
  
  
“I know.”  
  
  
Finally, her ears tuned back into all the screaming and she started to look around. She stood and physically lifted Robyn out of the room because she was the easiest to control right now. Robyn's tears stopped pretty quick when Willow placed a plate of cookies and her iPad in front of her.  
  
  
Willow returned to the bedroom where everyone had stopped crying and Tara was sitting by the babies, gently rubbing their legs to calm them — or herself, Willow wasn’t sure — down.  
  
  
“Okay, I let her have unlimited screen time so she’s happy and quiet. I put on old episodes of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood to lessen the guilt.”  
  
  
Tara didn’t respond even after Willow waited.  
  
  
“Tara?” Willow prompted after another moment.  
  
  
Tara seemed startled that Willow was back in the room and held her hands up meekly.  
  
  
“I-I’m just playing with them.”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“I know.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes grew downcast and her voice meek.  
  
  
“Please don’t take them away from me.”  
  
  
Willow dropped to her knees.  
  
  
“Tara, no one is taking them away from you.”  
  
  
Tara looked up with tears filling her eyes.  
  
  
“Please don’t take Robyn. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
Willow felt her blood run cold at the broken tone of her wife’s voice.  
  
  
“Tara, what happened?”  
  
  
“I shouted at her,” she replied, barely able to get the words out as she rubbed her eyes, “Everyone was so loud and she almost kicked Emily and I lost it, like _him_ , I was like _him_ and I don’t deserve her or any of you but please don’t take them away from me, please.”  
  
  
Willow’s shoulders slumped and she held her hands up in the air, shaking her head.  
  
  
“Baby, nothing like that…no one is…the kids are…Robyn doesn’t even…she’s two, she’s forgotten already, all she’ll remember from today is a belly full of snickerdoodles.”  
  
  
Tara’s head dropped into her knees again and she continued to cry.  
  
  
Willow felt her heart break.  
  
  
“You are _not_ him. And we’re gonna get you some help,” she promised, “And I’m going to stop putting my head in the sand. I-I thought when we came home things might get better but…”  
  
  
Tara just cried and now Willow was the one who could do nothing but stare, helpless.  
  
  
The babies began to fuss.  
  
  
Willow looked over at them and blinked rapidly.  
  
  
“Shit, they need a bottle. Shit.”  
  
  
She started to stand, then moved back down and reached out for Tara’s hand.  
  
  
“Uh…um…a-are you gonna be okay for a minute?”  
  
  
Tara snatched her hand away, afraid.  
  
  
Willow saw the panic spark in her wife’s eyes.  
  
  
She visibly deflated.  
  
  
This was even worse than she thought.  
  
  
And she’d been ignoring it.  
  
  
She frowned, deeply, but she had to go get those bottles.  
  
  
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”  
  
  
She jumped up then and ran out quickly, her brain trying to process many things at once, most notably: where do we go from here?  
  
  
Minutes later, after popping her head in on Robyn who was living up to the promise of forgetting any trauma as she giggled away with the screen, Willow returned upstairs still shaking a bottle in each hand.  
  
  
Willow noticed the crying had stopped yet again before she got to their room but didn’t know why until she saw both of their mouths were already busy.  
  
  
She stopped in her tracks.  
  
  
“Whoa.”  
  
  
Tara looked up with red cheeks and shocked eyes.  
  
  
“I-I was just holding Emily while I fed Lily and she just did it.”  
  
  
Willow slowly sank to her knees in front of them all and watched both twins feed from Tara for the very first time. She watched how Emily’s little mouth latched onto Tara’s breast as naturally as Lily’s — like she’d been doing it forever.  
  
  
She looked up and Tara’s chin was on her chest again as she sobbed.  
  
  
Willow reached a hand out but thought better of it this time.  
  
  
“Are they good tears or bad tears?”  
  
  
“I don’t know anymore, Willow,” Tara said with a hiccup, “I never know anymore.”  
  
  
Willow wasn’t sure how many unbroken pieces of heart she had left.  
  
  
“Darling,” she said softly, feeling desperately helpless when Tara seemed to averse to being touched, “You don’t have to hide these feelings. A-and I’m not ‘psyching’ you, I swear. If I was, I would have realized how bad things are a lot sooner.”  
  
  
Tara wiped one eye on the shoulder of her shirt.  
  
  
“I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”  
  
  
“I’m going to organize someone for you to talk to,” Willow replied quickly, “Okay?”  
  
  
Tara didn’t really react.  
  
  
Willow swallowed.  
  
  
“You have nothing to be ashamed of.”  
  
  
Tara looked down at her two babies taking nourishment from her.  
  
  
A brief flit of color in her otherwise gray-scaled world.  
  
  
She found the strength she needed.  
  
  
“Okay,” she agreed with a sniffle, “I’ll talk to someone.”  
  
  
Willow nodded, unsure if she felt relief or anxiety at the prospect.  
  
  
“And soon.”


	28. Chapter 28

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty-Three** _  


* * *

“Bye Robbie, bye Ella! Have a good day!”  
  
  
Robyn skipped away happily to join Alice and Ella in their car. Robyn was a GREAT big sister but even she was getting sick of all of the crying. They were swinging by the Harris’s to get Pixie and have a ‘girlie’ day out. Alice’s idea, something about needing a day away from men.  
  
  
Willow would have to rebuff any gender stereotypes later. They needed the space today.  
  
  
Ira and Michelle had already brought JJ to his basketball game and the babies were sleeping off a milk coma. She passed by them sleeping together in their crib and smiled at Emily’s dreamy face. Her cries had been less high pitched since she was able to feed from Tara instead of the bottle and even though it was the same milk, Willow swore she was sleeping just a little bit more deeply afterward. And with that adorable milk-drunk face.  
  
  
She hovered for a moment watching them. These moments — or the ones where Robyn’s tongue would poke between her teeth as she laughed at something or when JJ would spin around in a victory dance and cheer when he taught Woofy a new trick — were the moments of joy Willow hung onto between the ever-present lingering fear for her wife’s mental state.  
  
  
She noticed now, when Tara would sneak off to cry and wondered how long she hadn’t noticed before.  
  
  
She wondered if she should go down to her and comfort her or leave her alone.  
  
  
She wondered how she didn’t seem to remember a damn thing about the four years of study she put into dealing with situations like this.  
  
  
Or why she hadn’t changed her major, to begin with when she didn’t need to suck-up to her mother anymore but that was an old regret weaving itself into the new ones.  
  
  
She checked her watch and leaned down for a moment to inhale from the babies’ heads. Another moment to get her through. When she’d had her fill, she continued into hers and Tara’s bedroom.  
  
  
Tara was sitting on the end, staring downward.  
  
  
She was doing that a lot lately too, Willow noticed.  
  
  
Mostly at the twins, but sometimes at nothing at all.  
  
  
“Tara?” Willow called softly to ease her out of whatever trance she was in.  
  
  
Tara slowly blinked and looked up. Willow walked further into the room.  
  
  
“Our parents are coming over to watch the twins once JJ goes off with the team after the game…” she trailed off and bit her lip before continuing gently, “You’re gonna have to get dressed, honey. We have to leave soon.”  
  
  
Tara looked down at her pajamas stained with various baby fluids — it didn’t matter how dark a place your mind was in, your babies still needed to be taken care of.  
  
  
She looked back up at Willow, pale and twitchy.  
  
  
“I-I was thinking, m-maybe I should delay the appointment.”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Why would you delay it?” she asked, sidling over to sit beside Tara, “I had to use my best Resolve Voice on the nice insurance agent on the phone to get you in so quick.”  
  
  
Tara looked down again.  
  
  
“I can’t leave the babies.”  
  
  
Willow closed her eyes. How did you appeal to the irrational when it was very rational and real to the other person?  
  
  
“They won’t be on their own,” she tried to reassure as optimistically as she could, “My dad dotes on them and so does Michelle. Says they’d be happy to babysit any time, even overnight.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“But they don’t know them very well. Their habits.”  
  
  
“Good opportunity to learn,” Willow pressed.  
  
  
Willow suddenly felt the tension from where Tara’s hands were curled under the mattress and pressing in harder and harder.  
  
  
“They don’t know their cries and they don’t know their schedule and what if Emily’s alarm goes off? They didn’t do the CPR class and—”  
  
  
Willow quickly kneeled in front of Tara and looked up at her.  
  
  
“Okay, everything’s okay,” she soothed and tried to guide Tara into a long breath, “What if I stay with them and we’ll ask Dad to drop you off instead?”  
  
  
From her vantage point, Willow could see the deep creases form around Tara’s eyes.  
  
  
“Do they know where I’m going?”  
  
  
“No,” Willow replied softly, “But you have nothing to be ashamed of.”  
  
  
“So you keep saying,” Tara replied in an echo of a whisper.  
  
  
“It’s true, Tara,” Willow said, trying not to let her own emotion out in her voice, “And if this were you talking to me in the same position, I know you’d be saying the same.”  
  
  
Tara’s shoulders remained hunched.  
  
  
“I don’t want him to know.”  
  
  
Willow opened her mouth.  
  
  
“What about—”  
  
  
“No,” Tara cut her off before she could even finish.  
  
  
Willow nodded once. She’d just have to figure out another way.  
  
  
“Okay, we’ll bring them with us,” she said easily and held a hand up before Tara could object, “They won’t be outside or touching other people. They won’t get sick. And they can’t even read yet so they’ll have no idea where we are.”  
  
  
Willow thought maybe, perhaps Tara smiled an inch.  
  
  
“Okay?” she asked gently and got a quick little nod in return, “Okay.”  
  
  
Tara flicked a finger against the corner of her eye.  
  
  
“Where are they?”  
  
  
“In their crib,” Willow answered.  
  
  
Tara winced and then frowned.  
  
  
“I don’t like them in there.”  
  
  
“In the nursery?” Willow asked with a confused frown, “Their room?”  
  
  
Tara bristled. While she was very grateful for the help and having a room to bring the twins home to, it wasn’t how she’d planned it to look.  
  
  
She thought they had more time.  
  
  
It was a 12x12 foot reminder of her failure.  
  
  
“I-I better get dressed.”  
  
  
Willow nodded and stood.  
  
  
“I’ll call Dad and tell him he can go out with the team if he wants. He loves it.”  
  
  
She turned on her heel and headed back downstairs to pick up her phone and called her Dad to tell him the change of plans. When she hung up, she went into the kitchen to pour a fresh cup of coffee for herself. Holding it between both hands, she leaned back against the counter and just closed her eyes for a moment.  
  
  
Another moment. She had to hang onto these moments.  
  
  
She opened them again when she felt a slight pressure on her foot. She looked down and spotted Woofy staring back up at her, sitting at her feet.  
  
  
“JJ will take you for a walk later buddy. You gotta take care of the house for a couple of hours this morning, okay Woofs?”  
  
  
He continued to stare at her and she sighed.  
  
  
“You drive a hard bargain.”  
  
  
She put her cup down and opened the pantry to get a couple of Woofy’s treats. She bent down and fed each to him.  
  
  
“Payment in snausages as per your contract.”  
  
  
She fed him the last one and scratched between his ears.  
  
  
“You’re a good boy.”  
  
  
Woofy hopped into his bed and curled up happily while Willow washed her hands and drained her coffee.  
  
  
She made her way back upstairs, rocking back and forth on her heels to stretch her legs. Her calves had been given a break from the constant stair-pounding to prepare bottles since Tara had been able to feed them both, though Willow felt guilty that she wasn’t helping at all on that front anymore. She offered to help with intermittent bottles but Tara was adamant they only fed from her and burst into tears the one time Willow had tried to insist.  
  
  
The twins were awake but just quietly mewing. They were pretty good at that, especially Emily, and only cried if they needed something or were startled. Willow figured it was a hangover from the NICU and having the ability to cry distorted in their early days. It broke Willow’s heart and she always tried to make sure she never left them long enough that they’d be awake alone for too long.  
  
  
“Okay, babies, we are going on a car ride,” she announced as she placed a hand on Lily’s belly and shook gently, one of her favorite games— Willow swore she’d laugh if she could, “Your very first one together.”  
  
  
She brought over some clothes to change them into.  
  
  
“Maybe you’ll be like your big brother and fall asleep as soon as the keys hit the ignition. I got _very_ familiar with the 24-hour Dairy Queen over on Kenmore Ave after he was born. They called him the Blizzard Baby.”  
  
  
She started to dress Emily in a little pink and white striped sweater that had once belonged to Robyn as a newborn.  
  
  
“Gotta get you nice and warm to brave the elements for a whole seven seconds.”  
  
  
“I-I need to feed them before I go,” Tara’s voice came from the doorway, and Willow did well not to jump.  
  
  
“Right!” Willow said, spinning around, “Leaky boobs are not the best start to psychoanalysis. I had a whole class on it back in college. The only thing worse than leaky boobs is leaky boundaries!”  
  
  
She trailed off with a chuckle and moved away to give Tara some space to gather the twins up.  
  
  
“I will start a shopping list,” Willow said instead, to sound helpful and held her hands up when Tara glanced over at her, “Don’t worry, I’m not bringing the twins to the market. I’ll do it online. Do you need help?”  
  
  
Tara quietly shook her head as she got the babies settled on the feeding pillow. Willow backed up against the wall and brought out her phone to bring up the supermarket website and browse the offers.  
  
  
“Any requests?”  
  
  
“No,” Tara answered, actually sounding serene for a change as she gazed down at her daughters and they stared back.  
  
  
Willow added a few more things to the list.  
  
  
“I know we’re running low on shampoo…need to check on the tampon situation. A lot of the lights you use built up while you were pregnant but I can’t really use—”  
  
  
There was a sound; a hiccupping; sob-like little sound but it confused Willow because she knew the babies’ mouths were otherwise occupied.  
  
  
She looked up and saw Tara had started to cry and was looking straight up to the ceiling so her tears wouldn’t flow down onto the babies.  
  
  
Willow quickly pushed off the wall and rushed over.  
  
  
“What’s—” she frowned and then it suddenly evened out and she went ashen, “Oh, Tara, I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
She dropped to her knees in front of Tara.  
  
  
“I’m so, so, so sorry. I-I forgot. That was so insensitive.”  
  
  
Tara said nothing, just cried; big wracking sobs that shook her whole body and gave the twins a milkshake.  
  
  
“Wh-What can I do? Should I take the babies?”  
  
  
“No, they’re feeding!” Tara screeched, so shrill it made Willow fall backward, “Call Becky.”  
  
  
Willow’s face scrunched.  
  
  
“Huh?”  
  
  
“Call Becky!” Tara insisted.  
  
  
“Okay, okay!” Willow scrambled for her phone and put the call through, “BeckyIt’sWillowTara’sReallyUpsetAndSheWantsToTalkToYouOkay?”  
  
  
Willow stuck her phone up against Tara’s ear since both hands were occupied holding the twins.  
  
  
Tara held between her ear and shoulder and started blubbering. Willow quickly ran out, feeling like she was intruding.  
  
  
She went into their bedroom, closed the door, sat on the end of the bed, and had a little cry to herself. She only needed a minute to pull herself together, though she’d regret her faux pas for weeks.  
  
  
With everything else going on, Willow had just plain forgotten that Tara had had a hysterectomy.  
  
  
Apparently, Tara hadn’t.  
  
  
How could she?  
  
  
And how could Willow be so dumb?  
  
  
She continued to kick herself for burdening her wife when she already had so much else to deal with.  
  
  
She didn’t eavesdrop but she did loiter outside the room to wait until she could hear Tara was off the phone. When she was, Willow knocked on the open door and came over to retrieve her phone, which had slid down into Tara’s lap.  
  
  
“I-I’m so sorry, Tara.”  
  
  
“Just forget it,” Tara replied quietly and her voice sounded hollow again, “Can you burp Lily please?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Willow replied, hurrying over to take her.  
  
  
They finished prepping the babies together, donning their jackets to get the few feet to the car but took them off again for safety once in there.  
  
  
The car ride was silent. Willow tried to crack a joke or two but Tara clearly wasn’t in the mood and Willow couldn’t blame her.  
  
  
She pulled up at the curb outside the therapist’s office when the little mechanical voice told her that they had reached their destination.  
  
  
Tara looked out the window and placed her hand against. It fell away and she gulped nervously.  
  
  
Willow took Tara’s hand and squeezed comfortingly.  
  
  
“Everything will be ok—”  
  
  
Tara snatched her hand back.  
  
  
“I-I gotta go,” she said, her entire deflated demeanor now jumpy and twitchy.  
  
  
She opened the door and got out quickly.  
  
  
“We’ll be waiting, I love—” Willow started but the door was promptly slammed shut, “You.”  
  
  
The noise disturbed Emily, who started to cry.  
  
  
Willow sighed and pulled off the curb.  
  
  
“Who feels like a Butterfinger Blizzard?”  
  
  
On the street, Tara pressed the buzzer multiple times to get into the building she needed to be in. There were other people on the street and she was sure they were looking at her strangely. After what felt like an age, but was really only about fifteen seconds, it opened and Tara tripped inside as she’d been pushing on the door.  
  
  
This didn’t help matters.  
  
  
Her breath was really becoming laborious now. She couldn’t quite get it to meet her lungs and each one felt heavy in her chest.  
  
  
She took a wobbly step towards the reception desk and suddenly wished she could just shrivel into obscurity. Her body did its best to comply, her shoulders visibly shrinking as she willed it to move forward.  
  
  
When she got there, the friendly receptionist looked up and smiled. She moved a file off to the side and gave Tara her full attention. Tara didn’t want it.  
  
  
“Hi, can I get your name?”  
  
  
“T-T-T,” she tried and was so close to bursting into tears “T-T- _Tara_ …”  
  
  
The receptionist looked sympathetic and Tara felt her chest tighten so much she thought she might collapse.  
  
  
“Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay?” the lady said as she looked up the patient list for the day, then grew concerned when she looked back to Tara, “Are you okay? Can I get you some water?”  
  
  
Tara felt it again, the unsquashable need to flee. She couldn’t control it. Where she couldn’t get her feet to move forward before, now she couldn’t get them to stop as she sped through a door that led to the restroom.  
  
  
She wanted to splash her face, to tell herself to get it together, to walk out and apologize. Instead, she curled herself into a ball under the sink while clutching her chest and wondered if this was how she died.  
  
  
About a minute or so later, the restroom door swung open and a woman in her late thirties with shoulder-length blonde hair and wearing a tailored pantsuit and glasses stepped in. She looked around and once she had determined there was no one else there, she strode over to Tara and kneeled in front of her, a foot or two away.  
  
  
“Tara? I’m Erin Moss, you have your appointment with me today. Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”  
  
  
This was a perfect stranger but Tara actually found comfort in that.  
  
  
“Chest,” she replied, hoarse as she pressed her palm there, “Hurts. F-feels fast. A-and my hands are tingly. Can’t breathe.”  
  
  
Her whole body tensed.  
  
  
“A-and it f-f-feels like the c-ceiling is about to cave in.”  
  
  
“Have you experienced these feelings before?” Erin asked in an even tone.  
  
  
Tara just nodded.  
  
  
“You’re having a panic attack, Tara,” Erin continued in a soft, assured voice, “You’re safe and I’m here to help you through it.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes creased emotionally and she started to lose what little piece of control she had left, but Erin remained calm in her tone as she coaxed Tara through it.  
  
  
“I’m going to do a breathing exercise with you. It’s okay if you can’t follow straight away. This will pass. I’m here to get you through it. We’re going to inhale for four seconds. You just join in when you can. We’re going to inhale for four seconds.”  
  
  
Erin probably repeated those four seconds twenty times before Tara was able to catch on, but Tara _did_ catch on and Erin was very quickly able to move her through to exhale until they were in a steady rhythm.  
  
  
Erin still wasn’t in any rush and didn’t deviate from their pattern until Tara’s body had unfurled itself and her hands had stopped visibly shaking.  
  
  
“Do you feel able to come through to my office?”  
  
  
Tara quietly nodded and Erin let her get herself up and led her back out of the restroom and straight through to her office. She showed Tara where she could sit and silently placed tissues and water on the small table in front of her.  
  
  
She sat opposite Tara with her leg bent over one knee and after a short pause, spoke.  
  
  
“When you want to, tell me how you’re feeling in your body now.”  
  
  
Tara slowly drank the whole glass of water back.  
  
  
“My eyes sting a bit and everything feels heavy.”  
  
  
She didn’t even realize she was speaking in full sentences again.  
  
  
“Is this how you usually feel after this occurs?” Erin asked.  
  
  
Tara opened her mouth, then paused and closed it again.  
  
  
“It usually feels…like it’s still there. Just bubbling under the surface of my skin. It never quite goes.”  
  
  
Erin noted something on the legal pad sitting on the arm of her chair.  
  
  
“And is it still there now?”  
  
  
Tara seemed surprised as she considered the question and her own body.  
  
  
“No.”  
  
  
“When did these episodes start?” Erin asked and sat patiently to wait for an answer.  
  
  
Tara closed her eyes. She exhaled.  
  
  
“Just in the past few weeks.”  
  
  
Erin nodded.  
  
  
“And is it your first experience of panic attacks?”  
  
  
Tara shook her head.  
  
  
“When I was younger, there were a few, um…episodes,” she frowned at her words, “But not since college.”  
  
  
“Did you seek help at that point?” Erin asked, her consistently soft tone making Tara ease back into the couch without even realizing it.  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Yes. I had therapy for a few weeks. I-I was able to resolve a lot of childhood issues and i-it didn’t happen again, except…”  
  
  
She frowned some more.  
  
  
“Willow and I had a fight, back then. A-and it was kind of rough and I had one after that. But that was it.”  
  
  
“And who is Willow?” Erin pressed gently, pen poised.  
  
  
“My wife,” Tara replied quickly and it disconcerted her for a moment how much she felt able to pour out to someone who didn’t even know who Willow was, “But they weren’t like this, before. Back then, I felt lost and scared. Rooted to the spot. N-Now I want to run, I want to—”  
  
  
Her face started to crumble all of a sudden.  
  
  
“I-I want to leave my babies,” she sobbed and dropped her face into her hands, “But I don’t want to leave my babies, I love my babies!”  
  
  
Erin gently pushed the tissues toward Tara.  
  
  
“You might feel lots of emotion or think lots of thoughts during an attack that don’t come from a real place. They come from your adrenaline response, they come from the fear. They don’t represent how you really feel.”  
  
  
Tara plucked a tissue out of the box and rubbed each eye with it.  
  
  
“I know that. M-My wife, she studied psychology. She says she doesn’t remember but she always—”  
  
  
She suddenly burst into fresh tears and her whole body slumped toward her knees.  
  
  
Erin allowed her the time and space to do so.  
  
  
“What’s upsetting you right now?” she asked when some minutes had passed.  
  
  
Tara cried harder and had to fight to get anything other than noise out.  
  
  
“I-I think i-it’s when she touches me.”  
  
  
“When who touches you?” Erin clarified.  
  
  
“Willow,” Tara sobbed, “I…feel… _wrong_ …all of the time. But it’s only when she touches me that I…”  
  
  
“When Willow touches you, you feel that’s what's triggering the panic attacks?” Erin deduced from what she was hearing.  
  
  
Tara could only nod through eyes hidden with tears. Erin inhaled a soft breath and let it out again.  
  
  
“When you’re ready, take me back.”  
  
  
Tara looked up, helpless.  
  
  
“T-to where?”  
  
  
Erin uncrossed and crossed her legs again, settling back.  
  
  
“To wherever you feel this all started.”  
  
  
Close to an hour later, Tara sat back on the sofa with a single tissue crumpled in her hand ready to catch any tears, but it remained dry.  
  
  
“Our time is nearly up,” Erin said softly, “How are you feeling about everything we discussed today?”  
  
  
“A-A little shocked, I think,” Tara replied, her voice raw but clear, “I know all about post-partum depression…I see a lot of clients with it. But it never occurred to me that I could…”  
  
  
“The illness can trap the brain in self-doubt,” Erin mused thoughtfully.  
  
  
Tara nodded slowly.  
  
  
“I’m still reeling a bit from the PTSD part,” she admitted, swallowing, “PTSD feels like it’s for war vets o-or rape survivors. Not someone who just gives birth.”  
  
  
“Trauma doesn’t have a restriction on who it pervades,” Erin replied, meeting Tara’s self-deprecating gaze, “The birth you describe was incredibly traumatic. And the separation from your newborn children afterward could only compound it.”  
  
  
Tara bit on the inside of her lip.  
  
  
“But why is Willow the thing that…” she paused, frustrated with herself, “She’s been through just as much as me. Her wife and her babies were taken…and she took care of everything at home while I’ve just fallen apart. And I’m not scared of her like I was scared of my fath—”  
  
  
Her voice caught and she had to promptly shut up to control herself.  
  
  
Erin wrote something and looked back at Tara.  
  
  
“You say specifically that it happens when she touches you. That your mind goes back to the birth.”  
  
  
Tara nodded and Erin gently raised one eyebrow.  
  
  
“Did she touch you during the birth?”  
  
  
“She held my—” Tara held up her hand and paused. She flashed to her hand being grabbed in the car and immediately her mind when back to the birthing room with the lights and the screaming and Willow holding her hand tight enough to leave marks. Tears filled but they didn’t fall, “She held my hand.”  
  
  
She sobbed again at the injustice of it all.  
  
  
“She doesn’t deserve this.”  
  
  
“You don’t deserve this,” Erin replied softly, “Nobody does.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes creased.  
  
  
“I’d like to continue our sessions if you would also be willing,” Erin continued and Tara surprised herself with how quick she was to nod, “Good.”  
  
  
She sat forward.  
  
  
“And I’d also like to discuss medication. Your sleep state, in particular, is giving me concern but I really think you would get benefit from starting on anti-depressant medication.”  
  
  
“I-I’m breastfeeding,” Tara replied unsurely.  
  
  
Erin nodded.  
  
  
“There are some options we can discuss.”  
  
  
A few minutes later, Erin was pulling a prescription sheet from the pad as she led Tara to the door.  
  
  
“Collect these from the pharmacy and take your first one tonight right before bed.”  
  
  
“A-And they’re safe to take for the babies?” Tara clarified.  
  
  
Erin nodded.  
  
  
“They leave your body quickly so there’s no time for a potent dose to get into your breast milk overnight,” she reassured, “I’ll consult with your NICU doctor about the anti-depressants but do consider your own needs and if you’d be willing to stop breastfeeding if it’s ultimately not recommended. What you're struggling with usually responds very well to medication.”  
  
  
Tara just pursed her lips and Erin nodded again.  
  
  
“We’ll talk in our next session. Thank you for coming today, Tara. I know it was difficult.”  
  
  
Tara just nodded and left with a quick goodbye. Her mind was reeling with a lot of new information to process. She signed a form with the receptionist and made her next appointment and walked back out of the building a lot calmer than when she’d walked in.  
  
  
The minivan was waiting right where Willow promised and Tara let herself in on the passenger side.  
  
  
“Hey!” Willow said and it was obvious how nervous she was too, “How’d it go?”  
  
  
Tara glanced back at the peacefully sleeping babies and pulled the door closed. She looked over at her wife.  
  
  
“We have a lot to talk about.”  
  


* * *

  
Willow hurried back down the stairs and into their living room, where Tara was sitting with her pharmacy bag beside her on the couch.  
  
  
“They stayed asleep somehow. Must be all that good car juju.”  
  
  
“Must be,” Tara echoed quietly with her palms pressed together between her knees.  
  
  
Willow perched on the arm of the couch and waited. When Tara said nothing, she decided to instead.  
  
  
“Was she nice? She got good reviews. The best, actually.”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Yes. Very. I’m going back to her next week.”  
  
  
“Awesome!” Willow replied, a little bit of relief flashing across her face, “So you got some meds?”  
  
  
“Sleeping pills,” Tara replied tiredly.  
  
  
“Oh that’s good,” Willow nodded, almost too quickly, “That’s really good. I know you haven’t been…”  
  
  
She stopped on a sigh.  
  
  
Tara’s knees gently bounced up and down.  
  
  
“She said if I feed the babies right before I take them it won’t be too present in my milk when the next feed comes around.”  
  
  
“Great!” Willow replied again, rubbing her hands on her thighs, “And there’s still lots of milk in the freezer if we need it.”  
  
  
“I like feeding them,” Tara cut in.  
  
  
Willow frowned slightly.  
  
  
“I know you do.”  
  
  
Tara felt those negative thoughts she could identify a bit better now creeping in.  
  
  
“S-She suggested maybe I try anti-depressants too.”  
  
  
Willow nodded eagerly.  
  
  
“Oh, cool! I mean, yeah they have a really good response rate with—”  
  
  
“But taking a pill every day is a lot different than taking one for a few nights,” Tara interjected.  
  
  
Willow frowned again.  
  
  
“Oh, well, yeah, um—”  
  
  
“It could get into my milk and harm the babies, especially since they were premature,” Tara explained, “It’s too much of a risk to let them have possibly contaminated milk.”  
  
  
Willow nodded slowly.  
  
  
“So we’re switching to formula? That’s okay—”  
  
  
“What? No,” Tara looked at Willow like she was crazy, “I’m not taking them.”  
  
  
Willow did a double-take.  
  
  
“But the doctor recommended them.”  
  
  
“But it’s not an option,” Tara countered.  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrows gently rose on her face.  
  
  
“Not to be, um, pedantic here, but it kinda is?”  
  
  
Tara looked up and Willow could see how sunken they were from this position.  
  
  
“I _just_ got Emily to take me.”  
  
  
“I know,” Willow replied empathically as she slid down onto the cushion beside Tara, “I do. But Tara she wouldn’t recommend them if you didn’t need them.”  
  
  
Tara looked sad but resolute.  
  
  
“It’s not an option.”  
  
  
“It is an option!” Willow replied in frustration and made herself take a calming breath, “The babies, they need you to be well, okay?”  
  
  
Her eyes grew glassy.  
  
  
“We need you to be well.”  
  
  
She tried to hold Tara’s hand but Tara snatched it away. She stood up and walked away before she could get triggered again, but Willow didn't know that and just saw her wife taking one step backward after the giant steps forward they'd taken this morning. Two steps forward and one step back was a subversion she would normally enjoy but that step backward felt like a dinosaur foot had made it.  
  
  
She watched Tara's back disappear, getting further and further away from her and she had no idea how to close the chasm.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, Willow. I really am.”


	29. Chapter 29

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty-Four** _  


* * *

Willow came out of the main bathroom and saw JJ holding a bowl of Cheerios and a glass of orange juice and Robyn jumping up and down trying to open the door of Willow and Tara’s bedroom.  
  
  
She hurried over before Robyn could make contact.  
  
  
“Kids, no. Mom is sleeping. Later, okay?”  
  
  
“But the p—” JJ started to protest.  
  
  
“I know,” Willow cut in quickly, “But the babies kept us up late last night and Mom needs to sleep, okay?”  
  
  
The bedroom door opened and Tara squeezed herself out, closing it again.  
  
  
“I’m not sleeping,” she said, indicating she’d heard the whole conversation, “The babies are.”  
  
  
JJ thrust his breakfast offerings up at her, which Tara took in confusion.  
  
  
With her heart breaking, Willow leaned over and discreetly whispered to Tara.  
  
  
“It’s your birthday.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Tara replied, her brow line evening out, “Oh!”  
  
  
“Happy Birthday, Mom!” JJ said eagerly.  
  
  
“‘ap-ee bir’fay Mom-mee!” Robyn clapped her hands and kicked her feet at the same time.  
  
  
Tara cleared her throat and kneeled down to put an arm around them both, the bowl and glass still held precariously in her hands.  
  
  
“Thank you,” she said sincerely and kissed each of their heads, “This is really great. I love you both so much.”  
  
  
She stood and Willow encouraged the kids toward the stairs.  
  
  
“You guys go make a card for later, okay?”  
  
  
They went off happy to have completed their mission and Willow relieved Tara of the dishes.  
  
  
“I’m sorry. They were so eager.”  
  
  
Tara shook her head softly.  
  
  
“It was very sweet,” she replied and reached up to brush some hair from her face, “I forgot what day it was.”  
  
  
Willow tried to keep her face neutral as if she wasn’t remembering ringing in the New Year alone or that it had been the first time ever that they didn’t partake in their tradition of the first things to be said to each other being Happy New Year/Happy Birthday.  
  
  
“Yeah, you passed out last night,” she said, managing to remain chipper, “Which is great. That you’re sleeping. Now.”  
  
  
Tara just nodded.  
  
  
“If it’s my birthday then it’s Alex’s birthday as well.”  
  
  
“Jesse is going to pick up Robyn and JJ on the way to the party,” Willow explained.  
  
  
“Oh, that’s kind of him,” Tara returned, tucking some hair behind her ear.  
  
  
“Yeah. I think he and Alice are fighting, he seemed grateful to have an excuse to leave early,” Willow breathed and swallowed, “Did you sleep well?”  
  
  
Tara paused.  
  
  
“I…slept,” she answered cagily.  
  
  
The sleeping pills were making her get some forced shut-eye in the immediate aftermath of taking them but she would be roused after a while by the babies and then would then be awake all night in a groggy state. So she was getting some sleep, but not any rest.  
  
  
Especially when just existing felt exhausting.  
  
  
Willow took a step forward.  
  
  
“Tara—”  
  
  
“I’m too tired to fight, Willow,” Tara said jadedly.  
  
  
“Well, um, I’ll get rid of this stuff,” Willow replied and felt awkward about the fact that it still felt so awkward between them.  
  
  
It was a whole seven-layer cake of discomfort.  
  
  
Tara nodded again and returned to the bedroom, probably to stare some more.  
  
  
Willow downed the juice, feeling like she needed the sugar rush and went into the bathroom again. She intended to toss the cereal down the sink but she ended up sitting on the edge of the bath and eating it instead, wondering what new way she could try to convince Tara to try the anti-depressants without getting into another argument about it.  
  
  
With a lone Cheerio staring back at her sadly, she went back downstairs and busied herself with getting the kids ready for the party. She was busy wrapping up the Build-Your-Own-Mug Lego kit they’d gotten for Alex when JJ came up by her side.  
  
  
“I can wrap it, Momma.”  
  
  
“Oh, thanks,” she replied as honestly she had been struggling, then frowned, “Wait, why?”  
  
  
JJ shifted uncomfortably on his feet.  
  
  
“Last year Aunty Anya said it looked like you wrapped it with your feet.”  
  
  
Willow looked unamused but stepped aside for JJ to finish the wrapping. She helped Robyn get her shoes on and played This Little Piggy to elicit some giggles.  
  
  
“Now, you guys be good today at the trampoline park,” she said as she did up the buttons on Robyn’s coat, “Uncle Xander is in charge.”  
  
  
She leaned into JJ.  
  
  
“Make sure she thinks the big kids are going to a soft play area too, okay?”  
  
  
“Got it, Momma,” JJ replied with a nod and a smile toward Robyn.  
  
  
A car beeped outside and Willow opened the door and waved to Jesse.  
  
  
“Bye kids. Say a big huge Happy Birthday to Alex from Aunty Willow and Aunty Tara!”  
  
  
The car drove off and Willow closed the door again. Just as soon as she made a step to go get some coffee, the bedroom door burst open from upstairs and Willow was met with a cacophony of shrill screaming.  
  
  
“Double explosive diaper situation,” Tara explained as she hurried down the stairs, the handles of a bassinet closed in each hand, “They won’t stop wailing. I think they’re really uncomfortable.”  
  
  
“On it,” Willow replied, hurrying over to relieve Tara of one baby.  
  
  
They changed the babies and they washed the babies and put them in new clothes but nothing seemed to stop their crying, which wasn’t like them. They had no fever and their cries weren’t high-pitched but they were constant and miserable.  
  
  
“Why won’t they stop crying?” Tara groaned, near tears as she bounced Emily in her arms, “They won’t eat, they won’t sleep!”  
  
  
Lily had hushed for about twelve seconds when Willow put her in her car seat to rock, so she took Emily to do the same. Emily too quieted for a few seconds but quickly joined back in again when there was no more movement.  
  
  
“Tara, you have to let me take them out! In the stroller, in the car, just anything that moves!”  
  
  
Willow reached out to her wife desperately.  
  
  
“Please, Tara!”  
  
  
“Don’t touch me!” Tara shrieked, bewildering Willow.  
  
  
Tara felt her breath catch and tightness begin on her neck as if someone was choking her.  
  
  
Her hand flew there and she had to breathe in twice to be able to speak.  
  
  
“Fine!” she said through a tensed jaw, feeling her control over her own body slipping with every passing second, “Fine! Take them, take them! Anywhere, I don’t care, just make it stop!”  
  
  
Willow promptly stood up and picked up each holder of the car seat but paused at how frantic Tara looked.  
  
  
“I don’t want to leave you like this.”  
  
  
“Just go!” Tara insisted, tears pricking her eyes.  
  
  
She didn’t even feel like she was the one shaking anymore; it was like an earthquake was going off beneath her feet.  
  
  
Willow walked past and out the door to bring the twins to the car and hopefully settle them.  
  
  
Upon hearing the door bang, Tara fell to her knees and started to cry. Beginning to feel too out of control, she tried to do some of the breathing exercises she’d been taught during the session with Erin.  
  
  
It wasn’t working, or it wasn’t working fast enough to her frantic mind, so she tore her purse apart to find her bottle of sleeping pills. Erin had said she could take one if a panic attack got too much but she hadn’t because she was too worried about her milk.  
  
  
Right now, she felt as on edge as she ever had.  
  
  
She had to use Robyn’s sippy cup to swallow it and sat back on the couch, just catching her breath.  
  
  
Gradually things slowed, first in her body and then in her mind. She realized a little too late that she needed to get herself upstairs to bed. She wobbled as she stood.  
  
  
On the stairs, she stumbled and fell onto her knee about halfway up.  
  
  
In the hall, Woofy stood to attention from where he had been curled up.  
  
  
The pill bottle was still closed in Tara’s palm, so she used her other hand to get herself up and dragged herself up the last few steps and into the bedroom. She fell back onto the pillows and promptly passed out.  
  
  
Woofy poked his head in the door, having followed, and sniffed the air. He pushed the door open with his nose and came up to the bed. He lifted his front paws onto the bed, licked Tara’s hand, and when there was no response, whimpered.  
  
  
A little while later, Willow opened the door and walked in with two sleeping babies in their car seats.  
  
  
Immediately, from the top of the stairs, Woofy began barking.  
  
  
Willow grimaced.  
  
  
“Ssssh, Woofs! I just got them down.”  
  
  
Woofy barked again and jumped down two steps.  
  
  
“Woofy!” Willow hissed and Woofy ran back upstairs and looked at her intently, “What is it?”  
  
  
He barked again and Willow winced. She put the car seats down gently and followed Woofy upstairs.  
  
  
“What is it?!” she asked, more annoyed than anything else.  
  
  
He ran into their bedroom and barked. Willow pushed the door open fully and was relieved to see Tara was getting some sleep.  
  
  
She walked over and sat next to her on the edge of the bed, resisting the urge to touch Tara’s face. She still looked fretful; the way she’d looked for so many weeks now.  
  
  
She reached for the blanket to put over her when she spotted the pill bottle in Tara’s hand.  
  
  
The empty pill bottle.  
  
  
“Tara?” Willow asked in alarm as she grabbed the bottle and turned it upside down as if the pills inside would suddenly appear, “Tara!”  
  
  
She jumped up and began violently shaking Tara.  
  
  
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” she wailed as she went into full-blown panic mode, “C’mon Tara!”  
  
  
Getting no response, she grabbed two fistfuls of Tara’s shirt and physically dragged her across the room into their bathroom. She dropped to the floor, grabbed Tara’s head, and forced her fingers into Tara’s mouth.  
  
  
Tara began to groggily resist.  
  
  
“Get it out, c’mon!” Willow yelled.  
  
  
Tara’s head dropped forwards against the seat and Willow pulled her phone out and called 911.  
  
  
“I need an ambulance! My wife, she overdosed on her sleeping pills! I don’t know how many but she emptied the bottle! Send someone, please!”  
  
  
She gave them the address and pulled Tara to her again, finally succeeding in getting Tara to vomit.  
  
  
“C’mon Tara!” she coached, “Come on baby, get it out! Don’t do this, baby!”  
  
  
She could hear the twins starting to scream again but she had to be focused on Tara, who was now laying disorientated with her cheek on the toilet seat. Willow started slapping her cheek gently.  
  
  
“Tara, wake up! C’mon baby, please!”  
  
  
She started to cry as she stroked Tara’s hair.  
  
  
Shortly after, she heard a male voice call out.  
  
  
“We’re upstairs!” Willow yelled and stood up quickly.  
  
  
A male paramedic appeared after following Willow’s voice.  
  
  
“Ma’am your children are unattended downstairs.”  
  
  
Willow nearly felt a vein pop.  
  
  
“I KNOW THAT!”  
  
  
“My colleague is attending to them,” the paramedic replied with a practiced calmness that was unnerving nonetheless, “What did she take?”  
  
  
Willow found the bottle and shoved it at him.  
  
  
“How many?”  
  
  
“I don’t know,” Willow threw up her hands, “Okay? I don’t know! Can you just help her!?”  
  
  
The paramedic bent down to assess Tara and radioed down to his partner to bring up the stretcher. Willow was told to go down to the twins, so she did, despite her heart still racing a mile a minute.  
  
  
She watched Tara being brought out and loaded into the ambulance. She grabbed two fistfuls of her own hair as she watched the blue lights flash off the street. She quickly grabbed her phone again.  
  
  
“Dad, Dad, I need you to come over right away! Right now, they took her off in an ambulance! Please Dad, right now! I have the kids, I can’t leave them but I have to go to the hospital! Please, Daddy!”  
  
  
Ira showed up to the door, flustered, six minutes later.  
  
  
“What happened, is it Emily?”  
  
  
“No, it’s Tara!” Willow cried, her cheeks stained with her tears, “It’s just the twins, can you handle the twins?”  
  
  
Ira looked around, a little bewildered and spotted the babies in their car seats, thankfully quiet again.  
  
  
“Yes, of course.”  
  
  
Willow grabbed her purse.  
  
  
“I-I left some of their milk in the fridge and the diaper bag is in the living room. Robyn won’t be home until later, JJ either, they’re at the party. I, I don’t know if I’ll…” she stopped and gulped, “We’ll be home.”  
  
  
Ira stood in front of Willow and grabbed her upper arms.  
  
  
“Willow, what happened?”  
  
  
Willow dropped her chin and began to blubber.  
  
  
“Tara…she took too many pills and…”  
  
  
“W-what?” Ira asked, shocked.  
  
  
“S-She’s been struggling and they gave her sleeping pills and she took them all,” Willow cried, “I’m sorry, Dad, I have to go!”  
  
  
She sprang out of the hallway and ran to the car.  
  
  
Through torturous traffic, Willow finally made it to the hospital and flung herself at the triage desk.  
  
  
“H-Hi. My, My wife was brought in. Tara Rosenberg-Maclay. Is she okay?!”  
  
  
She’d had to ask that question far too often for her liking in the past few months.  
  
  
Behind the triage nurse, a man in a white coat put down a chart.  
  
  
“I got this one, Genie,” he called over and curled a finger at Willow, “Come through.”  
  
  
Willow pushed off the desk and ran through the automatic doors when she was buzzed in.  
  
  
“My wife, is she okay?” she asked in a rush as she read the nametag, “Dr. Gordon. Is she conscious?”  
  
  
Dr. Gordon nodded.  
  
  
“She’s awake. And she’s going to be fine.”  
  
  
Willow let out a shaken breath.  
  
  
“Oh thank god,” she said, clutching her chest and doing her best not to cry, “W-What happens next? Can I see her?”  
  
  
“Well…” Dr. Gordon replied, elongating the word, “You can take her home.”  
  
  
Willow’s brow creased.  
  
  
“Wait…we can just go home?” she asked, then lowered her voice, “She took an overdose.”  
  
  
Dr. Gordon shook his head.  
  
  
“She didn’t…actually.”  
  
  
Willow did a double-take.  
  
  
“Huh?”  
  
  
Dr. Gordon sighed.  
  
  
“When she was brought in we were going to pump her stomach but she came around enough to get us to stop. She was able to explain that she’d only taken one pill — her last one. We verified this with the pharmacy. She was due a refill at her next appointment with her psychiatrist. She never took more than one pill.”  
  
  
Willow looked like she’d been slapped in the face.  
  
  
“B-But…” she trailed off meekly, “But the dog was barking.”  
  
  
The doctor said nothing but the look he gave Willow told her she was the one he thought was barking, barking mad.  
  
  
“It’s a standard response to commit someone to a 72-hour psychiatric hold in these situations but given her story checks out, we’re happy to release her.”  
  
  
Willow’s breath suddenly started to come in short, angry bursts.  
  
  
“So you’re telling me I dragged my post-natal-depression-riddled wife across her bedroom, forced my fingers down her throat while she was under the influence of a sleeping pill, violently made her throw up, threw her into an ambulance dazed and confused, had her brought to the same hospital where the depression-triggering event happened so she could beg not to get a tube shoved down her throat and even more of her stomach contents bought up, almost got her locked away for 72 hours, away from her children in a hold that could affect her career…all because she just needed a little help taking a nap?” she asked, close to shrieking, “On her birthday?!”  
  
  
“She also sustained a bump to the head. Presumably during the…forced emesis,” Dr. Gordon replied without any tact, which he seemed to realize pretty quick off of Willow’s look, “But entirely superficial, no lasting effects.”  
  
  
Willow pinched the bridge of her nose to stave the tears.  
  
  
“She’s been through too much. Enough has to be enough!”  
  
  
Dr. Gordon just bowed his head.  
  
  
“I’ll get the discharge papers ready. She’s in room 4C.”  
  
  
Willow’s head fell back against the wall and she closed her eyes.  
  
  
This was the lowest she’d ever felt.  
  
  
She wanted to sink down on that wall and crumble into oblivion but more than that, she wanted to just know she’d done right by Tara. So she pulled herself together, reminding herself she was the only one of the two of them who _could_ pull themselves together at that moment. She walked around until she found room 4C.  
  
  
She lingered in the doorway. Tara looked so frail; curled up, pale, despondent.  
  
  
Tara looked up when she sensed movement and their eyes locked. After a moment, Tara turned on her side with her back to Willow.  
  
  
Willow’s heart broke in two.  
  
  
But she stood up straight. She’d take whatever beating she had to. She would be strong.  
  
  
“They said we can leave,” she said, her voice echoing around the room, “I’ll just…I’ll wait outside.”  
  
  
She wandered back out and sat on one of the little plastic chairs attached to the wall.  
  
  
A few minutes later, Tara appeared with her head held down so Willow didn’t try to push any conversation. She didn’t know what to say, anyway.  
  
  
She wordlessly led Tara out of the hospital and hoped that Tara couldn’t see the pitiful looks being sent their way with her head down like that.  
  
  
The car ride home was torturous in a new way for Willow. It wasn’t even her own sense of hopelessness; it was that Tara was lost. And for the first time ever, Willow couldn’t find her.  
  
  
When they got home, Tara marched straight past Willow and Ira to check on the babies in the living room.  
  
  
Ira spun himself around in confusion and approached Willow, whom he immediately wrapped his arms around.  
  
  
“Darling, what happened?”  
  
  
“Misunderstanding,” Willow swallowed repeatedly, “Just a…misunderstanding.”  
  
  
She could have easily fallen apart in her father’s arms like that, but she didn’t.  
  
  
“Were the twins okay?”  
  
  
Ira nodded.  
  
  
“A little fussy at first. I sang a few songs you enjoyed as a youngster,” he replied, then added on fondly, “They seemed quite partial to Frère Jacques.”  
  
  
Willow exhaled softly.  
  
  
“Thank you, Dad. I really appreciate it.”  
  
  
Ira offered a smile.  
  
  
“I can stay and help with anything you need.”  
  
  
Willow shook her head.  
  
  
“No, Dad. I’ll take care of my family. But thank you. So much.”  
  
  
She hugged him again and waved him off and then turned back to look at the living room door.  
  
  
She took a step forward, then hesitated.  
  
  
Inside, Tara had a tiny baby hand wrapped around a finger on each hand and was staring again.  
  
  
This time, she wasn’t monitoring their breathing or their heart rate or their facial muscles for the faintest sign of distress.  
  
  
This time, she was staring into their little faces and realizing how much she had to live for.  
  
  
Not just survive, but live.  
  
  
The door suddenly burst open and Willow came in, clearly in the middle of a pace that she had started out in the hall.  
  
  
“I’m sorry, I’ve been standing outside the door for twenty minutes trying to figure out if I should just leave you alone because I know you hate me right now, deservedly so, or if I should be fighting to show you that I won’t leave no matter what. I don’t know to do what you want, or what you need, or even which is which! But I love you, I love you so much and I just want you to feel safe. How do I make you feel safe? To feel able to confide in me? I’m trying Tara, but I just, I just need to understand!”  
  
  
Tara stared at the ground for a moment, then looked to the side slowly. Her voice was physically raw from the afternoon’s ordeal.  
  
  
“Y-you’re not the one I hate.”  
  
  
Willow stopped, her brow furrowing deeply.  
  
  
“Huh?” she asked, utterly bewildered, “Who?”  
  
  
Tara’s gaze finally lifted to Willow.  
  
  
“Me.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrows raised and she sank down to sit on the floor by Tara, right in front of the couch. Tara’s eyes filled with tears as she continued to look at Willow.  
  
  
“I h-hate that you thought I could do that. T-that I could leave you a-and the kids like that. I hate that I’m a person you don’t know any longer. I hate how I’ve been treating you.”  
  
  
The tears fell.  
  
  
“I hate that I can’t be the wife you deserve.”  
  
  
Willow started to shake her head  
  
  
“Tara, no…”  
  
  
Tara sniffled.  
  
  
“And it’s not even this, it was before I gave birth. This whole pregnancy I shut down. I don’t even remember the last time we made love.”  
  
  
Willow had to blink several times; that wasn’t a topic she’d felt conflicted about at all.  
  
  
“You had a lot going on, physically, I completely understood and I still understand,” she replied emphatically, “I don’t care about that.”  
  
  
Tara's eyes dropped vulnerably.  
  
  
“If someone had called you from the future and told you we wouldn’t have sex for six months, what would you have said?”  
  
  
Willow took in a slow breath, wanting to give appropriate consideration to the question.  
  
  
“I would have asked ‘does Tara still love me?’ A-And if the answer was yes, then I would have said ‘whatever it is, we’ll get through it’.”  
  
  
She held that breath in her chest.  
  
  
“Is the answer still yes?”  
  
  
Tara’s head swung up to Willow.  
  
  
“More than anything,” she said as new tears journeyed down her cheeks, “I was ashamed, Willow, that’s why I didn’t talk to you.”  
  
  
Willow averted her gaze and Tara frowned.  
  
  
“What is it?”  
  
  
“You talked to Becky,” Willow replied quietly and it felt so petty even coming out of her mouth.  
  
  
Tara looked away, then nodded.  
  
  
“I just knew at that moment that she understood. It was too much to explain to you and I was feeling so much already.”  
  
  
Willow gathered she was missing some key information here but it wasn’t the time to ask.  
  
  
“I don’t quite understand,” she admitted, then nodded several times, “But I am glad you were able to reach out to someone during a bad moment.”  
  
  
“You just want me to reach out to you too,” Tara replied softly, finally understanding how much of a communication breakdown they’d let fester between them.  
  
  
“I just want you to know that you can,” Willow replied with softly creased eyes, “I thought…I thought you blamed for all of this.”  
  
  
Tara frowned.  
  
  
“Why would I blame you?”  
  
  
Willow looked down.  
  
  
“Because I gave them permission,” she said in a quiet voice, then glanced up when she sensed a confused look being returned, “I gave them permission to take your womb.”  
  
  
Tara was silent.  
  
  
“I didn’t actually know that,” she paused for a moment, “But Willow…yes, it’s hard for me to have that taken away…but they had no choice. You had no choice.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes sprung with tears.  
  
  
“What about the voicemail?”  
  
  
“What voicemail?” Tara asked in confusion.  
  
  
Willow ran her sleeve over her eyes and looked down shamefully.  
  
  
“I-I left you a nasty voicemail about not picking up Robyn before I knew what had happened back in the elevator.”  
  
  
Tara could only shrug one shoulder.  
  
  
“I never listened to it. It probably deleted after seven days. Who cares? You were upset. Everything you’ve done for us since says a lot more. I-I’m the one who should be blamed. For lashing out, pushing you away.”  
  
  
She swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“It was traumatic for us both and I've been acting like it was just me,” she exhaled and looked at Willow, “A-and I haven’t told you everything.”  
  
  
Willow scooted a little bit closer and sniffled.  
  
  
“I _love_ you, Tara,” she said, keeping Tara’s gaze constantly, “Nothing could ever change that. You can tell me anything.”  
  
  
Tara nodded and took a few steadying breaths.  
  
  
“You know I was…diagnosed with post-partum depression.”  
  
  
Willow nodded slowly.  
  
  
“We never actually talked about it, but yeah, I gathered.”  
  
  
Tara drew her lower lip into her mouth to moisten it.  
  
  
“I was also diagnosed with PTSD.”  
  
  
Willow’s head reeled.  
  
  
“Whoa,” she breathed, then closed her eyes for a second and lots of little moments flashed through her mind, “Of course.”  
  
  
“And I’ve been having panic attacks,” Tara continued while she had the gumption.  
  
  
Willow exhaled. She didn’t know it had gotten to that level.  
  
  
“Like at college?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Not exactly the same, but yes.”  
  
  
Willow held up a hand helplessly.  
  
  
“I’m so sorry I didn’t…”  
  
  
Tara forced herself to turn her head back to Willow.  
  
  
“Honestly, Willow, this is part of why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d blame yourself and I would blame myself for you blaming yourself.”  
  
  
“And we’d be stuck in a stupid blame cycle that helps exactly no one,” Willow finished with an understanding nod, “Especially you.”  
  
  
She paused.  
  
  
“But I still have to say I’m _so sorry_ about today.”  
  
  
Tara’s eyes clouded for a moment. She had thought it was a nightmare at first.  
  
  
“It was…horrible, really,” she stopped and swallowed, trying to put it out of her mind, “But I know why. You thought I’d really…”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes grew glassy.  
  
  
“I’m so glad you didn’t.”  
  
  
“I couldn’t,” Tara sniffled and Willow helped her wipe her nose this time with Tara’s hands still full of baby grip, “But there is something else.”  
  
  
“Whatever it is, I support you,” Willow replied with quick but sincere conviction.  
  
  
Tara met Willow’s gaze and kept it, even when her eyes glazed over.  
  
  
“Y-you,” she said, her jaw tensing, “You trigger them. T-the panic attacks.”  
  
  
Willow felt a lot of things upon hearing that but managed to keep them in check.  
  
  
“Something I do or say?” she asked, and her voice did betray her a tad by growing high pitched at the end.  
  
  
“When you touch me,” Tara admitted and it was clearly hard for her to know how much it must hurt Willow to hear, “You were holding my hand so tight, or, or, I was holding your hand so tight during the birth. But now, when you do that…”  
  
  
“You go back there,” Willow nodded, a lot more things clicking into place, “Now I understand why you got so upset earlier.”  
  
  
She held her hands up.  
  
  
“I get it. No touching without permission.”  
  
  
“I’m going to work on it in therapy,” Tara promised, “It’s not fair. Your touch healed me. It’s always healed me. And now…”  
  
  
More tears fell as she looked at Willow vulnerably.  
  
  
“I miss you so much.”  
  
  
“I’m still here,” Willow promised back and started to lift her hand to touch Tara’s face, remembering at the last minute to retract it, “I’ll just relearn how to show you without it being triggering. Whatever you need, _anything_ you need to get better. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve _got you_ , Tara.”  
  
  
Tara very slowly let out a breath and looked at Willow.  
  
  
“Every time I—” she stopped and took a breath, “Even when I'm at my worst…you always make me feel special.”  
  
  
Her eyes creased.  
  
  
“How do you do that?”  
  
  
Willow smiled easily. She didn’t have an answer for a lot of things, but she did have an answer for this one.  
  
  
The thing that had always bubbled between them; under their skin; consuming and uniting them.  
  
  
“Magic.”  
  
  
Tara offered a watery smile.  
  
  
She looked over at the sleeping babies, then slowly back at Willow. She nodded repeatedly, little jerks of her chin, still wet with tears.  
  
  
“I’ll take the pills.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.  
  
  
“You will?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“I need them. We need them. The kids need them. I need to be me again. I’ll call right now and ask them to send the prescription to the pharmacy. They said they’d be open today.”  
  
  
She looked down at her hands and Willow quickly understood Tara needed to be holding onto the babies for strength. She brought her phone out so she could find the number, which she dialed and held the phone to Tara’s ear. Tara put through the request with the receptionist and was asked to hold for Erin.  
  
  
A minute or so into the conversation, a slow, teary smile spread on her face and she nodded at Willow.  
  
  
“Speaker,” she whispered and Willow obliged in turning it on as Tara spoke again, “C-Can you repeat that please?”  
  
  
Erin’s voice came through.  
  
  
“I said I had my consultation with the twins’ doctors and since neither of them suffers from any impaired metabolite efficiency, she’s happy for you to continue breastfeeding while taking the anti-depressants. They’ll keep an extra eye on them to assuage any fears but you can be quite reassured it is safe for you to continue doing so.”  
  
  
“Thank you so much, doctor,” Willow said, tears flowing too since Tara was too overcome to speak, “We’ll collect the pills for her right away.”  
  
  
“See you next week, Tara,” Erin said warmly.  
  
  
“See you next week,” Tara said with a hiccup, and Willow put the phone down.  
  
  
She got Willow to dab at her eyes then rested their foreheads together. It was as close contact as they'd had in a while.  
  
  
“Happy New Year, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow would have burst out crying if she wasn’t already.  
  
  
“Happy Birthday, Tara.”  
  
  
As they lapsed into silence, they suddenly heard a muffled yapping. Willow looked over her shoulder and realized it was coming from the kitchen. She jumped up and walked in that direction.  
  
  
“Woofy. My Dad must have put him in there,” she said as she picked up the step to let him out, “He was the one who led me to you, he thought…”  
  
  
She opened the door and Woofy came barreling out and galloped toward Tara.  
  
  
Willow stepped back into the living room and swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“He thought something was wrong too.”  
  
  
Woofy leaped all over Tara, licking her face and pawing her. Tara turned her body so he wouldn’t disturb the twins.  
  
  
“Oh, it’s okay,” she comforted as little whimpers came out between licks, “You’re a good boy.”  
  
  
“You are a good boy,” Willow agreed as she sat beside Tara again and gently eased him away from her, “Okay, yeah, you’re a good boy. Snausage?”  
  
  
She produced a treat from her pocket which Woofy took between his teeth and curled up between their laps, happy. Willow kept petting him and gifted an occasional scratch between the ears.  
  
  
“Even though we got him in such sad circumstances, Woofs has been a godsend with the kids through all of these. I watch him, he keeps them grounded playing with them and learning tricks.”  
  
  
She didn’t realize just petting him was doing the same for her, keeping her thoughts clear after all of the drama of the day.  
  
  
“I think we should talk to them,” Willow said, looking to Tara with a slightly creased brow, “The kids? Age appropriately, of course, but…you have nothing to hide. I know I keep saying that. But I think it could be good for them to understand. That you have an illness and that it’s not their fault and that you _will_ get better. But there will be good days and bad days and it’s okay to feel sad on the bad days.”  
  
  
The dark thoughts plagued Tara immediately telling her she was letting them down, that she was ruining their childhood. But then there was a little bright spark of a thought that was their mother and she was human and that showing her humanity was part of showing them how to be good humans too. And that _her_ mother had gone through this and shown her some of the only humanity that she'd known of her childhood.  
  
  
“I think you’re right,” she said in a soft, echoing voice, “I think you’re right.”  
  
  
She looked over at Willow.  
  
  
“I might cry.”  
  
  
“It’s fine for them to see you cry,” Willow replied softly, “To know that it’s okay to cry. No different than when Mrs. Potts died.”  
  
  
She remembered how open and honest Tara had been then. Careful not to overwhelm them with her tears but able to communicate the emotion.  
  
  
It was a striking parallel to how she could see Tara now, clearly ashamed, withdrawn, terrified to express or emote the same feelings.  
  
  
It made it all the more important to have the conversation. And Willow would aid it however she could because all that mattered now was supporting her wife and her family and—  
  
  
She suddenly burst into tears.  
  
  
“And I might cry too because this has all been really scary,” she blurted and hastily wiped at her eyes, “But you know what? We’re strong. Strong like an Amazon, like you always told me. So we will get through it. Even if we have to shed a few tears along the way.”  
  
  
Lily let go of Tara’s hand after falling asleep and Tara twisted so she could dab Willow’s eyes this time.  
  
  
Willow crumbled all over again at the tenderness.  
  
  
Tara looked at her, then nodded gently in the other direction.  
  
  
“Hey. C’mere.”  
  
  
Willow was confused because they were already pretty close, but she scooted in closer anyway.  
  
  
Tara looked over the sleeping babies.  
  
  
“Look at that. We did that.”  
  
  
She paused and gently let Emily’s hand go.  
  
  
“I’ve spent so much time looking at them and not enough time appreciating them.”  
  
  
Willow sniffled.  
  
  
“They are ridiculously cute. And you’re right, we should appreciate them now because they have my genes and they’re going to be running rampant with curiosity by the time they’re eighteen months old. Look at how Robyn is and that’s _your genes_.”  
  
  
Tara laughed and Willow realized it was the first time she’d heard it in a while. A smile blossomed on her face.  
  
  
“That is a very beautiful sound.”  
  
  
Tara looked over slowly. After looking at Willow’s eyes for a moment, her gaze dropped to Willow’s lips. She felt a tiny spark of desire that hadn’t been there in a while.  
  
  
“Can I kiss you?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Willow breathed without hesitation and met her more than halfway.  
  
  
The kiss was soft and chaste but sweet and sincere and grounded them just a bit better than petting the dog (no offense to Woofy intended or taken).  
  
  
Willow’s hand lingered over Tara’s head where the little bump was sticking out, the only physical hangover of the whole ordeal earlier. It looked red and sore but also that it would heal and with that Willow knew they would heal too.  
  
  
She remembered at the last second not to touch but did speak.  
  
  
“I love you, Tara.”  
  
  
“I love you, Willow,” Tara answered and closed her eyes, “The kids will be home soon. Let’s do this for another minute.”  
  
  
“What’s ‘this’?” Willow asked for clarification.  
  
  
Tara left the softest of pecks on Willow’s lips.  
  
  
“Appreciation.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forever and Always, I thank my bestest pal DarkWiccan for supporting me and being my friend, but particularly this chapter for allowing me to take their experiences of parenthood and immortalize them (badly) forever in our shared passion, family fic (and just fic in general)

* * *

_**Chapter Twenty-Five** _   


* * *

Tara kept a brisk pace as she walked around the neighborhood.  
  
  
Spring was nearing but it was still chilly and a fast walk kept her warm.  
  
  
Also because a fast walk worked almost as well as the car at getting the twins to nod off and sure enough when Tara peeked into the stroller, they were out cold. They weren’t actually cold, of course, because Tara had them well wrapped up but they slept peacefully curled up close to each other.  
  
  
“Good afternoon Tara,” a woman said, slightly out of breath as she approached Tara on the sideway, swinging handheld weights as she continued to walk on the spot when she stopped.  
  
  
“Hi Jackie,” Tara greeted, slowing the stroller but still gently rocking it back and forth, “How are you doing?”  
  
  
“Getting out of the house to clear my head of all of the college acceptance nerves with Jason,” Jackie replied, blowing a piece of hair up from her brow, “Jason has high hopes and the high anxieties that go with it.”  
  
  
“Oh, I’m sure he’ll get in where he wants,” Tara smiled kindly.  
  
  
Jackie smiled too.  
  
  
“He does well in school. Always a very curious boy.”  
  
  
Tara had to work hard to keep the smile on her face as she tried not to blush remembering Jason as a little pre-pubescent boy peering in their window on the day they’d arrived in the neighborhood while she and Willow were ‘christening’ the living room floor.  
  
  
“Very curious.”  
  
  
Jackie just nodded and turned herself so she could look into the stroller.  
  
  
“Oh, they’re getting so big.”  
  
  
“They’re right around average for their age, which is excellent for them,” Tara replied proudly, “Especially Emily.”  
  
  
Jackie smiled again and pushed off her feet.  
  
  
“I better keep going. Good to see you, Tara.”  
  
  
“Bye, Jackie,” Tara answered and propelled the stroller forward again while lapping up some of that winter sun making a rare appearance.  
  
  
She finished her circuit and as she approached the house, she spotted a moving van pulling away from outside Mrs. Potts’s house. She reached into the babies just to prolong time long enough for it to move off completely. Left on the lawn were two men, one a bit younger than her with sandy-colored hair and the other middle-aged with salt-and-pepper, with his arm around the other.  
  
  
Tara raised her hand in a wave and the men gave each other a look of pleasant surprise and waved back.  
  
  
Tara chuckled to herself and pushed the stroller back to the house. She left it in the living room so the twins could keep napping and got herself a glass of water. From her purse, she retrieved a cylindrical pill bottle and slid one of her anti-depressants onto her palm. She tossed it in her mouth and chased it with some water, then took a moment for a slow breath.  
  
  
“Okay,” she whispered to herself as she rolled her neck from side to side, “Yoga time.”  
  
  
She went back into the living room so she could supervise the twins while she did her session. She got her mat from the hall closet and unrolled it on the floor in front of the television. She followed a DVD on-screen but she knew the routine so just had it on mute.  
  
  
While she was in the middle of a warrior pose, she spotted the school bus pull up, and then JJ was running up the driveway waving back to his pals.  
  
  
The door opened and his bag dropped and he skidded into the living room.  
  
  
“Hi Mom,” he greeted then went to peer into the stroller and whisper, “Hi babies.”  
  
  
“Hi Jakey,” Tara greeted while trying to hold a plank, “Did you have a good day at school?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” JJ nodded and rocked back on his heels, “Did you have a good day, Mom? Or a sad day?”  
  
  
Tara smiled softly at that nervous, eager little face that looked so like Willow sometimes.  
  
  
“I had a good day, sweetie,” she reassured as she moved onto a side plank, “Do you want to do some yoga with me?”  
  
  
“Yoga is easy, it’s just slow karate,” JJ replied and started to chop the air.  
  
  
Tara chuckled and fell back onto her elbows to catch her breath.  
  
  
“I left you a snack in the fridge.”  
  
  
“Thanks, Mom!” JJ replied as he scurried off to eat.  
  
  
“And don’t eat the chocolate pudding, it’s for dessert!” Tara called after him.  
  
  
She finished up the DVD and sat up to do some general stretches. A few minutes later, JJ returned sucking on a straw in a juice box with chocolate smeared all over his mouth.  
  
  
Tara looked at him dubiously.  
  
  
“Did you eat some of the chocolate pudding?”  
  
  
“No,” JJ replied unconvincingly.  
  
  
Tara had to try very hard to grin. She stood up and turned him toward the stairs.  
  
  
“Go wash your face.”  
  
  
JJ swiped at his face and looked guilty for a moment before obliging in going upstairs to clean it.  
  
  
Tara checked the time and knew the twins would need a diaper change soon so she also went upstairs to grab some extra supplies.  
  
  
In the nursery, she closed her palms around the side of one of the cribs and smiled. After a few weeks in therapy and on the medication, she’d gotten both the whim and the energy to finally change the nursery around to how she would have designed it given the chance. The room flowed better, the light brightened it all up and Tara was able to walk in and out breezily knowing exactly where everything she needed was.  
  
  
“Mom, can I play outside with Woofy before I do my homework?” JJ asked as he met her in the hallway as he left the bathroom.  
  
  
“As long as you get it done,” Tara answered, “Try not to hit any balls against the walls, it scares the twins.”  
  
  
“Okay, Mom,” JJ agreed and sped past her down the stairs.  
  
  
Woofy jumped out of bed and eagerly ran behind JJ when he saw his ball in JJ’s hand. They went out to play and almost immediately a ball banged against the wall. Emily started to wail first but Lily was grumbling soon after.  
  
  
Tara heaved a big sigh and shook her head as JJ looked through the bay window contritely.  
  
  
“Come here, sweetie,” Tara lifted Emily out onto their mat on the floor, then brought Lily to join her, “I know. Mommy’s here. Everything is okay, my girls.”  
  
  
They were soon distracted by the animals and shapes hanging from the mobile overhead and Tara’s singing. Tara cycled through a few old favorites as she changed them — Ira was right, they were quite partial to Frère Jacques, and Tara looked forward to teaching them some French in the future.  
  
  
Their little personalities were starting to come out already and she was noticing the differences between them, like how Lily loved songs that were fast and energetic and Lily liked to be soothed by soft lullabies.  
  
  
“Okay babies it’s tummy time!” she said enthusiastically and gently turned them over and grabbed a nearby toy and waved it at them, “Look what Mommy has! Are you gonna grab it? Who’s gonna get it first?”  
  
  
A few hours later, on her way home from work, Willow checked on Robyn in the rearview mirror.  
  
  
“What did you do at daycare today, Robbie?”  
  
  
“I make squiggle,” Robyn answered with a bounce of her head.  
  
  
“Was it blue?” Willow asked and turned onto their street.  
  
  
“No!” Robyn shook her head.  
  
  
“Your favorite color is blue,” Willow countered.  
  
  
Robyn’s cheeks puffed up and her hands bent at her hips in the seat.  
  
  
“My fav’ite colah is ice cweam!”  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Ice-cream isn’t a color.”  
  
  
“Yah, is,” Robyn insisted with a knowledgeable nod, “Ev’ting is colah.”  
  
  
Willow smirked to herself.  
  
  
“Tiny Tara.”  
  
  
She pulled up in the driveway and helped Robyn out of her seat before bringing her inside.  
  
  
Robyn ran to where she heard Tara pottering in the kitchen. She started to run at Tara but stopped at the mat where the babies were and kissed each of their heads.  
  
  
“‘lo bubbies, is yur GWEAT big sistah!”  
  
  
“Hi Robbie,” Tara greeted and bend down to gather her in a hug, “Did you have a good day?”  
  
  
“Yah!” Robyn agreed easily, “Miss yu!”  
  
  
Tara attacked Robyn’s face with kisses.  
  
  
“Mommy missed you too and I love you so much.”  
  
  
Robyn hung out of Tara with her arms around Tara’s neck.  
  
  
“Wobbie loves Mom-mee!”  
  
  
Tara wrapped her in a fresh hug.  
  
  
“Come here, little bean,” she said and let herself have a moment of appreciation, “Okay, go wash your hands for dinner.”  
  
  
She patted Robyn’s butt as she left and stood back up.  
  
  
“Do I get a welcome like that?” Willow grinned as she left her purse on one of the stools.  
  
  
Tara opened her arms invitingly and they each held on tight.  
  
  
Willow pulled back and kissed Tara, slow and lingering. She closed her arms back around her wife and then frowned in confusion as she spotted a note stuck on the fridge behind them.  
  
  
“Why does the fridge say ‘tampons’?”  
  
  
Tara looked over her shoulder and back at Willow.  
  
  
“Oh, you’re low on them,” she answered easily, “I noticed when I was looking for my nipple cream.”  
  
  
She looked embarrassed.  
  
  
“And, um, add nipple cream to that list. Forgot to write it. Can I still blame baby brain?”  
  
  
Willow looked sympathetic and picked up the little pen stuck to the fridge with a magnet to note it down.  
  
  
“What can I help with?”  
  
  
“Get the twins ready for dinner?” Tara requested.  
  
  
“Gladly,” Willow replied with a smile.  
  
  
“Hey, guess what?” Tara asked as she popped a piece of carrot in her mouth, “New neighbors moved in.”  
  
  
“Yeah?” Willow asked as she started to bend down to the babies.  
  
  
Tara smirked.  
  
  
“We’re not the only gays in the village anymore…”  
  
  
“Oh good, we haven't had a meeting on The Agenda in months!” Willow quipped and smiled over her shoulder at Tara, “Guys or gals?”  
  
  
“Two guys,” Tara answered with a smile, “Our age. Ish. If you average it out.”  
  
  
“Do they want a baby?” Willow asked with a wink, “We have an extra.”  
  
  
She put her hands on each of the babies’ stomachs and gently shook them to produce giggles.  
  
  
“I’m only joking. How are my girls, huh? Did you miss your Momma? I missed you. Yes, I did. Yes, I did.”  
  
  
She put Lily over her right shoulder holding her there with her right hand and used her left hand to get a grip under Emily’s shoulders and with a quick movement of her right hand for leverage, she got Emily over the other shoulder.  
  
  
“Hah! Baby deadlifts. Arnie ain’t got nothing on me.”  
  
  
Tara smiled and waved at the babies as they looked over Willow’s shoulders at her.  
  
  
Willow brought the twins upstairs and into the main bathroom. Robyn was in there, standing on the step that allowed her to use the sink.  
  
  
“What are you up to?” Willow asked suspiciously.  
  
  
Robyn did jazz hands.  
  
  
“Mom-mee say wash handies fuh dinnah.”  
  
  
“Oh. Good girl,” Willow smiled at her, “You wanna help Momma bath the twins?”  
  
  
Robin put her index finger against her chin and looked off in thought.  
  
  
“Ummmmm…” she pontificated for a long moment, then jumped off her step, “Nope.”  
  
  
She walked away and Willow sighed. She supposed not everyone could find the same joy in Emily learning to splash as she did. She wished she’d asked Robyn to tug down the towel for her though.  
  
  
Upon a quicker look, the towel was already on the floor — nice and crumpled up from Robyn’s use. With her arms getting sore, she brought the twins into hers and Tara’s bedroom where a mat lay ready for them to rest on from when Tara was putting laundry away up there.  
  
  
She set the babies down and hugged herself to stretch her exerted muscles.  
  
  
She was already exhausted.  
  
  
The babies started to roll in opposite directions and Willow had to put an arm across them to stop them.  
  
  
Lily started to make sounds of protest at her positioning.  
  
  
“I hear ya,” Willow cooed softly, “I wouldn’t like being held down on the floor either.”  
  
  
She grinned.  
  
  
“Unless Mommy was doing it.”  
  
  
Her nose scrunched distastefully.  
  
  
“You didn’t hear that!”  
  
  
Since Lily was fussing more, as was usual, Willow undressed her first. As she wrapped up the suspiciously dry used diaper and tied it in a bag to take out after, she took off her sweater and stayed just in a tank top to stop any splashing incidents during bath time.  
  
  
Feeling like she’d outwitted either babies’ curious hands, she picked Lily up to hold against her chest, which usually avoided her escalating into a full-on scream.  
  
  
It worked; Lily happily snuggled into Willow and for a moment Willow had a perfect moment of bliss.  
  
  
A perfect, warm moment of…  
  
  
“Ahh!”  
  
  
Willow realized that warmth was not stemming from a place of maternal love but from between her daughter’s tiny legs and straight through her thin tank top, pooling above the waistband of her pants.  
  
  
“She’s peeing!” she called out to no one in a blind panic, “Tara! She’s peeing! Tara!”  
  
  
Tara’s footsteps were quick on the stairs and she burst into the bedroom in alarm.  
  
  
“Willow, what’s—”  
  
  
She took one look at the scene, Lily’s stream still steadily sticking Willow’s top to her skin, and burst out laughing.  
  
  
Willow looked over at her incredulously.  
  
  
“Stop laughing and help me!”  
  
  
“The bathroom is two feet away!” Tara got out through giggles and Willow looked over to the door to their en suite and ran in.  
  
  
Still struggling to contain the laughter, Tara kneeled before the mat to undress Emily.  
  
  
“You won’t pee on Mommy, will you?”  
  
  
She kept her diaper on until she got into the bathroom, just in case.  
  
  
“Some help you were,” Willow said indignantly from under the shower spray, where she was standing with Lily in her arms.  
  
  
Emily giggled, a bit of a rare treat, and Tara smiled.  
  
  
“Emmy’s with me on this one.”  
  
  
Willow couldn’t keep up the grumpy face so she just stuck out her tongue and they switched babies.  
  
  
Tara dressed Lily in her nightwear and then did the same with Emily while Willow dried off and changed into new clothes.  
  
  
The twins didn’t really need much readying apart from that as they usually just lay one in each of their mothers’ laps while Willow and Tara did their best to eat with a spoon.  
  
  
Tara brought the dish of tuna casserole into the dining room and served it up on all of the plates while the kids ran in and started to demolish it. She went to help Willow bring the babies in and then everyone was eating hungrily around the table.  
  
  
When they were finished, Tara asked JJ to bring in the chocolate pudding and arched an eyebrow at him.  
  
  
“I wonder what those spoon marks are from.”  
  
  
“I wonder too,” JJ replied with a shrug.  
  
  
Tara couldn’t help but grin this time.  
  
  
“Okay everyone let’s do our new game! I want to hear roses and thorns,” Willow said when dessert was spooned out, “My thorn today was getting stuck in traffic this morning. And my rose was getting to come home and see all of you guys!”  
  
  
“I rose is alllllll my fwiends pway barbies tu-day an’ I torn is, ummmmm…stinky boys!”  
  
  
“With you there, sister,” Willow replied and held up a hand to fist bump, which Robyn knocked her whole open palm against and giggled.  
  
  
“Jake?” Tara asked.  
  
  
“Um, my thorn is I got some of my math questions wrong on my pop quiz and my rose is the chocolate pudding!”  
  
  
Tara reached across the table and squeezed his hand.  
  
  
“It’s okay to get things wrong sometimes. Everyone does,” she said softly and he smiled gratefully, “Well, my thorn was that I felt overwhelmed this morning when both of the babies were crying but my rose is that I actually listened when I told myself I could handle it. And I could.”  
  
  
Willow reached over with a smile and rubbed Tara’s shoulder.  
  
  
“We’re proud of you.”  
  
  
“Yeah, mom,” JJ nodded, “Can I change my rose?”  
  
  
Tara nodded.  
  
  
“Seeing you smile was my rose,” JJ said shyly.  
  
  
“Aww!” Willow replied sweetly.  
  
  
“That is very nice, JJ,” Tara added with a warm look, “My boy, I love you so much.”  
  
  
She took a moment of appreciation as she looked around the table.  
  
  
“Okay kids, bring your plates to the sink please,” she said when she felt herself get a little misty-eyed.  
  
  
Not to hide it, just to move forward.  
  
  
“Bedtime soon, Robbie. You can play for thirty minutes before your bath.”  
  
  
The next couple of hours were the hectic chaos of ferrying the children to bed and settling the twins for the night. Finally, exhausted and in bed themselves, Willow and Tara pulled the blanket up over them.  
  
  
Tara glanced over at Willow as she turned her iPad on.  
  
  
“It’s our anniversary on Friday.”  
  
  
Willow smiled across as she put her glasses on.  
  
  
“I know.”  
  
  
Tara swallowed deeply.  
  
  
“I was going to suggest something but I’m afraid if I say it out loud that I can’t take it back.”  
  
  
Willow paused, put her iPad down on her nightstand, and gave her full attention to Tara.  
  
  
“What if you said it with no strings attached?”  
  
  
Tara tucked some hair behind her ear nervously.  
  
  
“I-I wondered if we could get the kids to go on sleepovers and have a night alone?” she said, swallowing again, “All of the kids.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyebrows shot upward.  
  
  
“Really? You’d let the twins go on an overnight?”  
  
  
Tara looked away, then back at Willow with creased, wet eyes.  
  
  
“It’s really hard.”  
  
  
“I know it is,” Willow replied tenderly and started to reach out to her but remembered in time and retracted her hand, “And if that’s too much, that’s okay. We’ll have a family anniversary dinner, it’ll be great.”  
  
  
Tara’s hands fidgeted against the blanket.  
  
  
“Maybe we could put our parents on standby?”  
  
  
Willow nodded, trying not to seem _too_ eager.  
  
  
“Yeah, they’d love it. Dad is always asking and they’ve watched them for a couple of hours a few times before so they know their routine.”  
  
  
She watched the hesitation play out across Tara’s face and gave her a gentle look.  
  
  
“No matter what, I love you so much, Tara.”  
  
  
Tara leaned over and gave Willow a soft hug.  
  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
  
She wanted this. She could do this.  
  
  
And she could listen to that voice.  
  
  
She just had to keep reminding herself.  
  


* * *

  
It took Tara forty minutes to complete the ten-minute walk from Ira and Michelle’s house back to her own because she kept looping around to try and spy on them.  
  
  
Once she thought she saw Ira drop one of the twins through the window and nearly sprinted inside, but when he picked up the fallen object again she saw it was just a doll he was waving about.  
  
  
Teetering way to close to the edge of crazy, but at least able to recognize it now, she finally made herself keep walking all the way home, where Willow should be unloading their dinner picked up from their favorite restaurant in town. She walked in the door and backed up against it.  
  
  
She closed her eyes.  
  
  
She smiled.  
  
  
She did it.  
  
  
When she opened them again Willow had wandered out from the kitchen and was staring down at her phone with a dazed look on her face.  
  
  
Tara pushed off the door and frowned with concern.  
  
  
“Willow?” she asked, stepping toward her wife, “What’s wrong?”  
  
  
Willow slapped her phone against her palm.  
  
  
“Mrs. Michelson died,” she said, still in disbelief, “Her lawyer just called me.”  
  
  
Tara’s chest visibly deflated.  
  
  
“Oh, Willow.”  
  
  
She reached out and clasped Willow’s arm, moving up to rub her neck and shoulder. Willow threw a hand up.  
  
  
“I’ve been expecting it,” she said with a gulp, “It’s not like it’s sudden.”  
  
  
“It's always sudden,” Tara replied softly, “Oh darling, I’m so sorry.”  
  
  
She kissed Willow’s forehead then again on the lips. Willow returned it for a moment and when it stopped their foreheads moved to rest against each other.  
  
  
“I-I’m gonna have to go to Sunnydale,” Willow stumbled over her words, trying to work it all out in her head, “Say goodbye.”  
  
  
Tara nodded with Willow.  
  
  
“And I’ll be right there with you.”  
  
  
Willow’s eyes filled sadly.  
  
  
“Oh, no, Tara, you don’t have to—”  
  
  
“And I will be right there with you,” Tara repeated, insistent.  
  
  
A single tear fell down Willow’s cheek. She took both of Tara’s hands and mouthed ‘I love you’.  
  
  
She accepted Tara’s comfort for a moment, then stood up straight with a long sniffling inhale.  
  
  
“I’ll have to figure out stuff…tomorrow,” she exhaled it all out again, “She would want me to have tonight.”  
  
  
She squeezed Tara’s hands.  
  
  
“She would want us to have tonight.”  
  
  
Tara looked at Willow for a long moment before nodding in agreement.  
  
  
“What do you want to do? Do you want to eat?”  
  
  
Willow’s body suddenly felt very heavy.  
  
  
“Maybe we could just sit for a minute?”  
  
  
“Of course,” Tara replied and they broke only one set of hands to walk into the living room together.  
  
  
On the table was a bottle of champagne and two flutes. Willow picked it up and held it heavy in her hand.  
  
  
“I-I bought this for us. I thought since you won’t be feeding the twins until tomorrow that it would be okay. But now…”  
  
  
“We could toast to her life,” Tara suggested gently, “Or just leave it. Whatever you want.”  
  
  
“No, I’d…” Willow paused and smiled, albeit sadly, “I’d like that.”  
  
  
She nodded to herself once, then twice, and got ready to open it. She popped it off with both thumbs and laughed when some spilled over. She poured two glasses and handed one to Tara.  
  
  
Tara held hers up reverently.  
  
  
“To Ruth.”  
  
  
Willow breathed in slowly.  
  
  
“To Ruth,” she answered with sad acceptance in her voice, “Our daughter’s namesake and the only true mother I’ve ever known.”  
  
  
They clinked glasses and each took a sip.  
  
  
Willow decompressed for a moment, then when Tara lifted her arm invitingly, she snuggled into her wife’s side.  
  
  
With a glass of champagne fizzing through their blood, after months of no alcohol and a similar amount of time since they hadn’t had a single child to take care of, they both promptly passed out right there on the couch.  
  
  
At some point in the middle of the night, Willow woke them both and got them upstairs to bed but even pajamas were too much to aim for and they both just dropped their pants and slept in their shirts.  
  
  
It was well into the morning before either roused and again it was Willow who roused first. It was nice to be woken by Tara’s even breathing and not a screeching baby. Though sometimes Lily woke her up laughing and that was just as good.  
  
  
Emily laughed sometimes too but it always quiet and one-on-one like she was sharing it just for you.  
  
  
Willow glanced at the clock and rolled her shoulder blades happily. It was the latest number she’d seen upon waking for a while.  
  
  
She rolled onto her back to stretch out fully and when everything had popped satisfactorily she turned her head to look at Tara’s sleeping face.  
  
  
Willow hadn’t even realized how fretful it had become until Tara had finally settled back into a better sleep routine and she remembered how peaceful her wife looked. Especially in the mornings when the sun would strain through the blinds and make it look like a halo resided over her.  
  
  
Now that Tara was letting her help bottle feed the twins at night, there had been a few mornings Willow had sat with a baby in her arms watching her wife sleep with the early morn sun radiating in on them and thought life couldn’t get much better than this.  
  
  
Or when Tara would fall asleep as they were feeding side-by-side on the two-seater recliner they'd bought for the nursery. They’d spent a small fortune on it but it was worth every penny when one of the babies wouldn’t settle without the other one with them, usually Lily since Emily took a little longer to feed.  
  
  
Once, both of the babies were running small fevers and restless and wouldn’t stop crying. It woke up both JJ and Robyn who ended up coming in and they all snuggled in together and eventually fell asleep until morning.  
  
  
It was a nice image for Willow to retain as she thought of her loss yesterday.  
  
  
And there was a nice image to enjoy right at this very moment with a whole night’s sleep cushioning her brain in a delightfully lazy haze.  
  
  
Tara must have realized she was being stared at because after a few minutes her eyes twitched and then opened, sending pools of sweet blue warmth toward Willow.  
  
  
Tara raised her hand and let it fall onto Willow’s thigh.  
  
  
“Hi love,” she greeted with some adorable morning gruff, which she cleared with a swallow and looked at Willow tenderly, “How are you feeling?”  
  
  
Willow understood what was being asked.  
  
  
“Sad,” she said with a tight curve of her lips, “But…okay. I am. Or I will be. But, yeah. I’m okay.”  
  
  
She exhaled softly.  
  
  
“I’m bummed her store won’t be there anymore though. Feels like a piece of my childhood is being ripped out.”  
  
  
“It was probably costing her to keep it open,” Tara replied softly.  
  
  
Willow frowned.  
  
  
“Which kinda makes it all the sadder. All that love she put into it.”  
  
  
Tara turned herself onto her side and brushed her hand over Willow’s collarbone.  
  
  
“You know what else she put all of her love into?” she asked and looked down pointedly, “You.”  
  
  
She pressed her lips against Willow’s.  
  
  
“And she will live in you every day.”  
  
  
Willow smiled and realized what she said before was true; she was okay. Or would be. Either way, she knew she wasn’t alone.  
  
  
She picked at Tara’s crumpled blouse and laughed.  
  
  
“Look at us,” she said, shaking her head, “Still _in_ our clothes from the night before. So much for ‘having tonight’.”  
  
  
“A full night’s sleep is the best gift you could have given me,” Tara replied with a wry smile.  
  
  
“Ditto,” Willow grinned, then bit down on her lip, “But I did get you something.”  
  
  
She tossed herself over and opened her nightstand drawer pulling out an envelope. She turned back and handed it to Tara.  
  
  
“Happy Anniversary.”  
  
  
“Thank you,” Tara replied sweetly and opened it up.  
  
  
When she pulled out what was inside, she burst out laughing.  
  
  
“What?” Willow asked with a confused frown, “It’s for the spa you like. You can have a full day of treatments while I watch the kids.”  
  
  
Tara placed it down between them, rolled over to her nightstand and took out a similarly decorated envelope.  
  
  
Predictably, the inside was similar as well.  
  
  
“Hah!” Willow cackled with a huge grin, “I think this is the old married lady equivalent of when two people plan to propose at the same time.”  
  
  
She smiled at Tara.  
  
  
“I guess we’re doing a ‘couple’ day,” she said and arched one eyebrow, “If you’re okay with leaving the kids again…”  
  
  
Tara took a calming breath.  
  
  
“Can we wait a couple of weeks so I can psyche myself back up?”  
  
  
“Absolutely,” Willow replied sincerely, then lowered her voice to a whisper, “And I’m so proud of you.”  
  
  
She leaned in and Tara moved in the rest of the way to nuzzle their noses.  
  
  
Willow sighed luxuriously.  
  
  
“How do you feel about a leftover carbonara breakfast?” she asked in a seductive voice, “I’ll even crisp up the garlic bread the fancy way, not in the microwave.”  
  
  
“Don’t you set my toaster on fire again,” Tara replied with a messy arched eyebrow, “Sounds like something that could be pushed to brunch…”  
  
  
“Mmmm,” Willow replied and they leaned together again but met at the lips this time.  
  
  
They both turned on their sides and their bare legs brushed together. It was the closet contact they’d had in a while and both shivered when they felt the connection of thighs.  
  
  
Tara had to drag herself away on the night gasping breath.  
  
  
“Willow, I’m—” she stopped and cleared her throat as she looked Willow in the eyes, “I’m so sorry but I’m…just not ready to have full sex yet.”  
  
  
Willow was quick to reassure.  
  
  
“Tara, that’s f—”  
  
  
“It's not you or us,” Tara cut her off to continue, “It's me. I've been working so hard on my ‘mind stuff’ I haven't been able to work on my ‘body stuff’ yet.”  
  
  
Willow took a moment to think before she replied.  
  
  
“Do you remember how much big doofuses we were back in college. Me mostly, admittedly, but remember?”  
  
  
Tara blushed lightly.  
  
  
“Yes.”  
  
  
Willow nudged Tara’s knee.  
  
  
“We worked it out then and we'll work it out again,” she said, resolute and secure, “I don't care how long it takes.”  
  
  
Her hand lifted to cup Tara’s cheek but faltered at the last second. Before she could take it back, Tara grabbed it and put it down gently on where it was supposed to be. She nuzzled into Willow’s palm.  
  
  
“I’m not afraid of you touching me anymore,” she whispered with their gazes locked, “So I don’t want you to be afraid of touching me anymore either.”  
  
  
Willow’s heart sped up even from the simple contact.  
  
  
“It doesn’t happen anymore? When I touch you?”  
  
  
“I still get flashbacks,” Tara replied evenly, “But I know how to deal with it now. Stop it from escalating.”  
  
  
She turned her head in and kissed where she had nuzzled.  
  
  
“But I’m ready to change my associations. Build up new memories…”  
  
  
Willow smiled softly.  
  
  
“Just slow.”  
  
  
“Just slow,” Tara confirmed.  
  
  
Willow waggled her eyebrows.  
  
  
“Well as you know…” she said in an over-the-top suggestive voice, “I’ve always liked it slow.”  
  
  
Tara pursed her lips but a smile still broke out across her face — slowly, of course.  
  
  
“Is Dream Tara still putting out, at least?”  
  
  
“Oh, daily,” Willow grinned.  
  
  
Tara laughed and planted a kiss on her wife’s lips.  
  
  
“Happy Anniversary, Willow.”  
  
  
Willow rubbed her thumb over Tara’s face, remembering what it felt like to feel her cheekbones.  
  
  
“Do you remember our anniversary this time last year?” she asked with a chuckle, “We didn’t think we’d have two four-month-olds in a year’s time.”  
  
  
Tara just shook her head with wide eyes.  
  
  
“Both anniversaries last year were not…” she paused and her jaw clenched, “I was so upset about not getting pregnant for our February anniversary…we just ate pizza, not even good pizza…and did we even acknowledge our wedding anniversary while we were in the NICU?”  
  
  
“I don’t think we did,” Willow shook her head.  
  
  
Tara caught Willow’s eye again and felt some tears start to fill her eyes.  
  
  
“I got so lost.”  
  
  
“And this time I couldn’t find you,” Willow said wistfully, “You had to find you. But I’ve been here waiting with the light on all along.”  
  
  
“I’m here. I’m here now,” Tara promised with another soft kiss, “And I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
  
Willow smiled and they kissed again.  
  
  
“I think I see it now,” Tara whispered into the kiss, “The light.”  
  
  
She placed a palm over Willow’s heart.  
  
  
“Right in here. I had to look past my own shadow to see it.”  
  
  
“I love you, Tara,” Willow whispered back.  
  
  
“I love you, Willow,” Tara said with all of the adoration her heart was able to express, “And our lovely children who are probably driving their grandparents crazy.”  
  
  
Willow smiled, acquiescing.  
  
  
“You want to go collect the kids?”  
  
  
Tara did, truthfully, but she also didn’t want this pocket of joy to end.  
  
  
“We should have a couple of non-sleeping hours to ourselves.”  
  
  
Willow nodded agreeably.  
  
  
“What do you want to do?”  
  
  
Tara looked over her shoulder at the light shining through the window and then back at her wife.  
  
  
“Appreciate that sunny day.”  
  
  
“I'm all for some appreciation,” Willow agreed fondly, “Mostly for my strong, brave wife.”  
  
  
“Funny,” Tara smiled, “I was thinking the same thing.”  
  
  
They shared a loving look, then Tara rubbed Willow’s leg.  
  
  
“Let’s have that day off you gave me for Christmas. And my belated gift back can be me as your company.”  
  
  
Willow beamed.  
  
  
It was so moving to hear Tara say something where she held herself in high esteem.  
  
  
Tara stood with her hand stretched back.  
  
  
“C'mon. Let's go.”  
  
  
Willow closed her hand in Tara’s and followed.  
  
  
It didn't matter where.  
  
  
The direction was superfluous.  
  
  
All that matter was how they moved toward it.  
  
  
Side by side.  
  
  
Finally walking toward the light again.  
  
  
It didn’t mean that there wouldn’t be more shadows and it didn’t mean that every step would be easy but the footprints they left in the sand would always be together.  
  
  
They took their first step on this new meandering of their well-worn path; knowing that where there's light, there's shadow but accepting it for what it was.  
  
  
Remembering always that shadow passes but light remains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue coming at ya tomorrow!


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read this and who still have love for these characters all these years later!  
> Big thanks to **Georgy_porgy, DarkWiccan, Vazy, Dawn250180** & **danverspotsticker** for taking the time to leave feedback!

* * *

_**Epilogue** _  


* * *

** Six Years Later **

  
Tara walked through her office after printing some documents and sat back into her chair - the ergonomic one Willow had always wanted to buy her and she'd finally allowed.

She looked around at the suspiciously at the empty cubicles nearby.

“Where are Alice and Michelle?”

One of their two new fresh-out-of-college recruits, Joshua and Brandon, popped up from behind his partition.

“They cut out early,” Josh said and then Brandon suddenly appeared from the other side.

“You should too.”

They happened to be identical twins and Tara _may_ have been a little biased in hiring them. They weren’t bad at the job, they were quite caring in fact, but they did need a little bit more professional molding.

“Thanks, boys, but I think I’ll stay and catch up on some paperwork,” Tara replied pointedly, and started to repeatedly press the screen’s buttons on the computer that hadn’t been replaced for the entire time she’d been working there, “If my computer will co-operate.”

She looked under her desk to see if the power plug was loose but it was stuck right in. After a few more attempts to produce any kind of screen movement, she threw up her hands.

“Okay. IT isn’t going to come out this late. I guess the universe is telling me something.”

She stood and grabbed her purse.

“I need those foster action plans on my desk by 10 am.”

“You got it, boss!” Brandon saluted, then when Tara was sufficiently far enough away not to hear, he continued, “She’s not even going to be here tomorrow. Can you say automatic extension?”

“How’d you make her computer stay off?” Josh asked.

Brandon held up a cable that led nowhere.

“Dummy plug.”

“Old school,” Brandon complimented and held up his hand for a high five, “Nice.”

Out in the car, Tara switched through some radio stations as she pulled out of the parking lot.

“Speaking at the White House today, President Warren—”

“The moon mining mission today hit a snag when—”

“The fate of upcoming movie Avatar 4 has again been called into question after allegations that—”

Finally, some Destiny’s Child played on the oldies channel and Tara left it there to play in the background as she drove.

It was a nice time to leave work; the sweet spot between when schools got out and when offices started to close up. The streets were relatively clear and she could sing along with how Bootylicious she was without a care in the world.

When she got home, she was surprised to see Willow’s car already in the driveway.

She parked up beside it and let herself into the house.

“Willow, are you home already?” she called out as she closed the door, “Did you remember to pick up Lily’s Ritalin? I rescheduled our therapy appointment like you asked…”

She trailed off and paused.

Something was off.

All of the doors were closed, for one.

She took a step inside and noticed a post-it stuck to the pole at the base of the stairs, telling her to go up. It was in Willow’s handwriting.

“…Willow?” she called again, but everything was eerily quiet, “Kids?”

When there was no answer, she resigned herself to whatever plan her mischievous wife and kids were up to.

She made her way upstairs, passing photo frames on the wall along the way.

A picture of Lisa and Rose lived there now, along with one of Ira and Michelle all dressed up in black and white respectively, and photos of Mrs. Potts and Ruth.

A collage of Lily and Emily’s first photo in their crib; JJ and Woofy getting a rosette at the local dog show; Robyn winning her first soccer league; Willow and Tara cutting a ribbon outside a store.

There were photos of them all together, of course. Some were taken from holidays like their Christmas card one year of them all wearing their animal hats so lovingly knitted by their missed neighbor. Some were taken on vacations or Halloween; the most prominent one from the twins' first birthday when Willow had pulled off her Cat In The Hat theme and fulfilled her dreams of dressing the them up as Thing 1 and Thing 2.

Tara had to give it to her wife, it was all that the neighborhood talked about for weeks.

Upstairs, a new trail of post-its led Tara to hers and Willow’s bedroom. Inside, a gown cover lay across the bed with a note that said ‘wear me’.

Tara unzipped it and her brow furrowed when she saw it was her wedding dress, which hadn’t even been out of the back of her closet in many years.

“What on earth…”

She took it from the bag, where another note was pressed to it saying ‘just wear me’ and she had to laugh.

“Alright, Willow,” she said with amusement but wasn’t sure it was going to fit after decades and babies and surgeries (and plenty of wine and cheese too).

She undressed down to her already-matching bra and panties and stepped into the dress with a slightly bracing look on her face. To her surprise, it fit like a glove.

She turned around in it and smiled as it swished around her ankles, then held her bust, which she still filled out nicely.

“Wow,” she whispered to herself as she smoothed her hand over her stomach.

After putting on the shoes that were left out for her — white heels that were thoughtfully supplemented with gel insoles — she followed instructions to go back downstairs. This time she heard another very familiar voice say ‘wow’.

“Oh my god, Tara,” Willow’s eyes glazed from the foot of the stairs, where she too was donning her wedding dress, “You look amazing.”

She held her hands out for Tara to take and helped her down the last step.

“And yes I did remember the Ritalin,” she grinned, “AND Emily's inhaler, before you ask. I have got this parenting thing down too, you know.”

Tara gestured Willow up and down, speechless at how beautiful she looked.

“Willow, what the heck is going on?”

Willow made a little pout but her eyes were dancing playfully.

“You don’t remember?”

Tara gestured between them.

“I think I would remember…whatever this is.”

Willow grinned and looked up wistfully.

“‘On our…20th anniversary, Willow Rosenberg-Maclay, will you—”

“Marry me again,” Tara finished softly.

Sudden images flooded her mind of being on one knee as she ‘proposed’ again in their bedroom while Willow was pregnant, after Willow getting all in a fluster when she thought she’d lost her ring but Tara had just taken it to get cleaned. It had been a moment, just a passing moment between them that Tara hadn’t put any stock in. But Willow had.

“I can’t believe you remember that.”

“I’ve been planning it ever since that day,” Willow smiled tenderly, “And guess what? It’s our 20th anniversary today.”

Tara felt tears spring to her eyes as she realized what Willow had done. She lifted her hands up a bit helplessly.

“My hair—”

“Looks amazing since you became a brunette?” Willow grinned, “Hard agree.”

She placed her hands on the back of Tara’s neck and rested their foreheads together.

“You have never looked more beautiful.”

Tara smiled through glassy eyes and gently pulled the fabric at her hips.

“I can’t believe this still fits me.”

Willow just smiled and didn’t bother to tell Tara that she’d had both of their dresses altered.

It didn’t matter.

It wasn’t important.

“Are you ready?”

Tara raised an eyebrow.

“Ready for what exactly?”

“Our wedding,” Willow said with mock-exasperation, as she opened the kitchen door, “Now…we have to share a best man.”

Inside the door, JJ stood awkwardly filling out his suit as he’d gone through yet another growth spurt in the time between when Willow had bought it from him and today. His teenage face bore the shapely features of the adult he was becoming but his youthful smile betrayed his young age. A typical bout of acne confirmed it.

Tara’s hands covered her mouth as she saw him all dressed up.

“And a bridesmaid,” Willow continued, pushing the door open enough to see Robyn, her wild strawberry-blonde locks flowing right down her back and her scuffed and dirty sneakers kicking out from under her pink dress, “But we do get a flower girl each.”

Willow let the door open fully where Lily and Emily were standing; Lily jumping back and forth on her heels and Emily with her arms bent behind her back, swaying from side to side and her glasses sitting a little bent on her face. They each wore white dresses with poofy skirts and had a basket with pink and white flowers on their arms.

“Oh look at all of you,” Tara said, holding her face as she looked back and over them all repeatedly before putting her fingers against JJ’s cheeks, “My handsome boy.”

“Moooommmm…” JJ protested but didn’t twist out of her grasp like he had done many, many times before.

Lily jumped for Tara’s attention, spilling a few petals.

“Mommy you’re getting married and I’m gonna be your flower girl and Momma says I can have as much cake as I like and it’s chocolate cake and do you like my dress and—”

“I love your dress, Lil,” Tara replied softly, moving down onto her knees, “And yours, Em. Did you pick it?”

Emily nodded keenly.

“ _I_ picked it,” Lily jumped it, then glanced sideways, “Emily helped.”

“I’m sure you _both_ picked it,” Tara replied with a serious nod, “And you both did a great job.”

She kissed both of their foreheads and pivoted to Robyn, giving her a half-smile.

“Wearing shorts under there?”

Robyn gave the same smile back.

“Can’t play soccer in a dress, Mom.”

“Or you could go one day with a little break from soccer,” Willow called from behind, “But if you _insist_ , then not in front of the guests. Only in the front yard…”

Robyn opened and closed her mouth mockingly while Willow spoke.

“Don’t mock your mother,” Tara chastised but she was still smiling.

“Hey!” Willow protested from behind, “What are you doing?”

She dropped to her knees and grabbed Robyn from behind.

“Are you mocking me with silly faces?” she said in the same kind of mocking tone, “Are you? Huh?”

She started to tickle Robyn, who began giggling uncontrollably.

“Oh no…” Tara said, lifting her arm up shakily as if she couldn’t control it, “I think it’s catching…!”

Her arm flew forward and caught Lily and then her other arm did the same to Emily. She pretended to fight it but lost and started to tickle them too.

In fits of laughter, Robyn tried to twist out of Willow’s arms.

“JJ save me!”

JJ cracked a smiled and after a requisite eye roll, he moved to intervene but Willow was too quick and caught his sensitive ankles.

“Hey!” he yelped and grabbed it, “Can we get on with this so I can eat?”

Willow released Robyn with a kiss and stood up to face JJ.

“I’m sorry, has it been whole minutes since you last cleared out my fridge?”

“Leave him alone,” Tara added, making her way back up to a standing position again, “He’s a growing boy.”

“I’m a growing boy,” JJ teased Willow and stuck out his tongue.

Willow stuck hers out back and then smiled at Tara.

“You ready?”

“No,” Tara laughed, “Not even slightly. But I’ve never wanted to do anything more.”

Willow nodded to JJ who stepped up and opened the sliding door to the back yard. He pressed a button on his phone and the opening bars of Peter Gabriel’s ‘Book of Love’ began to play.

“Oh, Willow,” Tara said, placing a hand against her heart as she remembered the first time they got ready to walk down the aisle to that song.

“Em, Lil, go,” Willow pushed their backs gently, “Like we practiced.”

Lily and Emily walked outside and turned toward where the ceremony was set up. There was a little aisle of red carpet laid out and meandered between rows of chairs that led to a wooden chuppah. It was carved with small hearts, Ws and Ts and was strewn with garlands of pink daisies.

The other half of the yard had empty tables laid out in an L shape with white tablecloths and there was an additional table already piled generously with bottles of alcohol and a big bucket of ice underneath.

Big outdoor heaters surrounded the area in a semi-circle and roof lights hung down from the house, just starting to glow warmly as the sky very slowly turned from blue to purple.

Emily made her way down the middle aisle, shyly averting her gaze from anyone as she gently threw out some petals. Lily did a cartwheel, losing the entire contents of her basket in the process and then did somersaults until she reached the end.

Once at the front, Michelle pulled Emily onto her lap and Ira kept a loose grip on Lily while she bounced around excitedly.

Inside, Robyn clung out of JJ’s arm as they started the same walk. They managed to pull it off without incident and broke off to wait either side of the chuppah for their parents.

Willow held out her hand for Tara and Tara took it.

“Let’s do this all over again.”

On a perfect romantic swell, they stepped out together and every one of their friends and family, who were sitting out there on a Tuesday afternoon just to celebrate with them, stood and clapped. Even Garrett and Will from across the street had clearly taken time off of work to be there.

Tara felt misty-eyed and smiled at everyone gratefully.

The song finished before they got to the front but only by a couple of steps. It allowed everyone to settle while Willow and Tara situated themselves under the canopy.

Tara’s eyes roamed over the chuppah, admiring it, then they finally settled again on Willow. Both sets of hands clasped each other and they shared a smile.

Tara waited a moment, then looked around, expecting to see a celebrant of some sort.

“There isn’t one,” Willow said upon recognizing Tara’s confusion and understanding immediately where it stemmed from, “I didn’t get a celebrant because I don’t need anyone to guide me in telling you how much I love you and how much every second of the last twenty years has been more than I ever could have dreamed.”

Tara swallowed some emotion and smiled. Willow tugged Tara’s hands gently.

“Tara,” she started reverently, “My Tara. I forgot my vows the first time around because I was so overcome with the fact that this beautiful woman was standing in front of me about to become my wife. So this time, I wasn’t going to leave it to chance. I employed some help.”

Robyn skidded in front of them.

“Mom, you light Momma up whenever she’s in the room.”

Lily took the spot and pulled at the skirt of Tara’s dress.

“Mommy your eyes are so pretty that Momma spends days lost in them,” she reiterated proudly, “I don’t know how you can get lost in eyes because they’re not very big but Momma said I had to say that exactly right so I practiced and I got it right, didn’t I Momma?!”

“You sure did baby,” Willow complimented softly.

Tara winked at her and Emily came up to stand shyly between them.

“M-M-Mommy,” Emily started and looked back to Willow, who gave her an encouraging nod, “M-Momma loves you so much. She, she can’t even count. A-And she knows a lot of numbers.”

Everyone laughed and Emily smiled softly at the reaction.

“That was perfect, Em,” Willow whispered.

“Great job, sweetie,” Tara added to her and squeezed her hand as she passed.

Willow mimed ‘so much’ to Tara with her hands while JJ stepped forward.

“Mom,” he said, his voice still a little too deep for his face, “Momma asked me to say that spending all of these years loving, honoring, and cherishing you has been the biggest privilege of her life.”

Willow and Tara smiled at each other.

“But we want to hijack this to say…”

All of the kids rushed to stand with JJ and spoke in unison.

“We couldn’t ask for better Moms!”

“Ohh!” Tara said, holding a hand to her heart and stepped forward to hug them all.

Willow did the same while holding back tears and there were a few more claps from the seats.

The kids ran off to sit in the front row with Ira and Michelle and Willow took Tara’s hands again.

She took a short breath and smiled.

“Okay. So, one thing I can handle myself: the numbers. As established, I know a lot of them.”

Tara raised an eyebrow, intrigued and Willow retained a wide smile.

“Four kids. Three homes. Two cities. One dog.”

Woofy barked from inside the house and everybody laughed. Willow kept her face fixed on Tara.

“631,152,000 seconds. 10,519,200 minutes. 175,320 hours. 7305 days.”

She stepped closer to Tara so the fronts of their shoes touched.

“One life. One heart. One soul. One love,” she said, getting choked up for a moment, “My love.”

She took in a deep breath to stave too much emotion overwhelming her.

“Twenty. Years,” she said emphatically, squeezing Tara’s palms, “And we’re only getting started. That I can vow to you. For infinity.”

There was a small round of claps and then Tara cleared her throat.

“Well, unlike some people, I’ve only known this was happening for the past ten minutes or so and have nothing prepared.”

More laughter followed while Tara took a minute to compose her thoughts. She finally just looked into Willow’s eyes and knew what to say.

“When I met you, I could never imagine what was waiting for me twenty years down the line. Where we’d live or what we’d do or…” she stopped and looked to the front row, “The wonderful family that we’d make.”

She looked back at Willow.

“But what I did know, even in that first spark of meeting, was that you would still be in my life. That you would be my life. When you looked at me I saw the future in your eyes. And when you look at me now I still see the future,” she said as her smile radiated across her face, “My love. My light. My everything. My always. You have my heart. It’s yours forever. It doesn’t just beat for you, it beats with you. I will continue to walk with you, side-by-side, through the shadows and into the light until it beats no more.”

She lifted Willow’s hands upward and kissed each one.

“That I can vow to you. For infinity.”

They shared a lingering grin that stretched across their faces.

“Can we get our ring bearer?” Willow asked.

JJ whistled and Woofy came running out in a little doggie tux with a ring pillow tied to his back. He sat between Willow and Tara’s feet and accepted plenty of pets for pulling off his stunt. Willow took the ring box secured on his back and popped it open, revealing two white gold bands with five brilliant round cut diamonds and smaller diamonds going around the rest of the band.

Tara’s eyes widened considerably.

Willow took one out and pushed it onto Tara’s finger.

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”

Tara swallowed a lump and with a slight shake in her fingers, took the second ring, admiring its heaviness, and pressed it onto Willow’s finger.

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”

Willow left the ring box down again and took Tara’s face in her hands to plant a smooch on her lips.

After lingering a moment, she pulled away and stomped her foot on the piece of fabric obscuring some glass near one of the chuppah poles.

“Mazel tov!” everyone called to the sky.

“Shalom!” Buffy’s lone voice rang out followed swiftly by, “God-DAMMIT! AGAIN!”

Willow giggled and Tara leaned into her ear.

“Nice bling.”

“I thought you’d like it,” Willow grinned, “Don’t say I don’t take care of you.”

Tara took Willow’s face in her hands this time and kissed her repeatedly; soft kisses that lingered and promised and reassured all at once.

Willow paused, briefly, aware they still had an audience. She looked out to the crowd.

“Um, there will be caterers with food shortly but please help yourself to drinks at the drinks table, and thank you so much, everyone, for coming!”

“Thank you!” Tara echoed and gladly let Willow pull her off into a corner, accidentally pushing her into her own rose bush, “Willow! You disrupted my soil.”

“Oh what a horrible slight I have made upon you, however, could I rectify it?” Willow grinned sarcastically.

She placed her palms under Tara’s shoulders, who held Willow at her waist.

“Sorry. You know I get thorny about my roses.”

Willow waggled her eyebrows.

“And you know I get horny when you speak thorny to me.”

They giggled together and for a moment looked like those two blushing kids sitting in a swan boat waiting for the other to kiss them.

With twenty years of confidence and love to bolster them, neither waited for the other this time.

Just like on their first wedding day, they stayed kissing in the shadows while the party started without them, and just like on their first wedding day, they were interrupted. But they only had themselves to blame for this one, since they had produced the interruption in question.

Robyn came over and tugged on both of their dresses.

“Ew gross,” she said with her lips curling up in disgust upon seeing what they were doing, “Moms, can I go with Nana Rose to the market? She says one of the heaters melted all the ice.”

“Goddammit,” Willow blew out some air in frustration, “They told me it would be fine in the insulated bucket!”

Tara held up her hands to calm Willow.

“It’s okay. It’s just some ice. It will be replaced soon,” she said with a reassuring nod to Willow, then looked back down at Robyn, “Don’t pester her for candy.”

“No promises,” Robyn called back as she ran off, holding her dress above her ankles, “Her Tesla produces so much less CO2, I need the sugar to fuel the glee at not destroying the environment!”

Willow rolled her eyes and smiled at Tara. She offered her hand.

“We have a little social justice activist on our hands. Let’s go enjoy our party.”

“Willow, everything is beautiful,” Tara replied softly, “I’m so touched you’ve done all this without me even knowing.”

Willow winked.

“That’s the benefit of marrying a younger woman.”

Tara’s lips sloped up on one side.

“You’re not any younger than me than the last time we got married.”

“I’m in a whole different decade,” Willow protested indignantly, her chest puffed out.

Tara arched her eyebrow.

“You’re going to be 40 in a couple of short months too.”

“So let me lap it up until then,” Willow grinned and winked again.

She squeezed Tara’s hand and they walked back around the rosebush into the party. JJ had put some music on now and the caterers were unpacking the food onto the tables, laying it full with eggplant parmesan, roast beef, and mashed potatoes, mac’n’cheese, lasagna, a few different kinds of salads and an assortment of desserts heavy on the chocolate. It was twilight by now and the fairy lights were really starting to glow.

As they stepped back in, Ira was quick to clear his throat and let his voice fill the yard.

“Ahem,” he caught everyone’s attention and brought his arm around to gesture at the couple, “Mrs. and Mrs. Rosenberg-Maclay. For the second time.”

From wherever they were standing, all of the guests started to clap and a few threw in some hollers and whistles.

Willow waved like she was the queen and Tara blushed but smiled in gratitude at everyone. She smiled up at Ira and patted his bowtie affectionately.

“Ira, you look so dapper.”

“It was an honor to again witness your vows,” Ira replied fondly and linked arms with Michelle, who he looked at adoringly, “And even lovelier to have my wife on my arm this time.”

“You look stunning, Michelle,” Willow complimented her red and gold patterned attire, “That is a gorgeous dress.”

Michelle bowed her head bashfully.

“I missed the first one. I had to make up for it.”

“And we’re both so grateful to be here,” Ira added, placing a hand on his heart, “And to have our health.”

“I ordered you a special low-salt meal,” Willow said to Ira, rubbing his arm, “We’re so glad to have you here too.”

At that moment, Will spun Tara from behind and gestured up and down her dress.

“You look fab-u-lous!”

“Oh please, tone down the homo in front of the straights,” Garrett said, holding a hand up with a chuckle, “They’re not equipped.”

Ira and Michelle smiled and nodded but did creep off to the side.

“Never tone it down,” Tara replied, hugging them both and touching each of their bowties, “So dapper. Thank you so much for coming. We need to have dinner again soon, it’s been too long.”

“We haven’t seen you since our celebration for Jodie Foster’s birthday,” Will nodded seriously.

Willow grinned and swung her whole body into it.

“The Agenda needs an update. I say we demand better parking outside the Y. I feel like I live in that parking lot ferrying all the kids to their activities,” she quipped, then spotted something over all of their shoulders, “Oh, help needed!”

“She’s so cute when she overplays that joke,” Will said with genuine affection, holding his hand against her heart.

Tara reached out and touched his arm.

“She thinks it’s really funny, don’t tell her.”

Willow hastily made her way across the yard when she spotted Rose had returned with the ice and was trying to angle the nearest heater away from it.

“Thank you, Rose. I thought I had everything figured out but thermodynamics foiled me again.”

“It’s no problem,” Rose smiled as some of the kids came up to steal ice to throw at each other, “The cashier did look at me oddly as to why I was buying thirty bags of ice in the middle of winter, though.”

Willow’s hands flew to her hips as if she had pockets.

“Oh, I’ll pay you back.”

Rose held up a hand.

“As I said, it’s no problem.”

Tara excused herself at that moment and came up to hug Rose.

“Rose, thank you so much for coming. We haven’t seen you in so long! You’re so busy touring the country giving your talks. The kids miss you. And we miss you.”

Rose smiled bashfully.

“Starting the Lisa Monroe Foundation for Automobile Safety would have been pointless if I missed out on Lisa Monroe’s daughter’s nuptials. She would never forgive me.”

“She was a very forgiving sort,” Tara smiled and Rose seemed far-away for a moment.

“Yes, she was,” Rose nodded and raised the glass she’d poured while they’d been talking, “And she finally put my retirement to good use so cheers to her.”

Willow handed Tara a glass of wine and kept one for herself, which she clinked against Rose’s glass.

“Cheers to Lisa,” she said as she beamed at Tara, “She gave me my wife.”

“Cheers to Mom,” Tara answered wryly, “She gave me my life.”

“Here in spirit,” Rose said wistfully with every ounce of love that had never left her, “And she did always enjoy a spirit.”

Willow’s eyes grew wide.

“Could she speak to ghosts?”

Rose laughed loudly, a real hearty laugh from her belly.

“No, honey, but she sure could charm a bottle of vodka.”

“Oh,” Willow replied sheepishly, “And with that I back away slowly.”

As she did so, Robyn came bounding across the yard with her soccer ball in hand.

“Pixie, wanna come play with me?”

Pixie, whose tiny frame and elfin features suited her name, whipped her long, pink-hued blonde hair back over her shoulder.

“Dropkick!”

Robyn complied and booted the ball toward Pixie. Unfortunately, her aim was off to the left, and Anya got it right in the back of the head. She spun around, irate.

“You two and that dratted ball! I have enough balls flying at my face every night!” she put it under her arm and looked down sternly at the girls, who were trying not to giggle, “I’m partner at my firm now, don’t think I won’t sue just because you’re small humans and I birthed one of you! Xander, tell them to stop kicking me with the ball.”

Once again backing away from an awkward situation, Willow found Becky and waved on approach.

“Hello, Principal Hardy.”

Becky rolled her eyes to herself.

“When are you going to stop greeting me like that?”

“When it stops being funny,” Willow grinned.

“So six months ago when I got the job?” Becky shot back.

Willow stuck out her tongue and looked over Becky’s shoulder where her father and Brian were sharing a beer and in deep discussion.

“I thought when my dad retired he and Brian would stop talking shop all the time.”

“Are you kidding?” Becky laughed loudly, “Ever since Brian took over Ira’s role in the company, they have like weekly phone calls. It’s a big step up for him, he wants to get it right.”

“Will he switch off when you go on your cruise this summer?” Willow asked with a hopeful pep in her tone, “I know you spent a lot of money.”

Becky smirked and sipped on her drink.

“He has to — the signal onboard is awful.”

Willow chuckled and clinked their glasses together. As she did so, Lily suddenly pounced on her from nowhere.

“Momma, I would never poke you in the eye so hard that it falls out. Even if you were really mean to me, I'd never do it! Where’s Zayde? Never mind I see him!”

“Err thanks kiddo…” Willow replied as Lily sped off as quick as she’d come, “I think…”

Becky arched an eyebrow.

“Your kid is strange.”

Willow watched Lily skip up to Ira and start to dance with him.

“Occasionally. But not callous. You gotta give her that.”

Both Willow and Tara had to spend some time moving around the party just so they could thank everyone for coming, but kept an eye on each other and eventually met back up at the drinks table for a refresh, where Buffy was also filling her glass with seltzer.

“Where are the twins?” Tara asked as she cast her eye about and saw Robyn playing with Ella and Pixie but not them.

“Playing dress-up,” Willow answered, pointing to just outside the kitchen door where they’d dragged their dress-up chest.

“Of course, our Halloween babies, what else?” Tara smiled, grateful to take a break from everything for a moment, “I’m surprised you’re not in there with them.”

Willow mocked being aghast.

“Do you hear how my wife speaks to me?” she asked Buffy, “Like I’m her fifth child!”

“You asked for a reward chart last week so you could have more TV time,” Tara replied with an arched eyebrow.

“She watches so many gardening shows,” Willow defended herself to Buffy.

“You can watch your shows on your iPad,” Tara countered.

“I like to snuggle!” Willow replied with an indignant raise of her chin.

Buffy smiled between them.

“You guys just don’t get less cute, do you?”

Willow smiled and Tara blushed but was smiling too. She tucked some hair behind her ear.

“How are you, Buffy?”

Buffy nodded eagerly.

“I’m great, thank you.”

Tara smiled again.

“Where’s Angel?”

Buffy waved a hand about.

“He couldn’t get here until after dark.”

Tara nodded and brushed her fingers against Willow’s arm.

“I’m going to get some food, I’m famished. Does anybody want anything?”

Buffy and Willow both shook their heads. Tara went off to get a plate and Willow poured herself more wine.

“Top you up?” she offered, reaching for some bottles at the back, “Is that white wine or gin?”

Buffy suddenly stalled.

“Um…” she stopped and swallowed, “Just seltzer, actually.”

Willow frowned.

“There should be something you like, I practically cleared out the liquor store.”

Buffy pursed her lips.

“Actually…” she opened and closed her mouth, then her brow furrowed unsurely, “I’m pregnant.”

Willow dropped the bottle in her hand but thankfully it just spilled a little and didn’t smash. She put it upright and spun around to Buffy.

“What?!”

Buffy reached across herself and rubbed her opposite arm.

“I wasn’t going to say anything. It’s your day.”

Willow’s mouth hung open, stunned.

“Is this…happy news?”

The smile slowly spread across Buffy’s face.

“Angel actually smiled when I told him.”

“Ahh!” Willow screamed happily and drew attention, but it was quickly lost again, “Buff, I’m so happy for you.”

She threw her arms around her friend.

“I didn’t think you wanted kids.”

“It wasn’t planned. It just happened,” Buffy said with a shrug, “I’m nervous about doing it at our age. Do you know they call it a ‘geriatric pregnancy’? Way to stick the boot in.”

Willow shook her head.

“You’re scrappy,” she said reassuringly and reached out to squeeze Buffy’s arm, “Your baby will be too.”

She breathed in and out, still smiling but her nose scrunched.

“Does this mean I’ll have to lunch alone in the office cafeteria in a few months?”

“You could eat with Jesse,” Buffy suggested, looking glum for a moment, “He always looks sad these days.”

Willow frowned too and looked over her shoulder for Jesse, spotting him with Xander, Becky, and Tara getting some food.

“Xander, that chuppah is so beautiful. Thank you so much for making it for us,” Tara gushed, rubbing Xander’s arm gratefully, “How’s the business going?”

“Sales are good. Got in good with some Mom groups before Christmas who wanted personalized Christmas Eve boxes and cleaned up. And I love it,” Xander grinned as he helped himself to a third slice of lasagna, “Working with my hands, working with the wood. No running after perps so I can eat whatever I want.”

He grinned boyishly at Tara who smiled and thanked him again, then excused herself to eat.

The two men found seats too and Jesse nodded at Xander to continue the earlier conversation.

“You don’t have a cool partner to work with anymore though.”

“Well, sometimes Alex helps,” Xander replied affably.

Jesse bumped Xander’s shoulder.

“Just feed my ego, would ya?”

“I sure do miss ya, bud,” Xander replied in an exaggerated manner but there was a warmth there too.

Jesse scoffed.

“At least my new partner doesn’t bring in leftover pizza for lunch.”

“I always offered you a slice,” Xander replied with a grin, then noticed Jesse’s attention wasn’t quite on him any longer, “How’s the co-parenting going?”

Jesse blinked several times and looked back at Xander.

“Good, finally,” he sighed deeply, “Hence actually showing up to the same event together.”

“Good for you, man,” Xander replied, patting Jesse’s back, “Thinking of getting back out there?”

Jesse watched Ella across the yard do a few turns in the air, showing off her ballet moves.

“I think I’m gonna keep my focus on my baby girl right now.”

Xander grinned and stood.

“And I think I’m going to focus on more lasagna.”

As he went off, Jesse nodded to Becky, sitting behind them.

“You like the black-eyed peas?”

Becky shrugged one shoulder.

“I liked Behind The Front but I thought Monkey Business was regressive. I think I stopped paying attention after that.”

Jesse held up his fork with a little beige bean stuck between the tines.

“I meant the salad.”

Becky smiled self-deprecatingly.

“The salad is not regressive. The salad is modern and broadly developed in flavor.”

Jesse grinned in much the same way.

“You’re whipping out those English degree words on me.”

Becky chuckled and chased some bulgur wheat around her plate.

“You know, if we’d been the ones to hook up, we’d be Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse.”

Jesse arched an eyebrow sharply at the thought.

“You terrify me.”

Becky cocked her head, then nodded.

“Fair.”

Xander returned with his plate piled high just as Ella came in from the other side and pulled on Jesse’s arm.

“Daddy, Daddy!”

“Yeah munchkin?” Jesse smiled, picking her up from the spot and throwing her a few inches off the ground like she was a baby again.

Ella giggled and tugged on his hand.

“We’re playing Frozen.”

“Will that thing never die?” Jesse asked Xander, then slicked a hand back through his hair, “You need a Kristoff?”

Ella’s face scrunched.

“…we need a Sven.”

She pulled him off the chair and Xander waved his fork about after him.

“Be the antlers,” he yelled, “BE THE ANTLERS!”

As she was throwing her paper plate in the trash can, Tara spotted Alice standing alone and took the opportunity to say hello.

“I wondered why you’d snuck away from work earlier,” Tara grinned as a greeting but they weren’t alone for long as a man, 6ft tall with broad shoulders and salt-and-pepper hair and older than them all by about ten years, came to stand alongside Alice and handed her a glass of white wine.

Tara cleared her throat awkwardly.

“Oh, hi Dennis.”

“Tara,” Dennis greeted cordially, if lacking a little warmth, “It was a lovely ceremony.”

“Oh, thank you,” Tara replied sincerely and gestured around, “It’s all still a bit surreal. But such a lovely surprise.”

“I was worried the two boys would let the cat out of the bag,” Alice said in a disapproving tone, “I told Michelle not to tell them but she said she needed them to help.”

“Those two cretins you’re always talking about?” Dennis asked derisively, “Why did you hire them again?”

Tara raised a hand awkwardly.

“I did, actually.”

“Tara’s my boss now,” Alice replied with a curt look in Dennis’s direction, “Remember?”

“Right,” Dennis nodded with a completely obvious pointed look back, “Since she went back to school.”

“Yes, she got her masters,” Alice said with a forced smile.

“The one you got at the start of your career,” Dennis muttered and Alice dug her elbow into his side.

Tara tried hard not to let a flush come up over her face.

“Not really a boss,” she waved her hand in front of her.

“Well, yes, really,” Alice replied tersely, then tried to (fake) laugh it off, “You know she chooses to sit out at the desks with us when she could have her own office?”

Tara felt the little wiggles of tension shooting out from everywhere and just shrugged.

“It’s easier to pass around files and whatnot.”

“And that is why you deserve to be boss,” Alice replied in a grudging tone and tossed back the rest of her wine before holding up the empty glass, “Happy Anniversary.”

“Thank you,” Tara replied sincerely but couldn’t help but feel sad.

Thankfully, Willow came up to her and said two words that were sure to cheer her up.

“Family photo.”

“Oh, okay,” Tara replied quickly, “See you guys later.”

She waggled her fingers in a wave and went with Willow to where she’d corralled the kids together to hopefully stay still for a few seconds.

“Okay kids, stand in front! JJ, you’re gonna need to crouch a little. Your hair looks fine! Lily, stop doing bunny ears on your sister. Robyn, no soccer ball! For five seconds, please! Okay, say cheese!”

The flash went off and they got a few more for safety before the kids disbanded again, springing back to their own corners like they were elastic bands being flung off.

Tara looked at the photos on the screen and smiled at how she thought that their little family was so complete.

Emphasis on thought.

Willow peered over Tara’s shoulder to look at the photos too and smiled. Those were ones for the wall. She put her hands on Tara’s shoulders and rubbed gently.

“How are you holding up? Need a seat?”

Tara shook her head dramatically.

“Have to make sure I can keep up with a younger woman.”

“Oh, you can keep up,” Willow murmured into Tara’s ear, “But if you’re not interested in sitting…”

She gently spun Tara around and offered a hand.

“My dance?”

Tara smiled and took the proffered hand. Willow led them out onto the dance floor — the grass — and settled her hands on Tara’s waist. Tara put her arms behind Willow’s neck and smiled as Willow kept a steady gaze on her.

“What?”

Willow blinked slowly.

“I can’t take my eyes off you.”

Tara smiled and pecked Willow’s lips.

They swayed on the spot.

“Our limo will be here soon,” Willow said with an intriguing grin.

Tara’s brows rose into her hairline.

“Limo?”

Willow smirked.

“You think I was going to bring you to the airport in a Prius?”

“Airport?!” Tara asked, her mouth hanging open.

Willow nodded quickly.

“Yeah, we’re actually going on our honeymoon the night of our wedding this time. Call me old-fashioned.”

Tara’s eyes bounced with excitement.

“Where are we going?”

Willow gave nothing away.

“You’ll see.”

“Are we going to California to check on the bookstore?” Tara guessed.

Willow looked insulted.

“You think I’d take you on a business trip for our honeymoon?”

Tara frowned.

“Are the kids coming?”

“Well, since Spring Break doesn’t start until Friday, I thought we’d have a few days to ourselves and they could follow,” Willow said, then added on quickly and pointedly, “I say ‘thought’ but it’s happening so there’s no point arguing.”

Tara was feeling perpetually surprised.

“What about Woofy?”

“Jesse offered to take care of him,” Willow replied with a smile, “Think he’s looking forward to the company.”

Tara smiled sympathetically but then it grew a little exasperated.

“Are you really not going to tell me?”

Willow chuckled.

“Put it this way,” she said and spun Tara, holding her waist from behind for a moment, “Jamaican me crazy with all these questions.”

Tara’s eyes widened as she was spun back to her previous position and her hands settled behind Willow’s neck.

“You’re really splashing that bookstore money.”

Willow shrugged.

“And why not? We’re finally making decent profits. Who knew adding booze was the way to get people to visit a book store in the 21st century?”

Tara pecked Willow again.

“You did, my smarty-pants wife.”

“It's an ethanoly, epeolatry experience,” Willow rattled off her tagline with a grin and a laugh, “But seriously though, yeah Bibliosmia is doing well…but I did all of this because _you deserve it_. And _we_ deserve it. Everything we’ve gone through, all of the hardships and the trauma and moments where I know we both felt on the brink and still…”

She stopped and inhaled a long breath. Her eyes were glassy on fixed on Tara.

“Still I can’t take my eyes off you.”

Tara’s answering smile lit up her face, with a little help from the fairy lights Willow had strung from the roof.

“Baby…”

Willow beamed.

She loved it when Tara called her ‘baby’.

They embraced and put their heads on each other's shoulders.

They stayed there and swayed to the music, lost to the rest of the party, feeling like they were walking on air.

** The End **


End file.
